Jokes on Students

Enjoy our team's carefully selected Student Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!

Student Jokes

A preschooler is asked to write the first sentence every member of his family said.

When he got home, he saw his mom on the phone. He asked her to say a sentence, but she yelled, โ€œShut up, Iโ€™m on the phone!โ€ So, he wrote that down.

He then came into the living room and saw his dad watching a soccer game. The team he was rooting for had just scored the winning goal, so he shouted, โ€œYes, yes, yes!โ€ The kid wrote that down.

He came upstairs and was going to enter his sisterโ€™s room, but he heard her planning a sleepover. He heard her say, โ€œIโ€™m going to stay the night and leave in the morning.โ€ The kid wrote that down.

Next, he watched his brother play with an action figure, and when he picked up Batman, he said, โ€œDun nu nu nu nu Batman!โ€ That was also written down.

Finally, he saw his little brother reading a book out loud. The first sentence he heard was, โ€œThe kingโ€™s throne.โ€

The next day, the teacher said, โ€œPlease tell me the first sentence that you wrote down.โ€

The kid shouted, โ€œShut up, Iโ€™m on the phone!โ€

The teacher was shocked.

She replied angrily, โ€œDo you want to see the principal?!โ€

The kid didnโ€™t hear her, so he said, โ€œYes, yes, yes!โ€

When the kid got sent to the principalโ€™s office, he still had the paper in his hand.

The principal saw it and asked what was written down on it.

The kid answered, โ€œShut up, Iโ€™m on the phone!โ€

The principal said, โ€œExcuse me? Who do you think you are?โ€

The kid continued reading, โ€œDun nu nu nu nu Batman!โ€

The principal was very angry and asked with anger, โ€œHow long do you want to be here, punk?โ€

The kid still continued to read, โ€œIโ€™m going to stay the night and leave in the morning.โ€

Now the principal was fuming, โ€œIs there anywhere special you want to go?!โ€

The kid replied, โ€œThe kingโ€™s throne.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

Johnny was a preschool student who did not know grammar or math very well.

While in class, his teacher asked, โ€œWhatโ€™s 2+2?โ€

Johnny answered, โ€œI four-get.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

A rich Arab kid goes to Portugal to study, so his old man buys him a sports car to drive around.

A few days pass, and the father calls the son, โ€œHow's it going, son? Are you having fun with your car?โ€

โ€œNo, father. I am ashamed; everyone here gets around by train.โ€

โ€œDonโ€™t embarrass me, son. Buy yourself a train too.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

Chuck Norris assigns his teachers homework.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

A Sunday school teacher of preschoolers told her students that she wanted each of them to have learned one fact about Jesus by the next Sunday.

The following week, she asked each child in turn what he or she had learned.

Susie said, โ€œHe was born in a manger.โ€ Bobby said, โ€œHe threw the money changers out of the temple.โ€

Little Johnny said, โ€œHe has a red pickup truck but he doesnโ€™t know how to drive it.โ€

Curious, the teacher asked, โ€œAnd where did you learn that, Johnny?โ€

โ€œFrom my daddy,โ€ said Johnny. โ€œYesterday we were driving down the highway, and this red pickup truck pulled out in front of us and daddy yelled at him, โ€˜Jesus Christ! Why donโ€™t you learn how to drive?!โ€™โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test and said, โ€œJohnny, I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.โ€

Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.

โ€œWell,โ€ said Mr. Johnson, โ€œI was looking over your test and the question was, โ€˜Who was our first president?โ€™, and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put โ€˜George Washingtonโ€™, and so did you.โ€

โ€œSo, everyone knows that he was the first president,โ€ said Little Johnny with his eyes wide open.

โ€œJust wait a minute,โ€ said Mr. Johnson. โ€œThe next question was, โ€˜Who freed the slaves?โ€™. Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you.โ€

โ€œWell, I read the history book last night and I remembered that,โ€ said Johnny.

โ€œWait, wait,โ€ said Mr. Johnson. โ€œThe next question was, โ€˜Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?โ€™. Mary put โ€˜I donโ€™t knowโ€™, and you put, โ€˜Me neitherโ€™.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

A senator is visiting a primary school.

In one class, he asks the students if anyone can give him an example of a tragedy.

One little boy stands up and offers, โ€œIf my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street when a car came by and killed him, that would be a tragedy.โ€

โ€œNo,โ€ the senator says, โ€œthat would be an ACCIDENT.โ€

A girl raises her hand, โ€œIf a school bus carrying fifty children drove off a cliff, killing everyone insideโ€ฆ that would be a tragedy.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m afraid not,โ€ explains the senator. โ€œThat is what we would call a GREAT LOSS.โ€

The room is silentโ€”none of the other children dare volunteer.

โ€œWhat?โ€ asks the Senator, โ€œIsnโ€™t there anyone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?โ€

Finally, Little Johnny in the back raises his hand.

In a timid voice, he says, โ€œIf an airplane carrying a senator was blown up by a bomb, that would be a tragedy.โ€

โ€œMarvelous!โ€ the senator beams. โ€œAnd can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?โ€

โ€œWell,โ€ says Johnny, โ€œbecause it wouldnโ€™t be an accident, and it certainly wouldnโ€™t be any great loss.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

It was a regular day in first grade, and the teacher asked all the students to tell her something about what their parents do for a living.

Some kids knew and gave a good description, while others didnโ€™t really understand their parentsโ€™ jobs and gave vague descriptions or none at all.

When they got to Little Johnny, he stood up and said, โ€œMy dad cuts people in half.โ€

โ€œOh, really?โ€ asked the teacher with a smile, โ€œYou mean heโ€™s a magician?โ€

โ€œI donโ€™t know,โ€ said Johnny.

โ€œA surgeon, maybe?โ€ asked the teacher.

โ€œI donโ€™t know,โ€ repeated Johnny.

โ€œThen why do you think he cuts people in half?โ€ asked the confused teacher.

โ€œBecause I have two half brothers and three half sisters.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

Teacher: โ€œWhat are the seasons?โ€

Student: โ€œSalt, pepper, ginger...โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

Little Johnnyโ€™s chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

โ€œNow, class. Observe what happens to the two worms,โ€ said the professor, putting the first worm in the glass of water.

The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.

He then dropped the second worm in the whiskey glass. It writhed for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died.

โ€œNow kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?โ€ he asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, โ€œDrink whiskey and you wonโ€™t get worms!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

A Sunday school teacher decided to quiz her students about what they learned that year.

Sunday school teacher: โ€œOkay class... who can tell me what are some different names used when talking about God?โ€

Little Johnny: โ€œHallowed!โ€

Sunday school teacher: โ€œHallowed? How did you get that as an answer?โ€

Little Johnny: โ€œItโ€™s in the Lordโ€™s Prayer: Our Father who art in heaven, Hallowed be thy name...โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

A 6th-grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes, โ€œA wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?โ€

After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand.

With complete sincerity in his voice, he answered, โ€œA lawyer!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

The paper my student wrote on Tsar Ivan was so bad.

It was tearable.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

In history class, the teacher taught said the Magna Carta was signed in 1215 and to write an essay on it.

A student handed in his work with โ€œThe Magna Carta was signed in 1215โ€ written 150 times.

The teacher asked the boy, โ€œWhy did you write this?โ€

The boy replied, โ€œBecause you always say that history repeats itself!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

The teacher asks Little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

โ€œYes,โ€ he says, โ€œmy daddy taught me.โ€

โ€œCan you tell me what comes after three?โ€

โ€œFour,โ€ answers Little Johnny.

โ€œWhat comes after six?โ€

โ€œSeven,โ€ answers Little Johnny.

โ€œVery good,โ€ says the teacher. โ€œYour father did a very fine job. What comes after ten?โ€

โ€œA jack,โ€ answers Little Johnny.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

Two college students accidentally miss the math final exam.

The next day, they both went to plead with their professor. He was feeling pretty good that day so he allowed them to retake it. He told them to both come back tomorrow for an oral exam.

When they both showed up, he told one of them to wait outside while he tested the other. So one enters and the other puts his ear to the door to listen.

The professor begins asking the question, โ€œYou are riding in a train car and you get too hot. What do you do?โ€

The student replies, โ€œI open the window.โ€

โ€œOK. Now that window is 2 feet wide and 3 feet high. The train is traveling 50 mph going north and the wind is blowing at 15 mph due east. How long will it take for new air to replace the old air in the car?โ€

The student is clearly confused by this difficult question and just answers, โ€œI donโ€™t know.โ€

So the professor gives him an F, dismisses him, and calls in his friend.

He begins asking his friend, โ€œYou are riding in a train car and it gets too hot. What do you do?โ€

He says, โ€œI will take my jacket off.โ€ โ€œOK. But itโ€™s still too hot. What do you do?โ€

โ€œI take my shirt off.โ€

โ€œI understand but itโ€™s very, very hot.โ€

โ€œI will just get naked.โ€

โ€œOK. But there are people in the car who will see you get naked.โ€

โ€œWith all respect, professor,โ€ said the student, โ€œI donโ€™t care if my grandmother and my priest are there, thereโ€™s no way Iโ€™m opening that darn window!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

Why did the pun fail his English class?

He didnโ€™t use proper pun-ctuation.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

Donald MacDonald, from the Scottish Highlands, went to study Law at a renowned and austere English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there.

After he had been there a month, his old mother came to visit him.

โ€œAnd how do you find the English students, Donald?โ€ she asked.

โ€œMother,โ€ he replied, โ€œtheyโ€™re such terrible, noisy people... The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and wonโ€™t stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.โ€

โ€œOh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful, noisy English neighbors?โ€ she asked her son.

Donald replied enthusiastically, โ€œMother, I do nothing. I simply ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

Why doesnโ€™t an owl study for a test?

They prefer to wing it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

The phone rang in the principalโ€™s office.

Principal: โ€œHello?โ€

Caller: โ€œUmm, yes, hi, my son wonโ€™t be coming to school today because heโ€™s got the flu.โ€

Principal: โ€œOK, and who may I ask is speaking?โ€

Caller: โ€œUmm, my dad.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

โ€œThe word of the day is โ€˜contagiousโ€™,โ€ said the teacher. โ€œWho can use it in a sentence?โ€

Little Jenny stood up and said, โ€œMy dad has a cold and said itโ€™s contagious.โ€

The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.

Billy stood up and said, โ€œMiss, my mum has the flu, and I think itโ€™s contagious.โ€

Happy with Billyโ€™s response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.

Little Johnny stood up, โ€œMiss, my next door neighbor is painting his house with a 1-inch brush and my dad said itโ€™s going to take the contagious.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

I took a roofing class in college.

But all the content went right over my head.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

My teacher told me I couldnโ€™t make a joke about Uranus in class.

But hey, itโ€™s my orbit!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

What isย Harry Potterโ€™s favorite subject in school?


๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

A group of engineers and computer scientists from the same university are attending a conference in the next town. They decide to take the train.

The engineers buy one ticket each. The computer scientists scratch their heads, pool their cash, and buy a single ticket.

The engineers think this is strange but watching computer scientists get in trouble should be fun.

The conductor comes around to get the tickets, and all the computer scientists disappear into the bathroom.

The conductor knocks on the bathroom door and says, โ€œTicket please.โ€

They slide the ticket under the door, pool their savings, have a few drinks and arrive at the conference in good form.

On the way home, the engineers buy a single ticket. The computer scientists pool their money and buy all the tickets except one. The engineers scratch their heads, but decide not to worry about it and head to the bar.

The conductor comes around, and the engineers pile into the bathroom.

The computer scientist without a ticket promptly walks over to the bathroom, knocks on the door and says, โ€œTicket please.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

Why do Troy State students have such beautiful noses?

Theyโ€™re hand picked.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

The human brain is amazing.

It functions 24 hours a day, everyday since we were born and only stops when taking an exam.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

I have an archaeology exam tomorrow.

And it doesnโ€™t matter if I pass or fail because either way my futureโ€™s in ruins.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

My calculator stopped working mid-way through my exam.

I canโ€™t count on it anymore.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

Bit nervous about my maths exam.

Think my chances of passing it are 40-40.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

What did the mermaid wear to her math class?

An algae bra.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

Why was Harry Potter sent to the office?

Because he was cursing in class.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

Dear Father,

university i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.

With all my $tuff, I $imply canโ€™t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love, Your $on.

After receiving his sonโ€™s letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.

Dear David,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.

Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love, Dad

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

How did the geography student drown?

His grades were below C-level.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

Behind every successful student, there is a deactivated Facebook account.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

An engineering student designed a robot that would take his exams for him.

The other designed a robot that could cheat off the first robot.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, โ€œIt was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.โ€

Another said, โ€œNo, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.โ€

The last said, โ€œActually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

Two engineering students were crossing campus when one asked the other, โ€œWhere did you get such a great bike?โ€

The second engineer replied, โ€œWell, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, โ€œTake what you want.โ€

The second engineer nodded approvingly, โ€œGood choice, the clothes probably wouldnโ€™t have fit you.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

I couldnโ€™t figure out why my data wasnโ€™t coming out like my classmateโ€™s, until I realized I dropped a square root in the formula.

I put it back in and re-plotted the data. I saw a radical change.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, โ€œMy dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.โ€

โ€œVery good,โ€ said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, โ€œWe are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before theyโ€™re hatched.โ€

โ€œVery good,โ€ said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.

Next it was Barneyโ€™s turn to tell his story, โ€œMy dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whisky, a machine gun and a machete.โ€

โ€œGo on,โ€ said the teacher, intrigued.

โ€œAunt Karen drank the whisky on the way down to prepare herself; then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.โ€

โ€œGood heavens,โ€ said the horrified teacher, โ€œWhat did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?โ€

โ€œStay away from Aunt Karen when sheโ€™s been drinking.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

I donโ€™t trust freshmen algebra students.

Theyโ€™re always plotting something.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

A somewhat advanced society has figured out how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.

The pharmacist says, โ€œHereโ€™s a pill for English literature.โ€

The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

โ€œWhat else do you have?โ€ asks the student.

โ€œWell, I have pills for art history, biology and world history,โ€ replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks, โ€œDo you have a pill for math?โ€

The pharmacist says, โ€œWait just a moment,โ€ and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.

โ€œI have to take that huge pill for math?โ€ inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, โ€œWell, you know... math always was a little hard to swallow.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

Chocolate is like guns.

If you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

Yo mama so fat her school pictures were taken by a satellite.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

Little Ahmed is doing his biology homework.

He comes upon a question:

What separates the head from the body?

Ahmed answers:

The axe.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

I told my dad I couldnโ€™t believe Iโ€™d failed my biology exam.

He said, โ€œIโ€™m your mum!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

During a biology exam, a student has to list three pros of breast milk.

Heโ€™s unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:

โ€“ Contains all the nutrients a baby needs.

โ€“ Doesnโ€™t need heating.

But he still needs one more.

And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:

โ€“ Has great packaging.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

Why is it impossible for students to sleep 8 hours every day?

Because school is only 6 hours a day!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

Why did the student eat his homework?

Because he didnโ€™t have a dog.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

An accountancy student asks a partner to explain ethics in accountancy.

The partner thinks for a moment and relates the following, โ€œMr. Jones, one of our clients, came to see me last week and paid me his bill of ยฃ1,000 in cash. As he left I counted the notes and they came to ยฃ1,100.โ€

The student said, โ€œI see. The ethics question is โ€˜Do I tell the client?โ€™โ€

โ€œWrong answer! The question is โ€˜Do I tell my partner?โ€™โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

A mugger jumps out in front of a university student and shouts, โ€œYour money or your life!โ€

The student keeps walking and says, โ€œSorry mate, Iโ€™m a computer science student. I donโ€™t have either.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

A kid from Mississippi is on Harvard campus for the first time, he stops a student and asks, โ€œExcuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?โ€

The Harvard student replies, โ€œAt Harvard, you donโ€™t end a sentence with a preposition.โ€

The kid said, โ€œSorry about that. Can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

Teacher: โ€œTake a seatโ€.

Student: โ€œWhere do you want me to take it to?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

What would happen if you took the school bus home?

The police would make you bring it back!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

Who should be your best friend at school?

Your princi-pal!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

Why did Johnny take a ruler to bed?

Because he wanted to see how long he slept!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

Why did the boy eat his homework?

Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

My teacher always tells me to follow my dreams, but she wonโ€™t let me sleep in class.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„

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