Enjoy our team's carefully selected Sleep Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where Saint Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Ralph.”
Ralph was stunned, “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”
St Peter said, “I’m sorry, but there’s only one way you can go back, and that is as a lesser being—an animal.”
Ralph was devastated, but begs St Peter to send him to a farm near his home.
The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past, “So you’re the new hen, huh? How’s your first day here?”
“Not bad,” replied Ralph the hen, “but I have this strange feeling inside, like I’m going to explode.”
“You’re ovulating,” explained the rooster. “Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before!”
“Never,” said Ralph.
“Well, just relax and let it happen,” says the rooster. “It’s no big deal.”
Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg. His joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard his wife yell, “RALPH, wake up! You crapped the bed!”
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What do you call a sleeping werewolf?
An unaware-wolf.
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Where do fish sleep in the summer?
On the seabed.
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Guns sleep with Chuck Norris under their pillow.
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When Superman gets ready for bed, he puts on his Chuck Norris pajamas.
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Before he goes to sleep, the boogey man checks under his bed for Chuck Norris.
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Chuck Norris doesn’t sleep.
He waits.
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What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?
Yammies.
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What’s the difference between a beautiful night and a horror night?
Beautiful night is when you hug your teddy bear and sleep.
Horror night is...
When your teddy bear hugs you BACK.
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Deep sleep prevents aging.
Especially when you are driving.
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Why do diabetics always have nightmares?
They can’t have sweet dreams.
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911 operator: “911, what’s your emergency?”
Me: “Hi, I need to report a kidnapping. My son is taking a nap in my room right now.”
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What do you call a sleep walking Nun?
A Roamin’ Catholic.
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Yo sister so ugly her pillow cries at night.
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Why did the registered nurse tiptoe past the medicine room?
Because she didn’t want to wake up the sleeping pills.
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Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy?
It was the wicked witch of rest.
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When the red panda got tired, it decided to take a koala-ty nap.
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A husband was addicted to smoking and drinking.
One day, his wife got so angry that she told him, “If you keep on smoking, all of your intestines will fall out.”
Her husband didn’t believe her, so he kept on smoking and drinking, just like he always did.
His wife was determined to prove herself right, so one day she went out early in the morning and bought some big intestines. She stuffed them in her husband’s underwear as he slept.
A short while later, he woke up, let out a huge scream, and then fell silent for the next 30 minutes.
After another 30 minutes of silence, he comes downstairs, sweating profusely. “What happened?” asked the wife.
“You were right! My intestines did come out, but don’t worry, honey, after a lot of work, I finally managed to push them back in.”
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A man sitting at a bar after work shares with the bartender why he is looking so stressed, “I’m not sleeping well. I have nightmares about a monster under my bed, and I am too embarrassed to seek help.”
A patron nearby overhears this and introduces himself, “I overheard your story, and I am a psychiatrist. Maybe I can help. The first thing is you recognize these are only dreams, and that is obvious, so I should be able to help you in a few sessions. Here’s my card, give me a call.”
A few weeks pass and the same two are once again at the bar after work.
The psychiatrist says to the other guy, “Hi, how goes the nightmares? I never heard from you, so I hope you are doing okay.”
The other guy says, “Things are great, the bartender helped me.”
Psychiatrist, “The bartender helped you? You needed a trained professional to help you, what possibly could a bartender do that a psychiatrist couldn’t?”
The other guy says, “He told me to saw the legs off my bed.”
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What did the polar bears say when they saw tourists in sleeping bags?
Mmmm, sandwiches!
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Why is March through May the best time of the month to buy a mattress?
It’s when they are the most springy.
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Girls say I’m an animal in bed. More specifically a koala.
I can sleep for 22 hours in a row.
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How do you start a Mexican bedtime story?
Juans upon a time.
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Why did The Joker have to sleep with his lights on?
Because he was afraid of the Dark Knight.
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Why are tall people always so well rested?
Because they sleep longer in bed.
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“Why are you using our daughter as a guitar?” my wife asked.
“You told me to rock her to sleep,” I replied.
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My dragon is asleep.
He’s now dragoff.
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My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleep on the sofa.
I said that it made me feel manly like I was camping.
With a really angry bear somewhere close by...
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A woman took a nap on New Year’s Eve.
When she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year’s present. What do you think it all means?”
He replied, “Aha, you’ll know tonight!”
At midnight, her husband handed her a small gift-wrapped present.
Excited, she opened it quickly, but was even more surprised: In it was a book titled “The Meaning of Dreams”.
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What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?
A dinosnore.
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I dreamed last night that I was making pancakes whilst driving along a twisty road.
I tossed and turned all night.
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Two drunk guys walk into a hotel.
Skippering one word after another, they finally manage to make themselves understood by the girl at the reception.
“So you want the cheapest double room we have, right? The only free one is on the 100th floor, but the elevator is broken.”
The two guys, in order not to spend the night sleeping on a bench, load their luggage and leave for the staircase.
Since one hundred floors, drunk and with heavy bags is a really tough challenge, they decide to tell a joke every five floors.
When they reach the fiftieth floor, one of them starts laughing.
“What happened? Have you remembered a very good joke?” asks the first.
“This joke is just so hilarious! Actually, it’s so good that I’ll save it for later!” answers the second guy.
When they reach the 75th floor, the same guy bursts laughing even harder.
“Are you okay? Are you still thinking about that joke from earlier?” asks worried the first.
“Yeah, but this one is soooooo good, I’ll save it for when we finish,” answers the other guy.
Finally, exhausted and tired, they reach the 100th floor.
Panting, the first boy asks, “So, what is this joke that has tormented you so much?”
Still breathless, the other replies, “Hey, do you remember the girl who was at the reception? Here, we left before she gave us the keys.”
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An elderly woman went into the pharmacy. When the pharmacist asked why she was there, she replied, “I’d like to have some birth control pills.”
Taken aback, the pharmacist thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you’re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?”
The woman responded, “They help me sleep better.”
The pharmacist thought some more and continued, “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?”
The woman said, “I put them in my granddaughter’s orange juice and I sleep better at night.”
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A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game.
The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He explains, “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa.”
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, “Okay, if you don’t know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don’t know the answer, I will pay you $500.00.”
This catches the blonde’s attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to the moon?”
The blonde doesn’t say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
“Okay,” says the lawyer, “your turn.”
She asks the lawyer, “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?”
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.00.
The blonde says, “Thank you,” and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, “Well, what’s the answer?”
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
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How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
You rocket!
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Your mama so short she sleeps in a mini house.
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Guess what you call a sleeping piece of paper?
A napkin.
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The toast was having a sleepover. Guess what he was wearing?
His favorite pa-jam-as.
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I like working from home.
It’s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.
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Why did the elf put his bed in the fireplace?
Because he wanted to sleep like a log.
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Husband whispers to wife as they’re going to sleep, “Good night, mother of six.”
“Good night, father of one,” she replies.
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I have decided to pursue my dreams... good night!
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What’s the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long, sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.
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Coach: “Your roommate and the captain of the team reported that you have many bad words for me in your sleep! So do you abuse me in your sleep!”
Football Player: “Coach, It is just not true!”
Coach: “What is not true, I trust the captain and I am asking this in front of him!”
Football player: “Coach, It is untrue that I was sleeping!”
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Why is it impossible for students to sleep 8 hours every day?
Because school is only 6 hours a day!
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Wife: “I dreamed you gave me $500 for summer clothes last night. You would not spoil that dream, would you, Dear?”
Husband: “Of course not, Darling. You may keep the $500.”
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An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
“Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night,” he says.
“Have you tried counting sheep?” inquires the doctor.
“That’s the problem. I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”
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Usually, when kids go to sleep they sleep with a teddy bear.
Chuck Norris sleeps with an actual bear.
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My teacher always tells me to follow my dreams, but she won’t let me sleep in class.
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Mrs. Lewis, a Sunday school teacher, asked her little children one Easter Sunday, as they were on the way to the church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
Rebecca, a bright little girl piped up, “Because people are sleeping!”
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I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming like the rest of the folks in his car.
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson decide to go on a camping trip.
After dinner and a bottle of wine, they lay down for the night, and go to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?”
Watson pondered for a minute.
“Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.
Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.
Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.
Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant.
Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke:
“Watson, you idiot! Someone has stolen our tent!”
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What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
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