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Vegetables Puns and Hilarious Vegetable Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Vegetable Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Vegetable Jokes


One snowman said to another, β€œI’d heard that carrots are very good for your eyes, but all I can see are carrots...”

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Why was the snowman looking through a pile of carrots?

He was picking his nose.

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Mrs. Jones was proud of her pumpkin patch, so she was really disappointed when some of the local kids were taking them to make Jack-o-Lanterns.

One evening while Mrs. Jones was soaking in the bath, the answer to the pumpkin thefts came to her.

After supper she went out and put up a

sign:

β€œBeware, one of these pumpkins is coated with a special colorless rat poison!”

A day or two later when Mrs. Jones checked out her pumpkin patch she was pleased to see that no more had been stolen.

Then she saw a second sign next to hers which said: β€œNOW THERE ARE TWO!!”

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Farmer Smith was driving his tractor along the road with a trailer load

of fertilizer.

Alex β€” a little boy of nine β€” was playing ball in his yard.

He saw the farmer and asked, β€œWhat’ve you got in your trailer?”

β€œManure,” farmer Smith replied.

β€œWhat are you going to do with it?” asked Alex.

β€œPut it on my pumpkins,” answered the farmer.

Alex replied, β€œYou ought to

come and eat with us, we put ice cream on our pumpkin pie.”

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How did the pumpkin feel after being carved?

Gutted.

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Why did the pumpkin pie go to the doctor?

It was feeling crummy.

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Always a seasonal delight, today we will look at how to make a pumpkin roll:

Step 1. Get a pumpkin.

Step 2. Take your pumpkin to the top of a hill.

Step 3. Give it a little push.

Step 4. Enjoy.

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Why don’t pumpkins get into arguments?

Because they have no stomach for fighting.

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We got our Seasonal bulk in at work today and got Pumpkin Spice Motor Oil.

It’s for Autumnmobiles.

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What do you call a pumpkin that can slam-dunk a basketball?

Michael Gourdan.

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What did the orange pumpkin say to the green pumpkin?

β€œAre you feeling ill?”

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Why do pumpkins do poorly in school?

Because eventually they end up with all their brains scooped out.

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It’s so hot my Iceberg lettuce melted.

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Why do bananas use sunscreen?

So they don’t peel.

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What do you call a cantaloupe in a swimming pool?

A watermelon.

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You’re so short, that I can’t see you behind the last remaining pea on your plate.

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I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was, β€œI bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me.”

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Yo mama so fat, when she ate an Avocado it was Nickado.

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What’s a vegan’s favorite non-terrestrial moon in the solar system?

En-salad-us.

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Being vegan is so easy that I literally just stare at the sun and I’m satisfied.

Thanks, photosynthesis.

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A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women’s feet, and said in a rather stern voice, β€œGinger!”

The woman thought, β€œThis is great!” and a big smile came across her face.

A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, β€œDammit, Ginger!”

Once again the woman smiled and thought, β€œYes!”

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn’t even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, β€œDammit, Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!”

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A woman comes from a restaurant and ate a lot of beans.

When she gets home his husband puts a blindfold on hair and says not to take it off.

The lady hears her husband leave the room and starts farting really loudly.

When the husband comes back and takes of the blind fold the lady sees 12 people with pegs on there nose singing β€œHappy birthday!”.

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Snowmen like carrot cake because it tastes like boogers.

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β€œWhere did you get this mushroom recipe?” Husband asks his wife.

β€œIn a detective novel,” she answers.

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A guy walks into the doctor’s office.

A carrot stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a mushroom stuck in one nostril.

The man says, β€œDoc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”

The doctor says, β€œWell, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.”

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A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.

β€œHow wonderful! I hope you don’t mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?”

β€œHe ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”

β€œOh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”

β€œHe also ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”

β€œOh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”

β€œHe died of a broken neck.”

β€œA broken neck?”

β€œHe wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”

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Two men β€” one a brunette and the other a blonde β€” were comparing their luck picking up girls at the beach.

The brunette guy says, β€œWhat works for me is this: Go to a grocery store, buy a potato, and put it in your swim trunk.”

The blonde guy thanks him and spends the next 5 hours roaming the beach with a potato in his swim trunks – with no luck.

He says to his brunette friend that he did put a potato in his swim trunks and had no luck.

The brunette guy says to the blonde guy, β€œYou dumb! The potato goes in the FRONT of your trunks, not the back!!!”

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My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.

One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles.

He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute.

Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.

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Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm?

Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.

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Three women escape from prison β€” a blonde and two brunettes β€” and to get away from the cops they hide in an abandoned farmhouse.

Inside the house, there are three sacks that the escapees crawl into when the police search the building.

One of the cops sees the sacks and yells, β€œThere are just three burlap sacks in here!”

To which his partner replies, β€œThen kick them just to be sure it’s not them hiding”.

The officer goes and kicks one with a brunette in it and she yells, β€œMEEEYYOWW!”

The officer says, β€œOh, it’s just a stupid cat in there.”

So he kicks the one with the other brunette in it and she yells, β€œRUUFFF RUFFF!”

The officer says, β€œOh, it’s just a stupid dog!”

Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, β€œPOTATOES!”

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Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.

A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas that they’d never seen before.

Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.

When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across at her friend and said, β€œI wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”

β€œWhy not?”

β€œI took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”

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Why don’t blondes eat bananas?

They can’t find the zipper.

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Broccoli: β€œHey, I look like a tree.”

Mushroom: β€œWow, I look just like an umbrella.”

Walnut: β€œI look exactly like a brain.”

Banana: β€œMan, can we change the topic please?”

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Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice from a banana.

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Why did two women walk into a saloon pointing bananas at people and shouting, β€œGIVE US YER LOOT”?

They were both blonds.

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How come β€œyou’re a peach” is a complement, but β€œyou’re bananas” is an insult?

Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

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An onion just told me a joke.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

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Why can’t tomatoes win races against lettuce?

Because the lettuce are always a head, and the tomatoes are always trying to ketchup.

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The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?

β€œCome on, ketch-up!”

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Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.

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A man’s bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed.

β€œLook, being a vice president isn’t that special,” she said. β€œThey even have a vice president of peas at the supermarket!”

Not believing her for one second, the man called the supermarket and demanded, β€œGet me the vice president of peas!”

The clerk replied, β€œFresh, canned, or frozen?”

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My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.

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Yo momma is so ugly, she made an onion cry.

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Yo mama’s so stupid, she stared at a cup of orange juice for 12 hours because it said β€œconcentrate”.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„





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