Walks Into a Bar Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Walks Into a Bar Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Walks Into a Bar Jokes


An Indian walks into a cafรฉ with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.

He says to the waiter, โ€œMe want coffee.โ€

The waiter says, โ€œSure chief, coming right up.โ€

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning, the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.

He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, โ€œMe want coffee.โ€

The waiter says, โ€œWhoa, Tonto. Weโ€™re still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?โ€

The Indian smiles and proudly says, โ€œMe in training for upper management: come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for the rest of the day.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A teacher walks into a bar with his friends on Teachersโ€™ Day evening and says, โ€œCan I have a beer.โ€

The barman says, โ€œI donโ€™t know, can you?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A gnome walks into a bar and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other.

After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night.

The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home.

He turns to the bartender and says, โ€œSorry, Iโ€™m a little short.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A database professional walks into a bar...

And joins two tables.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man walked into a Florida bar with his crocodile and asked the bartender, โ€œDo you serve lawyers here?โ€

Bartender: โ€œSure.โ€

Man: โ€œGood. One beer for me and a lawyer for my crocodile.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A crab walks into a bar.

The Barman says, โ€œI canโ€™t serve you mate, youโ€™re already walking sideways.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A blind man walks into a bar...

And a wall, and a tree, and a cactus.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A brain walks into a bar and says, โ€œIโ€™ll have a pint of beer please.โ€

The barman looks at him and says, โ€œIโ€™m sorry, but I canโ€™t serve you.โ€

โ€œWhy not?โ€ asks the brain.

โ€œYouโ€™re already out of your head.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An elephant, a giraffe and a penguin walk in to a bar.

Itโ€™s at this point I realize that there is something wrong with my pint.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man runs into a bar and shouts, โ€œQuick! How tall is a penguin?!โ€

The bartender says, โ€œDepends. Less than 3 feet.โ€

The man cries out, โ€œOh my God! I just drove over a nun!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man walks into a bar...

His alcoholism is destroying his family.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I went to a bar for a New Yearโ€™s celebration and took a cab home.

Came upon a DUI checkpoint, and when they saw the cab, they just waved us to pass.

After a while, I made it home safely, which is surprising because Iโ€™ve never driven a cab.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

โ€œHowโ€™s the New Yearโ€™s resolution coming?โ€ the bartender asks.

โ€œGreat, I went to the gym today and I already lost 10 pounds,โ€ the guy replies. โ€œSeriously, I have no idea where I misplaced those weights.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.

The bartender asks, โ€œWhy have you got a fried egg on your head?โ€

The man replies, โ€œBecause boiled eggs fall off.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An association football player and hockey player walk into a bar and sit next to each other.

The two only order one beer each, and at one point an argument occurred. The two, deciding not to disturb the rest of the visitors, took it outside and prepared for a fight.

Before any punches could be thrown, the football player fell to the ground and called forย medical help.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A Mormon walks into a bar and says, โ€œIโ€™m with the Utah Liquor Control Department, prepare for a fifteen-hour compliance audit.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man and his family walk into a bar.

Inside the bar, the manโ€™s youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating โ€œWorldโ€™s longest memoryโ€.

The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true.

The child asks, โ€œWhat did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?โ€

The Native American states, โ€œEggs.โ€

The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.

Years later, when the child returns with his own family, he sees the same Native American at the bar.

Walking up to the man, he states a stereotypical, โ€œHow!โ€

The Native American replies, โ€œScrambled.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy walks into a bar, grabs a seat, and orders a whiskey double, neat.

The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over.

The gentleman reaches into his blazer, searching frantically. This catches the bartenderโ€™s attention, so he monitors the patron out of the corner of his eye.

Finally, the man finds what heโ€™s looking for and sighs a sigh of relief. He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey.

The perplexed bartender grabs his attention, โ€œIโ€™m terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?โ€

To which the man replies surprised, โ€œOh no no everythingโ€™s fine! I just promised my wife Iโ€™d never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man walks into a bar, then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender.

He says, โ€œYouโ€™ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?โ€ The bartender turns to the band and yells, โ€œFrank, Iโ€™ve got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The guy goes into a pub.

He orders 7 pints of beer. He drinks the first pint, the third pint, the 5th and the 7th pint, and gets up to leave.

The barman says, โ€œWhy are you not drinking the other three pints?โ€

He says, โ€œDoctors orders.โ€

โ€œWhat do you mean by that?โ€ asks the barman.โ€

โ€œI am on medication and my doctor said to me the odd pint is okay.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A hot dog and a hamburger walk into a bar.

The bartender immediately tells them, โ€œIโ€™m sorry, but we donโ€™t serve food here.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A few guys in Spider-Man costumes walked into a bar.

Apparently, they were web designers!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.

The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.

Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.

He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.

To everyoneโ€™s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, โ€œDid you see what your monkey just did?โ€

โ€œNo, what?โ€

โ€œHe just ate the cue ball off my pool table โ€“ whole!โ€

โ€œYeah, that doesnโ€™t surprise me,โ€ replied the guy, โ€œHe eats everything in sight, donโ€™t worry, Iโ€™ll pay for the cue ball.โ€

The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate, and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him.

He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.

The monkey found a cherry on the bar.

He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.

The bartender asked, โ€œDid you see what that filthy ape just did?โ€

โ€œNo, what?โ€ asked the man.

โ€œWell, he stuck both a cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them.โ€

โ€œYeah, that doesnโ€™t surprise me,โ€ replied the guy. โ€œHeโ€™ll eat anything, but ever since he had to take out that cue ball, he measures everything first.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy goes into a bar in the middle of the day.

Itโ€™s quiet and practically deserted. He sits alone, thinking about the twists and turns his life has taken.

He hears a soft voice: โ€œNice tie.โ€

He looks around, but he doesnโ€™t see anyone.

The voice speaks again: โ€œGreat haircut.โ€ A few moments later: โ€œCongratulations on your promotion.โ€

He waves over to the bartender to ask her if she hears anything.

The bartender says, โ€œThatโ€™s the pretzels, theyโ€™re complimentary.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut youโ€™ve ever seen.

โ€œGive me two shots of Jack Daniels,โ€ he says to the bartender. โ€œOne for me, and one for you.โ€

โ€œYou know, I donโ€™t drink on the job,โ€ the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.

Downing the drink, the man replies, โ€œAnd thatโ€™s why I like you better than my barber!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An astronaut and an alien walk into a bar...

S p a c e b a r.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A bearded man walks into a bar, โ€œEverybodyโ€™s drinks are on me tonight!โ€

He then drank his beer, went to the restroom and shaved his beard.

later he went to the bartender and asked, โ€œHow much should I pay?โ€

โ€œNo, sir, a bearded gentleman has paid for your drink tonight.โ€

โ€œOk,โ€ and he left.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An anteater walks into a bar.

โ€œHaving a nice day?โ€ asks the barman.

โ€œNoooooooo, noooooo, noooooo!โ€ says the anteater.

โ€œWhy the long nos?โ€ asks the barman.

โ€œItโ€™s always been like this,โ€ says the anteater.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


So a mushroom walks into a bar.

The bartender says, โ€œWe donโ€™t serve mushrooms here. Youโ€™re always ruining jokes.โ€

The mushroom says, โ€œCome on. Iโ€™m a fun-gi.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys drinks for everyone all night long?

Fun-gi to be around!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Last night, I changed a light bulb, crossed a road, walked into a bar and chatted with an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.

Thatโ€™s when I realized my entire life is a joke...

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, โ€œHey.โ€

The horse said, โ€œNah, just beer, please. I just ate.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asked him, โ€œWhy the long face?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Every Friday a guy would walk into a bar and order 3 beers.

Then heโ€™d sit at a table, drink each one by himself and leave.

He does this every Friday for a few weeks until the bartender becomes so curious he has to ask the guy about this routine.

โ€œWell, you see I have two buddies and we always would have a beer with each other when we were together. But now theyโ€™ve both moved to different parts of the country.

We still keep up the tradition, where weโ€™re at, and have just one beer for each of us on Friday nights.โ€

His curiosity satisfied the bartender goes back to serving his other customers.

This goes on for several months until one day the guy comes in and orders only 2 beers.

Seeing how sad the fellow is the bartender brings him his 2 beers and offers condolences for his loss.

Confused the guy asks why the bartender was offering condolences.

โ€œItโ€™s just that since you normally order 3 beers, but tonight you only ordered 2, I just figured something must have happened to one of your buddies.โ€

โ€œOh no, weโ€™re all just fine. Itโ€™s just that itโ€™s Lent and I gave up drinking till Easter.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy walks into a bar and demands to know, โ€œWhoโ€™s the strongest in here?!โ€

The toughest guy looks at him and says, โ€œI am the strongest around here!โ€

The other guy politely asks, โ€œCan you help me push my car to the gas station?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two scientists walk into a bar.

One says, โ€œIโ€™ll have an H2O please.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two dragons walk into a bar.

The first one says, โ€œIt sure is hot in here.โ€

His friend snaps back, โ€œShut your mouth!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar, and the bartender says, โ€œHey, this is a singles bar.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.

The barman says, โ€œWhoโ€™s first?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


















© 2022-2023 jokes.best