Funny Vehicle Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Vehicle Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Vehicle Jokes


Every day she takes the car out, she comes back with the same question:

โ€œGuess who I ran into?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I used to own a raven. It could speak English.

But the only word it could speak was โ€œcarโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I looked out of my living room window yesterday in horror to see a crowd gathered round a crashed motorcyclist.

So I quickly put on my coat and shoes and rushed outside.

Pushed through the crowds shouting โ€œlet me through, let me through!โ€.

I finally managed to get to the front of the crowd.

A woman turned to me and said, โ€œOh, thank goodness, are you a doctor?โ€.

I replied no, but thatโ€™s my pizza!

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What do you call a streetcar that plays pranks on people?

A troll-ey.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I ordered that new auto part for you.

Itโ€™s Honda way.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What has 10 letters and starts with G-A-S?ย 

Automobile.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One day, a blonde woman entered an auto body shop claiming that sheโ€™d suffered extensive damage to her new auto.

The mechanic thought heโ€™d have some fun with her, so he told her that she didnโ€™t need him to fixed all the dents. He said she could fix them herself by blowing into the tailpipe as hard as she could, and theyโ€™d all pop out.

The woman went home and proceeded to get down on her hands and knees in the driveway. She was blowing into the pipe as hard as she could and her face was turning purple when another blonde woman walked by and asked what she was doing.

After hearing the whole story, the second blonde pauses for a moment then responds, โ€œHello! The windows are down.โ€

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A witness to an automobile accident was testifying.

The lawyer: โ€œDid you actually see the accident?โ€

The witness: โ€œYes, sir.โ€

The lawyer: โ€œHow far away were you when the accident happened?โ€

The witness: โ€œThirty-one feet, six and one quarter inches.โ€

The lawyer (thinking heโ€™d trap the witness): โ€œWell, sir, will you tell the jury how you knew it was exactly that distance?โ€

The witness: โ€œBecause when the accident happened, I took out a tape and measured it. I knew some stupid lawyer would ask me that question.โ€

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Autos killing 110 a day, letโ€™s resolve to do better.

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Whatโ€™s the similarity between a fresh pair of shorts and a Bugatti bought by a shady businessman?

Both were laundered.

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A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk fall out of a plane.

The Buddhist monk says, โ€œIt will be okay, for we shall all be reincarnated.โ€

The priest says, โ€œIt will be okay, for we shall all meet in Heaven.โ€

The rabbi says, โ€œAm I the only one who remembered we were going skydiving today?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Deep sleep prevents aging.

Especially when you are driving.

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A cop stops a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He directs the man to blow into a breathalyzer.

Man:ย  โ€œIโ€™m afraid I canโ€™t do that, officer.โ€

Cop: โ€œWhatโ€™s the harm?โ€

Man:ย  โ€œBecause I have asthma. If I blow into that tube, I might have an asthma attack.โ€

Cop: โ€œAll right, weโ€™ll just get a urine sample at the station.โ€

Man:ย  โ€œI canโ€™t do that, officer.โ€

Cop: โ€œWhatโ€™s the harm?โ€

Man:ย  โ€œBecause I have diabetes. If I pee in a cup, I might get low blood sugar.โ€

Cop: โ€œAll right, weโ€™ll take a blood sample.โ€

Man:ย  โ€œI canโ€™t do that, officer.โ€

Cop: โ€œWhatโ€™s the harm?โ€

Man:ย  โ€œBecause I have hemophilia. I could die if I give blood.โ€

Cop: โ€œAll right, just walk this white line.โ€

Man:ย  โ€œI canโ€™t do that, officer.โ€

Cop: โ€œWhatโ€™s the harm?โ€

Man:ย  โ€œBecause Iโ€™m drunk.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is a carnivoreโ€™s favorite bumper sticker for their car?

โ€œI love animals. They taste great.โ€

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An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End.

On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.

The Americans were incredulous.

Later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an aborigine.

He had one ear pressed to the white line, whilst his left leg was held high in the air.

The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate aborigine.

โ€œJacky,โ€ said the tour guide, โ€œwhat are you tracking and what are you listening for?โ€

The aborigine replied, โ€œDown the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. Itโ€™s a red one. The left front tire is bald. The front ends out of whack, and him got bloody dents in every panel. There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat.โ€

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

โ€œGod man, how do you know all that?,โ€ asked one.

The aborigine replied, โ€œI fell out off the pucken thing about half an hour ago!โ€

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Did you hear about the pig who got sick after catching a flight?

Swine flu.

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Recently, a routine Yakama police patrol parked outside Peteโ€™s tavern. Late in the evening, the officer noticed a young tribal man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.

Finally, he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night), flicked the blinkers on, then off, honked the horn, and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little, and then remained still for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last, he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the road.

The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.

To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, โ€œIโ€™ll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station, this breathalyzer equipment must be broken.โ€

โ€œI doubt it,โ€ said the man, โ€œTonight Iโ€™m the designated decoy. Aye!!! Old tribal trick enit!!!โ€

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An elderly woman called 911 from her cell phone to report that her car had been broken into, โ€œTheyโ€™ve stolen everything! My radio is gone, my center console is gone, my mirror and the rosary beads hanging from it... even the steering wheel!โ€

The dispatcher responds that an officer is on the way.

Minutes later, the officer arrives and radios back into dispatch, โ€œDisregard that last call. She got in the back seat by mistake.โ€

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A blondeโ€™s neighborโ€™s house was on fire, so she called 911.

The blonde told the operator, โ€œMy neighborโ€™s house is on fire!โ€

The operator asked, โ€œWhere are you?โ€

The blonde answered, โ€œAt my houseโ€.

The operator replied, โ€œNo, Iโ€™m asking how do we get there?โ€

The blonde said, โ€œIn a firetruck, duh!โ€

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Me: โ€œHello, 911? I want to report a hit-and-run.โ€

Dispatcher: โ€œWhat was the make and model of the vehicle?โ€

Me: โ€œIt was a Lamborghini Silhouette.โ€

Dispatcher: โ€œHow do you spell that?โ€

Me: โ€œHuh!? Sorry, I mean it was a BMW Z4.โ€

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Iโ€™m gonna quit my job on a submarine.

Iโ€™m under a lot of pressure.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I tried to make a wooden submarine.

It didnโ€™t go down so well.

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Did you hear about the submarine industry?

It really took a dive...

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How advanced are the inner workings of a submarine?

It goes very deep.

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Why is it so expensive to run a submarine?

Itโ€™s the depth charges.

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How is the submarine doing at school?

Itโ€™s below c-level.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What color are military submarines?

Deep navy.

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What do you get if you cross a whale with an elephant?

A submarine with a built-in snorkel.

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How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?

You knock on the door.

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When he was ten years old Warren Buffett called 911 to report a car had been in an accident near his local grocery store.

It was his first experience with a market crash.

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So I was driving on the free way today when I got cut off by an ambulance.ย All of a sudden, one of the back doors swung open, and a cooler popped out and rolled out to the shoulder.

I stopped and picked it up. I opened it and found what looked to be a severed toe. I immediately called 911.

The operator said, โ€œ911, whatโ€™s your emergency?โ€

I said, โ€œYes, I was driving behind an ambulance and a cooler with a severed toe fell out! If you can please inform me what hospital itโ€™s going to, I can deliver it right now!โ€

The operator replied, โ€œIโ€™m sorry sir, but you canโ€™t transport that. You need a specially certified vehicle to do so.โ€

I asked, โ€œWhat kind of vehicle would that be?โ€

The operator said, โ€œA toe-truck!โ€

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Two skeletons rise from a grave one night and get on a motorbike.

Suddenly the one on the driver seat gets off again, runs back and rips out its gravestone.

The other asks, โ€œWhat the hell do you need THAT for?โ€

And it answers,ย โ€œAre you stupid? I canโ€™t just drive without my ID!โ€

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What is Bob Marley called on a motorbike?

Bob Harley.

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Why wonโ€™t my motorbike run?

Because itโ€™s two tired.

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What motorbikes do ghosts prefer?

A boocati.

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What do you get when you mix a motorbike with a joke?

A Yamahaha.

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A biker is riding a new motorbike on the highway.

While passing a car, he knocks on the window.

The driver of the car opens the window, โ€œYes?โ€

โ€œEver driven a Honda motorbike?โ€

โ€œNo, I havenโ€™t.โ€

The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window.

The driver of the car opens the window, โ€œYes?โ€

โ€œEver driven a Honda motorbike?โ€

โ€œNo, I havenโ€™t.โ€

Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch.

A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker.

Covered in blood, the biker asks, โ€œEver driven a Honda motorbike?โ€

โ€œYes, I have. I had a Honda for 20 years.โ€

The biker says, โ€œTell me, where are the brakes?โ€

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The bikerโ€™s idea was revolutionary.

It was a real handlebar moment.

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I had to put my motorbike in the shop.

It needed a wheelignment.

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What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?

A Holly Davidson.

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Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign which reads, โ€œYouโ€™re headed down a dark and dangerous path, turn back before itโ€™s too late!โ€

The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later, a loud crash is heard.

One of the nuns thoughtfully says, โ€œSister, shall we just write โ€˜Attention, the bridge is demolishedโ€™?โ€

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A guy runs into a bar, and yells, โ€œQuick! How tall is a penguin?โ€

The bartender says, โ€œThree feet tall.โ€

The guy says, โ€œOh my God! I just ran over a nun!โ€

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Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas.

As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them, noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help.

When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didnโ€™t have a bucket or a can.

Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from the trunk and asked the trucker if it would do. He said it would and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts into the pan.

He then handed the pan to the sisters, got back into his truck, and waved goodbye.

While the nuns were carefully pouring the precious fuel into their gas tank, a cop happened by.

He stopped and watched them for a few moments, then said, โ€œSisters, somehow I donโ€™t think thatโ€™s going to work, but I sure do admire your faith.โ€

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Did you hear about the blue plane that crashed?

They said it was a skyblunder.

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Whatโ€™s Uranusโ€™ favorite type of vehicle?

Gas-guzzler.

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Whatโ€™s a carโ€™s favorite meal?

Brake-fast.

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Why did the blueberry muffin get a ticket?

It wasย berryย speeding!

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Traffic policeman: โ€œDidnโ€™t you hear my whistle, madam?โ€

Woman driver: โ€œYes, but I donโ€™t like flirting while Iโ€™m driving.โ€

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Yo daddy is so dumb he got hit by a parked car.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo daddy is so dumb he sold his car for gas money.

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A farmer named Rick had a car accident.

In court, the trucking companyโ€™s lawyer was questioning Rick. โ€œDidnโ€™t you say, at the moment of the accident, โ€˜Iโ€™m fineโ€™,โ€ asked the lawyer?

Rick responded, โ€œWell, Iโ€™ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...โ€

โ€œI did not ask you for any details,โ€ the lawyer interrupted. โ€œJust answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, โ€˜Iโ€™m fineโ€™?โ€

Rick said, โ€œWell, I had just got Bessie into the trailer, and I was driving down the road.โ€

The lawyer interrupted again and said, โ€œJudge, Iโ€™m trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.โ€

By this time, the judge was fairly interested in Rickโ€™s answer and said to the lawyer, โ€œIโ€™d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.โ€

Rick thanked the judge and proceeded. โ€œWell, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.

I was hurting real bad and didnโ€™t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his rifle and shot her between the eyes.

Then the patrolman came across the road, rifle still in hand, looked at me and said โ€˜how are you feeling?โ€™. Now, what the heck would YOU say?โ€

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Did you know Teslas donโ€™t have that new car smell?

They have more of an Elon Musk.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Five Scotsmen in an Audi Quattro arrived at an Irish border checkpoint.

Paddyโ€”the officerโ€”stops them and tells them, โ€œIt is illegal to put 5 people in a Quattro, Quattro means four.โ€

โ€œQuattro is just the name of the automobile,โ€ the Scotsmen retort in disbelief. โ€œLook at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons.โ€

โ€œYou cannot pull that one on me,โ€ replies Paddy. โ€œQuattro means four. You have five people in your car, and you are therefore breaking the law.โ€

The Scotsmen reply angrily, โ€œYou idiot! Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!โ€

โ€œSorry,โ€ responds Paddy, โ€œMurphy is busy with 2 guys in a Fiat Uno.โ€

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An elderly rabbi was once on an airplane to Israel sitting next to a self-professed atheist. They were amicably chatting the whole trip.

Now and then, the rabbiโ€™s grandchild, sitting in another row, would come over to him, bringing him a drink, or asking if he could get anything to make him more comfortable.

After this happened several times, the atheist sighed, โ€œI wish my grandchildren would treat me with such respect. They hardly even say hello to me. Whatโ€™s your secret?โ€

The rabbi replied, โ€œThink about it. To my grandchildren, I am two generations closer to Adam and Eve, the two individuals made by the hand of God. So they look up to me.

But according to the philosophy which you teach your grandchildren, you are two generations closer to being an ape. So why should they look up to you?โ€

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An actor suffering from dementia just hit my car. I got him arrested.

As he was getting arrested, he kept saying, โ€œDo you know who I am?!โ€

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Why do driving instructors make good physical therapists?

Because they can teach fine motor skills.

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Yes, money canโ€™t buy happiness, but it is much more comfortable to cry in a new BMW than on a bike.

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A cargo airplane is transporting patients from a mental hospital.

The patients are going all crazy in the cargo, playing a soccer with an invisible ball.

The pilot has had enough of it, tells the copilot to guide the plane, and goes in the back to make them stop the noise.

They stop, the pilot returns to the cabin, but after 5 minutes, it starts all over again.

The pilot asks the copilot to give it a shot at calming the patients down.

The copilot goes in the back, the noise stops, and he returns to the cabin.

Half an hour later, the plane is quiet.

The pilot is impressed and asks the copilot how he did it.

The copilot replies, โ€œI told them: Soccer is not allowed indoors. You have to take it outside.โ€

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I was stuck in traffic outside Washington, DC this morning. No-one was moving at all.

Then this guy knocked on my window.

I rolled it down and said, โ€œWhatโ€™s happening?โ€

He said, โ€œTerrorists have taken the entire US Congress hostage, and they say they will douse them in gasoline and set them on fire if theyโ€™re not paid a $100 million dollar ransom. Weโ€™re going from car to car collecting donations.โ€

โ€œHow much is everyone giving?โ€ I asked.

He said, โ€œAbout a gallon.โ€

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Those soldiers thought they could blow up that submarine with their bomb...

But they needed to sea mine.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An English prisoner of war was held by the Germans.

The Englishman was shot all over the place, and okay until one day when the German told him, โ€œEnglander, your arm is infected with gangrene, we must cut it off.โ€

The English prisoner said, โ€œWell, okay, but could you drop it over England when you go bombing.โ€

The German replied, โ€œYeah, that will not be a problem.โ€

A few weeks later, the German tells the Englishman that they have to cut his other arm off.

The Englishman says, โ€œWell, could drop it over England like you did last time.โ€

โ€œYeah, that will be done,โ€ says the German.

The next day, the German tells him that they have to cut his leg off.

Once again, the Brit says, โ€œWell, could you do the same as before?โ€

The German replies, โ€œYeah.โ€

The next day, the German tells him they have to cut his other leg.

โ€œWell,โ€ begins the Brit, โ€œcould you just...โ€

The German snapped, โ€œNo! We think you are trying to escape!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A statistician told a friend that he never took airplanes, โ€œI have computed the probability that there will be a bomb on the plane,โ€ he explained, โ€œand although this probability is low, it is still too high for my comfort.โ€

Two weeks later, the friend met the statistician on a plane.

โ€œHow come you changed your theory?โ€ he asked.

โ€œOh, I didnโ€™t change my theory, itโ€™s just that I subsequently computed the probability that there would simultaneously be two bombs on a plane. This probability is low enough for my comfort. So now I simply carry my own bomb.โ€

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A guy got pulled over by a cop for speeding.

The cop said, โ€œDo you know how fast you were going, Sir?โ€

The guy replied, โ€œI was just trying to keep up with the traffic.โ€

The cop said, โ€œThere is no traffic, Sir.โ€

The guy answered, โ€œThatโ€™s how far behind I am?!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I got pulled over by a traffic cop.

He walked up to my window and said, โ€œPapers.โ€

I said, โ€œScissors, I winโ€ฆโ€ and I drove off.

He must be desperate for a re-match because heโ€™s been chasing me for ages.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A male driver is pulled over by a cop.

Man: โ€œWhatโ€™s the problem, officer?โ€

Cop: โ€œYou were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.โ€

Man: โ€œNo sir, I was going 65.โ€

Wife: โ€œOh, Harry, you were going 80.โ€

Cop: โ€œIโ€™m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.โ€

Man: โ€œBroken tail light? I didnโ€™t know about a broken tail light!โ€

Wife: โ€œOh, Harry, youโ€™ve known about that tail light for weeks.โ€

Cop: โ€œIโ€™m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.โ€

Man: โ€œOh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.โ€

Wife: โ€œOh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt.โ€

Man: โ€œShut your mouth, woman!โ€

Cop: โ€œMaโ€™am, does your husband always talk to you this way?โ€

Wife: โ€œNo, only when heโ€™s drunk.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The couples therapist said, โ€œSo, tell me what brings you here today?โ€

My wife said, โ€œItโ€™s really difficult to live with him. Heโ€™s so literal.โ€

I said, โ€œMy truck.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer.

A little boy playing in front of his house saw him and called, โ€œWhatโ€™ve you got in your truck?โ€

โ€œFertilizer,โ€ the farmer replied.

โ€œWhat are you going to do with it?โ€ asked the little boy.

โ€œPut it on strawberries,โ€ answered the farmer.

โ€œYou ought to live here,โ€ the little boy advised him. โ€œWe put sugar and cream on ours!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why canโ€™t astronauts eat popsicles?

In space, no one can hear the ice cream truck.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Ole and Lena are out at the lake, getting ready to put the boat in the water. Lena driving and Ole standing in the pickup bed.

The brakes fail as Lenaโ€™s backing the boat into the lake, and the truck submerges.

Lena swims out the open window, but Ole doesnโ€™t come up for the longest time.

Finally, up pops Ole. Lena asks him, โ€œWhat took you so long?โ€

Ole replies, โ€œOh, you know, that tailgate is hard to open!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do truckers celebrate in December?

The haul-idays.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An F-15 pilot was assigned to escort an aged B-52 Bomber

Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge.

He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot, โ€œHa! Anything you can do, I can do better!โ€

The bomber pilot replies, โ€œOh, yeah? Letโ€™s see you do this!โ€ and keeps flying straight and level.

The fighter jock asks, โ€œUm... What did you do?โ€

The B-52 pilot says, โ€œI just shut down two engines.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My brother has a pilotโ€™s license but only uses it for private flights. So he placed advertisements all over the plane.

Now he flies commercial.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An aircraft was traveling from LA to New York.

About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced, โ€œWe have lost one engine, but donโ€™t worry, there are still three left. However, we will need seven hours to get to New York instead of five.โ€

A little later, the pilot announced, โ€œAnother engine failed, but we still have two left. However, it will take 10 hours to get to New York.โ€

Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced, โ€œA third engine was broken. Never fear because the planeโ€™s still able to fly on one engine. However, itโ€™ll take another 18 hours to get from here to New York.โ€

At this point, one passenger said, โ€œGee, I hope we donโ€™t lose that last engine, or weโ€™ll be up here forever!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One day at Area 51 a radar tech spots a single-engine plane on final approach to the secret Air Force base.

The plane touches down and is immediately surrounded by armed guards.

The plane is impounded and the pilot is whisked off for questioning. The pilot claims that he had been flying from Las Vegas, gotten lost, and nearly ran out of fuel, so he put his plane down at the first runway he saw.

After extensive background checks, it is proven that the pilot isnโ€™t a spy and he is set to be released the following morning.

Before he is allowed to leave, he is given the โ€œYou didnโ€™t see anythingโ€ talk, and is told that under absolutely no circumstances is he allowed to tell anyone where he was, or what he saw.

The Air Force fuels up the manโ€™s plane, gives him a proper heading to get back to Las Vegas, and sends him on his way.

The next day, the manโ€™s plane is again spotted getting ready to land at Area 51. This time there are two people on the plane.

When the plane touches down, it is immediately surrounded by guards again.

As soon as it comes to a stop, the man hops out and yells, โ€œDo whatever you want to me, but SOMEBODY has to tell my wife where I was last night!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My brother just broke the record by downing 22 jets.

Heโ€™ll forever be remembered as the worst mechanic in the Air Force.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Which country has the worst air force?

Turkey. None of them can fly.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What is the propeller used for on an airplane?

Many people do not know this, but is actually for air conditioning.

If you ever get to see it when the propeller stops, the pilot suddenly starts sweating.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Have you heard about the new game getting released?

Itโ€™s AI is 20 years ahead of itโ€™s time, the graphics are truly real life, it has an open world concept where anything you want to do is truly possible.

Itโ€™s called โ€œGo outside and ride your bike!โ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


On Teachersโ€™ Day, why did the student gift his Maths teacher a flight ticket to New York City?

To visit his favorite spot, Times Square.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Iโ€™m like the American Airlines of dating.

We understand you had other options of relationships and weโ€™re sorry you chose me.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man is sitting in the bar at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.

He presumes, because sheโ€™s got a uniform on, sheโ€™s probably an off duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airline motto, โ€œWe love to fly and it shows.โ€

The woman looks at him blankly.

He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto, โ€œWinning the hearts of the world.โ€

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto, โ€œGoing beyond expectations.โ€

The woman looks at him wearily and says, โ€œWhat the heck do you WANT, moron?โ€

โ€œAh!โ€ he says, sitting back with a smile on his face, โ€œAmerican Airlines!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The world record for a drum solo is 10 hours and 17 minutes.

Itโ€™s held by the kid who sat behind me on American Airlines flight 86 from DFW to Paris.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I think the girl at the American Airlines check-in just threatened me.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, โ€œWindow or aisl?โ€

I laughed right in her face and replied, โ€œWindow or youโ€™ll what?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy from Florida was suing American Airlines because an expensive piece of luggage wasnโ€™t at baggage claim when he landed in New York.

He lost his case.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two U.S. Marines boarded a flight headed for Raleigh, North Carolina. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Army Ranger headed for Fort Bragg sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Ranger kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, โ€œI need to get up and get a Coke.โ€

โ€œDonโ€™t get up,โ€ said the Army Ranger, โ€œIโ€™m in the aisle seat, Iโ€™ll get it for you.โ€

As soon as he left, one of the Marines picked up the Rangerโ€™s shoe and spat in it.

When the Ranger returned with the Coke, the other Marine said, โ€œThat looks good, Iโ€™d really like one, too.โ€

Again, the Army Ranger obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Marine picked up the Rangerโ€™s other shoe and spat in it.

When the Ranger returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Army Ranger slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

โ€œWhy does it have to be this way?โ€ he asked. โ€œHow long must this go on? This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in Cokes?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An Army Staff Sergeant from the 82nd Airborne is driving to Ft Bragg on NC State Highway 24, and a US Marine Lance-Corporal is driving to Camp LeJeune on the same highway, headed the opposite direction.

In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on, airbags deploy and both cars go flying off in different directions.

The Army Sergeant manages to climb out of his car and surveys the damage.

He looks at his twisted car and says, โ€œMan, I am really lucky to be alive!โ€

Likewise the Marine Lance-Corporal scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage.

He too says to himself, โ€œI canโ€™t believe I survived this wreck!โ€

The Marine walks over to the Army Sergeant and says, โ€œHey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of arch rivals.โ€

The Army Airborne Paratrooper thinks for a moment and says, โ€œYou know, youโ€™re absolutely right! We should be friends. Now Iโ€™m gonna see what else survived this wreck.โ€

So the Army Sergeant pops open his trunk and finds a full, unopened bottle of Jack Daniels in a duffel bag, completely intact.

He says to the Marine, โ€œI think this is another sign from God that we should toast to our new found understanding and friendship.โ€

The Marine replies, โ€œYouโ€™re damn right!โ€ and he grabs the bottle, twists off the cap and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly half the bottle the Marine hands it back to the Army Sergeant and says, โ€œYour turn!โ€

The Army Sergeant twists the cap back on the bottle, hands the bottle to the Marine and says, โ€œNahh, I think Iโ€™ll wait for the cops to show up.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two hunters hired a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.They bagged six.

As they started loading the plane for the return trip home, the pilot tells them the plane can take only three moose.

The two hunters objected strongly, stating, โ€œLast year we shot six moose and the pilot let us put them all on board and he had the same plane as yours.โ€

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded.

Unfortunately, even on full power, the little plane couldnโ€™t handle the load and went down a few minutes after take off.

Climbing out of the wreck, one hunter asked the other, โ€œAny idea where we are?โ€

He replied, โ€œI think weโ€™re pretty close to where we crashed last year.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A Karen boards the plane for her trip to Paris. She decides to take a seat in first class even though her ticket is in economy.

The first flight attendant politely asks her to transfer to her seat in coach.

The Karen smugly replies, โ€œI am travelling to Paris, and I will sit wherever I please.โ€

The second flight attendant approaches her sternly and demands that she move to coach to take her proper seat.

The Karen responds by shouting loudly, โ€œI am going to Paris, and I will sit wherever I damn well please!โ€

The most senior flight attendant then approaches the Karen, bends down and whispers something in her ear.

The Karen immediately jumps up and shouts, โ€œWell, why didnโ€™t you say so sooner?!โ€ and storms off to her seat in coach.

Surprised, the first flight attendant asked what he whispered, to which the senior flight attendant replies, โ€œWeโ€™ve just checked, and someone is sitting in your economy seat.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Juan comes up to the Mexican border on his bicycle. Heโ€™s got two large bags over his shoulders.

The guard stops him and says, โ€œWhatโ€™s in the bags?โ€

โ€œSand,โ€ answered Juan.

The guard says, โ€œWeโ€™ll just see about that, get off the bike!โ€

The guard takes the bags and rips them apart, he empties them out and finds nothing in them but sand.

He detains Juan overnight and has the sand analyzed, only to discover that there is nothing but pure sand in the bags.

The guard releases Juan, puts the sand into new bags, hefts them onto the manโ€™s shoulders, and lets him cross the border.

The next day, the same thing happens.

The guard asks, โ€œWhat have you got?โ€

โ€œSand,โ€ says Juan.

The guard does his thorough examination and discovers that the bags contain nothing but sand. He gives the sand back to Juan, and Juan crosses the border on his bicycle.

This sequence of events is repeated every day for a year.

Finally, Juan doesnโ€™t show up one day and the guard later meets him in a Cantina in Mexico.

โ€œHey, Buddy,โ€ says the guard, โ€œI know you are smuggling something. Itโ€™s driving me crazy. Itโ€™s all I think about. I canโ€™t sleep. Just between you and me, what are you smuggling?โ€

Juan sips his beer and says, โ€œBicycles.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


In 1945 Chuck Norris drank a Red Bull and jumped out a plane.

For image results, Google the word Hiroshima.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Mickey was walking home one day and saw Goofy also walking home, except Goofy was carrying his bicycle.

Mickey asked, โ€œGoofy, why are you carrying your bicycle?โ€

Goofy replied, โ€œBecause it is too tired to walk.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two engineering students were crossing campus when one asked the other, โ€œWhere did you get such a great bike?โ€

The second engineer replied, โ€œWell, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, โ€œTake what you want.โ€

The second engineer nodded approvingly, โ€œGood choice, the clothes probably wouldnโ€™t have fit you.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of drummers.

They called ground control with a list of demands. Then they told the negotiator if their demands arenโ€™t met they will release one drummer an hour.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Who do you sell second hand bikes to?

A re-cyclist.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Some cyclists are like clowns:

They dress funny.

They donโ€™t follow any rules.

If anything bad happens to them, everyone laughs at them.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do a cyclist and a politician have in common?

Both demand you respect them, but donโ€™t want to follow the same rules as you.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Iโ€™m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment.

I tried it once and I killed a cyclist.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why was the cyclists right arm shorter than his left?

Because once he left his right turn signal on.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Me and my friend were riding on my motorcycle on a particularly windy day when we saw a cyclist in front of us, pedaling in the middle of the road, with a car honking furiously behind him.

So we drove over and asked the guy, โ€œWhy donโ€™t you move to the side and let the car overtake you?โ€

The guy replied, โ€œI am trying!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark.

So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was saddened to learn that my cousin was run over by a boat in Venice today.

I sent his family my gondolances.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I bought a boat, and named it โ€œThe Unpaid Internโ€.

So now I tell people I have an unpaid intern-ship.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do scuba divers always fall backwards out of boats?

Because if they fell forwards, theyโ€™d still be in the boat.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What happened when the red boat crashed into the blue boat?

The crews were marooned.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the side of their boats?

So when they come back to port they can...

Scandinavian.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


There are three guys on a boat, and they have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. What do they do?

They throw one cigarette overboard, and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, โ€œMy dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.โ€

โ€œVery good,โ€ said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, โ€œWe are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before theyโ€™re hatched.โ€

โ€œVery good,โ€ said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was Barneyโ€™s turn to tell his story, โ€œMy dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.โ€

โ€œGo on,โ€ said the teacher, intrigued.

โ€œAunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.โ€

โ€œGood heavens,โ€ said the horrified teacher, โ€œWhat did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?โ€

โ€œStay away from Aunt Karen when sheโ€™s been drinking.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call it when Shrek falls off a boat?

Ogreboard.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the coast for some sightseeing. He was cruising along the beach in the Pope-mobile when there was a frantic commotion just off the shore.

A helpless man, wearing a Montreal Canadiens jersey, was struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark.

As the Pope watched, horrified, a speedboat came racing up with three men wearing New York Rangersโ€™ jerseys aboard.ย 

One quickly fired a harpoon into the sharkโ€™s side, while the other two reached out and pulled the bleeding, semiconscious Canadiens fan out of the water. Then, using baseball bats, the three heroes in blue beat the shark to death and hauled it into the boat as well.

Immediately, the Pope shouted and summoned them to the beach.

โ€œI give you my blessing for your brave actions,โ€ he told them. โ€œI heard that there was some bitter hatred between Rangers and Canadiens fans, but now I have seen with my own eyes that this is not the truth.โ€

As the Pope drove off, the harpooner asked his buddies, โ€œWho was that?โ€

โ€œIt was the Pope,โ€ one replied. โ€œHe is in direct contact with God and has access to all of Godโ€™s wisdom.โ€

โ€œWell,โ€ the harpooner said, โ€œhe may have access to Godโ€™s wisdom, but he knows nothing about shark fishing... Howโ€™s the bait holding up?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife was talking about funeral plans.

My Wife: โ€œI said weโ€™ll give you a military send off like the sailors on a ship.โ€

Me: โ€œI was in the Air Force.โ€

My Wife: โ€œOK, weโ€™ll toss you out of an airplane.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Where is the flu most common?

In cities with high levels of congestion.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I caught bird flu while waiting for a flight at the airport.

I have since found out it is a terminal illness.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A farmer has transported his watermelons to a roadside stand to sell.

At the end of the day there are a couple hundred left, and he isnโ€™t looking forward to the tedious process of loading them back on the truck, taking them back to the farm, then reversing the process the next morning.

He comes up with a labor-saving solution: Next to the bin where his melons are carefully arranged, he places a large sign saying โ€œONE OF THESE IS POISONEDโ€.

Reassured, he goes home to sleep.

In the morning, he comes back to find that someone has written on his sign โ€œNow there are twoโ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What kind of car did the famous sushi chef drive?

A rolls rice.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a row of trucks hauling nachos?

A cheesy pickup line.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy sees his mother-in-law riding a bicycle.

โ€œWhere are you going?โ€ he asks.

โ€œTo the cemetery,โ€ she replies.

Guy: โ€œAnd who is going to return the bike?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your head is so big, the airlines charge you an extra $25 to bring it aboard.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A sixteen-year-old boy came home with a brand-new Ford F150.

His parents look at the truck and ask, โ€œWhere did you get that truck?!โ€

โ€œI bought it today,โ€ he says.

โ€œWith what money?โ€ says his mother. They knew what a new F150 cost.

โ€œWell,โ€ he says, โ€œthis one cost me just fifteen dollars.โ€

The father looks at him like heโ€™s crazy. โ€œWho would sell a truck like that for fifteen dollars?โ€ he says.

โ€œIt was the lady up the street,โ€ says the boy. โ€œI donโ€™t know her nameโ€”they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy her F150 for fifteen dollars.โ€

โ€œOh my Goodness!โ€ says the mother. โ€œMaybe sheโ€™s mentally ill or has Alzheimerโ€™s something. John, you better go see whatโ€™s going on.โ€

So the boyโ€™s father walks up the street to the house where the lady lives and finds her out in the yard calmly planting flowers.

He introduces himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a new Ford F150 truck for fifteen dollars and asks to know why she did it.

โ€œWell,โ€ she says, โ€œtwo days ago my husband left on a business trip. Yesterday, I got a phone call from his boss and found out that he really ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesnโ€™t intend to come back.โ€

โ€œOh, my goodness, Iโ€™m so sorry,โ€ the father says. โ€œBut what does that have to do with my son and your truck?โ€

โ€œWell, this morning he called and told me he was stranded because he got robbed of his wallet with all his credit cards and cash. He told me to sell his new F150 and send him the money. So I did.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two elderly farmers were reminiscing about the good old days.

โ€œWhen I had my ranch, I could get up in the morning, get in my old Chevy truck, and drive all day, and still be on my property,โ€ says the Texas farmer.

The old farmer from Kentucky said, โ€œYeah, I had a truck like that once too... You should have got a Ford, hell. Theyโ€™ll get ya all the way ta town and back!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Dave and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Melbourne, Australia. One day the airport was fogged in, and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.

Dave said, โ€œMan, I wish we had something to drink!โ€

Jim says, โ€œMe too. You know, Iโ€™ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You want to try it?โ€

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed.

The next morning, Dave wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact, he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!

Then the phone rings. Itโ€™s Jim.

Jim: โ€œHey, how do you feel this morning?โ€

Dave: โ€œI feel great, how about you?โ€

Jim: โ€œI feel great, too. You donโ€™t have a hangover?โ€

Dave: โ€œNo, that jet fuel is great stuff no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often.โ€

Jim: โ€œYeah, well thereโ€™s just one thing.โ€

Dave: โ€œWhatโ€™s that?โ€

Jim: โ€œHave you farted yet?โ€

Dave: โ€œNo.โ€

Jim: โ€œWell, DONโ€™Tโ€”because Iโ€™m in New Zealand.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œHi, my name is Bob, and Iโ€™m an alcoholic.โ€

โ€œSir, this is Triple A, not Alcoholics Anonymous.โ€

โ€œI know, Iโ€™m just trying to explain why my car is in a lake.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man worked for a road crew. One day he woke up ill with a touch of laryngitis but being a dedicated employee he went to work.

The boss felt sorry for him and didnโ€™t want him to do any physical labor although they were repairing a part of the freeway.

He said to the worker, โ€œWhy donโ€™t you go down the road and tell people to slow down going through the construction?โ€

The worker is glad for the easy day and does as instructed. He stops the first vehicle that comes along.

โ€œSir,โ€ he whispers, his throat feeling worse, โ€œPlease slow down, thereโ€™s a road crew up ahead.โ€

โ€œOkay,โ€ the driver whispers back, โ€œIโ€™ll try not to wake them.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A boss was waiting in his office one day when he noticed that all of his workers were missing.

He waits a few more minutes before the first worker comes in.

โ€œWhy were you late?โ€ asked the boss.

Sounding exhausted, the worker says, โ€œSorry boss, but my car broke down on the way to work so I tried the bus, but the bus broke down so I hailed a cab, but the cab broke down, but fortunately I was near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and I had to jog the rest of the way.โ€

The boss thinks nothing of it and sends the worker off.

The next 2 workers come in to check in and the boss asks them the same question, โ€œWhy were you late?โ€

The workers give the boss the exact same reason, โ€œSorry boss, but my car broke down on the way to work so I tried the bus, but the bus broke down so I hailed a cab, but the cab broke down, but fortunately I was near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and I had to jog the rest of the way.โ€

The boss thinks that he must be losing his mind, but sends the workers off anyways.

Finally, the last worker comes in and the boss says, โ€œLet me guess, your car broke down on the way to work so you tried the bus, but the bus broke down so you hailed a cab, but the cab broke down, but fortunately, you were near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and you had to jog the rest of the way?โ€

The worker said, โ€œNo boss, you got it all wrong, you see, there were so many broken down cars, buses, cabs, dead horses and crazed joggers in the streets, it was impossible to get through.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


There were these two blonds and they locked their keys in their car.

The one blonde says to the other, โ€œWhat do we do? Do we get a coat hanger and pick the lock?โ€

The other one replied, โ€œNo, people will think weโ€™re trying to break in.โ€

The other one said, โ€œWell, do we get a knife and cut the rubber and pop the lock?โ€

The other one answered, โ€œNo, people will think weโ€™re too stupid to use the coat hanger.โ€

The other one said, โ€œWell, we better think of something quick because itโ€™s starting to rain and the sunroof is open.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


We got our seasonal bulk in at work today and got Pumpkin Spice Motor Oil.

Itโ€™s for autumnmobiles.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman hurried to a pharmacy to pick up the medication.

When she got back to the car, she found her keys locked inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground.

She looked at it and said, โ€œI donโ€™t know how to use this.โ€

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.

Within five minutes an old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said, โ€œYes, my husband is sick. I forgot my keys in the car. Can you use this hanger to unlock my car?โ€

He said, โ€œSure.โ€

He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.

She hugged the man and through tears said, โ€œThank you, God, for sending me such a very nice man.โ€

The man heard her little prayer and replied, โ€œLady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft.โ€

The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, โ€œOh, thank you, God! You even sent me a professional!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of feminine product, and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, โ€œSon, how old are you?โ€

โ€œEight,โ€ the boy replied.

The man continued, โ€œDo you know what these are used for?โ€

The boy replied, โ€œNot exactly, but they arenโ€™t for me. Theyโ€™re for him. Heโ€™s my brother. Heโ€™s four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he canโ€™t do either.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I took a road trip with my German buddy and when I accidentally dropped my hot dog out the window he swung the car around to go back and get it. . .

Thatโ€™s when the whole trip really took a turn for the wurst.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Spider-Man borrowed his momโ€™s car to take it out for a spin.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why was Spider-Man such a bad driver?

Because he was always spinning out.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why could Spider-man not drive a car decently even once?

Because he always confused drifting with spinning and end of in accidents.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call Spider-Man when he parks his car?

Peter PARKER.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, โ€œI ask you a question, and if you donโ€™t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.โ€

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, โ€œOkay, if you donโ€™t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I donโ€™t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.โ€

This catches the blondeโ€™s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. โ€œWhatโ€™s the distance from the earth to the moon?โ€

The blonde doesnโ€™t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

โ€œOkay,โ€ says the lawyer, โ€œyour turn.โ€

She asks the lawyer, โ€œWhat goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?โ€

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, โ€œThank you,โ€ and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, โ€œWell, whatโ€™s the answer?โ€

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A shepherd was tending his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a dust cloud approached at high speed, out of which emerged a shiny silver BMW.

The driverโ€”a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes, Cartier sunglasses, and a tightly knotted power tieโ€”poked his head out the window and asked the shepherd, โ€œHey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?โ€

The shepherd looked at the man, then glanced at his peacefully grazing flock and answered, โ€œSure.โ€

The driver parked his car, plugged his phone into a laptop and briskly surfed to a GPS satellite navigation system on the Internet and initiated a remote body-heat scan of the area.

While the computer was occupied, he sent some e-mails via his phone and, after a few minutes, nodded solemnly at the responses.

Finally, he printed a 150-page report on the little laser printer in his glove compartment, turned to the shepherd, waving the sheaves of paper, and pronounced, โ€œYou have exactly 1,586 sheep.โ€

โ€œImpressive. One of my sheep is yours,โ€ said the shepherd.

He watched the young man make his pick and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd said, โ€œIf I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?โ€

Pleased to meet a fellow sportsman, the young man replied, โ€œYouโ€™re on.โ€

โ€œYou are an auditor,โ€ said the shepherd without hesitation.

โ€œThatโ€™s correct,โ€ said the young man, impressed. โ€œHowever did you guess?โ€

โ€œIt wasnโ€™t a guess,โ€ replied the shepherd. โ€œYou show up completely uninvited. You ask me to pay you for information I already know, answer questions I havenโ€™t asked, and you know nothing about my business. Now, please give me my DOG back!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s so hot out, I walked through a car wash to remember what rain felt like.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s so hot you discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A blonde works in a petrol station filling up cars.

One day, a spaceship with โ€œUFOโ€ written on the side lands next to the blonde. The blonde cheerfully fills it with fuel and the spaceship flies off.

The blondeโ€™s boss, shocked, comes out to ask why she filled it up.

โ€œDo you know what โ€œUFOโ€ stands for?โ€ He asks.

โ€œOf course.โ€ She replies, โ€œUnleaded Fuel Only.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Youโ€™re so short that you need to put on stilts to drive a car to reach the pedal.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so short when she got in the car she couldnโ€™t reach the steering wheel.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you get when you cross a red racing car, nuts, and chocolate?

A Ferrari Rocher!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors.

They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach andโ€”both of them having certain โ€œneedsโ€โ€”eventually start hooking up.

This keeps going as months turn into years and they fall in love.

One day she notices he looks depressed.

Scarlett says to him, โ€œListen, that plane crash was the best thing that ever happened to me because it means that the two of us are together. If there is anything at all I can do to cheer you up, please let me know.โ€

He tells her, โ€œActually, there is something. Put on a set of my clothes and tuck your hair up under one of my hats. Rub mud on your face so it looks like a beard and start walking down the beach.โ€

Scarlett thinks this is weird but, wanting to make him happy, goes along with it.

Once she gets about 200 yards down she turns around and sees her boyfriend running up to her shouting, โ€œBRO! BRO! Youโ€™ll never believe who Iโ€™m sleeping with!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I got a wooden bike with wooden handles and wheels. Guess what?

It woo-den start.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Guess what method of transportation self-driving cars use on their day off?

A human driver.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Guess what happens to a frogโ€™s car when it breaks down?

It gets toad away.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Which kind of donuts can fly?

The plane ones.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I have been working from home since March of last year.

I am an Uber driver.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Started working from home recently building boats in my attic...

Sails are through the roof.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so poor she chases after the garbage truck with a shopping list.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so stupid when she saw the McDonaldโ€™s drive-through sign she drove through the building.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so stupid she put her phone in airplane mode and thought she could fly.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo mama so fat when she wears her yellow raincoat people yell out โ€œtaxi!โ€.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Elonโ€™s opening speech for the Tesla Solar Roof really got my attention...

Who knew there were thousands of hot shingles in my area?!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


CEO of Tesla invented solar-energy gathering grass!

I love the stuff. My only complaint is that it had a real e-lawn musk smell to it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did one boat say to the other boat?

Are you interested in a little row-mance?

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I wish I had as much hope as the guy driving the ice cream truck around in February.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the ice cream truck break down?

Because of the rocky road.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A family was driving in their car through an Arizona desert.

When they ran into a family of skunks.

They stop the car and get out so that they could check on the family of skunks to make sure they were alright.

They found all of the skunks to be ok except for one little baby skunk.

The wife then asked the husband if they could take the baby skunk to the vet to get it the medical attention that it needed.

They come up at the California border checkpoint and the wife starts freaking out, โ€œThereโ€™s no way they let us take this skunk across the border, what are we gonna do?โ€

The husband thinks for a second and says, โ€œHey I got it! Take the baby skunk and put it under your dress.โ€

The wife replies, โ€œWell what about the smell?โ€

The husband says, โ€œItโ€™ll be alright, just hold its nose.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What kind of vehicle does a mushroom drive?

A spores car!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two falcons are watching an air show where fighter pilots are racing their jets against one another.

One falcon turns to the other and says, โ€œMan, I thought we were fast, but those guys are insane.โ€

The second falcon turns back and says, โ€œYouโ€™d also fly that fast if your ass was on fire.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I canโ€™t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 oโ€™clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What happened to the guy who accidentally made his morning coffee with some Red Bull instead of water?

He got halfway to his work before realizing he had forgotten his car.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My friend: โ€œMy girlfriend said she wanted to eat tacos, so we flew to Mexico.โ€

Me: โ€œHey babe, what do you wanna eat?โ€

Her: โ€œNothing.โ€

Me: Flies to Africa.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.

After looking the man over he says, โ€œSir, I couldnโ€™t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?โ€

The man gets really annoyed and says, โ€œOfficer, I couldnโ€™t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.

He asked his fatherโ€”who was a ministerโ€”if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, โ€œIโ€™ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.โ€

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, โ€œSon, Iโ€™m really proud of you. You have brought your grades up, youโ€™ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didnโ€™t get hair cut!โ€

The young man waited a moment and replied, โ€œYou know Dad, Iโ€™ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.โ€

His father replied, โ€œYes, son, and they walked everywhere they went!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember:

right now there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The new Ford F-150 comes with a heated tailgate.

That way you can keep your hands warm when youโ€™re pushing it home in the winter!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.

Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and that it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattleโ€™s was cold.

The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.

He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.

His message, therefore, arrived at the home of an elderly preacherโ€™s wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.

When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.

Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,

Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.

PS. Things are not as we thought. Youโ€™re going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


There was a statistics teacher who would always accelerate hard when driving through intersections and then slow down after passing through.

One day he drove a colleague to work who was noticeably uncomfortable with his driving.

The colleague asked, โ€œWhy do you always drive so fast through intersections?โ€

To which the statistics teacher responded, โ€œWell, statistically speaking, youโ€™re more likely to have an accident in an intersection, so I make sure to get through them as fast as possible!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road.

They thoughtfully made a sign saying โ€œThe End is Near! Turn yourself around now before itโ€™s too late!โ€ and showed it to each passing car.

One driver who drove by didnโ€™t appreciate the sign and shouted at them, โ€œLeave us alone, you religious nuts!โ€

All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, โ€œYou think maybe we should have just said โ€œBridge Outโ€ instead?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?

Crashed potatoes!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I keep trying to watch racing on my computer but every time I press the F1 key it just opens a help window.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman called an airline customer-service desk asking if it was possible to fly with her dog on board.

โ€œSure,โ€ the airline agent said, โ€œas long as you provide your own kennel.โ€

She continued to explain that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer was perplexed.

โ€œIโ€™ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like the rest of the folks in his car.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo Mama's appetite is so huge she uses a truck to carry her popcorn to the movies.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid.

I picked a guyโ€™s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A blonde, brunette and redhead are in a desert.

The brunette says, โ€œI brought some water so we donโ€™t get dehydrated.โ€

The redhead says, โ€œI brought some suntan lotion so we donโ€™t get sunburned.โ€

Then the blonde says, โ€œI brought a car door.โ€

The other girls ask, โ€œWhy did you bring that?โ€

The blonde says, โ€œSo I can roll down the window if it gets hot.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy walks into a bar and demands to know, โ€œWhoโ€™s the strongest in here?!โ€

The toughest guy looks at him and says, โ€œI am the strongest around here!โ€

The other guy politely asks, โ€œCan you help me push my car to the gas station?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, โ€œYou know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?โ€

The driver is understandably hesitant and says, โ€œIโ€™m sorry, but I donโ€™t think Iโ€™m supposed to do that.โ€

But the Pope persists, โ€œPlease?โ€

The driver finally lets up, โ€œOh, alright, I canโ€™t really say no to the Pope.โ€

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone.

A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down.

Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: โ€œChief, I have a problem.โ€

Chief: โ€œWhat sort of problem?โ€

Cop: โ€œWell, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but itโ€™s someone really important.โ€

Chief: โ€œImportant like the mayor?โ€

Cop: โ€œNo, no, much more important than that.โ€

Chief: โ€œImportant like the governor?โ€

Cop: โ€œWay more important than that.โ€

Chief: โ€œLike the president?โ€

Cop: โ€œMuch more important.โ€

Chief: โ€œWhoโ€™s more important than the president?โ€

Cop: โ€œI donโ€™t know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!โ€

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What do you call a Ford Fiesta that ran out of gas?

A Ford Siesta.

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I stopped to pick up a hitchhiker.

Turns out he was just telling me he approved of my driving.

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Johnny tried to buy a toy car with monopoly money at the store.

The cashier said, โ€œThereโ€™s no way I can take this. Itโ€™s fake.โ€

Johnny said, โ€œWell, the carโ€™s not real either.โ€

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A guy is late for an important meeting. But he canโ€™t find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray:

โ€œPlease Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!โ€

A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.

โ€œNever mind. Found one!โ€

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A proctologist had been in practice for 20 years and had settled into a very comfortable life with his future very secure. So he decided to fulfill his REAL dream and become an auto mechanic.

Having entered mechanic school, the former physician received the results of his first test back with a score of 200%.

Confused, he asked the teacher why his score was so high.

โ€œWellโ€, said the teacher, โ€œthe first part was taking the engine apart and you did that perfectly, so you got 50%. The second was to put it back together again and you did it perfectly and got another 50%. The other 100% was for doing it through the tailpipe.โ€

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Yo mamaโ€™s so fat I swerved to miss her in my car and ran out of gas.

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A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.

The women need to, buy another, but only have $500.

The redhead tells the blonde, โ€œI will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.โ€

She goes to the market and finds one for $499.

Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.

Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word โ€œcomfortableโ€.

Skeptical, the operator asks, โ€œHow will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?โ€

The redhead replies, โ€œShe's a blonde so she reads slow: โ€˜Come for ta bullโ€™.โ€

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