Enjoy our team's carefully selected Sport Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Golfer: โDo you think my game is improving?โ
Caddy: โYes sir, you miss the ball much closer now.โ
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When Thompson hit seventy, he decided to change his lifestyle completely so that he could live longer.
He went on a strict diet, he jogged, he swam, and he took sunbaths.
In just three months, Thompson lost thirty pounds, reduced his waist by six inches, and expanded his chest by five inches.
Svelte and tan, he decided to top it all off with a sporty new haircut. Afterward, while stepping out of the barbershop, he was hit by a bus.
As he lay dying, he cried out, โGod, how could you do this to me?โ
And a voice from the heavens responded, โTo tell you the truth, Thompson, I didnโt recognize you.โ
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A small boy tells his mum that his dadโs taken him on an outing to the zoo. His mum doesnโt believe him.
โYour dad has never taken anyone to the zoo in his whole life,โ she says.
โWell he did,โ the boy replies, โand one of the animals paid us ยฃ50.โ
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A jockey is talking to the trainer ahead of the race.
โYou got to ride him to win,โ the trainer says, โbecause Iโve got a monkey on this horse, and so has my wife.โ
โWill there be any room for me?โ the jockey asks.
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My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.
One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles.
He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.
After a while he tried 10-pound potato sacks, then 50-pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute.
Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.
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When I got to work Monday, I was limping something awful. My boss noticed and asked me what had happened.
I told him, โOh, nothing. Itโs just an old football injury that acts up once in a while.โ
My boss eyed me suspiciously and said, โGee, I never knew you played football.โ
I said, โWell, I donโt. I hurt it yesterday when I lost $100 on New York Jets. I put my foot through the television...โ
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An apartment building is on fire and a woman screams out the window for help.
โJust jump out the window,โ a man yells. โIโm a baseball player. I can catch you.โ
โWait,โ she says. โWhat team do you play for?โ
โThe Cincinnati Reds,โ shouts the man.
โEhhhh,โ shrugs the woman. โIโll take my chances with the fire.โ
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Why do football players struggle at bowling?
Because they had a hard time kicking the ball!
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Why are football players not allowed in bowling alleys?
After getting a strike, they spike the ball.
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Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?
She always ran away from the ball.
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How does Tom Brady have a bad haircut before every game?
He always asks for the Super โBowl Cutโ.
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Yo mama so fat, she played basketball with the Death Star.
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Why do cops that play basketball like donuts the most?
Because they love to dunk them.
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Yo mama so stupid, she brought a spoon to the Superbowl.
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The computer programmer to his son: โHere, I brought you a new basketball.โ
Son: โThank you, daddy, but where is the userโs guide?โ
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At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, โDo you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?โ
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
โDo you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?โ
The little boy nodded yes.
โSo,โ the coach continued, โIโm sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldnโt argue, curse, or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?โ
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, โAnd when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, itโs not good sportsmanship to call your coach โa worthless idiotโ is it?โ Again the little boy nodded.
โGood,โ said the coach. โNow go over there and explain all that to your parents.โ
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The moon is just a football Chuck Norris kicked up when he was a kid.
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Football is a game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while 50,000 people who really need the exercise sit in the stands and watch them.
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Coach: โYour roommate and the captain of the team reported that you have many bad words for me in your sleep! So do you abuse me in your sleep!โ
Football Player: โCoach, It is just not true!โ
Coach: โWhat is not true, I trust the captain and I am asking this in front of him!โ
Football player: โCoach, It is untrue that I was sleeping!โ
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Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards.
Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
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Why donโt fish like playing basketball?
They are terrified of nets.
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Guess why football stadiums are so cool?
Most seats have a fan on them!
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Itโs game 7 of the NBA finals and a man makes his way to his seat at center court.
He sits down and notices that the seat next to him is empty.
He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone is sitting there.
He responds, โNo, the seatโs empty.โ
The first man exclaims, โWhat?! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the NBA finals and not use it?โ
The neighbor responds, โWell the seat is mine, but my wife passed away and this is the first NBA finals we havenโt been together.โ
The first man responds,โ Iโm sorry to hear that. Wasnโt there anyone else, a friend or relative, that couldโve taken that seat?โ
The neighbor responds, โNo, theyโre all at the funeral.โ
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Have you ever seen how they throw the ball into the crowd after winning the game?
I found out that this is frowned upon in bowling.
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Youโre so short, that you had to use a toothpick to compete in the javelin.
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You are so short, that you can do push-ups underneath a closed door.
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Your mamaโs so short, that she does pull-ups on a staple.
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You need to understand the difference between want and need.
Like I want abs, but I need donuts.
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Yo mama so fat, people jog around her for exercise.
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I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and chess, but I stopped after my son broke my PlayStation.
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I burned 2000 calories today. I fell asleep while baking pizza in the oven.
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I hate when Iโm on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to get off and eat a grilled bacon and cheese sandwich.
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You so dumb, you have to stop during track workouts to ask for directions.
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What is Spider-Manโs favorite sport?
Fly fishing.
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What is the 7th pin in bowling called?
Mother-In-Law!
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Why is bowling a better sport than golf?
Itโs hard to lose a bowling ball.
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Whatโs the best way to watch a fishing tournament?
By live stream.
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The gym instructor broke up with his girlfriend, guess what happened?
It didnโt work out.
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What does the gym instructor say after having loads of desserts?
โI donut care anymore.โ
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Which side of a racehorse has more hair?
The outside.
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What does a baseball player do when he loses his eyesight?
Become an umpire.
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Why shouldnโt you pick a green alien for your baseball team?
Theyโre not ripe yet.
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How do you know when you're on a Jewish golf course?
The players donโt yell โFore!โ they yell โ$3.99!โ.
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What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.
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Why are hockey players like goldfish?
You could tap on the glass and youโd get their attention.
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Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
In case he got a hole in one.
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Why does a pitcher raise one leg when he throws the ball?
If he raises them both, heโd fall down.
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Why do golfers prefer a birthday donut over a birthday cake?
Because there is a hole in one.
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A first-grade teacher canโt believe her student isnโt hepped up about the Super Bowl.
โItโs a huge event. Why arenโt you excited?โ
โBecause Iโm not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,โ says the student.
โWell, thatโs a lousy reason,โ says the teacher. โWhat if your parents were morons? What would you be then?โ
โThen Iโd be a football fan.โ
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Whatโs brown and very bad for your dental health?
A baseball bat.
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Why donโt orphans play baseball?
They donโt know where home is.
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Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing.
The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green.
Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.
Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard.
Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole.
The old manโs turn comes and he drives the ball.
The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish.
As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish.
As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one.
Jesus looks at Moses and says, โI really think Iโm leaving Dad at home next time!โ
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Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.
Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing.
Confused, he asks them why theyโre happy.
They tell him, โWell, weโre so sick of the cold where weโre from, and this place is nice and toasty.โ
Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hellโs boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadiansโ room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down.
He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue.
Furiously, he asks them what theyโre doing.
โWell, we canโt pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!โ
Satan realizes heโs been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until itโs at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows heโs won now, so he goes back to the Canadiansโ room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, โWHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!โ
They look at him and shout at the same time, โHell froze over! That means the Leafs won!โ
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A priest and a nun are having a tennis match.
The priest is very competitive, but canโt seem to bring his A-game to the nun who is clearly better.
After a volley from the nun, the priest misses and yells: โGoddamn it! I missed!โ, startling the nun.
She let it slip by and the match continues.
But alas, after a fierce backhand from the nun, the priest misses and again yells: โGoddamn it! I missed!โ
โStop it!โ yells the nun. โYou canโt use the Lordโs name in vain like that!โ
The priest apologizes, โIโm sorry, sister. I swear to you, if I do it again, may God smite me with all his might.โ
โFair enough,โ grumbles the nun.
The match continues. Itโs going really well, but as fate may have it, the priest misses and slips another โGoddamn it! I missed!โ
Suddenly thick, dark clouds gather in the sky and with roaring thunder, a lightning bolt shoots down to the earth and vaporizes the nun into ashes...
A thundering voice emits from the skies, โDamn it! I missed!โ
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Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm.
His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his chum and finds him playing tennis.
โIncredible!,โ says his friend.
โMedical science is amazing!โ
Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off.
Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached.
The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.
โIncredible!,โ says his friend.
โMedical science is amazing!โ
Well, another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head.
Well, his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached.
The next day he goes to see his friend but canโt find him.
He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, โDoc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday.โ
The doctor thinks for a minute and says, โOh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.โ
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