Enjoy our team's carefully selected Sport Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
A priest and a nun are having a tennis match.
The priest is very competitive, but canโt seem to bring his A-game to the nun who is clearly better.
After a volley from the nun, the priest misses and yells: โGoddamn it! I missed!โ, startling the nun.
She let it slip by and the match continues.
But alas, after a fierce back-hand from the nun, the priest misses and again yells: โGoddamn it! I missed!โ
โStop it!โ yells the nun. โYou canโt use the Lords name in vain like that!โ
The priest apologizes, โIโm sorry, sister. I swear to you, if I do it again, may God smite me with all his might.โ
โFair enough,โ grumbles the nun.
The match continues. Itโs going really well, but as fate may have it, the priest misses and slips another โGoddamn it! I missed!โ
Suddenly thick, dark clouds gather in the sky and with roaring thunder, a lightning bolt shoots down to the earth and vaporizes the nun into ashes...
A thundering voice emits from the skies, โDamn it! I missed!โ
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One day while jogging, a man noticed two tennis balls lying by the side of the road.
He picked the balls up, put them in his pocket and proceeded on his way.
Waiting at the cross street for the light to change, he noticed a beautiful blonde standing next to him and smiling.
โWhat are those big bulges in your running shorts?โ she asked.
โTennis balls,โ answered the man, smiling back.
โWow,โ said the blonde, looking upset. โThat must hurt. I once had tennis elbow and the pain was unbearable.โ
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Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.
His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.
โIncredible!,โ says his friend.
โMedical science is amazing!โ
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.
Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.
โIncredible!,โ says his friend.
โMedical science is amazing!โ
Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.
Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his friend but canโt find him.
He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, โDoc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday.โ
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, โOh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.โ
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I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and chess, but I stopped after my son broke my PlayStation.
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A first-grade teacher canโt believe her student isnโt hepped up about the Super Bowl.
โItโs a huge event. Why arenโt you excited?โ
โBecause Iโm not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,โ says the student.
โWell, thatโs a lousy reason,โ says the teacher. โWhat if your parents were morons? What would you be then?โ
โThen Iโd be a football fan.โ
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The computer programmer to his son:
โHere, I brought you a new basketball.โ
Son:
โThank you, daddy, but where is the userโs guide?โ
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Whatโs brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
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How did the blonde die at the baseball game?
She drowned during the wave.
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Why donโt orphans play baseball?
They donโt know where home is.
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What does a baseball player do when he loses his eyesight?
Become an umpire.
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My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.
One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles.
He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5 pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.
After awhile he tried 10 pound potato sacks, then 50 pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100 pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute.
Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.
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At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, โDo you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?โ
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
โDo you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?โ
The little boy nodded yes.
โSo,โ the coach continued, โIโm sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldnโt argue, curse, or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?โ
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, โAnd when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, itโs not good sportsmanship to call your coach โa worthless idiotโ is it?โ Again the little boy nodded.
โGood,โ said the coach. โNow go over there and explain all that to your parents.โ
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The moon is just a football Chuck Norris kicked up when he was a kid.
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Football is a game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while 50,000 people who really need the exercise sit in the stands and watch them.
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Coach: โYour roommate and the captain of the team reported that you have many bad words for me in your sleep! So do you abuse me in your sleep!โ
Football Player: โCoach, It is just not true!โ
Coach: โWhat is not true, I trust the captain and I am asking this in front of him!โ
Football player: โCoach, It is untrue that I was sleeping!โ
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When I got to work Monday, I was limping something awful. My boss noticed and asked me what had happened.
I told him, โOh, nothing. Itโs just an old football injury that acts up once in a while.โ
My boss eyed me suspiciously and said, โGee, I never knew you played football.โ
I said, โWell, I donโt. I hurt it yesterday when I lost $100 on New York Jets. I put my foot through the television...โ
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Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards.
Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
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I burned 2000 calories today. I fell asleep while baking pizza in the oven.
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Why donโt fish like playing basketball?
They are terrified of nets.
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I hate when Iโm on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
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Guess why football stadiums are so cool?
Most seats have a fan on them!
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Why shouldnโt you pick a green alien for your baseball team?
Theyโre not ripe yet.
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You so dumb, you have to stop during track workouts to ask for directions.
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How do you know when you're on a Jewish golf course?
The players donโt yell โFore!โ they yell โ$3.99!โ.
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What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.
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Why are hockey players like goldfish?
You could tap on the glass and youโd get their attention.
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Itโs game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court.
He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there.
He responds, โNo, the seatโs empty.โ
The first man exclaims, โWhat?! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?โ
The neighbor responds, โWell the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we havenโt been together.โ
The first man responds,โ Iโm sorry to hear that. Wasnโt there anyone else, a friend or relative, that couldโve taken that seat?โ
The neighbor responds, โNo, theyโre all at the funeral.โ
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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
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An apartment building is on fire and a woman screams out the window for help.
โJust jump out the window,โ a man yells. โIโm a baseball player. I can catch you.โ
โWait,โ she says. โWhat team do you play for?โ
โThe Cincinnati Reds,โ shouts the man.
โEhhhh,โ shrugs the woman. โIโll take my chances with the fire.โ
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Why does a pitcher raise one leg when he throws the ball?
If he raises them both, heโd fall down.
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Why do golfers prefer a birthday donut over a birthday cake?
Because there is a hole in one.
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