Water Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Water Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Water Jokes


Your eyes are as blue as toilet water.

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I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water.

It’s an untapped market.

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Morals:

1. Money is not everything. There’s also MasterCard & Visa.

2. One should love animals. They are tasty too.

3. Save water. Drink beer.

4. Studying is healthy. So leave it for the sick.

5. Books are holy. So don’t touch them.

6. Every one should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life...

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When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof...

I was shocked.

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It’s said that Jesus could walk on water...

That’s nothing. Stephen Hawking ran on batteries.

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I started to get really worried about climate change when I was house shopping, and my real estate agent used the phrase:

β€œPotential Water Front Property”

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Ole and Lena are out at the lake, getting ready to put the boat in the water. Lena driving and Ole standing in the pickup bed.

The brakes fail as Lena’s backing the boat into the lake, and the truck submerges.

Lena swims out the open window, but Ole doesn’t come up for the longest time.

Finally, up pops Ole. Lena asks him, β€œWhat took you so long?”

Ole replies, β€œOh, you know, that tailgate is hard to open!”

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The kid next door challenged me to a water balloon fight.

I’m just going to update my Facebook status while waiting for the kettle to boil.

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Akpos told his servant, β€œGo and water the plants.”

Servant: β€œIt’s already raining.”

Akpos: β€œSo what, take an umbrella and go!”

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Did you hear about the mermaid who decided to join human society?

Despite her efforts, others still viewed her as a fish out of water.

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In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking up the wharf carrying two live lobsters, at least three pounds, one in each hand. It was three weeks after the season closed.

Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says, β€œWell me laddie, I got you this time with two live lobsters, three weeks after the season closed!”

The Newfie says, β€œNo, my son. You are wrong! These are two trained lobsters I caught two weeks before the season ended.”

The Fisheries Officer says, β€œTrained? Like how?”

β€œWell, my son, each day I takes these two from my house, down to the wharf, and puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim, I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles, and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!”

β€œLikely story,” the Fisheries Officer says. β€œLet’s take them on down to the wharf and see if its true.”

So, the Newfoundlander goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water.

The Newfie sits on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another.

After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the Newfie, β€œHow about whistling?”

The Newfoundlander says, β€œWhat for?”

The Fisheries Officer says, β€œTo call in the lobsters.”

β€œWhat lobsters?” the Newfie asks.

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What do you call a llama with his head underwater?

Anything you want, he can’t hear you.

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One day a boy went swimming in a lake. He soon got into trouble, though and was starting to drown.

Luckily, there was a firefighter by the lake who swam out and pulled the boy up onto the beach and began CPR.

A crowed gathered round and watched as the firefighter frantically pumped on the boys chest. Water kept pouring from the boy’s mouthe ach time the firefighter pumped more water came out.

A short time later, seaweed started coming out, then minnows, then more water started coming out of the boy’s mouth. The firefighter feared this would never stop.

Just then, a paramedic arrived, quickly ran over to the firefighter and said, β€œHey, Chief! You better get that kid’s butt out of the water before you pump that lake dry.”

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What do you call a dolphin that is out of the water?

Dolphout.

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If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed.

That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

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A man was pouring colored water every day on the streets of his town.

One day his neigbhour called the police, because he was pouring suspicious liquids on the streets.

When the police came they asked the man, β€œWhat are you pouring on the streets?”

The guy said, β€œI was pouring anti crocodile liquids.”

The officer said, β€œBut there are no crocodiles in this town!”

The guy said, β€œYou are welcome!”

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How do beavers make a bouncy dam?

They use spring water.

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Two guys were sitting on a dock in Georgia, drinking beer and fishing with their feet dangling in the water.

One guy said, β€œOh no, An alligator just bit one of my feet off!”

The other guy said, β€œWhich one?”

And the first guy said, β€œHow should I know? All the alligators look alike.”

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A mother sends her son to the well to fetch water.

When the boy comes back without water, he explains that there was an alligator in the well.

β€œDon’t worry,” says the mother. β€œThe alligator is just as scared of you as you are of him!”

β€œMom,” says the boy, β€œif the alligator is as scared of me as I am of him, we shouldn’t be drinking that water.”

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A blind man visits Texas.

When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed, β€œWow, this bed is big!”

β€œEverything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop.

The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge bar stool and orders a beer.

A mug is placed between his hands, β€œWow, these drinks are big!”

The bartender replies, β€œEverything is big in Texas.”

After downing a few drinks, the blind man asks where the bathroom is.

β€œSecond door to the right,” says the bartender.

The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in.

Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, β€œDon’t flush, don’t flush!”

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A physicist, a biologist and a chemist take a vacation to the ocean.

The physicist was fascinated by the waves, so he walked into the oceanΒ to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves. Obviously, he was drowned and never returned.

The biologist wanted to research the amazing flora and fauna of the ocean, so he walked into the water as well.Β He, too, never returned.

The chemist thought for a while, then noted in his lab notebook:

The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water.

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I stopped drinking water while studying chemistry.

My notes say adding water decreases concentration.

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On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.

A helpless man, wearing a Montreal Canadiens jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing New York Rangers’ jerseys aboard.Β 

One quickly fired a harpoon into the shark’s side, while the other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Canadiens fan out of the water. Then, using baseball bats, the three heroes in blue beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat as well.

Immediately, the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.

β€œI give you my blessing for your brave actions,” he told them. β€œI heard that there was some bitter hatred between Rangers and Canadiens fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth.”

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies, β€œWho was that?”

β€œIt was the Pope,” one replied. β€œHe is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God’s wisdom.”

β€œWell,” the harpooner said, β€œhe may have access to God’s wisdom, but he knows nothing about shark fishing... How’s the bait holding up?”

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If watermelon has water in it...

Then what does a kumquat have?

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I just saw real, a real idiot at the gym.

He put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

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β€œI’m sorry,” said the clerk in flower shop, β€œwe don’t have potted geraniums... Could you use African violets instead?”

Replied the customer sadly, β€œNo, it was geraniums my wife told me to water while she was gone.”

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Patient: β€œDoctor, I think that I’ve been bitten by a vampire.”

Doctor: β€œDrink this glass of water.”

Patient: β€œWill it make me better?”

Doctor: β€œNo, but I’ll be able to see if your neck leaks.”

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What do you call an old snowman?

Water.

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What happens when you drop a snowball in water?

It gets wet.

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What’s the best thing to put on a hot dog?

Water, to cool him down.

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It’s so hot Siri asked to be dipped in a glass of ice water.

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It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.

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Chuck Norris once soaked his beard in carbonated water.

The result is now sold as Red Bull.

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Did you know they found water on the moon?

But only when it’s waning.

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What would donuts’ favorite drink be?

The hole-y water.

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What do you call an underwater Dunken’ Donuts?

Sunken Donuts.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œWater.”

β€œWater, who?”

β€œWater you doing tonight?”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œIce cream.”

β€œIce cream, who?”

β€œIce cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œWater.”

β€œWater, who?”

β€œWater you waiting for... Let’s get out the ice cream!”

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In most cartoons I watched, characters were able to come back from near death by having water splashed on their face.

On a completely unrelated note, I am no longer allowed at funerals...

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A priest had 3 people at confession.

He went to Guy 1 and asked, β€œWhat sin did you commit?”

Guy 1 responded, β€œI murdered someone.”

The priest responded, β€œDrink this holy water and your sin is forgiven.”

He did so and stood back.

The priest asked Guy 2 and asked, β€œWhat sin did you commit?”

Guy 2 responded, β€œI cheated on my wife.”

The priest responded, β€œDrink this holy water and your sin is forgiven.”

He did so and stood back as well.

Then it was the 3rd person’s turn.

The priest asked him, β€œSo, what sin did you commit?”

Nervously, Guy 3 responded, β€œUm…well, you see, Father…I peed in the holy water.”

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