Enjoy our team's carefully selected Text Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
What’s a sheep’s favorite holy text?
The Baa-ble.
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A preschooler is asked to write the first sentence every member of his family said.
When he got home, he saw his mom on the phone. He asked her to say a sentence, but she yelled, “Shut up, I’m on the phone!” So, he wrote that down.
He then came into the living room and saw his dad watching a soccer game. The team he was rooting for had just scored the winning goal, so he shouted, “Yes, yes, yes!” The kid wrote that down.
He came upstairs and was going to enter his sister’s room, but he heard her planning a sleepover. He heard her say, “I’m going to stay the night and leave in the morning.” The kid wrote that down.
Next, he watched his brother play with an action figure, and when he picked up Batman, he said, “Dun nu nu nu nu Batman!” That was also written down.
Finally, he saw his little brother reading a book out loud. The first sentence he heard was, “The king’s throne.”
The next day, the teacher said, “Please tell me the first sentence that you wrote down.”
The kid shouted, “Shut up, I’m on the phone!”
The teacher was shocked.
She replied angrily, “Do you want to see the principal?!”
The kid didn’t hear her, so he said, “Yes, yes, yes!”
When the kid got sent to the principal’s office, he still had the paper in his hand.
The principal saw it and asked what was written down on it.
The kid answered, “Shut up, I’m on the phone!”
The principal said, “Excuse me? Who do you think you are?”
The kid continued reading, “Dun nu nu nu nu Batman!”
The principal was very angry and asked with anger, “How long do you want to be here, punk?”
The kid still continued to read, “I’m going to stay the night and leave in the morning.”
Now the principal was fuming, “Is there anywhere special you want to go?!”
The kid replied, “The king’s throne.”
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The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad.
It was tearable.
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In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it.
A student handed in his work with “The Magna Carta was signed in 1215” written 150 times.
The teacher asked the boy, “Why did you write this?”
The boy replied, “Because you always say that history repeats itself!”
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The wife tried to scare her husband by leaving him a breakup letter after he returned home late.
She left a note, saying:
I’ve had enough and have left you. Don’t bother coming after me.
Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.
After a short while, her husband comes home, and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.
She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.
After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.
“She’s finally gone... Yeah, I know... I’m coming to see you... Put on that nightgown I like... Love you... Can’t wait to see you...”
He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left.
She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.
Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes, she grabbed the note to see what he wrote.
“I can see your feet. We’re out of bread. Be back in five minutes.”
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Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign which reads, “You’re headed down a dark and dangerous path, turn back before it’s too late!”
The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later, a loud crash is heard.
One of the nuns thoughtfully says, “Sister, shall we just write ‘Attention, the bridge is demolished’?”
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It’s nearing the end of the semester at a prestigious university of philosophy.
The 100+ students wait eagerly for the professor to enter the auditorium and begin their final exam. They all have their notebooks out, as the final is open book.
The professor enters and, without saying a word, puts his chair on top of his podium.
He announces to the class, “Using everything that you know about philosophy, I want you to write an essay proving to me that this chair does not exist”.
The students begin furiously writing, all except one guy sitting in the far back. He writes something down, turns it in, and is gone in less than a minute.
A week passes and the students gather outside to view their grades, looking upon the posting in utter horror. Every one of them had failed the course... all except the one guy.
The students then gathered around him and asked him anxiously how he proved that the chair did not exist.
His reply:
“What chair?”
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My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life.
However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it’s an auto-biography.
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An English teacher was getting late for school on Teachers’ Day.
Suddenly, a cop pulled him over and asked for papers.
He gladly gave him all of his students’ essays to grade and drove off.
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Dear Father,
university i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on.
After receiving his son’s letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.
Dear David,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.
Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad
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When my ex-wife and I divorced, I handed her a letter saying, “Good job. Well done.”
I wanted things to end on a positive note.
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My history textbook says that the Pharaoh of Egypt used slaves to build the pyramids.
Which is kind of weird considering he could’ve just used bricks or something.
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A scientist is doing experiments on an ant.
He puts the ant on the table and says, “Walk, ant, walk!”
The ant walks to the other side of the table.
The man writes in his notepad: The ant with 6 legs walks.
He then proceeds to take one leg off the insect and repeats the same process.
“Walk, ant, walk!”
The ant walks slower but reaches the other side of the table.
The scientist writes in his notepad: The ant with 5 legs walks.
After repeating the process 4 more times, he takes off the final leg, puts it on the table, and says, “Walk, ant, walk!”
The ant doesn’t move, so he tries again, “Walk, ant, walk!”
Again, the ant doesn’t move, so he writes in his notepad: The ant with 0 legs becomes deaf.
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When asked to write an essay on what he was thankful for on Thanksgiving, Little Johnny wrote:
I am thankful I am not a turkey.
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The teacher told all students to write an essay on a cricket match.
All were busy writing, except Santa.
He wrote: Due To Rain, No Match.
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A physicist, a biologist, and a chemist take a vacation to the ocean.
The physicist was fascinated by the waves, so he walked into the ocean to do some research on the fluid dynamics of the waves. Obviously, he was drowned and never returned.
The biologist wanted to research the amazing flora and fauna of the ocean, so he walked into the water as well. He, too, never returned.
The chemist thought for a while, then noted in his lab notebook:
The physicist and the biologist are soluble in ocean water.
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An elderly man living alone in Manchester wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult to work since the ground was hard.
His only son, Paul, who used to help him, was in prison.
The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:
Dear Paul,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here, my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love
Dad
A few days later, he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried.
Love
Paul.
At 4 a.m. the next morning, CID officers and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
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What did the watermelon write on his Valentine’s card?
“You’re one in a melon!”
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A doctor is giving a talk at a symposium. Like any good public speaker, he wrote his speech out on notecards.
Unfortunately, when he gets up to the podium, he finds that he just can’t read his notes.
So, he says to the audience, “Is there a pharmacist in the house?”
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