I bet it’s cool, you can change the TV channels with your mind.
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A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza:
Customer: “Yoooo, I ordered a pizza, and it came with no toppings on it or anything, it’s just bread!”
Domino’s: “We’re sorry to hear about this.”
Customer (minutes later): “Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down...”
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What do minions call their grandmothers?
Ba-nanas.
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His blue humor was laughably depressing.
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What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses?
Tulips.
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Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn.
He dares it to grow.
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On his 16th birthday, I thought my son deserved to know the truth about his being adopted.
So when he got home from school, I said to him, “Steve, do you mind sitting down, I’ve got something to tell you.”
“Dad, guess what?!” he shouted excitedly.
“Steve, this is important.” I urged.
“No way, Dad. Listen!”
“Steve. Please. Don’t make this hard for me. It’s about your mum and me.”
“Dad! Shut up! I’ve just won £250,000 on a scratch card!”
“That’s amazing son! Your old Dad’s really made up for you!”
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Did you hear about the baseball player who can spot a fast-food restaurant from miles away?
He leads the league in Arby eyes.
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I went on a blind date where her online profile said she had an infectious smile.
Turns out they were cold sores.
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A suicide bomber instructor says to his trainees, “Alright men, I’m only going to show you this once”.
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Guess what the doctor just told me?
I need some sunshine so that’s why I got you to brighten my day.
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Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn’t use proper pun-ctuation.
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Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Zoom.”
“Zoom, who?”
“Zoom did you expect.”
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Now the UK is out of the EU we can ban pre-shredded cheese.
Make Britain grate again.
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Two blondes decided to split a can of Diet Coke. One blonde opened the can and poured half the contents into her own glass, and half into her friend’s glass.
Before tossing the can, she stopped to read the nutritional information on the side.
“Only one calorie per can,” she read aloud.
“Hmm,” murmured the other blonde. “I wonder which glass has the calorie?”
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What do you call a nuke that was launched on the 4th of July?
The wrong firework.
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You’re so short you could use a pillow as your bed and still have some wiggle room.
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Why wasn’t the geometry teacher at school?
Because she sprained her angle!
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These three blondes were going to purchase a Christmas tree, but they then decided to go into the forest to chop down a real one.
The first blonde said, “I don’t care how long it takes us, I want a perfect tree.”
The other two blondes agreed saying, “We won’t leave until we find the right one.”
Three days later they were still searching.
The first blonde looked at her two tired and hungry friends and said, “I promise the next tree we come across we’ll chop it down and take it home and I won’t care if it’s decorated for Christmas or not.”
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Good morning, sweetie!
When I get up, my initial idea is of just how you feel, after that, I obtain you a cup of coffee, placed it down, as well as back away, gradually...
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