Smart Jokes



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Smart Jokes


My doctor says I have narcissistic personality disorder.

But that’s impossible, as the smartest man alive I think I would have noticed.

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A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.

He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK.

She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said:

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

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What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?

A spelling bee.

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Roses are red, violets are blue.

Your phone is smart, so why aren’t you?

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Who profits the most on Black Friday?

The folks who were smart enough to stay home.

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Bison Theory

A herd of bison can only move as fast as the slowest bison, much like the brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.

The slowest bison are the sick and weak so they die off first, making it possible for the herd to move at a faster pace. Like the bison, the weak, slow brain cells are the ones that are killed off by excessive beer drinking and socializing, making the brain operate faster.

The moral of the story: Drink more beer, it will make you smarter.

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Did you know that porcupines are one of the smartest animals on Earth?

Yeah, that’s right, science has proven them to be pretty sharp.

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At the marketplace, a seller advertises β€œ1 lettuce for $3, 3 lettuces for $10”.

A customer passing by stops and speaks with the seller.

Customer: β€œThat’s not right!”

Seller: β€œWhat do you mean?”

Customer: β€œWell, that’s not an offerβ€”3 lettuces cost $9.”

Seller: β€œNo, sir, it says here that 3 lettuces cost $10.”

Customer: β€œI know, but if I buy 1 lettuce, how much do I pay?”

Seller: β€œ$3.”

Customer: β€œAnd if I buy 2?”

Seller: β€œ$6.”

Customer: β€œYes, because 3+3=6, now what about 3+3+3?”

Seller: β€œThat makes 9.”

Customer: β€œSo, 3 lettuces cost $9.”

Seller: β€œNo sir, they cost $10, it’s written just over there, on that board.”

The client can’t fathom such a stubbornness in another human being and proceeds to prove his point to the seller.

Customer: β€œHere, let me buy a lettuce.”

Seller: β€œThat will be $3, sir.”

Customer: β€œNow, I’d like one more lettuce.”

Seller: β€œThat will be $3 again, sir.”

Customer: β€œFinally, let me buy one last lettuce.”

Seller: β€œThat will also be $3, sir.”

Customer: β€œHow much did I pay you those 3 lettuces?”

Seller: β€œ$3+$3+$3, your paid $9.”

Customer: β€œSee? 3 lettuces are worth $9, not $10, you won’t sell many lettuces if you do it this way.”

Seller: β€œYes sir, I almost sold all my stock to people like you wanting to prove they’re smarter than me by buying 3 lettuces they don’t need, just to make sure they are superior. My technique works! Besides, I can overprice those lettuces to $3 and no one bats an eye!”

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Where do you smart hot dogs go?

On the honor role.

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What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

There have been sightings of UFOs.

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Yo momma is so dumb she makes Gungans look smart.

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Why did M&M go to University?

Because he wanted to be a Smartie.

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Why are spiders so smart?

They can find everything on the web.

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