Writing Jokes



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Writing Jokes


The wife tried to scare her husband by leaving him a breakup letter after he returned home late.

She left a note, saying:

I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, her husband comes home, and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

β€œShe’s finally gone... Yeah, I know... I’m coming to see you... Put on that nightgown I like... Love you... Can’t wait to see you...”

He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.

Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes, she grabbed the note to see what he wrote.

β€œI can see your feet. We’re out of bread. Be back in five minutes.”

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I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love.

It never got published.

It was all in vein.

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The patient went to his doctor because he hadΒ flu, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing.

The patient put it in his pocket, but forgot to get the tablets from the pharmacy.

Every morning, for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the soccer stadium, and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from his boss. One day he mislaid it.

His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the conservatory of music.

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Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign which reads, β€œYou’re headed down a dark and dangerous path, turn back before it’s too late!”

The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later, a loud crash is heard.

One of the nuns thoughtfully says, β€œSister, shall we just write β€˜Attention, the bridge is demolished’?”

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Two kids were discussing their back to school sets.

Kid 1: β€œI have a pen that can write underwater.”

Kid 2: β€œWow really?!”

Kid 1: β€œYep. It can write other words, too.”

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What do you call a zombie that writes the music?

Decomposer.

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My therapist told me to write letters to people I hated and then burn them.

I’ve done that, but now what do I do with the letters?

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I’m writing a book about reverse psychology.

Please don’t buy it.

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It’s nearing the end of the semester at a prestigious university of philosophy.

The 100+ students wait eagerly for the professor to enter the auditorium and begin their final exam. They all have their notebooks out, as the final is open book.

The professor enters and, without saying a word, puts his chair on top of his podium.

He announces to the class, β€œUsing everything that you know about philosophy, I want you to write an essay proving to me that this chair does not exist”.

The students begin furiously writing, all except one guy sitting in the far back. He writes something down, turns it in, and is gone in less than a minute.

A week passes and the students gather outside to view their grades, looking upon the posting in utter horror. Every one of them had failed the course... all except the one guy.

The students then gathered around him and ask him anxiously how he proved that the chair did not exist.

His reply:

β€œWhat chair?”

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Why shouldn’t you write with a broken pencil?

Because it’s pointless.

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How do bulls write?

With a bullpen.

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What does the Elf on the Shelf use to write with on the blackboard?

Chalk-olate.

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My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life.

However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.

I guess you can say it’s an auto-biography.

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Pepito is writing a composition and asks his father, β€œDad, how do you spell mobile phone?”

Father: β€œHow it sounds.”

Pepito: β€œAnd if it is in vibrate mode?”

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Teacher: β€œWhich is the best hand to use when writing something, the left hand or the right hand?”

Pupil: β€œNone of them. It’s better to use a pen or pencil.”

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My English teacher said I had to write 1000 words on the new Margaret Atwood novel.

I managed about 50 before the librarian snatched it back off me.

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Student: β€œI’ve been writing my exam for 2 hours but haven’t answered a single question!!!”

Politics Teacher: β€œWell done, that’s an A.”

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Why shouldn’t you write a book on penguins?

Because writing on paper is much easier.

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When asked to write an essay on what he was thankful for on Thanksgiving, little Johnny wrote:

I am thankful I am not a turkey.

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I’ve just finished writing a book on snakes.

It would have been much easier if I’d just written in on paper...

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The teacher told all students to write an essay on a cricket match.

All were busy writing, except Santa.

He wrote:Β Due To Rain, No Match.

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Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons.

Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphs.

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What does the pun writer use to write his puns?

A pun-cil.

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What did the watermelon write on his Valentine’s card?

β€œYou’re one in a melon!”

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How many songs do you need to write if you really want to make some money with them?

Four tunes.

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A statistics major was completely hung over the day of his final exam. It was a true/false test, so he decided to flip a coin for the answers.

The statistics professor watched the student the entire two hours as he was flipping the coin… writing the answer… flipping the coin… writing the answer.

At the end of the two hours, everyone else had left the final, except for the one student.

The professor walks up to his desk and interrupts the student, saying, β€œListen, I have seen that you did not study for this statistics test, you didn’t even open the exam. If you are just flipping a coin for your answer, what is taking you so long?”

The student replies bitterly (as he is still flipping the coin), β€œShhh! I am checking my answers!”

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I didn’t really know where to start so I thought I’d trawl the internet.

After a couple of hours I’d found some really, really good stuff.

But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech.

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Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died.

The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift and arranged to have him written out of the bible.

All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

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The judge rose from the bench and said, β€œMadam, I’ve waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court.”

Then he smiled as he said, β€œNow, sit down at that table and write 500 times β€˜I will not pass through a red light.’”

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