Race Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Race Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Race Jokes


One evening, as she was sitting by the window of her room in the convent, Sister Ruth opened the letter from home that her parents had sent to her.

Inside the letter, was a $100 bill, a generous gift from her parents.

Sister Ruth smiled at the gesture, pondering what to do with the money, since living in the convent she didn’t really need any.

As she read the letter, sitting by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote β€œDon’t despair. Sister Ruth”, on a piece of paper.

She then wrapped the $100 bill in it, managed to catch the man’s attention, and tossed the paper out of the window to him.

The stranger picked it up, then with a puzzled expression on his face and a tip of his hat, off he went down the street.

The next day, Sister Ruth was told that a man was at the door of the convent, and he insisted on seeing her.

She went downstairs, where she found the stranger waiting for her.

Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

β€œWhat’s this?” she asked, puzzled and confused.

β€œThat’s the $8,000 you have coming, Sister”, the man replied. β€œDon’t Despair won the race at 80:1 odds!”

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What do you call a blue cat that likes to race?

A fast purrr-ple.

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Which drawing utensil is the fastest?

The e-racer.

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What did the red panda say after winning a race?

β€œI’m un-bear-ably fast!”

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You so dumb can never find your race results because you search for β€œme”.

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I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.

Unfortunately, it just seems to have made him more sluggish.

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How did the barber win the race?

He knew a short cut.

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How does a cyclist train for a race?

He recycles.

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Akpos: β€œWhy are all these people running?”

Man: β€œThis is a race, the winner will get the cup.”

Akpos: β€œIf only the winner will get the cup, why are others running?”

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I had a race with an Asian today.

It was a Thai.

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What do you call a hot dog race?

Wiener takes all.

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Why does a Chicago-style hot dog always lose races?

Because it refuses to ketchup.

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Why was Jupiter disqualified from the race between the planets?

He was caught taking asteroids.

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What’s the best way to make a million dollars in horse racing?

Start with 2 million.

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When do vampires like horse racing?

When it’s neck and neck.

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My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing.

And they’re off!

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What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?

Thoroughbred.

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Did you hear what happened at the racetrack yesterday?

One horse was so slow, they had to pay the jockey overtime.

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You might be a barrel racer if:

Β· Your lucky shirt is held together with safety pins and duct tape.

Β· You take your own temperature and think 102 is normal...

Β· You can eat a taco on the way to a race and stay in the lines without dropping anything.

Β· Your husband says he has a backache and you head to the barn to get the Banamine and Bigel Oil.

Β· Your friend goes to borrow your hairbrush and has to pull horse hair out of it first.

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Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day.

One day Barb said, β€œRose, we both loved barrel racing all our lives, and we rode until we could hardly walk. Please do me one favor... When you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s barrel racing there.”

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed, β€œBarb, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”

Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, β€œBarb, Barb.”

β€œWho is it?” asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. β€œWho is it?”

β€œBarb, it’s me, Rose.”

β€œYou’re not Rose. Rose just died.”

β€œI’m telling you, it’s me, Rose,” insisted the voice.

β€œRose! Where are you?”

β€œIn Heaven,” replied Rose. β€œI have some really good news and a little bad news.”

β€œTell me the good news first,” said Barb.

β€œThe good news,” Rose said, β€œis that there’s barrel racing in Heaven. Better yet, all of our horses who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always summer, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can ride all we want, and our horses never get tired.”

β€œThat’s fantastic,” said Barb. β€œIt’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

β€œYou’re up here in the slack on Friday.”

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You know why barrel racers need to be cremated?

Because if you bury them they’ll bitch about the dirt.

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Joe Palmer, the late racing expert, told about a man from Idaho who breezed into Kentucky with a six-year-old horse that had never raced before, but which he entered for a race.

The horse won easily and paid a whopping price.

The racing stewards did not like the look of the thing and questioned the owner.

β€œIs this horse unsound?” they asked.

β€œNot a bit,” said the owner.

β€œIn that case,” asked the stewards, β€œwhy have you never raced him before?” β€œMister,” said the man from Idaho, β€œwe couldn’t even catch the critter until he was five years old.”

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What’s the difference between praying in church and at the track?

At the track you really mean it!

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A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse.

The horse’s trainer meets him before the race and says, β€œAll you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, β€œALLLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly in the horse’s ear. Providing you do that, you’ll be fine.”

The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command.

The race begins and they approach the first hurdle.

The jockey ignores the trainer’s ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

They carry on and approach the second hurdle.

The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers β€œAleeee ooop” in the horse’s ear.

The same thing happens: the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.

At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, β€œIt’s no good, I’ll have to do it.” And yells, β€œALLLEEE OOOP!” really loudly.

Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems.

This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.

The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong.

The jockey replies, β€œNothing is wrong with me. It’s this bloody horse. What is heβ€”deaf or something?”

The trainer replies, β€œDeaf?? DEAF?? He’s not deafβ€”he’s blind!!!”

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I bet on a great horse yesterday!

It took seven horses to beat him.

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The trainer was giving last-minute instructions to the jockey and appeared to slip something into the horse’s mouth just as a steward walked by.

β€œWhat was that?” inquired the steward.

β€œOh nothing,” said the trainer, β€œjust a polo”.

He offered one to the steward and had one himself.

After the suspicious steward had left the scene the trainer continued with his instructions, β€œJust keep on the rail. You are on a certainty. The only thing that could possibly pass you down the home straight is either the steward or me.”

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A small boy tells his mum that his dad’s taken him on an outing to the zoo. His mum doesn’t believe him.

β€œYour dad has never taken anyone to the zoo in his whole life,” she says.

β€œWell he did,” the boy replies, β€œand one of the animals paid us Β£50.”

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A jockey is talking to the trainer ahead of the race.

β€œYou got to ride him to win,” the trainer says, β€œbecause I’ve got a monkey on this horse, and so has my wife.”

β€œWill there be any room for me?” the jockey asks.

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My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

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The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

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My horse came in so late the jockey was wearing pijamas.

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It would have been a photo finish, but by the time my horse finished, it was too dark to take a picture.

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Which side of a racehorse has more hair?

The outside.

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What sort of racehorses come out after dark?

Night-mares.

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Which type of cheese do racehorses like best?

Masc-a-pony.

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A jockey is walking down the road leading a racehorse when he bumps into a friend.

β€œWhat are you planning to do with that nag?” the man asks.

β€œRace it,” replies the jockey, surprised.

β€œWell, by the look of it,” the man says, β€œyou’ll win!”

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I put a bet on a horse that had excellent breeding.

After the horse left the starting gate, he stopped and closed it behind him.

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I put a bet on a horse to come in at 10 to 1 and it did!

Unfortunately all the others came in at 12.30.

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My racehorse’s name is Mayo. Sometimes, Mayo neighs.

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I keep trying to get into horse racing, but they’re too fast for me.

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A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet.

β€œWill I be able to race this horse again?” he asks.

The vet replies: β€œOf course you will, and you’ll probably win!”

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Why did the owner name his racehorse β€œBad News”?

Because bad news travels fast.

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β€œMum, I just won this phone in a race!”

β€œWho was in the race?”

β€œThe owner of the phone and the police. I think they’re at the door to congratulate me.”

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Why can’t tomatoes win races against lettuce?

Because the lettuce are always a head, and the tomatoes are always trying to ketchup.

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What do you get when you cross a race car with a spud?

Crashed potatoes!

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I was going to go greyhound racing this weekend but decided against it...

They’re too fast. I’d never win.

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I was in a bar some days ago when a beautiful girl asked me, β€œWhat do you do?”

I replied, β€œI race motorcycles.”

She asked further, β€œDo you usually win many races?”

I said, β€œNo, the bikes are much faster than I am.”‬

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I keep trying to watch racing on my computer but every time I press the F1 key it just opens a help window.

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