Religious Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Religion Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Religion Jokes


Funny Religious Jokes Short



Itโ€™s so hot that Satan went back to hell to cool down.

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Friedrich Nietzsche Dies.

As he ascends to heaven, he begins to get worried that he might be wrong about atheism.

He gets even more worried when he finally reaches heaven, and it looks just like how all those religious people said it would.

Then an old man with a big white beard comes up to him, and says, โ€œIโ€™m God, looks like you were wrong about me.โ€

Nietzsche replies, โ€œNot at all. If youโ€™re up here in heaven, that just proves everything that I wrote is correct. God is dead!โ€

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Sunday school teacher: โ€œTell me, Johnny. Do you say prayers before eating?โ€

Johnny: โ€œNo, maโ€™am, I donโ€™t have to. My momโ€™s a good cook.โ€

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Boss: โ€œDo you believe in life after death?โ€

Employee: โ€œNo, because there is no proof of it.โ€

Boss: โ€œWell there is now!โ€

Employee: โ€œHow?โ€

Boss: โ€œWhen you left yesterday saying that you have to go to your uncleโ€™s funeral, your uncle came here looking for you after you left.โ€

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In the beginning, God created the earth and rested.

Then God created Man and rested.

Then God created Woman.

Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

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A guy is late for an important meeting. But he canโ€™t find a place to park. In desperation, he begins to pray:

โ€œPlease Lord, if you help me find a parking stall right now, I promise to go to church every Sunday and never drink vodka again!โ€

A moment later, he sees a beautiful empty spot right next to the entrance.

โ€œNever mind. Found one!โ€

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A bus full of ugly people had a head-on collision with a truck.

When they died, God granted all of them one wish.

The first person said, โ€œI want to be gorgeous.โ€

God snapped his fingers and it happened.

The second person said the same thing and God did the same thing. This want on and on throughout the group.

God noticed the last man in line was laughing hysterically.

By the time God got to the last ten people, the last man was laughing and rolling on the ground.

When the manโ€™s turn came, he laughed and said, โ€œI wish they were all ugly again.โ€

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Religious Jokes for Adults



When Thompson hit seventy, he decided to change his lifestyle completely so that he could live longer.

He went on a strict diet, he jogged, he swam, and he took sunbaths.

In just three months, Thompson lost thirty pounds, reduced his waist by six inches, and expanded his chest by five inches.

Svelte and tan, he decided to top it all off with a sporty new haircut. Afterward, while stepping out of the barbershop, he was hit by a bus.

As he lay dying, he cried out, โ€œGod, how could you do this to me?โ€

And a voice from the heavens responded, โ€œTo tell you the truth, Thompson, I didnโ€™t recognize you.โ€

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Look up โ€œribโ€ in the dictionary and it says โ€œTo vex, irritate or annoyโ€.

Look up โ€œribโ€ in the Bible and it says โ€œWomanโ€.

Coincidence?

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A young boy had just gotten his driving permit.

He asked his fatherโ€”who was a ministerโ€”if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said to him, โ€œIโ€™ll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut, then we will talk about it.โ€

A month later the boy came back and again asked his father if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said, โ€œSon, Iโ€™m really proud of you. You have brought your grades up, youโ€™ve studied your Bible diligently, but you didnโ€™t get hair cut!โ€

The young man waited a moment and replied, โ€œYou know Dad, Iโ€™ve been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had long hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus had long hair.โ€

His father replied, โ€œYes, son, and they walked everywhere they went!โ€

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Santa saw your Facebook pictures...

Youโ€™re getting clothes and a Bible for Christmas.

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Stephen Sondheim, John Madden, and Betty White walk up to the Pearly Gates and St. Peter says, โ€œWeโ€™re pretty full, so weโ€™re making people pass additional tests.

I know this is going to sound weird, but God has been hanging out with Chuck Yeager this week, and heโ€™s only letting in people who have a connection to Jets.โ€

All three sets of eyes light up.

Sondheim steps up and says, โ€œI wrote the definitive American musical, and it was all about a gang called the Jets.โ€

St. Peter waves him through.

John Madden says, โ€œI coached in a classic NFL game, where my Raiders beat the Jets on a last-second touchdown.โ€

Also gets waived through.

St. Peter says, โ€œOK, Betty, what about you?โ€

She smiles and says, โ€œIf heโ€™s really omniscient, he knows what I do in hot tubs...โ€

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Yo mama so fat when she died she broke the stairway to heaven.

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Punny Jokes About Religion



Whatโ€™s the difference between science and religion?

Science flies you to the moon while religion flies you into buildings.

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A donut walks into a church, approaches the priest and explains, โ€œExcuse me, Father, I donโ€™t mean to trouble you, but Iโ€™m very interested in joining the clergy. I was hoping that you could give me some pointers.โ€

The priest, after taking a moment to accept the fact that heโ€™s speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile in response.

โ€œThat is truly a noble calling,โ€ he says. โ€œMost frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to the priesthood.โ€

โ€œThat sounds like a very involved process,โ€ the donut confesses. โ€œIโ€™m not sure I have the time.โ€

โ€œIf you donโ€™t mind me asking...โ€ replies the priest. โ€œWhat made you think you wanted to join the clergy if youโ€™re not willing to commit to the process? Why do you want to be a priest at all?โ€

โ€œWell...โ€ the donut answers. โ€œSee, itโ€™s because Iโ€™m holey.โ€

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Why do you think a donut would ever become a priest?

Because it is very hole-y.

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What do you call a pastry that is a priest?

A Holy Donut.

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The other day I saw an event a local church was having at a dispensary where they were giving away donuts and spreading the Word of God.

They called it Glaze It, Blaze It, and Praise It.

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As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.

After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...

So Noah asked them, โ€œWhy arenโ€™t you multiplying?โ€

The snakes replied, โ€œWe canโ€™t, weโ€™re adders.โ€

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Whatโ€™s the motto of an ice cream shop in paradise?

Heaven ice day!

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When is the first math homework problem mentioned in the Bible?

When God told Adam and Eve to go forth and multiply.

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How many people can you fit in one Honda?

Well, the Bible said that all 12 disciples were in one Accord.

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Why are synagogues round?

So the Jews canโ€™t hide in the corner when the collection box comes around.

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Why didnโ€™t Noah ever go fishing?

He only had two worms.

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Religious Jokes Clean



The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large tray of hot dogs.

The nun posted a sign on the hot dog tray โ€œTake only one, God is watchingโ€.

Further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

One child whispered to another, โ€œTake all you want. God is watching the hot dogs.โ€

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A kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each childโ€™s artwork.

As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was.

The girl replied, โ€œIโ€™m drawing God.โ€

The teacher paused and said, โ€œBut no one knows what God looks like.โ€

Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing the girl replied, โ€œThey will in a minute.โ€

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The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

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A guy is standing in the street shouting out, โ€œI am God! I am God!โ€

The police call a social worker who comes over to see if he can help.

Walking up to the guy he asks, โ€œWhat is your name?โ€

โ€œI am God,โ€ the guy replies getting agitated.

The social worker says, โ€œCalm down. Why donโ€™t we go into this coffee shop, sit down and have a talk.โ€

As soon as they enter the shop the barista looks at the guy and exclaims, โ€œOh God, not you again!?โ€

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During a Sunday school lesson, a child learned about how God created human beings.

The child became especially focused when the teacher explained how Eve was created from Adamโ€™s ribs.

Later in the week, the boyโ€™s mother saw him lying down on the floor, so she asked him what was wrong.

His reply was priceless, โ€œMom, I have a pain in my sideโ€”I think Iโ€™m getting a wife.โ€

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Short Religious Jokes for Seniors



Why did a dog enter the church in the middle of a religious mass?

Because he was a German shepherd.

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A little boy opened the big family bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages.

Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.

โ€œMama, look what I found,โ€ the boy called out.

โ€œWhat have you got there, dear?โ€

With astonishment in the young boyโ€™s voice, he answered, โ€œI think itโ€™s Adamโ€™s underwear!โ€

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Two little boys were known troublemakers, stealing everything they could get their hands, even from the church.

One day a priest stopped one of the boys and asked, โ€œWhere is God?โ€

The boy shrugged and the priest repeated, โ€œWhere is God?โ€

The boy ran out of the cathedral crying to his home where he hid in a closet.

Eventually, his brother found him and asked, โ€œWhatโ€™s wrong?โ€

The crying boy replied, โ€œWeโ€™re in trouble now! God is missing and they think we took him!โ€

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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country.

โ€œIs there anything breakable in here?โ€, asked the postal clerk.

โ€œOnly the Ten Commandmentsโ€, answered the lady.

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Funny Religion Jokes About God and Jesus One-Liners



A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.

Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.

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Why do people say donuts are made by God?

Because they are hole-y.

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Yo mama so tall when she did a backflip she digs God in the face.

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Yo Mama is so old sheโ€™s got a Bible autographed by Jesus.

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Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died.

The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuckโ€™s gift and arranged to have him written out of the bible.

All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

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People treat me like a god.

They ignore my existence unless they want something from me.

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If God really made everythingโ€ฆ

Heโ€™s Chinese, right?

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Yo Mamaโ€™s so stupid she thinks Los Angeles is where God lives with all his angels.

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Funny Church Jokes Clean



Whatโ€™s the difference between praying in church and at the track?

At the track you really mean it!

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Mrs. Lewis, a Sunday school teacher, asked her little children one Easter Sunday, as they were on the way to the church service, โ€œAnd why is it necessary to be quiet in church?โ€

Rebecca, a bright little girl piped up, โ€œBecause people are sleeping!โ€

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Two Jewish guys are walking when one notices a sign on a Catholic church that says โ€œConvert to Christianity and weโ€™ll give you $100.โ€

The one says to the other, โ€œShould we do it?โ€

The other says โ€œNo! Are you crazy?โ€

The first guy replies โ€œHey, a hundred dollars is a hundred dollars... Iโ€™m gonna do it.โ€

So he walks into the church, and a little while later, he walks back out.

The friend says โ€œWell, did you get the money?โ€

He replies โ€œOh thatโ€™s all you people think about, isnโ€™t it?โ€

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A little girl finally got to attend a wedding for the first time.

While in the church, the girl asked her mother, โ€œWhy is the bride dressed in white?โ€

The mother replied to the girl, โ€œBecause white is the color of happiness and itโ€™s the happiest day of her life today.โ€

After a little bit, the girl looks up at her mother and says, โ€œBut, then why is the groom wearing black?โ€

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Short Jokes on Priests



A wealthy racehorse owner gets very attached to his champion horse.

It has a very successful racing career and is then retired to stud duties, where it is again very successful. Earning a fortune in stud duties.

Sadly one day the champion dies and the owner decides to give it a proper burial.

He approaches the local Anglican minister who tells him that he is only interested in saving human souls.

He then approaches the Catholic priest who tells him the same thing.

As a last resort, he asks a Rabbi who gives him the same sermon. As he is about to leave he says that he was going to donate $100,000 to the Synagogue.

โ€œHold onโ€, says the Rabbi, โ€œyou never told me it was a Jewish horse.โ€

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Priest: โ€œDonโ€™t drink too much liquor. You will go to Hell.โ€

Alcoholic: โ€œReally? What about the guy who sells the liquor?โ€

Priest: โ€œHe will also go to Hell.โ€

Alcoholic: โ€œOk, what about the girl who sells Al Pastor tacos, and puts out in the food truck outside the Liquor Store?โ€

Priest: โ€œShe too will go to Hell.โ€

Alcoholic: โ€œIn that case, I have no problem going to Hell.โ€

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A local priest and a pastor were fishing on the side of the road.

They thoughtfully made a sign saying โ€œThe End is Near! Turn yourself around now before itโ€™s too late!โ€ and showed it to each passing car.

One driver who drove by didnโ€™t appreciate the sign and shouted at them, โ€œLeave us alone, you religious nuts!โ€

All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and the priest said to the pastor, โ€œYou think maybe we should have just said โ€œBridge Outโ€ instead?โ€

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Reverend Clive Morgan was completing his homily in St Johnโ€™s Church about the dangers of alcohol and the need for moderation and temperance.

He announced at the end of the sermon in a loud, clear voice, โ€œIf I had all the beer in the world, Iโ€™d take it and throw it into the river.โ€ ย 

With even greater emphasis he added, โ€œAnd if I had all the wine in the world, Iโ€™d take it and throw it into the river.โ€

Finally, he intoned in an extremely serious manner, โ€œAnd if I had all the whiskey in the world, Iโ€™d take it and throw it into the river.โ€

The Reverend Morgan then sat down.

Jerry, St Johnโ€™s leading chorister stood up and announced with a smile, โ€œFor our closing hymn this Sunday, let us sing together hymn number 109: Shall We Gather at the River.โ€

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A priest had 3 people at confession.

He went to Guy 1 and asked, โ€œWhat sin did you commit?โ€

Guy 1 responded, โ€œI murdered someone.โ€

The priest responded, โ€œDrink this holy water and your sin is forgiven.โ€

He did so and stood back.

The priest asked Guy 2 and asked, โ€œWhat sin did you commit?โ€

Guy 2 responded, โ€œI cheated on my wife.โ€

The priest responded, โ€œDrink this holy water and your sin is forgiven.โ€

He did so and stood back as well.

Then it was the 3rd personโ€™s turn.

The priest asked him, โ€œSo, what sin did you commit?โ€

Nervously, Guy 3 responded, โ€œUmโ€ฆwell, you see, Fatherโ€ฆI peed in the holy water.โ€

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A priest buys a lawn mower at a yard sale. Back home, he pulls on the starter rope a few times with no results.

He storms back to the yard sale and tells the previous owner, โ€œI canโ€™t get the mower to start!โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s because you have to curse to get it started,โ€ says the man.

โ€œIโ€™m a man of the cloth. I donโ€™t even remember how to curse.โ€

โ€œYou keep pulling on that rope, and itโ€™ll come back to you.โ€

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Funny Long Priest Jokes



A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.

One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.

Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find the manager.

โ€œWhatโ€™s with that group of players? Theyโ€™re the worst Iโ€™ve ever seen! Theyโ€™re holding up the course!โ€

The manager looks sheepish, โ€œTheyโ€™re retired firefighters, they lost their eyesight running into a burning orphanage to save the children. They love golf, so I let them play for free for charity.โ€

The priest looks ashamed of himself, โ€œAs a man of God, I feel terrible for getting angry at those men. At my next sermon, Iโ€™ll see if I can get a collection going for their families.โ€

The lawyer likewise looks chagrined, โ€œSame here, Iโ€™ll check with my firm and see if we canโ€™t open a case to get them awarded restitution for their pain and injuries.โ€

The engineer says, โ€œWhy canโ€™t they play at night?โ€

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A man was getting a haircut before a trip to Rome.

He mentioned the trip to his barber who responded, โ€œRome? Why would anyone want to go there? Itโ€™s crowded and dirty and full of tourists. Youโ€™re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?โ€

โ€œWeโ€™re taking American Airlines,โ€ was the reply. โ€œWe got a great rate!โ€

โ€œAmerican Airlines?โ€ exclaimed the barber. โ€œThatโ€™s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and theyโ€™re always late. So where are you staying in Rome?โ€

โ€œWeโ€™ll be at the downtown International Marriott.โ€

โ€œThat dump? Thatโ€™s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and theyโ€™re overpriced.

So whatchaโ€™ doing when you get there?โ€

โ€œWeโ€™re going to go see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s rich,โ€ laughed the barber. โ€œYou and a million other people trying to see him. Heโ€™ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours.

Youโ€™re going to need it.โ€

A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut.

The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.

โ€œIt was wonderful!โ€ explained the man, โ€œNot only were we on time in one of American Airlines brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28-year-old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotelโ€”it was great! Theyโ€™d just finished a $25 million remodeling job, and now itโ€™s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!โ€

โ€œWell,โ€ muttered the barber, โ€œI know you didnโ€™t get to see the Pope.โ€

โ€œActually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if Iโ€™d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.โ€

โ€œReally?โ€ asked the barber. โ€œWhatโ€™d he say?โ€

โ€œHe said โ€˜Whereโ€™d you get the crappy haircut?โ€™โ€

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A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C.

After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be.

The barber said, โ€œNo charge. I consider it a service to the Lord.โ€

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door.

Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was.

The barber said, โ€œNo charge. I consider it a service to the community.โ€

The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer.

Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was.

The barber said, โ€œNo charge. I consider it a service to the country.โ€

The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.

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A priest and a nun are having a tennis match.

The priest is very competitive, but canโ€™t seem to bring his A-game to the nun who is clearly better.

After a volley from the nun, the priest misses and yells: โ€œGoddamn it! I missed!โ€, startling the nun.

She let it slip by and the match continues.

But alas, after a fierce backhand from the nun, the priest misses and again yells: โ€œGoddamn it! I missed!โ€

โ€œStop it!โ€ yells the nun. โ€œYou canโ€™t use the Lordโ€™s name in vain like that!โ€

The priest apologizes, โ€œIโ€™m sorry, sister. I swear to you, if I do it again, may God smite me with all his might.โ€

โ€œFair enough,โ€ grumbles the nun.

The match continues. Itโ€™s going really well, but as fate may have it, the priest misses and slips another โ€œGoddamn it! I missed!โ€

Suddenly thick, dark clouds gather in the sky and with roaring thunder, a lightning bolt shoots down to the earth and vaporizes the nun into ashes...

A thundering voice emits from the skies, โ€œDamn it! I missed!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The Pope goes to New York and gets picked up at the airport by a limousine.

He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, โ€œYou know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?โ€

The driver is understandably hesitant and says, โ€œIโ€™m sorry, but I donโ€™t think Iโ€™m supposed to do that.โ€

But the Pope persists, โ€œPlease?โ€

The driver finally lets up, โ€œOh, alright, I canโ€™t really say no to the Pope.โ€

So the Pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone.

A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the Pope to wind the window down.

Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the Pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.

Cop: โ€œChief, I have a problem.โ€

Chief: โ€œWhat sort of problem?โ€

Cop: โ€œWell, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit, but itโ€™s someone really important.โ€

Chief: โ€œImportant like the mayor?โ€

Cop: โ€œNo, no, much more important than that.โ€

Chief: โ€œImportant like the governor?โ€

Cop: โ€œWay more important than that.โ€

Chief: โ€œLike the president?โ€

Cop: โ€œMuch more important.โ€

Chief: โ€œWhoโ€™s more important than the president?โ€

Cop: โ€œI donโ€™t know but he has the Pope DRIVING for him!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A recently ordained priest, Father Henry, was to hold his first-ever graveside burial service at a pauperโ€™s cemetery for a destitute man with no family or friends.

Father Henry, not knowing where the cemetery was, made several wrong turns and got lost.

He eventually arrived an hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, the spade was next to the open hole, and the workmen were sitting under a tree eating lunch.

Father Henry, being a reliable young priest went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place.

Feeling guilty because of his lateness, he preached an impassioned and lengthy service, sending the deceased to the great beyond in considerable style.

As the good Father returned to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say to the other, โ€œDo you know, fancy that, Iโ€™ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty-five years and I ainโ€™t never seen anything like that.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Long Jokes on Religion



A woman hurried to a pharmacy to pick up the medication.

When she got back to the car, she found her keys locked inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground.

She looked at it and said, โ€œI donโ€™t know how to use this.โ€

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.

Within five minutes an old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said, โ€œYes, my husband is sick. I forgot my keys in the car. Can you use this hanger to unlock my car?โ€

He said, โ€œSure.โ€

He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.

She hugged the man and through tears said, โ€œThank you, God, for sending me such a very nice man.โ€

The man heard her little prayer and replied, โ€œLady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft.โ€

The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, โ€œOh, thank you, God! You even sent me a professional!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Jesus, Moses and an old man go golfing.

The first one to tee off is Moses. He smashes the ball and it is heading right for the water hazard before the green.

Moses raises his club, the water parts, and the ball makes it to the green.

Jesus gets up to swing, cranks it out, and it is headed for the water hazard.

Jesus closes his eyes and prays. The ball skips across the water and lands on the green two feet from the hole.

The old manโ€™s turn comes and he drives the ball.

The ball looks like it is going to drop directly into the water. A fish jumps from the water hazard swallowing the ball, as an eagle drops from the sky, grabbing the fish.

As the eagle flies over the green, a bolt of lightning strikes the eagle, making it drop the fish.

As the fish hits the green, it spits out the ball and the ball falls into the hole, making a hole in one.

Jesus looks at Moses and says, โ€œI really think Iโ€™m leaving Dad at home next time!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing.

Confused, he asks them why theyโ€™re happy.

They tell him, โ€œWell, weโ€™re so sick of the cold where weโ€™re from, and this place is nice and toasty.โ€

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hellโ€™s boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadiansโ€™ room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down.

He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue.

Furiously, he asks them what theyโ€™re doing.

โ€œWell, we canโ€™t pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!โ€

Satan realizes heโ€™s been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until itโ€™s at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth.

He knows heโ€™s won now, so he goes back to the Canadiansโ€™ room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.

He shouts at them in fury, โ€œWHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!โ€

They look at him and shout at the same time, โ€œHell froze over! That means the Leafs won!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


George W. Bush, in an airport lobby, noticed a man in a long flowing white robe with a long flowing white beard and flowing white hair. The man had a staff in one hand and some stone tablets under the other arm.

George W. approached the man and inquired, โ€œExcuse me, are you Moses?โ€

The man ignored George W. and stared at the ceiling.

George W. positioned himself more directly in the manโ€™s view and asked again, โ€œArenโ€™t you Moses?โ€

The man continued to peruse the ceiling.

George W. tugged at the manโ€™s sleeve and asked once again, โ€œHey! Arenโ€™t you Moses?โ€

The man finally responded in an irritated voice, โ€œYes, I am!โ€

George W. asked him why he was so uppity and the man replied, โ€œThe last time I spoke to a Bush I had to spend forty years in the desert!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, โ€œRose, we both loved barrel racing all our lives, and we rode until we could hardly walk. Please do me one favor... When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if thereโ€™s barrel racing there.โ€

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, โ€œBarb, youโ€™ve been my best friend for many years. If itโ€™s at all possible, Iโ€™ll do this favor for you.โ€

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, โ€œBarb, Barb.โ€

โ€œWho is it?โ€ asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. โ€œWho is it?โ€

โ€œBarb, itโ€™s me, Rose.โ€

โ€œYouโ€™re not Rose. Rose just died.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m telling you, itโ€™s me, Rose,โ€ insisted the voice.

โ€œRose! Where are you?โ€

โ€œIn Heaven,โ€ replied Rose. โ€œI have some really good news and a little bad news.โ€

โ€œTell me the good news first,โ€ said Barb.

โ€œThe good news,โ€ Rose said, โ€œis that thereโ€™s barrel racing in Heaven. Better yet, all of our horses who died before us are here, too. Better than that, weโ€™re all young again. Better still, itโ€™s always summer, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can ride all we want, and our horses never get tired.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s fantastic,โ€ said Barb. โ€œItโ€™s beyond my wildest dreams! So whatโ€™s the bad news?โ€

โ€œYouโ€™re up here in the slack on Friday.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-smothered steak. But mushrooms are expensive.

She then told her husband, โ€œNo mushrooms. They are too high.โ€

He said, โ€œWhy donโ€™t you go down in the pasture and pick some of those mushrooms? There are plenty in the creek bed.โ€

She said, โ€œNo, some wild mushrooms are poison.โ€

He said, โ€œWell, I see varmints eating them and theyโ€™re OK.โ€

So Karen decided to give it a try. She picked a bunch, washed, sliced, and diced them for her smothered steak.

Then she went out on the back porch and gave Olโ€™ Spot (the yard dog) a double handful. Olโ€™ Spot ate every bite.

All morning long, Karen watched Olโ€™ Spot and the wild mushrooms didnโ€™t seem to affect him, so she decided to use them.

The meal was a great success, and Karen even hired a helper lady from town to help her serve. She had on a white apron and a fancy little cap on her head.

After everyone had finished, they relaxed, socialized, and played 42 and dominoes.

About then, the helper lady from town came in and whispered in Karenโ€™s ear.

She said, โ€œMrs. Grim, Olโ€™ Spot just died.โ€

Karen went into hysterics. After she finally calmed down, she called the doctor and told him what had happened.

The doctor said, โ€œThatโ€™s bad, but I think we can take care of it. I will call for an ambulance and I will be there as quick as possible. Weโ€™ll give everyone enemas and we will pump out everyoneโ€™s stomach. Everything will be fine. Just keep them calm.โ€

Soon they could hear the siren as the ambulance was coming down the road.

The EMTs and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema, and pumped out their stomach.

After the last one was finished, the doctor came out and said, โ€œI think everything will be fine now,โ€ and he left.

They were all looking pretty weak sitting around the living room and about this time the helper lady came in and said, โ€œYou know, that fellow that ran over Olโ€™Spot never even stopped.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Jesus made his usual rounds in heaven when he noticed a wizened, old man with long white hair and a white beard sitting in a corner looking very disconsolate.

The next week he was disturbed to come across him again, looking equally miserable, and a week later he stopped to talk to him.

โ€œSee here, old fellow,โ€ said Jesus kindly, โ€œthis is heaven. The sun is shining, youโ€™ve got all you could want to eat, all the instruments you might want to playโ€”youโ€™re supposed to be blissfully happy! Whatโ€™s wrong?โ€

โ€œWell,โ€ said the old man, โ€œyou see, I was a carpenter on earth, and lost my only, dearly beloved son at an early age. And here, in heaven, I was hoping more than anything to find him.โ€

Tears sprang from Jesusโ€™ eyes.

โ€œFATHER!โ€ he cried.

The old man jumped to his feet, bursting into tears, and sobbed, โ€œPINOCCHIO!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Best 10 Jokes to Crack in Church



A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled-up newspaper around his head.

Wife: โ€œWhat are you doing dear?โ€

Husband: โ€œSwatting flies. I got three males and two femalesโ€

Wife: โ€œHow on Earth do you know which gender they were?โ€

Husband: โ€œEasy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Pizza Man: โ€œDo you want me to cut your pizza into eight pieces or six pieces?โ€

Customer: โ€œYou better make it six. I donโ€™t think I can eat eight.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Mama always said โ€œWork until your bank account looks like a phone number.โ€

Well, I did it! Bank balance: 911!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


It was the first day of school.

Harryโ€™s mother went into his bedroom and said, โ€œCome on Harry, get up now. You have to go to school today.โ€

โ€œBut I donโ€™t want to go to school,โ€ replied Harry, โ€œI want to stay in bed. Why do I have to go to school?โ€

โ€œBecause,โ€ answered his mother, โ€œyouโ€™re a teacher!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Math teacher: โ€œJames, what do you get when you subtract 897 from 1824 and add 176 and divide the answer by 3?โ€

James: โ€œA Headache maโ€™am.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why does a pitcher raise one leg when he throws the ball?

If he raises them both, heโ€™d fall down.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A manโ€™s bragging about his promotion to vice president got so out of hand even his wife was annoyed.

โ€œLook, being a vice president isnโ€™t that special,โ€ she said. โ€œThey even have a vice president of peas at the supermarket!โ€

Not believing her for one second, the man called the supermarket and demanded, โ€œGet me the vice president of peas!โ€

The clerk replied, โ€œFresh, canned, or frozen?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Teacher: โ€œHow far have you gone with your homework, Johnny?โ€

Little Johnny: โ€œAbout 8 kilometers miss. I went home with it and came back with it this morning.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man complains to his wife about not having anyone to play golf with.

His wife said, โ€œWell what about your friend Clyde?โ€

The man replied, โ€œWould you want to play with someone who cheats on his score and moves the ball when you arenโ€™t looking?โ€

โ€œNo, I guess not,โ€ replied his wife.

The man said, โ€œNeither would Clyde.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When I was born I was so surprised I didnโ€™t talk for a year and a half.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Funny Clean Jokes Suitable for Church



Itโ€™s so hot the birds are using oven mitts to pull worms out of the ground.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Hairdresser: โ€œWould you like a haircut?โ€

Boy: โ€œNo, Iโ€™d like them all cut.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a line of men waiting to get a haircut?

A barberqueue!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My memory has gotten so bad it has actually caused me to lose my job.

Iโ€™m still employed. I just canโ€™t remember where.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When we go to the beach with the kids, we use a really strong sunblock.

Itโ€™s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman asks a waiter, โ€œWhat is this fly doing in my Ice cream?!โ€

The waiter says, โ€œShivering, madam.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I got my first job as an accountant at 22, right out of college.

Suddenly, the week after I turned 30, they fired me.

13 years of loyal service to the company, down the drain.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I know a lot of jokes in sign language and I guarantee you that no one has ever heard them.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did Johnny take a ruler to bed?

Because he wanted to see how long he slept!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Which is older, the moon or the sun?

The moon, because it can stay out all night.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œSomebody too short to ring the doorbell!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What did one flea say to the other?

โ€œShall we walk or take the cat?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Statistics show that those who have the most birthdays live the longest!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I stopped to pick up a hitchhiker.

Turns out he was just telling me he approved of my driving.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I play all the right notes, but not necessarily in the right order.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?

To reach the high notes.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why is a piano so hard to open?

Because the keys are on the inside.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals in the forest were happy except the Kangaroo.

When the others asked him what the reason was for such sadness, the Kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all its kids would now be playing inside.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The boss said I should go home because I really donโ€™t look good.

I donโ€™t know if I should be happy to get the extra rest, or just offended.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Customer: โ€œWaiter, this food tastes kind of funny.โ€

Waiter: โ€œThen why arenโ€™t you laughing?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s the best thing to put into a pie?

Your teeth!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Johnny tried to buy a toy car with monopoly money at the store.

The cashier said, โ€œThereโ€™s no way I can take this. Itโ€™s fake.โ€

Johnny said, โ€œWell, the carโ€™s not real either.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Daisy: โ€œWhy do you have two different colored socks on? Oneโ€™s blue, but the other is green.โ€

Little Johnny: โ€œIโ€™m not sure. Itโ€™s weird. There was another pair exactly like this one at home.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why do seagulls fly over the sea?

Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!ย 

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€ ย 

โ€œAmish.โ€ย 

โ€œAmish, who?โ€ ย 

โ€œReally? You donโ€™t look like a shoe!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Knock! Knock!

โ€œWhoโ€™s there?โ€

โ€œTank.โ€

โ€œTank, who?โ€

โ€œYouโ€™re welcome!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What insect comes from the moon?

A Luna Tick!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. Both the parents reprimanded the little boy and told him that these things shouldn't be discussed over the dinner table.

When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, โ€œPapa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your spaghetti.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I canโ€™t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.

I guess thatโ€™s what I get for buying a pure-bread dog.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What does a cat have that no other animal has?

Kittens.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How does the German baker greet his customers?

Gluten Morgen!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


More Religion Jokes



A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk fall out of a plane.

The Buddhist monk says, โ€œIt will be okay, for we shall all be reincarnated.โ€

The priest says, โ€œIt will be okay, for we shall all meet in Heaven.โ€

The rabbi says, โ€œAm I the only one who remembered we were going skydiving today?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the Buddhist coroner get fired?

He kept listing the cause of death as birth.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A lost hiker is on one side of a raging river when he sees a Buddhist monk on the other side.

There are no bridges. He has no boat.

He shouts out to the monk on the opposite bank, โ€œHow do I get to the other side?โ€

The Buddhist monk shouts back, โ€œYou are on the other side!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused a Novocain injection during root canal treatment?

He wanted to transcend dental medication.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A Tibetan monk sees the face of Jesus in a tub of margarine.

He immediately raises his eyes to the heavens and exclaims, โ€œI canโ€™t believe itโ€™s not Buddha!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man walks up to the pearly gates.

Saint Peter asks, โ€œHow did you get here?โ€

The man answers, โ€œFlu.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


There is rumor of a new โ€œAmish Fluโ€ out of Pennsylvania.

The symptoms are low grade fever, and you will get a little horse and buggy.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you hear that the pope got the bird flu?

Apparently he got it from a cardinal.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home, he spotted a nun walking down the road.

After looking at her twice, he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.

Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.

As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs, he looked back and shouted, โ€œI thought youโ€™d be tougher than that, Batman!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why did the nun become an archaeologist?

She had a knack for digging up old habits.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One evening, as she was sitting by the window of her room in the convent, Sister Ruth opened the letter from home that her parents had sent to her.

Inside the letter, was a $100 bill, a generous gift from her parents.

Sister Ruth smiled at the gesture, pondering what to do with the money, since living in the convent she didnโ€™t really need any.

As she read the letter, sitting by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote โ€œDonโ€™t despair. Sister Ruthโ€, on a piece of paper.

She then wrapped the $100 bill in it, managed to catch the manโ€™s attention, and tossed the paper out of the window to him.

The stranger picked it up, then with a puzzled expression on his face and a tip of his hat, off he went down the street.

The next day, Sister Ruth was told that a man was at the door of the convent, and he insisted on seeing her.

She went downstairs, where she found the stranger waiting for her.

Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

โ€œWhatโ€™s this?โ€ she asked, puzzled and confused.

โ€œThatโ€™s the $8,000 you have coming, Sisterโ€, the man replied. โ€œDonโ€™t Despair won the race at 80:1 odds!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How many pretty girls are there at a monastery?

Nun.

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Why do nuns always wear black and white?

No particular reason, itโ€™s just a habit they have.

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How did the Catholic priest finish the marathon?

He was second to nun.

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Why does it take so long for a nun to get her clothes?

It takes 21 days to make a habit.

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How many nuns are there in a temple?

Nun.

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What do nuns do?

Nunthing.

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How many Catholics can you fit in a habit?

Nun.

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What do you call a nun with a drinking problem?

A bad habit.

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Female monasteries are nun-profit.

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What is black and white, black and white, black and white?

A nun rolling down a hill.

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What do you call oyster nuns?

Cloisters.

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Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign which reads, โ€œYouโ€™re headed down a dark and dangerous path, turn back before itโ€™s too late!โ€

The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later, a loud crash is heard.

One of the nuns thoughtfully says, โ€œSister, shall we just write โ€˜Attention, the bridge is demolishedโ€™?โ€

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I try to avoid making nun jokes, but itโ€™s a farce of habit.

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A guy runs into a bar, and yells, โ€œQuick! How tall is a penguin?โ€

The bartender says, โ€œThree feet tall.โ€

The guy says, โ€œOh my God! I just ran over a nun!โ€

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I met a nun that wiped her nose on her clothes.

She had a nasty habit.

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A man was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a bar for a drink.

Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup, the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society, how it was the root of all the cityโ€™s problems.

Slightly annoyed at having to listen to the nun, the man told her, โ€œListen, sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesnโ€™t make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs, and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!โ€

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, โ€œI see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed...โ€

โ€œLook there you go again,โ€ said the man, โ€œHow can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even tried alcohol?โ€

โ€œOf course not!โ€ gasped the nun, โ€œThe evil alcohol has never touched my lips.โ€

โ€œDo you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?โ€

โ€œWell, I really donโ€™t know ...โ€

โ€œIโ€™ll tell you what, come into the bar with me, and Iโ€™ll buy you a drink. One drink. Iโ€™ll prove to you that evil is not inside the glass, itโ€™s inside the person.โ€

โ€œOh, I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, itโ€™s out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit youโ€™ve aroused a curiosity in me.โ€

โ€œWell, letโ€™s go inside and settle this.โ€

โ€œNo, my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this? Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this scotch you mentioned. Bring it out to me and Iโ€™ll try it.โ€

โ€œYouโ€™re on!โ€ said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup.

He went into the bar and said to the bartender, โ€œTwo scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please.โ€

The bartender sighed and said, โ€œIs that darn โ€œnunโ€ out there again?!โ€

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One night, a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

โ€œMy daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures, and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish,โ€ said God.

โ€œDear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy, and I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing. I feel content in all ways,โ€ said the nun.

โ€œThere must be something you would have of me,โ€ said God.

โ€œWell, there is one thing,โ€ she said.

โ€œJust name it,โ€ said God.

โ€œItโ€™s those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop.โ€

โ€œConsider it done,โ€ said God. โ€œBlonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you.โ€

โ€œThere is one thing. But itโ€™s really small, and not worth your time,โ€ said the nun.

โ€œName it. Please,โ€ said God.

โ€œItโ€™s the M&Mโ€™s,โ€ said the nun. โ€œTheyโ€™re so hard to peel.โ€

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The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superiorโ€™s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

โ€œMotherโ€, the nuns pleaded, โ€œPlease give us some wisdom before you die.โ€

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, โ€œDonโ€™t sell that cow.โ€

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While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.

One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem.

She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, โ€œThis is for washing our hair.โ€

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer, โ€œThe curlers are on me.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas.

As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them, noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help.

When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didnโ€™t have a bucket or a can.

Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from the trunk and asked the trucker if it would do. He said it would and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts into the pan.

He then handed the pan to the sisters, got back into his truck, and waved goodbye.

While the nuns were carefully pouring the precious fuel into their gas tank, a cop happened by.

He stopped and watched them for a few moments, then said, โ€œSisters, somehow I donโ€™t think thatโ€™s going to work, but I sure do admire your faith.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Three boys on the playground were bragging about their dads.

One said, โ€œMy dad scribbles a few words, calls it a song, and they pay him 50 bucks.โ€

โ€œOh, yah. My dad scribbles a few words, calls it a poem, and they pay him 100 bucks.โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s nothing,โ€ said the third kid. โ€œMy dad scribbles a few words, calls it a sermon, and it takes six people to collect all the money!โ€

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What do you call a sleep walking Nun?

A Roaminโ€™ Catholic.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why are dyslexic people religious?

Because they think god is manโ€™s best friend.

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Yo daddy so fat when God said โ€œlet there be lightโ€, he asked him to move out of the way.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An elderly rabbi was once on an airplane to Israel sitting next to a self-professed atheist. They were amicably chatting the whole trip.

Now and then, the rabbiโ€™s grandchild, sitting in another row, would come over to him, bringing him a drink, or asking if he could get anything to make him more comfortable.

After this happened several times, the atheist sighed, โ€œI wish my grandchildren would treat me with such respect. They hardly even say hello to me. Whatโ€™s your secret?โ€

The rabbi replied, โ€œThink about it. To my grandchildren, I am two generations closer to Adam and Eve, the two individuals made by the hand of God. So they look up to me.

But according to the philosophy which you teach your grandchildren, you are two generations closer to being an ape. So why should they look up to you?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Why are so many computer scientists atheists?

Because praying for a bug fix is guaranteed to fail.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man sees a boy with a box of kittens. He goes over and says, โ€œOh, what cute kittens!โ€

The boy replies, โ€œYes, they are Christian kittens.โ€

About a week later, the man sees the boy again with the same batch of kittens.

Once again he walks over and says, โ€œMy, those are just adorable!โ€

The boy replies, โ€œYes, they are atheist kittens.โ€

The man asks, โ€œWait, werenโ€™t they Christian before?โ€

The boy looks at the man and says, โ€œYeah, but they have their eyes open now.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I hate being a depressed atheist.

Nothing to live for, nothing to die for.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An atheist was rowing on Loch Ness in Scotland one day when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat.

He panicked and shouted, โ€œGod, help me!โ€ and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just froze.

A voice from the heavens boomed โ€œYou say you donโ€™t believe in me, but now youโ€™re asking for my help?โ€

The atheist looked up and said, โ€œWell, ten seconds ago I didnโ€™t believe in the Loch Ness Monster either.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?

Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to film it so fundamentalists wonโ€™t claim that god did it.

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Why did the atheist cross the road?

He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldnโ€™t believe it until he tested his hypothesis.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A young girl comes home from a date looking rather sad. Her mother asks her whatโ€™s wrong.

She says, โ€œBill proposed to me an hour ago.โ€

Her mother asks, โ€œWhy are you so sad then?โ€

The girl replies, โ€œBecause he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesnโ€™t even believe thereโ€™s a hell.โ€

Her mother says, โ€œMarry him anyway. Between the two of us, weโ€™ll show him how wrong he is.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Did you hear about the evangelical atheist?

She went door to door with a book full of blank pages.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An atheist is someone with no invisible means of support.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.

They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, โ€œWhat is this, Father?โ€

The father, never having seen an elevator, responded, โ€œSon, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I donโ€™t know what it is.โ€

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, โ€œSon, go get your mother.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was driving down the road today when I say a sign for fresh Amish cheese that read, โ€œMade with real Amish milk.โ€

I didnโ€™t even know you could milk the Amish.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whatโ€™s an Amish personโ€™s favorite dried fruit?

A barn raisinโ€™.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


You know why Amish SUVs get such bad mileage?

Because theyโ€™re real grass-guzzlers.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A Sunni and a Shia Muslim have a child together.

They name her Sushi.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A Buddhist monk, visiting New York City for the first time in twenty years, walked up to a hot dog vendor, handed him a twenty-dollar bill, and said, โ€œMake me one with everything.โ€

The vendor pocketed the money and handed the Buddhist monk his hot dog.

The monk, after waiting for a moment, asked for his change.

The vendor looked at him and said, โ€œChange comes from within.โ€

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