Enjoy our team's carefully selected Reading Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.
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A Polish man married an American girl, and though his English wasn’t very good, they got along very well.
One day, he rushes into a lawyer’s office and asks him to arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer says that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asks him the following questions.
Lawyer: “Have you any grounds?”
Polish man: “Yes, an acre and half and a nice little home.”
Lawyer: “No, I mean, what is the foundation of this case?”
Polish man: “It’s made of concrete.”
Lawyer: “I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?”
Polish man: “No, we have a carport, and not need one.”
Lawyer: “I mean, what are your relations like?”
Polish man: “All my relations are still in Poland.”
Lawyer: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
Polish man: “We have a hi-fidelity stereo and a good DVD player.”
Lawyer: “Does your wife beat you up?”
Polish man: “No, I always get up before her.”
Lawyer: “Why do you want this divorce?”
Polish man: “She’s going to kill me.”
Lawyer: “What makes you think that?” Polish man: “I’ve got proof.”
Lawyer: “What kind of proof?”
Polish man: “She’s going to poison me. She bought a bottle at the drugstore and put it on the shelf in the bathroom. I can read English pretty well, and it says: POLISH REMOVER.”
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A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids.
He went to a shop and found a nice-looking VR set.
Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, “What happens if this doesn’t work?”
The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads, ‘GUARANTEE NO SPOILED’.
Feeling assured, he paid for the VR set and returns to his hotel.
He tried to use the VR set after returning to the hotel, but it wouldn’t even switch on.
He quickly returned to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit.
When the shopkeeper refuses to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of the guarantee.
The shopkeeper then said, “Brother, you are in China. We read from the right to the left.”
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I’ve just started to read a horror novel in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
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A man loses his thesaurus, which he uses all the time.
He searches all over his house for it. He’s double-checked everywhere, but he just can’t find it.
Fed up with searching, he decides to ask his family members. His daughter loves reading books, so he decided to ask her first.
Man: “Did you take my thesaurus?”
Daughter: “I didn’t take your thesaurus, I was just reading my favorite book. Maybe ask my brother? He always tries to reach into high cabinets, so he might have taken it to stand on.”
So the man goes off and to look for his son. He finds his son sitting on the couch, playing video games.
Man: “Did you take my thesaurus?”
Son: “Of course not, I hate reading. Ask mom, she might have it.”
So the man looks for his wife, but she isn’t home. He starts getting really frustrated.
He goes to the stables to search for her. He goes in, but there’s just their horse standing there.
The man, frustrated, decides to amuse himself, “I don’t suppose YOU know where my thesaurus is, right?”
Horse: “Nope. Oops, I mean Neighhhh!”
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I remember the day my ex sent me a breakup text, my mom asked me what I was reading.
I told her, “Tips to cook delicious food.”
And then she asked me why I was crying.
I answered, “I have reached where they are cutting onions.”
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I prefer to read poetry in braille for some reason.
I just really feel the words a lot more.
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I’m reading a romance book in Braille. I don’t think I’ll finish.
It’s too touchy-feely for me.
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I read a joke about colors once.
It blue my mind.
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This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it.
I wish I could have read the signs.
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Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read:
“Here lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan.”
So, one of them asked the other: “When the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?”
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The bathroom door at my workplace has a sign that reads “Please use toilet brush after using the toilet”.
Will it be okay to ask my employer to provide a softer brush so it hurts less?
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Why do vegans lose their eyesight earlier than meat-eaters?
From reading all those tiny ingredient labels.
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Why didn’t SpongeBob hear the doorbell when he was reading his magazine?
Because he was too absorbed in his reading.
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A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.
While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.
The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.
He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.
He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.
He goes over and asks her if she is OK.
She replies yes.
He asks what she is doing.
She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.
She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said:
FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.
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I’ve got another example of the importance of Oxford commas.
I passed a headstone the other day which read “Here lies Tyler Goetz, a lawyer and a good man”.
I just can’t believe the three of them agreed on such ambiguous syntax.
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Why couldn’t the computer science student read his textbook?
He couldn’t find page 404.
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Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy, I break out in hives.
I think I’m allergic to Peanuts.
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How is a colonoscopy like reading a book?
Once you reach the appendix, you’re done.
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A woman was reading a newspaper one morning and said to her husband, “Look at this, dear. There’s an article here about a man who traded his wife for a season ticket to Arsenal. You wouldn’t do a thing like that, would you?”
“Of course I wouldn’t!” replied her husband. “The season’s almost over!”
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I was driving down the road today when I say a sign for fresh Amish cheese that read, “Made with real Amish milk.”
I didn’t even know you could milk the Amish.
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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.
“Can you read this?” the optician asked.
“What do you mean if I can read this?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the dude.”
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A bear, a wolf, and a moose fall into a trapping pit.
After a couple days with no food, the moose sees the wolf and bear whispering to each other.
The wolf turns to the moose and says, “Look, the bear and I are both carnivores. It’s been a couple days without food. You understand, right?”
The moose says, “Yeah, I guess you’re right. But, listen before you kill and eat me, can I just ask for one last request? There is this birthmark under my tail that supposedly looks like a word, but I’ve never known what it says. Do you think you could take a look and tell me?”
The wolf says, “Of course.”
So the wolf and bear get close to the back of the moose and lift up his tail. Right at that moment, the moose gets up on his front legs and kicks both the wolf and bear in the chest.
The wolf is killed instantly. The bear is fatally wounded, and with his dying breath says, “I don’t even know why the hell I looked. I can’t even read.”
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What do you find out after reading a biography of Michael Jackson?
That he had a colored past.
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I taught my son speed reading and I’m proud to say that he managed to finish “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone” in an hour and a half.
I know it’s only six words, but it’s a start.
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A small business owner was dismayed when a brand new corporate chain much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST BLACK FRIDAY DEALS.
He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST BLACK FRIDAY PRICES.
The small business owner panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read MAIN ENTRANCE.
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April 5th. National Read a Map Day.
Got an email from Google Earth proudly stating that they can read maps backwards.
I thought to myself, “That’s just spam.”
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Many were present at the funeral today of the oldest and unfunniest comedian.
In tribute, the vicar read out one of his jokes, and the congregation had two minutes of silence.
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Santa calls the Help Desk to complain to a computer problem.
Santa: “When I type computer password, it just shows star star star star. What’s the problem?”
Help Desk: “Dear Santa, those stars are to protect you, so that if a person is standing behind, he can’t read your password.”
Santa: “Yeah, but stars appear even when there is no one standing behind me!”
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Ever since 2017, my New Year’s resolution has been to work on my novel.
Many years going and I’ve almost finished reading it!
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April Fools’ Day.
The day, every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
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Why did the bodybuilder read the dictionary?
He was trying to learn how to define muscle.
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My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
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A man was riding on the bus and reading an article about life and death statistics.
Then, fascinated, he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says, “Did you know that every time I breathe, somebody dies?”
The fellow turns to him and says, “Have you tried mouthwash?”
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Did you hear about the physicist who was reading a great book on anti-gravity?
He couldn’t put it down.
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What do aliens like to read?
Comet books!
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What will reading sun jokes under the sun make you?
Well red.
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A doctor is giving a talk at a symposium. Like any good public speaker, he wrote his speech out on notecards.
Unfortunately, when he gets up to the podium, he finds that he just can’t read his notes.
So, he says to the audience, “Is there a pharmacist in the house?”
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A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing.
Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his day’s work.
After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant.
Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation.
His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message:
“Debits in the column toward the file cabinet.
Credits in the column toward the window.”
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I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.
A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.
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Chuck Norris doesn’t read books.
He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
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A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.
The women need to, buy another, but only have $500.
The redhead tells the blonde, “I will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.”
She goes to the market and finds one for $499.
Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.
Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word “comfortable”.
Skeptical, the operator asks, “How will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?”
The redhead replies, “She's a blonde so she reads slow: ‘Come for ta bull’.”
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