Funny What Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected What Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



What Jokes


What is a volleyball player’s favorite drink?

Sets on the Beach.

😄 😄 😄


What’s a Christian’s favorite flower?

Jesus Rose.

😄 😄 😄


What did the florist say to the customer who was trying to bargain over the price of the rose bouquet?

“Take it or leaf it bud!”

😄 😄 😄


Why did the man driving a train get struck by lightning?

He was a good conductor.

😄 😄 😄


What did the train conductor say to the kangaroo?

“Hop on!”

😄 😄 😄


What kind of ears do trains have?

Engin-eers.

😄 😄 😄


What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?

Toot-and-come-in.

😄 😄 😄


What did the father squirrel tell his son?

Acorny joke.

😄 😄 😄


What does a squirrel wear on its feet?

Cashews.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a holy squirrel?

A chipmunk.

😄 😄 😄


What is a European dragon’s favorite food?

Swiss charred.

😄 😄 😄


What’s a dragon’s favorite snack?

Fire-crackers.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a lawyer who’s also a pirate?

A barracuda-talking sea attorney.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a group of lawyers?

A lawsuit of attorneys.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a lawyer who sings?

An opera attorney.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a lawyer who practices in the morning?

A dawning attorney.

😄 😄 😄


What do you get when you cross the godfather with an attorney?

An offer you can’t understand.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a bad electrician?

A shock absorber.

😄 😄 😄


What kind of car does an electrician drive?

A Volts-wagon.

😄 😄 😄


What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool?

His lightsaber.

😄 😄 😄


What did the electrician use to moisturize his hair?

Air conditioner.

😄 😄 😄


What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?

For a bat, every room is the batroom.

😄 😄 😄


What did the client say when they saw the final ad concept?

“Can we make the logo bigger?”

😄 😄 😄


What did the little cacti say to the big cactus when they were running away?

“Cactus if you can!”

😄 😄 😄


What do you call it when a whole bunch of cacti fall over?

A cac-tas-trophy.

😄 😄 😄


What did the cactus wear with their suit?

A cactie.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a boat in training?

An apprenticeship.

😄 😄 😄


What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?

“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”

😄 😄 😄


What is more exciting than baseball?

Acidball.

😄 😄 😄


What are Pee Wee Herman’s favorite baseball teams?

The Expos and The Yankees.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a fasting camel?

Hump-less.

😄 😄 😄


What does Muslim Sonic say when Ramadan begins?

“Gotta go fast!”

😄 😄 😄


What do you call the end of Ramadan?

Ramadusk.

😄 😄 😄


What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?

They stay in Quran-tine.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a Muslim crocodile?

An Allahgator.

😄 😄 😄


What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist?

It is a great peach of work.

😄 😄 😄


What did Zeus use to make the best fries ever?

Ancient Greece.

😄 😄 😄


What’s a sheep’s favorite holy text?

The Baa-ble.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call an Arabic dairy farmer?

A milk sheikh.

😄 😄 😄


What happens when you go to the beach in hell?

You get a SaTan.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a grape that’s always getting into trouble?

A mis-grape.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a grape that can perform juggle?

A grape-fruit.

😄 😄 😄


What is fruity and burns?

The Grape Fire of London.

😄 😄 😄


What does a grape do with his grandchildren?

He is raisin them.

😄 😄 😄


What moisturizer do Spanish bullfighters use?

OLAY.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a half-baked joke?

A pun in the oven.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?

Quatro sinko.

😄 😄 😄


What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?

Me ghosta.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the difference between a physician and a preschool teacher?

One has a job with patients, the other has the patience of job.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call an Italian mosquito?

Malario.

😄 😄 😄


What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?

A ciao ciao.

😄 😄 😄


What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?

Bicarbonate of Yoda.

😄 😄 😄


What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?

Baking soda.

😄 😄 😄


What excuse did the bowler give when he was accused of stealing?

“I was framed!”

😄 😄 😄


What did the plumber call his restroom?

A home office.

😄 😄 😄


What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?

Must-turd.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a person from Portugal?

Portuguese.

What do you call a person from Portugal who hangs out in a pub with a pint in his hand on a match day?

Portugeezer.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call an extraterrestrial that speaks Portuguese?

A Brazalien.

😄 😄 😄


What’s a toilet on a Portuguese jetty called?

A porto potty.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a Portuguese person all by themself?

A Portugoose.

😄 😄 😄


What is the rough part of Italy called?

The spaghetto.

😄 😄 😄


What did the apple teacher say to her student?

“Help me orange the chairs please!”

😄 😄 😄


What’s one thing that you’ll have in common with a teddy bear on Thanksgiving?

You’ll both be filled with stuffing.

😄 😄 😄


What sound does a turkey’s phone make?

“Wing, wing.”

😄 😄 😄


What’s something usually insulting, but not on Thanksgiving?

A family member giving you the bird.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call rain on Turkey Day?

Fowl weather.

😄 😄 😄


What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day?

“Quack! Quack!”

😄 😄 😄


What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?

Yammies.

😄 😄 😄


What would mothers most like to make on Thanksgiving dinner?

Good restaurant reservations.

😄 😄 😄


What smells the best at dinner on Thanksgiving?

The family dog’s nose.

😄 😄 😄


What does Dracula call Thanksgiving?

Fangs-giving.

😄 😄 😄


What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?

One baked with May-flour.

😄 😄 😄


What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?

God save the kin.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the best dance to do on Thanksgiving?

The turkey trot.

😄 😄 😄


What did the turkey say during Thanksgiving?

It was too stuffed to say anything.

😄 😄 😄


What is a teddy bear’s favorite Thanksgiving food?

Stuffing.

😄 😄 😄


What’s Thanksgiving?

Cooking for 4 hours, so you can eat for 15 minutes, then wash dishes for 4 more hours.

😄 😄 😄


What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?

The letter G.

😄 😄 😄


What happens when your cousin eats all the Pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving?

Plump kin.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a turkey after Thanksgiving?

Lucky.

😄 😄 😄


What sauce do zombies use on Thanksgiving?

Grave-y!

😄 😄 😄


What did Bruno Mars bring to the Thanksgiving Potluck?

24 Karat cakes.

😄 😄 😄


What is a bad bowler’s favorite holiday?

Thanksgiving because they finally get a turkey.

😄 😄 😄


What’s a mathematician’s favorite part of Thanksgiving?

Pumpkin pi.

😄 😄 😄


What did the Mandalorian say about how to cook the Thanksgiving turkey?

“…This is the way.”

😄 😄 😄


What if the Indians would have given the Pilgrims a donkey instead of a turkey?

We’d all be having a piece of ass for Thanksgiving.

😄 😄 😄


What did the man tell his friends who asked for his secret to preparing the turkey for Thanksgiving?

“Easy, I tell the bird he is going to die.”

😄 😄 😄


What’s the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria?

Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Greece.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the difference between retail workers and turkeys?

We let the turkey rest on Thanksgiving.

😄 😄 😄


What can never be eaten for Thanksgiving dinner?

Thanksgiving breakfast.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call bread baked by a poet?

Poet-rye.

😄 😄 😄


What can you find in both medieval English castles and American art museums?

Norman Rock Wells.

😄 😄 😄


What does an English turkey say to another English turkey on Thanksgiving morning?

“To be roasted or not to be roasted, that is the question.”

😄 😄 😄


What language do things that fly in the sky speak?

Plane English.

😄 😄 😄


What does vikings call English villages?

Chopping centers.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call an important English snake?

Sir Pent.

😄 😄 😄


What instrument do English people play?

The Anglo-Saxophone.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the difference between a beautiful night and a horror night?

Beautiful night is when you hug your teddy bear and sleep.

Horror night is...

When your teddy bear hugs you BACK.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a realistic prankster?

A practical joker.

😄 😄 😄


What is a prankster’s favorite toy?

Silly String.

😄 😄 😄


What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?

“April Fool! I’m not really dead!”

😄 😄 😄


What do you call it when you prank a person on Sunday?

Sabbathtoge.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a streetcar that plays pranks on people?

A troll-ey.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a leprechaun’s prank?

A St. Pat-trick!

😄 😄 😄


What did the mayo say after being pranked on April Fools’ Day?

“What the hellmann!”

😄 😄 😄


What happens to corny jokesters who get jailed on April Fools’ Day?

They go to the pun-itentiary.

😄 😄 😄


What is it called when shapes play pranks on each other?

Geometrick.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a hammer bought on April 1st?

April tool.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call the people born in April who aren’t particularly intelligent?

April fools.

😄 😄 😄


What did the victims of a month-delayed April Fools’ prank feel?

Dismay.

😄 😄 😄


What monster plays the most April Fools’ jokes?

Prankenstein!

😄 😄 😄


What did the first person to get April fooled say?

“Jesus! I thought you were dead!”

😄 😄 😄


What has 10 letters and starts with G-A-S? 

Automobile.

😄 😄 😄


What would you call an unidentified object which landed in Australia?

Australien.

😄 😄 😄


What would you call a walking mosquito?

An itch-hiker.

😄 😄 😄


What would you call Israel if it disappeared away?

Wasreal.

😄 😄 😄


What would you call Santa if you found him at the South Pole?

A lost clause.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the similarity between a fresh pair of shorts and a Bugatti bought by a shady businessman?

Both were laundered.

😄 😄 😄


What do clouds wear under their shorts?

Thunderpants.

😄 😄 😄


What is a pianist’s favorite cheese?

Mozzartrella.

😄 😄 😄


What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry?

Shrekspeare.

😄 😄 😄


Why doesn’t an owl study for a test?

They prefer to wing it.

😄 😄 😄


What happens if an owl doesn’t wash?

It smells fowl.

😄 😄 😄


What’s an owl’s favorite subject at school?

Owl-gebra.

😄 😄 😄


What did the aging 007 say to his pharmacist?

Bond. Gold Bond.

😄 😄 😄


What is a prize old people can win for aging?

Atrophy.

😄 😄 😄


What’s it like to be kissed by a vampire?

It’s a pain in the neck.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the worst part about going to the doctor and being diagnosed with diabetes?

You don’t get a lollipop afterward.

😄 😄 😄


What did Santa get the day after Christmas?

Diabetes.

😄 😄 😄


What did one broken ankle say to the other?

“Let’s stay positive and get back on our feet!”

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a dumb carnivore?

A meathead.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a flu that became a musician?

Achoo-bacca.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call an astronomer with the stomach flu?

A gastrophysicist.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a flying pig?

Swine flu.

😄 😄 😄


What is the most common illness in China?

Kung Flu.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a unicorn who got a flu shot?

An immunicorn.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a person who has flu but does not isolate themselves and is very active on social media?

Influen(zer).

😄 😄 😄


What’s the first sign that you have caught bird flu?

Fowl symptoms.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?

One requires a tweetment and one requires an oinkment.

😄 😄 😄


What is an Indian’s favorite place to be?

Indiana.

😄 😄 😄


What do Indians, Pilgrims, and Puritans have in common?

The letter ‘I’.

😄 😄 😄


What do snowmen wear on their heads?

Ice caps.

😄 😄 😄


What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?

A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the hardest part of the roofing business?

The overhead.

😄 😄 😄


What is Bob Marley called on a motorbike?

Bob Harley.

😄 😄 😄


What do you get when you mix a motorbike with a joke?

A Yamahaha.

😄 😄 😄


What do nuns do?

Nunthing.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a nun with a drinking problem?

A bad habit.

😄 😄 😄


What is black and white, black and white, black and white?

A nun rolling down a hill.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call oyster nuns?

Cloisters.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a sleep walking Nun?

A Roamin’ Catholic.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a red, white and blue pie?

Pastry-otic.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call cheese that is sad?

Blue cheese.

😄 😄 😄


What is a bear’s favorite dessert?

Blue beary pie.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the coldest fish in the sea?

A blue whale.

😄 😄 😄


What is red, white, and blue?

A sad candy cane.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a sad berry?

A blue-fruit.

😄 😄 😄


What’s a blueberry’s favorite song?

Anything from the Blue Album by Weezer.

😄 😄 😄


What did the sky say to the ocean?

Nothing, they just had a blue period together.

😄 😄 😄


What did the blue crayon say to the red crayon?

“Hey, pal, want to blue me away?”

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a depressed unicorn?

A blue-corn.

😄 😄 😄


What did the blue paint say to the red paint when they met?

“You’re looking rosy!”

😄 😄 😄


What’s a blue shoe?

A shoe with the blues.

😄 😄 😄


What did the blue cheese say when it looked in the mirror?

“Hallou-mi!”

😄 😄 😄


What did the blue crayon say to the yellow crayon?

“This isn’t cray-on you.”

😄 😄 😄


What did one blue eye say to the other?

Between us, something smells.

😄 😄 😄


What did the blue square say to the red triangle?

“Hi-angle!”

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a blue owl?

A hoo-dini.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a sneaky blue bean?

A navy bean.

😄 😄 😄


What did the blue crayon say to the green crayon?

“You’re green-crayon me!”

😄 😄 😄


What did the blue paint brush say to the red paint brush?

“I blue you away.”

😄 😄 😄


What’s a sad shade of blue?

Bereaved.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a depressed blue crayon?

Blue-tiful.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a blue cat that likes to race?

A fast purrr-ple.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a sad little blue planet?

A gloom.

😄 😄 😄


What’s blue and smells like red paint?

Blue paint.

😄 😄 😄


What did the blue tie say to the little red dress?

“You go ahead, I’ll just hang around.”

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a sad blueberry?

A blue-berry.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a hip bone that’s late for surgery?

Hip-late.

😄 😄 😄


What’s a hipster’s favorite type of surgery?

A hip replacement.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a skeleton who just had hip surgery?

Hip-ster!

😄 😄 😄


What did one hip replacement say to the other?

“You crack me up!”

😄 😄 😄


What did Uranus say to its moon?

“You have the right to remain in orbit, anything you say will be taken out of context!”

😄 😄 😄


What’s the favorite genre of music on Uranus?

Space Opera.

😄 😄 😄


What’s Uranus’ favorite hobby?

Planet-ting.

😄 😄 😄


What did the other planets say to Uranus when it was feeling sad?

“Cheer up, life’s just a gas!”

😄 😄 😄


What did Uranus say to Earth?

“You’re always following me around. Give me some space!”

😄 😄 😄


What’s Uranus’ favorite ice cream flavor?

Gas-tronomic swirl.

😄 😄 😄


What’s Uranus’ favorite type of bread?

Gas-tly sourdough.

😄 😄 😄


What did the comet say when it visited Uranus?

“This place is a gas!”

😄 😄 😄


What’s Uranus’ favorite type of weather?

Gas-tly winds.

😄 😄 😄


What’s Uranus’ favorite type of vehicle?

Gas-guzzler.

😄 😄 😄


What’s Uranus’ favorite subject?

Gas-tronomy.

😄 😄 😄


What did the comet say to Uranus?

“You’re out of this world!”

😄 😄 😄


What’s Uranus’ favorite accessory?

A gas mask.

😄 😄 😄


What’s Uranus’ favorite type of humor?

Dark matter jokes.

😄 😄 😄


What’s Uranus’ favorite comedy movie?

Guardians of the Gas-laxy.

😄 😄 😄


What’s Uranus’ favorite party trick?

Its gas giant dance moves.

😄 😄 😄


What is the definition of breakfast?

What a driver does when a light suddenly changes.

😄 😄 😄


What two things can you never eat for breakfast?

Lunch and dinner!

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a sad blueberry?

A blueberry muffin.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call the guy who draws pictures of criminal suspects?

A con artist.

😄 😄 😄


What is the result of an art competition?

A draw.

😄 😄 😄


What does an owl need after taking a bath?

A t-owl.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call an amazing day up a mountain?

A peak experience.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a fire at the Internet café?

An e-mergency.

😄 😄 😄


What is the definition of bravery?

A man with diarrhea chancing a fart.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the definition of Specimen?

An Italian astronaut.

😄 😄 😄


What is the definition of laziness?

The art of taking rest before getting tired. Because prevention is better than cure.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the definition of a surprise?

A fart with a lump in it.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the difference in definition of complete vs. finished?

When you marry the right woman, you are complete.

When you marry the wrong woman, you are finished.

When the right woman finds you with the wrong woman, you are completely finished.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a Chinese person with a video camera?

Phil Ming.

😄 😄 😄


What did the registered nurse say to the medicine maker when he got sick?

“Let me give you a taste of your own medicine.”

😄 😄 😄


What do elves and registered nurses have in common?

They both do all the work and one guy in an oversized coat gets all the credit.

😄 😄 😄


What did the tired witch do?

She sat down for a spell.

😄 😄 😄


What is Harry Potter’s favorite subject in school?

Spelling.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a red panda dentist?

A molar bear.

😄 😄 😄


What did the red panda say after winning a race?

“I’m un-bear-ably fast!”

😄 😄 😄


What do zombie actors do before they perform?

They re-hearse.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a farmer with a physical therapy degree?

A chirotractor.

😄 😄 😄


What did one roll of toilet paper say to the other?

“I’m feeling wiped out!”

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a male buffalo?

A buffellow.

😄 😄 😄


What do we learn from cows, buffaloes, and elephants?

It’s impossible to reduce weight by eating green grass and salads and walking.

😄 😄 😄


What did a dam say to the river?

“Water you thinking?”

😄 😄 😄


What did a brick say to a wall?

“I’ve got your back!”

😄 😄 😄


What do you call an Arab who has been injured in a bombing?

An ambulance!

😄 😄 😄


What do you call your co-workers in a boring and depressing workplace?

Melancolleague(s).

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a tuna with a monocle?

Sofishticated.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a zombie that writes the music?

Decomposer.

😄 😄 😄


What do you get when you send a wolf to therapy?

Aware wolf.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call guys who love math?

Algebros.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a Spanish guy who has been discharged from hospital?

Manuel.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a guy who’s mad about his feet getting run over?

Lack-toes intolerant.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a guy who’s 19 years old forever?

Constantine.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a guy who urinates on the streets of Europe?

European.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a guy in a plaid suit?

Check mate.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a guy leaning against a wall?

Art.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a guy floating up and down in the water?

Bob.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a guy who’s laying down in front of a door?

Matt.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a guy that works out a lot?

Jim.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a guy who is afraid of Santa?

Claustrophobic.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a guy who specializes in tile floors?

Tyler.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a guy who’s had too much to drink?

A cab.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the difference between a marine biologist and a dog?

One tags a whale, the other wags a tail.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?

An orca-stra.

😄 😄 😄


What did the violin say when it finally played the music correctly?

Viola.

😄 😄 😄


What is the difference between a violin and a viola?

A viola burns longer.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a Viking who can’t catch fish?

A cod-less heathen.

😄 😄 😄


What is the most popular console with the Vikings?

The axe-box.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the hardest part about being a vegan?

It is getting up at 4.30am to milk the almonds.

😄 😄 😄


What is great in the US but awful in the UK?

Losing pounds.

😄 😄 😄


What would you call a small scoop of ice cream?

A uni-cone.

😄 😄 😄


What is special about unicorns?

Their unique horns.

😄 😄 😄


What do a unicorn and an ocean filled with orange soda have in common?

They are both a Fanta sea.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a unicorn’s dad?

Popcorn.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a unicorn with two horns?

A goat.

😄 😄 😄


What do you get if you cross a turtle with a giraffe and a kangaroo?

A turtle neck jumper.

😄 😄 😄


What do you get when you cross a robot and a tractor?

A transfarmer.

😄 😄 😄


What do farmers use to make crop circles?

A pro-tractor.

😄 😄 😄


“What’s the difference between curtains and toilet paper?”

“I don’t know.”

“So it was you!”

😄 😄 😄


What did the bread say before it jumped into the toaster?

“I’M BREADY TO DIE!”

😄 😄 😄


What did the toaster say to the criminal bread?

“I’m taking you into crustody.”

😄 😄 😄


What is Thriday?

That moment when Thursday starts to feel a lot like a Friday.

😄 😄 😄


What is the busiest day for a chiropractor?

Throwback Thursday.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a Thursday that feels a bit off?

Thirst-day, because it’s always craving the weekend.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call Texas if it ever successfully seceded from the USA?

Texit.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a blind dinosaur?

A Do-you-think-he-saw-urus.

How do you call a blind dinosaur’s dog?

Do-you-think-he-saw-urus Rex.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a T-Rex that’s been weightlifting all day?

Dino-sore.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the nickname for someone who put their right hand in the mouth of a T-Rex?

Lefty.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the difference between Netflix and a Bass guitar?

Netflix has Stranger Things 4 and a Bass guitar has 4 Strange Strings.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the best way to talk to The Mind Flayer?

From a distance.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the perfect St. Paddy’s Day breakfast?

Green eggs and ham.

😄 😄 😄


What’s long and green and only shows up once a year?

The St. Patrick’s Day parade.

😄 😄 😄


What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney?

“You are to little to smoke!”

😄 😄 😄


What’s SpongeBob’s worst personality trait?

He’s way too self-absorbent.

😄 😄 😄


What do you get if you cross a squirrel with an elephant?

An animal that remembers where it hid its nuts.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a sad strawberry?

A blueberry.

😄 😄 😄


What is a sloth’s favorite form of exercise?

Running late.

😄 😄 😄


What did the slave owners use to purchase their slaves?

A MasterCard.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call an Asian electrician who is skinny?

Light Ning.

😄 😄 😄


What is the name of a skinny Pakistani cow?

A moo-slim.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the similarity between a broken pencil and my life?

They’re both pointless.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff.

😄 😄 😄


What do you say at a robot funeral?

Rust in peace.

😄 😄 😄


What’s a real estate agent’s favorite song?

“For Lease Navidad”

😄 😄 😄


What’s the human psychology behind all this toilet paper hoarding?

That’s just how we roll.

😄 😄 😄


What is a boxer’s favorite drink?

Punch.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the hardest thing about skydiving?

The ground.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the hardest thing about learning to ride a bike?

The pavement.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a grizzly with no shoes?

Bear foot.

😄 😄 😄


What did one ear of corn say to the other traveling down the highway?

Looks like we had a tire pop out.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the difference between popcorn and pea soup?

Anyone can pop corn, but you can’t pee soup.

😄 😄 😄


What did the polar bear eat after the dentist fixed its tooth?

The dentist.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a polar bear on the South Pole and another Polar Bear On The North Pole?

Polar Opposites.

😄 😄 😄


What do you get when you cross a polar bear with a seal?

A polar bear.

😄 😄 😄


What did the polar bears say when they saw tourists in sleeping bags?

Mmmm, sandwiches!

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a bear who lives in the Arctic and has extreme mood swings?

A bi-polar bear.

😄 😄 😄


What do plumbers, garbage men, and economists all have in common?

They all deal with gross domestic product.

😄 😄 😄


What’s a Pinterest user’s favorite type of weather?

Rainy, so they have an excuse to stay in and pin all day.

😄 😄 😄


What’s a Pinterest addict’s favorite exercise?

Re-pinning.

😄 😄 😄


What do you get when you cross a pineapple and a pig?

A porky–pine.

😄 😄 😄


What is a bank card’s favorite fruit?

A PIN-apple.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a fat pineapple?

A pineapple chunk.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the stupidest element on the periodic table?

Silicon.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a penny that thinks for itself?

A centient.

😄 😄 😄


What did the grape say when the peanut butter tried to stick to it?

“Stop jammin me!”

😄 😄 😄


What is the easiest way to fit an entire peanut butter sandwich into your mouth?

You jam it.

😄 😄 😄


What’s a panda’s biggest life regret?

Never had a selfie in color.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a parrot when he can’t fly?

A walkie talkie.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a male panda?

Amanda.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a large group of sick pandas?

A Pandamic.

😄 😄 😄


What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?

Panda-cakes.

😄 😄 😄


What’s black and white and goes round and round?

A panda stuck in a revolving door.

😄 😄 😄


What’s black and white and goes up and down?

A panda who’s stuck in a lift.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call an otter with acne?

A spotty otter.

😄 😄 😄


What do you say to the otter with a bad tooth?

“You otter see the dentist.”

😄 😄 😄


What do you call an otter who’s obsessed with trains?

A trainsp-otter.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call an otter with a brand-new pair of glasses?

A see otter.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call an otter who has yams in both of his ears?

It doesn’t matter, he can’t hear you.

😄 😄 😄


What is an otter’s favourite fast car?

A Furrari Testerotter. It really is a dream otter-mobile.

😄 😄 😄


What is a clinical trial done in October called?

A trick or treatment.

😄 😄 😄


What do you say when it’s the end of the month?

Oct-over.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a group of nurses who are musicians?

Band aides.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call an older woman who was born around late November and early December?

Saggytarius.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call the 1st of November?

Octover.

😄 😄 😄


What is the most common question the Finnish detective asks a suspect?

“What were you doing the night between November and May?”

😄 😄 😄


What is the official tree of National Pi Day?

A Pi-ne tree.

😄 😄 😄


What is the official animal of National Pi Day?

The pi-thon.

😄 😄 😄


What did pi say when someone asked if it could explain what Pi Day was again?

“I don’t want to repeat myself.”

😄 😄 😄


What’s my blood doctor’s favorite motivational quote?

Be Positive.

😄 😄 😄


What is a moth’s favorite type of glasses?

Lampshades.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a moth that won’t leave you alone?

Moth-erly.

😄 😄 😄


What is a myth?

A female moth.

😄 😄 😄


What is the world’s largest moth?

A Mam-moth.

😄 😄 😄


What is going through a moth’s mind when it flies into a car windshield?

Its abdomen.

😄 😄 😄


What is the definition of a farmer?

Someone is good in their field.

😄 😄 😄


What did the egg say to the frying pan?

You crack me up.

😄 😄 😄


What did the squirrel say on Labor Day weekend?

“Time to get nutty!”

😄 😄 😄


What did the barbecue say on Labor Day weekend?

Time to get fired up!

😄 😄 😄


What did the beach say on Labor Day weekend?

Long time no sea!

😄 😄 😄


What do nuclear plants serve their workers for the Labor Day party?

Fission Chips.

😄 😄 😄


What did the chef say to his staff on Labor Day?

“Let’s take a break and cook up some fun!”

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a group of union workers on Labor Day?

A day of rest-olution.

😄 😄 😄


What did the factory worker say to his boss on Labor Day?

“I’m tired of working for peanuts!”

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a lazy kangaroo on Labor Day?

A pouch potato.

😄 😄 😄


What did the farmer say to his workers on Labor Day?

“I don’t carrot all, take the day off and lettuce celebrate!”

😄 😄 😄


What’s a kangaroo’s favorite type of clothing?

A jump-suit.

😄 😄 😄


What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?

A woolly jumper.

😄 😄 😄


What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an elephant?

Great big holes all over Australia.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a tired kangaroo?

Out of bounds.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call an intelligent blonde?

A golden retriever!

😄 😄 😄


What’s the most intelligent mountain?

The Cleverest.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call an elevator filled with rational, intelligent people?

A lift.

😄 😄 😄


What did the man, eating pickles, say to two of his friends who were complaining about Wednesday?

“You two have got to dill with this hump today!”

😄 😄 😄


What is a camel’s favorite day of the week?

Hump day!

😄 😄 😄


What’s an actuary?

An accountant without the sense of humor.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?

Laughing stock.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a bird that’s afraid of heights?

A chicken.

😄 😄 😄


What’s black and blue and lying in a ditch?

A guitarist who’s told too many drummer jokes.

😄 😄 😄


What do feminists say at the end of their prayers?

Awomen.

😄 😄 😄


What is a feminist’s favorite type of candy?

Her-Shes.

😄 😄 😄


What did Chuck Norris get when he visited the feminist rally for women’s rights?

He got his shirt ironed.

😄 😄 😄


What’s a feminist’s least favorite food?

Gender rolls.

😄 😄 😄


What’s a feminist’s favorite music festival?

Burning Man.

😄 😄 😄


What is the favorite fruit of feminists?

Mangoes.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a letter from a feminist?

Hate male.

😄 😄 😄


What is in 2020s calendar?

January, February, Lockdown, December.

😄 😄 😄


What do you say when someone dies between February 19th and March 20th?

Rest in Pisces.

😄 😄 😄


What did the Elf on the Shelf put on his face after shaving?

Elftershave.

😄 😄 😄


What do my ex-wife and the economy have in common?

Inflation over time.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call someone who likes Easter but doesn’t believe in the Easter Bunny?

Eggnostic.

😄 😄 😄


What is the Easter Bunny’s favourite color?

Egg white.

😄 😄 😄


What do they have for breakfast in earthquake zones?

Panquakes.

😄 😄 😄


What’s a good winter tip?

Never catch snowflakes on your tongue until all the birds have flown south for the winter.

😄 😄 😄


What do truckers celebrate in December?

The haul-idays.

😄 😄 😄


What did Adam say to his girlfriend on December 24?

“It’s Christmas, Eve!”

😄 😄 😄


What did the underpaid data scientist say?

“I need arrays.”

😄 😄 😄


What did the doctor ask the composer right before his colonoscopy?

“How many movements?”

😄 😄 😄


What do you call an exploration mission to Uranus?

Colonoscopy.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the difference between a doctor and a civil engineer?

A doctor kills people one at a time.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a Catholic priest who became a lawyer?

A father-in-law.

😄 😄 😄


What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a millionaire?

A bunny with money.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a chocolate Easter Bunny that was out in the sun too long?

A runny bunny.

😄 😄 😄


What is the common thing between an entrepreneur and a suicide bomber?

Do the job well on the first try and they are set for life.

😄 😄 😄


What’s suicide bombers’ biggest fear?

Dying alone.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a bug that hesitates before biting something?

A nervous tick.

😄 😄 😄


What did the guy with big ears say when his boss asked if he could have a word with him?

“I’m all ears.”

😄 😄 😄


What’s the difference between a bassist and god?

God doesn’t think he’s a bassist.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the definition of an optimist?

A bassist player with a mortgage.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the difference between a bass guitar and a trampoline?

You take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the best thing to play a bass guitar with?

A razor blade.

😄 😄 😄


What did the banker say to the electrician?

“We will pay for your current account.”

😄 😄 😄


What do you put in a female balloon?

Shelium.

😄 😄 😄


What do you get if you cross a porcupine with a balloon?

Pop!

😄 😄 😄


What did the skydiver say in autumn?

I love the fall.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the difference between an architect and an engineer?

If architects built all the buildings, they would fall down on their own.

If engineers built all the buildings, they’d be so ugly, we’d tear them all down.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the difference between a doctor and an architect?

An architect’s mistakes are there for the world to see, but a doctor buries their mistakes.

😄 😄 😄


What do nuns call prison air conditioning?

A convent.

😄 😄 😄


What is the propeller used for on an airplane?

Many people do not know this, but is actually for air conditioning.

If you ever get to see it when the propeller stops, the pilot suddenly starts sweating.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brown?

Artificial intelligence.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call an aboriginal hanging in a tree?

Abocado.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call an aboriginal in a lamp?

An abori-genie.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call an aboriginal rolling down a hill?

Abolanche.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a man with one leg?

Anything you want. He can’t run fast enough to catch you.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a dog, with one eye and one leg?

Lucky.

😄 😄 😄


What does a one-legged man call karate?

Partial Arts.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a Chinese man with one leg?

Tai Wan Shu.

😄 😄 😄


What do farmers give their wives at midnight on New Year’s Eve?

Hogs and kisses.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call always wanting a date for New Year’s Eve?

Social Security.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the problem with jogging on New Year’s Eve?

The ice falls out of your drinks!

😄 😄 😄


What did the peanut butter say to the jelly when it won the lottery?

“We’re rich and jellyous!”

😄 😄 😄


What did the peanut butter say to the jelly when they got lost?

“We’re in a jam!”

😄 😄 😄


What did the nachos say to the cheese?

We were meant to bean.

😄 😄 😄


What did the Patriot apply to the dry patches on the skin?

Revo-lotion.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a nuke that was launched on the 4th of July?

The wrong firework.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a Polish fisherman?

A fishing pole.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a Polish ape?

Chimpanski.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a girl standing in the middle of a volleyball court?

Annette.

😄 😄 😄


What do spiders eat in Paris?

French flies.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a Puerto Rican with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a Puerto Rican dish that’s not spicy?

A mistake.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a Puerto Rican without a car?

Carlos.

😄 😄 😄


What is the perfect profession for narcissists?

Architect. Because they’ll forever be making entrances and drawing stairs.

😄 😄 😄


What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?

Toot-in-common.

😄 😄 😄


What is totally untrue about mummies?

That they are all evil. They get a bad wrap.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the difference between a cow and a moose?

One moos, the other moose.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a small, yellow onion?

A Min-ion.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call someone who has a lot of minions?

A minion-aire.

😄 😄 😄


What do minions call their grandmothers?

Ba-nanas.

😄 😄 😄


What did Kasparov ask Michael Jackson?

“Do you want to be black or white?”

😄 😄 😄


What did the mermaid wear to her math class?

An algae bra.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call violent mermaids?

Mercenaries.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a mermaid on a roof?

Aerial.

😄 😄 😄


What’s worse than getting a job at McDonald’s?

Not getting the job at McDonald’s.

😄 😄 😄


What’s a teacher’s favorite way to celebrate National Teacher Day on May 2nd?

By giving students a pop quiz to see if they’ve been may-taining their knowledge.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a Chinese lobster?

A crust-asian.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call an annoyed lobster?

A frustacean.

😄 😄 😄


What did a llama mum say about the twin siblings?

They looked like the spitting image of each other.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a llama with his head underwater?

Anything you want, he can’t hear you.

😄 😄 😄


What do you receive when you ask a lemon for help?

Lemon aid.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a PC made of legos?

Bricked.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the most common operation in a Lego hospital?

Plastic surgery.

😄 😄 😄


What did one tea leaf say to the other tea leaf?

This is a fine mesh we’ve gotten ourselves into.

😄 😄 😄


What did the grape say when the Koala stood on it?

Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call tea made with weed and koala bears?

A High Koala Tea Beverage.

😄 😄 😄


What’s a koala’s favorite end-of-the-world food?

Apocalyptus.

😄 😄 😄


What is a bear’s favorite drink?

Koka-Koala.

😄 😄 😄


What is it called when your knee transplant fails?

Iron-knee.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the first month of the year in Transylvania?

Janu-eerie.

😄 😄 😄


What do an insurance policy and a woman have in common?

They are both expensive, difficult to understand, and what you get is not guaranteed.

😄 😄 😄


What’s a tall person’s worst fear?

Ceiling fans.

😄 😄 😄


What did the doctor say about the tall person who was in a rush to see him?

“I just wish he was a little patient.”

😄 😄 😄


What do you call an electrocuted Dark Lord?

A Volt-demort.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a left-handed woman with a gunshot wound in her right arm?

An ambulance.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a beautiful woman on a bass player’s arm?

A tattoo.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a bass player who broke up with his girlfriend?

Homeless.

😄 😄 😄


What is God’s favorite guitar chord?

G-Sus.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call two ducks who walk like, act like, and believe they are geese?

A paradux.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a possessed bird?

A polter-goose.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a little guy in a pointy hat on a train saying “tick, tick, tick”?

A metro-gnome.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a psychic gnome that just committed a hit and run?

A small medium at large.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a red-haired baker?

The ginger bread man.

😄 😄 😄


What is it called when two redheads have a kid?

Ginger bred.

😄 😄 😄


What did the geometry teacher say when the class had trouble solving a problem?

“Let’s try a different angle.”

😄 😄 😄


What did the linguistics professor fail Geometry?

He was really bad a translating!

😄 😄 😄


What’s the scariest thing to do on Friday the 13th?

Check your bank account.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a flamingo that flew into a wall?

A flamingstop.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a dead flamingo?

A flamin-ghost.

😄 😄 😄


What did the firefighter say when the church caught on fire?

“Holy smoke!”

😄 😄 😄


What did dad say when he got a universal remote for Father’s Day?

This changes everything!

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a person who overuses emojis?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a gangster who wears eyeliner?

An emoji.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a detective electrician?

Sherlock Ohms.

😄 😄 😄


What did one Egyptian say to the other when they farted at the same time?

Looks like we’ve got a Tutankhamen.

😄 😄 😄


What did the drummer call his twin sons?

Tom.

😄 😄 😄


What’s a drummer’s favorite vegetable?

Beets.

😄 😄 😄


What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two.

😄 😄 😄


What did the dragon say to the bad employee?

You’re fired.

😄 😄 😄


What do dragons like with their soup?

Firecrackers.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a dragon with no wings?

Draggin.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a dolphin that is out of the water?

Dolphout.

😄 😄 😄


What do you get when you cross a Tyrannosaurus rex with explosives?

Dino-mite.

😄 😄 😄


What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?

Plenty of room.

😄 😄 😄


What do diarrhea and eye colour have in common?

It runs in your genes.

😄 😄 😄


What’s faster: lightning, light, or diarrhea?

Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call two depressed bears?

Bipolar.

😄 😄 😄


What do a cyclist and a politician have in common?

Both demand you respect them, but don’t want to follow the same rules as you.

😄 😄 😄


What is it called when your crush has a crush on you too?

Imagination.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a female crab who is also single?

Ms. Shell.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a crab that throws things?

A lobster.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the difference between me and a camel?

A camel can work all week without drinking, I can drink all week without working.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a camel with three humps?

Pregnant.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?

A megalo-sore-a.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a pig stuck in a cactus?

A porcupine.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a gender-confused cactus that relocates to another country?

A trans plant.

😄 😄 😄


What is red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a bison that is good at telling lies?

Bluffalo.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a 200-year-old Buffalo?

A bison-tennial.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the worst part about trying to contact a bingo player?

You have to send them a letter with your number B4 they’ll respond.

😄 😄 😄


What do vampires play bingo with?

Stake money.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call it when rodents invade a beaver colony?

Hamsterdam.

😄 😄 😄


What is a pressing thought of every pig?

“Why do all bacon get cooked and cookies get baked?”

😄 😄 😄


What do you get when you cross an apple with a Christmas tree?

Pineapple.

😄 😄 😄


What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Taking a bite and finding half a worm.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the largest species of ants?

Gi-ants.

😄 😄 😄


What’s a cow’s favorite TV drama?

Graze Anatomy.

😄 😄 😄


What do you get when you cross a turtle and an alpaca?

A turtleneck sweater.

😄 😄 😄


What is an alpaca that is mixed with a dog called?

A Wool-f.

😄 😄 😄


What is a NASA office worker’s favorite part of the workday?

Launchtime.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a penguin in the Sahara desert?

Lost.

😄 😄 😄


What do turkeys like to eat on Thanksgiving?

Nothing, they’re already stuffed.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the key to a great Thanksgiving dinner?

The turkey.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving Day?

On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day.

On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call someone dressed as a clown who falls down the stairs?

An ambulance.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the one thing in this human life that you can count on?

A calculator.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a talking turtle?

A cartoon.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the fastest speed at which a seahorse swims?

At a scallop.

😄 😄 😄


What is a seafood an Italian would love to have?

A moray.

😄 😄 😄


What’s Shrek’s favorite item of clothing?

An ogrecoat.

😄 😄 😄


What’s worse than a box full of snakes?

A box that was SUPPOSED to be full of snakes.

😄 😄 😄


What do single people call Valentine’s Day?

Happy Independence Day.

😄 😄 😄


What’s a poodle’s favorite kind of pizza?

Pupperoni.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a Satanist who only eats low-carb pizza?

The Anti-crust.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the lazy baker’s favorite recipe?

Loaf bread.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a self-obsessed egg?

An eggomaniac.

😄 😄 😄


What is a golfer’s worst nightmare?

The bogeyman.

😄 😄 😄


What’s a pun’s best trait?

His pun-ctuality.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call dental X-rays?

Tooth pics.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a pile of kittens?

A meowntain.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a pencil with two erasers?

Pointless.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a doctor who fixes websites?

A URL-ologist.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a dog with 2 legs?

Snoop Dogg.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call an alligator wearing a vest?

An investigator.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A dinosnore.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a nosy pepper?

Jalapeño business.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

Roberto.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a dinosaur with no eyes?

Doyathinkysaurus.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a fish with 4 eyes?

A fiiiish.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn’t matter what you call him, he ain’t gonna come.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a cow with three legs?

Tri-tip.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Your mom!

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the worst part about April Fools?

Jokes without punchlines.

😄 😄 😄


What do you say when it’s raining chickens and ducks on April Fools’ Day?

It’s fowl spring weather.

😄 😄 😄


What is a soldier’s most active day of the year?

March forth!

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a potato that has turned to the Dark side?

Vader Tots.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call two Han Solos singing together?

Han Duet.

😄 😄 😄


What did the lettuce say to the ship?

ICEBERG!

😄 😄 😄


What do you get when you throw lettuce into the ocean?

I don’t know, lettuce sea.

😄 😄 😄


What is a sailor’s least favorite vegetable?

Leeks.

😄 😄 😄


What is a recently divorced woman’s favorite fruit?

Mango.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a Scottish girl with a fake tan in an Indian restaurant?

A mango lassie.

😄 😄 😄


What is the opposite of mango?

Womanstay.

😄 😄 😄


What did the internal auditor do to liven up the office party?

He didn’t show up.

😄 😄 😄


What did the little boy take his bicycle to bed with him?

Because he didn’t want to walk in his sleep.

😄 😄 😄


What do you have left over after a pig eats a watermelon?

Pork rinds.

😄 😄 😄


What did the watermelon write on his Valentine’s card?

“You’re one in a melon!”

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a dog that herds watermelons?

A Melon Collie.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a Jewish fish?

Isra-eel.

😄 😄 😄


What is a cucumber and a dolphin doing in the same room?

Sushi.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a mermaid in a wheelchair?

Sushi roll.

😄 😄 😄


What did the avocado do at the wedding?

Make a toast.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call an animal found under the avocado tree?

A guaca-mole.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?

Gu-whack-a-mole-e.

😄 😄 😄


What do vegetarians say when they meet someone new?

Nice to vegetable you.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call it when one chickpea murders another?

Hummus-cide.

😄 😄 😄


What did one vegetarian say to the other vegetarian?

We have to stop meating like this.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call someone who’s really into stationary biking?

A cyclepath.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call cheese that’s not yours?

Nacho cheese.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a Hispanic man who spilled his nachos?

A messycan.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call tortilla chips with guns?

Loaded Nachos.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a row of trucks hauling nachos?

A cheesy pickup line.

😄 😄 😄


What is a pirate’s least favorite workout?

Planks. His favorite is chest day.

😄 😄 😄


What did the first egg tell the second egg when it didn’t make it on time?

Omelette.

😄 😄 😄


What is small, square and green?

A small green square.

😄 😄 😄


What is the proper way to use a stress ball at work?

To throw it at the last person that upset you. Instant de-stress.

😄 😄 😄


What is the best way to criticize your boss?

Very quietly, so he cannot hear you.

😄 😄 😄


What do you get when you mix a broccoli and a melon?

The saddest vegetable known to man—a melonccoli.

😄 😄 😄


What do you get if you cross a pig and a witch with sand?

A ham sandwich.

😄 😄 😄


What do you eat at the beach?

A sand-wich.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a religious animal that loves sandwiches?

The Deli Llama.

😄 😄 😄


What do elves make sandwiches with?

Shortbread.

😄 😄 😄


What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?

You make me melt.

😄 😄 😄


What do peanuts wear on their feet?

Cashews.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a single kernel of corn?

A uni-corn.

😄 😄 😄


What is a poet’s favorite legume?

Rhyma-beans!

😄 😄 😄


What do you get if you eat onions on your beans?

Tear gas.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a retired old cowboy?

De-ranged.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No ideer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no ideer.

😄 😄 😄


What do you say to an angry baked sweet potato?

Anything, just butter him up.

😄 😄 😄


What did the butter say to the bread?

“I’m on a roll!”

😄 😄 😄


What did the customer say to the cashier who asked if he wanted his milk in a bag?

“Just leave it in the carton, please.”

😄 😄 😄


What do you call it when you walk into a tea shop and feel like you’ve been there before?

Déja-brew.

😄 😄 😄


What is a deer’s favorite boba flavor?

C-antelope!

😄 😄 😄


What did the dad turkey say to his stubborn child?

“If your mother could see you now, she’d be turning over in her gravy.”

😄 😄 😄


What does a predator call a hummingbird?

Fast food!

😄 😄 😄


What did the priest say to the salad before he ate it?

Lett-uce pray.

😄 😄 😄


What did the salad say to the chef? 

Lett-uce go!

😄 😄 😄


What did the salad dressing say to the tomato?

Don’t look, I’m dressing!

😄 😄 😄


What did they call the first person to bake a pie?

A pie-oneer.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a pig thief?

A hamburglar.

😄 😄 😄


What do you do when you see a severely injured pig that requires immediate medical attention?

You call the hambulance.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call bacon with salt on it?

Salt and Peppa.

😄 😄 😄


What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?

A Christmas Quacker!

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a cat in the desert?

Sandy Claws!

😄 😄 😄


What do Santa’s little helpers learn at school?

The elf-abet.

😄 😄 😄


What is a math teacher’s favorite sum?

Summer!

😄 😄 😄


What is a math teacher’s favorite tree?

Geometry.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a Goldfish cracker laced with Coke?

The snack that’s also crack.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call people with big ears?

Nothing, they might hear you.

😄 😄 😄


What is CHEVROLET an acronym for?

Constantly Having Every Vehicle Recalled Over Lousy Engineering Techniques.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a Chevrolet parked at the top of a hill?

A miracle.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call someone who can’t stick with a diet?

A desserter.

😄 😄 😄


What did the flower say when her son went off to college?

“I be-leaf in you.”

😄 😄 😄


What do alcoholics and chemists have in common?

They both view alcohol as a solution.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the difference between men and pigs?

Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call someone who’s happy on Mondays?

Retired!

😄 😄 😄


What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?

Hope it’s Halloween...

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a desert-dwelling witch?

A sand-witch.

😄 😄 😄


What did the vampire say to his hungry friend?

Don’t B-negative. Look for more positive.

😄 😄 😄


What do Italian ghosts have for dinner?

Spook-hetti!

😄 😄 😄


What do ghosts use to do their makeup?

Vanishing cream.

😄 😄 😄


What did people say when the headless horseman started dating a zombie?

He’s lost his head!

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a haunted chicken?

A poultry-geist.

😄 😄 😄


What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?

Spare ribs.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the problem with twin witches?

You never know which witch is which.

😄 😄 😄


What do moms dress up as on Halloween?

Mummies.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call six witches in a Jacuzzi?

A self-cleaning coven.

😄 😄 😄


What is a vampire’s worst fear?

Tooth decay.

😄 😄 😄


What’s a ghost’s favorite dessert?

I-Scream!

😄 😄 😄


What is in a ghost’s nose?

Boo-gers.

😄 😄 😄


What did one ghost say to the other?

Get a life!

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a skeleton who lays around all day?

Lazy bones.

😄 😄 😄


What do dentists hand out at Halloween?

Candy. It’s good for business.

😄 😄 😄


What did one ghost say to the other ghost?

Do you believe in people?

😄 😄 😄


What do you do when you get locked outside your house in the cold weather?

You talk to the lock because communication is key.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call an old snowman?

Water.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a snowman made of yellow snow?

The “inedible snowman”.

😄 😄 😄


What did the leaf say to autumn?

I’m falling for you!

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a pumpkin that can slam-dunk a basketball?

Michael Gourdan.

😄 😄 😄


What did the orange pumpkin say to the green pumpkin?

“Are you feeling ill?”

😄 😄 😄


What is the funniest thing you can say to a bald man?

“You are so bald that I can simply rub your head and start predicting futures!”

😄 😄 😄


What did one man say to his friend who had a receding hairline?

He said, “Hey, friend, I can see that your head definitely has a brighter future than mine.”

😄 😄 😄


What did the burger do when he ate his enemy the hot dog?

He relished it.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a dog with a fever?

Hot dog.

😄 😄 😄


What do you have to put on your hot dogs?

Must-ard!

😄 😄 😄


What did the American hot dog say to the German hot dog?

You’re the wurst.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the best thing to put on a hot dog?

Water, to cool him down.

😄 😄 😄


What did the man do when he saw a hot dog?

He put it in the shade.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a sea of hot dogs?

Frank Ocean.

😄 😄 😄


What is the best way to enjoy a hot dog?

Relish it.

😄 😄 😄


What did the people call the bad hot dog stand?

The WURST!

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a hot dog bun?

Frank.

😄 😄 😄


What did the mom say when her kid dropped their hot dog?

It could always be wurst!

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a saw that cuts hot dogs?

Sawsage.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a candid hot dog?

A frankfurter.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a claim that a guy could eat a foot long hot dog in two bites?

Hard to swallow.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a hot dog race?

Wiener takes all.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a frozen frankfurter?

A chili dog.

😄 😄 😄


What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter?

Ketch-up!

😄 😄 😄


What did Alex say to his college roommate to get him to stop working on his college essay and come out for hot dogs?

Relish today...

And Ketchup tomorrow.

😄 😄 😄


What did the hot dog say when it crossed the finish line?

“I’m a wiener!”

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it?

A hollow-weenie!

😄 😄 😄


What did the constipated hot dog say?

Muuussttuurrrdd!!

😄 😄 😄


What do you call Spider-Man with 20 eyes?

Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider-Man.

😄 😄 😄


What do heroes like Spider-Man and Ant-Man have in common?

They bug the villains!

😄 😄 😄


What do you call it when Spider-Man is involved in a love triangle?

A tangled web.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call Spider-Man joining the Marvel Universe?

A Spin-Off.

😄 😄 😄


What is the name of Dr. Strange’s cousin who can’t do magic?

Doctor Normal.

😄 😄 😄


What is Spider-Man’s favorite day of the week?

Flyday.

😄 😄 😄


What is Spider-Man’s favorite part of the joke?

The punch line!

😄 😄 😄


What did people start calling Spider-man when he started to stop minding his own business and started interfering in others?

Nosy Parker.

😄 😄 😄


What is Spider-Man’s favorite sport?

Fly fishing.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call it when Spider-Man defeats Iron Man?

Tony Stuck.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call Spider-Man when he quits The Daily Bugle and starts working as a valet?

Peter PARKER.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call Spider-Man when he parks his car?

Peter PARKER.

😄 😄 😄


What is Spider-Man’s favorite Disney movie?

Peter Pan.

😄 😄 😄


What is Spider-Man’s favorite food?

French flies.

😄 😄 😄


What is Spider-Man’s favorite road?

Peter parkway.

😄 😄 😄


What is Spider-Man’s favorite online music app?

Spot-a-fly.

😄 😄 😄


What do you get when you cross Spider-Man with a flatbread?

Pita Parker.

😄 😄 😄


What is Spider-Man’s favorite exercise?

Spin class.

😄 😄 😄


What would you call if Spider-Man starts jumping around buildings instead of swinging using his spider webs?

Peter Parkour.

😄 😄 😄


What is Spider-Man’s favorite pastime?

Surfing the web.

😄 😄 😄


What is Spider-Man’s favorite brand of rice?

Uncle Ben’s.

😄 😄 😄


What is the 7th pin in bowling called?

Mother-In-Law!

😄 😄 😄


What’s a bowling ball’s favorite sweet?

Skittles!

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a triumphant procession held by the bowling pins?

A perfect strike.

😄 😄 😄


What did the bowling ball say to the other ball?

“Don’t stop me now; I’m on a roll!”

😄 😄 😄


What did the bowling ball say to the balling pins on being overused?

Go on a strike.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the cheapest kind of meat you can buy?

Deer balls. They’re under a buck.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snowballs.

😄 😄 😄


What did Neptune say to Pluto when they fought?

Comet me, bro.

😄 😄 😄


What did the planets drink when they wanted to bulk up?

Milky Whey.

😄 😄 😄


What is Planet Earth’s favorite dance move?

The moonwalk.

😄 😄 😄


What did Mars say to Earth?

Get out of my space!

😄 😄 😄


What is a planet’s favorite gum?

Orbit.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the best way to organize a space party?

Planet early!

😄 😄 😄


What did Earth say to the other planets?

Get a life!

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a blood-sucking arachnid on the moon?

A lunar tick.

😄 😄 😄


What does for call the moon after a bat flies into it?

A blood moon!

😄 😄 😄


What is Dracula’s favorite type of moon phase?

A Blood moon.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a clock on the Harvest Moon?

A lunartick.

😄 😄 😄


What do you wear to the September full moon?

A har-VEST.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a snowman in summer?

A puddle.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the best way to watch a fishing tournament?

By live stream.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a cantaloupe in a swimming pool?

A watermelon.

😄 😄 😄


What do snowmen do in summer?

Chillout.

😄 😄 😄


What do you do if you get rejected for a job at the sunscreen company?

Reapply.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a line of men waiting to get a haircut?

A barberqueue!

😄 😄 😄


What do you get if you cross a martian with a golf score?

A little green bogey.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a spaceship with a faulty air conditioning unit?

A frying saucer!

😄 😄 😄


What do you call an alien that lives in a bog?

A marsh-in!

😄 😄 😄


What do you get when you cross an alien and something white and fluffy?

A martian-mallow!

😄 😄 😄


What do aliens on the metric system say?

Take me to your liter.

😄 😄 😄


What did the alien say when he was out of the room?

I’m all spaced out!

😄 😄 😄


What do you give an alien?

Some space!

😄 😄 😄


What do you call an alien with three eyes?

An aliiien!

😄 😄 😄


What did the alien say to the flower bed?

Take me to your weeder!

😄 😄 😄


What do you call alien eggs?

Eggstra-terrestrials!

😄 😄 😄


What’s an alien’s favorite treat?

Martian-mallows!

😄 😄 😄


What’s an alien’s favorite chocolate bar?

A mars bar!

😄 😄 😄


What do aliens like to read?

Comet books!

😄 😄 😄


What do aliens like to eat?

Unidentified frying objects!

😄 😄 😄


What did the alien think of the anti-gravity book?

He couldn’t put it down!

😄 😄 😄


What did the ufo denier say when shown undeniable video proof of alien spaceships and was even told that one of those spaceships houses the leader of the universe?

“Which craft?”

😄 😄 😄


What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

There have been sightings of UFOs.

😄 😄 😄


What do aliens call an American who couldn’t cross the road?

A flat Earther.

😄 😄 😄


What did the IKEA dresser say to the aliens after landing on their planet?

I come in pieces.

😄 😄 😄


What do aliens spread on their toast?

Space jam.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call an alien with no eyes?

Alen.

😄 😄 😄


What did the alien paramedic say when he first arrived on Earth?

“Take me to your bleeder.”

😄 😄 😄


What do you get when you cross a red racing car, nuts, and chocolate?

A Ferrari Rocher!

😄 😄 😄


What do you call the rocks kids covered in chocolate?

Coco pebbles.

😄 😄 😄


What did the shop owner say when he accidentally ordered too much chocolate and marshmallows?

We’ve got a rocky road ahead of us...

😄 😄 😄


What do neckbeards like on their hotdogs?

M’stard.

😄 😄 😄


What do neckbeards put on their pancakes?

M’lasses.

😄 😄 😄


What does a neckbeard call a woman he meets at a fast food joint?

McLady.

😄 😄 😄


What do you get when you shave off a neckbeard’s neckbeard?

M’stache.

😄 😄 😄


What did the hipster tell his chef friend with a beard?

“You ought to shavour every bite!”

😄 😄 😄


What did the fancy bearded goat order at the café?

A goa-tea.

😄 😄 😄


What did the balding guy and teenager growing a beard have in common?

For them, every hair counts!

😄 😄 😄


What did the man say before shaving off his beard?

“Hair goes nothing!”

😄 😄 😄


What did the beard say after growing back on the man’s face?

“I’ve been hair before!”

😄 😄 😄


What did the barber say to the man after shaving his beard?

“All good things must comb to an end.”

😄 😄 😄


What did the man with a beard call his pottery shop?

Hairy Potter.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a goat with a beard?

A goatee.

😄 😄 😄


What did officials say after budget cuts forced them to cancel the last few moon missions?

We APOLLO-gize!

😄 😄 😄


What do you get when you take a green cheese on the moon and divide its circumference by its diameter?

Moon pi.

😄 😄 😄


What do you think walking on the moon is like?

Not very impactful.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a person really crazy about the moon?

A lunatic.

😄 😄 😄


What do you use to hold things on the moon?

Crate-rs.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a crazy moon?

Lunacy.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a lazy man in space?

A procrastronaut.

😄 😄 😄


What did the Moon say to Saturn?

Give me a ring sometime!

😄 😄 😄


What’s closer, France or the Moon?

The Moon, obviously! You can’t see France from here!

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a rampaging cow under the full moon?

Udder lunacy.

😄 😄 😄


What did the therapist say to the moon?

Don’t worry, you’re just going through a phase.

😄 😄 😄


What did the moon say to the sun?

“Hello, Sun.”

What did the sun say to the moon?

“Dad?”

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a meal from the moon?

A satellite dish.

😄 😄 😄


What is the moon’s favorite cartoon?

Lunar-toons.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the best drink they make in space?

Le-moon-ade!

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a clock on the moon?

A lunar-tick!

😄 😄 😄


What is the moon’s favorite type of cheese?

Moon-zerella cheese!

😄 😄 😄


What is the moon’s favorite type of music?

Rocket and roll!

😄 😄 😄


What do moon people do after they get married?

Go on their honey-earth!

😄 😄 😄


What did the grouchy moon say?

Just get outer my space!

😄 😄 😄


What did the French Fry say to the Hamburger?

I guess that’s a wrap!

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh.

😄 😄 😄


What did the blonde say when she looked into the box of Cheerios?

“Wow! Donut seeds!”

😄 😄 😄


What did the donut say to the loaf of bread?

“If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.”

😄 😄 😄


What did the taco say to the depressed donut?

Taco: “Want to taco bout it?”

Donut: “I donut know what to say.”

😄 😄 😄


What’s under the Pillsbury Doughboy’s apron?

Donuts.

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What is the best way to have a well-rounded diet?

Eat donuts.

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What did the sign on the baker’s door read when she wanted to be alone?

Donut disturb.

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What would you call a cute and sassy donut?

Glazing adoughrable.

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What did the sad man say to the man at the dessert counter?

Donut kill my vibe!

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What did you tell the shopkeeper at the grocery store?

Donut mind me, I am here for the hole food.

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What did the basketball player who loved donuts say after the match?

Let’s go to Dunkin’ Donuts for the hole food protein!

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What did the doughy wife say to the donut husband?

“Donut talk to me!”

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What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?

“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star”.

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What is the only thing that can cure a sick donut?

An antidought!

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What’s the National Donut Day theme song?

“Donut Stop Believing”.

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What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?

“Donut hole me back!”

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What do you call a pastry that is a priest?

A Holy Donut.

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What do you call a cute donut?

Adoughrable.

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What’s a donut’s favorite day of the week?

Fry-day.

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What do you call an underwater Dunken’ Donuts?

Sunken Donuts.

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What did the donuts do on their date?

They glazed into each other’s eyes.

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What do you call a kilogram of donuts?

Property of obesity.

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What is every policeman’s favorite charity fundraiser?

Dollars to Donuts.

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What do cops call it when they’re called out to the local donut bakery?

Bread Alert!

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What do prisoners in Denver County lockup eat for breakfast?

Jail-y Donuts.

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What do you call the phenomenon where nobody can hear you on Zoom?

A Mute-ation.

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What do you call a sausage who’s been sunbathing all day?

Done!

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What is sun-bathing called in northern Spain?

Basqueing.

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What is another fancy name for a sun fart?

A solar flare.

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What do you call a female horse that refuses to work while the sun is up?

A Nightmare!

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What do love and fatty foods have in common?

They both go straight for your heart!

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What did the serial killer give his lover for Valentine’s day?

His heart! (Well, not his.)

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What did the electric socket say to their spouse?

“I love you a watt!”

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What did the painter say to her boyfriend?

“I love you with all my art!”

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What did the butcher say to his girlfriend on their first date?

“Nice to meat you.”

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What did one boat say to the other boat?

Are you interested in a little row-mance?

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What is a monster’s favorite part of a birthday celebration?

I scream.

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What did the snowman say to the birthday girl?

Have an ice day!

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What did the birthday cake say to the ice cream?

You’re cool!

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What did the ice cream say to the grumpy birthday cake?

What’s eating you?

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What do you get from an Alaskan cow?

Ice cream.

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What did the newspaper say to the ice cream?

What’s the scoop?

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What’s the motto of an ice cream shop in paradise?

Heaven ice day!

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What did Ernie say when Bert asked if he wanted ice cream?

“Sure, Bert.”

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What do you call a man with no body and no nose?

Nobody nose.

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What’s the best thing about having a big nose?

You’re the first to know when dinner’s ready!

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What’s the best thing about being an anteater?

You’re born with a built-in straw!

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What’s the best way to make a million dollars in horse racing?

Start with 2 million.

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What do you call a picture of a mushroom with no arms, legs or head?

A stalk photo.

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What’s the only room in your house you can’t go into?

A mushroom.

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What’s the world’s biggest mushroom competition?

The champignon’s league.

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What did the mushroom say as he fell off a cliff?

“Help! I’m in truffle!”

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What did the teacher say about the student’s attempt at making pizza?

There’s so mush-room for improvement.

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What do you call a mushroom that has nothing nice to say?

A shii-talkin mushroom.

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What’s the difference between stormtroopers having a party and mushrooms being picked?

One’s bad guys having a fun time and the other one’s fungi having a bad time!

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What do you call when you mix brandy, shiitake mushrooms, rat poison and a dash of vanilla essence?

The ambulance.

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What do you get when a giant steps on a house?

Mush-rooms.

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What do you call a lady who enjoys mushrooms?

A fun-gal.

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What did the fungi say when he was offered seconds at dinner?

“No thanks. I don’t have mush-room left in my stomach.”

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What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys drinks for everyone all night long?

Fun-gi to be around!

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What’s the difference between praying in church and at the track?

At the track you really mean it!

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What is green, white, and red all over?

An elf with a sunburn.

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What did the hot dog bun say to the hot dog?

Stop touching my buns!

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What do you give a dog with a fever?

Mustard because it’s the best thing for a hot dog.

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What do you call a pharmacist working at a veterinary drug company?

A FARM-ASSIST.

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What would you call the alarm clock, which always goes off at 2 am every day?

A ringing nightmare.

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What do you call it when an elf takes a photo of himself?

Nothing! Elves don’t exist!

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What is green and dangerous?

A thundering herd of pickles!

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What’s black and white and green in the middle?

Two zebras, fighting over a pickle.

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What’s the worst thing that can happen on a Friday?

When you realize it’s Thursday.

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What do you call people who were born on Friday the 13th?

By their names.

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What’s the difference between love and marriage?

Love is one long, sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.

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What’s green and hangs from trees?

Giraffe snot.

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What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedgehog?

A six-foot toothbrush.

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What’s brown and very bad for your dental health?

A baseball bat.

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What’s the healthiest part of a donut?

The middle.

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What do you call a pirate with both eyes and all his limbs?

A rookie.

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What is blue and lies under a mushroom?

Smurf poop.

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What did parmesan say when it broke up with mozzarella?

“I’m sorry, I’m too mature for you.”

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What do your boss and a slinky have in common?

They’re both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.

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What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?

To brie.. or not to brie...

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What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market?

Start off with a big fortune!

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What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?

Depreciation.

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What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?

Lazy.

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What is the definition of an accountant?

Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you don’t understand.

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What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary?

Get married on his birthday!

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What do you call a gigantic polar bear?

Nothing, you just run away!

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What do you do when no one laughs at your science jokes?

Keep trying until you get a reaction.

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What’s the difference between a teacher and a train?

The teacher says “Spit your gum out!” and the train says “Chew, chew!”

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What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?

Crashed potatoes!

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What is one of the major advantages of being a bald person?

No matter what happens they can never be to blame for hair on the food!

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What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?

A friend you can count on.

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What do you call a man who falls overboard and can’t swim?

Bob.

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What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?

Lilly.

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What do you call a man who stamps letters at the post office for a living?

Frank.

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What do you call a man who has cat scratches all over his face?

Claude.

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What do you call a man who fixes potholes for a living?

Phil.

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What do you call a lady who is hanging from a roof?

Eve.

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What do you call a man who is always sitting on the toilet?

Lou.

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What do you call a man who is unable to stand up?

Neal.

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What do you call a man who keeps vomiting?

Chuck.

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What do you call a man who is always stealing stuff?

Rob.

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What do you call London without electricity?

Londoff.

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What is the longest word in the English language?

“Smiles”. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.

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What’s the worst thing about having a big nose?

Birds are always perching on it!

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What’s worse than having a big nose?

Having a big nose and tiny hands!

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What do you do when you break your leg in two places?

Quit going to those two places!

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What did one flea say to the other?

“Shall we walk or take the cat?”

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What is an alien’s favorite place on a computer?

The space bar.

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What do you call a Ford Fiesta that ran out of gas?

A Ford Siesta.

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What’s the difference between an orchestra and a bull?

On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.

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What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt!

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a bear with no teeth?

Gummy bear.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle?

A tire.

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What’s the best thing to put into a pie?

Your teeth!

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What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer.

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What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.

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What would the Terminator be called in his retirement?

The Exterminator.

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What is the first day of the week called in outer space?

Moon-day!

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What do you call a witch’s garage?

A broom closet.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?

Oops!

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a cow in an earthquake?

A milkshake!

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