Jokes About Sleep



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Sleep Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Sleep Jokes


What do you call a sleep walking Nun?

A Roaminโ€™ Catholic.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Yo sister so ugly her pillow cries at night.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the registeredย nurse tiptoe past the medicine room?

Because she didnโ€™t want to wake up the sleeping pills.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy?

It was the wicked witch of rest.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When the red panda got tired, it decided to take a koala-ty nap.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A husband was addicted to smoking and drinking.

One day, his wife got so angry that she told him, โ€œIf you keep on smoking, all of your intestines will fall out.โ€

Her husband didnโ€™t believe her, so he kept on smoking and drinking, just like he always did.

His wife was determined to prove herself right, so one day she went out early in the morning and bought some big intestines. She stuffed them in her husbandโ€™s underwear as he slept.

A short while later, he woke up, let out a huge scream, and then fell silent for the next 30 minutes.

After another 30 minutes of silence, he comes downstairs, sweating profusely. โ€œWhat happened?โ€ asked the wife.

โ€œYou were right! My intestines did come out, but donโ€™t worry, honey, after a lot of work, I finally managed to push them back in.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man sitting at a bar after work shares with the bartender why he is looking so stressed, โ€œIโ€™m not sleeping well. I have nightmares about a monster under my bed, and I am too embarrassed to seek help.โ€

A patron nearby overhears this and introduces himself, โ€œI overheard your story, and I am a psychiatrist. Maybe I can help. The first thing is you recognize these are only dreams, and that is obvious, so I should be able to help you in a few sessions. Hereโ€™s my card, give me a call.โ€

A few weeks pass and the same two are once again at the bar after work.

The psychiatrist says to the other guy, โ€œHi, how goes the nightmares? I never heard from you, so I hope you are doing okay.โ€

The other guy says, โ€œThings are great, the bartender helped me.โ€

Psychiatrist, โ€œThe bartender helped you? You needed a trained professional to help you, what possibly could a bartender do that a psychiatrist couldnโ€™t?โ€

The other guy says, โ€œHe told me to saw the legs off my bed.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why is March through May the best time of the month to buy a mattress?

Itโ€™s when they are the most springy.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Girls say Iโ€™m an animal in bed. More specifically a koala.

I can sleep for 22 hours in a row.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How do you start a Mexican bedtime story?

Juans upon a time.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did The Joker have to sleep with his lights on?

Because he was afraid of the Dark Knight.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why are tall people always so well rested?

Because they sleep longer in bed.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


โ€œWhy are you using our daughter as a guitar?โ€ my wife asked.

โ€œYou told me to rock her to sleep,โ€ I replied.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My dragon is asleep.

Heโ€™s now dragoff.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleep on the sofa.

I said that it made me feel manly like I was camping.

With a really angry bear somewhere close by...

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An elderly woman went into the pharmacy. When the pharmacist asked why she was there, she replied, โ€œIโ€™d like to have some birth control pills.โ€

Taken aback, the pharmacist thought for a minute and then said, โ€œExcuse me, Mrs. Smith, but youโ€™re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?โ€

The woman responded, โ€œThey help me sleep better.โ€

The pharmacist thought some more and continued, โ€œHow in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?โ€

The woman said, โ€œI put them in my granddaughterโ€™s orange juice and I sleep better at night.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.

The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.

He explains, โ€œI ask you a question, and if you donโ€™t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.โ€

Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now agitated, says, โ€œOkay, if you donโ€™t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I donโ€™t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.โ€

This catches the blondeโ€™s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. โ€œWhatโ€™s the distance from the earth to the moon?โ€

The blonde doesnโ€™t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

โ€œOkay,โ€ says the lawyer, โ€œyour turn.โ€

She asks the lawyer, โ€œWhat goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?โ€

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.

The blonde says, โ€œThank you,โ€ and turns back to get some more sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, โ€œWell, whatโ€™s the answer?โ€

Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How do you get a baby alien to sleep?

You rocket!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Your mama so short she sleeps in a mini house.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Scarlett Johansson is on a plane that crashes on a remote island.

She and some regular guy are the only two survivors.

They make the best of their situation, scavenge what supplies they can from the plane, and try to keep going.

They build a little hut on the beach andโ€”both of them having certain โ€œneedsโ€โ€”eventually start hooking up.

This keeps going as months turn into years and they fall in love.

One day she notices he looks depressed.

Scarlett says to him, โ€œListen, that plane crash was the best thing that ever happened to me because it means that the two of us are together. If there is anything at all I can do to cheer you up, please let me know.โ€

He tells her, โ€œActually, there is something. Put on a set of my clothes and tuck your hair up under one of my hats. Rub mud on your face so it looks like a beard and start walking down the beach.โ€

Scarlett thinks this is weird but, wanting to make him happy, goes along with it.

Once she gets about 200 yards down she turns around and sees her boyfriend running up to her shouting, โ€œBRO! BRO! Youโ€™ll never believe who Iโ€™m sleeping with!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Guess what you call a sleeping piece of paper?

A napkin.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The toast was having a sleepover. Guess what he was wearing?

His favorite pa-jam-as.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I like working from home.

Itโ€™s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the elf put his bed in the fireplace?

Because he wanted to sleep like a log.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Husband whispers to wife as theyโ€™re going to sleep, โ€œGood night, mother of six.โ€

โ€œGood night, father of one,โ€ she replies.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Coach: โ€œYour roommate and the captain of the team reported that you have many bad words for me in your sleep! So do you abuse me in your sleep!โ€

Football Player: โ€œCoach, It is just not true!โ€

Coach: โ€œWhat is not true, I trust the captain and I am asking this in front of him!โ€

Football player: โ€œCoach, It is untrue that I was sleeping!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why is it impossible for students to sleep 8 hours every day?

Because school is only 6 hours a day!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.

โ€œDoctor, I just canโ€™t get to sleep at night,โ€ he says.

โ€œHave you tried counting sheep?โ€ inquires the doctor.

โ€œThatโ€™s the problem. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Usually, when kids go to sleep they sleep with a teddy bear.

Chuck Norris sleeps with an actual bear.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My teacher always tells me to follow my dreams, but she wonโ€™t let me sleep in class.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Mrs. Lewis, a Sunday school teacher, asked her little children one Easter Sunday, as they were on the way to the church service, โ€œAnd why is it necessary to be quiet in church?โ€

Rebecca, a bright little girl piped up, โ€œBecause people are sleeping!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like the rest of the folks in his car.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldnโ€™t help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate.

Reading his momโ€™s thoughts, his son volunteered, โ€œI know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates.โ€

About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, โ€œEver since your mother came to dinner, Iโ€™ve been unable to find the silver plate. You donโ€™t suppose your mother took it, do you?โ€

He said, โ€œWell I doubt it, but I'll email her just to be sure!โ€

He sat down and wrote:

Dear mom,

After you visited me, the silver plate has been missing. Iโ€™m not saying that you did take the silver plate from my house, and Iโ€™m not saying that you donโ€™t take it, but the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love

Your son

Several days later, he received an email from his mother which read:

Dear Son,

Iโ€™m not saying that you do sleep with your roommate, and Iโ€™m not saying that you donโ€™t sleep with her, but the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under her pillow.

Love

Mom

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.

After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

โ€œWatson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.โ€

Watson replied, โ€œI see millions of stars.โ€

โ€œWhat does that tell you?โ€

Watson pondered for a minute.

โ€œAstronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

What does it tell you, Holmes?โ€

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke:

โ€œWatson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


















© 2022-2023 jokes.best