Enjoy our team's carefully selected Puns. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Where do lobsters go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
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Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset.
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How does a lobster answer the phone?
“Shello?”
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The lobster is one shell of an animal.
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What does a snail wear to go dancing?
Escargogo boots.
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Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
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What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
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What do you call a dancing ghost?
Polka-haunt-us.
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Why can’t dishwashers do parallel dancing?
They’re never in sink.
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What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
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What is a wolf’s favorite tree?
A lu-pine.
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What is a wolf’s favorite time of the year?
The howl-o-days.
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What do you call a werewolf for sale?
A warewolf.
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What do they call a group of werewolves?
We’rewolves.
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If a lion is the king of the jungle...
Then shouldn’t they call it a reignforest?
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Why did the lion cross the road?
He was bored of lion around.
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What happened to the wolf that fell into the washing machine?
It became a wash and wearwolf.
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A Wolfswagon Rabbit is by far the best car you can gift a wolf.
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What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
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What are a prisoner’s favorite building materials?
Steal and cement.
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What job on a construction site is best suited to a skeleton?
Cranium operator.
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What do clams do on a summer vacation?
They shell-ebrate.
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What’s Irish and stays out all summer?
Paddy O’furniture.
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What do you call a bear that likes to spend his summers at the North Pole and his winters at the South?
A bi-polar bear.
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Who changes the season when Summer is over?
No one, it happens Autumnatically.
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What was the almond tree up to all summer?
Nuttin’.
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What is the difference between spring rolls and summer rolls?
Their seasoning.
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Where do fish sleep in the summer?
On the seabed.
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What is a snake’s favorite dance?
The Mamba.
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What do you get if you cross a bag of snakes and a cupboard of food?
Snakes and Larders.
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Who is a snake’s favorite author?
William Snakespeare.
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What do you call a snake with no clothes on?
Snaked.
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Where do chess grandmasters keep their pet snakes?
In a chesst.
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Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.
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Llama know if you don’t like these puns and alpaca my suitcase and leave!
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What’s a Christian’s favorite flower?
Jesus Rose.
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It was a dull day, but I saw a pink colored rose.
I look at the bright seed of things.
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The rose had to inform his mom about a mishap.
He said, “I hate to be the bearer of bud news.”
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Why was the florist afraid of roses?
Quite honestly, she didn’t know where the fear stemmed from.
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What did the florist say to the customer who was trying to bargain over the price of the rose bouquet?
“Take it or leaf it bud!”
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Pink is the early bird of the rainbow colors.
It’s always the first to rose and shine.
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What did the flower do when she was challenged?
Rose to the occasion.
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Why would Sherlock Holmes make a good social media marketer?
Because he’s good at stalking other people.
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Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
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What kind of ears do trains have?
Engin-eers.
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What do trains do at Egyptian train yard gates?
Toot-and-come-in.
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When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.
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What did the father squirrel tell his son?
Acorny joke.
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What does a squirrel wear on its feet?
Cashews.
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What do you call a holy squirrel?
A chipmunk.
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I was reading a story about dragons the other day It just seemed to drag-on and on.
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Why are dragons such good storytellers?
Because they have long tails.
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What is a European dragon’s favorite food?
Swiss charred.
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What’s a dragon’s favorite snack?
Fire-crackers.
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What do you call a lawyer who sings?
An opera attorney.
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What do you call a lawyer who practices in the morning?
A dawning attorney.
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How did the electrician pay for his new phone?
He charged it.
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What do you call a bad electrician?
A shock absorber.
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What kind of car does an electrician drive?
A Volts-wagon.
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Why did the electrician marry his colleague?
He couldn’t resistor.
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Where do electricians get their supplies?
The Ohm Depot.
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What is a Jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
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What did the electrician use to moisturize his hair?
Air conditioner.
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An electrician needed to change 8 fluorescent lamps to brighten up a large conference room at our office.
I asked him if he needed a hand carrying them.
He said, “No, this is light.”
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When I went to my favorite Irish café after years...
I felt deja brew all over again.
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Which sweet dessert is banned from the menu at the Deer Café?
Chocolate Moose.
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Why did the vampire strike out?
He used the wrong bat.
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Why did the fruit bat eat the orange?
Because it had appeal.
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What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
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Why did the cactus join the orchestra?
Because it could play the prickle-o.
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What did the little cacti say to the big cactus when they were running away?
“Cactus if you can!”
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What do you call it when a whole bunch of cacti fall over?
A cac-tas-trophy.
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What did the cactus wear with their suit?
A cactie.
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I bought a boat because it was for sail.
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How does a tiger move a boat?
He uses roars.
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I’m going to host a boat race. The winner will get pasta.
It will be called the Penne Regatta.
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What do you call a boat in training?
An apprenticeship.
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I can row a boat.
Canoe?
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My Ph.D. thesis was on cattle raised in the Roman city of Pompeii.
To understand it all, I had to visit the ancient mooins.
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Why doesn’t Sweden export its cattle?
It wants to keep its Stockholm.
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I’m trying to teach my son how to put the chain back on his bike, but he still can’t seem to do it.
I guess it must be sprocket science.
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While I was riding my bike, there was a big tropical storm.
I decided to cyclone.
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What did the mom cheese tell the little boy cheese when he got hurt on his bike?
“Gotta take the gouda with the bad.”
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What is more exciting than baseball?
Acidball.
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Do you know where the Torah mentions baseball?
In the big inning.
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Who is the most non-acidic baseball player ever?
Al-Kaline.
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What are Pee Wee Herman’s favorite baseball teams?
The Expos and The Yankees.
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What do you call a fasting camel?
Hump-less.
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How do you call a cow in Ramadan?
A Mooslim.
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What do you call the end of Ramadan?
Ramadusk.
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What do Muslims do during the coronavirus outbreak?
They stay in Quran-tine.
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What do you call a Muslim crocodile?
An Allahgator.
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Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
To the peach.
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What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist?
It is a great peach of work.
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Where do you store peach juice?
Inside of a peach-er.
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If you are wondering about a peach’s favorite game.
It’s peach ball.
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The peach couple is in love.
They seem to be born for peach other.
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This special peach school is for those peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
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How is bacon like southern Europe?
It’s got a lot of Greece in it.
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Did you know the first French Fries weren’t actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
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What did Zeus use to make the best fries ever?
Ancient Greece.
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What’s a sheep’s favorite holy text?
The Baa-ble.
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What do you call an Arabic dairy farmer?
A milk sheikh.
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Why is Patrick Star Arabic?
Because he lives under Iraq.
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Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic.
But it was a false salaam.
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How did the ghost get from New York to London?
British Scare-ways.
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Where do bad beavers go?
They’re dammed to hell.
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What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
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What do you call a grape that’s always getting into trouble?
A mis-grape.
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Why did the grape go to school?
To become a little wine-y!
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What do you call a grape that can perform juggle?
A grape-fruit.
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What is fruity and burns?
The Grape Fire of London.
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There’s a hair in my wine.
The grapes must have been fur-mented.
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What does a grape do with his grandchildren?
He is raisin them.
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At a get-together, one fruit asked another, “I was wondering how you have been.”
The other replied, “Just peachy, isn’t that grape?”
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What moisturizer do Spanish bullfighters use?
OLAY.
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I’ve finally worked out why Spain is so good at football.
Nobody expects the Spanish in position.
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I seek to promote the welfare of a certain baked dish.
I’m a flanthropist.
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Have you heard about the new trend?
People are putting baked goods on their ear studs.
It’s pie-on-earring fashion.
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How does a baked bean learn from its mistakes?
It uses Heinz sight.
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My 4-year-old son has been learning Spanish all year, and he still can’t say the word “please”.
Which I think is poor for four.
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So I asked my Spanish friend if he knew where fish lived.
He said, “Si.”
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What do Spanish phantoms say when they like something?
Me ghosta.
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Why is the Medieval period often called the Dark Ages?
Because there were so many knights.
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What’s the difference between a physician and a preschool teacher?
One has a job with patients, the other has the patience of job.
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If lawyers learn at pre-law but doctors learn at pre-med, where do teachers learn?
Pre-school.
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What do you call an Italian mosquito?
Malario.
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What is an Italian’s favorite type of dog?
A ciao ciao.
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I like my pasta the way I like my medieval Italian literature.
All Dante.
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A friend of mine has a mobile phone shaped like an Italian dumpling.
It’s a gnocchia.
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Have you heard about the Italian Bigfoot?
The spag-yeti.
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At the Italian restaurant, the ghoul ordered spook-ghetti for his main course.
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Why didn’t the turkey bake properly on Thanksgiving?
I’ve no idea but I suspect some fowl play.
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What ingredient is essential when baking a Star Wars cake?
Bicarbonate of Yoda.
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Why should you bake bacon on an asteroid on its way to Earth?
It’s meteor.
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What do you call a Portuguese person all by themself?
A Portugoose.
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What is the rough part of Italy called?
The spaghetto.
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On our hike yesterday, my partner wouldn’t let me take home any volcanic rocks.
And to be honest, I’m still a little basalty over it.
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Teacher: “What are the seasons?”
Student: “Salt, pepper, ginger...”
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Why did the Roman chicken cross the road?
She was afraid someone would Caesar.
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A lot of William Shakespeare’s plays were based on old Greek and Roman performances.
That’s playgarism if you ask me.
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Why did the blood-sucking insect learn Latin?
It wanted to be a Roman-tic.
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If your wife ever gets you a gladiator uniform, it’s a pretty good sign.
She wants you to be more Roman-tic.
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Why is corn so popular on Thanksgiving?
Because it’s a-maize-ing.
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What sound does a turkey’s phone make?
“Wing, wing.”
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Why did the policeman stop you on your way home last Thanksgiving?
Because you far exceeded your feed limit.
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What do you call rain on Turkey Day?
Fowl weather.
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I tried to post a Thanksgiving joke about turkeys.
But it was removed because of fowl language.
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Millions of people celebrated Thanksgiving yesterday.
The indigenous people, however, have reservations.
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What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?
Yammies.
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How did Albert Einstein celebrate Thanksgiving?
He was very thinkful.
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What does Dracula call Thanksgiving?
Fangs-giving.
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What is the best Thanksgiving cookie?
One baked with May-flour.
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“Why did you act like that at Thanksgiving dinner?”
“I yam what I yam.”
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What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?
God save the kin.
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What did Bruno Mars bring to the Thanksgiving Potluck?
24 Karat cakes.
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What kind of key is edible?
A turkey on Thanksgiving.
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Why was the Thanksgiving feast expensive?
It had 24 carrots!
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Who’s going to the concert festival on Thanksgiving Day?
The bands will be Meatloaf, Korn, The Cranberries, and Smashing Pumpkins.
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Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
He lost track of thyme.
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Did you hear that I won the Thanksgiving turkey cookoff?
You butterball-ieve it.
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What’s a mathematician’s favorite part of Thanksgiving?
Pumpkin pi.
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What’s the best thing about Thanksgiving in Bulgaria?
Bulgaria is next to Turkey and Greece.
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Why do some people not like a Thanksgiving joke about turkeys?
Because of fowl language.
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Why was the UN concerned when the waiter dropped Thanksgiving dinner?
Because it meant the fall of turkey, the ruin of grease, and the breakup of china.
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What do you call bread baked by a poet?
Poet-rye.
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I went to see a beet poet the other day.
There were lots of hip peas there.
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Why did the pun fail his English class?
He didn’t use proper pun-ctuation.
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What language do things that fly in the sky speak?
Plane English.
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What do you call an important English snake?
Sir Pent.
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I went to an English camping party with some vegetables.
We stayed in a tea-pea.
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What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone.
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Why do eggs like April Fools’ Day?
They love practical yolks.
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What do you call it when you prank a person on Sunday?
Sabbathtoge.
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What do you call a streetcar that plays pranks on people?
A troll-ey.
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What do you call a leprechaun’s prank?
A St. Pat-trick!
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What did the mayo say after being pranked on April Fools’ Day?
“What the hellmann!”
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What happens to corny jokesters who get jailed on April Fools’ Day?
They go to the pun-itentiary.
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What is it called when shapes play pranks on each other?
Geometrick.
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What is a monkey’s favorite day of the year?
The first of Ape-ril.
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Where do you go on vacation on April 1st?
Niagara Fools.
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How do deer celebrate April Fool’s Day?
They pronk each other.
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What do you call a hammer bought on April 1st?
April tool.
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What did the victims of a month-delayed April Fools’ prank feel?
Dismay.
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What monster plays the most April Fools’ jokes?
Prankenstein!
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What would you call an unidentified object which landed in Australia?
Australien.
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What would you call a walking mosquito?
An itch-hiker.
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What would you call Santa if you found him at the South Pole?
A lost clause.
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I have an ugly, tight pair of shorts that I only wear when every other pair is dirty.
They’re my last reshorts.
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What do clouds wear under their shorts?
Thunderpants.
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What is a pianist’s favorite cheese?
Mozzartrella.
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What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
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Why can’t violins finish a crossword puzzle?
Because violins never solved anything.
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What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry?
Shrekspeare.
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You only have enough time to say one word to Edgar Allan Poe, who is about to walk into a tree. What do you say?
“Poetry!”
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I knew a vampire who became a poet.
He went from bat to verse.
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I got a pet owl named Robin.
Robin Hoo-d.
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What do you call an owl with a deep voice?
A growl.
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What happens if an owl doesn’t wash?
It smells fowl.
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Why did the owl ’owl?
Because the woodpecker would peck ’er.
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What’s an owl’s favorite subject at school?
Owl-gebra.
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Britain’s most common owl?
The teatowel.
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What did the aging 007 say to his pharmacist?
Bond. Gold Bond.
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I spent a year writing a romance novel where two blood cells meet and fall in love.
It never got published.
It was all in vein.
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What kind of magic does a love-struck giraffe practice?
Neck-romance-y.
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What do you call an astronomer with the stomach flu?
A gastrophysicist.
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Why was the flu feeling down?
It didn’t feel like it was being taken snot-seriously.
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What do you call a flu that became a musician?
Achoo-bacca.
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I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
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Everybody was Kung Flu fighting.
But the virus was as fast as lightning.
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What do you call an astronomer with the stomach flu?
A gastrophysicist.
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You should get your flu vaccination.
It’s worth a shot.
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What do you call a flying pig?
Swine flu.
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How did the pig get out of the tree?
The swine flu.
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I became ill after taking self-defense classes.
I think I caught Kung Flu.
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The bird developed an illness.
I think it started when the bird flu.
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Did you hear about the pig who got sick after catching a flight?
Swine flu.
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What does a sick ninja practice?
Kung flu.
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What does a nut with the flu sound like?
CAAAASHEW!
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They said when pigs fly...
But the swine already flu.
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What is the most common illness in China?
Kung Flu.
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How did the flu become so popular?
They promoted it using an influenza.
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What do you call a unicorn who got a flu shot?
An immunicorn.
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Why do people think vampire always have the flu?
Because they be coffin all day.
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What do you call a person who has flu but does not isolate themselves and is very active on social media?
Influen(zer).
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What mountaintop is infamous for making climbers disappear?
Peak Aboo.
And which one gives them a flu?
Peak Achoo.
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My neighbor uses a wood stove, but lately he’s had the flu and been too sick to chop his own wood.
Do you think it would be a nice gesture to go chop some firewood for him?
Axeing for a friend.
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They ran out crying ‘bird flu’!!!
I looked up and couldn’t see any, I’m sure they were lying.
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Outbreak: New strain of bird flu discovered!!!
It’s called Chirpies.
It’s a canarial disease.
It’s untweetable.
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The bird flu is pretty nasty.
Luckily, it’s tweetable.
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What’s the first sign that you have caught bird flu?
Fowl symptoms.
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What’s the difference between bird flu and swine flu?
One requires a tweetment and one requires an oinkment.
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How is the submarine doing at school?
It’s below c-level.
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What’s the hardest part of the roofing business?
The overhead.
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Why did the guy panic and call 911 when he realized an ocean was forming around him?
It was an emergent sea.
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What is Bob Marley called on a motorbike?
Bob Harley.
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What motorbikes do ghosts prefer?
A boocati.
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What do you get when you mix a motorbike with a joke?
A Yamahaha.
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The biker’s idea was revolutionary.
It was a real handlebar moment.
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I had to put my motorbike in the shop.
It needed a wheelignment.
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What kind of motorbike do elves ride to work?
A Holly Davidson.
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How many pretty girls are there at a monastery?
Nun.
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How did the Catholic priest finish the marathon?
He was second to nun.
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How many nuns are there in a temple?
Nun.
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What do nuns do?
Nunthing.
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How many Catholics can you fit in a habit?
Nun.
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Female monasteries are nun-profit.
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What do you call oyster nuns?
Cloisters.
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What do you call a sleep walking Nun?
A Roamin’ Catholic.
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What do you call a red, white and blue pie?
Pastry-otic.
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What is a bear’s favorite dessert?
Blue beary pie.
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I tried to dye my dog’s hair blue.
But I guess he was blue-ish.
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I went to a party in blue shoes.
But everyone said it was a blue-sy idea.
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When the paint store was blue-out, they called it a palette cleanser.
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When the blueberry made a mistake, it had to blue-pologize.
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The blue light special was on sale.
But it left me feeling blue-tifully broke.
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What do you call a sad berry?
A blue-fruit.
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I saw a blue crab today.
It was quite a claw-some sight.
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I made a blue smoothie today.
It was berry good.
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I tried to dye my hair blue, but it didn’t work out.
I guess you could say it was a dye-lemma.
😄 😄 😄
I told my coworker I was going to wear a blue shirt to work.
And he said he was going to wear his blue-suit-of-armor.
😄 😄 😄
My friend said he wanted to start feeling more blue.
So I gave him a bottle of blue-cation.
😄 😄 😄
I went to a restaurant where all the menus were printed in blue ink.
I guess they were trying to get in touch with their blue-side.
😄 😄 😄
I heard that a blue jay and a cardinal fell in love.
But their relationship was a little blue-blooded.
😄 😄 😄
I asked my boss if things were looking up with our company.
And he said the future was blue-skied and full of possibility.
😄 😄 😄
I thought about dying my hair blue for a change.
But it turned out to be more of a blue-hair affair.
😄 😄 😄
My friend said he was in a blue funk.
But I told him not to worry because I’m an expert at funk-squashing.
😄 😄 😄
I went to a blues concert dressed in all black.
I guess I wasn’t feeling very blues-sympathetic.
😄 😄 😄
I went to a party once where everyone was dressed in blue.
It was like a sea of navy-tees.
😄 😄 😄
I bought some blue shoes to wear to the office.
But they made me feel downright feet-talistic.
😄 😄 😄
The detective was following a blue-ribbon lead.
😄 😄 😄
He’s a blue-chip investment for any company.
😄 😄 😄
The politician gave a blue-sky speech full of promises.
😄 😄 😄
He was seeing the world through blue-tinted glasses.
😄 😄 😄
He has a blue-collar job.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a blueberry’s favorite song?
Anything from the Blue Album by Weezer.
😄 😄 😄
Why do blueberries get along with everyone?
They’re naturally blue-tiful.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a depressed unicorn?
A blue-corn.
😄 😄 😄
What did the blue cheese say when it looked in the mirror?
“Hallou-mi!”
😄 😄 😄
What did the blue crayon say to the yellow crayon?
“This isn’t cray-on you.”
😄 😄 😄
What did the blue square say to the red triangle?
“Hi-angle!”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the blue marker shy away from the red marker?
It was a little shy-nero.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a blue owl?
A hoo-dini.
😄 😄 😄
What did the blue crayon say to the green crayon?
“You’re green-crayon me!”
😄 😄 😄
Why was the blueberry always tired?
Because it was feeling a little blue-combed.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a depressed blue crayon?
Blue-tiful.
😄 😄 😄
Why do blue whales need computers?
To go on their whale-net.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the blue paint laugh at the brown paint?
Because he was blue-tiful.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the blue marker sad?
Because its life was point-less.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a blue cat that likes to race?
A fast purrr-ple.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the bluebird get kicked out of the forest?
Because it was a bird of pray.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a group of blue whales?
A pod of blues.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sad blueberry?
A blue-berry.
😄 😄 😄
The orthopedic doctor was feeling a bit patella-tive after a long day of surgeries.
😄 😄 😄
My orthopedic surgeon has the bone-dacity to tell jokes during surgery.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a hip bone that’s late for surgery?
Hip-late.
😄 😄 😄
How did the hip bone feel after surgery?
Absolutely joint-ful!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a skeleton who just had hip surgery?
Hip-ster!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the hip bone go to the coffee shop?
Because it needed a little perk-me-up after surgery.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the orthopedic surgeon bring a radio into surgery?
Because he wanted to tune into the hip-est station.
😄 😄 😄
Why did Uranus get kicked out of the library?
It was talking too much gas-babble.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite hobby?
Planet-ting.
😄 😄 😄
My favorite planet is Uranus because it’s just so well-rounded.
😄 😄 😄
The planet Uranus is really good at keeping secrets.
After all, it has all those gas-tly atmospheres to hide things.
😄 😄 😄
I asked Uranus about its love life.
And it replied, “It’s complicated, I’m in a gas-tly relationship.”
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the planet Uranus?
It’s quite gas-sy.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite ice cream flavor?
Gas-tronomic swirl.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite type of bread?
Gas-tly sourdough.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the spaceship bring a snack to Uranus?
It wanted to have a gas-tro picnic.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite type of weather?
Gas-tly winds.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite type of vehicle?
Gas-guzzler.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite subject?
Gas-tronomy.
😄 😄 😄
What’s Uranus’ favorite comedy movie?
Guardians of the Gas-laxy.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a car’s favorite meal?
Brake-fast.
😄 😄 😄
What is the definition of breakfast?
What a driver does when a light suddenly changes.
😄 😄 😄
What is dog’s favorite breakfast?
Pooched eggs.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the bacon laugh?
Because the egg cracked a yolk!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sad blueberry?
A blueberry muffin.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the blueberry muffin crumble?
It fell to pieces under pressure!
😄 😄 😄
Why was the blueberry muffin so sad?
It was feeling a little crumby.
😄 😄 😄
Whenever I make chocolate chip or blueberry muffins, I make sure one muffin is just batter.
I like to play Muffin Roulette.
😄 😄 😄
Feeling blue? A blueberry muffin can be your rescue!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the blueberry muffin get a ticket?
It was berry speeding!
😄 😄 😄
The bed-and-breakfast I stayed at had a great view.
It was truly sight-resting.
😄 😄 😄
I went to a haunted bed-and-breakfast in France.
That place was giving me the crêpes.
😄 😄 😄
How does the Easter Bunny stay healthy?
Eggsercise, particularly hareobics!
😄 😄 😄
What makes nuts healthy?
They have many nut-rients.
😄 😄 😄
Which drawing utensil is the fastest?
The e-racer.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the bat walk in her pajamas to take a bath?
Because she did not have a bat robe.
😄 😄 😄
What does an owl need after taking a bath?
A t-owl.
😄 😄 😄
Why is a river an amazing roommate?
He just likes to go with the flow.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain?
A peak experience.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a fire at the Internet café?
An e-mergency.
😄 😄 😄
Where do birds meet for coffee?
In a Nest-cafe.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between a fire wizard and someone who flirts with pastries?
One is a Pyromancer, the other is a pie-romancer.
😄 😄 😄
What drink breaks the ice?
Flirt-Tea.
😄 😄 😄
How did the 30-year-old gardener celebrate their birthday?
By receiving a thirtree as a gift!
😄 😄 😄
How did the 30-year-old marathon runner celebrate their birthday?
By going the extra mile!
😄 😄 😄
What did the 30-year-old computer engineer say on his birthday?
“I’m just a byte older.”
😄 😄 😄
If people want to learn more about witchcraft...
Do they go to Wiccapedia?
😄 😄 😄
What did the registered nurse say to the medicine maker when he got sick?
“Let me give you a taste of your own medicine.”
😄 😄 😄
I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water.
It’s an untapped market.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the witch fall off her broom mid-flight?
She had a fainting spell.
😄 😄 😄
What happens to witches who break the school rules?
They get ex-spelled.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the witch go to the doctor?
She had a dizzy spell.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the book of incantations useless?
Because the author failed to do a spell-check.
😄 😄 😄
What did the tired witch do?
She sat down for a spell.
😄 😄 😄
Who cast the spell of sleep on Dorothy?
It was the wicked witch of rest.
😄 😄 😄
My red panda went on a shopping spree and ended up with a paw-ful of amazing deals.
😄 😄 😄
When the red panda got tired, it decided to take a koala-ty nap.
😄 😄 😄
The red panda had a wild night last night.
He was caught red-handed.
😄 😄 😄
How does a red panda flirt with her crush?
She gives them a bamboozling smile.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the red panda good at math?
It always knew how to add-bear the numbers.
😄 😄 😄
Red pandas never skip leg day.
Their hopping skills are paws-itively impressive.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the red panda bring a ladder?
It wanted to reach new heights-bear.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the red panda become an actor?
It had a panda-mic personality.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the red panda’s art exhibition?
It was panda-monium!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a red panda dentist?
A molar bear.
😄 😄 😄
What did the red panda say after winning a race?
“I’m un-bear-ably fast!”
😄 😄 😄
What’s a skunk’s philosophy of life?
Eat, stink, and be merry.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a pickle’s life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
😄 😄 😄
Who is the Easter Bunny’s favorite movie actor?
Rabbit De Niro.
😄 😄 😄
An actor I know fell through the floor recently.
It’s just a stage he was going through.
😄 😄 😄
Who are the biggest fans at the theater?
The backstage crew—they’re always giving props to the actors.
😄 😄 😄
Which actor is now being quarantined for swine flu?
Kevin Bacon.
😄 😄 😄
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath.
She wasn’t content. I’m so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
😄 😄 😄
If you’re stressed, try ironing clothes.
It’s a great way to let off some steam.
😄 😄 😄
Why do driving instructors make good physical therapists?
Because they can teach fine motor skills.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the physical therapist who asked his date to meet him at the gym?
She didn’t show up, and that’s when he knew they weren’t gonna work out.
😄 😄 😄
Where do people in Egypt go for physical therapy?
To the Cairo-practor.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a farmer with a physical therapy degree?
A chirotractor.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a fat ghost’s biggest fear of physical therapists?
Being exercised.
😄 😄 😄
What did one roll of toilet paper say to the other?
“I’m feeling wiped out!”
😄 😄 😄
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They’re always getting ripped off.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it was on a roll.
😄 😄 😄
Not many people liked the new tree I planted.
It wasn’t very poplar.
😄 😄 😄
What types of plants do you get after you plant kisses?
Tulips.
😄 😄 😄
Where is happiness made?
At the satisfactory.
😄 😄 😄
My fridge stopped working...
It’s not cool.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a male buffalo?
A buffellow.
😄 😄 😄
What did a dam say to the river?
“Water you thinking?”
😄 😄 😄
What did the laser weapon say to the atom bomb?
“OK Boomer.”
😄 😄 😄
I got fired from the bomb squad today.
It’s too bad really…
I had a blast working there.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you send a wolf to therapy?
Aware wolf.
😄 😄 😄
How did the farmer find his lost cow?
He tractor down.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a grizzly with no shoes?
Bear foot.
😄 😄 😄
Why is a panda the most dangerous animal in the animal kingdom?
Because the panda eats shoots and leaves.
😄 😄 😄
What do Chinese bears eat for breakfast?
Panda-cakes.
😄 😄 😄
They say today is Pi Day.
But for me, it will always be cake day!
😄 😄 😄
What is the official animal of National Pi Day?
The pi-thon.
😄 😄 😄
Working for a marketing agency is a real ad venture.
😄 😄 😄
A small Irish man escaped from prison today.
He’s a leprechaun-vict.
😄 😄 😄
What did the farmer say to his workers on Labor Day?
“I don’t carrot all, take the day off and lettuce celebrate!”
😄 😄 😄
What’s Harry Styles’ favorite type of flower?
Styles-oni.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of jewelry does the Easter Bunny wear?
14 carrot gold.
😄 😄 😄
What did the skydiver say in autumn?
I love the fall.
😄 😄 😄
If you ever name your kid Autumn...
Whenever they go out of the room, start singing “The Autumn Leaves...”.
😄 😄 😄
Why do trees drop their leaves in the fall?
It’s autumn-atic.
😄 😄 😄
National Pride Day should be September 21.
September 22 is the first day of Autumn, and as everyone knows, pride goes before a fall.
😄 😄 😄
A girl named Autumn tried to prank me.
I didn’t fall for it!
😄 😄 😄
Software architects should never design high-security fences.
They’re likely to make them highly scalable.
😄 😄 😄
I’ve been watching this anime about dentists. But it’s been getting boring.
I’m a little tired of the filler episodes.
😄 😄 😄
How long does it take to get from Louisiana to Alabama?
One Mississippi.
😄 😄 😄
A man went viral after making a TikTok video describing how to keep cool without any air conditioning.
He has a lot of fans.
😄 😄 😄
My English teacher told us to write about the history of our life.
However, I hate writing, so I used AI to write it for me.
I guess you can say it’s an auto-biography.
😄 😄 😄
Who were the first people in Australia to have a six-pack?
The Ab-originals.
😄 😄 😄
Did you know that someone tried contacting the aboriginals in Australia via smoke signal?
But the line was always busy.
😄 😄 😄
On Teachers’ Day, why did the student gift his Maths teacher a flight ticket to New York City?
To visit his favorite spot, Times Square.
😄 😄 😄
Where did the vampire teacher throw the Teachers’ Day party?
In Pencilvania.
😄 😄 😄
How was the cyclops so effective that she was awarded the best teacher award on Teachers’ Day?
She only had one pupil!
😄 😄 😄
How is Teachers’ Day, a day of rest?
The rest of the laundry, the rest of the housework, and grading the rest of the papers.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the teacher late for school on Teachers’ Day?
She took the Rhombus.
😄 😄 😄
I can’t decide if I want to watch the original Star Trek of The Next Generation.
I guess you could say I’m stuck between a Spock and a Picard place.
😄 😄 😄
I had to break up with my girlfriend, she doesn’t like Star Trek.
I told her I need some space.
😄 😄 😄
I’m a bipolar Star Trek fan.
I just went to the hospital to have my dilithium level checked.
😄 😄 😄
Star Trek fans always expect a gift when going to a convention.
They call it the enter prize.
😄 😄 😄
I used to confuse Star Wars with Star Trek.
It was a Wookie mistake.
😄 😄 😄
What do all Star Trek captains have in common?
They all have three ears.
A left ear.
A right ear.
And a final frontier.
😄 😄 😄
Where do you keep your badge at a Star Trek convention?
On a Lanyard Nimoy.
😄 😄 😄
What do farmers give their wives at midnight on New Year’s Eve?
Hogs and kisses.
😄 😄 😄
Where can you find comedians on New Year’s Eve?
Waiting for the punchline.
😄 😄 😄
I got caught cheating on my physics exam.
Furious, my professor said to me, “I hope you understand the gravity of the situation!”
But if I had known that, I wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place.
😄 😄 😄
I burst into tears right before my physics exam.
The professor asked, “What’s the matter?”
😄 😄 😄
My calculator stopped working mid-way through my exam.
I can’t count on it anymore.
😄 😄 😄
A guy from Florida was suing American Airlines because an expensive piece of luggage wasn’t at baggage claim when he landed in New York.
He lost his case.
😄 😄 😄
In your 20s: dress like you’re on the catwalk!
In your 40s: dress like you walk cats.
😄 😄 😄
What drink goes with a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?
Nut-tea.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of sandwiches do whales eat?
Peanut butter and jellyfish.
😄 😄 😄
What fish tastes best with peanut butter?
Jellyfish.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a 50-year-old soldier guarding a building?
Half a sentry.
😄 😄 😄
What did the nachos say to the cheese?
We were meant to bean.
😄 😄 😄
What did the Patriot apply to the dry patches on the skin?
Revo-lotion.
😄 😄 😄
On 4 July, what do you get when you put a photo of America in a locket?
Then it becomes in-da-pendant.
😄 😄 😄
Which bakery should you go to on the Fourth of July?
The one that sells pastries with stars and stripes. The rest are just un-pastry-otic.
😄 😄 😄
Who was the funniest person in George Washington’s army?
Laughayette.
😄 😄 😄
What’s an HR professional’s favorite hobby?
Filing. They just love putting everyone in their place.
😄 😄 😄
Who was Alexander Graham Kowalski?
The first telephone Pole.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a Polish fisherman?
A fishing pole.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a Polish ape?
Chimpanski.
😄 😄 😄
I tried to get insurance for my camp site, but the company refused.
They said, “If your tent gets destroyed, you won’t be covered.”
😄 😄 😄
What is a cactus’s favorite Minions movie?
Des-prick-able Me.
😄 😄 😄
How do llamas wake up in the morning?
They use allama clocks.
😄 😄 😄
What would’ve been a better name for the lion instead of King of the Jungle?
Emperoar.
😄 😄 😄
What does a Japanese guy name his pet lion?
Ryan.
😄 😄 😄
I wrote a novel about religious women.
The library put it in the nun fiction section.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a Volleyball player who hurt her knee diving for the ball?
Courtney.
😄 😄 😄
Why did The Joker have to sleep with his lights on?
Because he was afraid of the Dark Knight.
😄 😄 😄
How do Death Eaters freshen their breath?
With Dementos.
😄 😄 😄
What did the comedian say to Harry Potter?
Why so Sirius?
😄 😄 😄
Why doesn’t Voldemort have glasses?
Nobody nose.
😄 😄 😄
What dinosaur would Harry Potter be?
The Dinosorcerer.
😄 😄 😄
What time did Goofy have a dentist appointment?
Tooth Hurty.
😄 😄 😄
Being an electrician really wasn’t the career I wanted, but I still go to work every day with a conduit attitude.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a detective electrician?
Sherlock Ohms.
😄 😄 😄
An electrician is a bright spark who knows what’s watt.
😄 😄 😄
What did the dragon say to the bad employee?
You’re fired.
😄 😄 😄
What do dragons like with their soup?
Firecrackers.
😄 😄 😄
My dragon is asleep.
He’s now dragoff.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a dragon with no wings?
Draggin.
😄 😄 😄
Who do you sell second hand bikes to?
A re-cyclist.
😄 😄 😄
I recently played in a Star Wars themed cricket match.
Every time the ball was delivered the umpire struck back.
😄 😄 😄
I’ve got a new job at the chess factory.
I’m on knights next week.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-a.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a lot of cactus?
A cac-ton.
😄 😄 😄
Why did Thor sit comfortably on a cactus?
He has an Asgard.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a gender-confused cactus that relocates to another country?
A trans plant.
😄 😄 😄
The cactus is talking to his wife.
Wife: “You’re so selfish. You have to remember that it’s cact-US.”
Cactus: “Actually, the plural of cactus is catc-I.”
😄 😄 😄
I bought a boat, and named it “The Unpaid Intern”.
So now I tell people I have an unpaid intern-ship.
😄 😄 😄
What happened when the red boat crashed into the blue boat?
The crews were marooned.
😄 😄 😄
Why does the Norway navy have barcodes on the side of their boats?
So when they come back to port they can...
Scandinavian.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the bacon tree so angry when the axemen came?
Because he thought it was a ham-bush.
😄 😄 😄
What did the pig say when he was placed in the desert?
Oh no, I’m bacon.
😄 😄 😄
What made the pig go to the kitchen?
Because he felt like bacon.
😄 😄 😄
What was the name of the bacon movie?
Hamlet.
😄 😄 😄
Which celebrity had the best kind of smell?
Kevin Bacon.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a bacon-wrapped dinosaur?
Jurassic Pork.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a bacon with a Scottish accent?
Ham-ish.
😄 😄 😄
What was the name of the frog’s favorite crisp dish?
Croaky bacon.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of shoes do artists wear?
Sketchers.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a cow’s favorite TV drama?
Graze Anatomy.
😄 😄 😄
I am sad to leave the alpaca alone again.
Spending time with him was fun wool it lasted.
😄 😄 😄
My kid has a stuffed alpaca toy.
I call it her Dolly Llama.
😄 😄 😄
If you get kissed by an alpaca, it’s not the end of the world.
It’s the alpaca-lips.
😄 😄 😄
I got really hungry when we visited the Alpaca Farm, next time Alpaca lunch.
😄 😄 😄
What did Mario say when he saw the Alpaca?
Don’t-a worry it’s a false-a llama!
😄 😄 😄
What did the talent scout say about the juggling alpaca?
That alpaca is one of the most tailented alpacas around.
😄 😄 😄
What is an alpaca that is mixed with a dog called?
A Wool-f.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call it when Shrek falls off a boat?
Ogreboard.
😄 😄 😄
Why did Chewbacca get sent back down to play minor league baseball?
He was making too many Wookiee mistakes.
😄 😄 😄
It’s the cold and flu time of year.
Or, as I like to call it, Vitamin C-son.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call someone doing yoga with the flu?
Sick and twisted.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the bird flu?
I mean, I don’t know why it’s such a big deal. They tend to do that quite often.
😄 😄 😄
Bird flu.
Bird landed.
😄 😄 😄
I hired a sushi chef.
After a couple of weeks, I asked him what his favorite roll was.
He replied, “My payroll!”
😄 😄 😄
Friend 1: Eats a piece of sushi, starts coughing.
Friend 2: “Are you OK?”
Friend 1: “Yeah... Wasabi.”
Me: “Nothing much, wasabi with you?”
😄 😄 😄
A Sunni and a Shia Muslim have a child together.
They name her Sushi.
😄 😄 😄
Did you know all sushi comes from female fish?
Otherwise, it would be called suhe.
😄 😄 😄
I know everything there is to know about sushi.
You could say I’m an a-fish-onado.
😄 😄 😄
I shouldn’t have had that leftover sushi.
I’m feeling a bit eel.
😄 😄 😄
Even though it’s been 20 years since my grandfather choked to death on a piece of sushi...
It’s still pretty raw.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of car did the famous sushi chef drive?
A rolls rice.
😄 😄 😄
How does Lady Gaga like her sushi?
Ra-ra-raw-raw Ra-ra-raw-raw.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a mermaid in a wheelchair?
Sushi roll.
😄 😄 😄
My girlfriend hated my obsession with Japanese food.
Sushi left me.
😄 😄 😄
I saw a 50% off sign on a sushi restaurant today.
Sounds fishy to me.
😄 😄 😄
What pan is the best to make sushi in?
Japan.
😄 😄 😄
If two avocado are “avocados”.
Then shouldn’t three avocado be “avocatres”, and four be “avoquatro”, and five be “avocinco”?
😄 😄 😄
Has anyone played that weird Mexican carnival game where groundhogs pop out of holes, and you have to smear them with avocado?
I really suck at guac-a-mole.
😄 😄 😄
Accidentally got some guacamole in my eyes.
And now I think I have guacoma.
😄 😄 😄
What can you find on avocado feet?
Avoca-toes.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an animal found under the avocado tree?
A guaca-mole.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
😄 😄 😄
How does a robot eat its guacamole?
With micro-chips.
😄 😄 😄
I’m trying to learn how to find a ripe avocado.
It’s not that hard.
😄 😄 😄
What does an avocado call its children?
Avo-kiddos.
😄 😄 😄
Pessimists are like German vegetarians.
They fear the wurst.
😄 😄 😄
Why did Dracula become a vegetarian?
Because his doctor said steaks were bad for his heart.
😄 😄 😄
To what would you change the name of a kid named Hunter if he becomes a vegetarian?
Gatherer.
😄 😄 😄
What do vegetarians say when they meet someone new?
Nice to vegetable you.
😄 😄 😄
Where do vegetarian vampires live?
Plantsylvania.
😄 😄 😄
People that don’t eat meat are called vegetarians, but what are people that don’t eat vegetables?
Constipated.
😄 😄 😄
If two vegetarians have a heated argument, can it still be called “beef”?
Nah, it’s just a case of two people who have bad “tempehs.”
😄 😄 😄
Being a vegetarian in Germany is so difficult.
It’s the wurst.
😄 😄 😄
Apparently, Jude Law has a vegetarian son.
Coles Law.
😄 😄 😄
What car does a German vegetarian drive?
A Volks-vegan.
😄 😄 😄
If vegetarians eat vegetables... what do humanitarians eat?
😄 😄 😄
What do you call it when one chickpea murders another?
Hummus-cide.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the tofu cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken.
😄 😄 😄
I decided that becoming a vegetarian was a missed steak.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the vegetarian cross the road?
Because she was protesting for the chicken.
😄 😄 😄
What did one vegetarian say to the other vegetarian?
We have to stop meating like this.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the bodybuilder read the dictionary?
He was trying to learn how to define muscle.
😄 😄 😄
I don’t hate leg day.
It’s the two days after I can’t stand.
😄 😄 😄
“Why don’t you want to taco about it?”
“Because I’m nacho friend anymore.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call cheese that’s not yours?
Nacho cheese.
😄 😄 😄
A detective walks into a party and asks the party goers, “Do you guys have any nacho cheese?”
The party goers respond, “No dip, Sherlock.”
😄 😄 😄
The shady workers behind the Mexican restaurant...
That’s nacho business.
😄 😄 😄
What flavor are stolen Doritos?
Nacho cheese.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a Hispanic man who spilled his nachos?
A messycan.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call tortilla chips with guns?
Loaded Nachos.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a row of trucks hauling nachos?
A cheesy pickup line.
😄 😄 😄
How many songs do you need to write if you really want to make some money with them?
Four tunes.
😄 😄 😄
A boxer was throwing nothing but right hooks at a punching bag.
His trainer walked up and asked, “What gives?”
The boxer replied, “I’m exercising my rights.”
😄 😄 😄
What is a pirate’s least favorite workout?
Planks. His favorite is chest day.
😄 😄 😄
How do chickens wake up on time?
Alarm clucks!
😄 😄 😄
What treat is never on time?
Choco-Late.
😄 😄 😄
Hotel receptionists always seem to be such massive perverts.
They spend all day checking people out.
😄 😄 😄
The hotel I stayed in recently tried to charge me $10 for using the A/C.
That wasn’t cool.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the carpenter on a carrot farm who ran out of wood, so he had to start using carrots to make tables?
It turns out he wasn’t just good with wood, he was also good with vege tables.
😄 😄 😄
Which vegetable betrayed Jesus?
Judas Is-carrot.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a vegetable’s favorite martial art?
Carrotee!
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you mix a broccoli and a melon?
The saddest vegetable known to man—a melonccoli.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about Bruce Lee’s vegetarian brother?
His name was Brocco Lee.
😄 😄 😄
Broccoli looks into the trunk of his car.
He sees an extra tire and exclaims, “Oh! I have a-spar-a-gus!”
😄 😄 😄
What do you get if you cross a pig and a witch with sand?
A ham sandwich.
😄 😄 😄
What do you eat at the beach?
A sand-wich.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a religious animal that loves sandwiches?
The Deli Llama.
😄 😄 😄
What do elves make sandwiches with?
Shortbread.
😄 😄 😄
What did the grilled cheese sandwich say to their date?
You make me melt.
😄 😄 😄
How do dogs make sandwiches?
With purebred.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the ketchup thief?
He was caught red-handed.
😄 😄 😄
I don’t put ketchup and mustard on my hot dog, I relish it.
😄 😄 😄
Why do the hot dogs with ketchup spoil early?
Because the sauce ages.
😄 😄 😄
There is currently a tomato ketchup shortage in America.
If they run out of mayonnaise too, does that make it a double-dip recession?
😄 😄 😄
Dropped a huge bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused severe pain to-ma-toes.
😄 😄 😄
2 peanuts were walking down the street.
One was assaulted, the other got aroasted.
😄 😄 😄
What do peanuts wear on their feet?
Cashews.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a single kernel of corn?
A uni-corn.
😄 😄 😄
Two corns in a field were telling each other corny jokes.
They were the laughing stalk of the field.
😄 😄 😄
What role do green beans play in Thanksgiving dinner?
The casse-role.
😄 😄 😄
What is a poet’s favorite legume?
Rhyma-beans!
😄 😄 😄
Why are there only 239 beans in Irish stew?
Because one more, and it’d be too farty.
😄 😄 😄
Customer: “Waiter! Waiter! What is the moldy stuff?”
Waiter: “That’s a bean taco.”
Customer: “I’m sure it’s been a taco, but what is it now?!?”
😄 😄 😄
Where does Vin go after eating a really hot curry?
Da loo.
😄 😄 😄
Why can’t cowboys ever get the right answer in math class?
Because they’re always rounding things up.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the cowboy take hay to bed?
To feed his nightmares.
😄 😄 😄
If a cowboy rides into town on Friday and three days later, leaves on Friday, how does he do it?
The horse’s name is Friday!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
😄 😄 😄
The sunflower was feeling lonely.
He said he just wanted to get some-bud-y to love.
😄 😄 😄
The sunflower didn’t look very well.
I asked if he was feeling bouquet.
😄 😄 😄
Why do Pokémons like to eat sunflower seeds?
Because they like to pick and chew.
😄 😄 😄
The sunflower couldn’t ride a bicycle anymore.
Its petals broke.
😄 😄 😄
What flower loves to be in the sun?
Sunflower.
😄 😄 😄
God initially planned to use wasps to pollinate flowers.
But in the end, he went with plan Bee.
😄 😄 😄
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
“I be-leaf in you.”
😄 😄 😄
I like to stuff dollar bills in my belt.
They tell me it’s a waist of money.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t ghosts like rain on Halloween?
It dampens their spirits!
😄 😄 😄
What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house?
Hope it’s Halloween...
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a desert-dwelling witch?
A sand-witch.
😄 😄 😄
What did the vampire say to his hungry friend?
Don’t B-negative. Look for more positive.
😄 😄 😄
What do Italian ghosts have for dinner?
Spook-hetti!
😄 😄 😄
What do ghosts use to do their makeup?
Vanishing cream.
😄 😄 😄
What did people say when the headless horseman started dating a zombie?
He’s lost his head!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a haunted chicken?
A poultry-geist.
😄 😄 😄
Why are spirits so lonely?
They have no body to love.
😄 😄 😄
How do you get inside a locked cemetery at night?
Simple, use a skeleton key to unlock the gates.
😄 😄 😄
What did the skeleton bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
😄 😄 😄
Why didn’t the skeleton go see the scary movie?
He didn’t have the guts.
😄 😄 😄
How do you make a skeleton laugh?
Tickle their funny bones.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the problem with twin witches?
You never know which witch is which.
😄 😄 😄
What do moms dress up as on Halloween?
Mummies.
😄 😄 😄
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims?
On Fry Day.
😄 😄 😄
Why can’t two ghosts make out?
They go right through each other.
😄 😄 😄
Do you want to invest in my startup company to destroy all vampires?
I’m the main stakeholder.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call six witches in a Jacuzzi?
A self-cleaning coven.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the name of the Democratic skeleton from Brooklyn, New York who’s running for president?
Bony Sanders.
😄 😄 😄
What happens if you combine a vampire and a snowman?
You get frostbite.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a ghost’s favorite dessert?
I-Scream!
😄 😄 😄
What does a panda ghost eat?
Bam-BOO!
😄 😄 😄
What is in a ghost’s nose?
Boo-gers.
😄 😄 😄
Where does a ghost go on vacation?
Mali-boo.
😄 😄 😄
What do you do when you get locked outside your house in the cold weather?
You talk to the lock because communication is key.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
😄 😄 😄
What do you say to a stressed snowman?
Chill out!
😄 😄 😄
Why do people with vertigo hate autumn?
In case they have a bad fall.
😄 😄 😄
Did you know, you can make any dish an autumn dish by adding one simple step?
Try dropping it on the floor.
It really gives it that fall flavor.
😄 😄 😄
It's the season to be fall-y.
😄 😄 😄
Why did Humpty Dumpty love autumn?
Because Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?
Because he was out-standing in his field.
😄 😄 😄
What did the leaf say to autumn?
I’m falling for you!
😄 😄 😄
I haven’t tripped, but here I am in the fall.
😄 😄 😄
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn’y ache.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the pumpkin pie go to the doctor?
It was feeling crummy.
😄 😄 😄
How do you cure someone with a pumpkin spice addiction?
Apply the pumpkin patch.
😄 😄 😄
Oh my gourd, it’s already fall.
😄 😄 😄
Life is gourd.
😄 😄 😄
You’re gourdgeous!
😄 😄 😄
We got our seasonal bulk in at work today and got Pumpkin Spice Motor Oil.
It’s for autumnmobiles.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a pumpkin that can slam-dunk a basketball?
Michael Gourdan.
😄 😄 😄
Where do pumpkins hold meetings?
In the gourdroom.
😄 😄 😄
How do you repair a broken jack o’ lantern?
Use a pumpkin patch.
😄 😄 😄
How do pumpkins get up to the roof?
They use a jack-o-ladder.
😄 😄 😄
My Sister works at a pharmacy.
As a pharmasister.
😄 😄 😄
Pharmacists find their work to be very encapsulating.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the pharmacist who got hit with a bottle of omega-3?
They are okay, the injuries were superfishoil.
😄 😄 😄
Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.
😄 😄 😄
Our local politician just opened a neighborhood pharmacy store.
He is now a piller of the community.
😄 😄 😄
What did the girl say to Bald Bill when they were engaged?
She said, “God was generous to you. He gave you a lovely face and room for one more.”
😄 😄 😄
What is the funniest thing you can say to a bald man?
“You are so bald that I can simply rub your head and start predicting futures!”
😄 😄 😄
A hot dog and a hamburger are having a drink at the bar.
The hot dog says, “I’ve got some bad news for you and I can either sugarcoat it or give it to you straight.”
The hamburger replies, “Please, beef frank.”
😄 😄 😄
What dog can’t bark?
A hot dog.
😄 😄 😄
A guy claims to have made a 20 lb hot dog.
A butcher says, “Ah, that’s bologna.”
😄 😄 😄
What did the burger do when he ate his enemy the hot dog?
He relished it.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the disgruntled hot dog vendor quit his job?
He just didn’t relish it.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a dog with a fever?
Hot dog.
😄 😄 😄
What do you have to put on your hot dogs?
Must-ard!
😄 😄 😄
Why do Germans fear getting cheese in their hot dogs?
Because for them it’s considered to be a Wurst-Käse scenario.
😄 😄 😄
What did the American hot dog say to the German hot dog?
You’re the wurst.
😄 😄 😄
I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest as a hot dog.
I’m on a roll.
😄 😄 😄
Why does a dog stay in a shadow?
Because it doesn’t want to be a hot dog.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the best thing to put on a hot dog?
Water, to cool him down.
😄 😄 😄
Everyone always says that hot dogs suck.
I think German sausages are the wurst!
😄 😄 😄
Hot dog, it’s your birthday!
Let’s be Frank, you’re probably planning to party your buns off, so go ahead – don’t be a weenie!
Relish every moment of your celebration!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the hot dog dress up?
It felt a little halloweenie.
😄 😄 😄
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year.
They chose a hot dog... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
😄 😄 😄
What did the man do when he saw a hot dog?
He put it in the shade.
😄 😄 😄
I finally was chosen to pick toppings for the hot dogs!
I relished the opportunity!
😄 😄 😄
There are no losers when eating hot dogs.
Only wieners.
😄 😄 😄
If you don’t like hot dogs, I think you’re the wurst.
😄 😄 😄
The hot dog asked his friend, “Have you been to the German nightclub yet?”
His friend hadn’t, it was too krauted.
😄 😄 😄
Let me be frank, I love the summer.
😄 😄 😄
The family got completely lost on their journey to the hot dog stand.
They took a turn for the wurst.
😄 😄 😄
So hot dog, we meat again.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sea of hot dogs?
Frank Ocean.
😄 😄 😄
What is the best way to enjoy a hot dog?
Relish it.
😄 😄 😄
What did the people call the bad hot dog stand?
The WURST!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a guy with no arms and legs in a hot dog bun?
Frank.
😄 😄 😄
Went to a hot dog convention hoping to meet some women.
But it turned out to be a sausage fest.
😄 😄 😄
I might have to reconsider my kosher hot dog business...
For some reason, Anne’s Franks hasn’t been very popular with the target audience.
😄 😄 😄
Last, I declare you the weiner of the food contest.
😄 😄 😄
Why do all hot dogs look the same after coming off the grill?
Because they are in-bred.
😄 😄 😄
What did the mom say when her kid dropped their hot dog?
It could always be wurst!
😄 😄 😄
How do you make a hot dog stand?
Take away its chair.
😄 😄 😄
Every oven in the greasy hot dog restaurant was broken.
So the diners got a raw deal.
😄 😄 😄
When do franks tell insults?
At a wienie roast.
😄 😄 😄
How does the enthusiastic man eat his hot dog?
With relish.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a saw that cuts hot dogs?
Sawsage.
😄 😄 😄
I stepped into my shower today only to find hot dogs coming out of the shower head.
My plumber calls it a “meatier shower”.
😄 😄 😄
Have you ever been to a hot dog factory?
No, I haven’t sausage a place.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the vegetarian hot dog cross the road?
To prove he wasn’t chicken!
😄 😄 😄
Hot dogs really should be renamed to hot wolves... They always come in packs.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a candid hot dog?
A frankfurter.
😄 😄 😄
I just had a very serious discussion about hot dogs...
It was a frank discussion.
😄 😄 😄
A good friend of mine—Frank—owns and operates a struggling Hot Dog business.
He recently turned to social media to help boost sales though and is determined to make every post a weiner.
😄 😄 😄
I have an idea for a make-your-own hot dog place.
It’s called “What’s the Wurst That Could Happen?”.
😄 😄 😄
How did the hot dog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
😄 😄 😄
A yam and a hot dog are having a heart-to-heart.
Yam: “Can I be candied with you?”
Hot dog: “In that case, let me be frank.”
😄 😄 😄
I was eating a hot dog the other day and when I took a bite, ketchup squirted in my eye...
Now I have heinzsight.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a claim that a guy could eat a foot long hot dog in two bites?
Hard to swallow.
😄 😄 😄
Why does ketchup on hot dogs spoil early?
Because the sauce-ages.
😄 😄 😄
Hot dogs and I have a very frank relationship!
😄 😄 😄
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup?
Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a hot dog race?
Wiener takes all.
😄 😄 😄
When does a hot dog have a close shave?
At the barber-cue!
😄 😄 😄
Where do you smart hot dogs go?
On the honor role.
😄 😄 😄
She got fired from the hot dog stand for putting her hair in a bun.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a frozen frankfurter?
A chili dog.
😄 😄 😄
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter?
Ketch-up!
😄 😄 😄
What did Alex say to his college roommate to get him to stop working on his college essay and come out for hot dogs?
Relish today...
And Ketchup tomorrow.
😄 😄 😄
Why are German hot dogs the most controversial?
It’s because they make the best and the wurst ones.
😄 😄 😄
My girlfriend asked me if hot dogs were good for her diet.
I replied, “They’re not the wurst.”
😄 😄 😄
What did the hot dog say when it crossed the finish line?
“I’m a wiener!”
😄 😄 😄
Why does a Chicago-style hot dog always lose races?
Because it refuses to ketchup.
😄 😄 😄
I go to the store and buy ten hot dogs, nine burgers, three bags of chips, and six sodas.
If I eat nine hot dogs, seven burgers, three bags of chips, and drink five sodas, what do I have?
No self-control.
😄 😄 😄
I took a road trip with my German buddy and when I accidentally dropped my hot dog out the window he swung the car around to go back and get it. . .
That’s when the whole trip really took a turn for the wurst.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it?
A hollow-weenie!
😄 😄 😄
Did you see the movie about the hot dog?
It was an Oscar Wiener.
😄 😄 😄
What does the light bulb say when it’s being unscrewed?
“I’m feeling delighted...”
😄 😄 😄
Spider-Man borrowed his mom’s car to take it out for a spin.
😄 😄 😄
Spider-Man and Black Widow first met on the web.
😄 😄 😄
What would Wonder Woman and Spider-Man name their business?
Amazon Web Services.
😄 😄 😄
What does Spider-Man do when he gets angry?
He goes up the wall.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call Spider-Man with 20 eyes?
Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider-Man.
😄 😄 😄
Why is Spider-Man so good at climbing walls?
Because he is Peter Parkour.
😄 😄 😄
Would evil alternate-universe Spider-Man be a bad parallel parker?
😄 😄 😄
If you’re looking for Spider-Man, you can always find him on the web.
😄 😄 😄
If Spider-Man suddenly runs out of web when he’s chasing bad guys, what is he called?
Peter Parkour.
😄 😄 😄
Why does Spider-Man have such good comebacks?
Because with great power comes with great response-ability.
😄 😄 😄
Why did Spider-Man quit his day job?
He was tired of being a web developer.
😄 😄 😄
A few guys in Spider-Man costumes walked into a bar.
Apparently, they were web designers!
😄 😄 😄
What do heroes like Spider-Man and Ant-Man have in common?
They bug the villains!
😄 😄 😄
Why does Spider-Man spin webs?
Because he doesn’t know how to knit.
😄 😄 😄
Where does Spider-Man poop?
Web-ever he wants.
😄 😄 😄
How does Spider-Man communicate with all his superhero buds?
On the World Wide Web.
😄 😄 😄
Why did Spider-Man decide to join the swim team?
Because he had webbed feet!
😄 😄 😄
Why was Spider-Man such a bad driver?
Because he was always spinning out.
😄 😄 😄
Which part of a computer is Spider-Man’s favorite?
The web cam.
😄 😄 😄
Where does Spider-Man get his power?
From the World Wide Web.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call it when Spider-Man is involved in a love triangle?
A tangled web.
😄 😄 😄
Why does Spider-Man get so frustrated with the World Wide Web?
Because Google thinks his name is Spiderman, not Spider-Man!
😄 😄 😄
What did Bruce Banner say to Spider-Man?
Don’t bug me!
😄 😄 😄
What does Spider-Man put in his beverages?
Just ice.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call Spider-Man joining the Marvel Universe?
A Spin-Off.
😄 😄 😄
What is the name of Dr. Strange’s cousin who can’t do magic?
Doctor Normal.
😄 😄 😄
What is Spider-Man’s favorite day of the week?
Flyday.
😄 😄 😄
What is Spider-Man’s favorite part of the joke?
The punch line!
😄 😄 😄
What did people start calling Spider-man when he started to stop minding his own business and started interfering in others?
Nosy Parker.
😄 😄 😄
Why did all the tissue roll in the wall mart not enough for Spider-man?
Because Spider-man was more into flypaper kind of tissue roll.
😄 😄 😄
Why could Spider-man not drive a car decently even once?
Because he always confused drifting with spinning and end of in accidents.
😄 😄 😄
Which ankle did Spider-Man twist after tripping on the curb?
Ankle Ben.
😄 😄 😄
What is Spider-Man’s favorite sport?
Fly fishing.
😄 😄 😄
I wanted to ask Spider-Man to connect my TV, but I couldn’t find Maguire.
😄 😄 😄
Spider-Man likes toy tops because they are always spinning.
😄 😄 😄
What does Spider-Man do when he’s not fighting crime?
Web Development.
😄 😄 😄
Why doesn’t Spider-Man like rice?
It reminds him of Uncle Ben.
😄 😄 😄
What does Spider-man wear when it gets cold out?
A Peter Parka.
😄 😄 😄
Why does Spider-Man have shaky hands?
He has Peter Parkinsons.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call it when Spider-Man defeats Iron Man?
Tony Stuck.
😄 😄 😄
Why does Spider-Man never get caught cheating on his wife?
He’s an expert at spinning a web of lies.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call Spider-Man when he quits The Daily Bugle and starts working as a valet?
Peter PARKER.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call Spider-Man when he parks his car?
Peter PARKER.
😄 😄 😄
What is Spider-Man’s favorite Disney movie?
Peter Pan.
😄 😄 😄
Why doesn’t Spider-Man like to talk to Bruce Wayne?
Because he has bad breath.
😄 😄 😄
What is Spider-Man’s favorite food?
French flies.
😄 😄 😄
What disorder will Spider-Man get as he ages?
Peter Parkinsons.
😄 😄 😄
What is Spider-Man’s favorite road?
Peter parkway.
😄 😄 😄
What is Spider-Man’s favorite online music app?
Spot-a-fly.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross Spider-Man with a flatbread?
Pita Parker.
😄 😄 😄
Why does Spider-Man only have 11 months on his calendar?
Because he lost May.
😄 😄 😄
What is Spider-Man’s favorite exercise?
Spin class.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear that Spider-Man is in trouble with the law?
They caught him on the web looking for Mary-Jane.
😄 😄 😄
What does Spider-Man use when he wants to be stealthy?
The Dark Web.
😄 😄 😄
What would you call if Spider-Man starts jumping around buildings instead of swinging using his spider webs?
Peter Parkour.
😄 😄 😄
Spider bite created Spider-Man. What would a dog’s bite create?
Doberman.
😄 😄 😄
Why do the Avengers keep calling Spider-Man over to fix their computer?
Because they heard he’s a web developer.
😄 😄 😄
Spider-Man became a vigilante.
Meanwhile, Aunt May became a vigil auntie.
😄 😄 😄
Spider-Man gets a job in the CIA.
What does the officer tell him?
Spy-there-man!
😄 😄 😄
Why does Spider-Man hate driving with his evil twin?
Because he’s a bad parallel Parker.
😄 😄 😄
What is Spider-Man’s favorite pastime?
Surfing the web.
😄 😄 😄
What is Spider-Man’s favorite brand of rice?
Uncle Ben’s.
😄 😄 😄
Anyone can learn to climb a wall like Spider-Man, you just need to stick to it.
😄 😄 😄
I went on a date with Spider-Man, but he was super clingy.
😄 😄 😄
I went to watch Spider-Man playing baseball.
He was great at catching flies.
😄 😄 😄
I went bowling once. I threw the ball down the lane and got a strike.
The result was that I am now banned from the swimming pool.
😄 😄 😄
Where do dead bowling pins go?
To the pit of doom!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a triumphant procession held by the bowling pins?
A perfect strike.
😄 😄 😄
Last year, I had a job at the bowling alley.
It wasn’t for long though; I was only tenpin.
😄 😄 😄
Thought I would be fine having another drink. Woke up later in an alley.
Then, the bowling ball hit me.
😄 😄 😄
I recently heard that Turkeys aren’t allowed to play baseball.
No matter how many times they hit, they’ll always hit fowl balls.
😄 😄 😄
Why did all the planets give the most attention to the sun?
Because the sun is the center of the universe.
😄 😄 😄
What did Neptune say to Pluto when they fought?
Comet me, bro.
😄 😄 😄
Why did Pluto have to go to the dentist?
Because he spotted some black holes.
😄 😄 😄
Why was it difficult for planets to play golf?
They spotted many black holes.
😄 😄 😄
How do planets pay each other?
With star bucks.
😄 😄 😄
What did the planets drink when they wanted to bulk up?
Milky Whey.
😄 😄 😄
Why do people on Earth like the way the planet rotates?
Because it makes their day.
😄 😄 😄
What is Planet Earth’s favorite dance move?
The moonwalk.
😄 😄 😄
Why are astronauts difficult to talk to?
Because they are not down to earth.
😄 😄 😄
Where do all planets go for their higher education?
To the universe-ity.
😄 😄 😄
Which planet is the richest of them all?
Saturn, because it has many rings.
😄 😄 😄
What is a planet’s favorite gum?
Orbit.
😄 😄 😄
What did Earth say to the other planets?
Get a life!
😄 😄 😄
Why is Mercury the cleverest planet?
Because it has the most degrees!
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the happy asteroid?
It was over the moon!
😄 😄 😄
One place where I lived had unusual sounds at night.
It sounded sort of like hundreds of chickens, but very faint and only under the darkest moon.
Turns out the place had been built over an old egg and chicken farm, which had become haunted by the noises of the deceased chickens.
We had a poultrygeist.
😄 😄 😄
Why do wolves howl at the moon?
Cause they don’t know how to use cell phones.
😄 😄 😄
I told my friends I was a blood-sucking insect from the moon.
They said I was a luna tick.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear they found a pushpin on the largest moon of Saturn?
That’s right.
A tac on Titan.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between science and religion?
Science flies you to the moon while religion flies you into buildings.
😄 😄 😄
I never drink beer with an orange slice in it.
Except once in a Blue Moon.
😄 😄 😄
How do you know there’s no hair on the moon?
The moon waxes 14 times a month!
😄 😄 😄
What does Michael Jackson have in common with NASA?
It’s been decades since their first moonwalk.
😄 😄 😄
What is Dracula’s favorite type of moon phase?
A Blood moon.
😄 😄 😄
What squirms and howls at the Harvest Moon?
Wereworms.
😄 😄 😄
When asked the temperature I enjoy giving it in Kelvin.
I’m losing my friends by degrees.
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot in the Apple store because they have no Windows.
😄 😄 😄
Why are mountains the funniest places to go for summer vacation?
Because they are hill-arious!
😄 😄 😄
Why was everyone keeping their food on my friend’s head?
He had got a bowl cut!
😄 😄 😄
One day the queen wanted a haircut.
No barber in England would do it. Why?
God shave the Queen.
😄 😄 😄
I got a haircut today, but I’m never going back to that barber.
I asked for one hair cut, and he cut all of them.
😄 😄 😄
How does Tom Brady have a bad haircut before every game?
He always asks for the Super “Bowl Cut”.
😄 😄 😄
My friend said that my haircut makes me look like a rooster.
I said it’s a cock-a-doodle do.
😄 😄 😄
I saw my wife using her phone to record her getting a haircut.
I think she’s planning to watch the highlights later.
😄 😄 😄
My barber wanted me to sign a long-term service agreement before giving me a haircut, but I refused.
I couldn’t accept all those perms and conditions.
😄 😄 😄
I gave my pet bird a haircut and now he thinks he’s James Bond.
Well, I suppose he is a Shorn Canary.
😄 😄 😄
Why are haircuts so cheap in Morocco?
Because they’ve got so many Berbers!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a line of men waiting to get a haircut?
A barberqueue!
😄 😄 😄
I hated my haircut at first...
But now it’s starting to grow on me.
😄 😄 😄
Why is an alien like a collection of famous actors’ autographs?
They’ve both come from the stars.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get if you cross a martian with a golf score?
A little green bogey.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get if you cross an ex-Popstar with an extra-terrestrial?
Kym Martian.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the alien who flew a spaceship from Neptune to Uranus in just 3 minutes and 21 seconds?
He’s listed in the Guinness Book Of Out-Of-This-World Records.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a spaceship with a faulty air conditioning unit?
A frying saucer!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an alien that lives in a bog?
A marsh-in!
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross an alien and something white and fluffy?
A martian-mallow!
😄 😄 😄
Why were there only 18 letters in the alphabet?
Because E.T. flew off in a UFO, and the CIA chased after him!
😄 😄 😄
What do aliens on the metric system say?
Take me to your liter.
😄 😄 😄
What did the alien say when he was out of the room?
I’m all spaced out!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the alien throw beef on the asteroid?
He wanted it a little meteor!
😄 😄 😄
What do you give an alien?
Some space!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an alien with three eyes?
An aliiien!
😄 😄 😄
What did the alien say to the flower bed?
Take me to your weeder!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call alien eggs?
Eggstra-terrestrials!
😄 😄 😄
What’s an alien’s favorite treat?
Martian-mallows!
😄 😄 😄
Why do aliens always spill their tea?
Because they have flying saucers!
😄 😄 😄
What kind of songs do aliens listen to?
Neptunes!
😄 😄 😄
How do aliens pay for coffee?
They use star bucks!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the alien go off in his ship?
He needed some space
😄 😄 😄
What do aliens like to eat?
Unidentified frying objects!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the alien think the spaceship was so good?
It was out of this world!
😄 😄 😄
What did the alien think of the anti-gravity book?
He couldn’t put it down!
😄 😄 😄
What did the ufo denier say when shown undeniable video proof of alien spaceships and was even told that one of those spaceships houses the leader of the universe?
“Which craft?”
😄 😄 😄
An astronaut and an alien walk into a bar...
S p a c e b a r.
😄 😄 😄
Yesterday I was talking to an alien from space. Turns out they eat radioactive materials.
I ask it what its favorite meal was.
It told me:
“Fission chips.”
😄 😄 😄
In honor of Area 51, what do you call too many aliens in one place?
Extra terrestrials.
😄 😄 😄
I don’t know why people expect to find aliens in Area 51.
Trump would have deported them by now!
😄 😄 😄
Are aliens from invasion movies actually British?
Because all they do is colonize.
😄 😄 😄
What did the space alien tell Franz Schubert?
“Take me to your Lieder!”
😄 😄 😄
What would you hear at a very long opera about aliens?
Aria 51.
😄 😄 😄
An Alien visited the Solar system and ate Jupiter.
When asked how it was the Alien replied simply:
“Gastronomical.”
😄 😄 😄
What do aliens call an American who couldn’t cross the road?
A flat Earther.
😄 😄 😄
Some aliens in a flying saucer offered to fly me to the moon.
But they wouldn’t let us land because the moon was full.
😄 😄 😄
How do redneck aliens abduct people?
Tractor beam.
😄 😄 😄
What did the IKEA dresser say to the aliens after landing on their planet?
I come in pieces.
😄 😄 😄
A lot of people think Crop Circles are done by alien aircraft...
I think they’re done by Cereal Killers.
😄 😄 😄
What do aliens spread on their toast?
Space jam.
😄 😄 😄
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
You rocket!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an alien with no eyes?
Alen.
😄 😄 😄
I got abducted by aliens...
I was told to do my all chores, eat my veggies, take a shower and brush my teeth.
It was then I realized I was in the mother ship.
😄 😄 😄
What did the alien paramedic say when he first arrived on Earth?
“Take me to your bleeder.”
😄 😄 😄
Why do we call the aliens creating the pyramids a conspiracy theory?
It’s obviously a pyramid scheme.
😄 😄 😄
I just found bacteria growing on my chocolate bar.
I guess there is life on Mars after all.
😄 😄 😄
Hershey bars have dominated chocolate for over a century.
Is anyone else not offended we still don’t have a Himhe bar?
😄 😄 😄
which is the most feminine candy?
it’s Hershey!
😄 😄 😄
My cousin works in a chocolate shop.
He works behind the bar.
😄 😄 😄
In case you were wondering, chocolate identifies as female.
Preferred pronouns are Her/she.
😄 😄 😄
A Korean martial artist was giving away chocolate bars.
I asked if I could have 2.
He said, “No, you can taek-won-do.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did M&M go to University?
Because he wanted to be a Smartie.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of bar is kid-friendly?
A chocolate bar.
😄 😄 😄
Don’t fight with me over chocolate because I am not someone to be truffled with!
😄 😄 😄
These days, shoes are called snickers.
😄 😄 😄
The electrician’s favorite ice cream flavor is shock-a-lot.
😄 😄 😄
What is an astronaut’s favorite chocolate?
A Mars bar.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend?
A PayDay.
😄 😄 😄
What chocolate bar never laughs at jokes?
Snickers—he only snickers!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the candy bar cross the road?
Because he was choco-LATE for the bus!
😄 😄 😄
Which is the clumsiest candy bar?
A Butterfinger!
😄 😄 😄
Which candy bar is handsome, talented, rich, and lacks for nothing?
A Bounty-ful!
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross a red racing car, nuts, and chocolate?
A Ferrari Rocher!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call the rocks kids covered in chocolate?
Coco pebbles.
😄 😄 😄
People often ask me how I manage to smuggle chocolate into movie theaters.
Let’s just say, I have a few Twix up my sleeve...
😄 😄 😄
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, nuts and marshmallows.
I have to admit it was a rocky road.
😄 😄 😄
My wife hates it when I swap her chocolate bar wrappers round.
It gets her Snickers in a Twix.
😄 😄 😄
What did the shop owner say when he accidentally ordered too much chocolate and marshmallows?
We’ve got a rocky road ahead of us...
😄 😄 😄
I heard a joke about chocolate bars and it wasn’t that funny.
So I just snickered...
😄 😄 😄
How did the chocolate frog sneak into Hogwarts?
It used the invisibility croak.
😄 😄 😄
Last night in jail, they gave us mint chocolates for dessert.
I thought they’d be gross, but they were actually pretty good. Turns out...
That in-prison mint isn’t as bad as I expected!
😄 😄 😄
I’m looking forward to the day we celebrate that chocolate cookie with white icing in the middle.
Mem-Oreo Day.
😄 😄 😄
I once saw a ghost made of chocolate and vanilla.
Ice creamed!
😄 😄 😄
Seven days without chocolate...
Makes one weak.
😄 😄 😄
What is round, ugly, smeared with chocolate and just showed up unwashed to your first date?
A Tinder surprise.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the magician who had chocolate in his shirt?
He had some Twix up his sleeve.
😄 😄 😄
What do neckbeards like on their hotdogs?
M’stard.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a neckbeard’s favorite thing to put on toast?
Marm’lady.
😄 😄 😄
What does a neckbeard call a woman he meets at a fast food joint?
McLady.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you shave off a neckbeard’s neckbeard?
M’stache.
😄 😄 😄
I almost cut off my beard today.
That was a close shave.
😄 😄 😄
My wife suggested I start growing a beard, to which I was against initially against...
But now, I must say, it’s growing on me.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the barber keep agreeing to shave the lion’s fur even though it was dangerous?
It was his mane source of income.
😄 😄 😄
What does every poet with a mustache dream of?
To have facial hair like Shakes-beard.
😄 😄 😄
Why are beards so polite?
Because they’re well-groomed.
😄 😄 😄
What did the hipster tell his chef friend with a beard?
“You ought to shavour every bite!”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the man help his friends trim their facial hair?
Shearing is caring.
😄 😄 😄
Why couldn’t the man with the thick beard figure out the cause of his itchy beard?
He couldn’t get to the root of it.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the unlucky bearded man shave?
Because fortune favors the shave!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the teen get a grooming kit for his birthday?
It was his shaventeenth birthday.
😄 😄 😄
Where does a beard stylist buy their grooming products?
At a Shaven Eleven.
😄 😄 😄
Where does a beard styling enthusiast go for vacations?
Shave-illa.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the bearded thief shave before robbing a bank?
They wanted to be a smooth criminal.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the friend who shaved lie about his beard?
He’s a bald-faced liar.
😄 😄 😄
What did the fancy bearded goat order at the café?
A goa-tea.
😄 😄 😄
What happened to the bearded clown after he was kicked out of the circus?
He lost his stubble mode of income.
😄 😄 😄
What did the balding guy and teenager growing a beard have in common?
For them, every hair counts!
😄 😄 😄
Why didn’t the barber ask the question about beards?
He was shaving it for later.
😄 😄 😄
Why isn’t Santa allowed to shave his beard?
It’s in his Clause.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the bearded man appointed as the sheriff in the town?
He had a gunslinger beard!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the bearded prince marry Rapunzel?
He wanted a hairytale ending.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the bearded man sue the barber who sneakily shaved off his beard?
He barber-ed a grudge against him.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the man who grew his beard for an entire year afraid of the barber?
The barber was a hairbinger of doom for him!
😄 😄 😄
What did the man say before shaving off his beard?
“Hair goes nothing!”
😄 😄 😄
What did the beard say after growing back on the man’s face?
“I’ve been hair before!”
😄 😄 😄
What did the barber say to the man after shaving his beard?
“All good things must comb to an end.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the bearded man decline the invitation to a charity event?
It was a fund razor.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the man who couldn’t grow a beard tape a rabbit to his face?
Then he would get the facial hare he always wanted.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the bearded man’s shaving product business flop?
Because of the razor-thin margins.
😄 😄 😄
Why do people hate to shave off their beards?
They’re naturally attached to it.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the astronaut grow a beard in space?
He wanted spacial hair.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the man maintain his beard to perfection?
If he didn’t, things would get a bit hairy.
😄 😄 😄
What did the man with a beard call his pottery shop?
Hairy Potter.
😄 😄 😄
My friend and I are in a beard-growing contest...
It’s neck and neck right now.
😄 😄 😄
Where does a person with a beard put their beard clippings?
Their shavings account.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the man named Penny keep shaving his beard?
A Penny shaved is a Penny earned.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a goat with a beard?
A goatee.
😄 😄 😄
Buzz Aldrin is a man who demands respect.
I saw him speak a while ago and he said, “I’m the second guy to walk on the moon...”
“Neil before me.”
😄 😄 😄
What did officials say after budget cuts forced them to cancel the last few moon missions?
We APOLLO-gize!
😄 😄 😄
My kids have recently been super obsessed with the moon and my wife is starting to get worried.
I told her not to worry, it’s only a phase.
😄 😄 😄
I promised my new girlfriend the sun, the moon and the stars...
So, I took her to the planetarium.
😄 😄 😄
Astronomers got tired of watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours.
They decided to call it a day.
😄 😄 😄
What did the dad say to his son when he became afraid of the full moon?
“Don’t worry! It’s just a phase it’s going through!”
😄 😄 😄
The moon is full tonight, do you think he eats too much?
No, it’s just a phase.
😄 😄 😄
Did you know they found water on the moon?
But only when it’s waning.
😄 😄 😄
I was going to the moon on vacation and I read it gets to -280 degrees at night.
I might need a space heater.
😄 😄 😄
I suspect the moon wasn’t hungry last night.
It looked full.
😄 😄 😄
Went to a party on the moon once.
Didn’t really like it, no atmosphere.
😄 😄 😄
The reason that no one has returned to the moon for so long is that every time someone tries to book a hotel there, it’s full...
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you take a green cheese on the moon and divide its circumference by its diameter?
Moon pi.
😄 😄 😄
How does one astronaut on the moon tell another astronaut that he is sorry?
He apollo-gises.
😄 😄 😄
Living costs on the moon would probably be out of this world.
😄 😄 😄
What do you think walking on the moon is like?
Not very impactful.
😄 😄 😄
Last night I was but by a bloodsucker from the moon.
Damn lunatics!
😄 😄 😄
Got my friend an unnecessarily large rocket for bonfire night.
He’s over the moon!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a person really crazy about the moon?
A lunatic.
😄 😄 😄
How does a quarter moon always feel?
Crestfallen.
😄 😄 😄
Why didn’t the moon go outside?
Because it was waning.
😄 😄 😄
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
😄 😄 😄
How does the sun say hi to the moon?
With a heat wave!
😄 😄 😄
What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut.
😄 😄 😄
Libya changed its plain green flag to a crescent moon, but I think they’ll change it back.
It’s only a phase, after all.
😄 😄 😄
Why couldn’t the astronaut book a room on the moon?
Because it was full!
😄 😄 😄
What do you use to hold things on the moon?
Crate-rs.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a crazy moon?
Lunacy.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a lazy man in space?
A procrastronaut.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the astronaut break up with her boyfriend?
Because she needed some space.
😄 😄 😄
Why did Mickey Mouse go to outer space?
To find Pluto.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t people like going to the moon?
It has no atmosphere.
😄 😄 😄
Why couldn’t the moon eat anymore?
It was a full moon.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the moon burp?
Because it was full!
😄 😄 😄
Why is the moon so hungry?
Because it’s only full once a month!
😄 😄 😄
What did the Moon say to Saturn?
Give me a ring sometime!
😄 😄 😄
What’s closer, France or the Moon?
The Moon, obviously! You can’t see France from here!
😄 😄 😄
I wonder how NASA felt after Apollo 11’s success.
I bet they were over the moon.
😄 😄 😄
How does the moon do his nails?
Eclipse them.
😄 😄 😄
Did you know, some fleas spend their lives jumping for the moon?
Lunar-tics.
😄 😄 😄
Why doesn’t the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
😄 😄 😄
An Irishman walks into NASA and asks:
“Can Ireland my spaceship on the moon?”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a rampaging cow under the full moon?
Udder lunacy.
😄 😄 😄
Why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it’s a gray area.
😄 😄 😄
Why were there bones on the moon?
Because the cow didn’t make it.
😄 😄 😄
What did the therapist say to the moon?
Don’t worry, you’re just going through a phase.
😄 😄 😄
Son: “Hey dad, can you guess what is worse than no moon?”
Dad: “No sun?”
Son: “You don’t even want to take a guess?”
Dad: “No sun!”
Son: “You’re so stubborn, the answer is no sun.”
😄 😄 😄
What did the moon say to the sun?
“Hello, Sun.”
What did the sun say to the moon?
“Dad?”
😄 😄 😄
The moon landing is obviously fake.
Like come on, the moon is still up there. It never landed.
😄 😄 😄
How do you know when the moon is going broke?
When it’s down to its last quarter.
😄 😄 😄
My physicist girlfriend told me that she loves me to the moon and back.
I’m worried she means displacement, not distance.
😄 😄 😄
I’d move to the moon, but the cost of living is astronomical.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a meal from the moon?
A satellite dish.
😄 😄 😄
An astronaut stepped in gum on the moon.
He’s stuck in orbit.
😄 😄 😄
My son identifies as a crescent moon.
I’m worried, but my wife says it’s just a phase.
😄 😄 😄
What does the moon like to have on its toast?
Space Jam!
😄 😄 😄
What is the moon’s favorite cartoon?
Lunar-toons.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the best drink they make in space?
Le-moon-ade!
😄 😄 😄
Where does the moon go to get its qualifications?
Moon-iversity!
😄 😄 😄
How would the moon get their baby moon to sleep?
They rocket!
😄 😄 😄
Which way did the cow jump over the moon?
The Milky Way!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunar-tick!
😄 😄 😄
What is the moon’s favorite type of cheese?
Moon-zerella cheese!
😄 😄 😄
How does the moon cut its hair?
Eclipse it!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the moon get a parking ticket?
They forgot to pay the parking meteor!
😄 😄 😄
What holds the moon up?
Moon beams!
😄 😄 😄
What is the moon’s favorite type of music?
Rocket and roll!
😄 😄 😄
How do you organize a party for the moon?
You just planet!
😄 😄 😄
Why couldn’t the moon finish its dinner?
It was a full moon!
😄 😄 😄
What do moon people do after they get married?
Go on their honey-earth!
😄 😄 😄
What kind of books does the moon like to read?
Comet-books!
😄 😄 😄
The moon gets a little more chilly in September, time to put on its harvest!
😄 😄 😄
Did you see the moon this evening?
It’s absolutely blue-tiful!
😄 😄 😄
You know, if the moon landing was faked, NASA owes us a huge Apollo-gy!
😄 😄 😄
The astronauts were pretty upset there was no Wi-Fi on the moon, they wanted to update their spacebook status!
😄 😄 😄
I’m not really enjoying this space flight, I’d like to speak to the moon-agement!
😄 😄 😄
It’s hard to have a serious conversation with an astronaut, you would think they would understand the gravity of the situation!
😄 😄 😄
How does an astronaut tell the time?
They just check their rocket watch.
😄 😄 😄
No need to Apollo-gize, I know you didn’t moon what you said!
😄 😄 😄
You know, you’re being a little moon-dy, I hope it’s just a phase!
😄 😄 😄
The moon seems to be going through another phase, should we get outer its space?
😄 😄 😄
On the moon they love a fancy breakfast, today they are having crescents!
😄 😄 😄
When the moon is being super grumpy, its parents turn to each other and say, “Gibbous strength!”
😄 😄 😄
What did the grouchy moon say?
Just get outer my space!
😄 😄 😄
I went to my first full moon party at the weekend, I have to say, it eclipsed my expectations!
😄 😄 😄
I wonder if the moon prefers coffee or gravi-tea?
😄 😄 😄
The moon is so cheeky, it’s always playing lunar-tricks.
😄 😄 😄
The moon has been talking for a long time now, I think it’s just moon-ologging at this point!
😄 😄 😄
I don’t mean to sound o-moon-ous, but that meteor looks awfully big!
😄 😄 😄
I wonder what the moon’s favorite bagel is?
Probably cinna-moon raisin.
😄 😄 😄
Those who study the moon are real optimists, they tend to look at the bright side.
😄 😄 😄
Our cardboard spaceship will be great! Just use your i-moon-gination!
😄 😄 😄
Are you trying to moon-ipulate me?
😄 😄 😄
What board game do they love to play in space?
Moon-opoly!
😄 😄 😄
Guess what happened to the man who played board games all his life?
He got bored with playing games!
😄 😄 😄
I got a wooden bike with wooden handles and wheels. Guess what?
It woo-den start.
😄 😄 😄
Two monkeys are sharing an Amazon account, guess what are they called?
Prime mates.
😄 😄 😄
Scientists experimented on a rabbit and a bug, guess what they get?
A bugs bunny.
😄 😄 😄
I really want to start a donut shop.
But I don’t have enough dough.
😄 😄 😄
How do you remove the inherent bureaucracy that’s plaguing the donut industry?
Cut out the middle, man.
😄 😄 😄
What did the donut say to the loaf of bread?
“If I had as much dough as you, I wouldn’t be hanging around this hole.”
😄 😄 😄
Does anybody go to the donut party?
I heard it was jam packed.
😄 😄 😄
What did the taco say to the depressed donut?
Taco: “Want to taco bout it?”
Donut: “I donut know what to say.”
😄 😄 😄
What does Bob Marley say to his friends when they come around for donuts and coffee?
“I hope you like jam in too.”
😄 😄 😄
What’s under the Pillsbury Doughboy’s apron?
Donuts.
😄 😄 😄
The donut shop got robbed.
The burglars said they chose it because the shop was rolling in the dough.
😄 😄 😄
What is the best way to have a well-rounded diet?
Eat donuts.
😄 😄 😄
What did the sign on the baker’s door read when she wanted to be alone?
Donut disturb.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of nut doesn’t have a shell?
A donut.
😄 😄 😄
Vacationers spend too much time and money at donut shops.
They’re torus traps.
😄 😄 😄
What sign was hanging outside the room where all the donut lovers were having a meeting?
It was a sign that said “Donut disturb!”.
😄 😄 😄
Please, donut break my heart.
😄 😄 😄
Donut judge me for being a dessert lover!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the daughter start eating donuts?
Because her mother said, “You better eat hole foods.”
😄 😄 😄
Which nut has the most calories for the human body?
The Donut.
😄 😄 😄
What would you call a cute and sassy donut?
Glazing adoughrable.
😄 😄 😄
What would donuts’ favorite drink be?
The hole-y water.
😄 😄 😄
What did the sad man say to the man at the dessert counter?
Donut kill my vibe!
😄 😄 😄
How can you justify donuts being healthy?
Because they are included in the hole food category.
😄 😄 😄
Why do people say donuts are made by God?
Because they are hole-y.
😄 😄 😄
Why do many donuts feel sad?
Because they feel really empty inside.
😄 😄 😄
What did you tell the shopkeeper at the grocery store?
Donut mind me, I am here for the hole food.
😄 😄 😄
Why are donuts good at playing golf?
They always have a hole in one!
😄 😄 😄
What did the basketball player who loved donuts say after the match?
Let’s go to Dunkin’ Donuts for the hole food protein!
😄 😄 😄
What does the gym instructor say after having loads of desserts?
“I donut care anymore.”
😄 😄 😄
Why do you think a donut would ever become a priest?
Because it is very hole-y.
😄 😄 😄
Why do people ignore filled donuts?
Because they are just full of themselves.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the boy stop eating donuts?
Because he got bored with the hole thing.
😄 😄 😄
What did the doughy wife say to the donut husband?
“Donut talk to me!”
😄 😄 😄
How was the donuts’ hole business?
Not at all jam-packed.
😄 😄 😄
Donut underestimate the power of baked goods.
😄 😄 😄
Hole me closer, tiny donut.
😄 😄 😄
It’s your birthday; let’s donuts!
😄 😄 😄
Do or donut, there is no try.
😄 😄 😄
Donut worry. Be happy!
😄 😄 😄
Let’s go to Dunkin!
We need more hole foods!
😄 😄 😄
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star”.
😄 😄 😄
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
😄 😄 😄
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
😄 😄 😄
Which nut has a hole in it?
A donut.
😄 😄 😄
What is the only thing that can cure a sick donut?
An antidought!
😄 😄 😄
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the National Donut Day theme song?
“Donut Stop Believing”.
😄 😄 😄
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
😄 😄 😄
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
😄 😄 😄
Where’s a donut’s favorite vacation spot?
The Sahara dessert.
😄 😄 😄
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
😄 😄 😄
What did the pastry chef say to his unsupportive father?
“Donut hole me back!”
😄 😄 😄
How did the strawberry donut feel after dinner?
Jam-packed!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the donut start going to therapy?
It couldn’t get over the feeling that something was missing—it never felt hole!
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut.
😄 😄 😄
Why did Tiger Woods return the donuts?
Because there was a hole-in-one.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a cute donut?
Adoughrable.
😄 😄 😄
Never insult a donut.
Some of them have fillings.
😄 😄 😄
Where was the first donut cooked?
In Greece.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the donut go to the dentist?
To get a filling.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
He got tired of the HOLE business.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the Croissants take the Donuts and Bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call an underwater Dunken’ Donuts?
Sunken Donuts.
😄 😄 😄
How does Bob Marley like his donuts?
Wi’ jam in.
😄 😄 😄
Why do crypto fans love donuts?
Because they’re decentralized.
😄 😄 😄
French Donuts...
...are the Beigne of my existence.
😄 😄 😄
What did the donuts do on their date?
They glazed into each other’s eyes.
😄 😄 😄
I just heard that the Dunkin’ Donuts in my area will initiate with a surcharge for coming in without wearing a mask.
They’re going to call it a cough fee.
😄 😄 😄
The other day I saw an event a local church was having at a dispensary where they were giving away donuts and spreading the Word of God.
They called it Glaze It, Blaze It, and Praise It.
😄 😄 😄
How does the Krispy Creme sales rep refer to his agenda?
Doughnut Call List.
😄 😄 😄
What did the cops see after they told the Pillsbury Doughboy to spread ’em?
Doughnuts!
😄 😄 😄
Cop Cuisine Point to Ponder:
Do cops like doughnuts better when they’re spelled Do-Nuts?
😄 😄 😄
How do beat cops define the word “doughnut”?
A local bakery owner who is absolutely crazy about money.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the cops arrest the donut baker?
He was caught pinching the salt.
😄 😄 😄
Which kind of donuts can fly?
The plane ones.
😄 😄 😄
Why do cops that play basketball like donuts the most?
Because they love to dunk them.
😄 😄 😄
Why are cop donut shop jokes always so funny?
They never get mold.
😄 😄 😄
What is every policeman’s favorite charity fundraiser?
Dollars to Donuts.
😄 😄 😄
What do cops call it when they’re called out to the local donut bakery?
Bread Alert!
😄 😄 😄
Which holiday is every policeman’s favorite?
National Donut Day.
😄 😄 😄
Working from home is weird. I got so sick of sitting at my desk, I wrote my last blog from my kids’ trampoline.
The time-on-page was pretty good, but the bounce rate was really high.
😄 😄 😄
I’m getting paid a lot to shut down Zoom calls.
Now I’m making ends meet by making meets end!
😄 😄 😄
I missed my Skype work meeting today.
It’s funny how I’m not even remotely sorry!
😄 😄 😄
Now that I’m teaching remotely, I can’t reward my students for their good work.
So I tell them to visit my website for cookies instead.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call the phenomenon where nobody can hear you on Zoom?
A Mute-ation.
😄 😄 😄
My work from home plan isn’t going very well because my pet cat keeps hitting its paws on my remote working.
😄 😄 😄
Remote working has worked out well for IT professionals.
It was a hard drive to the office anyway!
😄 😄 😄
I told a joke over a Zoom meeting...
...it wasn’t even remotely funny.
😄 😄 😄
How do people in the navy work from home?
Play Battleship.
😄 😄 😄
I’m chronically depressed, but my spirits feel uplifted when I’m outside in the beautiful sunshine.
I guess I must be solar-powered?
😄 😄 😄
I’ve invented a solar-powered still!
It turns sunshine into moonshine.
😄 😄 😄
What’s a vegan’s favorite non-terrestrial moon in the solar system?
En-salad-us.
😄 😄 😄
Ganymede left Jupiter and flew out of the solar system last week.
I saw it today in the orbituaries.
😄 😄 😄
There’s a contest going around and if you win 1st place you get a whole solar system named after you.
Second place is just a constellation prize.
😄 😄 😄
I asked my German friend how many planets are in our Solar System.
Surprisingly he said, “Nine.”
😄 😄 😄
I think Saturn’s name is the best in our solar system.
It has a nice ring to it.
😄 😄 😄
Why are solar panels so trustworthy?
They don’t work in the shadows.
😄 😄 😄
Generating all of our power from solar energy...
... it’s not going to happen overnight!
😄 😄 😄
I don’t plan to put up solar panels...
But, if you do, more power to you.
😄 😄 😄
How does the solar system keep its pants from falling down?
It uses an asteroid belt.
😄 😄 😄
I own a solar powered food maker.
It’s an apple tree.
😄 😄 😄
Why haven’t aliens visited our Solar System yet?
They looked at the reviews... only 1 star.
😄 😄 😄
What is the best college to apply to learn about solar radiation?
U.V. Ray.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the tree install solar panels?
It wanted to be a power plant.
😄 😄 😄
Why do lemons use sun tan lotion?
Because if they don’t they’ll peel!
😄 😄 😄
How can Minecraft players avoid sunburn?
Sunblock.
😄 😄 😄
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
😄 😄 😄
How much far can you see with your naked eyes, on a clear day?
92,955,807 miles (to the sun).
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sausage who’s been sunbathing all day?
Done!
😄 😄 😄
What will reading sun jokes under the sun make you?
Well red.
😄 😄 😄
What is sun-bathing called in northern Spain?
Basqueing.
😄 😄 😄
Which Marvel supervillain loves being under the sun?
Tan-os.
😄 😄 😄
Why is the sun such a famous celeb?
Because he is literally a shining star, as everyone knows.
😄 😄 😄
What is another fancy name for a sun fart?
A solar flare.
😄 😄 😄
What would the sun say if he had a wife?
You are my sol-mate.
😄 😄 😄
What are the sun’s favorite chocolate bars?
A Milky Way.
😄 😄 😄
Why is the sun such an egomaniac?
He believes that everything revolves around him.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the snowman who got angry when the sun came out?
He had a total meltdown.
😄 😄 😄
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.
After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...
So Noah asked them, “Why aren’t you multiplying?”
The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a female horse that refuses to work while the sun is up?
A Nightmare!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the sun not go to college?
Because it already has a million degrees!
😄 😄 😄
Our love is a fruit salad!
We are a great pear and I cherryish you.
😄 😄 😄
I love your sweater.
I think it’s made out of spouse material.
😄 😄 😄
What did the electric socket say to their spouse?
“I love you a watt!”
😄 😄 😄
I donut want to glaze over the fact that I love you a hole bunch.
😄 😄 😄
I hope you like veggies cause I love you from my head tomatoes.
😄 😄 😄
You are my Soil-mate!
😄 😄 😄
What did the painter say to her boyfriend?
“I love you with all my art!”
😄 😄 😄
How did the telephone boyfriend propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring.
😄 😄 😄
I’m not buying this sweater.
It’s made of ex-boyfriend material.
😄 😄 😄
Your boyfriend doesn’t get your fruit puns?
You got to let that mango.
😄 😄 😄
My boyfriend came over today and stole my milk.
How dairy.
😄 😄 😄
You make me hap-pea.
😄 😄 😄
What did one boat say to the other boat?
Are you interested in a little row-mance?
😄 😄 😄
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought, “The streets are strangely desserted tonight.”
😄 😄 😄
Do you want to get a sundae?
No, thanks, it’s only Thursday.
😄 😄 😄
How do astronauts eat their ice creams?
In floats.
😄 😄 😄
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet but then my browser froze.
😄 😄 😄
A day without ice cream is practically un-cone-stitutional.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the ice cream truck break down?
Because of the rocky road.
😄 😄 😄
Took my girlfriend to the ice cream factory and she fell into the Gelato machine.
She’s a sore babe now.
😄 😄 😄
Why do British ice cream cones carry an umbrella?
There’s always a chance of sprinkles.
😄 😄 😄
How do you describe Neapolitan ice cream to someone?
Your two favorite flavors plus strawberry.
😄 😄 😄
What giant dog is made of strawberry, vanilla and chocolate ice cream?
A Neapolitan Mastiff.
😄 😄 😄
My small friend always argues that vanilla, chocolate and strawberry are the three best ice cream flavors.
I think he has a Neapolitan complex.
😄 😄 😄
What is a monster’s favorite part of a birthday celebration?
I scream.
😄 😄 😄
Where do kids get ice cream cakes on their birthdays?
At sundae school.
😄 😄 😄
What did the snowman say to the birthday girl?
Have an ice day!
😄 😄 😄
Hey shorty, it’s sherbet day!
😄 😄 😄
What do you get from an Alaskan cow?
Ice cream.
😄 😄 😄
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream?
What’s the scoop?
😄 😄 😄
How did Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.
😄 😄 😄
How do you make the ice cream more expensive?
Just put it in the fridge longer. It will turn into a Cold Stone.
😄 😄 😄
I sold a thousand CDs but only made enough money to buy one ice cream.
Probably because each CD was Milli Vanilli.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the private who could shit ice cream?
He deserted his post.
😄 😄 😄
Have you ever seen something so attractive and so hot that it makes you melt like ice cream when you see try to get close to it?
I haven’t. I think I’m seeing stars.
😄 😄 😄
An ice cream, a creme brulee, and a slice of cheesecake joined the army, but they abandoned their fellow soldiers on their first deployment.
They are wanted for dessertion.
😄 😄 😄
I was offered a job at the local ice cream shop, but I turned it down.
I don’t like working on sundaes.
😄 😄 😄
Ice Cream gets tested positive for Covid in China.
I hope they’ve put it straight into iceolation.
😄 😄 😄
Where does Goku keep his ice cream?
In the Freiza.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the motto of an ice cream shop in paradise?
Heaven ice day!
😄 😄 😄
What did Ernie say when Bert asked if he wanted ice cream?
“Sure, Bert.”
😄 😄 😄
I have a lactose intolerant friend who sells ice cream for a living.
He can’t take it, but he can dish it out.
😄 😄 😄
I’m a clown... and everyone nose.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man with no body and no nose?
Nobody nose.
😄 😄 😄
Me and my buddy were going to go pro, but we couldn’t play because we had sinus problems... No one would sign us up.
😄 😄 😄
Yesterday I went to the doctor with a sinus infection.
But he told me it was all in my head.
😄 😄 😄
I used to have a problem with my sinuses.
Until I bought a calculator.
😄 😄 😄
“Man, my sinuses are on fire!”
“An allergy?”
“No, a metaphor.”
😄 😄 😄
Remember:
It’s impolite to ask people questions about their sinuses because that’s their personal business.
Don’t be nosy.
😄 😄 😄
My wife has a sinus condition that suppresses her ability to detect odors.
But she gets offended when I tell people that she doesn’t smell good.
😄 😄 😄
The insects that smell the best are deodor-ants.
😄 😄 😄
My brother wanted a dinosaur as a gift for his birthday.
Then I told him, “They’re all extinct.”
Hearing that, he said, “No, I don’t want a stinky dinosaur.”
😄 😄 😄
My 2 year old sister’s stinky feet were smelling like cheese.
My dad was wondering what happened, so I told him that she had chee-toes.
😄 😄 😄
Light can be measured, and so can sound.
Smell can also be measured, by scentimeters.
😄 😄 😄
My mom’s sister is good at cleaning stuff, especially any stinky laundry.
We call her a deodor-aunt.
😄 😄 😄
There was a company that sent people to everyone’s homes and claimed that they could track you from your smell.
But they couldn’t do that without your con-scent.
😄 😄 😄
There was a bad smell coming from a dumpster.
So, my mother made my sister burn some spices to cover it.
She used pap-reek-her.
😄 😄 😄
There’s a reason our nose is in the middle of our face.
It’s because that’s the scenter.
😄 😄 😄
I once saw a hippo that had a sinus infection.
I named it “The heaposnotamus”.
😄 😄 😄
The punctuation that smells the best is semi-cologne.
😄 😄 😄
One day at football practice, the nose was sad.
It was probably because he didn’t get picked.
😄 😄 😄
I decided to make a witty perfume.
My colleague said the most important component should be the scents of humor.
😄 😄 😄
This Halloween, Gucci sold out all of their $500 scented candles.
Some people seem to have so many dollars but not enough scents.
😄 😄 😄
I accidentally sprayed some deodorant in my mouth today.
Now whenever I’m talking, this weird axe-scent is coming out.
😄 😄 😄
People always pick their noses, but I never did.
I have always liked the one nose that I was born with.
😄 😄 😄
I don’t like people who do not cover their mouths and noses when they sneeze.
These people make me sick.
😄 😄 😄
I bought a gold-scented candle and burned it.
It had a very rich aroma.
😄 😄 😄
I went to travel to the meadow where I always used to play when I was a child.
There were familiar scents all over.
It was very nose-talgic.
😄 😄 😄
At first, I really hated the large pimple on my nose.
But it’s grown on me.
😄 😄 😄
When is it acceptable for a nose to be in a salad?
When it’s a snowman’s nose!
😄 😄 😄
I lost my watch at a party once.
An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party.
Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.
“No one does that to a woman, not on my watch!”
😄 😄 😄
Why can’t your nose be 14 inches long?
Because then it would be a foot!
😄 😄 😄
What’s the best thing about having a big nose?
You’re the first to know when dinner’s ready!
😄 😄 😄
Why could the pony proceed at a great speed?
Because the pony had a powerful horsepower engine.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the best way to make a million dollars in horse racing?
Start with 2 million.
😄 😄 😄
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it’s neck and neck.
😄 😄 😄
My wife and kids are leaving me because of my obsession with horse racing.
And they’re off!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the guy eat a poisonous mushroom?
He thought that any morel would do.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the mushroom never have a lot of money?
Because he was just too spore.
😄 😄 😄
What does the mushroom say to his lover?
“I have so mush-room in my heart for you, baby!”
😄 😄 😄
The reason the girl hated mushrooms is because they were too mushy.
😄 😄 😄
During the contribution’s session, the mushroom family never gave a lot. They were just two spore.
😄 😄 😄
When darkness sets in, fungi much like many other organisms go to sleep, but in mush-rooms.
😄 😄 😄
At the party, the vegetarian girl won’t eat the mushrooms reason being, somebody told her that they were oyster mushrooms.
😄 😄 😄
I have so mush-room in my heart for you.
😄 😄 😄
How do you wish a mushroom a happy birthday?
Happy birthday to a real fungi!
😄 😄 😄
Who would be the best food to hang out with, a strawberry, a banana or a mushroom?
A mushroom of course, because he’s a fun-gi.
😄 😄 😄
He may have been a fun-gi, but he sure did have questionable morels.
😄 😄 😄
Unfortunately, many mushroom puns are in spore taste.
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I didn’t always like mushrooms, but they’ve finally started to grow on me.
😄 😄 😄
Why doesn’t the word “mushroom” make a good computer password?
It’s not stroganoff.
😄 😄 😄
When do mushrooms retire?
When they get too mold.
😄 😄 😄
Why couldn’t the mushroom get into the club?
He wasn’t mold enough.
😄 😄 😄
Which vegetables go best with jacket potatoes?
Button Mushrooms.
😄 😄 😄
I went to the mycologists’ convention, but there was too much shii-take.
😄 😄 😄
What room has no doors, walls, or floor?
A mushroom.
😄 😄 😄
Our local woods are full of mushrooms right now.
I’m always tripping on them.
😄 😄 😄
I started growing fungi in my garden, but failed miserably.
I guess there is mush-room for improvement.
😄 😄 😄
Why do Toadstools grow so close together?
They don’t need Mush-room.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a picture of a mushroom with no arms, legs or head?
A stalk photo.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there’s no mush-room.
😄 😄 😄
What happened to the fungi who moved into a New York apartment?
He didn’t have mush-room.
😄 😄 😄
Two leprechauns are in the forest and one starts eating mushrooms, so the other one says to him, “Are you having fun, Gus?”
😄 😄 😄
A mushroom walks up to a tomato and asks him out on a date.
As the evening wears on, the tomato is just sitting there, not saying much and looking miserable.
“What’s wrong?” the mushroom says. “Aren’t you enjoying yourself?”
“I guess I’m just not a fun-gi,” says the tomato.
😄 😄 😄
Personally, I think you should start the day off with a meal of French mushrooms... breakfast of champignons.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of vehicle does a mushroom drive?
A spores car!
😄 😄 😄
Why did the fungi leave the party?
There wasn’t mush-room for dancing.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the only room in your house you can’t go into?
A mushroom.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the world’s biggest mushroom competition?
The champignon’s league.
😄 😄 😄
How much room does a fungi need to grow?
As mush-room as possible.
😄 😄 😄
What did the mushroom say as he fell off a cliff?
“Help! I’m in truffle!”
😄 😄 😄
What do you get if a frog eats a mushroom?
A toadstool.
😄 😄 😄
What sort of room can you eat?
A mushroom.
😄 😄 😄
Why does the fungus always win the argument?
Because they don’t leave mush-rooms for debate.
😄 😄 😄
What did the teacher say about the student’s attempt at making pizza?
There’s so mush-room for improvement.
😄 😄 😄
Why does Mario prefer to hang out with Toad more than Luigi?
Because he’s a fun-gi.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a mushroom that has nothing nice to say?
A shii-talkin mushroom.
😄 😄 😄
What does a mushroom sit on?
A toadstool.
😄 😄 😄
Why are mushroom children so good?
They don’t want to get in truffle.
😄 😄 😄
What room can no one enter?
A Mushroom.
😄 😄 😄
What happens when one fungi marries another fungi?
They become fungus!
😄 😄 😄
I had this long fungi joke, but I don’t have enough shroom to type it.
😄 😄 😄
What type of mushrooms are the worst to have as friends?
Shii-talkin!
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between stormtroopers having a party and mushrooms being picked?
One’s bad guys having a fun time and the other one’s fungi having a bad time!
😄 😄 😄
I tried to post my opinion on mushrooms.
But it was a shii-take!
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the mushroom hunter who was terrible at finding edible mushrooms, so would resort to stealing them from the baskets of other hunters?
He had no morel compass.
😄 😄 😄
Mushrooms are the most virtuous of fungi...
they have the best morels.
😄 😄 😄
Why is it not worth it to hunt for mushrooms?
It’s too much truffle.
😄 😄 😄
Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.
I said, “You’re brilliant, what’s the band called?”
They replied, “We are the Champignons, my friend.”
😄 😄 😄
I met this dude once who was really into mushrooms.
He was a real fun-gi.
😄 😄 😄
Why are mushrooms popular at parties?
Because everyone loves a fun-gi.
😄 😄 😄
Make sure to always be careful when eating mushrooms.
If you eat the wrong one you could be in truffle.
😄 😄 😄
Fourteen mushrooms were sitting at a lunch table. One more asked to join.
One of them said, “Sorry there is not mush-room.”
😄 😄 😄
So a mushroom walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve mushrooms here. You’re always ruining jokes.”
The mushroom says, “Come on. I’m a fun-gi.”
😄 😄 😄
My friend had mushrooms during the party.
Now he’s a fun-gi.
😄 😄 😄
Scientists say they may be able to synthesize a completely clean biofuel using the enzymes in finely shredded fungi, such as mushrooms...
Some critics have questioned the ethics of the process, but admit they are comforted by the researchers’ strong morel fiber.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when a giant steps on a house?
Mush-rooms.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a lady who enjoys mushrooms?
A fun-gal.
😄 😄 😄
“You know, I think it’s your turn to pick wild mushrooms.” My girlfriend said.
So I gather.
😄 😄 😄
Why do fungi have to pay extra on the bus?
Because they take up too mush-room.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the mushroom have to leave her home?
It was growing toxic by the day.
😄 😄 😄
What does a polite mushroom say?
“Thank you very mush!”
😄 😄 😄
What did the fungi say when he was offered seconds at dinner?
“No thanks. I don’t have mush-room left in my stomach.”
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys drinks for everyone all night long?
Fun-gi to be around!
😄 😄 😄
Why does the mushroom always get invited to birthday parties?
He’s a fun-gi.
😄 😄 😄
Two mushrooms were talking about politics.
One mushroom said, “I think that women shouldn’t be allowed to vote.”
The other said, “That’s a shiitake.”
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t mushrooms always get along?
They like to shii-take others.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of food says mean things about you behind your back?
Shiitake mushrooms.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of mushroom gets beat up the most?
A shiitake mushroom.
😄 😄 😄
I’ve been superglued mushrooms all over my body.
My wife says it’s not right, but I’m sticking to my morels.
😄 😄 😄
I can’t stop my mushroom from leaning.
I think I need some morel support.
😄 😄 😄
Most of my group wanted to go mushroom hunting.
I call them the morel majority.
😄 😄 😄
There was a mushroom on the first floor of my house.
Morel of the storey.
😄 😄 😄
I don’t trust people who don’t like mushrooms.
Clearly, they are of low morel fiber.
😄 😄 😄
Why are books about mushrooms so confusing?
They have too many different morels.
😄 😄 😄
A man was deathly allergic to mushrooms.
After a huge fight, his wife cooked a mushroom into his dinner. He ate it and died.
The morel of the story... killed him.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?
Thoroughbred.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the DJ get disqualified from the 400m sprint?
He kept changing tracks.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between praying in church and at the track?
At the track you really mean it!
😄 😄 😄
I bet on a great horse yesterday!
It took seven horses to beat him.
😄 😄 😄
Which type of cheese do racehorses like best?
Masc-a-pony.
😄 😄 😄
How can you tell a police horse from a normal horse?
The police horse goes “Neigh-naw-neigh-naw-neigh-naw”.
😄 😄 😄
I put a bet on a horse that had excellent breeding.
After the horse left the starting gate, he stopped and closed it behind him.
😄 😄 😄
I put a bet on a horse to come in at 10 to 1 and it did!
Unfortunately all the others came in at 12.30.
😄 😄 😄
My racehorse’s name is Mayo. Sometimes, Mayo neighs.
😄 😄 😄
I keep trying to get into horse racing, but they’re too fast for me.
😄 😄 😄
What do you give a dog with a fever?
Mustard because it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a pharmacist working at a veterinary drug company?
A FARM-ASSIST.
😄 😄 😄
How many pharmacists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, every six hours for the next ten days.
😄 😄 😄
What happened to the guy who accidentally made his morning coffee with some Red Bull instead of water?
He got halfway to his work before realizing he had forgotten his car.
😄 😄 😄
What would you call the alarm clock, which always goes off at 2 am every day?
A ringing nightmare.
😄 😄 😄
Why should you be quiet inside a pharmacy?
You might wake the sleeping pills.
😄 😄 😄
Patient: “Doctor, doctor! I’ve swallowed my money!”
Doctor: “Take this, and we’ll see if there’s any change in the morning.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the elf put his bed in the fireplace?
Because he wanted to sleep like a log.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call it when an elf takes a photo of himself?
Nothing! Elves don’t exist!
😄 😄 😄
I have decided to pursue my dreams... good night!
😄 😄 😄
I tried to pay my taxes to the IRS with a smile.
Turns out they prefer money.
😄 😄 😄
Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle?
So that it’ll fit inside the box.
😄 😄 😄
Archaeologists have uncovered a mummy in Egypt covered in nuts and chocolate.
They believe it’s Pharaoh Roche.
😄 😄 😄
What is green and dangerous?
A thundering herd of pickles!
😄 😄 😄
They brought the hot dog in for questioning.
He gave the... wurst... answers.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the worst thing that can happen on a Friday?
When you realize it’s Thursday.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call people who were born on Friday the 13th?
By their names.
😄 😄 😄
Where can you get 100% off on everything on Black Friday?
At home by not going out.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long, sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.
😄 😄 😄
Yeah, I like NFTs...
Nachos,
Fajitas &
Tacos.
😄 😄 😄
Last night I made fish tacos.
They looked at them and just swam away.
😄 😄 😄
Today I made a big pot of pasta,
but when I went to dump the pot into the sink, I think I strained something.
😄 😄 😄
My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with pasta.
I’m feeling canneloni right now.
😄 😄 😄
I tried to call Spider-Man, but he was busy browsing in the web.
😄 😄 😄
Co-worker asked me, “If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has superpowers, who would be the winners?”
Your Parents when you move out.
😄 😄 😄
My girlfriend said I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to Batman.
What a Joker.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t retirees mind being called seniors?
The term comes with a 10 percent discount.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the healthiest part of a donut?
The middle.
😄 😄 😄
What has 8 legs, 8 arms, and 8 eyes?
8 pirates.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a pirate with both eyes and all his limbs?
A rookie.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the mushroom break up with her boyfriend?
Because he was toxic!
😄 😄 😄
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm?
Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.
😄 😄 😄
How many people can you fit in one Honda?
Well, the Bible said that all 12 disciples were in one Accord.
😄 😄 😄
What did parmesan say when it broke up with mozzarella?
“I’m sorry, I’m too mature for you.”
😄 😄 😄
What can a whole pizza do that a half pizza cannot do?
A whole one can look round.
😄 😄 😄
To whoever stole my Microsoft Office:
I’m coming after you. You have my Word!
😄 😄 😄
What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?
To brie.. or not to brie...
😄 😄 😄
How did the teacher find out that Shohag copied Danika’s exam paper?
Because when Danika said “I don’t know”, Shohag said “Me neither”.
😄 😄 😄
When a teacher closes his eyes, why should it remind him of an empty classroom?
Because there are no pupils to see!
😄 😄 😄
Why do SEOs love the farmers market?
Lots of organic content!
😄 😄 😄
What does CPA stand for?
Can’t Pass Again.
😄 😄 😄
What is the definition of an accountant?
Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you don’t understand.
😄 😄 😄
What happens after you have a beautiful girlfriend, a million-dollar car, 100 million in your bank account, several houses and a fit body?
You wake up.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary?
Get married on his birthday!
😄 😄 😄
My friend was telling me about a wedding he is going to next year.
He said he’ll be wearing the same kilt as the groom.
I love the idea, but I’m really not sure how they’re both going to fit into it.
😄 😄 😄
On my tombstone, please write “Not appreciating my puns was a grave mistake.”
😄 😄 😄
I said to my wife, “Did you hear my last pun?”
She replied, “I hope so!”
😄 😄 😄
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asked him, “Why the long face?”
😄 😄 😄
What would happen if you took the school bus home?
The police would make you bring it back!
😄 😄 😄
Who should be your best friend at school?
Your princi-pal!
😄 😄 😄
Why did Johnny take a ruler to bed?
Because he wanted to see how long he slept!
😄 😄 😄
What do you do when no one laughs at your science jokes?
Keep trying until you get a reaction.
😄 😄 😄
My teacher always tells me to follow my dreams, but she won’t let me sleep in class.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between a teacher and a train?
The teacher says “Spit your gum out!” and the train says “Chew, chew!”
😄 😄 😄
I complained to my math teacher that it was too cold in the classroom.
He told me to stand in the corner. Because the corner is 90 degrees.
😄 😄 😄
Never fight a math teacher. You’ll always be outnumbered.
😄 😄 😄
Why don’t Romans find algebra interesting?
X is always 10.
😄 😄 😄
Why is the internet like a motor racing crash?
There are spoilers everywhere.
😄 😄 😄
Why can’t tomatoes win races against lettuce?
Because the lettuce are always a head, and the tomatoes are always trying to ketchup.
😄 😄 😄
Why did a dog enter the church in the middle of a religious mass?
Because he was a German shepherd.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lilly.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a man who has cat scratches all over his face?
Claude.
😄 😄 😄
Guess why football stadiums are so cool?
Most seats have a fan on them!
😄 😄 😄
What is the longest word in the English language?
“Smiles”. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.
😄 😄 😄
If you ever get cold, just stand in the corner of a room for a while.
They’re normally around 90 degrees.
😄 😄 😄
Why was the Easter egg so scared of his father?
His father was hard-boiled.
😄 😄 😄
Why do anteaters never get colds?
Because their noses are full of anty-bodies!
😄 😄 😄
What does the sun drink out of?
Sun-glasses.
😄 😄 😄
How much is the moon worth?
One dollar, because it has four quarters.
😄 😄 😄
What dance do all astronauts know?
The moonwalk.
😄 😄 😄
Why does nobody trust the man on the moon?
He has a dark side.
😄 😄 😄
Why did Ms. Moon split up with Mr. Sun?
He never wanted to go out with her at night.
😄 😄 😄
Which is older, the moon or the sun?
The moon, because it can stay out all night.
😄 😄 😄
I don't believe in aliens... they lie too much.
😄 😄 😄
What is an alien’s favorite place on a computer?
The space bar.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a Ford Fiesta that ran out of gas?
A Ford Siesta.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the music teacher go up the ladder during music class?
To reach the high notes.
😄 😄 😄
Why is a piano so hard to open?
Because the keys are on the inside.
😄 😄 😄
What did 0 say to 8?
Nice belt!
😄 😄 😄
How can you tell if an ant is a boy or a girl?
They’re all girls! If they were boys, they’d be uncles.
😄 😄 😄
What kind of exercise do lazy people do?
Diddly-squats.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle?
A tire.
😄 😄 😄
What’s the best thing to put into a pie?
Your teeth!
😄 😄 😄
Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
Because if they flew over the bay they would be bagels.
😄 😄 😄
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a sleeping bull?
A bulldozer.
😄 😄 😄
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it costs 2.50. You want to know why?
Inflation.
😄 😄 😄
What would the Terminator be called in his retirement?
The Exterminator.
😄 😄 😄
Why is the moon constantly moody?
She’s just going through a phase.
😄 😄 😄
What insect comes from the moon?
A luna tick!
😄 😄 😄
What is the first day of the week called in outer space?
Moon-day!
😄 😄 😄
Why are ghosts terrible liars?
You can see right through them!
😄 😄 😄
I can’t take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure-bread dog.
😄 😄 😄
Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?
It had great food, but no atmosphere.
😄 😄 😄
Which king liked to do things on his own?
Solo-mon.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the cat like eating lemons?
Because he was a sourpuss.
😄 😄 😄
How does the German baker greet his customers?
Gluten Morgen!
😄 😄 😄
Why are colds bad criminals?
Because they’re easy to catch.
😄 😄 😄
