Vegetable Puns and Hilarious Vegetable Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Vegetable Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Vegetable Jokes


What happens when your cousin eats all the Pumpkin pie on Thanksgiving?

Plump kin.

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Why are the cranberries red?

They saw the turkey dressing!

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What did Bruno Mars bring to the Thanksgiving Potluck?

24 Karat cakes.

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Why was the Thanksgiving feast expensive?

It had 24 carrots!

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Who’s going to the concert festival on Thanksgiving Day?

The bands will be Meatloaf, Korn, The Cranberries, and Smashing Pumpkins.

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œEsther.”

β€œEsther, who?”

β€œEsther any more cranberry sauce?”

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I went to see a beet poet the other day.

There were lots of hip peas there.

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If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

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I went to an English camping party with some vegetables.

We stayed in a tea-pea.

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I remember the day my ex sent me a breakup text, my mom asked me what I was reading.

I told her, β€œTips to cook delicious food.”

And then she asked me why I was crying.

I answered, β€œI have reached where they are cutting onions.”

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Vegan: β€œPeople who sell meat are gross!”

Non-vegetarian: β€œPeople who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer.”

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When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.

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I couldn’t help but feel blue when I spilled my blueberry smoothie all over my shirt.

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When the blueberry made a mistake, it had to blue-pologize.

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What do you call a sad berry?

A blue-fruit.

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I made a blue smoothie today.

It was berry good.

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What’s a blueberry’s favorite song?

Anything from the Blue Album by Weezer.

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Why do blueberries make bad employees?

They always end up getting the blues.

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Why do blueberries get along with everyone?

They’re naturally blue-tiful.

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Did you hear about the sad blueberry?

It was feeling blue.

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What do you call a sneaky blue bean?

A navy bean.

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Why was the blueberry always tired?

Because it was feeling a little blue-combed.

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Why did the blue-colored fruit hide?

It was feeling blue.

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What do you call a sad blueberry?

A blue-berry.

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What’s a pickle’s life philosophy?

Never a dill moment.

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My friend thinks he’s intelligent. He told me an onion is the only food that makes you cry.

So I threw a coconut at his face.

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What do you call a small, yellow onion?

A Min-ion.

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What’s the square root of Minecraft?

There’s three, actually: the potatoes, the carrots, and the beetroots.

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What’s a koala’s favorite end-of-the-world food?

Apocalyptus.

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Why wasn’t one of the gingerbread men decorated?

He wasn’t cut out for the job.

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Why are there gingerbread men but not gingerbread women?

It’s a pastryarchy.

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Why was Ginger the only real Spice Girl?

Because Cumin, Parsley, Basil and Garlic were rejected.

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I accidentally dropped a full two liter bottle of ginger ale onto my bare foot.

Fortunately it was a soft drink.

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How do you make a recipe pop with ginger?

Play β€œSpice Girls” songs while you cook.

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What do you get when you cross ginger with a Jamaican?

Gingerbreadmon.

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How do gingers like their gossip?

Spicy.

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What do you call a mean rhizome?

A gin-jerk.

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What do you call a ginger kid who’s good at martial arts?

The Carroty Kid.

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What do root vegetables usually order at a bar?

Ginger beer.

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How do gingers support each other?

By rooting for them.

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What’s a drummer’s favorite vegetable?

Beets.

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What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?

A Salad Shooter.

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Me: β€œHow much for the goth cucumber?”

Clerk: β€œThat’s a cactus.”

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If two avocado are β€œavocados”.

Then shouldn’t three avocado be β€œavocatres”, and four be β€œavoquatro”, and five be β€œavocinco”?

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What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?

Guac.

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What did the avocado do at the wedding?

Make a toast.

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Has anyone played that weird Mexican carnival game where groundhogs pop out of holes, and you have to smear them with avocado?

I really suck at guac-a-mole.

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Accidentally got some guacamole in my eyes.

And now I think I have guacoma.

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What can you find on avocado feet?

Avoca-toes.

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What do you call an animal found under the avocado tree?

A guaca-mole.

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What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?

Gu-whack-a-mole-e.

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How does a robot eat its guacamole?

With micro-chips.

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I’m trying to learn how to find a ripe avocado.

It’s not that hard.

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What does an avocado say to its pit?

Without you, I’m empty inside.

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What does an avocado call its children?

Avo-kiddos.

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A guy is sitting outside on a bench eating a burger when a woman comes out of a Subway store with a salad bowl.

She walks over to the guy and angrily says to him, β€œYou know, a cow died somewhere, so you could enjoy that burger. What do you think of that, hmm?”

As quick as a flash, he looks up at her and replies, β€œIt’s a shame for sure, but maybe if you weren’t eating its food, that cow might have lived.”

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One snowman said to another, β€œI’d heard that carrots are very good for your eyes, but all I can see are carrots...”

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Why was the snowman looking through a pile of carrots?

He was picking his nose.

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Mrs. Jones was proud of her pumpkin patch, so she was really disappointed when some of the local kids were taking them to make Jack-o-Lanterns.

One evening while Mrs. Jones was soaking in the bath, the answer to the pumpkin thefts came to her.

After supper she went out and put up a sign: β€œBeware, one of these pumpkins is coated with a special colorless rat poison!”

A day or two later when Mrs. Jones checked out her pumpkin patch she was pleased to see that no more had been stolen.

Then she saw a second sign next to hers which said: β€œNOW THERE ARE TWO!!”

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Farmer Smith was driving his tractor along the road with a trailer load of fertilizer. Β 

Alexβ€”a little boy of nineβ€”was playing ball in his yard.

He saw the farmer and asked, β€œWhat’ve you got in your trailer?”

β€œManure,” farmer Smith replied.

β€œWhat are you going to do with it?” asked Alex.

β€œPut it on my pumpkins,” answered the farmer.

Alex replied, β€œYou ought to come and eat with us, we put ice cream on our pumpkin pie.”

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How did the pumpkin feel after being carved?

Gutted.

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Why did the pumpkin pie go to the doctor?

It was feeling crummy.

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Always a seasonal delight, today we will look at how to make a pumpkin roll:

Step 1. Get a pumpkin.

Step 2. Take your pumpkin to the top of a hill.

Step 3. Give it a little push.

Step 4. Enjoy.

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Why don’t pumpkins get into arguments?

Because they have no stomach for fighting.

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We got our seasonal bulk in at work today and got Pumpkin Spice Motor Oil.

It’s for autumnmobiles.

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What do you call a pumpkin that can slam-dunk a basketball?

Michael Gourdan.

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What did the orange pumpkin say to the green pumpkin?

β€œAre you feeling ill?”

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Why do pumpkins do poorly in school?

Because eventually they end up with all their brains scooped out.

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It’s so hot my Iceberg lettuce melted.

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Why do bananas use sunscreen?

So they don’t peel.

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What do you call a cantaloupe in a swimming pool?

A watermelon.

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You’re so short that I can’t see you behind the last remaining pea on your plate.

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I choked on a carrot this afternoon and all I could think was, β€œI bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me.”

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Yo mama so fat when she ate an Avocado it was Nickado.

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What’s a vegan’s favorite non-terrestrial moon in the solar system?

En-salad-us.

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Being vegan is so easy that I literally just stare at the sun and I’m satisfied.

Thanks, photosynthesis.

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A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart. It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women’s feet, and said in a rather stern voice, β€œGinger!”

The woman thought, β€œThis is great!” and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, β€œDammit, Ginger!”

Once again the woman smiled and thought, β€œYes!”

A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn’t even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled a train whistle blowing.

Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, β€œDammit, Ginger, get away from her before she shits on you!”

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A woman comes from a restaurant and ate a lot of beans.

When she gets home, his husband puts a blindfold on hair and says not to take it off.

The lady hears her husband leave the room and starts farting really loudly.

When the husband comes back and takes off the blindfold the lady sees 12 people with pegs on their noses singing β€œHappy birthday!”.

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Snowmen like carrot cake because it tastes like boogers.

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β€œWhere did you get this mushroom recipe?” The husband asks his wife.

β€œIn a detective novel,” she answers.

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A guy walks into the doctor’s office.

A carrot stuck in one of his ears, a cucumber in the other ear, and a mushroom stuck in one nostril.

The man says, β€œDoc, this is terrible. What’s wrong with me?”

The doctor says, β€œWell, first of all, you need to eat more sensibly.”

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A woman tells her friend she is getting married for the fourth time.

β€œHow wonderful! I hope you don’t mind me asking, what happened to your first husband?”

β€œHe ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”

β€œOh, how tragic! What about your second husband?”

β€œHe also ate poisonous mushrooms and died.”

β€œOh, how terrible! I’m almost afraid to ask you about your third husband.”

β€œHe died of a broken neck.”

β€œA broken neck?”

β€œHe wouldn’t eat the mushrooms.”

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Two menβ€”one a brunette and the other a blondeβ€”were comparing their luck picking up girls at the beach.

The brunette guy says, β€œWhat works for me is this: Go to a grocery store, buy a potato, and put it in your swim trunk.”

The blonde guy thanks him and spends the next 5 hours roaming the beach with a potato in his swim trunks – with no luck.

He says to his brunette friend that he did put a potato in his swim trunks and had no luck.

The brunette guy says to the blonde guy, β€œYou dumb! The potato goes in the FRONT of your trunks, not the back!!!”

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My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.

One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles.

He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After a while he tried 10-pound potato sacks, then 50-pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute.

Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.

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Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm?

Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.

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Three women escape from prisonβ€”a blonde and two brunettesβ€”and to get away from the cops they hide in an abandoned farmhouse.

Inside the house, there are three sacks that the escapees crawl into when the police search the building.

One of the cops sees the sacks and yells, β€œThere are just three burlap sacks in here!”

To which his partner replies, β€œThen kick them just to be sure it’s not them hiding”.

The officer goes and kicks one with a brunette in it and she yells, β€œMEEEYYOWW!”

The officer says, β€œOh, it’s just a stupid cat in there.”

So he kicks the one with the other brunette in it and she yells, β€œRUUFFF RUFFF!”

The officer says, β€œOh, it’s just a stupid dog!”

Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, β€œPOTATOES!”

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Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.

A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas that they’d never seen before.

Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.

When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across at her friend and said, β€œI wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”

β€œWhy not?”

β€œI took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”

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Why don’t blondes eat bananas?

They can’t find the zipper.

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Broccoli: β€œHey, I look like a tree.”

Mushroom: β€œWow, I look just like an umbrella.”

Walnut: β€œI look exactly like a brain.”

Banana: β€œMan, can we change the topic please?”

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Why did two women walk into a saloon pointing bananas at people and shouting, β€œGIVE US YER LOOT”?

They were both blonds.

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How come β€œyou’re a peach” is a complement, but β€œyou’re bananas” is an insult?

Why are we allowing fruit discrimination to tear society apart?

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An onion just told me a joke.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

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Why can’t tomatoes win races against lettuce?

Because the lettuce are always a head, and the tomatoes are always trying to ketchup.

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The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?

β€œCome on, ketch-up!”

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Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.

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A man’s bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed.

β€œLook, being a vice president isn’t that special,” she said. β€œThey even have a vice president of peas at the supermarket!”

Not believing her for one second, the man called the supermarket and demanded, β€œGet me the vice president of peas!”

The clerk replied, β€œFresh, canned, or frozen?”

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Yo momma is so ugly she made an onion cry.

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Yo mama’s so stupid she stared at a cup of orange juice for 12 hours because it said β€œconcentrate”.

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