Word Jokes



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Word Jokes


A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence.

He pulls him out and says, โ€œSorry, you know the law, youโ€™ve got to go back across the border right now.โ€

The Mexican man pleads with them, โ€œNo, noooo Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!โ€

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, โ€œIโ€™m going to make it hard for him.โ€

He says, โ€œOk, Iโ€™ll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence. The three words are โ€˜greenโ€™, โ€˜pinkโ€™, and โ€˜yellowโ€™.โ€

The Mexican man thinks, then says, โ€œHmmm, okay. The phone, it went green, green, green. I pink it up and sez โ€œyellow?โ€.โ€

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I used to own a raven. It could speak English.

But the only word it could speak was โ€œcarโ€.

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Why are hemorrhoids called โ€œhemorrhoidsโ€ instead of โ€œassteroidsโ€?

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Whose cruel idea was it for the word โ€˜lispโ€™ to have โ€˜sโ€™ in it?

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English can be understood through tough thorough thought, though.

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Five word horror story:

Unexpected item in bagging area.

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For April Fools, my girlfriend replaced my Alpha-Bits with Cheerios.

I have no words to say how angry I am.

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You only have enough time to say one word to Edgar Allan Poe, who is about to walk into a tree. What do you say?

โ€œPoetry!โ€

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I prefer to read poetry in braille for some reason.

I just really feel the words a lot more.

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When my mother died, all my father said was โ€œcough, fatigue,ย feverโ€.

Heโ€™s a man of flu words.

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โ€œThe word of the day is โ€˜contagiousโ€™,โ€ said the teacher. โ€œWho can use it in a sentence?โ€

Little Jenny stood up and said, โ€œMy dad has a cold and said itโ€™s contagious.โ€

The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.

Billy stood up and said, โ€œMiss, my mum has the flu, and I think itโ€™s contagious.โ€

Happy with Billyโ€™s response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.

Little Johnny stood up, โ€œMiss, my next door neighbor is painting his house with a 1-inch brush and my dad said itโ€™s going to take the contagious.โ€

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Three boys on the playground were bragging about their dads.

One said, โ€œMy dad scribbles a few words, calls it a song, and they pay him 50 bucks.โ€

โ€œOh, yah. My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a poem, and they pay him 100 bucks.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s nothing,โ€ said the third kid. โ€œMy dad scribbles a few words, calls it a sermon, and it takes six people to collect all the money!โ€

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A prince was put under a spell so that he could speak only one word each year. If he didnโ€™t speak for two years, the following year he could speak two words, and so on.

One day, he fell in love with a beautiful lady. He refrained from speaking for two whole years so he could call her โ€œmy darlingโ€.

But then he wanted to tell her he loved her, so he waited three more years.ย 

At the end of these five years, he wanted to ask her to marry him, so he waited another four years.ย 

Finally, as the ninth year of silence ended, he led the lady to the most romantic place in the kingdom and said, โ€œMy darling, I love you! Will you marry me?โ€ย 

And the lady said, โ€œPardon?โ€

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Two kids were discussing their back to school sets.

Kid 1: โ€œI have a pen that can write underwater.โ€

Kid 2: โ€œWow really?!โ€

Kid 1: โ€œYep. It can write other words, too.โ€

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What word in the dictionary is spelled incorrectly?

Incorrectly.

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Ole sadly died, so Lena went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries.

The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Lena what she would like to say about Ole.

Lena replied, โ€œYou just put โ€˜Ole diedโ€™.โ€

The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, โ€œThatโ€™s it? Just โ€˜Ole died?โ€™ Surely, there must be something more youโ€™d like to say about Ole. If itโ€™s money youโ€™re concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more.โ€

So Lena pondered for a few minutes and finally said, โ€œOkay. You put โ€˜Ole died. Boat for saleโ€™.โ€

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As today is Motherโ€™s Day, I have three special words for my Mom:

โ€œWhatโ€™s for dinner?โ€

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People who cannot distinguish between etymology and entomology bug me in ways I cannot put into words.

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Once I got kicked out of a library for being a mime.

Because actions speak louder than words.

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I taught my son speed reading and Iโ€™m proud to say that he managed to finish โ€œHarry Potter and the Philosopherโ€™s Stoneโ€ in an hour and a half.

I know itโ€™s only six words, but itโ€™s a start.

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Teacher: โ€œLittle Johnny, give me a sentence using the word โ€˜geometryโ€™.โ€

Little Johnny: โ€œA little acorn grew and grew until it finally awoke one day and said, โ€˜Gee, Iโ€™m a tree!โ€™.โ€

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My English teacher said I had to write 1000 words on the new Margaret Atwood novel.

I managed about 50 before the librarian snatched it back off me.

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Iโ€™ve got wordplay fever, and the only prescription is more pun-icillin.

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Did you know โ€œVegetarianโ€ is a Native American word?

It means โ€œLousy Hunterโ€.

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Do songbirds get mad at hummingbirds...

Because they donโ€™t know the words.

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Why do retirees smile all the time?

Because they canโ€™t hear a word youโ€™re saying!

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Chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, โ€œDo you have any acetylsalicylic acid?โ€

โ€œYou mean aspirin?โ€ asked the pharmacist.

โ€œThatโ€™s it! I can never remember that word.โ€

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I havenโ€™t spoken a word to my wife in years.

She hates to be interrupted.

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How do beat cops define the word โ€œdoughnutโ€?

A local bakery owner who is absolutely crazy about money.

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Why doesnโ€™t the word โ€œmushroomโ€ make a good computer password?

Itโ€™s not stroganoff.

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Albertโ€™s retirement party presentation.

โ€œToday we would like to thank Albert for his service to our company.

Albert is someone who does not know the meaning of impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, who does not understand the meaning of the word no.

So we have clubbed together and bought Albert a dictionary.โ€

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Coach: โ€œYour roommate and the captain of the team reported that you have many bad words for me in your sleep! So do you abuse me in your sleep!โ€

Football Player: โ€œCoach, It is just not true!โ€

Coach: โ€œWhat is not true, I trust the captain and I am asking this in front of him!โ€

Football player: โ€œCoach, It is untrue that I was sleeping!โ€

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What is the longest word in the English language?

โ€œSmilesโ€. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.

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An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot, and asked the owner if she could buy it.

The owner said, โ€œHeck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me, you do not want that parrot!โ€

She said, โ€œI can teach it good manners.โ€

But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.

She took it out and said, โ€œDid you learn your lesson?โ€

It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds.

She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet.

The parrot said โ€œBrr... Yes, I learned my lesson, but what did the chicken do?"

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A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.

The women need to, buy another, but only have $500.

The redhead tells the blonde, โ€œI will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.โ€

She goes to the market and finds one for $499.

Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.

Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word โ€œcomfortableโ€.

Skeptical, the operator asks, โ€œHow will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?โ€

The redhead replies, โ€œShe's a blonde so she reads slow: โ€˜Come for ta bullโ€™.โ€

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Whatโ€™s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?

Oops!

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