Reading Jokes

Enjoy our team's carefully selected Reading Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!

Reading Jokes

The high school music teacher was controversial for having his students read band books.

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A Polish man married an American girl, and though his English wasnโ€™t very good, they got along very well.

One day, he rushes into a lawyerโ€™s office and asks him to arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer says that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asks him the following questions.

Lawyer: โ€œHave you any grounds?โ€

Polish man: โ€œYes, an acre and half and a nice little home.โ€

Lawyer: โ€œNo, I mean, what is the foundation of this case?โ€

Polish man: โ€œItโ€™s made of concrete.โ€

Lawyer: โ€œI donโ€™t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?โ€

Polish man: โ€œNo, we have a carport, and not need one.โ€

Lawyer: โ€œI mean, what are your relations like?โ€

Polish man: โ€œAll my relations are still in Poland.โ€

Lawyer: โ€œIs there any infidelity in your marriage?โ€

Polish man: โ€œWe have a hi-fidelity stereo and a good DVD player.โ€

Lawyer: โ€œDoes your wife beat you up?โ€

Polish man: โ€œNo, I always get up before her.โ€

Lawyer: โ€œWhy do you want this divorce?โ€

Polish man: โ€œSheโ€™s going to kill me.โ€

Lawyer: โ€œWhat makes you think that?โ€ Polish man: โ€œIโ€™ve got proof.โ€

Lawyer: โ€œWhat kind of proof?โ€

Polish man: โ€œSheโ€™s going to poison me. She bought a bottle at the drugstore and put it on the shelf in the bathroom. I can read English pretty well, and it says: POLISH REMOVER.โ€

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A man went on a business trip to China and wanted to buy some gifts for his kids.

He went to a shop and found a nice-looking VR set.

Wary of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, โ€œWhat happens if this doesnโ€™t work?โ€

The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that reads, โ€˜GUARANTEE NO SPOILEDโ€™.

Feeling assured, he paid for the VR set and returns to his hotel.

He tried to use the VR set after returning to the hotel, but it wouldnโ€™t even switch on.

He quickly returned to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange for another unit.

When the shopkeeper refuses to give either, the man points to the sign assuring him of the guarantee.

The shopkeeper then said, โ€œBrother, you are in China. We read from the right to the left.โ€

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Iโ€™ve just started to read a horror novel in braille.

Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.

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A man loses his thesaurus, which he uses all the time.

He searches all over his house for it. Heโ€™s double-checked everywhere, but he just canโ€™t find it.

Fed up with searching, he decides to ask his family members. His daughter loves reading books, so he decided to ask her first.

Man: โ€œDid you take my thesaurus?โ€

Daughter: โ€œI didnโ€™t take your thesaurus, I was just reading my favorite book. Maybe ask my brother? He always tries to reach into high cabinets, so he might have taken it to stand on.โ€

So the man goes off and to look for his son. He finds his son sitting on the couch, playing video games.

Man: โ€œDid you take my thesaurus?โ€

Son: โ€œOf course not, I hate reading. Ask mom, she might have it.โ€

So the man looks for his wife, but she isnโ€™t home. He starts getting really frustrated.

He goes to the stables to search for her. He goes in, but thereโ€™s just their horse standing there.

The man, frustrated, decides to amuse himself, โ€œI donโ€™t suppose YOU know where my thesaurus is, right?โ€

Horse: โ€œNope. Oops, I mean Neighhhh!โ€

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I remember the day my ex sent me a breakup text, my mom asked me what I was reading.

I told her, โ€œTips to cook delicious food.โ€

And then she asked me why I was crying.

I answered, โ€œI have reached where they are cutting onions.โ€

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I prefer to read poetry in braille for some reason.

I just really feel the words a lot more.

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Iโ€™m reading a romance book in Braille.ย I donโ€™t think Iโ€™ll finish.

Itโ€™s too touchy-feely for me.

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I read a joke about colors once.

It blue my mind.

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This deaf girl used to flirt with me constantly, but I was oblivious to it.

I wish I could have read the signs.

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Two blokes were walking through a cemetery when they happened upon a tombstone that read:

โ€œHere lies John Sweeney, a good man and a Chelsea fan.โ€

So, one of them asked the other: โ€œWhen the hell did they start putting two people in one grave?โ€

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The bathroom door at my workplace has a sign that reads โ€œPlease use toilet brush after using the toiletโ€.

Will it be okay to ask my employer to provide a softer brush so it hurts less?

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Why do vegans lose their eyesight earlier than meat-eaters?

From reading all those tiny ingredient labels.

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Why didnโ€™t SpongeBob hear the doorbell when he was reading his magazine?

Because he was too absorbed in his reading.

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A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid. So she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint.

He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time.

He goes over and asks her if she is OK.

She replies yes.

He asks what she is doing.

She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house.

He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat.

She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said:


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Iโ€™ve got another example of the importance of Oxford commas.

I passed a headstone the other day which read โ€œHere lies Tyler Goetz, a lawyer and a good manโ€.

I just canโ€™t believe the three of them agreed on such ambiguous syntax.

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Why couldnโ€™t the computer science student read his textbook?

He couldnโ€™t find page 404.

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Lately, whenever I read a comic strip about Charlie Brown or Snoopy, I break out in hives.

I think Iโ€™m allergic to Peanuts.

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How is a colonoscopy like reading a book?

Once you reach the appendix, youโ€™re done.

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A woman was reading a newspaper one morning and said to her husband, โ€œLook at this, dear. Thereโ€™s an article here about a man who traded his wife for a season ticket to Arsenal. You wouldnโ€™t do a thing like that, would you?โ€

โ€œOf course I wouldnโ€™t!โ€ replied her husband. โ€œThe seasonโ€™s almost over!โ€

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I was driving down the road today when I say a sign for fresh Amish cheese that read, โ€œMade with real Amish milk.โ€

I didnโ€™t even know you could milk the Amish.

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A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driverโ€™s license. First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.

โ€œCan you read this?โ€ the optician asked.

โ€œWhat do you mean if I can read this?โ€ the Polish guy replied, โ€œI know the dude.โ€

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A bear, a wolf, and a moose fall into a trapping pit.

After a couple days with no food, the moose sees the wolf and bear whispering to each other.

The wolf turns to the moose and says, โ€œLook, the bear and I are both carnivores. Itโ€™s been a couple days without food. You understand, right?โ€

The moose says, โ€œYeah, I guess youโ€™re right. But, listen before you kill and eat me, can I just ask for one last request? There is this birthmark under my tail that supposedly looks like a word, but Iโ€™ve never known what it says. Do you think you could take a look and tell me?โ€

The wolf says, โ€œOf course.โ€

So the wolf and bear get close to the back of the moose and lift up his tail. Right at that moment, the moose gets up on his front legs and kicks both the wolf and bear in the chest.

The wolf is killed instantly. The bear is fatally wounded, and with his dying breath says, โ€œI donโ€™t even know why the hell I looked. I canโ€™t even read.โ€

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What do you find out after reading a biography of Michael Jackson?

That he had a colored past.

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I taught my son speed reading and Iโ€™m proud to say that he managed to finish โ€œHarry Potter and the Philosopherโ€™s Stoneโ€ in an hour and a half.

I know itโ€™s only six words, but itโ€™s a start.

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A small business owner was dismayed when a brand new corporate chain much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST BLACK FRIDAY DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST BLACK FRIDAY PRICES.

The small business owner panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read MAIN ENTRANCE.

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April 5th. National Read a Map Day.

Got an email from Google Earth proudly stating that they can read maps backwards.

I thought to myself, โ€œThatโ€™s just spam.โ€

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Many were present at the funeral today of the oldest and unfunniest comedian.

In tribute, the vicar read out one of his jokes, and the congregation had two minutes of silence.

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Santaย calls the Help Desk to complain to a computer problem.

Santa: โ€œWhen I type computer password, it just shows star star star star. Whatโ€™s the problem?โ€

Help Desk: โ€œDear Santa, those stars are to protect you, so that if a person is standing behind, he canโ€™t read your password.โ€

Santa: โ€œYeah, but stars appear even when there is no one standing behind me!โ€

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Ever since 2017, my New Yearโ€™s resolution has been to work on my novel.

Many years going and Iโ€™ve almost finished reading it!

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April Foolsโ€™ Day.

The day, every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.

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Why did the bodybuilder read the dictionary?

He was trying to learn how to define muscle.

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My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I canโ€™t read anything.

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A man was riding on the bus and reading an article about life and death statistics.

Then, fascinated, he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says, โ€œDid you know that every time I breathe, somebody dies?โ€

The fellow turns to him and says, โ€œHave you tried mouthwash?โ€

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Did you hear about the physicist who was reading a great book on anti-gravity?

He couldnโ€™t put it down.

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What do aliens like to read?

Comet books!

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What will reading sun jokes under the sun make you?

Well red.

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A doctor is giving a talk at a symposium. Like any good public speaker, he wrote his speech out on notecards.

Unfortunately, when he gets up to the podium, he finds that he just canโ€™t read his notes.

So, he says to the audience, โ€œIs there a pharmacist in the house?โ€

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A young accountant spends a week at his new office with the retiring accountant he is replacing.

Each and every morning as the more experienced accountant begins the day, he opens his desk drawer, takes out a worn envelope, removes a yellowing sheet of paper, reads it, nods his head, looks around the room with renewed vigor, returns the envelope to the drawer, and then begins his dayโ€™s work.

After he retires, the new accountant can hardly wait to read for himself the message contained in the envelope in the drawer, particularly since he feels so inadequate in replacing the far wiser and more highly esteemed accountant.

Surely, he thinks to himself, it must contain the great secret to his success, a wondrous treasure of inspiration and motivation.

His fingers tremble anxiously as he removes the mysterious envelope from the drawer and reads the following message:

โ€œDebits in the column toward the file cabinet.

Credits in the column toward the window.โ€

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I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday.

A week later, he told me it was the most violent book he ever read.

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Chuck Norris doesnโ€™t read books.

He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

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A blonde and a redhead have a ranch. They have just lost their bull.

The women need to, buy another, but only have $500.

The redhead tells the blonde, โ€œI will go to the market and see if I can find one for under that amount. If I can, I will send you a telegram.โ€

She goes to the market and finds one for $499.

Having only one dollar left, she goes to the telegraph office and finds out that it costs one dollar per word. She is stumped on how to tell the blonde to bring the truck and trailer.

Finally, she tells the telegraph operator to send the word โ€œcomfortableโ€.

Skeptical, the operator asks, โ€œHow will she know to come with the trailer from just that word?โ€

The redhead replies, โ€œShe's a blonde so she reads slow: โ€˜Come for ta bullโ€™.โ€

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