Suicide Jokes



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Suicide Jokes


People call my obsession with the afterlife suicidal.

Truth be told, Iโ€™m dying to find out if there is life after death.

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Three men are working on a building site.

Everyday, they sit down to eat their lunch together at the top of the building.

The first man opens his lunchbox to reveal a ham sandwich.

โ€œBy god,โ€ the man exclaims, โ€œI hate ham sandwiches. Iโ€™ve been working in construction for twenty years, and everyday, despite me telling her how much I despise it, my wife gives me a ham sandwich. If I get a ham sandwich in my lunch again, I will throw myself off the top of this building and kill myself.โ€

The second man opens his lunchbox, revealing a cheese sandwich.

โ€œHoly crow, another cheese sandwich! I hate these things, I tell you. Everyday, I tell my wife how much I despise cheese sandwiches, but I still get them in my lunch. Iโ€™m with you buddyโ€”if I ever get a cheese sandwich in my lunch again, Iโ€™m killing myself.โ€

The third man, having opened his lunchbox, now pipes in.

โ€œI donโ€™t believe itโ€”another tuna sandwich! If I had a penny for every time Iโ€™ve told my wife how much I hate these, I wouldnโ€™t have to work on this sordid site no more! Iโ€™m sick of itโ€”count me in, if I get a tuna sandwich in my lunchbox again, Iโ€™m killing myself.โ€

The next day, the three men regroup at the top of the building and open their lunchboxes: the first man โ€“ a ham sandwich, the second โ€“ a cheese sandwich, the third โ€“ a tuna sandwich.

The three men exchange solemn looks before jumping in unison from the height of the building.

At the funeral for the three men, their grieving wives turn to each other.

โ€œIf only Iโ€™d known how much he didnโ€™t like ham sandwiches,โ€ says the first manโ€™s wife, โ€œI always thought he was being ironic!โ€

โ€œAnd if only Iโ€™d known how much he didnโ€™t like cheese sandwiches,โ€ says the second manโ€™s wife, โ€œI always thought he was being sarcastic!โ€

โ€œAnd if only Iโ€™d known how much he didnโ€™t like tuna sandwiches,โ€ says the third manโ€™s wife, โ€œbut I donโ€™t know what good it would have doneโ€”the fool made his own lunch!โ€

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What is the common thing between an entrepreneur and a suicide bomber?

Do the job well on the first try and they are set for life.

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How do you call a suicide bomber with Touretteโ€™s?

A ticking time bomb.

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How do you know all suicide bombers self identify as being old?

They are all boomers in the end.

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Did you hear about the influencer who became a suicide bomber?

At first he had barely any followers, but then he blew up.

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What do you call a suicide bomber that can tell the future?

A tarot-ist.

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Whatโ€™s suicide bombersโ€™ biggest fear?

Dying alone.

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A suicide bomber instructor says to his trainees, โ€œAlright men, Iโ€™m only going to show you this onceโ€.

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Where do suicide bombers go after they die?

Everywhere!

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A guy barges into a psychiatristโ€™s office and screams, โ€œDoctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!โ€

The doctor calmly answers, โ€œPay me in advance.โ€

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A man goes to a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian stares at him for a while, then asks, โ€œWhoโ€™s gonna bring it back?โ€

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Your mama so short she committed suicide by jumping off the curb.

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A brief rise in suicide is related to the Covid pandemic.

Murderers are working from home.

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