Enjoy our team's carefully selected Work Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Why do retirees smile all the time?
Because they canβt hear a word youβre saying!
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What do you call someone whoβs happy on Mondays?
Retired!
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A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill with a touch of laryngitis but being a dedicated employee he went to work.
The boss felt sorry for him and didnβt want him to do any physical labor although they were repairing a part of the freeway.
He said to the worker, βWhy donβt you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through the construction?β
The worker is glad for the easy day and does as instructed. He stops the first vehicle that comes along.
βSir,β he whispers, his throat feeling worse, βPlease slow down, thereβs a road crew up ahead.β
βOkay,β the driver whispers back, βIβll try not to wake them.β
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A boss was waiting in his office one day when he noticed that all of his workers were missing.
He waits a few more minutes before the first worker comes in.
βWhy were you late?β asked the boss.
Sounding exhausted, the worker says, βSorry boss, but my car broke down on the way to work so I tried the bus, but the bus broke down so I hailed a cab, but the cab broke down, but fortunately I was near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and I had to jog the rest of the way.β
The boss thinks nothing of it and sends the worker off.
The next 2 workers come in to check in and the boss asks them the same question, βWhy were you late?β
The workers give the boss the exact same reason, βSorry boss, but my car broke down on the way to work so I tried the bus, but the bus broke down so I hailed a cab, but the cab broke down, but fortunately I was near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and I had to jog the rest of the way.β
The boss thinks that he must be losing his mind, but sends the workers off anyways.
Finally, the last worker comes in and the boss says, βLet me guess, your car broke down on the way to work so you tried the bus, but the bus broke down so you hailed a cab, but the cab broke down, but fortunately, you were near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and you had to jog the rest of the way?β
The worker said, βNo boss, you got it all wrong, you see, there were so many broken down cars, buses, cabs, dead horses and crazed joggers in the streets, it was impossible to get through.β
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Winters are fierce in Minnesota, so the owner of a construction project felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman.
Noticing, however, that the foreman wasnβt wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the project manager asked, βDidnβt you like the muffs?β
The Foreman said, βTheyβre a thing of beauty.β
βWhy donβt you wear them?β The Project Manager said.
The Foreman explained, βI was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didnβt hear him! Never again, never again!β
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Whenever Autumn comes around, I like to walk around and collect the colorful leaves.
It sounds better than saying Iβm a street sweeper.
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We got our Seasonal bulk in at work today and got Pumpkin Spice Motor Oil.
Itβs for Autumnmobiles.
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My Sister works at a pharmacy.
As a pharmasister.
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Pharmacists find their work to be very encapsulating.
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Why did Spider-Man quit his day job?
He was tired of being a web developer.
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A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW.
The driverβa young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses, and a tightly knotted power tieβpoked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, βHey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?β
The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, βSure.β
The driver parked his car, plugged his phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area.
While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mails via his phone and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses.
Finally, he printed a 150-page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced, βYou have exactly 1,586 sheep.β
βImpressive. One of my sheep is yours,β said the shepherd.
He watched the young man make his pick and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd said, βIf I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?β
Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied, βYouβre on.β
βYou are an auditor,β said the shepherd without hesitation.
βThatβs correct,β said the young man, impressed. βHowever did you guess?β
βIt wasnβt a guess,β replied the shepherd. βYou show up completely uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I havenβt asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now, please give me my DOG back!β
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What do you do if you get rejected for a job at the sunscreen company?
Reapply.
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I work at a barber shop and I recently started giving free eyebrow trims to anyone that got a haircut.
Everyone looks surprised.
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Haircuts are great because I did none of the work, but get all the credit.
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A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut youβve ever seen.
βGive me two shots of Jack Daniels,β he says to the bartender. βOne for me, and one for you.β
βYou know, I donβt drink on the job,β the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.
Downing the drink, the man replies, βAnd thatβs why I like you better than my barber!β
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A blonde works in a petrol station filling up cars.
One day, a spaceship with βUFOβ written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flies off.
The blondeβs boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.
βDo you know what βUFOβ stands for?β He asks.
βOf course.β She replies, βUnleaded Fuel Only.β
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Sad news from the Nestle factory today as a man was crushed to death by hundreds of boxes of chocolate.
He tried in vain to attract attention but every time he yelled βThe Milky Bars are on me!β, people just cheered.
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How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&Mβs are protesting?
They start painting the m letters upside-down.
How do you know that workers in factory that produces M&Mβs are protesting really hard?
They paint the m letters on the wrong side of the chocolate candy.
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After 10 years of impeccable policing, Roderick was still only a captain. So Rod went to the prefect and asked for a promotion.
Only the prefect couldnβt stand Rod, so he told him, βYou will be promoted when you complete an assignment of the highest importance. You must travel to India and bring back... erm... a pair of crocodile shoes!β
Roderick salutes and leaves.
Two years later, a search and rescue team is sent to India, to recover his remains.
After weeks of hacking through the jungle, they finally find him.
With a huge, thick beard and wearing rags, Rod sits on the riverbank holding a huge cudgel in his hands. Behind him is a gigantic pile of dead crocodiles.
A crocodile swims by; Rod whacks it on the head with the cudgel, drags it out of the water, examines its feet, and throws him on the pile with a curse, βDamn, another one without shoes!!β
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Guess what I found in the creepy old professorsβ closet?
Narnia business
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My mom is coming home after a work trip tonight, guess what I am getting?
I am getting yelled at.
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How do you remove the inherent bureaucracy thatβs plaguing the donut industry?
Cut out the middle, man.
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How was the donutsβ hole business?
Not at all jam-packed.
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Why did the baker stop making donuts?
He got tired of the HOLE business.
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A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C.
After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be.
The barber said, βNo charge. I consider it a service to the Lord.β
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was.
The barber said, βNo charge. I consider it a service to the community.β
The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was.
The barber said, βNo charge. I consider it a service to the country.β
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.
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I was on a Zoom meeting just now and my husband needed to go behind me, so he thoughtfully crawled to stay out of the camera, which means instead of seeing him walk by in his pajamas, my coworkers saw him crawl by in his pajamas.
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Client on group chat: βThis is jeans week so feel free to wear jeans tomorrow.β
Me: βDang, does that mean I have to wear pants?β
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My commute to work today was just awful!
Floor between bedroom and office was really cold.
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WFH day 3:
Was in a 15-person online meeting, thought I was muted, farted really loudly... Shit!
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WFH diary, day 1:
Power went out during recording, construction workers are extra loud today, daughter walked in on a meeting singing βI like banaaaaanasβ at the top of her lungs.
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Working from home is weird. I got so sick of sitting at my desk, I wrote my last blog from my kidsβ trampoline.
The time-on-page was pretty good, but the bounce rate was really high.
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An ergonomic workspace is really important while working from home.
Thatβs why my couch now has a Pilates ball as a footrest.
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The hardest part about working from home is the distractions, my girlfriend never stops talking to me while Iβm on my PlayStation.
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During a business meeting yesterday, a very nice guy asked me about my background.
So I told him about my family, education, career, dreams and goals.
Turns out he was asking whatβs behind me on our Zoom call.
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I like working from home.
Itβs much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.
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Eventually we got the video to work, but now Iβm fired.
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I was waiting on a Zoom call to start, but client was having technical issues.
The client texted and said, βPlease bare with me.β
Thought it was an odd request, but heβs the client.
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Zoom meetings is a stupid name, and itβs branded.
We should call it a bit more casual like βcoworker video chatβ or something shorter, like βco-vidβ.
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Professionals who think they can work uninterruptedly 9 hours a day end up watching Netflix and drinking a full bottle of coke.
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Sure, working from home can have its disadvantages.
I miss the office politics, the lack of freedom and having to wear shoes.
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Coworker: βDo you ever think about work at home?β
Me: βI donβt even think about work at work!β
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Friend 1: βYouβre working from home because of the coronavirus?β
Friend 2: βIβm working from home because I donβt have a real job. We are not the same.β
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At 11 am, my Boss asking me the status of work from home.
But at that time, I am trying to remember who is he.
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Todayβs working from home tip:
Blowing on the wine in the mug will help convince your Zoom meeting that your tea is hot.
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Iβm getting paid a lot to shut down Zoom calls.
Now Iβm making ends meet by making meets end!
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Working from home becomes more difficult when your bed and YouTube constantly beg for your attention.
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When you work from home, a Tuesday looks pretty much like a Saturday.
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Just kissed my husband intimately on the back of the neck, as I walked past him while working from home.
He started this job on Monday. I thought he was watching a video. He was on a meeting with the CEO.
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Pros of working from home:
Β· No pants
Β· Loud music.
Cons of working from home:
Β· You have to make your own coffee
Β· You talk to yourself too much.
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Manager: βSir, our employees are so habitual of working from home and canβt work in a normal office.β
βFor a better environment, we have made the office look and facility like Home and ask them to come in their pajamas.β
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Working from home is tough.
I have to coordinate a desktop, a laptop and a handheld.
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Husband: βI am working remotely.β
Wife: βYou are not even remotely working.β
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When I said, I wanted to work from home, I didnβt mean I work on Saturday.
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My wife has a Zoom call for work, which means the dog and I have to stay in the bedroom since we donβt know how to behave on Zoom calls.
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I canβt work with idiots.
Thatβs why I work from home and got rid of all the mirrors.
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My boss turned herself into a potato on our Microsoft teams meeting and canβt figure out how to turn the setting off, so she was just stuck like this the entire meeting.
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The most annoying thing about working from home is awkward Skype calls with clients.
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Home-work grew-up and became work from home.
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So apparently, everyone on my husbandβs Zoom work call finds my singing distracting.
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I just saw a burglar kick in his own door.
It looks like he was working from home.
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Working from home is making me go to the kitchen more often than usual.
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I just stare at my desk, but it looks like Iβm working.
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My partner and I have been working from home since March 2020, and he has finally politely informed me that my typing sounds like 50 hungry woodpeckers trying to eat a keyboard.
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Now that Iβm teaching remotely, I canβt reward my students for their good work.
So I tell them to visit my website for cookies instead.
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Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together:
Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on.
In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really donβt know what to do about her.
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No thanks, pants! I am working from home today.
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My work from home plan isnβt going very well because my pet cat keeps hitting its paws on my remote working.
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No one turns on their camera in Zoom.
They have been infected by Novid-19.
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Remote working has worked out well for IT professionals.
It was a hard drive to the office anyway!
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If you get an email starting with Knock Knock donβt open it.
Itβs a Jehovahβs Witness working from home.
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I have been working from home since March of last year.
I am an Uber driver.
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Bill and Melinda were happy for 27 years
And then Bill started working from home.
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Before βworking from homeβ became a thing, I had no idea how great it would feel to walk around naked and fart all day whilst working!
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Started working from home recently building boats in my attic...
Sails are through the roof.
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I donβt work well under pressure...
...or any other circumstance.
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I get plenty of exercise:
jumping to conclusions, pushing my luck, and dodging deadlines.
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I like work. It fascinates me.
I sit and look at it for hours.
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Nothing ruins a Friday more than an understanding that today is Tuesday.
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Iβm great at multitasking:
I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
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My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job.
Iβm still employed. I just canβt remember where.
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I told a joke over a Zoom meeting...
...it wasnβt even remotely funny.
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Me: βI have a Zoom meeting later.β
My cat: βOh, me too.β
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How is my husband still late when working from home?
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They say to have a successful day working from home, you should wake up early, go for a walk, take a shower, and treat it as if itβs a normal workday...
...So is it considered unsuccessful if I wake up 5 minutes before my first call?
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When working from home, for focus and mental health, itβs really important to NOT just wear your pajamas!
Wear yesterdayβs clothes you grabbed off the floor.
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Work is really interfering with my enjoyment of working from home.
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My husband started working from home this week and is set up at the kitchen table so he sees me and the cats repeatedly coming in for snacks, and finally says, βSo you guys just eat all day, huh?β
He does NOT understand our office culture and I donβt think heβs fitting in at all.
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How do people in the navy work from home?
Play Battleship.
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Remember that one time when you had to get out of bed and actually commute to your office?
Yeah, me neither.
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If youβre working on a desktop or laptop, make sure to put on a mask.
You wouldnβt want to catch one of those computer viruses.
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Memo from Director-General to Manager:
Today at 11 oβclock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes.
As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park.
Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse and giving some background information.
Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.
Memo from Manager to Department Head:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes.
For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.
The Director-General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.
Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
The Director-General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse.
This is something that can not be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven.
This will be safe if you pay a moderate cost.
Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director-General will eclipse the sun for two minutes.
This doesnβt happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.
Memo from Supervisor to staff:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director-General disappear.
It is a pity this doesnβt happen every day.
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I was offered a job at the local ice cream shop, but I turned it down.
I donβt like working on sundaes.
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How do construction workers party?
They raise the roof.
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I canβt wait to retire so I can get up at 6 oβclock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
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I love being a grandparent in retirement.
I give my grandkids a lot of sugar and then leave them with their parents to deal with them.
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How do you know itβs time to retire?
Itβs when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it!
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The Boss always insisted that only Abdul should serve his coffee, but
yesterday, this conversation happened.
Boss: βAbdul, since the last 8 years you have brought me coffee filled to the brim without spilling even a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs?β
Abdul: βSir, just before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip. As I get upstairs, I put it back.β
Today is Abdulβs farewell party.
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Good Morning!
Monday through Friday, nine to 5, I reach function along with someone who reaches the workplace, with determination, increasing the spirits of every one of his office mates... after that thereβs you! You are additionally at the workplace!
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Good morning!
The boss is out sick so Iβm taking it upon myself to declare today a sick day for us all. Go back to bed!
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Good Morning, workmate!
Being around you has inspired me... to quit as well as locate a new work!
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What happened to the guy who accidentally made his morning coffee with some Red Bull instead of water?
He got halfway to his work before realizing he had forgotten his car.
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The best part about working in an office is that if you ever forget that you got a haircut, someone will definitely point it out to you.
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Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.
His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his chum and finds him playing tennis.
βIncredible!,β says his friend.
βMedical science is amazing!β
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.
Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.
βIncredible!,β says his friend.
βMedical science is amazing!β
Well, another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.
Well, his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his friend but canβt find him.
He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, βDoc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday.β
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, βOh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.β
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After a minor mathematical error on a routine report, a workerβs boss tried to belittle him in front of his peers.
Angrily she asked, βIf you had 4 pickles and I asked for one, how many would you have left?β
Quickly he replied, βIf it was you who asked, Iβd still have 4 pickles.β
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A man left for work one Friday morning.
Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, βHow would you like it if you didnβt see me for two or three days?β
βThat would be fine with meβ, he replied.
Monday went by and he didnβt see his wife.
Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.
Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.
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When my boss asked me why I showed up late for our Zoom meeting, I told him that he wouldnβt believe the network traffic.
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Working from home. Day 1:
Thisβll be fantastic! I get to stay inside and eat toast on a paper towel.
Day 8:
Engages in conversation with a lamp...
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Working from home. Day 6.
Client: βNo! This is unacceptable. I want to speak to one of your superiors.β
Me: βMoooom!β
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There are three kinds of jobs; those you shower before, those you shower after... and working from home.
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The house cleaner told me that she was going to start working from home, so she sent me a list of chores.
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I like to wrap myself in a blanket when I work from home.
You could say I now work undercover.
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My boss told me, βDress for the job you want, not the job you have.β
Now Iβm sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Spider-Man.
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Co-worker asked me, βIf Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has superpowers, who would be the winners?β
Your Parents when you move out.
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Albertβs retirement party presentation.
βToday we would like to thank Albert for his service to our company.
Albert is someone who does not know the meaning of impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, who does not understand the meaning of the word no.
So we have clubbed together and bought Albert a dictionary.β
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When I got to work Monday, I was limping something awful. My boss noticed and asked me what had happened.
I told him, βOh, nothing. Itβs just an old football injury that acts up once in a while.β
My boss eyed me suspiciously and said, βGee, I never knew you played football.β
I said, βWell, I donβt. I hurt it yesterday when I lost $100 on New York Jets. I put my foot through the television...β
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A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall and idly picking his teeth. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, βHow much money do you make a week?β
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, βI make a little over $400 a week, why?β
The CEO said, βWait right here.β
He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, βHereβs four weeksβ pay. Now GET OUT and donβt come back.β
Feeling pretty good about himself the CEO looked around the room and asked, βDoes anyone want to tell me what that goofball did here?β
From across the room, a voice said, βSure, he was the Pizza delivery guy and was just waiting to collect the money.β
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Chuck Norrisβ first job was as a paperboy.
There were no survivors.
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What do your boss and a slinky have in common?
Theyβre both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.
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Our computers went down at work today, so I had to play Solitaire with a real deck of cards.
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A local lawyer was sitting in his office the other morning when in walked a beautiful young lady.
Without any preliminaries, she said she wanted a divorce.
βOn what grounds?β asked the lawyer.
βI donβt think he is faithful to me,β she replied.
βAnd what makes you think he isnβt faithful?β asked the lawyer.
βWell,β replied the young lady, βI donβt think he is the father of my child.β
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This guy was sitting in his attorneyβs office.
His lawyer says, βDo you want the bad news first or the terrible news?β
βGive me the bad news first,β he says.
βYour wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars,β his lawyer informs him.
βThatβs the bad news?β asks the man incredulously. βI canβt wait to hear the terrible news.β
βThe terrible news is that itβs of you and your secretary.β
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Brunette Mary and blonde Liz were talking in the office one day.
Mary: βWow, that is some cold you have, Liz.β
Liz: βTell me about it. I just cannot get rid of it.β
Mary: βTry some Cold-Doc 3. I have a bottle on my desk. Just take 3 tablespoons before you go to bed and youβll be fine. Here ya go.β
Liz: βThanks, Iβll give it a try.β
The next day Liz was standing by her desk jumping up and down, waving her arms in the air, and kicking her legs out.
Mary: βLiz, It is nice to see you are feeling better. Is that a new dance?β
Liz: βOh No, I still donβt feel that great. I took the medicine you gave me and just realized it said to shake well before using.β
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A woman walks into the Social Workerβs office, trailed by 15 kids.
βWOW!β the social worker exclaims, βAre they ALL yours?β
βYeah, theyβre all mine,β the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, βSit down Terry.β All the children rush to find seats.
βWell,β says the social worker, βthen you must be here to sign up. Iβll need all your childrenβs names.β
βThis oneβs my oldest β he is Terry.β
βOK, and whoβs next?β
βWell, this one he is Terry, also.β
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.
Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
βAll right,β says the caseworker, βIβm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?β
Their Mother replied, βWell, yes, it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell βTerry!β, and when itβs time for dinner, I just yell βTerry!β, and they all come running.
And if I need to stop the kid whoβs running into the street, I just yell Terry and all of them stop. Itβs the smartest idea I ever had, naming them all Terry.β
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, βBut what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?β
βI call them by their surnames.β
π π π
A guy is standing in the street shouting out, βI am God! I am God!β
The police call a social worker who comes over to see if he can help.
Walking up to the guy he asks, βWhat is your name?β
βI am God,β the guy replies getting agitated.
The social worker says, βCalm down. Why donβt we go into this coffee shop, sit down and have a talk.β
As soon as they enter the shop the barista looks at the guy and exclaims, βOh God, not you again!?β
π π π
Retail job interview (2012).
βWhere do you see yourself in 10 years?β
βYou mean after the global pandemic or before the war?β
π π π
Itβs true women do make less money than men. But itβs their fault because they choose the lower-paying jobs.
Men, for example, choose higher-paying jobs like doctor or lawyer.
Whereas women choose lower-paying jobs like women doctor and women lawyer.
π π π
If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember:
right now there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW.
π π π
Whatβs the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market?
Start off with a big fortune!
π π π
Why do SEOs love the farmers market?
Lots of organic content!
π π π
I got a job at a paperless office.
Everything was great until I needed to use the bathroom.
π π π
Welcome to the accounting department, where everybody counts!
π π π
A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing.
Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his dayβs work.
After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant.
Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation.
His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message:
βDebits in the column toward the file cabinet.
Credits in the column toward the window.β
π π π
A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks, βDidnβt your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?β
The businessman replies, βThatβs the accountant weβre looking for.β
π π π
What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?
Lazy.
π π π
Mama always said βWork until your bank account looks like a phone number.β
Well, I did it! Bank balance: 911!
π π π
A Doctor was chatting at a party with a Chartered Accountant.
He asked, βHow do I manage this delicate issue when people even at a party like this ask me about their joint pains and heartburn and gas trouble? Just because I am a doctor. Not fair!β
The CA friend replied coolly, βJust tell them the right things politely, but send them a bill from your clinic the next morning. Only once. Word will soon get around and it will stop immediately.β
βWow! Thanks for the tip,β said the doctor.
The next morning the doctor got a bill from his CA friend: βConsulting charges for Business Developmentβ.
π π π
I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college.
Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.
13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.
π π π
It was the first day of school.
Harryβs mother went into his bedroom and said, βCome on Harry, get up now. You have to go to school today.β
βBut I donβt want to go to school,β replied Harry, βI want to stay in bed. Why do I have to go to school?β
βBecause,β answered his mother, βyouβre a teacher!β
π π π
There was a statistics teacher who would always accelerate hard when driving through intersections and then slow down after passing through.
One day he drove a colleague to work who was noticeably uncomfortable with his driving.
The colleague asked, βWhy do you always drive so fast through intersections?β
To which the statistics teacher responded, βWell, statistically speaking, youβre more likely to have an accident in an intersection, so I make sure to get through them as fast as possible!β
π π π
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, βAnd what starting salary are you looking for?β
The engineer replies, βIn the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.β
The interviewer inquires, βWell, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?β
The engineer sits up straight and says, βWow! Are you kidding?β
The interviewer replies, βYeah, but you started it.β
π π π
Boss: βDo you believe in life after death?β
Employee: βNo, because there is no proof of it.β
Boss: βWell there is now!β
Employee: βHow?β
Boss: βWhen you left yesterday saying that you have to go to your uncleβs funeral, your uncle came here looking for you after you left.β
π π π
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, βI can make the boss give me the day off.β
The man replies, βAnd how would you do that?β
The woman says, βJust wait and see.β
She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, βWhat are you doing?β
The woman replies, βIβm a light bulb.β
The boss then says, βYouβve been working so much that youβve gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.β
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, βWhere are you going?β
The man says, βIβm going home, too. I canβt work in the dark.β
π π π
My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. Weβll see about that.
π π π
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
π π π
Your mama so short, she went to see Santa and he told her to get back to work.
π π π
My father was stupid.
He worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
π π π
A recently ordained priest, Father Henry, was to hold his first-ever graveside burial service at a pauperβs cemetery for a destitute man with no family or friends.
Father Henry, not knowing where the cemetery was, made several wrong turns and got lost.
He eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the spade was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.
Father Henry, being a reliable young priest went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.
Feeling guilty because of his lateness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in considerable style.
As the good Father returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say to the other, βDo you know, fancy that, Iβve been putting in septic tanks for twenty-five years and I ainβt never seen anything like that.β
π π π
Two friends talking:
βHey, can I borrow some money? Iβm broke.β
βGet money from your job.β
βI got fired.β
βWhy?β
βMy boss told me to leave all my problems behind the door, so I told him to stand outside.β
π π π
What would the Terminator be called in his retirement?
The Exterminator.
π π π