Enjoy our team's carefully selected Sickness Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
September is Alzheimer’s awareness month.
Did anyone else forget?
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Did you hear about the people who were sick in June from eating bacon past its use-by date?
It was mayhem.
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What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?
They stay in Quran-tine.
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What do you call an Italian mosquito?
Malario.
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What is a prize old people can win for aging?
Atrophy.
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A cop stops a driver for swerving in and out of lanes on the highway. He directs the man to blow into a breathalyzer.
Man: “I’m afraid I can’t do that, officer.”
Cop: “What’s the harm?”
Man: “Because I have asthma. If I blow into that tube, I might have an asthma attack.”
Cop: “All right, we’ll just get a urine sample at the station.”
Man: “I can’t do that, officer.”
Cop: “What’s the harm?”
Man: “Because I have diabetes. If I pee in a cup, I might get low blood sugar.”
Cop: “All right, we’ll take a blood sample.”
Man: “I can’t do that, officer.”
Cop: “What’s the harm?”
Man: “Because I have hemophilia. I could die if I give blood.”
Cop: “All right, just walk this white line.”
Man: “I can’t do that, officer.”
Cop: “What’s the harm?”
Man: “Because I’m drunk.”
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What’s the worst part about going to the doctor and being diagnosed with diabetes?
You don’t get a lollipop afterward.
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Why do diabetics always have nightmares?
They can’t have sweet dreams.
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What did Santa get the day after Christmas?
Diabetes.
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How do you know the NASA scientists are wrong to say it is possible to live on Mars?
Some people tried it and now they are 15 kg heavier and diabetic.
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What was the trickiest question on a diabetes website?
It asked if I would accept cookies.
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Why can’t diabetics have vengeance?
Because vengeance is sweet.
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What do you call an astronomer with the stomach flu?
A gastrophysicist.
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I have a joke about the flu...
But I hope you don’t get it.
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A man visits a friend recovering from the flu that had him bedridden for weeks.
Surprisingly, the friend says it’s been a happy and wonderful experience.
“How so?” asks the man.
Friend: “Well, I’ve found out how much my wife loves me and how pleased she is to have me home.”
Man: “How do you know?”
Friend: “Well, every time the postman, the milkman or the dustman comes by, she runs out shouting ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’.”
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Why did the flu virus go to the theater?
It heard the play was infectious.
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Why did the flu go to the art exhibit?
It heard there was a lot of culture there.
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Why was the flu feeling down?
It didn’t feel like it was being taken snot-seriously.
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What do you call a flu that became a musician?
Achoo-bacca.
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Why don’t flu viruses use social media?
They prefer going viral in person.
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Why did the influenza virus break up with its girlfriend?
She was too cold to him.
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I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
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A guy’s wife and kids all came down with the flu.
Upon returning home from the doctor’s office with his four kids, he turned his attention to his ailing wife.
After preparing some chicken soup for her, he picked up the phone to call her doctor.
The receptionist picked up, and he related the situation to her.
She then told him that the office was going to be closed for a couple of days, but that his wife could have an appointment in 3 days.
He went ballistic and yelled into the phone, “Three days?! The doctor can’t see her for three days?! She could be dead by then!” Calmly, the voice at the other end of the line replied, “If so, would you please call to cancel the appointment?”
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Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.
But the virus was as fast as lightning.
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As a doctor, I feel uncomfortable making jokes about people who refuse to take flu vaccines.
But let me give it a shot.
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You should get your flu vaccination.
It’s worth a shot.
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The patient went to his doctor because he had flu, and the doctor wrote out a prescription for him in his usual illegible writing.
The patient put it in his pocket, but forgot to get the tablets from the pharmacy.
Every morning, for two years, he showed it to the conductor as a railroad pass. Twice, it got him into the movies, once into the soccer stadium, and once into the symphony. He got a raise at work by showing it as a note from his boss. One day he mislaid it.
His daughter picked it up, played it on the piano and won a scholarship to the conservatory of music.
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What do you call a flying pig?
Swine flu.
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A man walks up to the pearly gates.
Saint Peter asks, “How did you get here?”
The man answers, “Flu.”
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How did the pig get out of the tree?
The swine flu.
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I became ill after taking self-defense classes.
I think I caught Kung Flu.
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When my mother died, all my father said was “cough, fatigue, fever”.
He’s a man of flu words.
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The bird developed an illness.
I think it started when the bird flu.
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Did you hear about the pig who got sick after catching a flight?
Swine flu.
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What does a sick ninja practice?
Kung flu.
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What does a nut with the flu sound like?
CAAAASHEW!
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They said when pigs fly...
But the swine already flu.
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What is the most common illness in China?
Kung Flu.
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How did the flu become so popular?
They promoted it using an influenza.
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What do you call a unicorn who got a flu shot?
An immunicorn.
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As an MD, I gave my mother’s sister a flu shot.
Does that make me an auntie-vaxxer?
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Why do people think vampire always have the flu?
Because they be coffin all day.
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Doctor: “How’s the flu medicine going for you? I know it’s a little bitter.”
Patient: “No, the medicine’s fine, can’t even taste anything when I take it.”
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What do you call a person who has flu but does not isolate themselves and is very active on social media?
Influen(zer).
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Doctors hate this one easy trick to lose 15 lbs fast!
The flu.
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Friend: “Where were you?”
Me: “I got sick and had to rush to the doctor.”
Friend: “Flu?”
Me: “Nah, just drove really fast.”
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The flu is kinda like my last girlfriend.
Lasted for 2 weeks and got it from my best friend.
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What mountaintop is infamous for making climbers disappear?
Peak Aboo.
And which one gives them a flu?
Peak Achoo.
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My neighbor uses a wood stove, but lately he’s had the flu and been too sick to chop his own wood.
Do you think it would be a nice gesture to go chop some firewood for him?
Axeing for a friend.
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The phone rang in the principal’s office.
Principal: “Hello?”
Caller: “Umm, yes, hi, my son won’t be coming to school today because he’s got the flu.”
Principal: “OK, and who may I ask is speaking?”
Caller: “Umm, my dad.”
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When I told my parents my wife had come down with the flu, my dad said, “Well, have you tried euthanasia?”
In the background, I could hear my mom yell, “For the last time, Henry, it’s pronounced ‘Echinacea!’, ‘Echinacea!!!’.”
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A pig goes to the doctor with swine flu.
The doctor gives him a leaflet for a therapeutic spa and tells him to go straight there.
When he gets there, he’s instructed to lay in a shallow bath of salt and sugar.
He chuckles to himself and thinks, “What’s this supposed to do, cure me!”
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John thought he could never catch an illness.
When his co-worker asked him if he ever gets sick, he would always say “The day I become ill will be the day pigs fly”.
A few months later, it finally happened.
The swine flu.
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“Doctor, Doctor, I think I’ve got the swine flu.”
“Here’s an oinkment to make it better.”
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They ran out crying ‘bird flu’!!!
I looked up and couldn’t see any, I’m sure they were lying.
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Outbreak: New strain of bird flu discovered!!!
It’s called Chirpies.
It’s a canarial disease.
It’s untweetable.
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The bird flu is pretty nasty.
Luckily, it’s tweetable.
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What’s the first sign that you have caught bird flu?
Fowl symptoms.
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Did you hear that the pope got the bird flu?
Apparently he got it from a cardinal.
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What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires a tweetment and one requires an oinkment.
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Dispatcher: “911, what is your emergency?”
Caller: “Yeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn... I think I’m going to pass out.”
Dispatcher: “Sir, where are you calling from?”
Caller: “I’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.”
Dispatcher: “Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?”
Caller: “No.”
Dispatcher: “What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?”
Caller: “Running from the police.”
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My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me.
“She obviously has COVID,” my wife said.
“Why?” I asked.
My wife replied with a sneer, “Because she has no taste.”
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Registered nurse: “Sorry for the wait!”
Man: “It’s alright, I’m patient.”
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To her credit, the registered nurse that prepped my father for his vasectomy was very gentle and pretty sure she didn’t mean to be unkind.
But he didn’t think it was very nice of her to say, “Just a little prick, sir.”
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Why should you always be kind to registered nurses?
Remember that they choose your catheter size.
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What did the registered nurse say to the medicine maker when he got sick?
“Let me give you a taste of your own medicine.”
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Why did the registered nurse bring a ladder to work?
To take care of high blood pressure.
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Morals:
1. Money is not everything. There’s also MasterCard & Visa.
2. One should love animals. They are tasty too.
3. Save water. Drink beer.
4. Studying is healthy. So leave it for the sick.
5. Books are holy. So don’t touch them.
6. Every one should marry because happiness is not the only thing in life...
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What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
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What do you give a panda when it is sick?
Pandadol.
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Why do the employees get sick on Labor Day weekend?
Weakened immune system.
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What’s the most common disease in HR departments?
Staff infections.
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What sickness did the minion get while travelling?
Yellow fever.
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Where do sailors go when they feel sick?
The dock-tor.
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Did you know that during childbirth there is a point where the lady experiences such excruciating pain that for a moment
she almost knows how bad it is to be a man who has the flu.
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Where is the flu most common?
In cities with high levels of congestion.
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I caught bird flu while waiting for a flight at the airport.
I have since found out it is a terminal illness.
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It’s the cold and flu time of year.
Or, as I like to call it, Vitamin C-son.
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What do you call someone doing yoga with the flu?
Sick and twisted.
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Did you hear about the bird flu?
I mean, I don’t know why it’s such a big deal. They tend to do that quite often.
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Bird flu.
Bird landed.
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A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill.
He goes to see his doctor and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.
The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
“This is your doctor. We’ve had the results back from your tests, and we’ve found you have an extremely nasty flu virus, which is extremely contagious!”
“Oh my gosh!” cries the man. He’s in a panic now. “What are you going to do, doctor?”
“Well, we’re going to put you on a diet of pancakes and pita bread.”
“Will that cure me?” asked the man, hopefully.
The doctor replied, “Well, no, but... it’s the only food we can get under the door.”
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I shouldn’t have had that leftover sushi.
I’m feeling a bit eel.
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There’s a great new machine at my gym.
I felt sick after I’d used it for an hour, but it’s got everything: Doritos, Snickers, Mountain Dew...
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If bats could talk, what would they say about the coronavirus?
Now you know how it feels to have your world turned upside down!
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Why did America fail to save the world from coronavirus?
Thor is in Asgard.
Iron Man died.
Captain is now old.
Hulk doesn’t have much power.
The rest of the Avengers are suffering from Corona.
And China ate Spider-Man and Batman.
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What is the only thing that can cure a sick donut?
An antidought!
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A person at the store asked me if doughnuts are healthy.
I don’t know, but I never met a sick one in my entire life.
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Friend 1: “You’re working from home because of the coronavirus?”
Friend 2: “I’m working from home because I don’t have a real job. We are not the same.”
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If you’re working on a desktop or laptop, make sure to put on a mask.
You wouldn’t want to catch one of those computer viruses.
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I was sick and told my mom I had a runny nose.
She told me, “You should tell it to walk instead.”
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I don’t like people who do not cover their mouths and noses when they sneeze.
These people make me sick.
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Your mama so old when she was born the Dead Sea was just getting sick!
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