Short Clean Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Short Clean Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Short Clean Jokes


What did the skydiver say in autumn?

I love the fall.

😄 😄 😄


If you ever name your kid Autumn...

Whenever they go out of the room, start singing “The Autumn Leaves...”.

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Why do trees drop their leaves in the fall?

It’s autumn-atic.

😄 😄 😄


National Pride Day should be September 21.

September 22 is the first day of Autumn, and as everyone knows, pride goes before a fall.

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A girl named Autumn tried to prank me.

I didn’t fall for it!

😄 😄 😄


What’s the difference between an architect and an engineer?

If architects built all the buildings, they would fall down on their own.

If engineers built all the buildings, they’d be so ugly, we’d tear them all down.

😄 😄 😄


Software architects should never design high-security fences.

They’re likely to make them highly scalable.

😄 😄 😄


Lawyer: “Everybody hates lawyers until they need one.”

Architect: “Everybody loves architects until they need one.”

😄 😄 😄


I’ve been watching this anime about dentists. But it’s been getting boring.

I’m a little tired of the filler episodes.

😄 😄 😄


Dog: “Where are you going?”

Ant: “My step brother—the elephant—has met with an accident. Since we have the same blood group, I am going to donate some blood for him.

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Once some hunters were after an elephant. The elephant didn’t know what to do.

He met an ant on the road and told him his problem.

Ant said, “Don’t worry. Just hide behind me!”

😄 😄 😄


An ant approaches an elephant and asks, “Would you like to play?”

“Sure,” replies the elephant.

“So, what’s your favorite game?” the ant inquires.

“Squash,” says the elephant.

😄 😄 😄


Why can’t you take a picture with a cat in Alabama?

You can’t take a picture with a cat anywhere. You have to use a camera!

😄 😄 😄


How long does it take to get from Louisiana to Alabama?

One Mississippi.

😄 😄 😄


My brother just broke the record by downing 22 jets.

He’ll forever be remembered as the worst mechanic in the Air Force.

😄 😄 😄


Which country has the worst air force?

Turkey. None of them can fly.

😄 😄 😄


“How long has your unit been broken?” says the specialist.

“Two weeks,” says the customer.

“Why did you wait so long?” says the specialist. This hot weather is no joke.”

“My in-laws were here,” said the customer. “They wanted to stay for a month.”

😄 😄 😄


A man went viral after making a TikTok video describing how to keep cool without any air conditioning.

He has a lot of fans.

😄 😄 😄


What is the propeller used for on an airplane?

Many people do not know this, but is actually for air conditioning.

If you ever get to see it when the propeller stops, the pilot suddenly starts sweating.

😄 😄 😄


Have you heard about the new game getting released?

It’s AI is 20 years ahead of it’s time, the graphics are truly real life, it has an open world concept where anything you want to do is truly possible.

It’s called “Go outside and ride your bike!”.

😄 😄 😄


My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life.

However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.

I guess you can say it’s an auto-biography.

😄 😄 😄


Who were the first people in Australia to have a six-pack?

The Ab-originals.

😄 😄 😄


An Australian aborigine owns a boomerang that will not return to him no matter how many times he throws it.

Frustrated, he seeks assistance from the witch doctor.

When the witch doctor asks where he obtained the boomerang, the aborigine says it was from a souvenir shop on Ayer’s Rock.

The witch doctor says, “You bloody fool, didn’t you see the sign by the cash register that says ‘NO RETURNS’.”

😄 😄 😄


Did you know that someone tried contacting the aboriginals in Australia via smoke signal?

But the line was always busy.

😄 😄 😄


The policeman told me he was chasing a man with one leg.

I told him to use both, he would get him faster.

😄 😄 😄


My friend went bankrupt after inventing a sandal for people with only one leg.

It was a flop.

😄 😄 😄


On Teachers’ Day, why did the student gift his Maths teacher a flight ticket to New York City?

To visit his favorite spot, Times Square.

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A teacher walks into a bar with his friends on Teachers’ Day evening and says, “Can I have a beer.”

The barman says, “I don’t know, can you?”

😄 😄 😄


Where did the vampire teacher throw the Teachers’ Day party?

In Pencilvania.

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On the occasion of Teachers’ Day, the teacher was having a casual chat with his students.

Teacher: “Neil, what do you want to be when you grow up?”

Neil: “Sir, I want to be just like you.”

Teacher, impressed: “And why is that?”

Neil: “Because even I love doing nothing.”

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Teacher: “Class! We will have only half a day of school this morning due to Teachers’ Day.”

Class: “Hooorraaaayyy!”

Teacher: “We will have the other half, this afternoon.”

😄 😄 😄


How was the cyclops so effective that she was awarded the best teacher award on Teachers’ Day?

She only had one pupil!

😄 😄 😄


An English teacher was getting late for school on Teachers’ Day.

Suddenly, a cop pulled him over and asked for papers.

He gladly gave him all of his students’ essays to grade and drove off.

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How is Teachers’ Day, a day of rest?

The rest of the laundry, the rest of the housework, and grading the rest of the papers.

😄 😄 😄


Why was the teacher late for school on Teachers’ Day?

She took the Rhombus.

😄 😄 😄


I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college.

Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

😄 😄 😄


My girlfriend has an OnlyFans account and it’s doing really well.

I just have to figure out how to break the news to her.

😄 😄 😄


Why do brides cry at the wedding?

Because they never marry the best man.

😄 😄 😄


A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”

And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”

😄 😄 😄


What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary?

Get married on his birthday!

😄 😄 😄


I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”

She said, “Somewhere I have never been!”

I told her, “How about the kitchen?”

😄 😄 😄


The new Ford F-150 comes with a heated tailgate.

That way you can keep your hands warm when you’re pushing it home in the winter!

😄 😄 😄


My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.

I told him, “My door is always open!”

😄 😄 😄


What happened after the mom purchased a loaf of bread from Albertsons?

By the time she got home, it was toast!

😄 😄 😄


Why do women like men with beards?

Because they immediately see something that they can change!

😄 😄 😄


Why don’t men with beards need a vacuum?

Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.

😄 😄 😄


Many years ago Chuck Norris and a brown bear had a fight.

The loser had to go live in the North Pole.

😄 😄 😄


Usually, when kids go to sleep they sleep with a teddy bear.

Chuck Norris sleeps with an actual bear.

😄 😄 😄


From a passenger ship one can see a bearded man on a small island who is shouting and desperately waving his hands.

“Who is it?” a passenger asks the captain.

“I have no idea. Every year when we pass, he goes mad like that.”

😄 😄 😄


An onion just told me a joke.

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.

😄 😄 😄


Last night, I changed a light bulb, crossed a road, walked into a bar and chatted with an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.

That’s when I realized my entire life is a joke...

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I know a lot of jokes in sign language and I guarantee you that no one has ever heard them.

😄 😄 😄


President Roosevelt once rode his horse 100 miles.

Chuck Norris carried his the same distance in half the time.

😄 😄 😄


A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Hey.”

The horse said, “Nah, just beer, please. I just ate.”

😄 😄 😄


A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asked him, “Why the long face?”

😄 😄 😄


A mugger jumps out in front of a university student and shouts, “Your money or your life!”

The student keeps walking and says, “Sorry mate, I’m a computer science student. I don’t have either.”

😄 😄 😄


It was the first day of school.

Harry’s mother went into his bedroom and said, “Come on Harry, get up now. You have to go to school today.”

“But I don’t want to go to school,” replied Harry, “I want to stay in bed. Why do I have to go to school?”

“Because,” answered his mother, “you’re a teacher!”

😄 😄 😄


Teacher: “Take a seat”.

Student: “Where do you want me to take it to?”

😄 😄 😄


What would happen if you took the school bus home?

The police would make you bring it back!

😄 😄 😄


Who should be your best friend at school?

Your princi-pal!

😄 😄 😄


Why did Johnny take a ruler to bed?

Because he wanted to see how long he slept!

😄 😄 😄


Dear Students,

I know when you are texting in class. No one just looks down at their crotch and smiles.

😄 😄 😄


What do you do when no one laughs at your science jokes?

Keep trying until you get a reaction.

😄 😄 😄


Why did the boy eat his homework?

Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.

😄 😄 😄


Teachers deserve a lot of credit.

Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldn’t need it.

😄 😄 😄


There was a statistics teacher who would always accelerate hard when driving through intersections and then slow down after passing through.

One day he drove a colleague to work who was noticeably uncomfortable with his driving.

The colleague asked, “Why do you always drive so fast through intersections?”

To which the statistics teacher responded, “Well, statistically speaking, you’re more likely to have an accident in an intersection, so I make sure to get through them as fast as possible!”

😄 😄 😄


In high school, teachers had to raise their hand to speak to Chuck Norris.

😄 😄 😄


The judge rose from the bench and said, “Madam, I’ve waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court.”

Then he smiled as he said, “Now, sit down at that table and write 500 times ‘I will not pass through a red light.’”

😄 😄 😄


My teacher always tells me to follow my dreams, but she won’t let me sleep in class.

😄 😄 😄


I said to my teacher, “I don’t think I deserved a zero for this exam.”

She said, “I agree, but I couldn’t give you any less.”

😄 😄 😄


What’s the difference between a teacher and a train?

The teacher says “Spit your gum out!” and the train says “Chew, chew!”

😄 😄 😄


Boss: “Do you believe in life after death?”

Employee: “No, because there is no proof of it.”

Boss: “Well there is now!”

Employee: “How?”

Boss: “When you left yesterday saying that you have to go to your uncle’s funeral, your uncle came here looking for you after you left.”

😄 😄 😄


My boss says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.

😄 😄 😄


Chuck Norris is so powerful that when he goes fishing, the fish are so scared they drown.

😄 😄 😄


Why don’t fish like playing basketball?

They are terrified of nets.

​

😄 😄 😄


Math teacher: “James, what do you get when you subtract 897 from 1824 and add 176 and divide the answer by 3?”

James: “A Headache ma’am.”

😄 😄 😄


I complained to my math teacher that it was too cold in the classroom.

He told me to stand in the corner. Because the corner is 90 degrees.

😄 😄 😄


Never fight a math teacher. You’ll always be outnumbered.

😄 😄 😄


85% of people in America don’t know basic math.

Thanks God I’m from the other 25%.

😄 😄 😄


Why don’t Romans find algebra interesting?

X is always 10.

😄 😄 😄


Dear math,

Please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.

Thanks!

😄 😄 😄


I was going to buy a pocket calculator.

But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have.

😄 😄 😄


Dear Math,

I am sick and tired of finding your “x”. Just accept the fact that she’s gone. Move on dude.

😄 😄 😄


My ex-girlfriend is like the square root of -1,... she’s imaginary.

😄 😄 😄


How do you make a small fortune out of horses?

Start with a large fortune.

😄 😄 😄


A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet.

“Will I be able to race this horse again?” he asks.

The vet replies: “Of course you will, and you’ll probably win!”

😄 😄 😄


Knock! Knock!

“Who’s there?”

“Horsp.”

“Horsp, who?”

Did you just say “horse poo?”

😄 😄 😄


Why did the owner name his racehorse “Bad News”?

Because bad news travels fast.

😄 😄 😄


“Mum, I just won this phone in a race!”

“Who was in the race?”

“The owner of the phone and the police. I think they’re at the door to congratulate me.”

😄 😄 😄


Why is the internet like a motor racing crash?

There are spoilers everywhere.

😄 😄 😄


Why can’t tomatoes win races against lettuce?

Because the lettuce are always a head, and the tomatoes are always trying to ketchup.

😄 😄 😄


I was going to go greyhound racing this weekend but decided against it...

They’re too fast. I’d never win.

😄 😄 😄


I was in a bar some days ago when a beautiful girl asked me, “What do you do?”

I replied, “I race motorcycles.”

She asked further, “Do you usually win many races?”

I said, “No, the bikes are much faster than I am.”‬

😄 😄 😄


I keep trying to watch racing on my computer but every time I press the F1 key it just opens a help window.

😄 😄 😄


I first realized I was going bald when it started taking longer and longer for me to wash my face.

😄 😄 😄


What is one of the major advantages of being a bald person?

No matter what happens they can never be to blame for hair on the food!

😄 😄 😄


I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button and I have to get off and eat a grilled bacon and cheese sandwich.

😄 😄 😄


Age is important only if you’re cheese and wine.

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It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, “Order!”

So I replied, “Fried chicken, mac and cheese, and cola.”

Now I’m being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.

😄 😄 😄


A woman called an airline customer-service desk asking if it was possible to fly with her dog on board.

“Sure,” the airline agent said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.”

She continued to explain that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer was perplexed.

“I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”

😄 😄 😄


Why did a dog enter the church in the middle of a religious mass?

Because he was a German shepherd.

😄 😄 😄


What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?

A friend you can count on.

😄 😄 😄


Can you guess what the left eye said to the right eye?

Between you and I, something smells.

😄 😄 😄


I saw a ghost at the hair salon. Can you guess what she was doing?

Getting a scare-cut!

😄 😄 😄


Once there was a bear with no ears, guess what they call it?

A “B”.

😄 😄 😄


My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up.

Guess who’s not allowed in my tree house anymore.

😄 😄 😄


Guess who woke up with 20 missed calls from his ex?

My ex!

😄 😄 😄


I won a wet t-shirt competition. Guess what I got?

Pneumonia!

😄 😄 😄


The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?

“Come on, ketch-up!”

😄 😄 😄


I was trying to solve a few equations about circles. Guess what?

It was pointless.

😄 😄 😄


Diet day 1:

I removed all the fattening food from my house.

It was delicious.

😄 😄 😄


“Dad, I don’t want to go to school today,” said the boy.

“Why not, son?”

“Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day.”

“But why don’t you want to go today?”

“Because our English teacher died yesterday!”

😄 😄 😄


To attract a partner, I like to use this quote from Shakespeare’s Hamlet, Act III, Scene IV, line 82.

“Hello.”

😄 😄 😄


A woman in England gives birth every 30 seconds.

She must be exhausted.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call London without electricity?

Londoff.

😄 😄 😄


What is the longest word in the English language?

“Smiles”. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.

😄 😄 😄


Why is it that your nose runs, but your feet smell?

😄 😄 😄


On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, “What are your parents’ names?”

The student replied, “My father’s name is Laughing and my mother’s name is Smiling.”

The teacher said, “Are you kidding?”

The student said, “No, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking.”

😄 😄 😄


A man in a French restaurant asks the waiter, “Do you have frog legs?”

The waiter looks offended, “No, I’ve always walked like that!”

😄 😄 😄


A guy had to ask his neighbor for help getting his new sofa inside the flat because it got stuck in the door.

After about twenty minutes of vigorous pushing and maneuvering, the guy pants, “I think we’ll have to call it a day. There’s no way we’re getting it inside.”

The neighbor looks at him slowly, “Wait, inside?!”

😄 😄 😄


Why shouldn’t you tell an egg a joke?

Because it might crack up!

😄 😄 😄


Mrs. Lewis, a Sunday school teacher, asked her little children one Easter Sunday, as they were on the way to the church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”

Rebecca, a bright little girl piped up, “Because people are sleeping!”

😄 😄 😄


Why was the Easter egg so scared of his father?

His father was hard-boiled.

😄 😄 😄


Why do we paint Easter eggs?

Because it’s easier than trying to wallpaper them!

😄 😄 😄


If cows laughed, milk would come out of their noses.

I guess that’s why they moo.

😄 😄 😄


Why do anteaters never get colds?

Because their noses are full of anty-bodies!

😄 😄 😄


What do you do when you break your leg in two places?

Quit going to those two places!

😄 😄 😄


Living on Earth might be expensive, but at least you get a free trip around the Sun every year.

😄 😄 😄


Have you ever tried to eat a clock?

It’s very time-consuming.

😄 😄 😄


How much is the moon worth?

One dollar, because it has four quarters.

😄 😄 😄


What dance do all astronauts know?

The moonwalk.

😄 😄 😄


Why does nobody trust the man on the moon?

He has a dark side.

😄 😄 😄


Which is older, the moon or the sun?

The moon, because it can stay out all night.

😄 😄 😄


Knock! Knock!

“Who’s there?”

“Spell.”

“Spell, who?”

“Okay, okay: W. H. O.”

😄 😄 😄


Knock! Knock!

“Who's there?”

“Ho, ho.”

“Ho ho, who?”

“You know, your Santa impression could use a little work.”

😄 😄 😄


Knock! Knock!

“Who's there?”

“FBI.”

“FB...”

“We're asking the questions here.”

😄 😄 😄


Knock! Knock!

“Who’s there?”

“Somebody too short to ring the doorbell!”

😄 😄 😄


Chuck Norris can squeeze orange juice out of a lemon.

😄 😄 😄


A policeman stops a man in a car with a lynx in the passenger seat.

“What are you doing with a lynx? You should take him to the zoo!” The policeman says.

The next week he stops the same car to see that the man still has the lynx, “I thought you were going to take the cat to the zoo.” He says.

“I did! We had such a good time we are going to the beach this weekend!”

😄 😄 😄


A man feels terrible after running over a cat, he walks up to an old lady’s door.

She answers and he says, “I’m so sorry, I ran over your cat. I’d like to replace it.”

The old woman says, “Okay, how good are you at catching mice?”

😄 😄 😄


What did one flea say to the other?

“Shall we walk or take the cat?”

😄 😄 😄


Statistics show that those who have the most birthdays live the longest!

😄 😄 😄


Why shouldn’t you pick a green alien for your baseball team?

They’re not ripe yet.

😄 😄 😄


I don't believe in aliens... they lie too much.

😄 😄 😄


What is an alien’s favorite place on a computer?

The space bar.

😄 😄 😄


Why does an alien prefer a light year to a normal year?

Because it has got less calories.

😄 😄 😄


When Chuck Norris’s parents had nightmares, they would come to his bedroom.

😄 😄 😄


Chuck Norris doesn’t read books.

He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

😄 😄 😄


A guy walks into a bar and demands to know, “Who’s the strongest in here?!”

The toughest guy looks at him and says, “I am the strongest around here!”

The other guy politely asks, “Can you help me push my car to the gas station?”

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a Ford Fiesta that ran out of gas?

A Ford Siesta.

😄 😄 😄


I stopped to pick up a hitchhiker.

Turns out he was just telling me he approved of my driving.

😄 😄 😄


The dad says, “A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.”

The kid replies, “I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!”

😄 😄 😄


I play all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order.

😄 😄 😄


“Somebody just gave me a shower radio.”

“Do you really want music in the shower?”

“I guess there’s no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.”

😄 😄 😄


Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?

To reach the high notes.

😄 😄 😄


Why is a piano so hard to open?

Because the keys are on the inside.

😄 😄 😄


In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

😄 😄 😄


During a Sunday school lesson, a child learned about how God created human beings.

The child became especially focused when the teacher explained how Eve was created from Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week, the boy’s mother saw him lying down on the floor, so she asked him what was wrong.

His reply was priceless, “Mom, I have a pain in my side—I think I’m getting a wife.”

😄 😄 😄


I was in my garden when I got the news that my father had fallen from a 20 feet ladder and was in the hospital.

I rushed to the hospital expecting that my father had some major fractures, but he was alright except for some minor cuts.

When I told him that it was a miracle, he disagreed and told me, “Son, I had just fallen from the first step of the ladder.”

😄 😄 😄


After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals in the forest were happy except the Kangaroo.

When the others asked him what the reason was for such sadness, the Kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all its kids would now be playing inside.

😄 😄 😄


The boss said I should go home because I really don’t look good.

I don’t know if I should be happy to get the extra rest, or just offended.

😄 😄 😄


What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt!

😄 😄 😄


How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl?

They’re all girls! If they were boys, they’d be uncles.

😄 😄 😄


Two scientists walk into a bar.

One says, “I’ll have an H2O please.”

😄 😄 😄


Me: “What’s the Wi-Fi password?”

Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.”

Me: “OK, I’ll have a Coke.”

Bartender: “Three dollars.”

Me: “There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?”

Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.”

😄 😄 😄


What kind of exercise do lazy people do?

Diddly-squats.

😄 😄 😄


What do you call a bear with no teeth?

Gummybear.

😄 😄 😄


What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle?

A tire.

😄 😄 😄


My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

I had to put my foot down.

😄 😄 😄


Why does a pitcher raise one leg when he throws the ball?

If he raises them both, he’d fall down.

😄 😄 😄


Customer: “Waiter, this food tastes kind of funny.”

Waiter: “Then why aren’t you laughing?”

😄 😄 😄


What’s the best thing to put into a pie?

Your teeth!

😄 😄 😄


A man’s bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed.

“Look, being a vice president isn’t that special,” she said. “They even have a vice president of peas at the supermarket!”

Not believing her for one second, the man called the supermarket and demanded, “Get me the vice president of peas!”

The clerk replied, “Fresh, canned, or frozen?”

😄 😄 😄


Johnny tried to buy a toy car with monopoly money at the store.

The cashier said, “There’s no way I can take this. It’s fake.”

Johnny said, “Well, the car’s not real either.”

😄 😄 😄


Daisy: “Why do you have two different colored socks on? One’s blue, but the other is green.”

Little Johnny: “I’m not sure. It’s weird. There was another pair exactly like this one at home.”

😄 😄 😄


Little Johnny’s teacher is doing her rounds at lunchtime when she sees little Johnny pulling faces at another child.

She starts to talk sternly to Little Johnny and says, “Johnny, when I was a young girl I was told that if I made ugly faces and the wind changed, my face would stay that way.”

Little Johnny looks up to her and says, “Well miss, you can’t say that you weren’t warned.”

😄 😄 😄


Teacher: “How far have you gone with your homework, Johnny?”

Little Johnny: “About 8 kilometers miss. I went home with it and came back with it this morning.”

😄 😄 😄


A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?”

With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”

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People treat me like a god.

They ignore my existence unless they want something from me.

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If God really made everything…

He’s Chinese, right?

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Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.

One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, “Where is God?”

The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, “Where is God?”

The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet.

Eventually, his brother found him and asked, “What’s wrong?”

The crying boy replied, “We’re in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!”

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A guy is late for an important meeting. But he can’t find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray:

“Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!”

A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.

“Never mind. Found one!”

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A man complains to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with.

His wife said, “Well what about your friend Clyde?”

The man replied, “Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you aren’t looking?”

“No, I guess not,” replied his wife.

The man said, “Neither would Clyde.”

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Sorry, I just saw your text from last night. Are you guys still at the restaurant?

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Two friends talking:

“Hey, can I borrow some money? I’m broke.”

“Get money from your job.”

“I got fired.”

“Why?”

“My boss told me to leave all my problems behind the door, so I told him to stand outside.”

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Patient: “Doctor, doctor! You told me to drink my medicine after my bath but I couldn’t manage it.”

Doctor: “Why not?”

Patient: “Well after I drank my bath I didn’t have room for the medicine!”

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A man frantically calls the doctor and says, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart now!”

“Is this her first child?” the doctor responds.

The man replies, “No! This is her husband!”

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Patient: “Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the violin after the operation?”

Doctor: “Yes, of course.”

Patient: “Great! I never could before!”

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My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

Then we met.

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My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school.

I gave birth 0 times and I haven’t fit in my pants since March.

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What's the sequel to Mario Sunshine?

Mario Sunburnt!

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Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels.

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Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.

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What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer.

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Knock! Knock! 

“Who’s there?”  

“Amish.” 

“Amish, who?”  

“Really? You don’t look like a shoe!”

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Knock! Knock!

“Who’s there?”

“Cash.”

“Cash, who?”

“No thanks, but I’d love some peanuts.”

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Knock! Knock!

“Who’s there?”

“Interrupting cow.”

“Interrup...”

“Moooooooo!”

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Knock! Knock!

“Who’s there?”

“Tank.”

“Tank, who?”

“You’re welcome!”

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How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.

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Why are spiders so smart?

They can find everything on the web.

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Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why?

Inflation.

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What would the Terminator be called in his retirement?

The Exterminator.

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Why is the moon constantly moody?

She’s just going through a phase.

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What insect comes from the moon?

A Luna Tick!

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Why didn’t the skeleton like the Halloween candy?

He didn’t have the stomach for it!

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What do you call a witch’s garage?

A broom closet.

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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you’re a mouse.

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Why are ghosts terrible liars?

You can see right through them!

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Why don’t mummies have friends?

Because they’re too wrapped up in themselves.

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Where should a 500-pound alien go?

On a diet.

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Teacher: “Which book has helped you the most in your life?”

Student: “My father’s checkbook.”

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A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. Both the parents reprimanded the little boy and told him that these things shouldn't be discussed over the dinner table.

When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, “Papa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your spaghetti.”

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I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.

I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure-bread dog.

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Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere.

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As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?”

The child stared at him open-mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, “Didn't you get my E-mail?”

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Why does the programmer think the Grinch’s attitude isn’t bad?

He says it’s in beta.

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Mary-Jo was going to the Christmas office party but needed a new dress.

So she went out shopping and in the clothing store she asked the assistant, “May I try on that dress in the window, please?”

“Certainly not, madam”, responded the salesgirl, “You’ll have to use the fitting room like everyone else.”

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What goes “Oh, Oh, Oh”?

Santa walking backwards!

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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

“Is there anything breakable in here?”, asked the postal clerk.

“Only the Ten Commandments”, answered the lady.

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Why didn’t Noah ever go fishing?

He only had two worms.

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A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results.

He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, “I can’t get the mower to start!”

“That’s because you have to curse to get it started,” says the man.

“I’m a man of the cloth. I don’t even remember how to curse.”

“You keep pulling on that rope, and it’ll come back to you.”

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Which king liked to do things on his own?

Solo-mon.

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A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.

The barman says, “Who’s first?”

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Psychiatrist: “What seems to be the problem?”

Patient: “I think I'm a chicken.”

Psychiatrist: “How long has this been going on?”

Patient: “Ever since I came out of my shell.”

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Why did the cat like eating lemons?

Because he was a sourpuss.

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What does a cat have that no other animal has?

Kittens.

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Why do cats always win video games?

Because they have nine lives!

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Why do cats hate laptops?

They don’t have a mouse.

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When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.

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Why do golfers prefer a birthday donut over a birthday cake?

Because there is a hole in one.

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I used to be a boy trapped in a woman’s body. But after 9 long months, I was finally born!

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Forget about the past, you can’t change it.

Forget about the future, you can’t predict it.

Forget about the present, I didn’t get you one.

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Why do some people get heartburn every time they eat a birthday cake?

They always forget to take off the candles.

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How does the German baker greet his customers?

Gluten Morgen!

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Can a dog jump higher than a house?

Well, duh. Houses can’t jump.

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What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?

Oops!

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There are three types of people in the world:

Those who can count and those who can’t.

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Why are colds bad criminals?

Because they’re easy to catch.

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What do you call a cow in an earthquake?

A milkshake!

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Why don’t dogs make good dancers?

Because they have two left feet.

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Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers!

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