Running Jokes

Enjoy our team's carefully selected Running Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!

Running Jokes

In Pamplona, Spain, the people may be running from the bulls.

But the bulls are running from Chuck Norris.

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Benson runs a nail factory and decides his business needs a bit of advertising.

He has a chat with a friend who works in marketing, and he offers to make a TV ad for Benson’s Nails.

β€œGive me a week,” says the friend, β€œand I’ll be back with an ad.”

A week goes by, and the marketing executive comes to see Benson. He opens his laptop and presses play:

A Roman soldier is busy nailing Jesus to the cross. He turns to face the camera and says with a grin, β€œUse Benson’s Nails, they’ll hold anything.”

Benson goes mad, shouting, β€œWhat is the matter with you? They’ll never show that on TV. Give it another try, but no more Romans crucifying Jesus!”

Another week goes by, and the marketing man comes back to see Benson with another ad.

He turns his laptop around and hits play. This time, the camera pans out from a Roman standing with his arms folded to show Jesus on the cross. The Roman looks up at him and says, β€œBenson’s Nails, they’ll hold anything.”

Benson is beside himself, β€œYou don’t understand: I don’t want anything with Jesus on the cross! Now listen, I’ll give you one last chance. Come back in a week with an advertisement that I can broadcast.”

A week passes, and Benson waits impatiently.

The marketing executive arrives and puts on the new video. A naked man with long hair, gasping for breath, is running across a field. About a dozen Roman soldiers come over the hill, hot on his trail. One of them stops, turns to the camera, and says, β€œIf only we had used Benson’s Nails!”

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Dispatcher: β€œ911, what is your emergency?”

Caller: β€œYeah, I’m having trouble breathing. I’m all out of breath. Darn... I think I’m going to pass out.”

Dispatcher: β€œSir, where are you calling from?”

Caller: β€œI’m at a pay phone. North and Foster.”

Dispatcher: β€œSir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?”

Caller: β€œNo.”

Dispatcher: β€œWhat were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?”

Caller: β€œRunning from the police.”

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A guy was walking along the street when he saw a crowd of people running towards him.

He stopped one of the runners and asked, β€œWhat’s happening?”

The runner replied breathlessly, β€œA lion has escaped from the zoo.”

β€œOh my, which way is it heading?”

β€œWell, you don’t think we are chasing it, do you?”

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Why won’t my motorbike run?

Because it’s two tired.

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How did the Catholic priest finish the marathon?

He was second to nun.

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In their small village, a couple was famous for the husband being 102 years old and his wife being 98 years old, and both in terrific condition, working their farm every day and having the bodies of much younger people.

One day, a visitor to the village, curious about the couple, approached the old man at his farm. The old man was cutting wood without a shirt on, sweat glistening on a body that seemed to belong to a man half his age.

The visitor introduced himself and asked the old man, β€œI hear you are 102!”

β€œThat’s correct,” said the old man with a smile.

β€œWow, I must say, you look in amazing shape!”

β€œThank you,” said the old man humbly.

β€œDo you mind if I ask...”

β€œHow am I this healthy at my age?” finished the old man. β€œHelp me carry this wood back home, and I’ll tell you.”

The visitor agrees and they make their way inside.

β€œYou see,” said the old man, β€œI’ve been married for 75 years. Now, when we got married, I made a little arrangement with the wife. Every time we have an argument, the loser of said argument must run for 5 kilometers. Seeing as we have a pretty typical marriage, I’ve been running 5 kilometers almost every day for 75 years! That’s why I’m in the great shape I am.”

β€œBut if that’s the case,” said the puzzled visitor, β€œhow come your wife is in such great shape too?”

β€œWell,” smiled the old man, β€œshe usually runs after me to make sure I finish the whole five.”

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How did the 30-year-old marathon runner celebrate their birthday?

By going the extra mile!

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Husband to friend: β€œThe physical therapist told my wife she should do some exercise.”

Friend: β€œAnd is she doing this?”

Husband: β€œWell, she is, if jumping to conclusions and running up bills can be called exercise.”

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Hickory dickory dock, three mice ran up the clock, the clock struck one.

And the other two escaped with minor injuries.

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What do marathoners and computer scientists have in common?

They want the fastest running time.

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You can’t run through a campsite.

You can only run because it’s past tents.

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What do you call a man with one leg?

Anything you want. He can’t run fast enough to catch you.

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Akpos: β€œWhy are all these people running?”

Man: β€œThis is a race, the winner will get the cup.”

Akpos: β€œIf only the winner will get the cup, why are others running?”

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Why don’t sniper attacks work on volleyball players?

Because they always run for cover.

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How does a Puerto Rican get ready for a marathon?

By putting on their running shoes and their party hat.

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Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?

Because every Juan that can jump, run and swim is already in the U.S.

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Two guys are walking through a national park and they come across a bear that has not eaten for days.

The bear sees the two men and starts chasing them. They run as fast as they can.

One guy starts getting tired and decides to say a prayer, β€œPlease turn this bear into a Christian, Lord.”

He looks to see if the bear is still chasing, and he sees the bear on its knees. Happy to see his prayer answered, he turns around and heads towards the bear.

As he comes closer to the bear, he hears it saying a prayer, β€œThank you, Lord, for the food I am about to receive.”

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When you have a question, you check with Google.

When Google has a question, they check with Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris has a question, everybody better run!

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A gamer dies and goes to hell.

After a week, the devil goes to God, β€œGod! What crazy person have you send me here? He destroyed all the cauldrons, killed all demons, is running like crazy everywhere and yelling β€˜Where is the exit to LEVEL 2?!’.”

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At one army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned.

One soldier mused, β€œDoes it bother anyone else that the army doesn’t seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?”

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What’s faster: lightning, light, or diarrhea?

Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.

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A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark.

So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.

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What time is it when you see a crocodile?

Time to run.

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Scientists have discovered that crabs hear through their legs.

They said they yelled at a crab and it ran away.

Then they cut off its legs and yelled at it again. And this time the crab didn’t run away.

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Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves.

The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket.

After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, β€œWell, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?”

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A wise man once told me, if a bee is bothering you, don’t swat or run away, just stand still and look right at it.

Because seeing is believing.

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100-meter race.

Referee: β€œ1,2,3, GO!”

Everybody started running except Santa.

Referee: β€œWhy are you not running?”

Santa: β€œMy number is 4.”

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Alcoholics don’t run in my family.

But sometimes they fall down the stairs.

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A boss was waiting in his office one day when he noticed that all of his workers were missing.

He waits a few more minutes before the first worker comes in.

β€œWhy were you late?” asked the boss.

Sounding exhausted, the worker says, β€œSorry boss, but my car broke down on the way to work so I tried the bus, but the bus broke down so I hailed a cab, but the cab broke down, but fortunately I was near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and I had to jog the rest of the way.”

The boss thinks nothing of it and sends the worker off.

The next 2 workers come in to check in and the boss asks them the same question, β€œWhy were you late?”

The workers give the boss the exact same reason, β€œSorry boss, but my car broke down on the way to work so I tried the bus, but the bus broke down so I hailed a cab, but the cab broke down, but fortunately I was near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and I had to jog the rest of the way.”

The boss thinks that he must be losing his mind, but sends the workers off anyways.

Finally, the last worker comes in and the boss says, β€œLet me guess, your car broke down on the way to work so you tried the bus, but the bus broke down so you hailed a cab, but the cab broke down, but fortunately, you were near a stable, but the horse ran so fast it had a heart attack and you had to jog the rest of the way?”

The worker said, β€œNo boss, you got it all wrong, you see, there were so many broken down cars, buses, cabs, dead horses and crazed joggers in the streets, it was impossible to get through.”

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Why did the skeleton run away?

Because a dog was after his bones.

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Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team?

She always ran away from the ball.

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Why do elves laugh when they run?

Because the grass tickles their balls.

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Your mama’s so short that she can run track around the toilet!

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Your mama’s so short that she has to get a running start to get up on the toilet.

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The military was standing outside my house, guess what I did?


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The nose was very tired because it kept running.

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Football is a game when 22 big, strong players run around like crazy for two hours while 50,000 people who really need the exercise sit in the stands and watch them.

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One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.

The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, β€œWho owns the property?”

The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer says, β€œI’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.”

The old gentleman says, β€œWell, you go right ahead, but whatever you do, don’t go into that field over yonder,” pointing out a fenced parcel of land.

The officer says, β€œMister, I’m a law enforcement officer authorized by the federal government of our nation.”

Reaching into his pocket, he removes his badge and shoves it right in the old boy’s face, β€œYou see my badge, buddy? This badge means that I’m allowed to go wherever I wish, anytime I wish. Do you understand me? No questions asked.”

The old gentleman nodded his head yes politely, softly apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old gentleman heard someone screaming in absolute terror, coming from where he’d told the officer not to go.

He looked over at the pasture and saw the officer running for his life, chased by a very angry bull.

With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it appeared likely that the policeman would be gored by the bull’s horns before he could reach safety.

Realizing the horrible danger that the policeman was in, the old gentleman ran to the field’s fence as fast as he could, determined to do whatever he could to help.

Reaching the edge of the pasture, the old gentleman quickly climbed to the top of the fence, waving his arms frantically and screamed at the very top of his voice, β€œYour badge, officer, show him your BADGE!”

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What do you call a gigantic polar bear?

Nothing, you just run away!

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Two men went bear hunting.

While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear.

He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it.

The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could.

He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step.

Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat.

Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin.

The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, β€œYou skin this one while I go and get another one!”

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Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid.

I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

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