Whoever it was that invented single ply toilet paper...
I’d like to shake his hand.
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Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved barrel racing all our lives, and we rode until we could hardly walk. Please do me one favor... When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s barrel racing there.”
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Barb, Barb.”
“Who is it?” asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Barb, it’s me, Rose.”
“You’re not Rose. Rose just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,” insisted the voice.
“Rose! Where are you?”
“In Heaven,” replied Rose. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” said Barb.
“The good news,” Rose said, “is that there’s barrel racing in Heaven. Better yet, all of our horses who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always summer, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can ride all we want, and our horses never get tired.”
“That’s fantastic,” said Barb. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re up here in the slack on Friday.”
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What do you call people who were born on Friday the 13th?
By their names.
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A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store for Thanksgiving Day, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, “Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
Stock boy: “No, ma’am. They’re dead.”
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Did you know Uranus is so big, it can’t even fit into lightweight jeans?
It needs quasar sizes!
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Why do cab drivers make good content marketers?
They can really drive in traffic.
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The house cleaner told me that she was going to start working from home, so she sent me a list of chores.
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I wasn’t staring at you...
I was trying to figure out if that’s your forehead or the moon.
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Never fight a math teacher. You’ll always be outnumbered.
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My grandfather recently passed, and I discovered in his journal that he has an immense hatred for sloths, pandas, and koala bears.
Looking back, it was obvious. He was always going on about those darn tree-huggers.
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What is Tiger Woods’ spirit animal?
I don’t know, but his wife said he was a cheetah.
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What do dentists hand out at Halloween?
Candy. It’s good for business.
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My dentist mocked me today, saying that even though he’s much older than me, he has healthier teeth.
I said it must be because he has a better dentist.
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Two eggs went for a comedy gig, guess what one egg said to the another?
Let’s get cracking.
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A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.
One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.
Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find the manager.
“What’s with that group of players? They’re the worst I’ve ever seen! They’re holding up the course!”
The manager looks sheepish, “They’re retired firefighters, they lost their eyesight running into a burning orphanage to save the children. They love golf, so I let them play for free for charity.”
The priest looks ashamed of himself, “As a man of God, I feel terrible for getting angry at those men. At my next sermon, I’ll see if I can get a collection going for their families.”
The lawyer likewise looks chagrined, “Same here, I’ll check with my firm and see if we can’t open a case to get them awarded restitution for their pain and injuries.”
The engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?”
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How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
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I was staying at a hotel.
Some people took the stairs to their rooms, and some took the elevator.
Right then I realized everyone was raised differently.
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WFH diary, day 1:
Power went out during recording, construction workers are extra loud today, daughter walked in on a meeting singing “I like banaaaaanas” at the top of her lungs.
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Star Trek characters make the worst sports fans.
They always root for the away team.
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How many Puerto Ricans does it take to change a lightbulb.
Just Juan.
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