I don’t trust people who don’t like mushrooms.
Clearly, they are of low morel fiber.
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What’s the difference between a fire wizard and someone who flirts with pastries?
One is a Pyromancer, the other is a pie-romancer.
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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.
“Can you read this?” the optician asked.
“What do you mean if I can read this?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the dude.”
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Feeling blue? A blueberry muffin can be your rescue!
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It is generally believed that talking with your mouth full is rude.
Personally, I find talking with your head empty much worse.
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A man calls 911.
The operator says, “911 what’s your emergency?”
The man says, “My wife is going into labour and I don’t know what to do!”
The operator calmly replies, “Okay. Calm down. Is this her first child?”
The man answers, “No, this is her husband!”
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An association football player and hockey player walk into a bar and sit next to each other.
The two only order one beer each, and at one point an argument occurred. The two, deciding not to disturb the rest of the visitors, took it outside and prepared for a fight.
Before any punches could be thrown, the football player fell to the ground and called for medical help.
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A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.
The French exchange student raised his hand and said, “Excuse me, Madam, but I don’t know how to say fractions. How do you say those?”
“Easy,” said the teacher, “you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is two-thirds, 3/4 is three-fourths, and 2/5 is two-fifths.”
“Thanks, I understand,” said the exchange student.
“Good,” said the teacher, and then asked the French student, “so how do you say 4/8?”
“Should I reduce?” asked the boy.
“That would be best,” said the teacher.
“One-second,” said the boy.
“Take as long as you need,” said the teacher.
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What did the apple teacher say to her student?
“Help me orange the chairs please!”
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It’s hotter than six fat guys in a minivan with no air conditioning fighting over a fried bucket of chicken drumsticks.
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I think my grocery store is trying to turn me into a narcissist...
Every time I go there they make me check myself out.
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Why did the moon burp?
Because it was full!
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My grandpa told me, “You Millennials are too dependent on technology.”
So I plugged out his life support.
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A major produce organization is reeling after multiple reports of tainted lettuce.
We may soon witness the falling of the Romaine Empire.
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Your mama so short she thought the cracks in the sidewalk were part of a maze.
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What do you call a group of union workers on Labor Day?
A day of rest-olution.
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I don’t need a telescope to see Uranus.
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This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it.
I wish I could have read the signs.
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In their small village, a couple was famous for the husband being 102 years old and his wife being 98 years old, and both in terrific condition, working their farm every day and having the bodies of much younger people.
One day, a visitor to the village, curious about the couple, approached the old man at his farm. The old man was cutting wood without a shirt on, sweat glistening on a body that seemed to belong to a man half his age.
The visitor introduced himself and asked the old man, “I hear you are 102!”
“That’s correct,” said the old man with a smile.
“Wow, I must say, you look in amazing shape!”
“Thank you,” said the old man humbly.
“Do you mind if I ask...”
“How am I this healthy at my age?” finished the old man. “Help me carry this wood back home, and I’ll tell you.”
The visitor agrees and they make their way inside.
“You see,” said the old man, “I’ve been married for 75 years. Now, when we got married, I made a little arrangement with the wife. Every time we have an argument, the loser of said argument must run for 5 kilometers. Seeing as we have a pretty typical marriage, I’ve been running 5 kilometers almost every day for 75 years! That’s why I’m in the great shape I am.”
“But if that’s the case,” said the puzzled visitor, “how come your wife is in such great shape too?”
“Well,” smiled the old man, “she usually runs after me to make sure I finish the whole five.”
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Whoever it was that invented single ply toilet paper...
I’d like to shake his hand.
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