Statistician Jokes

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Statistician Jokes

A statistician told a friend that he never took airplanes, โ€œI have computed the probability that there will be a bomb on the plane,โ€ he explained, โ€œand although this probability is low, it is still too high for my comfort.โ€

Two weeks later, the friend met the statistician on a plane.

โ€œHow come you changed your theory?โ€ he asked.

โ€œOh, I didnโ€™t change my theory, itโ€™s just that I subsequently computed the probability that there would simultaneously be two bombs on a plane. This probability is low enough for my comfort. So now I simply carry my own bomb.โ€

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My boss said to me, โ€œYou must be crazy! How can you issue a life insurance policy to a 108-year-old man?โ€

I said, โ€œAs you told me, I applied all the proper, stringent statistical tests. Not a single 108-year-old man has died in the last five years.โ€

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A statistics major was completely hung over the day of his final exam. It was a true/false test, so he decided to flip a coin for the answers.

The statistics professor watched the student the entire two hours as he was flipping the coinโ€ฆ writing the answerโ€ฆ flipping the coinโ€ฆ writing the answer.

At the end of the two hours, everyone else had left the final, except for the one student.

The professor walks up to his desk and interrupts the student, saying, โ€œListen, I have seen that you did not study for this statistics test, you didnโ€™t even open the exam. If you are just flipping a coin for your answer, what is taking you so long?โ€

The student replies bitterly (as he is still flipping the coin), โ€œShhh! I am checking my answers!โ€

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A statistician can have his head in an oven and his feet in ice, and he will say that on the average he feels fine.

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There was a statistics teacher who would always accelerate hard when driving through intersections and then slow down after passing through.

One day he drove a colleague to work who was noticeably uncomfortable with his driving.

The colleague asked, โ€œWhy do you always drive so fast through intersections?โ€

To which the statistics teacher responded, โ€œWell, statistically speaking, youโ€™re more likely to have an accident in an intersection, so I make sure to get through them as fast as possible!โ€

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