Wife Jokes About Husband



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Wife Jokes About Husband


It’s been raining for days now and my husband seems very depressed by it.

He keeps standing by the window, staring. If it continues, I’m going to have to let him in.

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My husband is as handsome as Frank Sinatra and as intelligent as Albert Einstein.

His name is Frankenstein.

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After noticing how trim my husband had become, a friend asked me how I had persuaded him to diet.

It was then I shared my dark secret, β€œI put our teenage son’s shorts in his underwear drawer.”

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My husband and I had a very happy twenty years.

After that, we met.

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Just been shopping with the wife, and out of the nowhere she shouted, β€œYOU ARE SO BLOODY LAZY!”

I was so surprised I almost fell out of the trolley.

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My wife has been mad at me lately because she says I need to get my priorities straight.

I told her we can talk about it after this episode of SpongeBob.

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My wife bought me a Lego car set to build, and it said +3 years in the box.

I got the last laugh, I finished it in 2.

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β€œMr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, β€œand I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”

β€œThat’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband. β€œI’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”

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At the request of my wife, I have placed an order for a box of ants to be shipped from Italy.

She said we need more Rome ants in our relationship.

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I told my wife I was going to do stand-up comedy.

She said, β€œYou’re joking.”

I said, β€œI told you I was good.”

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My wife just called me lazy and said I’d better have something planned for Valentine’s Day.

I said, β€œYes, I was thinking of taking the Christmas decorations down.”

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My wife told me she doesn’t want much this Valentine’s Day.

She said β€œjust some chocolates and a few little surprises will be fine”.

Kinder Eggs it is then.

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My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read anything.

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β€œI’m sorry,” said the clerk in flower shop, β€œwe don’t have potted geraniums... Could you use African violets instead?”

Replied the customer sadly, β€œNo, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone.”

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My wife gave me a haircut on the balcony outside today.

Cleanup was a breeze.

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I was on a Zoom meeting just now and my husband needed to go behind me, so he thoughtfully crawled to stay out of the camera, which means instead of seeing him walk by in his pajamas, my coworkers saw him crawl by in his pajamas.

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My wife has a Zoom call for work, which means the dog and I have to stay in the bedroom since we don’t know how to behave on Zoom calls.

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A man left for work one Friday morning.

Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, β€œHow would you like it if you didn’t see me for two or three days?”

β€œThat would be fine with me”, he replied.

Monday went by and he didn’t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

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What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary?

Get married on his birthday!

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My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.

Guess who’s not allowed in my tree house anymore.

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