How many boomers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They’ll all resist change even if it means making the world a brighter place.
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My girlfriend accused me of cheating.
I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.
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Why do British ice cream cones carry an umbrella?
There’s always a chance of sprinkles.
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9 a.m.
Time to change my night pajamas into day pajamas.
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A high class looking woman sat down next to me on the train.
I took in a breath and asked aloud, “What’s that smell?”
She turned to me, looked down her nose and said, “Chanel, 500 dollars an ounce.” She turned away.
About 10 minutes later, I let out a silent fart.
She turns to me and asks, “What’s that smell?”
I say, “Broccoli, $1.49 a pound.”
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Chuck Norris counted every irrational number. Once!
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A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist take a vacation to the ocean.
The physicist was fascinated by the waves, so he walked into the ocean to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves. Obviously, he was drowned and never returned.
The biologist wanted to research the amazing flora and fauna of the ocean, so he walked into the water as well. He, too, never returned.
The chemist thought for a while, then noted in his lab notebook:
The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water.
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Why are orange jokes so dumb?
Because oranges are afraid to concentrate.
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What’s a cow’s favorite TV drama?
Graze Anatomy.
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What do you call a Puerto Rican dish that’s not spicy?
A mistake.
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Why couldn’t the moon eat anymore?
It was a full moon.
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Why did the astronaut bring a joke book to Uranus?
To break the space ice.
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Chuck Norris does not have near-death experiences.
Death has near Chuck Norris experiences.
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A wife was going to the UK.
Wife: “Should I bring you something from there?”
Husband: “Yeah. I’d like an English girl.”
The wife leaves for the UK.
After she returns.
Husband: “Did you bring me what I asked for?”
Wife: “Yes. You’ll get your English girl in 9 months.”
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It’s so hot that all the bread in the store is toast.
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What do you call a Volleyball player who hurt her knee diving for the ball?
Courtney.
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If I remember correctly, the last time that I was someone’s type was when I was donating blood in the blood drive.
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What do you call two depressed bears?
Bipolar.
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I was in a taxi the other day and the driver said, “Do you mind if I put some music on?”
I said, “Not at all.”
He said, “‘Kiss?’”
I said, “Let’s listen to the music first and see how we feel”
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Yo mama so ugly when she watches TV the channels change themselves.
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