Spelling Jokes

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Spelling Jokes

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, β€œIn English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”

But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, β€œYeah, right.”

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Whose cruel idea was it for the word β€˜lisp’ to have β€˜s’ in it?

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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, The British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would become known as β€œEuro-English”.

In the first year, β€œs” will replace the soft β€œc”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard β€œc” will be dropped in favour of β€œk”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome β€œph” will be replaced with β€œf”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent β€œe” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing β€œth” with β€œz” and β€œw” with β€œv”.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary β€œo” kan be dropd from vords kontaining β€œou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united Europ vil finali kum tru. Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

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A man from Peru decided to visit America, although he spoke no English.

Upon reaching it, one of the first things he did was go into a department store.

He found his way to the menswear department, where a young lady offered to help him.

β€œQuiero calcetines (I want socks),” said the man.

β€œI don’t speak Spanish, but we have some very nice suits over here,” said the salesgirl.

β€œNo, no quiero trajes, quiero calcetines (No, I don’t want suits, I want socks),” said the man.

β€œWell, these shirts are on sale this week,” declared the salesgirl.

β€œNo, no quiero camisas, quiero calcetines (No, I don’t want shirts, I want socks),” repeated the man.

β€œI still don’t know what you’re trying to say. We have some fine pants on this rack,” offered the salesgirl.

β€œNo, no quiero pantalones, quiero calcetines (No, I don’t want pants, I want socks),” insisted the man.

As they passed the underwear counter, the man spotted a display of socks and happily grabbed a pair.

Holding them up, he proclaimed, β€œEso sΓ­ que es (Now that’s it)!”

β€œThen why didn’t you just spell it in the first place?!” yelled the salesgirl.

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Me: β€œHello, 911? I want to report a hit-and-run.”

Dispatcher: β€œWhat was the make and model of the vehicle?”

Me: β€œIt was a Lamborghini Silhouette.”

Dispatcher: β€œHow do you spell that?”

Me: β€œHuh!? Sorry, I mean it was a BMW Z4.”

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How does a dyslexic person spell β€œbaldy”?


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Had an encounter with a dyslexic witch.

I am safe because she couldn’t spell.

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Why was the book of incantations useless?

Because the author failed to do a spell-check.

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What isΒ Harry Potter’s favorite subject in school?


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When you are stressed you eat ice cream, cake, chocolate and sweets because stressed spelled backward is desserts.

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What word in the dictionary is spelled incorrectly?


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After several attempts to get the customer service agent on the phone to understand his name, my Asian-American friend Appappa decided to spell it out.

β€œA for apple,” he began, β€œP for pineapple, p for pineapple, a for apple, p for pineapple, p for...”

The flustered agent interrupted, β€œI have a better idea,” she said, β€œjust tell me how many apples and how many pineapples.”

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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee.

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Did you know that you only need two letters to spell panda?

You just need P and A.

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Why do Polish people have ski at the end of their names?

Because they can’t spell toboggan.

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Pepito is writing a composition and asks his father, β€œDad, how do you spell mobile phone?”

Father: β€œHow it sounds.”

Pepito: β€œAnd if it is in vibrate mode?”

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A mummy calls a restaurant.

β€œHello, I’d like to reserve a table for the pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.”

β€œCould you spell it out, please?” said the voice from the restaurant.

β€œOf course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal’s head, and a scarab.”

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Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.

Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

β€œHoly cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath, β€œYou scared us half to deathβ€”we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”

β€œThose fools!” the old man grumbled. β€œThey misspelled my name!”

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Cop Cuisine Point to Ponder:

Do cops like doughnuts better when they’re spelled Do-Nuts?

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”


β€œSpell, who?”

β€œOkay, okay: W. H. O.”

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