Enjoy our team's carefully selected Vegetable Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
When does a farmer dance?
When he drops the beet.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
Because it had appeal.
😄 😄 😄
Why do onions have poor self-image?
Because people cry when they get onions naked.
😄 😄 😄
Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
To the peach.
😄 😄 😄
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist?
It is a great peach of work.
😄 😄 😄
Where do you store peach juice?
Inside of a peach-er.
😄 😄 😄
If you are wondering about a peach’s favorite game.
It’s peach ball.
😄 😄 😄
The peach couple is in love.
They seem to be born for peach other.
😄 😄 😄
This special peach school is for those peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave?
He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
😄 😄 😄
A blueberry asked a strawberry to go to hell.
That was berry rude of him.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a grape that’s always getting into trouble?
A mis-grape.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the grape go to school?
To become a little wine-y!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a grape that can perform juggle?
A grape-fruit.
😄 😄 😄
What is fruity and burns?
The Grape Fire of London.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service.
😄 😄 😄
There’s a hair in my wine.
The grapes must have been fur-mented.
😄 😄 😄
What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
😄 😄 😄
At a get-together, one fruit asked another, “I was wondering how you have been.”
The other replied, “Just peachy, isn’t that grape?”
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris makes onions cry.
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Noris once picked an apple from an orange tree and made lemonade with it.
😄 😄 😄
What did the apple teacher say to her student?
“Help me orange the chairs please!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Luke.”
“Luke, who?”
“Luke through the peep hole, it’s gourd-geous!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Turnip.”
“Turnip, who?”
“Turnip the radio, please!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Peas.”
“Peas, who?”
“Peas tell me more knock knock jokes!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Onion.”
“Onion, who?”
“Onion mark, get set, go!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Bean.”
“Bean, who?”
“Bean awhile since I’ve seen you!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Lettuce.”
“Lettuce, who?”
“Lettuce eat cake, it’s your birthday!”
😄 😄 😄
Why is corn so popular on Thanksgiving?
Because it’s a-maize-ing.
😄 😄 😄
What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?
Yammies.
😄 😄 😄
“Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner?”
“I yam what I yam.”
😄 😄 😄
What happens when your cousin eats all the Pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving?
Plump kin.
😄 😄 😄
Why are the cranberries red?
They saw the turkey dressing!
😄 😄 😄
What did Bruno Mars bring to the Thanksgiving Potluck?
24 Karat cakes.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the Thanksgiving feast expensive?
It had 24 carrots!
😄 😄 😄
Who’s going to the concert festival on Thanksgiving Day?
The bands will be Meatloaf, Korn, The Cranberries, and Smashing Pumpkins.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Esther.”
“Esther, who?”
“Esther any more cranberry sauce?”
😄 😄 😄
I went to see a beet poet the other day.
There were lots of hip peas there.
😄 😄 😄
If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
😄 😄 😄
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables.
We stayed in a tea-pea.
😄 😄 😄
I remember the day my ex sent me a breakup text, my mom asked me what I was reading.
I told her, “Tips to cook delicious food.”
And then she asked me why I was crying.
I answered, “I have reached where they are cutting onions.”
😄 😄 😄
Vegan: “People who sell meat are gross!”
Non-vegetarian: “People who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”
😄 😄 😄
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
😄 😄 😄
I couldn’t help but feel blue when I spilled my blueberry smoothie all over my shirt.
😄 😄 😄
When the blueberry made a mistake, it had to blue-pologize.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sad berry?
A blue-fruit.
😄 😄 😄
I made a blue smoothie today.
It was berry good.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a blueberry’s favorite song?
Anything from the Blue Album by Weezer.
😄 😄 😄
Why do blueberries make bad employees?
They always end up getting the blues.
😄 😄 😄
Why do blueberries get along with everyone?
They’re naturally blue-tiful.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the sad blueberry?
It was feeling blue.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sneaky blue bean?
A navy bean.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the blueberry always tired?
Because it was feeling a little blue-combed.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the blue-colored fruit hide?
It was feeling blue.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sad blueberry?
A blue-berry.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a pickle’s life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
😄 😄 😄
My friend thinks he’s intelligent. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry.
So I threw a coconut at his face.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a small, yellow onion?
A Min-ion.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the square root of Minecraft?
There are three, actually: the potatoes, the carrots, and the beetroots.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a koala’s favorite end-of-the-world food?
Apocalyptus.
😄 😄 😄
Why wasn’t one of the gingerbread men decorated?
He wasn’t cut out for the job.
😄 😄 😄
Why are there gingerbread men but not gingerbread women?
It’s a pastryarchy.
😄 😄 😄
Why was Ginger the only real Spice Girl?
Because Cumin, Parsley, Basil and Garlic were rejected.
😄 😄 😄
I accidentally dropped a full two liter bottle of ginger ale onto my bare foot.
Fortunately it was a soft drink.
😄 😄 😄
How do you make a recipe pop with ginger?
Play “Spice Girls” songs while you cook.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross ginger with a Jamaican?
Gingerbreadmon.
😄 😄 😄
How do gingers like their gossip?
Spicy.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a mean rhizome?
A gin-jerk.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a ginger kid who’s good at martial arts?
The Carroty Kid.
😄 😄 😄
What do root vegetables usually order at a bar?
Ginger beer.
😄 😄 😄
How do gingers support each other?
By rooting for them.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a drummer’s favorite vegetable?
Beets.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A Salad Shooter.
😄 😄 😄
Me: “How much for the goth cucumber?”
Clerk: “That’s a cactus.”
😄 😄 😄
If two avocado are “avocados”.
Then shouldn’t three avocado be “avocatres”, and four be “avoquatro”, and five be “avocinco”?
😄 😄 😄
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
😄 😄 😄
What did the avocado do at the wedding?
Make a toast.
😄 😄 😄
Has anyone played that weird Mexican carnival game where groundhogs pop out of holes, and you have to smear them with avocado?
I really suck at guac-a-mole.
😄 😄 😄
Accidentally got some guacamole in my eyes.
And now I think I have guacoma.
😄 😄 😄
What can you find on avocado feet?
Avoca-toes.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an animal found under the avocado tree?
A guaca-mole.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
😄 😄 😄
How does a robot eat its guacamole?
With micro-chips.
😄 😄 😄
I’m trying to learn how to find a ripe avocado.
It’s not that hard.
😄 😄 😄
What does an avocado say to its pit?
Without you, I’m empty inside.
😄 😄 😄
What does an avocado call its children?
Avo-kiddos.
😄 😄 😄
A guy is sitting outside on a bench eating a burger when a woman comes out of a Subway store with a salad bowl.
She walks over to the guy and angrily says to him, “You know, a cow died somewhere, so you could enjoy that burger. What do you think of that, hmm?”
As quick as a flash, he looks up at her and replies, “It’s a shame for sure, but maybe if you weren’t eating its food, that cow might have lived.”
😄 😄 😄
One snowman said to another, “I’d heard that carrots are very good for your eyes, but all I can see are carrots...”
😄 😄 😄
Why was the snowman looking through a pile of carrots?
He was picking his nose.
😄 😄 😄
Mrs. Jones was proud of her pumpkin patch, so she was really disappointed when some of the local kids were taking them to make Jack-o-Lanterns.
One evening while Mrs. Jones was soaking in the bath, the answer to the pumpkin thefts came to her.
After supper she went out and put up a sign: “Beware, one of these pumpkins is coated with a special colorless rat poison!”
A day or two later when Mrs. Jones checked out her pumpkin patch she was pleased to see that no more had been stolen.
Then she saw a second sign next to hers which said: “NOW THERE ARE TWO!!”
😄 😄 😄
Farmer Smith was driving his tractor along the road with a trailer load of fertilizer.
Alex—a little boy of nine—was playing ball in his yard.
He saw the farmer and asked, “What’ve you got in your trailer?”
“Manure,” farmer Smith replied.
“What are you going to do with it?” asked Alex.
“Put it on my pumpkins,” answered the farmer.
Alex replied, “You ought to come and eat with us, we put ice cream on our pumpkin pie.”
😄 😄 😄
How did the pumpkin feel after being carved?
Gutted.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the pumpkin pie go to the doctor?
It was feeling crummy.
😄 😄 😄
Always a seasonal delight, today we will look at how to make a pumpkin roll:
Step 1. Get a pumpkin.
Step 2. Take your pumpkin to the top of a hill.
Step 3. Give it a little push.
Step 4. Enjoy.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t pumpkins get into arguments?
Because they have no stomach for fighting.
😄 😄 😄
We got our seasonal bulk in at work today and got Pumpkin Spice Motor Oil.
It’s for autumnmobiles.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam-dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
😄 😄 😄
What did the orange pumpkin say to the green pumpkin?
“Are you feeling ill?”
😄 😄 😄
Why do pumpkins do poorly in school?
Because eventually they end up with all their brains scooped out.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot my Iceberg lettuce melted.
😄 😄 😄
Why do bananas use sunscreen?
So they don’t peel.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a cantaloupe in a swimming pool?
A watermelon.
😄 😄 😄
You’re so short that I can’t see you behind the last remaining pea on your plate.
😄 😄 😄
I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was, “I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me.”
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama so fat when she ate an Avocado it was Nickado.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a vegan’s favorite non-terrestrial moon in the solar system?
En-salad-us.
😄 😄 😄
Being vegan is so easy that I literally just stare at the sun and I’m satisfied.
Thanks, photosynthesis.
😄 😄 😄
A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women’s feet, and said in a rather stern voice, “Ginger!”
The woman thought, “This is great!” and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, “Dammit, Ginger!”
Once again the woman smiled and thought, “Yes!”
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn’t even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, “Dammit, Ginger, get away from her before she poops on you!”
😄 😄 😄
A woman comes from a restaurant and ate a lot of beans.
When she gets home, his husband puts a blindfold on hair and says not to take it off.
The lady hears her husband leave the room and starts farting really loudly.
When the husband comes back and takes off the blindfold the lady sees 12 people with pegs on their noses singing “Happy birthday!”.
😄 😄 😄
Snowmen like carrot cake because it tastes like boogers.
😄 😄 😄
“Where did you get this mushroom recipe?” The husband asks his wife.
“In a detective novel,” she answers.
😄 😄 😄
A guy walks into the doctor’s office.
A carrot stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a mushroom stuck in one nostril.
The man says, “Doc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”
The doctor says, “Well, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.”
😄 😄 😄
A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.
“How wonderful! I hope you don’t mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?”
“He ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”
“He also ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”
“Oh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”
“He died of a broken neck.”
“A broken neck?”
“He wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”
😄 😄 😄
Two men—one a brunette and the other a blonde—were comparing their luck picking up girls at the beach.
The brunette guy says, “What works for me is this: Go to a grocery store, buy a potato, and put it in your swim trunk.”
The blonde guy thanks him and spends the next 5 hours roaming the beach with a potato in his swim trunks – with no luck.
He says to his brunette friend that he did put a potato in his swim trunks and had no luck.
The brunette guy says to the blonde guy, “You dumb! The potato goes in the FRONT of your trunks, not the back!!!”
😄 😄 😄
My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.
One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles.
He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.
After a while he tried 10-pound potato sacks, then 50-pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute.
Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.
😄 😄 😄
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm?
Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.
😄 😄 😄
Three women escape from prison—a blonde and two brunettes—and to get away from the cops they hide in an abandoned farmhouse.
Inside the house, there are three sacks that the escapees crawl into when the police search the building.
One of the cops sees the sacks and yells, “There are just three burlap sacks in here!”
To which his partner replies, “Then kick them just to be sure it’s not them hiding”.
The officer goes and kicks one with a brunette in it and she yells, “MEEEYYOWW!”
The officer says, “Oh, it’s just a stupid cat in there.”
So he kicks the one with the other brunette in it and she yells, “RUUFFF RUFFF!”
The officer says, “Oh, it’s just a stupid dog!”
Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, “POTATOES!”
😄 😄 😄
Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas that they’d never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across at her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”
“Why not?”
“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t blondes eat bananas?
They can’t find the zipper.
😄 😄 😄
Broccoli: “Hey, I look like a tree.”
Mushroom: “Wow, I look just like an umbrella.”
Walnut: “I look exactly like a brain.”
Banana: “Man, can we change the topic please?”
😄 😄 😄
Why did two women walk into a saloon pointing bananas at people and shouting, “GIVE US YER LOOT”?
They were both blonds.
😄 😄 😄
How come “you’re a peach” is a compliment, but “you’re bananas” is an insult?
Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
😄 😄 😄
An onion just told me a joke.
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.
😄 😄 😄
Why can’t tomatoes win races against lettuce?
Because the lettuce are always a head, and the tomatoes are always trying to ketchup.
😄 😄 😄
The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?
“Come on, ketch-up!”
😄 😄 😄
Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.
😄 😄 😄
A man’s bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed.
“Look, being a vice president isn’t that special,” she said. “They even have a vice president of peas at the supermarket!”
Not believing her for one second, the man called the supermarket and demanded, “Get me the vice president of peas!”
The clerk replied, “Fresh, canned, or frozen?”
😄 😄 😄
Yo momma is so ugly she made an onion cry.
😄 😄 😄
Yo mama’s so stupid she stared at a cup of orange juice for 12 hours because it said “concentrate”.
😄 😄 😄
