Enjoy our team's carefully selected Summer Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
What do clams do on a summer vacation?
They shell-ebrate.
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What’s Irish and stays out all summer?
Paddy O’furniture.
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What do you call a bear that likes to spend his summers at the North Pole and his winters at the South?
A bi-polar bear.
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Who changes the season when Summer is over?
No one, it happens Autumnatically.
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What was the almond tree up to all summer?
Nuttin’.
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What is the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Their seasoning.
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What’s the secret to Jesus’ summer beach body?
Cross fit.
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Where do fish sleep in the summer?
On the seabed.
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I got really bad sunburn after falling asleep on my stomach at the beach.
I wanted emergency medical attention, but 911 never returned my call.
I guess they put it on the back burner.
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Many years ago in an Indian city-state there lived a very poor fisherman.
One day, he has an especially good haul and earned a glistening gold coin.
Elated but afraid to lose it, he decided he’d hide his treasure in the kingdom’s Northern wall between a crack in the bricks. He then returned home.
Months later, he finds that his pockets have run dry and desperately needs money for food.
Suddenly, he remembers the gold coin he hid and takes off towards the kingdom’s Northern wall in the blazing summer heat.
On his long run towards his hiding place, he passes the royal palace, where the king is relaxing idly on the balcony.
The king spots him and tells his guards, “This man should not be running in such heat. Fetch him for me, I want to learn of his purpose.”
The fisherman is brought before the king and explains what he is doing.
“No one should have to run in such heat. Here, take a gold coin and return home,” states the king.
The fisherman replies, “Thank you, but I would like to get the coin in the wall that I have earned, it means a lot to me.”
The king then offers two coins but gets the same response.
Perplexed at this man’s determination, he steadily raises his offer but to no avail.
Eventually, the king gets frustrated and cries out, “I will give you half my kingdom if you give up on this coin!”
The fisherman thinks for a minute and finally agrees.
The king, finally satisfied, leaves.
At the fisherman’s coronation ceremony days later, the king finally says, “It is time for you to receive half of this kingdom. What half of the kingdom do you desire?”
The fisherman replies, “The northern half.”
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Which is faster, heat or cold?
Heat, because you can catch a cold.
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It was so hot by the time I got home from buying eggs, I had twelve chicks in the bag.
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It is so hot that potatoes cook underground.
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It is so hot the trees are whistling for the dogs.
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It’s so hot that I saw a fire hydrant chasing a dog.
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It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
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It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
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It’s so hot that you can tell who has plastic surgery.
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It’s so hot that the soles of my shoes melted.
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It’s so hot that you can poach eggs in a pool.
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It’s so hot that the clams were already steamed when I dug them up.
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It’s so hot that firecrackers light themselves.
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It’s so hot that my clothes dried right after I took them out of the washing machine.
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It’s so hot that Satan went back to hell to cool down.
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It’s so hot that my popcorn seeds start popping.
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It’s so hot you need a spatula to remove your clothing.
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It’s so hot fire ants are really on fire.
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It’s so hot I saw a squirrel picking up nuts with pot holders.
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It’s so hot Siri asked to be dipped in a glass of ice water.
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It’s so hot in the Apple store because they have no Windows.
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It’s so hot my dream house in any house in Alaska.
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It’s so hot all the sand on the beach is now glass.
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It’s so hot my campfire lit itself.
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It’s so hot the catfish are already fried when you catch them.
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It’s so hot out that I baked lasagna in my mailbox.
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It’s so hot the frozen pizza I bought at the grocery store was ready to eat by the time I got home.
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It’s so hot out that I walked through a car wash to remember what rain felt like.
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It’s so hot, that you could actually cook a full English breakfast on my forehead.
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It’s so hot even the artificial flowers are dying.
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It’s so hot, I went outside for a smoke and the cigarette lit itself.
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It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
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It’s so hot that all the bread in the store is toast.
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It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
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It’s so hot you discover that you can get a sunburn through your car window.
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It’s so hot and humid outside, the air ironed the wrinkles out of my shirt.
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It’s so hot the cows are producing evaporated milk.
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It’s so hot my Iceberg lettuce melted.
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It’s so hot that I have taken to leaving the toilet seat up just to get those chilling, icy stares from my wife.
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Why do bananas use sunscreen?
So they don’t peel.
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Why don’t mummies ever take a summer vacation?
They’re afraid to unwind.
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What do you call a snowman in summer?
A puddle.
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Why doesn’t summer have any friends?
Because it’s not cool enough.
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What do snowmen do in summer?
Chillout.
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Why are mountains the funniest places to go for summer vacation?
Because they are hill-arious!
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Yo mama so poor she waves around a Popsicle and calls it air conditioning.
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Yo mama so hairy people wonder why she wears a fur coat to a nude beach.
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When we go to the beach with the kids, we use a really strong sunblock.
It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.
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There was a guy on the beach with about 25 gorgeous chicks swarming all around him.
Seeing this, a second guy strolls on up to him and asks, “What’s your secret?” The guy whispers, “All you gotta do is stick a pickle in your pants.”
In a flourish, the second guy runs off and stuffs a pickle in his pants.
But when he returns to the shore, he soon discovers that every single girl that looks his way, runs off screaming in bloody terror.
Confused, he hurries over to the first guy and desperately asks, “Why are all the girls running away from me?”
The first guy looks up and replies, “The pickle’s on the wrong side.”
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I asked my girlfriend if she’d like a day of eating ice cream and hanging out with her friends.
She said, “Yes!”
I said, “Good, because I’m breaking up with you.”
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A woman asks a waiter, “What is this fly doing in my Ice cream?!”
The waiter says, “Shivering, madam.”
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My wife asked me if I ate the ice cream she had in the freezer.
I told her no. I ate it on the couch.
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Just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream.
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Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.
Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.
“Wait a minute,” she said. “I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”
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Wife: “I dreamed you gave me $500 for summer clothes last night. You would not spoil that dream, would you, Dear?”
Husband: “Of course not, Darling. You may keep the $500.”
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Everyone during the summer tries to make sure they have an air conditioner.
But no one has any air shampoo.
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One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.
The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, “Who owns the property?”
The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.
The officer says, “I’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.”
The old gentleman says, “Well, you go right ahead, but whatever you do, don’t go into that field over yonder,” pointing out a fenced parcel of land.
The officer says, “Mister, I’m a law enforcement officer authorized by the federal government of our nation.”
Reaching into his pocket, he removes his badge and shoves it right in the old boy’s face, “You see my badge, buddy? This badge means that I’m allowed to go wherever I wish, anytime I wish. Do you understand me? No questions asked.”
The old gentleman nodded his head yes politely, softly apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old gentleman heard someone screaming in absolute terror, coming from where he’d told the officer not to go.
He looked over at the pasture and saw the officer running for his life, chased by a very angry bull.
With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it appeared likely that the policeman would be gored by the bull’s horns before he could reach safety.
Realizing the horrible danger that the policeman was in, the old gentleman ran to the field’s fence as fast as he could, determined to do whatever he could to help.
Reaching the edge of the pasture, the old gentleman quickly climbed to the top of the fence, waving his arms frantically, and screamed at the very top of his voice, “Your badge, officer, show him your BADGE!”
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I love summer in Canada!
It’s my favorite day of the year!
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Why did the teacher wear sunglasses in class?
Because the class was so bright!
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What does the sun drink out of?
Sun-glasses.
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Your mama so hot when she visits Antarctica locals call it summertime.
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A blonde, brunette, and redhead are in a desert.
The brunette says, “I brought some water so we don’t get dehydrated.”
The redhead says, “I brought some suntan lotion so we don’t get sunburned.”
Then the blonde says, “I brought a car door.”
The other girls ask, “Why did you bring that?”
The blonde says, “So I can roll down the window if it gets hot.”
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What's the sequel to Mario Sunshine?
Mario Sunburnt!
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What happens to pigs when they stay in the sun too long?
Turn into bacon.
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