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Enjoy our team's carefully selected Puns. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



What type of mushrooms are the worst to have as friends?

Shiitalkin!

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What’s the difference between stormtroopers having a party and mushrooms being picked?

One’s bad guys having a fun time and the other one’s fungi having a bad time!

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Why is it not worth it to hunt for mushrooms?

It’s too much truffle.

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Why are mushrooms popular at parties?

Because everyone loves a fun guy.

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Fourteen mushrooms were sitting at a lunch table.

One more asked to join.

One of them said, β€œSorry there is not mush-room.”

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What do you get when a giant steps on a house?

Mush-rooms.

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What do you call a lady who enjoys mushrooms?

A fun-gal.

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Why do fungi have to pay extra on the bus? Because they take up too mush room.

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Why did the mushroom have to leave her home?

It was growing toxic by the day.

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Where do mushrooms hang out on Saturday night?

The salad bar.

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What does a polite mushroom say?

β€œThank you very mush!”

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What did the fungi say when he was offered seconds at dinner?

β€œNo thanks. I don’t have mush-room left in my stomach.”

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What do you call a mushroom that goes into a bar and buys drinks for everyone all night long?

Fungi to be around!

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Why don’t mushrooms always get along?

They like to shiitake other.

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What kind of food says mean things about you behind your back?

Shiitake mushrooms.

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What kind of mushroom gets beat up the most?

A shiitake mushroom.

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Why did the Japanese guy get mad and kick the mushroom?

He was sick of all its shiitake.

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I’ve been superglued mushrooms all over my body.

My wife says it’s not right, but I’m sticking to my morels.

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I can’t stop my mushroom from leaning.

I think I need some morel support.

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Most of my group wanted to go mushroom hunting.

I call them the morel majority.

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There was a mushroom on the first floor of my house.

Morel of the storey.

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I don’t trust people who don’t like mushrooms.

Clearly they are of low Morel fiber.

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Why are books about mushrooms so confusing?

They have too many different morels.

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What kind of bread does a racehorse eat?

Thoroughbred.

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Did you hear what happened at the racetrack yesterday?

One horse was so slow, they had to pay the jockey overtime.

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Why did the DJ get disqualified from the 400m sprint?

He kept changing tracks.

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Why is Donald Trump so good at the racetrack?

He’s a stable genius.

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You know why barrel racers need to be cremated?

Because if you bury them they’ll bitch about the dirt.

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What’s the difference between praying in church and at the track?

At the track you really mean it!

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Which side of a racehorse has more hair?

The outside.

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What sort of racehorses come out after dark?

Night-mares.

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Which type of cheese do racehorses like best?

Masc-a-pony.

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How can you tell a police horse from a normal horse?

The police horse goes β€œNeigh-naw-neigh-naw-neigh-naw”.

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Whats the Jewish version of Elf on a Shelf?

β€œMensch on a bench”.

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What is green, white, and red all over?

An elf with a sunburn.

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How do you know it’s time to retire?

It’s when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it!

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How many pharmacists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, every six hours for the next ten days.

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What happened to the guy who accidentally made his morning coffee with some Red Bull instead of water?

He got halfway to his work before realizing he had forgotten his car.

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How did Garfield stop the rooster from waking him on Monday morning?

He ate him on Sunday night!

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What would you call the alarm clock, which always goes off at 2 am every day?

A ringing nightmare.

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Why should you be quiet inside a pharmacy?

You might wake the sleeping pills.

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Why did the elf put his bed in the fireplace?

Because he wanted to sleep like a log.

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What do you call it when an elf takes a photo of himself?

Nothing! Elves don’t exist!

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An honest lawyer, a happy santa and a merry elf find 100 $ how do they split it!

50 dollars to santa, 50 dollars to the elf, because there is no such thing as an honest lawyer!

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Why is the Toblerone chocolate shaped like a triangle?

So that it’ll fit inside the box.

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What is green and dangerous?

A thundering herd of pickles!

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What’s black and white and green in the middle?

Two zebras, fighting over a pickle.

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What’s the worst thing that can happen on a Friday?

When you realize it’s Thursday.

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What do you call people who were born on Friday the 13th?

By their names.

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Where can you get 100% off on everything on Black Friday?

At home by not going out.

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What’s the difference between love and marriage?

Love is one long, sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.

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What’s green and hangs from trees?

Giraffe snot.

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What do you get when you cross a giraffe with a hedgehog?

A six-foot toothbrush.

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What’s brown and very bad for your dental health?

A baseball bat.

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How did the blonde die at the baseball game?

She drowned during the wave.

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Why don’t orphans play baseball?

They don’t know where home is.

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What does a baseball player do when he loses his eyesight?

Become an umpire.

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Co-worker asked me, β€œIf Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?”

Your Parents when you move out.

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Why did Batman break up with Catwoman?

He didn’t like getting hair balls.

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Why don’t retirees mind being called seniors?

The term comes with a 10 percent discount.

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What’s the best thing to put in a donut?

Your teeth.

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What’s the healthiest part of a donut?

The middle.

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If Johnny buys seventeen donuts every Monday and eats twelve of them each Wednesday, what is Johnny left with at the end of the year?

Diabetes.

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What has 8 legs, 8 arms, and 8 eyes?

8 pirates.

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What do you call a pirate with both eyes and all his limbs?

A rookie.

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Where can you find a pirate who has lost his wooden legs?

Right where ye left him!

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What does a man who’s had a vasectomy and a Christmas tree have in common?

Decorative balls.

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What is blue and lies under a mushroom?

Smurf poop.

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Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm?

Because the potatoes have eyes, the corn has ears, and the beans stalk.

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Why don’t blondes eat bananas?

They can’t find the zipper.

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Why did two women walk into a saloon pointing bananas at people and shouting, β€œGIVE US YER LOOT!”

They were both blonds.

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What can a whole pizza do that a half pizza cannot do?

A whole one can look round.

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What do your boss and a slinky have in common?

They’re both fun to watch tumble down the stairs.

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What did Shakespeare say as he was making a cheese plate?

To brie.. or not to brie...

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How did the teacher find out that Shohag copied Danika’s exam paper?

Because when Danika said β€œI don’t know”, Shohag said β€œMe neither”.

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Why is it impossible for students to sleep 8 hours every day?

Because school is only 6 hours a day!

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Why did the student eat his homework?

Because he didn’t have a dog.

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What’s the best way to make a small fortune in the stock market?

Start off with a big fortune!

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Why do SEO’s love the farmers market?

Lots of organic content!

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How do we know the IRS likes poor people?

Because they appear to create so many of them.

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Ever wonder why it’s called a Form 1040?

For every $50 you earn, you get $10 and they get $40.

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What does CPA stand for?

Can’t Pass Again.

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What do accountants suffer from that ordinary people don’t?

Depreciation.

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What do you call a financial controller who always works through lunch, takes two days holiday every two years, is in the office every weekend, and leaves every night after 10 p.m.?

Lazy.

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What is the definition of an accountant?

Someone who solves a problem you did not know you had in a way you don’t understand.

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What happens after you have a beautiful girlfriend, a million dollar car, 100 million in your bank account, several houses and a fit body?

You wake up.

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What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary?

Get married on his birthday!

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Why do women like men with beards?

Because they immediately see something that they can change!

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Why don’t men with beards need a vacuum?

Because they already have a crumb catcher on their faces.

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On my tombstone, please write β€œNot appreciating my puns was a grave mistake.”

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I said to my wife, β€œDid you hear my last pun?”

She replied, β€œI hope so!”

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Why did Johnny take a ruler to bed?

Because he wanted to see how long he slept!

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What do you do when no one laughs at your science jokes?

Keep trying until you get a reaction.

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Why did the boy eat his homework?

Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake.

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Why don’t fish like playing basketball?

They are terrified of nets.

​

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Why don’t Romans find algebra interesting?

X is always 10.

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How do you make a small fortune out of horses?

Start with a large fortune.

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Why did the owner name his racehorse β€œBad News”?

Because bad news travels fast.

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What is one of the major advantages of being a bald person?

No matter what happens they can never be to blame for hair on the food!

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What do you call a guy who falls overboard and can’t swim?

Bob.

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What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?

Lilly.

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What do you call a man who stamps letters at the post office for a living?

Frank.

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What do you call a man who has cat scratches all over his face?

Claude.

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What do you call a man who fixes potholes for a living?

Phil.

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What do you call a lady who is hanging from a roof?

Eve.

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What do you call a man who is always sitting on the toilet?

Lou.

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What do you call a man who is unable to stand up?

Neal.

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What do you call a guy who keeps vomiting?

Chuck.

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What do you call a man who is always stealing stuff?

Rob.

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Guess why football stadiums are so cool?

Most seats have a fan on them!

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Guess what number of pessimists it takes to screw in a light bulb?

None – they gave up.

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Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?

You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

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What is the longest word in the English language?

β€œSmiles”. Because there is a mile between its first and last letters.

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Why do we paint Easter eggs?

Because it’s easier than trying to wallpaper them!

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Why was the man with the big nose sad?

He could really smell his feet!

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What’s the worst thing about having a big nose?

Birds are always perching on it!

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Why do anteater’s never get colds?

Because their noses are full of anty-bodies!

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What’s worse than having a big nose?

Having a big nose and tiny hands!

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How much is the moon worth?

One dollar, because it has four quarters.

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What dance do all astronauts know?

The moonwalk.

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Why does nobody trust the man on the moon?

He has a dark side.

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Why did Ms. Moon split up with Mr. Sun?

He never wanted to go out with her at night.

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Which is older, the moon or the sun?

The moon, because it can stay out all night.

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Why do aliens not like visiting earth very often?

Because it is rated only one star.

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Why did the Jews wander in the desert for 40 years?

Somebody dropped a shekel!

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Why are synagogues round?

So the Jew’s can’t hide in the corner when the collection box comes round.

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Why do Jews wear yarmulkes?

Because the hats with little propellers cost extra!

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How does every racist joke start?

By looking over your shoulder!

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What’s the difference between an orchestra and a bull?

On the bull the horns are in the front and the asshole is in the back.

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What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt!

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Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menuβ€”you get what you deserve.

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What do you call a bear with no teeth?

Gummybear.

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What’s the difference between a poorly dressed man on a bicycle and a nicely dressed man on a tricycle?

A tire.

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Why are hockey players like goldfish?

You could tap on the glass and you’d get their attention.

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Why does a pitcher raise one leg when he throws the ball?

If he raises them both, he’d fall down.

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What do you have against some people?

Well… for example: knives, sticks, daggers, submachine guns, grenades…

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What’s the best thing to put into a pie?

Your teeth!

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Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?

To get another rib.

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What happens to pigs when they stay in the sun too long?

Turn into bacon.

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What do you call a sleeping bull?

A bulldozer.

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What do you call a pig that does karate?

A pork chop.

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How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. The narcissist holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.

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Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?

He wanted to go where no man had gone before.

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Why is the moon constantly moody?

She’s just going through a phase.

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What insect comes from the moon?

A Luna Tick!

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What is the first day of the week called in outer space?

Moon-day!

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What do you call a witch’s garage?

A broom closet.

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When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?

When you’re a mouse.

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Why don’t mummies have friends?

Because they’re too wrapped up in themselves.

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Where should a 500 pound alien go?

On a diet.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Did you hear about the first restaurant to open on the moon?

It had great food, but no atmosphere.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Who is never hungry at Christmas?

The turkeyβ€”he’s always stuffed.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Why does the programmer think the Grinch’s attitude isn’t bad?

He says it’s in beta.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What goes β€œOh, Oh, Oh”?

Santa walking backwards!

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Why didn’t Noah ever go fishing?

He only had two worms.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.

The barman says, β€œWho’s first?”

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Why did the cat like eating lemons?

Because he was a sourpuss.

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Why are cats better than babies?

Because you only have to change a litter box once a day.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What does a cat have that no other animal has?

Kittens.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Why do cats always win video games?

Because they have nine lives!

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Why don’t blondes call 911 when they are in an emergency?

Because they can’t find number eleven on their phone.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


How do you drown a blonde?

Remind her that life is inane, repetitive, and intrinsically meaningless.

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How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?

You tell her a joke on Wednesday.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Why do golfers prefer a birthday donut over a birthday cake?

Because there is a hole in one.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Why do some people get heartburn every time they eat a birthday cake?

They always forget to take off the candles.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


How does the German baker greet his customers?

Gluten Morgen!

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?

Oops!

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


There are three types of people in the world:

Those who can count and those who can’t.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Why don’t dogs make good dancers?

Because they have two left feet.

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„


Why do gorillas have big nostrils?

Because they have big fingers!

πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„ πŸ˜„





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