Jokes on Retirement

Enjoy our team's carefully selected Retirement Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas... she insisted I take her to the local shopping center every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She’s like most women - loves to browse and leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter, from the local Shopping center:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion, in our store.

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to, ban both of you from the store.

Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.

July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice: “Code 3 in House wares. Get on it right away.”

This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time; and costing the company money. We don’t have a Code 3.

August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

August 14: Moved a “CAUTION – WET FLOOR” sign to a carpeted area.

August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed “Why can’t you people just leave me alone?”. EMTs were called.

September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while, loudly humming the, “Mission Impossible” theme.

October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his “Madonna Look” using different sizes of funnels.

October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled “PICK ME! PICK ME!”.

October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed “OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!”.

And last, but not least:

October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled very loudly “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here”. One of the clerks passed out.

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I can’t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.

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I love being a grandparent in retirement.

I give my grandkids a lot of sugar and then leave them with their parents to deal with them.

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How do you know it’s time to retire?

It’s when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it!

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Albert’s retirement party presentation.

“Today we would like to thank Albert for his service to our company.

Albert is someone who does not know the meaning of impossible task, who does not know the meaning of lunch break, who does not understand the meaning of the word no.

So we have clubbed together and bought Albert a dictionary.”

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Why don’t retirees mind being called seniors?

The term comes with a 10 percent discount.

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A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled up newspaper round his head.

Wife: “What are you doing dear?”

Husband: “Swatting flies. I got three males and two females”

Wife: “How on Earth do you know which gender they were?”

Husband: “Easy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.”

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What would the Terminator be called in his retirement?

The Exterminator.

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