Religious Jokes
Enjoy our team's carefully selected Religion Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Funny Religious Jokes Short
It’s so hot that Satan went back to hell to cool down.
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Friedrich Nietzsche Dies.
As he ascends to heaven, he begins to get worried that he might be wrong about atheism.
He gets even more worried when he finally reaches heaven, and it looks just like how all those religious people said it would.
Then an old man with a big white beard comes up to him, and says, “I’m God, looks like you were wrong about me.”
Nietzsche replies, “Not at all. If you’re up here in heaven, that just proves everything that I wrote is correct. God is dead!”
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Sunday school teacher: “Tell me, Johnny. Do you say prayers before eating?”
Johnny: “No, ma’am, I don’t have to. My mom’s a good cook.”
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Boss: “Do you believe in life after death?”
Employee: “No, because there is no proof of it.”
Boss: “Well there is now!”
Employee: “How?”
Boss: “When you left yesterday saying that you have to go to your uncle’s funeral, your uncle came here looking for you after you left.”
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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.
Then God created Man and rested.
Then God created Woman.
Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
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A guy is late for an important meeting. But he can’t find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray:
“Please Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!”
A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.
“Never mind. Found one!”
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A bus full of ugly people had a head-on collision with a truck.
When they died, God granted all of them one wish.
The first person said, “I want to be gorgeous.”
God snapped his fingers and it happened.
The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group.
God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically.
By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground.
When the man’s turn came, he laughed and said, “I wish they were all ugly again.”
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Religious Jokes for Adults
When Thompson hit seventy, he decided to change his lifestyle completely so that he could live longer.
He went on a strict diet, he jogged, he swam, and he took sunbaths.
In just three months, Thompson lost thirty pounds, reduced his waist by six inches, and expanded his chest by five inches.
Svelte and tan, he decided to top it all off with a sporty new haircut. Afterward, while stepping out of the barbershop, he was hit by a bus.
As he lay dying, he cried out, “God, how could you do this to me?”
And a voice from the heavens responded, “To tell you the truth, Thompson, I didn’t recognize you.”
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A soldier ran up to a nun.
Out of breath, he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt? I’ll explain later.”
The nun agreed.
A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
The nun replied, “He went that way.”
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Iraq.”
The nun said, “I understand completely.”
The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”
The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls... I don’t want to go to Iraq either.
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Look up “rib” in the dictionary and it says “To vex, irritate or annoy”.
Look up “rib” in the Bible and it says “Woman”.
Coincidence?
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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.
He asked his father—who was a minister—if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said to him, “I’ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.”
A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.
His father said, “Son, I’m really proud of you. You have brought your grades up, you’ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didn’t get hair cut!”
The young man waited a moment and replied, “You know Dad, I’ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.”
His father replied, “Yes, son, and they walked everywhere they went!”
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Santa saw your Facebook pictures...
You’re getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.
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Stephen Sondheim, John Madden, and Betty White walk up to the Pearly Gates and St. Peter says, “We’re pretty full, so we’re making people pass additional tests.
I know this is going to sound weird, but God has been hanging out with Chuck Yeager this week, and he’s only letting in people who have a connection to Jets.”
All three sets of eyes light up.
Sondheim steps up and says, “I wrote the definitive American musical, and it was all about a gang called the Jets.”
St. Peter waves him through.
John Madden says, “I coached in a classic NFL game, where my Raiders beat the Jets on a last-second touchdown.”
Also gets waived through.
St. Peter says, “OK, Betty, what about you?”
She smiles and says, “If he’s really omniscient, he knows what I do in hot tubs...”
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Yo mama so fat when she died she broke the stairway to heaven.
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Punny Jokes About Religion
What’s the difference between science and religion?
Science flies you to the moon while religion flies you into buildings.
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A donut walks into a church, approaches the priest and explains, “Excuse me, Father, I don’t mean to trouble you, but I’m very interested in joining the clergy. I was hoping that you could give me some pointers.”
The priest, after taking a moment to accept the fact that he’s speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile in response.
“That is truly a noble calling,” he says. “Most frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to the priesthood.”
“That sounds like a very involved process,” the donut confesses. “I’m not sure I have the time.”
“If you don’t mind me asking...” replies the priest. “What made you think you wanted to join the clergy if you’re not willing to commit to the process? Why do you want to be a priest at all?”
“Well...” the donut answers. “See, it’s because I’m holey.”
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Why do you think a donut would ever become a priest?
Because it is very hole-y.
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What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut.
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The other day I saw an event a local church was having at a dispensary where they were giving away donuts and spreading the Word of God.
They called it Glaze It, Blaze It, and Praise It.
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As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
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What’s the motto of an ice cream shop in paradise?
Heaven ice day!
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When is the first math homework problem mentioned in the Bible?
When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.
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How many people can you fit in one Honda?
Well, the Bible said that all 12 disciples were in one Accord.
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Why are synagogues round?
So the Jews can’t hide in the corner when the collection box comes around.
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Why didn’t Noah ever go fishing?
He only had two worms.
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Religious Jokes Clean
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large tray of hot dogs.
The nun posted a sign on the hot dog tray “Take only one, God is watching”.
Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
One child whispered to another, “Take all you want. God is watching the hot dogs.”
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A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child’s artwork.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.
The girl replied, “I’m drawing God.”
The teacher paused and said, “But no one knows what God looks like.”
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, “They will in a minute.”
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The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
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A guy is standing in the street shouting out, “I am God! I am God!”
The police call a social worker who comes over to see if he can help.
Walking up to the guy he asks, “What is your name?”
“I am God,” the guy replies getting agitated.
The social worker says, “Calm down. Why don’t we go into this coffee shop, sit down and have a talk.”
As soon as they enter the shop the barista looks at the guy and exclaims, “Oh God, not you again!?”
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During a Sunday school lesson, a child learned about how God created human beings.
The child became especially focused when the teacher explained how Eve was created from Adam’s ribs.
Later in the week, the boy’s mother saw him lying down on the floor, so she asked him what was wrong.
His reply was priceless, “Mom, I have a pain in my side—I think I’m getting a wife.”
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Short Religious Jokes for Seniors
Why did a dog enter the church in the middle of a religious mass?
Because he was a German shepherd.
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A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
“Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?”
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”
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Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.
One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, “Where is God?”
The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, “Where is God?”
The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet.
Eventually, his brother found him and asked, “What’s wrong?”
The crying boy replied, “We’re in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!”
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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.
“Is there anything breakable in here?”, asked the postal clerk.
“Only the Ten Commandments”, answered the lady.
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Funny Religion Jokes About God and Jesus One-Liners
A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.
Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.
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Why do people say donuts are made by God?
Because they are hole-y.
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Yo mama so tall when she did a backflip she digs God in the face.
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Yo Mama is so old she’s got a Bible autographed by Jesus.
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Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died.
The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck’s gift and arranged to have him written out of the bible.
All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.
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People treat me like a god.
They ignore my existence unless they want something from me.
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If God really made everything…
He’s Chinese, right?
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Yo Mama’s so stupid she thinks Los Angeles is where God lives with all his angels.
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Funny Church Jokes Clean
What’s the difference between praying in church and at the track?
At the track you really mean it!
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Mrs. Lewis, a Sunday school teacher, asked her little children one Easter Sunday, as they were on the way to the church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?”
Rebecca, a bright little girl piped up, “Because people are sleeping!”
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Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says “Convert to Christianity and we’ll give you $100.”
The one says to the other, “Should we do it?”
The other says “No! Are you crazy?”
The first guy replies “Hey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... I’m gonna do it.”
So he walks into the church, and a little while later, he walks back out.
The friend says “Well, did you get the money?”
He replies “Oh that’s all you people think about, isn’t it?”
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A little girl finally got to attend a wedding for the first time.
While in the church, the girl asked her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?”
The mother replied to the girl, “Because white is the color of happiness and it’s the happiest day of her life today.”
After a little bit, the girl looks up at her mother and says, “But, then why is the groom wearing black?”
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Short Jokes on Priests
A wealthy racehorse owner gets very attached to his champion horse.
It has a very successful racing career and is then retired to stud duties, where it is again very successful. Earning a fortune in stud duties.
Sadly one day the champion dies and the owner decides to give it a proper burial.
He approaches the local Anglican minister who tells him that he is only interested in saving human souls.
He then approaches the Catholic priest who tells him the same thing.
As a last resort, he asks a Rabbi who gives him the same sermon. As he is about to leave he says that he was going to donate $100,000 to the Synagogue.
“Hold on”, says the Rabbi, “you never told me it was a Jewish horse.”
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Priest: “Don’t drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.”
Alcoholic: “Really? What about the guy who sells the liquor?”
Priest: “He will also go to Hell.”
Alcoholic: “Ok, what about the girl who sells Al Pastor tacos, and puts out in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?”
Priest: “She too will go to Hell.”
Alcoholic: “In that case, I have no problem going to Hell.”
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A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road.
They thoughtfully made a sign saying “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” and showed it to each passing car.
One driver who drove by didn’t appreciate the sign and shouted at them, “Leave us alone, you religious nuts!”
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, “You think maybe we should have just said “Bridge Out” instead?”
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Reverend Clive Morgan was completing his homily in St John’s Church about the dangers of alcohol and the need for moderation and temperance.
He announced at the end of the sermon in a loud, clear voice, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
With even greater emphasis he added, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
Finally, he intoned in an extremely serious manner, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and throw it into the river.”
The Reverend Morgan then sat down.
Jerry, St John’s leading chorister stood up and announced with a smile, “For our closing hymn this Sunday, let us sing together hymn number 109: Shall We Gather at the River.”
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A priest had 3 people at confession.
He went to Guy 1 and asked, “What sin did you commit?”
Guy 1 responded, “I murdered someone.”
The priest responded, “Drink this holy water and your sin is forgiven.”
He did so and stood back.
The priest asked Guy 2 and asked, “What sin did you commit?”
Guy 2 responded, “I cheated on my wife.”
The priest responded, “Drink this holy water and your sin is forgiven.”
He did so and stood back as well.
Then it was the 3rd person’s turn.
The priest asked him, “So, what sin did you commit?”
Nervously, Guy 3 responded, “Um…well, you see, Father…I peed in the holy water.”
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A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results.
He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, “I can’t get the mower to start!”
“That’s because you have to curse to get it started,” says the man.
“I’m a man of the cloth. I don’t even remember how to curse.”
“You keep pulling on that rope, and it’ll come back to you.”
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Funny Long Priest Jokes
A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.
One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.
Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find the manager.
“What’s with that group of players? They’re the worst I’ve ever seen! They’re holding up the course!”
The manager looks sheepish, “They’re retired firefighters, they lost their eyesight running into a burning orphanage to save the children. They love golf, so I let them play for free for charity.”
The priest looks ashamed of himself, “As a man of God, I feel terrible for getting angry at those men. At my next sermon, I’ll see if I can get a collection going for their families.”
The lawyer likewise looks chagrined, “Same here, I’ll check with my firm and see if we can’t open a case to get them awarded restitution for their pain and injuries.”
The engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?”
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A man was getting a haircut before a trip to Rome.
He mentioned the trip to his barber who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty and full of tourists. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking American Airlines,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“American Airlines?” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they’re always late. So where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump? That’s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced.
So whatcha’ doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.
You’re going to need it.”
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut.
The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful!” explained the man, “Not only were we on time in one of American Airlines brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel—it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job, and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”
“Really?” asked the barber. “What’d he say?”
“He said ‘Where’d you get the crappy haircut?’”
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A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C.
After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be.
The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord.”
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.
Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was.
The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the community.”
The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.
Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was.
The barber said, “No charge. I consider it a service to the country.”
The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.
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A Preacher wanted to raise money for his church and, being told there were fortunes in racehorses, he decided to purchase one and enter it in the races.
However, at the local auction, the going price for horses was so steep he ended up buying a donkey instead.
He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races, and to his surprise, the donkey came in third.
The next day the racing sheets carried the headlines “Preacher’s Ass shows”.
The Preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the races again and this time he won!
The papers said “Preacher’s Ass out in Front”. The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the Preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.
The newspaper printed this headline “Bishop Scratches Preacher’s Ass”. This was just too much for the Bishop and he ordered the Preacher to get rid of the animal.
The Preacher decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
The headlines the next day read “Nun has the Best Ass in Town”. The Bishop fainted.
He informed the Nun that she would have to dispose of the donkey and she finally found a farmer who was willing to buy it for $10.00.
The paper states “Nun Peddles Ass for Ten Bucks”. They buried the Bishop the next day.
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A priest and a nun are having a tennis match.
The priest is very competitive, but can’t seem to bring his A-game to the nun who is clearly better.
After a volley from the nun, the priest misses and yells: “Goddamn it! I missed!”, startling the nun.
She let it slip by and the match continues.
But alas, after a fierce backhand from the nun, the priest misses and again yells: “Goddamn it! I missed!”
“Stop it!” yells the nun. “You can’t use the Lord’s name in vain like that!”
The priest apologizes, “I’m sorry, sister. I swear to you, if I do it again, may God smite me with all his might.”
“Fair enough,” grumbles the nun.
The match continues. It’s going really well, but as fate may have it, the priest misses and slips another “Goddamn it! I missed!”
Suddenly thick, dark clouds gather in the sky and with roaring thunder, a lightning bolt shoots down to the earth and vaporizes the nun into ashes...
A thundering voice emits from the skies, “Damn it! I missed!”
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The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.
He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, “You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?”
The driver is understandably hesitant and says, “I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’m supposed to do that.”
But the Pope persists, “Please?”
The driver finally lets up, “Oh, alright, I can’t really say no to the Pope.”
So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone.
A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down.
Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: “Chief, I have a problem.”
Chief: “What sort of problem?”
Cop: “Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but it’s someone really important.”
Chief: “Important like the mayor?”
Cop: “No, no, much more important than that.”
Chief: “Important like the governor?”
Cop: “Way more important than that.”
Chief: “Like the president?”
Cop: “Much more important.”
Chief: “Who’s more important than the president?”
Cop: “I don’t know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!”
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A recently ordained priest, Father Henry, was to hold his first-ever graveside burial service at a pauper’s cemetery for a destitute man with no family or friends.
Father Henry, not knowing where the cemetery was, made several wrong turns and got lost.
He eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the spade was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.
Father Henry, being a reliable young priest went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.
Feeling guilty because of his lateness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in considerable style.
As the good Father returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say to the other, “Do you know, fancy that, I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty-five years and I ain’t never seen anything like that.”
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Long Jokes on Religion
A woman hurried to a pharmacy to pick up the medication.
When she got back to the car, she found her keys locked inside.
The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground.
She looked at it and said, “I don’t know how to use this.”
She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.
Within five minutes an old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off his cycle and asked if he could help.
She said, “Yes, my husband is sick. I forgot my keys in the car. Can you use this hanger to unlock my car?”
He said, “Sure.”
He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.
She hugged the man and through tears said, “Thank you, God, for sending me such a very nice man.”
The man heard her little prayer and replied, “Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft.”
The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, “Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a professional!”
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Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing.
The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green.
Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.
Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard.
Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole.
The old man’s turn comes and he drives the ball.
The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish.
As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish.
As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one.
Jesus looks at Moses and says, “I really think I’m leaving Dad at home next time!”
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Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.
Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing.
Confused, he asks them why they’re happy.
They tell him, “Well, we’re so sick of the cold where we’re from, and this place is nice and toasty.”
Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell’s boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.
He goes back to the Canadians’ room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down.
He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue.
Furiously, he asks them what they’re doing.
“Well, we can’t pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!”
Satan realizes he’s been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it’s at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.
He knows he’s won now, so he goes back to the Canadians’ room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.
He shouts at them in fury, “WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!”
They look at him and shout at the same time, “Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!”
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George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.
George W. approached the man and inquired, “Excuse me, are you Moses?”
The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.
George W. positioned himself more directly in the man’s view and asked again, “Aren’t you Moses?”
The man continued to peruse the ceiling.
George W. tugged at the man’s sleeve and asked once again, “Hey! Aren’t you Moses?”
The man finally responded in an irritated voice, “Yes, I am!”
George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, “The last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!”
😄 😄 😄
Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.
When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.
One day Barb said, “Rose, we both loved barrel racing all our lives, and we rode until we could hardly walk. Please do me one favor... When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s barrel racing there.”
Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, “Barb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”
Shortly after that, Rose passed on.
At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Barb, Barb.”
“Who is it?” asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”
“Barb, it’s me, Rose.”
“You’re not Rose. Rose just died.”
“I’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,” insisted the voice.
“Rose! Where are you?”
“In Heaven,” replied Rose. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”
“Tell me the good news first,” said Barb.
“The good news,” Rose said, “is that there’s barrel racing in Heaven. Better yet, all of our horses who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always summer, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can ride all we want, and our horses never get tired.”
“That’s fantastic,” said Barb. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”
“You’re up here in the slack on Friday.”
😄 😄 😄
A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.
When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive.
She then told her husband, “No mushrooms. They are too high.”
He said, “Why don’t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.”
She said, “No, some wild mushrooms are poison.”
He said, “Well, I see varmints eating them and they’re OK.”
So Karen decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.
Then she went out on the back porch and gave Ol’ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Ol’ Spot ate every bite.
All morning long, Karen watched Ol’ Spot and the wild mushrooms didn’t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.
The meal was a great success, and Karen even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.
After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes.
About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Karen’s ear.
She said, “Mrs. Grim, Ol’ Spot just died.”
Karen went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.
The doctor said, “That’s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. We’ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyone’s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.”
Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.
The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.
After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, “I think everything will be fine now,” and he left.
They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, “You know, that fellow that ran over Ol’Spot never even stopped.”
😄 😄 😄
Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, old man with long white hair and a white beard sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate.
The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.
“See here, old fellow,” said Jesus kindly, “this is heaven. The sun is shining, you’ve got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to play—you’re supposed to be blissfully happy! What’s wrong?”
“Well,” said the old man, “you see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here, in heaven, I was hoping more than anything to find him.”
Tears sprang from Jesus’ eyes.
“FATHER!” he cried.
The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, “PINOCCHIO!”
😄 😄 😄
Best 10 Jokes to Crack in Church
A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled-up newspaper around his head.
Wife: “What are you doing dear?”
Husband: “Swatting flies. I got three males and two females”
Wife: “How on Earth do you know which gender they were?”
Husband: “Easy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.”
😄 😄 😄
Pizza Man: “Do you want me to cut your pizza into eight pieces or six pieces?”
Customer: “You better make it six. I don’t think I can eat eight.”
😄 😄 😄
Mama always said “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.”
Well, I did it! Bank balance: 911!
😄 😄 😄
It was the first day of school.
Harry’s mother went into his bedroom and said, “Come on Harry, get up now. You have to go to school today.”
“But I don’t want to go to school,” replied Harry, “I want to stay in bed. Why do I have to go to school?”
“Because,” answered his mother, “you’re a teacher!”
😄 😄 😄
Math teacher: “James, what do you get when you subtract 897 from 1824 and add 176 and divide the answer by 3?”
James: “A Headache ma’am.”
😄 😄 😄
Why does a pitcher raise one leg when he throws the ball?
If he raises them both, he’d fall down.
😄 😄 😄
A man’s bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed.
“Look, being a vice president isn’t that special,” she said. “They even have a vice president of peas at the supermarket!”
Not believing her for one second, the man called the supermarket and demanded, “Get me the vice president of peas!”
The clerk replied, “Fresh, canned, or frozen?”
😄 😄 😄
Teacher: “How far have you gone with your homework, Johnny?”
Little Johnny: “About 8 kilometers miss. I went home with it and came back with it this morning.”
😄 😄 😄
A man complains to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with.
His wife said, “Well what about your friend Clyde?”
The man replied, “Would you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you aren’t looking?”
“No, I guess not,” replied his wife.
The man said, “Neither would Clyde.”
😄 😄 😄
When I was born I was so surprised I didn’t talk for a year and a half.
😄 😄 😄
Funny Clean Jokes Suitable for Church
It’s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.
😄 😄 😄
Hairdresser: “Would you like a haircut?”
Boy: “No, I’d like them all cut.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a line of men waiting to get a haircut?
A barberqueue!
😄 😄 😄
My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job.
I’m still employed. I just can’t remember where.
😄 😄 😄
When we go to the beach with the kids, we use a really strong sunblock.
It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.
😄 😄 😄
A woman asks a waiter, “What is this fly doing in my Ice cream?!”
The waiter says, “Shivering, madam.”
😄 😄 😄
I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college.
Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.
13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.
😄 😄 😄
I know a lot of jokes in sign language and I guarantee you that no one has ever heard them.
😄 😄 😄
Why did Johnny take a ruler to bed?
Because he wanted to see how long he slept!
😄 😄 😄
Which is older, the moon or the sun?
The moon, because it can stay out all night.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Somebody too short to ring the doorbell!”
😄 😄 😄
What did one flea say to the other?
“Shall we walk or take the cat?”
😄 😄 😄
Statistics show that those who have the most birthdays live the longest!
😄 😄 😄
I stopped to pick up a hitchhiker.
Turns out he was just telling me he approved of my driving.
😄 😄 😄
I play all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
😄 😄 😄
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
😄 😄 😄
After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals in the forest were happy except the Kangaroo.
When the others asked him what the reason was for such sadness, the Kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all its kids would now be playing inside.
😄 😄 😄
The boss said I should go home because I really don’t look good.
I don’t know if I should be happy to get the extra rest, or just offended.
😄 😄 😄
Customer: “Waiter, this food tastes kind of funny.”
Waiter: “Then why aren’t you laughing?”
😄 😄 😄
What’s the best thing to put into a pie?
Your teeth!
😄 😄 😄
Johnny tried to buy a toy car with monopoly money at the store.
The cashier said, “There’s no way I can take this. It’s fake.”
Johnny said, “Well, the car’s not real either.”
😄 😄 😄
Daisy: “Why do you have two different colored socks on? One’s blue, but the other is green.”
Little Johnny: “I’m not sure. It’s weird. There was another pair exactly like this one at home.”
😄 😄 😄
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Amish.”
“Amish, who?”
“Really? You don’t look like a shoe!”
😄 😄 😄
Knock! Knock!
“Who’s there?”
“Tank.”
“Tank, who?”
“You’re welcome!”
😄 😄 😄
What insect comes from the moon?
A Luna Tick!
😄 😄 😄
A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. Both the parents reprimanded the little boy and told him that these things shouldn't be discussed over the dinner table.
When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, “Papa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your spaghetti.”
😄 😄 😄
I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure-bread dog.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?
It had great food, but no atmosphere.
😄 😄 😄
What does a cat have that no other animal has?
Kittens.
😄 😄 😄
How does the German baker greet his customers?
Gluten Morgen!
😄 😄 😄
More Religion Jokes
A man sees a boy with a box of kittens. He goes over and says, “Oh, what cute kittens!”
The boy replies, “Yes, they are Christian kittens.”
About a week later, the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens.
Once again he walks over and says, “My, those are just adorable!”
The boy replies, “Yes, they are atheist kittens.”
The man asks, “Wait, weren’t they Christian before?”
The boy looks at the man and says, “Yeah, but they have their eyes open now.”
😄 😄 😄
I hate being a depressed atheist.
Nothing to live for, nothing to die for.
😄 😄 😄
An atheist was rowing on Loch Ness in Scotland one day when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat.
He panicked and shouted, “God, help me!” and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just froze.
A voice from the heavens boomed “You say you don’t believe in me, but now you’re asking for my help?”
The atheist looked up and said, “Well, ten seconds ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness Monster either.”
😄 😄 😄
How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to film it so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the atheist cross the road?
He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldn’t believe it until he tested his hypothesis.
😄 😄 😄
A young girl comes home from a date looking rather sad. Her mother asks her what’s wrong.
She says, “Bill proposed to me an hour ago.”
Her mother asks, “Why are you so sad then?”
The girl replies, “Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a hell.”
Her mother says, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the evangelical atheist?
She went door to door with a book full of blank pages.
😄 😄 😄
An atheist is someone with no invisible means of support.
😄 😄 😄
A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “What is this, Father?”
The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Son, go get your mother.”
😄 😄 😄
I was driving down the road today when I say a sign for fresh Amish cheese that read, “Made with real Amish milk.”
I didn’t even know you could milk the Amish.
😄 😄 😄
This time of year, everyone should know the symptoms of the Amish flu.
First you get a little horse, then a little buggy.
😄 😄 😄
What’s an Amish person’s favorite dried fruit?
A barn raisin’.
😄 😄 😄
You know why Amish SUVs get such bad mileage?
Because they’re real grass-guzzlers.
😄 😄 😄
A Sunni and a Shia Muslim have a child together.
They name her Sushi.
😄 😄 😄