Travel Jokes



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Travel Jokes


An aircraft was traveling from LA to New York.

About an hour into the flight, the pilot announced, โ€œWe have lost one engine, but donโ€™t worry, there are still three left. However, we will need seven hours to get to New York instead of five.โ€

A little later, the pilot announced, โ€œAnother engine failed, but we still have two left. However, it will take 10 hours to get to New York.โ€

Somewhat later, the pilot again came on the intercom and announced, โ€œA third engine was broken. Never fear because the planeโ€™s still able to fly on one engine. However, itโ€™ll take another 18 hours to get from here to New York.โ€

At this point, one passenger said, โ€œGee, I hope we donโ€™t lose that last engine, or weโ€™ll be up here forever!โ€

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On Teachersโ€™ Day, why did the student gift his Maths teacher a flight ticket to New York City?

To visit his favorite spot, Times Square.

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Iโ€™m like the American Airlines of dating.

We understand you had other options of relationships and weโ€™re sorry you chose me.

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A man is sitting in the bar at a busy airport. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down next to him.

He presumes, because sheโ€™s got a uniform on, sheโ€™s probably an off duty flight attendant.

So he decides to have a go at picking her up by identifying the airline she flies for thereby impressing her greatly.

He leans across to her and says the Delta Airline motto, โ€œWe love to fly and it shows.โ€

The woman looks at him blankly.

He sits back and thinks up another line.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto, โ€œWinning the hearts of the world.โ€

Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto, โ€œGoing beyond expectations.โ€

The woman looks at him wearily and says, โ€œWhat the heck do you WANT, moron?โ€

โ€œAh!โ€ he says, sitting back with a smile on his face, โ€œAmerican Airlines!โ€

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The world record for a drum solo is 10 hours and 17 minutes.

Itโ€™s held by the kid who sat behind me on American Airlines flight 86 from DFW to Paris.

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I think the girl at the American Airlines check-in just threatened me.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, โ€œWindow or aisl?โ€

I laughed right in her face and replied, โ€œWindow or youโ€™ll what?โ€

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A guy from Florida was suing American Airlines because an expensive piece of luggage wasnโ€™t at baggage claim when he landed in New York.

He lost his case.

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Two U.S. Marines boarded a flight headed for Raleigh, North Carolina. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Army Ranger headed for Fort Bragg sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Ranger kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, โ€œI need to get up and get a Coke.โ€

โ€œDonโ€™t get up,โ€ said the Army Ranger, โ€œIโ€™m in the aisle seat, Iโ€™ll get it for you.โ€

As soon as he left, one of the Marines picked up the Rangerโ€™s shoe and spat in it.

When the Ranger returned with the Coke, the other Marine said, โ€œThat looks good, Iโ€™d really like one, too.โ€

Again, the Army Ranger obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Marine picked up the Rangerโ€™s other shoe and spat in it.

When the Ranger returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Army Ranger slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

โ€œWhy does it have to be this way?โ€ he asked. โ€œHow long must this go on? This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in Cokes?โ€

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What sickness did the minion get while travelling?

Yellow fever.

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A Karen boards the plane for her trip to Paris. She decides to take a seat in first class even though her ticket is in economy.

The first flight attendant politely asks her to transfer to her seat in coach.

The Karen smugly replies, โ€œI am travelling to Paris, and I will sit wherever I please.โ€

The second flight attendant approaches her sternly and demands that she move to coach to take her proper seat.

The Karen responds by shouting loudly, โ€œI am going to Paris, and I will sit wherever I damn well please!โ€

The most senior flight attendant then approaches the Karen, bends down and whispers something in her ear.

The Karen immediately jumps up and shouts, โ€œWell, why didnโ€™t you say so sooner?!โ€ and storms off to her seat in coach.

Surprised, the first flight attendant asked what he whispered, to which the senior flight attendant replies, โ€œWeโ€™ve just checked, and someone is sitting in your economy seat.โ€

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A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of drummers.

They called ground control with a list of demands. Then they told the negotiator if their demands arenโ€™t met they will release one drummer an hour.

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A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East.

An Arab approaches the husband, saying, โ€œIโ€™ll give you 100 camels for your woman.โ€

After a long silence, the husband says, โ€œSheโ€™s not for sale.โ€

The indignant wife says, โ€œWhat took you so long to answer?โ€

The husband replied, โ€œI was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.โ€

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I caught bird flu while waiting for a flight at the airport.

I have since found out it is a terminal illness.

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Your head is so big, the airlines charge you an extra $25 to bring it aboard.

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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, โ€œI ask you a question, and if you donโ€™t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.โ€

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, โ€œOkay, if you donโ€™t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I donโ€™t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.โ€

This catches the blondeโ€™s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. โ€œWhatโ€™s the distance from the earth to the moon?โ€

The blonde doesnโ€™t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

โ€œOkay,โ€ says the lawyer, โ€œyour turn.โ€

She asks the lawyer, โ€œWhat goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?โ€

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, โ€œThank you,โ€ and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, โ€œWell, whatโ€™s the answer?โ€

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

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I went to travel to the meadow where I always used to play when I was a child.

There were familiar scents all over.

It was very nose-talgic.

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My friend: โ€œMy girlfriend said she wanted to eat tacos, so we flew to Mexico.โ€

Me: โ€œHey babe, what do you wanna eat?โ€

Her: โ€œNothing.โ€

Me: Flies to Africa.

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After being nearly snowbound for two weeks last winter, a Seattle man departed for his vacation in Miami Beach, where he was to meet his wife the next day at the conclusion of her business trip to Minneapolis. They were looking forward to pleasant weather and a nice time together.

Unfortunately, there was some sort of mix-up at the boarding gate, and the man was told he would have to wait for a later flight. He tried to appeal to a supervisor but was told the airline was not responsible for the problem and that it would do no good to complain.

Upon arrival at the hotel the next day, he discovered that Miami Beach was having a heat wave, and its weather was almost as uncomfortably hot as Seattleโ€™s was cold.

The desk clerk gave him a message that his wife would arrive as planned.

He could hardly wait to get to the pool area to cool off, and quickly sent his wife an e-mail, but due to his haste, he made an error in the e-mail address.

His message, therefore, arrived at the home of an elderly preacherโ€™s wife whose even older husband had died only the day before.

When the grieving widow opened her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out an anguished scream, and fell to the floor dead.

Her family rushed to her room where they saw this message on the screen:

Dearest wife,

Departed yesterday as you know. Just now got checked in. Some confusion at the gate. Appeal was denied. Received confirmation of your arrival tomorrow.

Your loving husband.

PS. Things are not as we thought. Youโ€™re going to be surprised at how hot it is down here.

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A woman called an airline customer-service desk asking if it was possible to fly with her dog on board.

โ€œSure,โ€ the airline agent said, โ€œas long as you provide your own kennel.โ€

She continued to explain that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer was perplexed.

โ€œIโ€™ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!โ€

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