Wood Jokes

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Wood Jokes

The president wants to know which of the enforcement agencies is the best at convicting criminals, so he sets a test for the CIA, FBI, and LAPD. He releases a rabbit into the forest and asks them to apprehend it.

The CIA goes in first, using drones to scan the trees, paying the other animals for information, and conducting experiments. After a few months, they find nothing, so they report back that there is no such thing as a rabbit.

The FBI goes in next, but after a few weeks the search is unsuccessful, so they raid the forest, burning it to the ground, including all the other animals and the rabbit. They report back, making no apologies, saying the rabbit deserved it.

The LAPD enters last, and after only a few hours a bruised and battered deer stumbles out of the forest shouting, “Alright, alright, I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit!”

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My neighbor uses a wood stove, but lately he’s had the flu and been too sick to chop his own wood.

Do you think it would be a nice gesture to go chop some firewood for him?

Axeing for a friend.

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I tried to make a wooden submarine.

It didn’t go down so well.

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Two hunters were out hunting in the woods when one of them collapsed.

The other hunter whipped out his phone and dialed 911.

The hunter tells the operator that he thinks his friend is dead.

The operator calms down the hunter and tells him to make sure he’s dead.

There was a brief pause and all of a sudden a gunshot could be heard.

“Okay, he’s definitely dead. What next?” asks the hunter.

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A lumber camp is looking for a lumberjack.

The next day, a skinny person arrives at the camp with an axe. The head lumberjack looks at the little small guy and instructs him to go away.

“Give me a chance to show you what I’m capable of,” the skinny guy pleads.

“See that massive redwood over there?” asks the head lumberjack. “Cut it down with your axe.”

The man runs towards the tree, and in five minutes he’s at the lumberjack’s door.

“I cut the tree down,” the man says.

“Where did you learn to chop down trees like that?” asks the lumberjack, who can’t believe his eyes.

“In the Sahara Forest,” the small man adds.

“You are referring to the Sahara Desert,” says the lumberjack after interrupting him.

“Sure! That’s what they’re calling it these days!”

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Did you hear about the carpenter on a carrot farm who ran out of wood, so he had to start using carrots to make tables?

It turns out he wasn’t just good with wood, he was also good with vege tables.

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A Native American man lived in the big city all his life.

Then one day his father dies.

When he goes home to the reserve for the funeral, the people all nominate him to be the new chief, since he was a successful businessman and his father was a good chief. He accepts.

But then that autumn, the people come to him and ask him if it will be a cold winter that year.

The man has no idea, since he was raised in the city all his life and doesn’t know any of the people’s traditional teachings.

So to be on the safe side, he says, “Yes. Better start gathering firewood.”

So they do.

Later that week, he decides to call up the National Weather Service and ask them what the forecast is for that winter.

They say, “Apparently, it’s going to be pretty cold this year.”

So he orders his people to gather twice as much firewood.

The next week, he calls the weather service again to ask if there are any updates on the forecast.

They say “Yes! Apparently, it’s going to be even colder than we previously thought.”

So the chief tells his people to gather three times the firewood they normally would.

He calls the weather service one more time, and the man tells him it’s probably going to be the coldest winter in history.

The chief asks how they know that.

And the man tells him, “I have no idea, but the Indians down at the local reserve have been gathering firewood like mad!”

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I got a wooden bike with wooden handles and wheels. Guess what?

It woo-den start.

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Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?

Right where ye left him!

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