Enjoy our team's carefully selected Vegetable Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
What do you call a small, yellow onion?
A Min-ion.
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Whatβs the square root of Minecraft?
Thereβs three, actually: the potatoes, the carrots, and the beetroots.
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Whatβs a koalaβs favorite end-of-the-world food?
Apocalyptus.
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Why wasnβt one of the gingerbread men decorated?
He wasnβt cut out for the job.
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Why are there gingerbread men but not gingerbread women?
Itβs a pastryarchy.
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Why was Ginger the only real Spice Girl?
Because Cumin, Parsley, Basil and Garlic were rejected.
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I accidentally dropped a full two liter bottle of ginger ale onto my bare foot.
Fortunately it was a soft drink.
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How do you make a recipe pop with ginger?
Play βSpice Girlsβ songs while you cook.
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What do you get when you cross ginger with a Jamaican?
Gingerbreadmon.
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How do gingers like their gossip?
Spicy.
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What do you call a mean rhizome?
A gin-jerk.
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What do you call a ginger kid whoβs good at martial arts?
The Carroty Kid.
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What do root vegetables usually order at a bar?
Ginger beer.
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How do gingers support each other?
By rooting for them.
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Whatβs a drummerβs favorite vegetable?
Beets.
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What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?
A Salad Shooter.
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Me: βHow much for the goth cucumber?β
Clerk: βThatβs a cactus.β
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If two avocado are βavocadosβ.
Then shouldnβt three avocado be βavocatresβ, and four be βavoquatroβ, and five be βavocincoβ?
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What does a duck thatβs made of avocado say?
Guac.
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What did the avocado do at the wedding?
Make a toast.
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Has anyone played that weird Mexican carnival game where groundhogs pop out of holes, and you have to smear them with avocado?
I really suck at guac-a-mole.
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Accidentally got some guacamole in my eyes.
And now I think I have guacoma.
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What can you find on avocado feet?
Avoca-toes.
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What do you call an animal found under the avocado tree?
A guaca-mole.
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What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
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How does a robot eat its guacamole?
With micro-chips.
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Iβm trying to learn how to find a ripe avocado.
Itβs not that hard.
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What does an avocado say to its pit?
Without you, Iβm empty inside.
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What does an avocado call its children?
Avo-kiddos.
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One snowman said to another, βIβd heard that carrots are very good for your eyes, but all I can see are carrots...β
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Why was the snowman looking through a pile of carrots?
He was picking his nose.
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Mrs. Jones was proud of her pumpkin patch, so she was really disappointed when some of the local kids were taking them to make Jack-o-Lanterns.
One evening while Mrs. Jones was soaking in the bath, the answer to the pumpkin thefts came to her.
After supper she went out and put up a sign: βBeware, one of these pumpkins is coated with a special colorless rat poison!β
A day or two later when Mrs. Jones checked out her pumpkin patch she was pleased to see that no more had been stolen.
Then she saw a second sign next to hers which said: βNOW THERE ARE TWO!!β
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Farmer Smith was driving his tractor along the road with a trailer load
of fertilizer.
Alex β a little boy of nine β was playing ball in his yard.
He saw the farmer and asked, βWhatβve you got in your trailer?β
βManure,β farmer Smith replied.
βWhat are you going to do with it?β asked Alex.
βPut it on my pumpkins,β answered the farmer.
Alex replied, βYou ought to
come and eat with us, we put ice cream on our pumpkin pie.β
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How did the pumpkin feel after being carved?
Gutted.
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Why did the pumpkin pie go to the doctor?
It was feeling crummy.
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Always a seasonal delight, today we will look at how to make a pumpkin roll:
Step 1. Get a pumpkin.
Step 2. Take your pumpkin to the top of a hill.
Step 3. Give it a little push.
Step 4. Enjoy.
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Why donβt pumpkins get into arguments?
Because they have no stomach for fighting.
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We got our seasonal bulk in at work today and got Pumpkin Spice Motor Oil.
Itβs for Autumnmobiles.
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What do you call a pumpkin that can slam-dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
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What did the orange pumpkin say to the green pumpkin?
βAre you feeling ill?β
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Why do pumpkins do poorly in school?
Because eventually they end up with all their brains scooped out.
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Itβs so hot my Iceberg lettuce melted.
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Why do bananas use sunscreen?
So they donβt peel.
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What do you call a cantaloupe in a swimming pool?
A watermelon.
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Youβre so short that I canβt see you behind the last remaining pea on your plate.
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I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was, βI bet a donut wouldnβt have done this to me.β
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Yo mama so fat when she ate an Avocado it was Nickado.
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Whatβs a veganβs favorite non-terrestrial moon in the solar system?
En-salad-us.
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Being vegan is so easy that I literally just stare at the sun and Iβm satisfied.
Thanks, photosynthesis.
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A woman goes to her boyfriendβs parentsβ house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.
The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.
Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasnβt loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriendβs father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the womenβs feet, and said in a rather stern voice, βGinger!β
The woman thought, βThis is great!β and a big smile came across her face.
A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didnβt hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.
The father again looked at the dog and yelled, βDammit, Ginger!β
Once again the woman smiled and thought, βYes!β
A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didnβt even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.
Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, βDammit, Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!β
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A woman comes from a restaurant and ate a lot of beans.
When she gets home, his husband puts a blindfold on hair and says not to take it off.
The lady hears her husband leave the room and starts farting really loudly.
When the husband comes back and takes off the blindfold the lady sees 12 people with pegs on their noses singing βHappy birthday!β.
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Snowmen like carrot cake because it tastes like boogers.
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βWhere did you get this mushroom recipe?β The husband asks his wife.
βIn a detective novel,β she answers.
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A guy walks into the doctorβs office.
A carrot stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a mushroom stuck in one nostril.
The man says, βDoc, this is terrible. Whatβs wrong with me?β
The doctor says, βWell, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.β
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A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.
βHow wonderful! I hope you donβt mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?β
βHe ate poisonous mushrooms and died.β
βOh, how tragic! What about your second husband?β
βHe also ate poisonous mushrooms and died.β
βOh, how terrible! Iβm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.β
βHe died of a broken neck.β
βA broken neck?β
βHe wouldnβt eat the mushrooms.β
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Two menβone a brunette and the other a blondeβwere comparing their luck picking up girls at the beach.
The brunette guy says, βWhat works for me is this: Go to a grocery store, buy a potato, and put it in your swim trunk.β
The blonde guy thanks him and spends the next 5 hours roaming the beach with a potato in his swim trunks β with no luck.
He says to his brunette friend that he did put a potato in his swim trunks and had no luck.
The brunette guy says to the blonde guy, βYou dumb! The potato goes in the FRONT of your trunks, not the back!!!β
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My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.
One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles.
He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.
After a while he tried 10-pound potato sacks, then 50-pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute.
Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.
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Why shouldnβt you tell a secret on a farm?
Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.
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Three women escape from prisonβa blonde and two brunettesβand to get away from the cops they hide in an abandoned farmhouse.
Inside the house, there are three sacks that the escapees crawl into when the police search the building.
One of the cops sees the sacks and yells, βThere are just three burlap sacks in here!β
To which his partner replies, βThen kick them just to be sure itβs not them hidingβ.
The officer goes and kicks one with a brunette in it and she yells, βMEEEYYOWW!β
The officer says, βOh, itβs just a stupid cat in there.β
So he kicks the one with the other brunette in it and she yells, βRUUFFF RUFFF!β
The officer says, βOh, itβs just a stupid dog!β
Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, βPOTATOES!β
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Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.
A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas that theyβd never seen before.
Each bought one.
The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.
When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across at her friend and said, βI wouldnβt eat that if I were you.β
βWhy not?β
βI took one bite and went blind for half a minute.β
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Why donβt blondes eat bananas?
They canβt find the zipper.
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Broccoli: βHey, I look like a tree.β
Mushroom: βWow, I look just like an umbrella.β
Walnut: βI look exactly like a brain.β
Banana: βMan, can we change the topic please?β
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Why did two women walk into a saloon pointing bananas at people and shouting, βGIVE US YER LOOTβ?
They were both blonds.
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How come βyouβre a peachβ is a complement, but βyouβre bananasβ is an insult?
Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?
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An onion just told me a joke.
I donβt know whether to laugh or cry.
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Why canβt tomatoes win races against lettuce?
Because the lettuce are always a head, and the tomatoes are always trying to ketchup.
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The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?
βCome on, ketch-up!β
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Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.
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A manβs bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed.
βLook, being a vice president isnβt that special,β she said. βThey even have a vice president of peas at the supermarket!β
Not believing her for one second, the man called the supermarket and demanded, βGet me the vice president of peas!β
The clerk replied, βFresh, canned, or frozen?β
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My friend thinks he is smart. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry, so I threw a coconut at his face.
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Yo momma is so ugly she made an onion cry.
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Yo mamaβs so stupid she stared at a cup of orange juice for 12 hours because it said βconcentrateβ.
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