Wife Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Wife Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Wife Jokes


A guy calls 911 and says, โ€œI need an ambulance, my wife fell down and canโ€™t get up.โ€

The operator says, โ€œOk, sir. Iโ€™m afraid our GPS is down, so Iโ€™m going to need you to give me your street address.โ€

The guy replies, โ€œWe live at 355 Kosciuszko Street.โ€

The operator responds, โ€œCould you please spell that for me, sir?โ€

The guy pauses and says, โ€œYou know what, Iโ€™m just gonna drag her over to Elm Street.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man calls home to his wife and says, โ€œHoney, I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. Weโ€™ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion Iโ€™ve been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. Weโ€™re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.โ€

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy, but being a good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, โ€œYes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didnโ€™t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?โ€

โ€œI did, theyโ€™re in your tackle box.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


In their small village, a couple was famous for the husband being 102 years old and his wife being 98 years old, and both in terrific condition, working their farm every day and having the bodies of much younger people.

One day, a visitor to the village, curious about the couple, approached the old man at his farm. The old man was cutting wood without a shirt on, sweat glistening on a body that seemed to belong to a man half his age.

The visitor introduced himself and asked the old man, โ€œI hear you are 102!โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s correct,โ€ said the old man with a smile.

โ€œWow, I must say, you look in amazing shape!โ€

โ€œThank you,โ€ said the old man humbly.

โ€œDo you mind if I ask...โ€

โ€œHow am I this healthy at my age?โ€ finished the old man. โ€œHelp me carry this wood back home, and Iโ€™ll tell you.โ€

The visitor agrees and they make their way inside.

โ€œYou see,โ€ said the old man, โ€œIโ€™ve been married for 75 years. Now, when we got married, I made a little arrangement with the wife. Every time we have an argument, the loser of said argument must run for 5 kilometers. Seeing as we have a pretty typical marriage, Iโ€™ve been running 5 kilometers almost every day for 75 years! Thatโ€™s why Iโ€™m in the great shape I am.โ€

โ€œBut if thatโ€™s the case,โ€ said the puzzled visitor, โ€œhow come your wife is in such great shape too?โ€

โ€œWell,โ€ smiled the old man, โ€œshe usually runs after me to make sure I finish the whole five.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


King Arthur got cursed with a strange disease and only an old ugly witch can cure him.

But the witch demanded a young, handsome knight for husband, and Galahad took it for the team and married her.

On the night of the wedding, the witch turned into a beautiful woman and offered Galahad the choice, she can be old and ugly during the day, and young and beautiful at night, or vice versa.

Galahad told her that he respected her choice over her appearance and she can decide that.

The witch was pleased, as Galahad knew what a woman wanted the most, is freedom over her body.

She told Galahad that she will be a beautiful wife all the time for him.

The moral of the story is, no matter how good your wife looks, she is still a witch underneath.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Young actor: โ€œDad, guess what? Iโ€™ve just got my first part in a play. I play the part of a man whoโ€™s been married for 30 years.โ€

Father: โ€œWell, keep at it, son. Maybe one day youโ€™ll get a speaking part.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Husband to friend: โ€œThe physical therapist told my wife she should do some exercise.โ€

Friend: โ€œAnd is she doing this?โ€

Husband: โ€œWell, she is, if jumping to conclusions and running up bills can be called exercise.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A male driver is pulled over by a cop.

Man: โ€œWhatโ€™s the problem, officer?โ€

Cop: โ€œYou were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.โ€

Man: โ€œNo sir, I was going 65.โ€

Wife: โ€œOh, Harry, you were going 80.โ€

Cop: โ€œIโ€™m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.โ€

Man: โ€œBroken tail light? I didnโ€™t know about a broken tail light!โ€

Wife: โ€œOh, Harry, youโ€™ve known about that tail light for weeks.โ€

Cop: โ€œIโ€™m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.โ€

Man: โ€œOh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.โ€

Wife: โ€œOh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.โ€

Man: โ€œShut your mouth, woman!โ€

Cop: โ€œMaโ€™am, does your husband always talk to you this way?โ€

Wife: โ€œNo, only when heโ€™s drunk.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A wife was going to the UK.

Wife: โ€œShould I bring you something from there?โ€

Husband: โ€œYeah. Iโ€™d like an English girl.โ€

The wife leaves for the UK.

After she returns.

Husband: โ€œDid you bring me what I asked for?โ€

Wife: โ€œYes. Youโ€™ll get your English girl in 9 months.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My uncle always refused to obey his controlling wife.

He was defy-aunt.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I told my husband that the National Zooโ€™s sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies.

He said, โ€œNow sheโ€™s guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man ordered for a voice-automated robot car that does anything he tells it to do correctly without any error.

He got the car and started sending it on errands. He became very proud of what the car could do without mistakes.

One day, he was home and his wife told him to tell the car to go and pick the children from school as she was very tired.

The man agreed and said to the car, โ€œCar, go and bring my children from school.โ€

The car went and didnโ€™t return in time as expected, they knew something must be wrong.

Several hours later and no car, the man became apprehensive.

He dressed up and got ready to lodge a report at the police station.

As he and his wife stepped outside they saw the car coming with an overload of children.

The car parked right in front of them and said, โ€œThese are your children, sir.โ€

In the car were their landladyโ€™s two daughters, their choir mistressโ€™s two sons, his wifeโ€™s best friendโ€™s daughter, their pastorโ€™s son, and their neighborโ€™s two sons.

The wife said angrily, โ€œI demand to know if these are all your children?!โ€

The man asked her calmly, โ€œJust as soon as you tell me why our children arenโ€™t in the car.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife has a minor in psychology.

I guess you could say sheโ€™s a little...

Psycho.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Husband: โ€œWhatโ€™s your most hated part of the English language?โ€

Wife: โ€œThe singular second person personal pronoun.โ€

Husband: โ€œWhat?โ€

Wife: โ€œYOU.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife is like a delicious strawberry popsicle.

Cold on the inside and 90% artificial.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.

He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK.

She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said:

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A couple is reading in their living room after dinner, and the husband announces that he had a rough day at work and is going to skip going to his bowling league that night.

The wife nods and goes back to reading her magazine, but keeps glancing at the living room clock.

About twenty minutes later the kitchen phone rings, the wife starts to get up to answer it, but the husband tells her heโ€™s closer, so he walks into the kitchen and answers the phone.

โ€œWhat?! I dunno buddy, call the damn Coast Guard!โ€ and he slams the phone down.

He goes to the living room and resumes reading the newspaper.

His wife looks over at him nervously and asks what the call was about, and the husband replies โ€œPfft, some moron calling to ask if the coast is clear.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


John, a wealthy 60 year old man, shows up at the country club one day with his new wife, a smoking hot 22 year old blonde.

His buddies are amazed, โ€œThere is no way someone that young and attractive would agree to marry an old geezer like you. How did you pull it off?โ€

โ€œItโ€™s simple,โ€ John says, โ€œI lied to her about my age.โ€

โ€œDid you tell her you were 50?โ€ his friends ask.

John shakes his head no.

โ€œThere is no way she could believe you were 40.โ€

John shakes his head again.

Friends: โ€œSo how old did you tell her you were exactly?โ€

John smiles and says, โ€œ85.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do my ex-wife and the economy have in common?

Inflation over time.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two gnolls are sitting in the woods eating lunch.

One says, โ€œBoy, do I hate my wife.โ€

And the other one says, โ€œThen just eat the salad.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife is a light eater.

As soon as itโ€™s light she starts to eat.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


From the death notice of a local newspaper:

After a very hard and painful life, Mr. Miller finally found his peace.

The funeral of his wife Mathilda will take place on the 26th of December.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

โ€œIโ€™m sick and tired of my wife blowing everything out of proportion,โ€ he complains to the bartender. โ€œSheโ€™s single-handedly ruining my balloon animal business.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I tell you, my wife is a lousy cook.

After dinner, I donโ€™t brush my teeth, I count them!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A lady buys some new furniture at IKEA.

She reads the instructions and builds the wardrobe. As soon as itโ€™s built, a bus passes by and the wardrobe falls into pieces.

The lady tries again and 5 minutes later another bus passes by and the wardrobe falls into pieces.

The lady is furious and calls IKEA. IKEA tells her that they will send a worker to build it.

When the worker arrives he builds the wardrobe and says, โ€œOk, Iโ€™m going to my next client.โ€

To which the lady says, โ€œNO! Wait! Youโ€™ll see, as soon as a bus comes by, it will dismantle itself.โ€

The man agrees to stay to wait for the bus.

After a while, the man says that he better get in the wardrobe to see where the problem is when the bus passes by, to which the lady agrees.

10 minutes later the husband arrives and says, โ€œAhh lovely honey, you bought us a new wardrobe.โ€

He opens it up and says, โ€œSIR! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?!โ€

To which the worker replies, โ€œIโ€™m waiting for the bus.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife rotates playing her guitar, drum, or flute once a month.

Itโ€™s part of her minstrel cycle.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife has a whale tattooed on her butt.

It used to be a dolphin.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An little old woman arrives home from bingo and her husband comes running up to her saying, โ€œThank goodness youโ€™re home safe! I was watching the news and apparently a lunatic was driving down the wrong side of the freeway!โ€

She replied, โ€œA lunatic? There were hundreds of them!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

โ€œBro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?โ€

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

Iโ€™m really happy that my prayer worked.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is the name of a man who always knows where his wife is?

A widower.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman goes into labor and at the hospital the doctor says, โ€œThrough the miracles of science, weโ€™ve invented a new machine that will transfer the pain of childbirth to your husband. Would you be the first couple to try it out?โ€

So the husband and wife talk about it and agree that itโ€™s only fair that they share the pain together.

They get hooked up to the machine and as she gets further along the husband gets a little skittish and says, โ€œOK, listen, I know this is going to be super painful, so letโ€™s start it at about 3.โ€

The doctor turns on the machine and before long the husband says, โ€œWow, this is nothing! Go ahead and turn it to 5.โ€

A couple more minutes go by, and again he says, โ€œMan, this is easy, letโ€™s go up to 7.โ€

The husband still sits there calmly and as the baby gets closer he says, โ€œGee honey, I donโ€™t get what all the fuss is about, this is nothing. You women have been complaining about how horrible this is, but itโ€™s a breeze. Gimme everything.โ€

So the doctor turns it up all the way.

The woman has the best, most painless delivery ever, and the husband just sits there like a champ with barely a grimace on his face.

Afterward, the doctor interviews them and the man is still in disbelief over how effortless it was and says heโ€™d gladly do it all again, โ€œI barely felt anything, men are so much tougher than women.โ€

Then, after the woman recovers, they gather their things and take their newborn home with them.

... and find the delivery driver lying dead on the front porch.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Santa:ย โ€œIโ€™m going to watch Mission Impossible tonight.โ€

Banta:ย โ€œOn cable or at theater?โ€

Santa:ย โ€œNot the film, my wife bought slim fit jeans, and she is going to try it.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife was talking about funeral plans.

My Wife: โ€œI said weโ€™ll give you a military send off like the sailors on a ship.โ€

Me: โ€œI was in the Air Force.โ€

My Wife: โ€œOK, weโ€™ll toss you out of an airplane.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of the stuff!

Itโ€™s enough to make a mango crazy.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Losing a wife can be very tough.

Some may even say impossible.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Average speed of a wife in a shopping mall.

$200 per hour.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A wife tells her husband, โ€œIโ€™m just going to pop over to Jenny next door for 5 minutes, donโ€™t forget to stir the curry every half an hour!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife and I have an open relationship.

Found out last night.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

โ€œQuick, jump out the window,โ€ she says to him.

โ€œWhat???โ€ the guy says. โ€œWeโ€™re on the 13th floor!โ€

She says, โ€œJust jump, this is no time to be superstitious!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A sixteen-year-old boy came home with a brand-new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, โ€œWhere did you get that truck?!โ€

โ€œI bought it today,โ€ he says.

โ€œWith what money?โ€ says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.

โ€œWell,โ€ he says, โ€œthis one cost me just fifteen dollars.โ€

The father looks at him like heโ€™s crazy. โ€œWho would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?โ€ he says.

โ€œIt was the lady up the street,โ€ says the boy. โ€œI donโ€™t know her nameโ€”they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars.โ€

โ€œOh my Goodness!โ€ says the mother. โ€œMaybe sheโ€™s mentally ill or has Alzheimerโ€™s something. John, you better go see whatโ€™s going on.โ€

So the boyโ€™s father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting flowers.

He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it.

โ€œWell,โ€ she says, โ€œtwo days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday, I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesnโ€™t intend to come back.โ€

โ€œOh, my goodness, Iโ€™m so sorry,โ€ the father says. โ€œBut what does that have to do with my son and your truck?โ€

โ€œWell, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash. He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, โ€œItโ€™s the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning, on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.โ€

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist & demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, โ€œNow, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast & hurried out to the car, just to realize that Iโ€™d locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.โ€

โ€œThen, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.โ€

โ€œWhen I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.โ€

He continued, โ€œThen I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.

โ€œWhen I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.โ€

โ€œMeanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let-up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I havenโ€™t spoken a word to my wife in years.

She hates to be interrupted.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


It always takes two to create trouble in a marriage.

The wife and the mother-in-law.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A golden rule of the wife:

There isnโ€™t a problem in the world that couldnโ€™t be created.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I just paid for a full haircut, conditioner, neck and scalp massage, face shave and then mustache trim and wax.

Itโ€™s my wifeโ€™s birthday and I thought, โ€œWhat the hell! Iโ€™ll treat her.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


There is a man, he is dying in his bed in his home. He smells something amazing. Itโ€™s the smell of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

With his last strength, he gets out of bed and goes to the kitchen, where his wife of 50 years, is cooking these beautiful chocolate chip cookies. They are on a plate, four of them, just out of the oven.

With his last human strength, he reaches over to take one of the cookies.

His wife sees him, rushes over, she slaps his hand, and she says, โ€œNo, they are for the funeral.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A wife said her husband that they should spice up their love life.

โ€œWhat do you mean?โ€ he asked.

She said, โ€œLetโ€™s do a bit of role-playing. Iโ€™ll be the doctor and you be the patient.โ€

โ€œAlright...โ€ the husband went with it, โ€œHow are you, doctor?โ€

โ€œWe have no appointments till November. Goodbye.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An older couple is watching TV and the man stands up and says, โ€œIโ€™m going to the kitchen. Do you want anything?โ€

His wife answers, โ€œYes, please get me some chocolate ice cream with sprinkles.โ€

The man starts to leave, when his wife says, โ€œHoney, are you sure you donโ€™t want to write that down, your doctor said you may need to in order to remember.โ€

โ€œNo, no, Iโ€™m sure Iโ€™ll remember what you asked for.โ€

A few minutes later, he returns with fried eggs and toast.

His wife says, โ€œWell, see, you did need to write that down. You completely forgot my bacon!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman comes from a restaurant and ate a lot of beans.

When she gets home, his husband puts a blindfold on hair and says not to take it off.

The lady hears her husband leave the room and starts farting really loudly.

When the husband comes back and takes off the blindfold the lady sees 12 people with pegs on their noses singing โ€œHappy birthday!โ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One night, Sally was saying goodnight to her parents and grandparents.

โ€œGood night Mom, good night Dad, good night Grandma, goodbye Grandpa.โ€

Her dad asked her, โ€œWhy goodbye?โ€

โ€œOh, I dunno, I just felt like it.โ€

The very next day, her grandpa died.

That evening, Sally was saying goodnight again.

โ€œGood night Mom, good night Dad, goodbye Grandma.

Her dad was very suspicious but said nothing.

The very next day, Sallyโ€™s grandma died.

That night, when Sally said โ€œGood night Mom, goodbye Dadโ€, Sallyโ€™s dad began to panic. He knew this couldnโ€™t just be a coincidence.

So early the very next day, he went to work, locked his office door, and hid under his desk until late in the afternoon.

Eventually, he decided he should probably go home, or his wife might get worried.

He managed to arrive home safely and asked his wife how her day had been.

โ€œOh, it was just awful!โ€ she replied. โ€œThe Milkman died!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Husband whispers to wife as theyโ€™re going to sleep, โ€œGood night, mother of six.โ€

โ€œGood night, father of one,โ€ she replies.

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I walked into the kitchen today to find my blonde wife looking very confused while holding a jar of pickles.

โ€œWhatโ€™s wrong?โ€ I asked her.

She replied, โ€œThis jar of pickles says to store it in a cool, dark location.โ€

I said, โ€œOkay, how about in the fridge?โ€

She said, โ€œNo, silly, thereโ€™s a little light inside.โ€

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One Sunday morning George burst into the living room and said, โ€œDad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.โ€

After dinner, Georgeโ€™s dad took him aside, โ€œSon, I have to talk with you. Look at your mother, George. She and I have been married 30 years, sheโ€™s a wonderful wife and mother, but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot.โ€

โ€œSusan is actually your half-sister, and Iโ€™m afraid you canโ€™t marry her.โ€

George was brokenhearted.

After eight months he eventually started dating girls again.

A year later he came home and very proudly announced, โ€œDiane said yes! Weโ€™re getting married in June.โ€

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news, โ€œDiane is your half-sister too, George. Iโ€™m awfully sorry about this.โ€

George was livid! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news his father had shared.

โ€œDad has done so much harm. I guess Iโ€™m never going to get married,โ€ he complained. โ€œEvery time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister.โ€

โ€œHee hee,โ€ his mother chuckled, shaking her head, โ€œDonโ€™t pay any attention to what he says. Heโ€™s not really your father.โ€

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โ€œWhere did you get this mushroom recipe?โ€ The husband asks his wife.

โ€œIn a detective novel,โ€ she answers.

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A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.

โ€œHow wonderful! I hope you donโ€™t mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?โ€

โ€œHe ate poisonous mushrooms and died.โ€

โ€œOh, how tragic! What about your second husband?โ€

โ€œHe also ate poisonous mushrooms and died.โ€

โ€œOh, how terrible! Iโ€™m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.โ€

โ€œHe died of a broken neck.โ€

โ€œA broken neck?โ€

โ€œHe wouldnโ€™t eat the mushrooms.โ€

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A local lawyer was sitting in his office the other morning when in walked a beautiful young lady.

Without any preliminaries, she said she wanted a divorce.

โ€œOn what grounds?โ€ asked the lawyer.

โ€œI donโ€™t think he is faithful to me,โ€ she replied.

โ€œAnd what makes you think he isnโ€™t faithful?โ€ asked the lawyer.

โ€œWell,โ€ replied the young lady, โ€œI donโ€™t think he is the father of my child.โ€

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I asked my wife, โ€œWhere do you want to go for our anniversary?โ€

She said, โ€œSomewhere I have never been!โ€

I told her, โ€œHow about the kitchen?โ€

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A married couple is celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary.

They celebrate it in the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 50 years ago.

The next morning at breakfast the man says to his wife, โ€œIsnโ€™t it unbelievable that we have been together for 50 years?โ€

The wife replies saying, โ€œYes it is, we are even sitting at the same table as we did 50 years ago, only back then we were sitting here without clothes,โ€ with a naughty voice.

Both donโ€™t doubt for a moment and they take off their clothes. They sit back down at the table giggling.

The wife says, โ€œYou know honey, even my mamillae are just as hot as 50 years ago.โ€

โ€œNo wonder,โ€ the man replies, โ€œone of them is hanging in your tea and the other one in your soup!โ€

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Came home and found my wife in bed and told her a joke.

It was so funny even the guy under the bed laughed.

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My wife told me that women were better at multi-tasking than men.

So, I told her to sit down and shut up. Guess what?

She couldnโ€™t do either.

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A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

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Iโ€™m not saying my wife is ugly... but on Halloween she went to tell the neighbors to turn their TV down and they gave her some candy.

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A man asked his wife, โ€œWhat would you most like for your birthday?โ€

She said, โ€œIโ€™d love to be ten again.โ€

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and they went to a theme park.

He put her on every ride in the par: the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. She had a go on every ride there was.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach turning.

Then they were off to a movie theater where they ate popcorn and sweets and drank Cola.

At last, she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked, โ€œWell, dear, what was it like being ten again?โ€ One eye opened and she groaned, โ€œActually, honey, I meant dress size!โ€

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The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

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During a Sunday school lesson, a child learned about how God created human beings.

The child became especially focused when the teacher explained how Eve was created from Adamโ€™s ribs.

Later in the week, the boyโ€™s mother saw him lying down on the floor, so she asked him what was wrong.

His reply was priceless, โ€œMom, I have a pain in my sideโ€”I think Iโ€™m getting a wife.โ€

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A manโ€™s bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed.

โ€œLook, being a vice president isnโ€™t that special,โ€ she said. โ€œThey even have a vice president of peas at the supermarket!โ€

Not believing her for one second, the man called the supermarket and demanded, โ€œGet me the vice president of peas!โ€

The clerk replied, โ€œFresh, canned, or frozen?โ€

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At school, Little Johnnyโ€™s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so itโ€™s very easy to blackmail them by saying โ€œI know the whole truthโ€.

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnnyโ€™s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, โ€œI know the whole truth.โ€

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, โ€œJust donโ€™t tell your father.โ€

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, โ€œI know the whole truth.โ€

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, โ€œPlease donโ€™t say a word to your mother.โ€

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, โ€œI know the whole truth.โ€

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, โ€œThen come give your Daddy a great big hug!โ€

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Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer.

Woman: โ€œI need to buy some arsenic.โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œWhy do you need arsenic?โ€

Woman: โ€œI need arsenic because I want to give it to my husband.โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œWHAT?โ€

Woman: โ€œYou heard me! I want to give it to my husband!โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œWhy on earth would you want to do that?โ€

Woman: โ€œBecause heโ€™s having an affair with YOUR wife!!!โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œWell why didnโ€™t you tell me you had a prescription?โ€

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Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher was talking about life.

She asks him: โ€œLittle Johnny, what do you want your wife to be like?โ€

He: โ€œLike the moon.โ€

The teacher: โ€œThatโ€™s such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peacefulโ€.

Little Johnny: โ€œNo, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning.โ€

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