Train Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Train Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Train Jokes


An emergency call center worker has been fired in Toronto, much to the dismay of her colleagues, who were unhappy with her dismissal.

It seems that a caller dialed 911 from a cell phone stating, “I am depressed and lying on a railway line so that when the train comes, I can finally meet Allah.”

To which the call center employee replied, “Remain calm and stay on the line.”

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A group of engineers and computer scientists from the same university are attending a conference in the next town. They decide to take the train.

The engineers buy one ticket each. The computer scientists scratch their heads, pool their cash, and buy a single ticket.

The engineers think this is strange but watching computer scientists get in trouble should be fun.

The conductor comes around to get the tickets, and all the computer scientists disappear into the bathroom.

The conductor knocks on the bathroom door and says, “Ticket please.”

They slide the ticket under the door, pool their savings, have a few drinks and arrive at the conference in good form.

On the way home, the engineers buy a single ticket. The computer scientists pool their money and buy all the tickets except one. The engineers scratch their heads, but decide not to worry about it and head to the bar.

The conductor comes around, and the engineers pile into the bathroom.

The computer scientist without a ticket promptly walks over to the bathroom, knocks on the door and says, “Ticket please.”

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What do you call a little guy in a pointy hat on a train saying “tick, tick, tick”?

A metro-gnome.

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A high class looking woman sat down next to me on the train.

I took in a breath and asked aloud, “What’s that smell?”

She turned to me, looked down her nose and said, “Chanel, 500 dollars an ounce.” She turned away.

About 10 minutes later, I let out a silent fart.

She turns to me and asks, “What’s that smell?”

I say, “Broccoli, $1.49 a pound.”

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An American tourist walks out of a Mexican train station when he notices he isn’t wearing his watch.

A Mexican man is resting under a sombrero under a nearby tree.

The American approaches the Mexican and asks, “Excuse me, do you know what time is?”

The Mexican looks at the donkey, grabs its balls, and replies, “4:30.”

The American asks, “How do you know that?”

The Mexican replies, “Well you get a handful of the donkey’s balls and lift them up so you can see that clock across the street.”

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Pulled out a couple of nose hairs to see if it hurts.

Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train, it seems very painful.

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An American goes to the train station so he can start his big trip.

He notices there a machine with the indication: “Put a dollar in the slot and the machine will tell you who you are!”

Curious, he puts the dollar inside the slot and waits.

The machine suddenly sounds:

“You’re John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You’re about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago.”

The man blacked out with the machine’s ability.

So, he decided to trick the machine.

He wore a fake mustache and putted another dollar inside the slot.

“You’re John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You’re about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago,” says the machine.

“But it’s impossible!” screamed the man, acquiring a maniac need to trick the machine.

He ran to the toilet and disguised as an Arab.

Then, he did the same routine.

“You’re John Bull from New York, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall and 90 kilos. You’re about to take the 2.30 train to Chicago.”

Furious then, he disguises as a woman and puts the dollar as usual in the slot.

“You’re John Bull, an Accountant, 5.9 feet tall, 90 kilos and with your bullshits you... lost the train!”

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Two blondes were taking their first train trip to Warsaw on the train.

A vendor came down the corridor selling bananas that they’d never seen before.

Each bought one.

The first one eagerly peeled the banana and bit into it just as the train went into a tunnel.

When the train emerged from the tunnel, she looked across at her friend and said, “I wouldn’t eat that if I were you.”

“Why not?”

“I took one bite and went blind for half a minute.”

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What’s the difference between a teacher and a train?

The teacher says “Spit your gum out!” and the train says “Chew, chew!”

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Three guys are in the woods: a really smart guy, an average and a really dumb guy.

They are bored so the smart guy decides to go hunting.

A little while later he comes back with a deer.

The average guy asks, “How did you do that?”

The really smart guy says, “I see deer tracks, I follow deer tracks, I see deer and I shoot deer.”

The average guy says, “I think I understand,” and leaves.

A little bit later he comes back with a raccoon.

He really dumb goes gasp, “How did you do that!?”

And the average looks at him funny and says, “Well I see raccoon tracks, I follow raccoon tracks, I see raccoon and I shoot raccoon.

The super dumb guy thinks for a second and says, “Oooohh ok, I think I can do that…,” and leaves.

Hours pass and the guy finally returns hurt, bloody and horribly mingled. They run to help him.

Finally one of the guys asked him what happened.

This is what he said, “I see train tracks, I follow train tracks, I see train and I shoot train, but train keeps coming.

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