Writing Jokes



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Writing Jokes


Husband: โ€œI got a package with bullets and Arabic note today.โ€

Wife: โ€œIdiot! These are suppositories and the note from the doctor!โ€

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A preschooler is asked to write the first sentence every member of his family said.

When he got home, he saw his mom on the phone. He asked her to say a sentence, but she yelled, โ€œShut up, Iโ€™m on the phone!โ€ So, he wrote that down.

He then came into the living room and saw his dad watching a soccer game. The team he was rooting for had just scored the winning goal, so he shouted, โ€œYes, yes, yes!โ€ The kid wrote that down.

He came upstairs and was going to enter his sisterโ€™s room, but he heard her planning a sleepover. He heard her say, โ€œIโ€™m going to stay the night and leave in the morning.โ€ The kid wrote that down.

Next, he watched his brother play with an action figure, and when he picked up Batman, he said, โ€œDun nu nu nu nu Batman!โ€ That was also written down.

Finally, he saw his little brother reading a book out loud. The first sentence he heard was, โ€œThe kingโ€™s throne.โ€

The next day, the teacher said, โ€œPlease tell me the first sentence that you wrote down.โ€

The kid shouted, โ€œShut up, Iโ€™m on the phone!โ€

The teacher was shocked.

She replied angrily, โ€œDo you want to see the principal?!โ€

The kid didnโ€™t hear her, so he said, โ€œYes, yes, yes!โ€

When the kid got sent to the principalโ€™s office, he still had the paper in his hand.

The principal saw it and asked what was written down on it.

The kid answered, โ€œShut up, Iโ€™m on the phone!โ€

The principal said, โ€œExcuse me? Who do you think you are?โ€

The kid continued reading, โ€œDun nu nu nu nu Batman!โ€

The principal was very angry and asked with anger, โ€œHow long do you want to be here, punk?โ€

The kid still continued to read, โ€œIโ€™m going to stay the night and leave in the morning.โ€

Now the principal was fuming, โ€œIs there anywhere special you want to go?!โ€

The kid replied, โ€œThe kingโ€™s throne.โ€

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In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test and said, โ€œJohnny, I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.โ€

Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.

โ€œWell,โ€ said Mr. Johnson, โ€œI was looking over your test and the question was, โ€˜Who was our first president?โ€™, and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put โ€˜George Washingtonโ€™, and so did you.โ€

โ€œSo, everyone knows that he was the first president,โ€ said Little Johnny with his eyes wide open.

โ€œJust wait a minute,โ€ said Mr. Johnson. โ€œThe next question was, โ€˜Who freed the slaves?โ€™. Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you.โ€

โ€œWell, I read the history book last night and I remembered that,โ€ said Johnny.

โ€œWait, wait,โ€ said Mr. Johnson. โ€œThe next question was, โ€˜Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?โ€™. Mary put โ€˜I donโ€™t knowโ€™, and you put, โ€˜Me neitherโ€™.โ€

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The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad.

It was tearable.

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In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it.

A student handed in his work with โ€œThe Magna Carta was signed in 1215โ€ written 150 times.

The teacher asked the boy, โ€œWhy did you write this?โ€

The boy replied, โ€œBecause you always say that history repeats itself!โ€

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There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great poet.

When asked to define โ€œgreatโ€, he said, โ€œI want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, no, howl in pain and anger!โ€

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

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A poet writes in verse.

A backwards poet writes inverse.

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The wife tried to scare her husband by leaving him a breakup letter after he returned home late.

She left a note, saying:

Iโ€™ve had enough and have left you. Donโ€™t bother coming after me.

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, her husband comes home, and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

โ€œSheโ€™s finally gone... Yeah, I know... Iโ€™m coming to see you... Put on that nightgown I like... Love you... Canโ€™t wait to see you...โ€

He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.

Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes, she grabbed the note to see what he wrote.

โ€œI can see your feet. Weโ€™re out of bread. Be back in five minutes.โ€

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I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love.

It never got published.

It was all in vein.

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The patient went to his doctor because he hadย flu, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing.

The patient put it in his pocket, but forgot to get the tablets from the pharmacy.

Every morning, for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the soccer stadium, and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from his boss. One day he mislaid it.

His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the conservatory of music.

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Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign which reads, โ€œYouโ€™re headed down a dark and dangerous path, turn back before itโ€™s too late!โ€

The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later, a loud crash is heard.

One of the nuns thoughtfully says, โ€œSister, shall we just write โ€˜Attention, the bridge is demolishedโ€™?โ€

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Two kids were discussing their back to school sets.

Kid 1: โ€œI have a pen that can write underwater.โ€

Kid 2: โ€œWow really?!โ€

Kid 1: โ€œYep. It can write other words, too.โ€

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What do you call a zombie that writes the music?

Decomposer.

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My therapist told me to write letters to people I hated and then burn them.

Iโ€™ve done that, but now what do I do with the letters?

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Iโ€™m writing a book about reverse psychology.

Please donโ€™t buy it.

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Itโ€™s nearing the end of the semester at a prestigious university of philosophy.

The 100+ students wait eagerly for the professor to enter the auditorium and begin their final exam. They all have their notebooks out, as the final is open book.

The professor enters and, without saying a word, puts his chair on top of his podium.

He announces to the class, โ€œUsing everything that you know about philosophy, I want you to write an essay proving to me that this chair does not existโ€.

The students begin furiously writing, all except one guy sitting in the far back. He writes something down, turns it in, and is gone in less than a minute.

A week passes and the students gather outside to view their grades, looking upon the posting in utter horror. Every one of them had failed the course... all except the one guy.

The students then gathered around him and asked him anxiously how he proved that the chair did not exist.

His reply:

โ€œWhat chair?โ€

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Why shouldnโ€™t you write with a broken pencil?

Because itโ€™s pointless.

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How do bulls write?

With a bullpen.

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What does the Elf on the Shelf use to write with on the blackboard?

Chalk-olate.

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My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life.

However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.

I guess you can say itโ€™s an auto-biography.

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Pepito is writing a composition and asks his father, โ€œDad, how do you spell mobile phone?โ€

Father: โ€œHow it sounds.โ€

Pepito: โ€œAnd if it is in vibrate mode?โ€

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Teacher: โ€œWhich is the best hand to use when writing something, the left hand or the right hand?โ€

Pupil: โ€œNone of them. Itโ€™s better to use a pen or pencil.โ€

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My English teacher said I had to write 1000 words on the new Margaret Atwood novel.

I managed about 50 before the librarian snatched it back off me.

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Student: โ€œIโ€™ve been writing my exam for 2 hours but havenโ€™t answered a single question!!!โ€

Politics Teacher: โ€œWell done, thatโ€™s an A.โ€

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Why shouldnโ€™t you write a book on penguins?

Because writing on paper is much easier.

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When asked to write an essay on what he was thankful for on Thanksgiving, Little Johnny wrote:

I am thankful I am not a turkey.

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Iโ€™ve just finished writing a book on snakes.

It would have been much easier if Iโ€™d just written in on paper...

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The teacher told all students to write an essay on a cricket match.

All were busy writing, except Santa.

He wrote:ย Due To Rain, No Match.

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Eventually, the entire written English language will be taken over by emoticons.

Teenage girls will bring us back to Egyptian hieroglyphs.

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What does the pun writer use to write his puns?

A pun-cil.

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What did the watermelon write on his Valentineโ€™s card?

โ€œYouโ€™re one in a melon!โ€

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How many songs do you need to write if you really want to make some money with them?

Four tunes.

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A statistics major was completely hung over the day of his final exam. It was a true/false test, so he decided to flip a coin for the answers.

The statistics professor watched the student the entire two hours as he was flipping the coinโ€ฆ writing the answerโ€ฆ flipping the coinโ€ฆ writing the answer.

At the end of the two hours, everyone else had left the final, except for the one student.

The professor walks up to his desk and interrupts the student, saying, โ€œListen, I have seen that you did not study for this statistics test, you didnโ€™t even open the exam. If you are just flipping a coin for your answer, what is taking you so long?โ€

The student replies bitterly (as he is still flipping the coin), โ€œShhh! I am checking my answers!โ€

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I didnโ€™t really know where to start so I thought Iโ€™d trawl the internet.

After a couple of hours Iโ€™d found some really, really good stuff.

But then I remembered that I was supposed to be writing a speech.

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Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died.

The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuckโ€™s gift and arranged to have him written out of the bible.

All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

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The judge rose from the bench and said, โ€œMadam, Iโ€™ve waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court.โ€

Then he smiled as he said, โ€œNow, sit down at that table and write 500 times โ€˜I will not pass through a red light.โ€™โ€

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