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Jokes on Women



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Woman Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



A man was deathly allergic to mushrooms.

After a huge fight, his wife cooked a mushroom into his dinner. He ate it and died.

The morel of the story.. killed him.

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


You might be a barrel racer if:

路 Your lucky shirt is held together with safety pins and duct tape.

路 You take your own temperature and think 102 is normal...

路 You can eat a taco on the way to a race and stay in the lines without dropping anything.

路 Your husband says he has a backache and you head to the barn to get the Banamine and Bigel Oil.

路 Your friend goes to borrow your hairbrush and has to pull horse hair out of it first.

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, 鈥淩ose, we both loved barrel racing all our lives, and we rode until we could hardly walk. Please do me one favor... When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there鈥檚 barrel racing there.鈥

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, 鈥淏arb, you鈥檝e been my best friend for many years. If it鈥檚 at all possible, I鈥檒l do this favor for you.鈥

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, 鈥淏arb, Barb.鈥

鈥淲ho is it?鈥 asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. 鈥淲ho is it?鈥

鈥淏arb, it鈥檚 me, Rose.鈥

鈥淵ou鈥檙e not Rose. Rose just died.鈥

鈥淚鈥檓 telling you, it鈥檚 me, Rose,鈥 insisted the voice.

鈥淩ose! Where are you?鈥

鈥淚n Heaven,鈥 replied Rose. 鈥淚 have some really good news and a little bad news.鈥

鈥淭ell me the good news first,鈥 said Barb.

鈥淭he good news,鈥 Rose said, 鈥渋s that there鈥檚 barrel racing in Heaven. Better yet, all of our horses who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we鈥檙e all young again. Better still, it鈥檚 always summer, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can ride all we want, and our horses never get tired.鈥

鈥淭hat鈥檚 fantastic,鈥 said Barb. 鈥淚t鈥檚 beyond my wildest dreams! So what鈥檚 the bad news?鈥

鈥淵ou鈥檙e up here in the slack on Friday.鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


I always wanted a life like a Disney princess.

I should have specified not the part where they are stuck at home, cleaning the whole day.

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


Three pregnant women are chatting in a cafe.

Heather says, 鈥淚 got my ultrasound done yesterday. I鈥檓 pregnant with triplets!鈥

鈥淚 got mine done yesterday too,鈥 says Linda. 鈥淚鈥檓 pregnant with septuplets!鈥

鈥淚 think I鈥檒l get my ultrasound done next week,鈥 says Martha.

The three women chat some more.

Finally, Heather says, 鈥淚 got Disney+ last month. The first movie I watched on it was 鈥楾he Three Little Pigs鈥.鈥

鈥淚 got Disney+ last month too,鈥 says Linda. 鈥淭he first movie I watched on it was 鈥楽now White and the Seven Dwarfs鈥.鈥 When Martha hears this, she instantly goes pale.

鈥淚t鈥檚 okay if you don鈥檛 have Disney+,鈥 says Heather.

鈥淚 do have it,鈥 says Martha. 鈥淚t鈥檚 just that the first movie I watched on it was 鈥101 Dalmatians鈥.鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


Blonde enters the pharmacy.

鈥淒o you have pregnancy test?鈥

鈥淵es, we do.鈥

鈥淎re questions hard?鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


Today at the pharmacy I saw a woman without a face mask buying a pregnancy test.

She clearly isn鈥檛 a fan of protection.

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


I saw a lady in tears at the store.

She said she had lost an envelope with her tax refund inside.

I gave her 100$ because I felt sorry for her.

Plus I had just found about $1,600 in the parking lot.

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


A priest and a nun are having a tennis match.

The priest is very competitive, but can鈥檛 seem to bring his A-game to the nun who is clearly better.

After a volley from the nun, the priest misses and yells: 鈥淕oddamn it! I missed!鈥, startling the nun.

She let it slip by and the match continues.

But alas, after a fierce back-hand from the nun, the priest misses and again yells: 鈥淕oddamn it! I missed!鈥

鈥淪top it!鈥 yells the nun. 鈥淵ou can鈥檛 use the Lords name in vain like that!鈥

The priest apologizes, 鈥淚鈥檓 sorry, sister. I swear to you, if I do it again, may God smite me with all his might.鈥

鈥淔air enough,鈥 grumbles the nun.

The match continues. It鈥檚 going really well, but as fate may have it, the priest misses and slips another 鈥淕oddamn it! I missed!鈥

Suddenly thick, dark clouds gather in the sky and with roaring thunder, a lightning bolt shoots down to the earth and vaporizes the nun into ashes...

A thundering voice emits from the skies, 鈥淒amn it! I missed!鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady.

She said to me, 鈥淪onny, would you like some nuts? I鈥檝e got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you鈥檇 like.鈥

鈥淪ure.鈥, I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

鈥淲hat a nice lady鈥, I thought, while happily munching on the nuts.

A few minutes later, I felt another tap on my shoulder and there she was again, offering some nuts.

I gladly accepted and she went back to her seat.

After about 10 minutes, she tapped me on the shoulder, once again offering some nuts.

I asked her, 鈥淲hy don鈥檛 you eat them yourself?鈥

鈥淏ecause we鈥檝e got no teeth鈥, she replied.

鈥淭hen why do you buy them?鈥, I asked.

鈥淥h, because we just love the chocolate around them.鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


My son is three years old and I took him shopping.

When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket.

Now, I didn鈥檛 buy it and he certainly didn鈥檛 buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping centre and went to the jewelers.

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


I walked into the kitchen today to find my blonde wife looking very confused while holding a jar of pickle.

鈥淲hat鈥檚 wrong?鈥 I asked her.

She replied, 鈥淭his jar of pickle says to store it in a cool, dark location.鈥

I said, 鈥淥kay, how about in the fridge?鈥

She said 鈥淣o, silly, there鈥檚 a little light inside.鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


A man left for work one Friday morning.

Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, 鈥淗ow would you like it if you didn鈥檛 see me for two or three days?鈥

鈥淭hat would be fine with me鈥, he replied.

Monday went by and he didn鈥檛 see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


Guys think that what women wish for is to find the perfect guy and fall in love...

WRONG... What every woman really wish for is to be able to eat anything they want and not get fat.

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


Why did Batman break up with Catwoman?

He didn鈥檛 like getting hair balls.

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


Yo鈥 Mama so stupid, she returned a donut because it had a hole in it.

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


A woman asks a waiter, 鈥淲hat is this fly doing in my Ice cream?!鈥

The waiter says, 鈥淪hivering, madam.鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


鈥淲here did you get this mushroom recipe?鈥 Husband asks his wife.

鈥淚n a detective novel,鈥 she answers.

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.

鈥淗ow wonderful! I hope you don鈥檛 mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?鈥

鈥淗e ate poisonous mushrooms and died.鈥

鈥淥h, how tragic! What about your second husband?鈥

鈥淗e also ate poisonous mushrooms and died.鈥

鈥淥h, how terrible! I鈥檓 almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.鈥

鈥淗e died of a broken neck.鈥

鈥淎 broken neck?鈥

鈥淗e wouldn鈥檛 eat the mushrooms.鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive.

She then told her husband, 鈥淣o mushrooms. They are too high.鈥

He said, 鈥淲hy don鈥檛 you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.鈥

She said, 鈥淣o, some wild mushrooms are poison.鈥

He said, 鈥淲ell, I see varmints eating them and they鈥檙e OK.鈥

So Karen decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol鈥 Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol鈥 Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Karen watched Ol鈥 Spot and the wild mushrooms didn鈥檛 seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Karen even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes.

About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Karen鈥檚 ear.

She said, 鈥淢rs. Grim, Ol鈥 Spot just died.鈥

Karen went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, 鈥淭hat鈥檚 bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We鈥檒l give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone鈥檚 stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.鈥

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.

The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump.One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, 鈥淚 think everything will be fine now,鈥 and he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, 鈥淵ou know, that fellow that ran over Ol鈥橲pot never even stopped.鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


Three women escape from prison 鈥 a blonde and two brunettes 鈥 and to get away from the cops they hide in an abandoned farm house.

Inside the house there are three sacks that the escapees crawl into when the police search the building.

One of the cops sees the sacks and yells, 鈥淭here鈥檚 just three burlap sacks in here!鈥

To which his partner replies, 鈥淭hen kick them just to be sure it鈥檚 not them hiding鈥.

The officer goes and kicks one with a brunette in it and she yells, 鈥淢EEEYYOWW!鈥

The officer says, 鈥淥h, its just a stupid cat in there.鈥

So he kicks the one with the other brunette in it and she yells, 鈥淩UUFFF RUFFF!鈥

The officer says, 鈥淥h, it鈥檚 just a stupid dog!鈥

Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, 鈥淧OTATOES!鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.

A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas which they鈥檇 never seen before.

Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.

When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across to her friend and said, 鈥淚 wouldn鈥檛 eat that if I were you.鈥

鈥淲hy not?鈥

鈥淚 took one bite and went blind for half a minute.鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


Why don鈥檛 blondes eat bananas?

They can鈥檛 find the zipper.

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


Why did two women walk into a saloon pointing bananas at people and shouting, 鈥淕IVE US YER LOOT!鈥

They were both blonds.

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


The hurricane came unexpectedly.

The ship went down and was lost.

The man found himself swept up on the shore of an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing to do. Only bananas and coconuts.

So for the next four months he ate bananas, drank coconut juice and longed for his old life.

He fixed his gaze on the sea, hoping to spot a rescue ship.

One day, as he was lying on the beach, he spotted movement out of the corner of his eye.

It was a rowboat, and in it was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen. She rowed up to him.

In disbelief, he asked her, 鈥淲here did you come from? How did you get here?鈥

鈥淚 rowed from the other side of the island,鈥 she said. 鈥淚 landed here when my cruise ship sank.鈥

鈥淎mazing,鈥 he said. 鈥淚 didn鈥檛 know anyone else survived. How many are there? You were lucky to have a rowboat wash up with you.鈥

鈥淚ts only me,鈥 she said, 鈥渁nd the rowboat didn鈥檛 wash up, nothing did.鈥

He was confused, 鈥淭hen how did you get the rowboat?鈥

鈥淥h, simple,鈥 replied the woman. 鈥淚 made the rowboat out of materials that I found on the island.

The oars were whittled from Gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm branches and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.鈥

鈥淏-B-But that鈥檚 impossible,鈥 stuttered the man. 鈥淵ou had no tools or hardware. How did you manage?鈥

鈥淥h, that was no problem,鈥 replied the woman. 鈥淥n the other side of the island there is a very unusual rock formation exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into iron. I used that for tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.鈥 鈥淏ut enough of that,鈥 she said. 鈥淲here do you live?鈥

Sheepishly, he confessed that he had been sleeping on the beach the whole time.

鈥淲ell, let鈥檚 row over to my place, then.鈥 she said.

After a few minutes of rowing she docked the boat at a small wharf.

As the man looked to the shore, he nearly fell out of the boat. Before him was a stone walk leading to an exquisite bungalow painted in blue and white.

While the woman tied up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man could only stare ahead, dumbstruck.

As they walked into the house, she said casually, 鈥淚t鈥檚 not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?鈥

鈥淣o, no thank you,鈥 he said, still dazed. 鈥淚 can鈥檛 take any more coconut juice.鈥

鈥淚t鈥檚 not coconut juice,鈥 the woman replied. 鈥淚 have a still. How about a Pina Colada?鈥

Trying to hide his amazement, the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch to talk.

After they had exchanged their stories, the woman announced, 鈥淚鈥檓 going to slip into something comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There is a razor upstairs in the bathroom.鈥

No longer questioning anything, the man went into the bathroom. There in the cabinet was a razor made from a bone handle. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge were fastened onto it鈥檚 end.

鈥淭his woman is amazing,鈥 he thought. 鈥淲hat next?鈥

When he returned, she greeted him wearing nothing but vines and smelling faintly of gardenias.

She beckoned for him to sit down next to her.

鈥淭ell me,鈥 she began, suggestively, slithering closer to him, 鈥渨e鈥檝e been out here for a very long time. You鈥檝e been lonely. There鈥檚 something I鈥檓 sure you really feel like doing right now, something you鈥檝e been longing for all these months. You know...鈥 She stared into his eyes.

He couldn鈥檛 believe what he was hearing.

鈥淵ou mean...鈥 he replied, 鈥淚 can check my Facebook from here?!鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


Look up 鈥渞ib鈥 in the dictionary and it says 鈥淭o vex, irritate or annoy鈥.

Look up 鈥渞ib鈥 in the Bible and it says 鈥淲oman鈥.

Coincidence?

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


A local lawyer was sitting in his office the other morning when in walked a beautiful young lady.

Without any preliminaries she said she wanted a divorce.

鈥淥n what grounds?鈥 asked the lawyer.

鈥淚 don鈥檛 think he is faithful to me,鈥 she replied.

鈥淎nd what makes you think he isn鈥檛 faithful?鈥 asked the lawyer.

鈥淲ell,鈥 replied the young lady, 鈥淚 don鈥檛 think he is the father of my child.鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde worked as office assistants for Mrs. Jessell.

They realized that Mrs. Jessell was leaving work early every day, so one day they decided that when she left early, they鈥檇 sneak out a few minutes later.

Minutes after Mrs. Jessell left, they all did the same.

The brunette took a nap.

The redhead got ready for a date.

The blonde went over to her boyfriends house. When she walked in, she saw Mrs. Jessell and her boyfriend smooching on the couch. She backed out the door without them noticing her, feeling very shaky.

The next afternoon, after Mrs. Jessell left work early, the brunette and redhead said they were going to go home as well. But the still shaky blond decided to stay behind.

鈥淲hy?鈥 they asked her.

鈥淏ecause,鈥 she replied, 鈥測esterday I almost got caught!鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


Brunette Mary and blonde Liz were talking in the office one day.

Mary: 鈥淲ow, that is some cold you have, Liz.鈥

Liz: 鈥淭ell me about it. I just cannot get rid of it.鈥

Mary: 鈥淭ry some Cold-Doc 3. I have a bottle in my desk. Just take 3 tablespoons before you go to bed and you鈥檒l be fine. Here ya go.鈥

Liz: 鈥淭hanks, I鈥檒l give it a try.鈥

Next Day Liz was standing by her desk jumping up and down, waving her arms in the air and kicking her legs out.

Mary: 鈥淟iz, It is nice to see you are feeling better. Is that a new dance?鈥

Liz: 鈥淥h No, I still don鈥檛 feel that great. I took the medicine you gave me and just realized it said to shake well before using.鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


A woman walks into the Social Worker鈥檚 office, trailed by 15 kids.

鈥淲OW!鈥 the social worker exclaims, 鈥淎re they ALL yours?鈥

鈥淵eah, they鈥檙e all mine,鈥 the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.

She says, 鈥淪it down Terry.鈥 All the children rush to find seats.

鈥淲ell,鈥 says the social worker, 鈥渢hen you must be here to sign up. I鈥檒l need all your children鈥檚 names.鈥

鈥淭his one鈥檚 my oldest 鈥 he is Terry.鈥

鈥淥K, and who鈥檚 next?鈥

鈥淲ell, this one he is Terry, also.鈥

The social worker raises an eyebrow, but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry.

Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.

鈥淎ll right,鈥 says the caseworker, 鈥淚鈥檓 seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?鈥

Their Mother replied, 鈥淲ell, yes, it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell 鈥淭erry!鈥, an鈥 when it鈥檚 time for dinner, I just yell 鈥淭erry!鈥, an鈥 they all come a runnin.

An鈥 if I need to stop the kid who鈥檚 running into the street, I just yell Terry and all of them stop. It鈥檚 the smartest idea I ever had, naming鈥 them all Terry.鈥

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 鈥淏ut what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?鈥

鈥淚 call them by their surnames.鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


Why do brides cry at the wedding?

Because they never marry the best man.

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


Why do women like men with beards?

Because they immediately see something that they can change!

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


A woman is approaching a very small Bistro.

She calls the barkeeper and when he is standing in front of her she asks him in a very seductive way to come nearer.

Then she bends over the desk and starts to caress his beard.

鈥淎re you the boss of this Bistro?鈥 she asks and touches tenderly his cheek.

鈥淓hhh. No. Not at all!鈥 the barkeeper replies.

鈥淲ould you please call him here?鈥 the lady asks and gently touches his hair.

鈥淥h, I鈥檓 very sorry, but no. Impossible!鈥 the barkeeper sighs who has fun with this situation.

鈥淲ould you then please do me a great favour?鈥 the lady asks and follows gently the line of his lips.

鈥淥f course. What ever you wish!鈥 the barkeeper moans.

鈥淚 want to leave a message for the boss,鈥 she says and let first one, then two fingers slip into his mouth which he gently sucks on.

鈥淲hat message?鈥 the barkeeper asks with the two fingers in his mouth.

鈥淧lease tell him that there is no paper, nor soap, nor towel on the lady鈥檚 toilet.鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


A blonde buys two horses and she can鈥檛 tell them apart.

So she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off.

So she does. But then the other horse鈥檚 tail gets caught in a bush and rips off.

So she can鈥檛 tell them apart again.

She asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horses ears.

So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence. She is still confused.

She asks the farmer what to do. He tells her to measure them.

She comes back and says, 鈥淭he white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


Two factory workers are talking.

The woman says, 鈥淚 can make the boss give me the day off.鈥

The man replies, 鈥淎nd how would you do that?鈥

The woman says, 鈥淛ust wait and see.鈥

She then hangs upside down from the ceiling.

The boss comes in and says, 鈥淲hat are you doing?鈥

The woman replies, 鈥淚鈥檓 a light bulb.鈥

The boss then says, 鈥淵ou鈥檝e been working so much that you鈥檝e gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off.鈥

The man starts to follow her and the boss says, 鈥淲here are you going?鈥

The man says, 鈥淚鈥檓 going home, too. I can鈥檛 work in the dark.鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


A blonde wanted to go ice fishing, so after getting all of the right tools, she headed toward the nearest frozen lake.

After getting comfy on her stool she started to cut a circular hole in the ice.

Then from the heavens a voice boomed, 鈥淭HERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!鈥

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of hot chocolate and started to cut yet another hole in the ice.

The voice boomed, 鈥淭HERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!鈥

This time quite scared, the blonde moved to the far end of the ice.

Then she started another hole and once again the voice said, 鈥淭HERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!鈥

The very scared blonde raised her head and said, 鈥淚s that you, Lord?鈥

The voice answered, 鈥淣O, IT IS THE MANAGER OF THE ICE RINK!鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


A businessman was confused about a bill he had received, so he asked his secretary for some mathematical help.

鈥淚f I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?鈥, he asked her.

The secretary replied, 鈥淓verything but my earrings.鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


Patty was quietly minding her own business, eating her soup alone in her booth at a local eatery, when a voice startled her from behind.

It was the guy in the booth behind her.

鈥淣ot so loud!鈥 he said.

鈥淲hat?鈥 she questioned, as she took another spoonful of soup.

鈥淚 said not so loud!鈥 was his muffled reply.

Embarrassed at being told she was slurping her soup, she pushed away her bowl and started her grilled cheese sandwich.

鈥淗ow was your day?鈥 questioned the man from behind once again.

鈥淧retty good,鈥 responded Patty, confused that this stranger would care.

鈥淒id you pass the exam?鈥 came the next question from behind.

鈥淚 don鈥檛 know, I didn鈥檛 get my grade yet,鈥 replied a thoroughly bewildered Patty.

鈥淚鈥檒l have to call you back when I鈥檓 out of here鈥, came the voice from behind once again, 鈥渟ome nut job is answering every question I ask you!鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


A blonde enters a library.

She goes to the counter and says, 鈥淚鈥檒l like a cheeseburger, fries and a cola.鈥

The librarian says, 鈥淢a鈥檃m this is library.鈥

So the blonde leans in and whispers, 鈥淚鈥檇 like a cheeseburger, fries and a cola.鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


A woman called an airline customer-service desk asking if it was possible to fly with her dog on board.

鈥淪ure,鈥 the airline agent said, 鈥渁s long as you provide your own kennel.鈥

She continued to explain that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer was perplexed.

鈥淚鈥檒l never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?

Lilly.

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


What do you call a lady who is hanging from a roof?

Eve.

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


A woman in England gives birth every 30 seconds.

She must be exhausted.

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


A man feels terrible after running over a cat, he walks up to a lady鈥檚 door.

She answers and he says, 鈥淚鈥檓 so sorry, I ran over your cat. I鈥檇 like to replace it.鈥

The woman says, 鈥淥kay, how good are you at catching mice?鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


The housewife answered a knock on the door and found a total stranger standing on the doorstep.

鈥淓xcuse me for disturbing you, ma鈥檃m,鈥 he said politely, 鈥渂ut I pass your house every morning on my way to work, and I鈥檝e noticed that every day you appear to be hitting your son on the head with a loaf of bread.鈥

鈥淭hat鈥檚 right.鈥

鈥淓very day you hit him on the head with a loaf of bread, and yet this morning you were beating him with a chocolate cake.鈥

鈥淲ell, today is his birthday.鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


A man asked his wife, 鈥淲hat would you most like for your birthday?鈥

She said, 鈥淚鈥檇 love to be ten again.鈥

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park.

He put her on every ride in the par: the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.

Then they were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola.

At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, 鈥淲ell, dear, what was it like being ten again?鈥 One eye opened and she groaned, 鈥淎ctually, honey, I meant dress size!鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


An old lady walked into a pet store, found a parrot, and asked the owner if she could buy it.

The owner said, 鈥淗eck no! That parrot has a bad mouth! Trust me, you do not want that parrot!鈥

She said, 鈥淚 can teach it good manners.鈥

But, when she got home the parrot said a bad word, so she put it in the freezer for 10 seconds.

She took it out and said, 鈥淒id you learn your lesson?鈥

It said another bad word so she put it back in for 30 seconds.

She took it out and asked if it learned its lesson yet.

The parrot said 鈥淏rr... Yes, I learned my lesson, but what did the chicken do?"

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


Man: 鈥淕od, why did you make woman so beautiful?鈥

God: 鈥淪o you would love her?鈥

Man: 鈥淏ut God, why did you make her so dumb?鈥

God: 鈥淪o she would love you?鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


A blonde, brunette and redhead are in a desert.

The brunette says, 鈥淚 brought some water so we don鈥檛 get dehydrated.鈥

The redhead says, 鈥淚 brought some suntan lotion so we don鈥檛 get sunburned.鈥

Then the blonde says, 鈥淚 brought a car door.鈥

The other girls ask, 鈥淲hy did you bring that?鈥

The blonde says, 鈥淪o I can roll down the window if it gets hot.鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


An apartment building is on fire and a woman screams out the window for help.

鈥淛ust jump out the window,鈥 a man yells. 鈥淚鈥檓 a baseball player. I can catch you.鈥

鈥淲ait,鈥 she says. 鈥淲hat team do you play for?鈥

鈥淭he Cincinnati Reds,鈥 shouts the man.

鈥淓hhhh,鈥 shrugs the woman. 鈥淚鈥檒l take my chances with the fire.鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer.

Woman: 鈥淚 need to buy some arsenic.鈥

Pharmacist: 鈥淲hy do you need arsenic?鈥

Woman: 鈥淚 need arsenic because I want to kill my husband.鈥

Pharmacist: 鈥淲HAT?鈥

Woman: 鈥淵ou heard me! I want to kill my husband!鈥

Pharmacist: 鈥淲hy on earth would you want to do that?鈥

Woman: 鈥淏ecause he鈥檚 having an affair with YOUR wife!!!鈥

Pharmacist: 鈥淲ell why didn鈥檛 you tell me you had a prescription?鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


Why haven鈥檛 they sent a woman to the moon?

Because it doesn鈥檛 need cleaning!

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


One Sunny afternoon, two blondes walk down the street.

One of them suddenly points at the sun and says: 鈥淟ook! That鈥檚 the moon over there!鈥

The other one says: 鈥淣o, that鈥檚 the sun!鈥

The first one: 鈥淣o, it鈥檚 the moon!鈥

The other one, again: 鈥淣o, it鈥檚 the sun!鈥

After arguing for a while, the 鈥渟mart鈥 one says: 鈥淟et鈥檚 go to that house over there and ask, what鈥檚 right!鈥

They go to the house and ring the doorbell. Another blonde opens the door.

The 鈥渟mart鈥 one asks: 鈥淓xcuse us, can you tell us, whether it鈥檚 the sun or the moon in the sky?鈥

The blonde looks and says: 鈥淚 wouldn鈥檛 know! I鈥檝e only been living here for two weeks!鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher was talking about life.

She asks him: 鈥淟ittle Johnny, how do you want your wife to be like?鈥

He: 鈥淟ike the moon.鈥

The teacher: 鈥淭hat鈥檚 such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful鈥.

Little johnny: 鈥淣o, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning.鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

鈥淚s there anything breakable in here?鈥, asked the postal clerk.

鈥淥nly the Ten Commandments鈥, answered the lady.

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.

The women need to buy another, but only have $500.

The redhead tells the blonde, 鈥淚 will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.鈥

She goes to the market and finds one for $499.

Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.

Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word 鈥渃omfortable鈥.

Skeptical, the operator asks, 鈥淗ow will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?鈥

The redhead replies, 鈥淪he's a blonde so she reads slow: 鈥楥ome for ta bull鈥.鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


Why don鈥檛 blondes call 911 when they are in an emergency?

Because they can鈥檛 find number eleven on their phone.

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


How do you drown a blonde?

Remind her that life is inane, repetitive, and intrinsically meaningless.

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

You tell her a joke on Wednesday.

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


A blonde, a redhead and a brunette were all lost in the desert.

After walking along for a while they eventually found a lamp and rubbed it.

A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.

The redhead wished to be back home.

Poof! She was transported back home.

The brunette wished to be back at home with her family.

Poof! She was magically transported back home.

The blonde then says, 鈥淎ww, I wish my friends were here.鈥

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


Two blondes fell down a hole.

One said, "It's dark in here isn't it?"

The other replied, "I don't know; I can't see."

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃


I used to be a boy trapped in a woman鈥檚 body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!

馃槃 馃槃 馃槃





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