Enjoy our team's carefully selected Smoking Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
I was going to smoke a turkey this Thanksgiving.
But they banned flavored vapes.
😄 😄 😄
A 911 operator gets a call.
“911, what’s your emergency?” the operator asks.
“I’m smoking,” replied a middle-aged woman.
“Sorry, ma’am, but you shouldn’t be calling 911. Please contact an expert, if you need help,” the operator hangs up the phone.
The phone rings again.
“911, what’s your emergency?” the operator asks again.
“I’m smoking,” replied the same woman.
“Sorry, ma’am, but you should not be calling 911. You are aware you called us just now, correct?”
Woman: “Yeah.”
“Well, then please do not call us unless you have a proper emergency. Thank you,” the operator hangs up the phone.
The phone rings again.
“I swear to god, if it’s that woman, I’m going to have a seizure,” the operator mumbles under his breath.
“911, what’s your emergency?” the operator asks again.
“I’m smoking,” replied the same woman.
“Excuse me, but you know it’s a crime for prank calls like this, right? Please contact an expert if you have problems with any smoking issues,” he hangs up the phone.
It rings again, with the same number.
The operator, clearly infuriated, picks up the phone, “YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO CALL THIS NUMBER IF YOU DON’T HAVE AN EMERGENCY!”
Woman: “Sorry, but...”
Operator: “NO BUTS! IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SMOKING, PLEASE CONTACT AN EXPERT! DO YOU HAVE AN ACTUAL EMERGENCY?!”
“Yes, I do.”
“What is it, then?!”
“I’m on fire.”
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What does a dyslexic Mexican smoke?
Tabasco.
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I know I know, smoking’s bad for me and all.
But my mama told me never to be a quitter.
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A husband was addicted to smoking and drinking.
One day, his wife got so angry that she told him, “If you keep on smoking, all of your intestines will fall out.”
Her husband didn’t believe her, so he kept on smoking and drinking, just like he always did.
His wife was determined to prove herself right, so one day she went out early in the morning and bought some big intestines. She stuffed them in her husband’s underwear as he slept.
A short while later, he woke up, let out a huge scream, and then fell silent for the next 30 minutes.
After another 30 minutes of silence, he comes downstairs, sweating profusely. “What happened?” asked the wife.
“You were right! My intestines did come out, but don’t worry, honey, after a lot of work, I finally managed to push them back in.”
😄 😄 😄
What did the daddy chimney say to the baby chimney?
“You are to little to smoke!”
😄 😄 😄
I was helping my apiarist friend smoke her bees.
They’re not as good as tobacco, but I love the aftertaste.
😄 😄 😄
My teeth were stained, so the dentist asked me, “Do you smoke or drink coffee?”
I told him I drink it.
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What should you give a pumpkin who can’t quit smoking?
A pumpkin patch.
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It’s so hot, I went outside for a smoke and the cigarette lit itself.
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I told my Dr. I only smoke once every blue moon...
The problem is my refrigerator is full of them.
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Perfect Boyfriend:
· Does not drink.
· Does not smoke.
· Does not cheat.
· Does not exist.
😄 😄 😄
You are the only person that can smoke a cigarette in the rain with your hands tied on your back.
Your nose is like a natural canopy.
😄 😄 😄
