Wine Jokes

Enjoy our team's carefully selected Wine Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!

Wine Jokes

Why did the grape go to school?

To become a little wine-y!

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Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?

Unfortunately, he was pressed into service.

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There’s a hair in my wine.

The grapes must have been fur-mented.

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What did the grape say when the Koala stood on it?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

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Don’t you love sitting on the sofa late at night with a glass of wine in your hand?

Until the police come along and kick you out of IKEA.

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My wife came home with four cases of beer, three boxes of wine, two bottles of whiskey and two loaves of bread.

β€œAre we expecting guests?” I asked.

β€œNo,” she replied.

β€œThen why did you buy so much bread?”

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An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.

The doctor was surprised to see his happy demeanor.

Doctor: β€œWhat is the secret of your good health?”

Old man: β€œI get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling. And then come back and drink two glasses ofΒ wine!

Maybe this is the secret of my health.”

Doctor: β€œOkay, but can I ask you how old was your father when he died?”

Old man: β€œMy father died! Who told you that he died?!”

Doctor (surprised): β€œYou mean that you are 80 years old, and your father is still alive? So how old is he now?”

Old man: β€œHe is 102 years old and cycled with me this morning and then took two glasses of wine.”

Doctor: β€œThis is very good. This means that the long life is in your family’s genes. So, how old was your grandfather when he died?”

Old man: β€œMy grandfather died! Who told you that he died?!”

Doctor (puzzled): β€œYou mean that you are 80 years old, and your grandfather is still alive very much! What is his age?”

Old man: β€œYes, he is 123 years old.”

Doctor: β€œIΒ think he too must have cycled with you this morning and taken wine too?”

Old man: β€œNo, Grandpa could not go this morning, because he is getting married today.”

Doctor (on the verge of going mad): β€œWhy would he want to get married at the age of 123?”

Old man: β€œWho said he wanted to get married? He had to be forced.”

Doctor (shouted): β€œBut why?!”

Old man: β€œThe Girl is pregnant, that’s why.”

The doctor has been cycling regularly and drinking wine ever since. The clinic is closed.

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A Native American hitchhiker was picked up by a slick city man who was driving past the reservation.

As they were driving along, the Native American noticed a brown paper bag on the dashboard and inquired as to its contents.

The city man replied, β€œIt’s a bottle of wine, I got it for my wife.”

The Native American looked forward at the road, nodded his head solemnly, and said, β€œGood trade.”

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If I ever go missing, I would like my photo, but on wine bottles instead of milk cartons.

This way my friends will know where to look for me.

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Today’s working from home tip:

Blowing on the wine in the mug will help convince your Zoom meeting that your tea is hot.

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Boyfriend: β€œI love you.”

Girlfriend: β€œIs that you or the wine talking?”

Boyfriend: β€œIt’s me talking to the wine.”

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I love Valentine’s Day: the bottle of wine, the heart-shaped ice cream cake...

Taking them home and eating them alone while crying and watching YouTube videos.

Good times.

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Age is important only if you’re cheese and wine.

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Reverend Clive Morgan was completing his homily in St John’s Church about the dangers of alcohol and the need for moderation and temperance.

He announced at the end of the sermon in a loud, clear voice, β€œIf I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.” Β 

With even greater emphasis he added, β€œAnd if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

Finally, he intoned in an extremely serious manner, β€œAnd if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”

The Reverend Morgan then sat down.

Jerry, St John’s leading chorister stood up and announced with a smile, β€œFor our closing hymn this Sunday, let us sing together hymn number 109: Shall We Gather at the River.”

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