Scary Jokes

Enjoy our team's carefully selected Scary Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!

Scary Jokes

Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into his lens grinder?

He made a spectacle of himself.

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A couple invites their family over for Thanksgiving night, planning to spend the holiday and meal together.

As the family gathers, the couple’s children are late to arrive, prompting the mother-in-law to complain aloud, β€œUgh, your children, always late.”

Eventually, everyone arrives and sits down to eat. Despite the tension, the mother-in-law insists on sitting at the head of the table, and no one has the strength to argue with her.

After a few minutes, the hungry mother-in-law begins to complain again, β€œUgh, what’s with the food here, why is it always late?”

A few minutes later, the couple bring out the meal they have prepared for their family, mostly cooked by the wife. Everyone eats, and the evening continues.

While they are in the middle of their main course, the mother-in-law says, β€œUgh, I better start clearing the dishes so we can at least move on to the last dish on time.”

A mere second after she gets up, the large wall clock hanging over the head of the table falls down, reducing her chair to pieces and narrowly missing her. Everyone is in shock until the bride mumbles to herself, β€œUgh, this clock... always late.”

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What did the first person to get April fooled say?

β€œJesus! I thought you were dead!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œThe Headless Horseman.”

β€œThe Headless Horseman, who?”

β€œThe Headless Horseman who’s coming for your head!”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”


β€œIvan, who?”

β€œIvan to suck your blood!”

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Why did the cannibal eat the tightrope walker?

He wanted a balanced meal.

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Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes.

Then they are each given a final request.

The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible.

His request is granted, and they poison him.

The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family.

This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes.

Now it is the third man’s turn.

He asks for a fork.

The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork.

As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, β€œTo hell with your canoes!”

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Two cannibals are eating a clown.

One says to the other, β€œDoes this taste funny to you?”

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First cannibal: β€œI can’t find anything to eat!”

Second cannibal: β€œBut the jungle’s full of people.”

First cannibal: β€œYes, but they’re all very unsavory.”

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I went to a cannibal restaurant last night.

It cost $50 a head.

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Why are cannibals so angry?

They’re fed up with people.

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A Man was watching TV one day, when all of a sudden he began screaming in terror.

β€œDon’t go in the Church!” he cried. β€œIt’s a trap!”

β€œMom, is Dad watching a horror movie?” his son asked.

β€œNo, dear, he’s watching our wedding video,” the mom replied.

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You’re so scary that even your hairline ran a way.

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A woman was leaving a cafetaria with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash.

Behind her were 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn’t stand the curiosity.

She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, β€œI am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I’ve never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?”

The woman replied, β€œWell, that first hearse is for my husband.”

β€œWhat happened to him?”

The woman replied, β€œMy dog attacked him to death.”

She inquired further, β€œWell, who is in the second hearse?”

The woman answered, β€œMy mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her.”

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

β€œCan I borrow the dog?”

β€œGet in line!”

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What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?

Hope it’s Halloween...

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Two monsters went to a party.

Suddenly one said to the other, β€œA lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?”

β€œBe a gentleman and roll them back to her.”

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A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit.

One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.

When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.

β€œWho are you?” he asked.

β€œI’m the Devil!” she responded.

β€œWell, come on home with me,” he said, β€œI married your sister.”

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Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.

Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

β€œHoly cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath, β€œYou scared us half to deathβ€”we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”

β€œThose fools!” the old man grumbled. β€œThey misspelled my name!”

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Patient: β€œDoctor, I think that I’ve been bitten by a vampire.”

Doctor: β€œDrink this glass of water.”

Patient: β€œWill it make me better?”

Doctor: β€œNo, but I’ll be able to see if your neck leaks.”

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What did the vampire say to his hungry friend?

Don’t B-negative. Look for more positive.

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Why didn’t the skeleton go see the scary movie?

He didn’t have the guts.

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When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims?

On Fry Day.

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I stopped by grandmother’s house and I’m so impressed. She had all the Halloween decorations out. There were cobwebs and bugs in the windows along with a skeleton on the couch.

She’s 89 and always does a great job, but there was no answer when I knocked. I guess I’ll stop by again in a few months... if I have time.

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Why is the woman afraid of the vampire?

Because he is all bite and no bark.

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What happened to the cannibal who showed up late to Halloween dinner?

They gave him the cold shoulder.

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Why don’t people like Dracula?

He’s a pain in the neck.

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Mrs. Jones was proud of her pumpkin patch, so she was really disappointed when some of the local kids were taking them to make Jack-o-Lanterns.

One evening while Mrs. Jones was soaking in the bath, the answer to the pumpkin thefts came to her.

After supper she went out and put up a sign: β€œBeware, one of these pumpkins is coated with a special colorless rat poison!”

A day or two later when Mrs. Jones checked out her pumpkin patch she was pleased to see that no more had been stolen.

Then she saw a second sign next to hers which said: β€œNOW THERE ARE TWO!!”

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What does for call the moon after a bat flies into it?

A blood moon!

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Yo mama so fat she fed an entire zombie apocalypse.

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When do vampires like horse racing?

When it’s neck and neck.

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My wife and I are going to be Carl and Ellie from Disney’s Up for Halloween.

I’ll dress up as an old guy and she’ll dress up as a tombstone.

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Why are there gates around cemeteries?

Because people are dying to get in.

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Yo mama so scary you thought the monsters in your closet were friends.

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