They tell me to not tell anyone about my dreams.
So I guess I can’t tell anyone about you then.
😄 😄 😄
I suspect the moon wasn’t hungry last night.
It looked full.
😄 😄 😄
Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify them as clergy.
As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some really outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and so on.
The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their “tourist” garb and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine, and the scenery when a gorgeous blond in a bikini came walking straight towards them.
They couldn’t help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and said, “Good morning, Father. Good morning, Father,” nodding and addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.
They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as priests?
The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous outfits, and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the sunshine.
After a while, the same gorgeous blond in an even more outrageous bikini, came walking toward them again (they were glad they had sunglasses because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads).
Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: “Good morning, Father. Good morning Father,” and started to walk away.
One of the priests couldn’t stand it and said, “Just a minute, young lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in the world did YOU know?”
“Oh, Father, don’t you recognize me? I’m Sister Angela!”
😄 😄 😄
Nobody wants to be alone.
A recently divorced friend of mine is hopeful of once again finding romance. Beer belly, completely bald...
I don’t like her chances.
😄 😄 😄
Where do sailors go when they feel sick?
The dock-tor.
😄 😄 😄
Pepito asks his teacher, “Teacher, would you punish me for something I didn’t do?”
The teacher tells him, “No, Pepito, of course not.”
Pepito responds, “That’s good because I didn’t do my homework.”
😄 😄 😄
What does an English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?
“To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question.”
😄 😄 😄
Easter this year is April Fools’ Day.
Just remember that so you don’t fall for any crazy stories like people coming back from the dead.
😄 😄 😄
What is a NASA office worker’s favorite part of the workday?
Launchtime.
😄 😄 😄
My favorite planet is Uranus because it’s just so well-rounded.
😄 😄 😄
Two Hippies are walking along a railroad track, stoned.
One Hippie says, “This is a really long staircase, man!”
The other Hippie says, “I don’t mind the stairs, man. It’s this low handrail thats killing me.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an older woman who was born around late November and early December?
Saggytarius.
😄 😄 😄
Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
😄 😄 😄
Why does Spider-Man get so frustrated with the World Wide Web?
Because Google thinks his name is Spiderman, not Spider-Man!
😄 😄 😄
Yesterday I saw two teenagers making out in the park.
It reminded me of my teenage days.
When I used to see other teenagers make out in the park.
😄 😄 😄
“Doctor,” a man told his psychiatrist, “my wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.”
“That’s nonsense,” said the psychiatrist. “I like sausages myself.”
“You do!” the man shrieked. “You should come and see my collection, I’ve got thousands!”
😄 😄 😄
A teenage boy asks a girl out to prom and she says yes.
So he goes to the tuxedo shop, and there’s a huge line of people there, so he waits for 30 minutes, then an hour, and he finally gets his tuxedo.
Then, he needs to rent a limo, to look nice and formal and everything, so he walks into the limo rental shop, and again, there’s a huge line, so he waits for 30 minutes and then an hour goes by, then 2, and he finally gets his limo.
On the night of the prom, he pulls up to her house with the limo, and she gets in, and on their way to the prom building, a huge traffic jam happens! So they wait, and then 30 minutes go by, then an hour, and they finally arrive at the building!
So they walk in, take some pictures, and dance for a bit, and after a while, the girl asks, “Hey can you get us some punch?”
So the boy walks over to the punch bowl and guess what?
There’s no punch-line.
😄 😄 😄
At the marketplace, a seller advertises “1 lettuce for $3, 3 lettuces for $10”.
A customer passing by stops and speaks with the seller.
Customer: “That’s not right!”
Seller: “What do you mean?”
Customer: “Well, that’s not an offer—3 lettuces cost $9.”
Seller: “No, sir, it says here that 3 lettuces cost $10.”
Customer: “I know, but if I buy 1 lettuce, how much do I pay?”
Seller: “$3.”
Customer: “And if I buy 2?”
Seller: “$6.”
Customer: “Yes, because 3+3=6, now what about 3+3+3?”
Seller: “That makes 9.”
Customer: “So, 3 lettuces cost $9.”
Seller: “No sir, they cost $10, it’s written just over there, on that board.”
The client can’t fathom such a stubbornness in another human being and proceeds to prove his point to the seller.
Customer: “Here, let me buy a lettuce.”
Seller: “That will be $3, sir.”
Customer: “Now, I’d like one more lettuce.”
Seller: “That will be $3 again, sir.”
Customer: “Finally, let me buy one last lettuce.”
Seller: “That will also be $3, sir.”
Customer: “How much did I pay you those 3 lettuces?”
Seller: “$3+$3+$3, your paid $9.”
Customer: “See? 3 lettuces are worth $9, not $10, you won’t sell many lettuces if you do it this way.”
Seller: “Yes sir, I almost sold all my stock to people like you wanting to prove they’re smarter than me by buying 3 lettuces they don’t need, just to make sure they are superior. My technique works! Besides, I can overprice those lettuces to $3 and no one bats an eye!”
😄 😄 😄
Why is a German stone intelligent?
Because it’s not just a stone, it’s ein Stein.
😄 😄 😄
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two.
😄 😄 😄
