School Jokes

Enjoy our team's carefully selected School Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!

Funny Short Jokes on School

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large tray of hot dogs.

The nun posted a sign on the hot dog tray “Take only one, God is watching”.

Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

One child whispered to another, “Take all you want. God is watching the hot dogs.”

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Guess who I saw at school today?

Everyone I looked at.

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Santa Clause’s elves went to school, guess what they learned?

The elfabets.

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What is the best college to apply to learn about solar radiation?

U.V. Ray.

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Sunday school teacher: “Tell me, Johnny. Do you say prayers before eating?”

Johnny: “No, ma’am, I don’t have to. My mom’s a good cook.”

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An accountancy student asks a partner to explain ethics in accountancy.

The partner thinks for a moment and relates the following, “Mr. Jones, one of our clients, came to see me last week and paid me his bill of £1,000 in cash. As he left I counted the notes and they came to £1,100.”

The student said, “I see. The ethics question is ‘Do I tell the client?’”

“Wrong answer! The question is ‘Do I tell my partner?’”

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A mugger jumps out in front of a university student and shouts, “Your money or your life!”

The student keeps walking and says, “Sorry mate, I’m a Computer Science student. I don’t have either.”

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What do you do when no one laughs at your science jokes?

Keep trying until you get a reaction.

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In high school, teachers had to raise their hand to speak to Chuck Norris.

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The judge rose from the bench and said, “Madam, I’ve waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court.”

Then he smiled as he said, “Now, sit down at that table and write 500 times ‘I will not pass through a red light.’”

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Math Teacher: “James, what do you get when you subtract 897 from 1824 and add 176 and divide the answer by 3?”

James: “A Headache ma’am.”

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Why don’t Romans find algebra interesting?

X is always 10.

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“Dad, I don’t want to go to school today,” said the boy.

“Why not, son?”

“Well, one of the chickens on the school farm died last week and we had chicken soup for lunch the next day. Then three days ago one of the pigs died and we had roast pork the next day.”

“But why don’t you want to go today?”

“Because our English teacher died yesterday!”

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Mrs. Lewis, a Sunday school teacher, asked her little children one Easter Sunday, as they were on the way to the church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”

Rebecca, a bright little girl piped up, “Because people are sleeping!”

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In Jewish doctrine, when does a fetus become a human?

When it graduates from medical school.

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During a Sunday school lesson, a child learned about how God created human beings.

The child became especially focused when the teacher explained how Eve was created from Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week, the boy’s mother saw him lying down on the floor, so she asked him what was wrong.

His reply was priceless, “Mom, I have a pain in my side—I think I’m getting a wife.”

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Little Johnny’s teacher is doing her rounds at lunchtime when she sees little Johnny pulling faces at another child.

She starts to talk sternly to Little Johnny and says, “Johnny, when I was a young girl I was told that if I made ugly faces and the wind changed, my face would stay that way.”

Little Johnny looks up to her and says, “Well miss, you can’t say that you weren’t warned.”

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Teacher: “Which book has helped you the most in your life?”

Student: “My father’s checkbook.”

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School Jokes for Adults

Girl: “What if a boy hugs me?”

Mom: “Say ‘don’t’.”

Girl: “What if he kisses me?”

Mom: “Say ‘stop’.”

The next day when the girl goes to school her boyfriend hugs and kisses her well so she says as her mother told her to do and she quickly said DON’T STOP!

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Little Ahmed is doing his biology homework.

He comes upon a question:

What separates the head from the body?

Ahmed answers:

The axe.

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When is the first math homework problem mentioned in the Bible?

When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.

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A kid from Mississippi is on Harvard campus for the first time, he stops a student and asks, “Excuse me, can you tell me where the library is at?”

The Harvard student replies, “At Harvard, you don’t end a sentence with a preposition.”

The kid said, “Sorry about that. Can you tell me where the library is at, asshole?”

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Math Teacher: “If I have 5 bottles in one hand and 6 in the other hand, what do I have?”

Student: “A drinking problem.”

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At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying “I know the whole truth”.

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.”

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.”

The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door.

The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

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Little Johnny was sitting in class one day and the teacher was talking about life.

She asks him: “Little Johnny, how do you want your wife to be like?”

He: “Like the moon.”

The teacher: “That’s such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful”.

Little Johnny: “No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning.”

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Funny Jokes About School One-Liners

Chocolate is like guns.

If you pull it out in school, then everybody is suddenly your friend.

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Relationships are a lot like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

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I am pretty sure that my algebra teacher is secretly a pirate.

He constantly is trying to find X.

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Teachers deserve a lot of credit.

Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldn’t need it.

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My English teacher used to quote Lord of the Rings to us.

She used to say “You shall not pass!”

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I said to my teacher, “I don’t think I deserved a zero for this exam.”

She said, “I agree, but I couldn’t give you any less.”

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I complained to my Maths teacher that it was too cold in the classroom.

He told me to stand in the corner. Because the corner is 90 degrees.

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Never fight a math teacher. You’ll always be outnumbered.

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Dear Math,

I am sick and tired of finding your “x”. Just accept the fact that she’s gone. Move on dude.

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I was trying to solve a few equations about circles. Guess what?

It was pointless.

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My wife gave birth four times and still fits in her prom dress from high school.

I gave birth 0 times and I haven’t fit in my pants since March.

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Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than five moves. Finally, my high school karate lessons paid off.

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Back to School Jokes

A young Jewish mom walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.

“Behave, my bubaleh,” she says.

“Take good care of yourself and think about your mother, tataleh!”

“And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh.”

“Your mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!”

At the end of the school day, the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him.

“So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?”

The boy answers, “I learned my name is David.”

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Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.

Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.

“Wait a minute,” she said. “I had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”

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It was the first day of school.

Harry’s mother went into his bedroom and said, “Come on Harry, get up now. You have to go to school today.”

“But I don’t want to go to school,” replied Harry, “I want to stay in bed. Why do I have to go to school?”

“Because,” answered his mother, “you’re a teacher!”

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Dumb School Jokes

Why didn’t the zombie go to school?

He felt rotten!

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Why do pumpkins do poorly in school?

Because eventually they end up with all their brains scooped out.

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Guess what I found in the creepy old professors’ closet?

Narnia business

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Yo mama so dumb, her IQ is lower than Jeffy the Puppet.

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Yo mama so fat, her school pictures were taken by a satellite.

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Boy: “Hey, I like you and I was wondering if you would be my girlfriend.”

Girl: “I have a boyfriend.”

Boy: “I have a math test tomorrow.”

Girl: “What does that have to do with anything?”

Boy: “I thought we were listing things we could cheat on.”

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I told my dad I couldn’t believe I’d failed my biology exam.

He said, “I’m your mum!”

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During a biology exam, a student has to list three pros of breast milk.

He’s unprepared, but starts looking for common sense answers and writes down:

– Contains all the nutrients a baby needs.

– Doesn’t need heating.

But he still needs one more.

And just as the time is about to run out, the student writes:

– Has great packaging.

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Why is it impossible for students to sleep 8 hours every day?

Because school is only 6 hours a day!

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Why did the student eat his homework?

Because he didn’t have a dog.

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Teacher: “Take a seat”.

Student: “Where do you want me to take it to?”

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The science teacher lecturing his class in biology said, “Now I’ll show you this frog in my pocket.”

He then reached into his pocket and pulled out a chicken sandwich.

He looked puzzled for a second, thought deeply, and said, “That’s funny. I distinctly remember eating my lunch.”

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On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, “What are your parents’ names?”

The student replied, “My father’s name is Laughing and my mother’s name is Smiling.”

The teacher said, “Are you kidding?”

The student said, “No, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking.”

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Yo mama so old, she rode dinosaurs to school.

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Teacher: “Now class, if you are dumb, please stand up.”

No one stands up.

Teacher: “Oh c’mon. I know someone over here is dumb.” Waves her finger around the left side of the room.

Little Johnny stands up.

Teacher: “Oh, Johnny, you think you’re dumb?”

Little Johnny: “No, I just feel bad you’re standing alone.”

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School Jokes for Teachers

Where do kids get ice cream cakes on their birthdays?

At sundae school.

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How did the teacher find out that Shohag copied Danika’s exam paper?

Because when Danika said “I don’t know”, Shohag said “Me neither”.

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When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it remind him of an empty classroom?

Because there are no pupils to see!

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Why did Johnny take a ruler to bed?

Because he wanted to see how long he slept!

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Dear Students,

I know when you are texting in class. No one just looks down at their crotch and smiles.

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Why did the teacher wear sunglasses in class?

Because the class was so bright!

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Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?

To reach the high notes.

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School Jokes for Kids

Knock! Knock!

“Who’s there?”

“Doughnut.”

“Doughnut, who?”

“Doughnut forget to do your homework or you will have to go to summer school!”

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What would happen if you took the school bus home?

The police would make you bring it back!

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Who should be your best friend at school?

Your princi-pal!

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Why did the boy eat his homework?

Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.

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My teacher always tells me to follow my dreams, but she won’t let me sleep in class.

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What’s the difference between a teacher and a train?

The teacher says “Spit your gum out!” and the train says “Chew, chew!”

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Dear math,

Please grow up and solve your own problems, I’m tired of solving them for you.

Thanks!

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The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?

“Come on, ketch-up!”

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Teacher: “How far have you gone with your homework, Johnny?”

Little Johnny: “About 8 kilometers miss. I went home with it and came back with it this morning.”

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Long and Funny School Jokes in English

A somewhat advanced society has figured out how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.

The pharmacist says, “Here’s a pill for English literature.”

The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

“What else do you have?” asks the student.

“Well, I have pills for art history, biology and world history,” replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks, “Do you have a pill for math?”

The pharmacist says, “Wait just a moment,” and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.

“I have to take that huge pill for math?” inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, “Well, you know... math always was a little hard to swallow.”

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On his 16th birthday, I thought my son deserved to know the truth about his being adopted.

So when he got home from school, I said to him, “Steve, do you mind sitting down, I’ve got something to tell you.”

“Dad, guess what?!” he shouted excitedly.

“Steve, this is important.” I urged.

“No way, Dad. Listen!”

“Steve. Please. Don’t make this hard for me. It’s about your mum and me.”

“Dad! Shut up! I’ve just won £250,000 on a scratch card!”

“That’s amazing son! Your old Dad’s really made up for you!”

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There was a statistics teacher who would always accelerate hard when driving through intersections and then slow down after passing through.

One day he drove a colleague to work who was noticeably uncomfortable with his driving.

The colleague asked, “Why do you always drive so fast through intersections?”

To which the statistics teacher responded, “Well, statistically speaking, you’re more likely to have an accident in an intersection, so I make sure to get through them as fast as possible!”

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A proctologist had been in practice for 20 years and had settled into a very comfortable life with his future very secure. So he decided to fulfill his REAL dream and become an auto mechanic.

Having entered mechanic school, the former physician received the results of his first test back with a score of 200%.

Confused, he asked the teacher why his score was so high.

“Well”, said the teacher, “the first part was taking the engine apart and you did that perfectly, so you got 50%. The second was to put it back together again and you did it perfectly and got another 50%. The other 100% was for doing it through the tailpipe.”

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Student: “503 bricks are on a plane. 1 falls off. How many are left?”

Teacher: “502.”

Student: “How do you put an elephant in a fridge?”

Teacher: “No you can’t fit an elephant in a fridge!”

Student: “Just open the door, put the elephant in, close the door.”

Student: “How do you put a giraffe in the fridge?”

Teacher: “Open the door, put the giraffe in, close the door.”

Student: “No! Open the door, take the elephant out, put the giraffe in, close the door.”

Student: “The Lion King is having a B-day party. All the animals are there, except one. Which one?”

Teacher: “The lion?”

Student: “No! The giraffe because he’s in a fridge.”

Student: “Sally has to get across a large river home to many alligators. They are very dangerous, but Sally swims across safely. How?”

Teacher: “Sally stepped on the alligator's mouth?”

Student: “The gators are at the party.”

Student: “But Sally dies anyway. Why?”

Teacher: “She drowned?!”

Student: “No! She got hit in the head by a flying brick.”

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