Jokes With Punchlines



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Punchline Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Punchline Jokes


The child was a typical four-year-old girlโ€”cute, inquisitive, and bright as a new penny.

When she expressed difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help.

One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc.

โ€œNow do you understand?โ€ he asked.

โ€œI think so,โ€ she said. โ€œThat was when Mommy came to work for us?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A Muslim man told his wife that she needed to start embracing her mistakes.

So she gave him a hug.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A salesman returns from his assignment in Saudi Arabia, where he went to sell them a new brand of Coca-Cola.

Seeing his crestfallen face, a friend asks him, โ€œWhy the long face?โ€

The salesman replied, โ€œI failed in Saudi Arabia. The campaign was a total failure.โ€

โ€œWhy is that?โ€ asked the friend. โ€œI thought you had a good campaign running.โ€

โ€œWell, when I got posted there, I was very confident that I would make a great sales pitch to the Saudis. But I had a problemโ€”I didnโ€™t speak Arabic, so I planned to convey the meaning of the message with the use of three images:

First poster: A man lying in the hot desert sand in utter exhaustion; he has fainted.

Second poster: The man is drinking the new Coca-Cola brand.

Third poster: Our man is now totally refreshed and feeling great.

I had these posters pasted all over the place. You couldnโ€™t go anywhere without seeing them.โ€

โ€œTerrific! That should have worked!โ€ said the friend.

โ€œIt should have,โ€ sighed the salesman. โ€œOnly no one told me they read from right to leftโ€ฆโ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two Americans were walking in the Arabian desert one morning when they came across a mosque.

They hadnโ€™t had food or water for days and thought maybe the people in the mosque would give them some.

โ€œOk, Joe, we will tell these people we are Muslims, and maybe they will give us some food and something to drink. Youโ€™ll be Hassan, and Iโ€™ll be Muhammed,โ€ said Roger.

โ€œNo way, man. Iโ€™m not going to say that, even if they wonโ€™t give us anything to drink,โ€ replied Joe.

They go up and knock on the door.

A Muslim man with a smile on his face answers the door, โ€œYes, how may I help you?โ€

โ€œHello, Iโ€™m Muhammed and this is Joe. We were wondering if we could have something to eat and drink,โ€ asked Roger.

โ€œWhy, of course! Joe, we will bring you some food, and for you, Muhammed, it is Ramadan and we wonโ€™t be breaking our fast until sundown.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Saw a homeless man eating a tin of baked beans and I thought it was really sad.

So I walked over to him and said, โ€œI think youโ€™re supposed to open that first.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Science is amazing. Some European scientists made a breakthrough and invented an Anti-Thieves Machine. It detects and catches thieves in the streets of various cities around the world with an accuracy of 99.9%!

Naturally, various countries were interested. Germany got 2 machines, France got 3, Greece got 4, Italy got 5, and Portugal, true to its showoff image, got 10.

After one hour, in Germany, 100 thieves were caught. In France, more than 250 thieves were caught. In Greece, more than 350 thieves were caught. In Italy, more than 500 thieves were caught. In Portugal, after 30 minutes, all the machines were stolen.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A rich Arab kid goes to Portugal to study, so his old man buys him a sports car to drive around.

A few days pass, and the father calls the son, โ€œHow's it going, son? Are you having fun with your car?โ€

โ€œNo, father. I am ashamed; everyone here gets around by train.โ€

โ€œDonโ€™t embarrass me, son. Buy yourself a train too.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two beggars were sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One had a Cross in front of him; the other one was holding the Star of David.

Many people went by, looked at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross.

The Pope came by. He stopped to watch the throngs of people giving money to the beggar who held the Cross while none gave to the beggar holding the Star of David. He felt sorry for him.

Finally, the Pope approached the beggar with the Star of David and said. โ€œMy poor fellow, donโ€™t you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism. People arenโ€™t going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when youโ€™re sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross. In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite!โ€

The beggar with the Star of David listened to the Pope, smiled, turned to the beggar with the Cross, and said. โ€œMoishe, would you look whoโ€™s trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


At St. Peterโ€™s Catholic Church, they have weekly husbandsโ€™ marriage seminars.

At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, โ€œWella, Iโ€™va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!โ€

The priest responded, โ€œGiuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?โ€

Giuseppe proudly replied, โ€œI gonna go picka her up.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


In class one day, Mr. Johnson pulled Johnny over to his desk after a test and said, โ€œJohnny, I have a feeling that you have been cheating on your tests.โ€

Johnny was astounded and asked Mr. Johnson to prove it.

โ€œWell,โ€ said Mr. Johnson, โ€œI was looking over your test and the question was, โ€˜Who was our first president?โ€™, and the little girl that sits next to you, Mary, put โ€˜George Washingtonโ€™, and so did you.โ€

โ€œSo, everyone knows that he was the first president,โ€ said Little Johnny with his eyes wide open.

โ€œJust wait a minute,โ€ said Mr. Johnson. โ€œThe next question was, โ€˜Who freed the slaves?โ€™. Mary put Abraham Lincoln and so did you.โ€

โ€œWell, I read the history book last night and I remembered that,โ€ said Johnny.

โ€œWait, wait,โ€ said Mr. Johnson. โ€œThe next question was, โ€˜Who was president during the Louisiana Purchase?โ€™. Mary put โ€˜I donโ€™t knowโ€™, and you put, โ€˜Me neitherโ€™.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A country doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out, there was no electricity.

When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5-year-old child.

The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.

The child complied, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the newborn baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

The doctor then asked the 5-year-old what he thought of the baby.

โ€œHit him again,โ€ the 5-year-old said. โ€œHe shouldnโ€™t have crawled up there in the first place!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


It was a regular day in first grade, and the teacher asked all the students to tell her something about what their parents do for a living.

Some kids knew and gave a good description, while others didnโ€™t really understand their parentsโ€™ jobs and gave vague descriptions or none at all.

When they got to Little Johnny, he stood up and said, โ€œMy dad cuts people in half.โ€

โ€œOh, really?โ€ asked the teacher with a smile, โ€œYou mean heโ€™s a magician?โ€

โ€œI donโ€™t know,โ€ said Johnny.

โ€œA surgeon, maybe?โ€ asked the teacher.

โ€œI donโ€™t know,โ€ repeated Johnny.

โ€œThen why do you think he cuts people in half?โ€ asked the confused teacher.

โ€œBecause I have two half brothers and three half sisters.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Little Johnnyโ€™s chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.

โ€œNow, class. Observe what happens to the two worms,โ€ said the professor, putting the first worm in the glass of water.

The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed.

He then dropped the second worm in the whiskey glass. It writhed for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died.

โ€œNow kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?โ€ he asked.

Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, โ€œDrink whiskey and you wonโ€™t get worms!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher of 14-year-olds.

On her first day, she comes to watch the kids playing soccer. She watches as they all get together and start playing.

However, she quickly notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.

โ€œAre you OK?โ€ she says kindly.

โ€œYes,โ€ he says.

โ€œYou can go and play with the other kids, you know,โ€ she says encouragingly.

โ€œItโ€™s best I stay here,โ€ he says.

โ€œWhyโ€™s that, sweetie?โ€ asks the compassionate teacher.

The boy gives her a weird look and says, โ€œBecause Iโ€™m the goalie.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A 6th-grade teacher posed the following problem to one of her arithmetic classes, โ€œA wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?โ€

After a very long silence in the classroom, one little boy raised his hand.

With complete sincerity in his voice, he answered, โ€œA lawyer!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The teacher asks Little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

โ€œYes,โ€ he says, โ€œmy daddy taught me.โ€

โ€œCan you tell me what comes after three?โ€

โ€œFour,โ€ answers Little Johnny.

โ€œWhat comes after six?โ€

โ€œSeven,โ€ answers Little Johnny.

โ€œVery good,โ€ says the teacher. โ€œYour father did a very fine job. What comes after ten?โ€

โ€œA jack,โ€ answers Little Johnny.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. โ€œHow did Thanksgiving go at your place?โ€ the bartender asks.

โ€œOh, it went fine. Had a lot of family over and the wife prepared the meal. I helped out, though. She got a little stressed out and told me she needed some peace and quiet in the kitchen so she could finish cooking,โ€ the guy says. โ€œSo I removed all the batteries from the smoke detectors.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


So this chicken walks up to a turkey and says, โ€œHey, turkey! Iโ€™ve always wondered somethingโ€ฆโ€

Turkeyโ€™s like, โ€œYeah. Whatโ€™s up?โ€

And so the chicken says, โ€œThat thing. You know, that flap of skin or whatever thatโ€™s hanging down over your beak. What do you call that thing?โ€

And the turkey crosses his eyes and looks down and says, โ€œBeak? What beak?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Thanksgiving Day was approaching, and a family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim family on its way to church.

Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing, โ€œThe pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers.โ€

โ€œOh, yeah?โ€ her grandson replied, โ€œSo, why is their dad carrying that rifle?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great poet.

When asked to define โ€œgreatโ€, he said, โ€œI want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, no, howl in pain and anger!โ€

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The barman in the pub looked over at me and said, โ€œYour glass is empty. Fancy another one?โ€

โ€œWhy would I want two empty glasses?โ€ I asked.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk fall out of a plane.

The Buddhist monk says, โ€œIt will be okay, for we shall all be reincarnated.โ€

The priest says, โ€œIt will be okay, for we shall all meet in Heaven.โ€

The rabbi says, โ€œAm I the only one who remembered we were going skydiving today?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Keeping The Romance Alive

I still love to spoil the love of my life.

If she works late at night, she calls me and tells me sheโ€™s on her way. I immediately start running the taps and pouring in some nice hot water with foam so that when she walks in, she can start washing the dishes right away.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An aboriginal walks into a bar with a seagull on his shoulder.

The barman asks, โ€œWhere did you get that?โ€

The seagull replies, โ€œDown the tip, there are heaps of them there.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End.

On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.

The Americans were incredulous.

Later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the middle of the road, an aborigine.

He had one ear pressed to the white line, whilst his left leg was held high in the air.

The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate aborigine.

โ€œJacky,โ€ said the tour guide, โ€œwhat are you tracking and what are you listening for?โ€

The aborigine replied, โ€œDown the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Valiant Ute. Itโ€™s a red one. The left front tire is bald. The front ends out of whack, and him got bloody dents in every panel. There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry. There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat.โ€

The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.

โ€œGod man, how do you know all that?,โ€ asked one.

The aborigine replied, โ€œI fell out off the pucken thing about half an hour ago!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guyโ€™s wife and kids all came down with the flu.

Upon returning home from the doctorโ€™s office with his four kids, he turned his attention to his ailing wife.

After preparing some chicken soup for her, he picked up the phone to call her doctor.

The receptionist picked up, and he related the situation to her.

She then told him that the office was going to be closed for a couple of days, but that his wife could have an appointment in 3 days.

He went ballistic and yelled into the phone, โ€œThree days?! The doctor canโ€™t see her for three days?! She could be dead by then!โ€ Calmly, the voice at the other end of the line replied, โ€œIf so, would you please call to cancel the appointment?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


911 operator: โ€œ911.โ€

โ€œHello, my wife was cooking dinner, and she fell,โ€ says the husband.

โ€œWhatโ€™s the emergency?โ€

The husband replies, โ€œHow do I know when the rice is ready?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A 911 operator gets a call.

โ€œ911, whatโ€™s your emergency?โ€ the operator asks.

โ€œIโ€™m smoking,โ€ replied a middle-aged woman.

โ€œSorry, maโ€™am, but you shouldnโ€™t be calling 911. Please contact an expert, if you need help,โ€ the operator hangs up the phone.

The phone rings again.

โ€œ911, whatโ€™s your emergency?โ€ the operator asks again.

โ€œIโ€™m smoking,โ€ replied the same woman.

โ€œSorry, maโ€™am, but you should not be calling 911. You are aware you called us just now, correct?โ€

Woman: โ€œYeah.โ€

โ€œWell, then please do not call us unless you have a proper emergency. Thank you,โ€ the operator hangs up the phone.

The phone rings again.

โ€œI swear to god, if itโ€™s that woman, Iโ€™m going to have a seizure,โ€ the operator mumbles under his breath.

โ€œ911, whatโ€™s your emergency?โ€ the operator asks again.

โ€œIโ€™m smoking,โ€ replied the same woman.

โ€œExcuse me, but you know itโ€™s a crime for prank calls like this, right? Please contact an expert if you have problems with any smoking issues,โ€ he hangs up the phone.

It rings again, with the same number.

The operator, clearly infuriated, picks up the phone, โ€œYOUโ€™RE NOT SUPPOSED TO CALL THIS NUMBER IF YOU DONโ€™T HAVE AN EMERGENCY!โ€

Woman: โ€œSorry, but...โ€

Operator: โ€œNO BUTS! IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SMOKING, PLEASE CONTACT AN EXPERT! DO YOU HAVE AN ACTUAL EMERGENCY?!โ€

โ€œYes, I do.โ€

โ€œWhat is it, then?!โ€

โ€œIโ€™m on fire.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A terrified mother called 911.

โ€œHelp me!โ€ she said. โ€œMy son just swallowed a fork!โ€

The 911 operator told her not to worry and that he would send over an ambulance right away.

โ€œWhat should I do until it arrives?โ€ the mother asked him.

Operator: โ€œUse a spoon.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A boy calls 911, โ€œHello? I need your help!โ€

The operator says, โ€œAlright. What is it?โ€

The boy says, โ€œTwo girls are fighting over me!โ€

The operator asks, โ€œSo, whatโ€™s your emergency?โ€

The boy says, โ€œThe ugly one is winning.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man rushed to dial 911 one evening when his wife displayed early signs of a stroke.

โ€œDonโ€™t worry, sir,โ€ reassured the dispatcher. โ€œEmergency services are on their way. Just try to remain calm and stay with her until they arrive.โ€

โ€œHow long will the ambulance be?โ€ the man asked.

โ€œAbout eighteen feet,โ€ replied the dispatcher.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


An orchestra conductor calls 911, โ€œHelp! My oboe player swallowed his reed! What do I do?โ€

The 911 operator says, โ€œSimple. Have a muted trumpet cover the part.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The phone rang at my work.

My boss asked, โ€œWhy donโ€™t you answer it?โ€

I said, โ€œIโ€™ll let it ring for a while. That way theyโ€™ll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.โ€

My boss shouted, โ€œANSWER IT NOW!โ€

I picked up the phone and said, โ€œ911, whatโ€™s the emergency?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A biker is riding a new motorbike on the highway.

While passing a car, he knocks on the window.

The driver of the car opens the window, โ€œYes?โ€

โ€œEver driven a Honda motorbike?โ€

โ€œNo, I havenโ€™t.โ€

The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window.

The driver of the car opens the window, โ€œYes?โ€

โ€œEver driven a Honda motorbike?โ€

โ€œNo, I havenโ€™t.โ€

Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch.

A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker.

Covered in blood, the biker asks, โ€œEver driven a Honda motorbike?โ€

โ€œYes, I have. I had a Honda for 20 years.โ€

The biker says, โ€œTell me, where are the brakes?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home, he spotted a nun walking down the road.

After looking at her twice, he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.

Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.

As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs, he looked back and shouted, โ€œI thought youโ€™d be tougher than that, Batman!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One evening, as she was sitting by the window of her room in the convent, Sister Ruth opened the letter from home that her parents had sent to her.

Inside the letter, was a $100 bill, a generous gift from her parents.

Sister Ruth smiled at the gesture, pondering what to do with the money, since living in the convent she didnโ€™t really need any.

As she read the letter, sitting by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote โ€œDonโ€™t despair. Sister Ruthโ€, on a piece of paper.

She then wrapped the $100 bill in it, managed to catch the manโ€™s attention, and tossed the paper out of the window to him.

The stranger picked it up, then with a puzzled expression on his face and a tip of his hat, off he went down the street.

The next day, Sister Ruth was told that a man was at the door of the convent, and he insisted on seeing her.

She went downstairs, where she found the stranger waiting for her.

Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

โ€œWhatโ€™s this?โ€ she asked, puzzled and confused.

โ€œThatโ€™s the $8,000 you have coming, Sisterโ€, the man replied. โ€œDonโ€™t Despair won the race at 80:1 odds!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign which reads, โ€œYouโ€™re headed down a dark and dangerous path, turn back before itโ€™s too late!โ€

The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later, a loud crash is heard.

One of the nuns thoughtfully says, โ€œSister, shall we just write โ€˜Attention, the bridge is demolishedโ€™?โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy runs into a bar, and yells, โ€œQuick! How tall is a penguin?โ€

The bartender says, โ€œThree feet tall.โ€

The guy says, โ€œOh my God! I just ran over a nun!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a bar for a drink.

Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup, the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society, how it was the root of all the cityโ€™s problems.

Slightly annoyed at having to listen to the nun, the man told her, โ€œListen, sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesnโ€™t make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs, and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!โ€

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, โ€œI see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed...โ€

โ€œLook there you go again,โ€ said the man, โ€œHow can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even tried alcohol?โ€

โ€œOf course not!โ€ gasped the nun, โ€œThe evil alcohol has never touched my lips.โ€

โ€œDo you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?โ€

โ€œWell, I really donโ€™t know ...โ€

โ€œIโ€™ll tell you what, come into the bar with me, and Iโ€™ll buy you a drink. One drink. Iโ€™ll prove to you that evil is not inside the glass, itโ€™s inside the person.โ€

โ€œOh, I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, itโ€™s out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit youโ€™ve aroused a curiosity in me.โ€

โ€œWell, letโ€™s go inside and settle this.โ€

โ€œNo, my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this? Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this scotch you mentioned. Bring it out to me and Iโ€™ll try it.โ€

โ€œYouโ€™re on!โ€ said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup.

He went into the bar and said to the bartender, โ€œTwo scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please.โ€

The bartender sighed and said, โ€œIs that darn โ€œnunโ€ out there again?!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


One night, a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

โ€œMy daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures, and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish,โ€ said God.

โ€œDear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy, and I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing. I feel content in all ways,โ€ said the nun.

โ€œThere must be something you would have of me,โ€ said God.

โ€œWell, there is one thing,โ€ she said.

โ€œJust name it,โ€ said God.

โ€œItโ€™s those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop.โ€

โ€œConsider it done,โ€ said God. โ€œBlonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you.โ€

โ€œThere is one thing. But itโ€™s really small, and not worth your time,โ€ said the nun.

โ€œName it. Please,โ€ said God.

โ€œItโ€™s the M&Mโ€™s,โ€ said the nun. โ€œTheyโ€™re so hard to peel.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superiorโ€™s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

โ€œMotherโ€, the nuns pleaded, โ€œPlease give us some wisdom before you die.โ€

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, โ€œDonโ€™t sell that cow.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.

One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem.

She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, โ€œThis is for washing our hair.โ€

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer, โ€œThe curlers are on me.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man calls home to his wife and says, โ€œHoney, I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. Weโ€™ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion Iโ€™ve been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. Weโ€™re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.โ€

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy, but being a good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, โ€œYes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didnโ€™t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?โ€

โ€œI did, theyโ€™re in your tackle box.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Friend 1:ย โ€œI just invented something to help get people out of bed in the morning. Itโ€™s called โ€œRise and Shine Juiceโ€.

Friend 2:ย โ€œCool! Whatโ€™s in it?โ€

Friend 1:ย โ€œYeast and shoe polish.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Went to the seaside for a vacation last year.

The landlady said to me, โ€œWe charge twenty pounds a nightโ€”bed and breakfastโ€”or twelve pounds if you make your own bed.โ€

โ€œOh, all right,โ€ I said, โ€œIโ€™ll make the bed.โ€

And the landlady gave me a saw, a hammer and some nails.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


On New Yearโ€™s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A politician visits a rural area to gain appeal for the upcoming elections.

He schedules a meeting with the local leaders to discuss problems the town has been experiencing so that he could provide help and solutions.

โ€œGovernor, our town has been experiencing two big problems,โ€ says one of the leaders.

The politician pounds his table, โ€œOk, tell me what they are,โ€ย he impatiently replies, all the while looking around to confirm if the excessive display got a favorable response.

โ€œOK, our first problem is a flu outbreak, but we lack doctors and hospitals, and the second one is...โ€

The politician cuts him off, โ€œStop right there, Iโ€™ll make some calls,โ€ as the politician animatedly grabs his phone, punches the numbers, and makes his calls.

โ€œYes! Yes! That would be great, tomorrow then,โ€ he loudly replies before punching another number for another call. โ€œYes, a hospital, I will pay for it personally.โ€

He hangs up and turns to everyone, โ€œGood news, everyone! I have arranged for a group of doctors to come here tomorrow and check on those afflicted,โ€ he loudly proclaims. โ€œI have also called for the immediate construction of a hospital, which would begin as soon as we are able to find a suitable area today. Now, what was your other problem?โ€

โ€œYes, our second problem is that we donโ€™t have cellphone coverage here.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill.

He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.

The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.

โ€œThis is your doctor. Weโ€™ve had the results back from your tests, and weโ€™ve found you have an extremely nasty flu virus, which is extremely contagious!โ€

โ€œOh my gosh!โ€ cries the man. Heโ€™s in a panic now. โ€œWhat are you going to do, doctor?โ€

โ€œWell, weโ€™re going to put you on a diet of pancakes and pita bread.โ€

โ€œWill that cure me?โ€ asked the man, hopefully.

The doctor replied, โ€œWell, no, but... itโ€™s the only food we can get under the door.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Whenever autumn comes around, I like to walk around and collect the colorful leaves.

It sounds better than saying Iโ€™m a street sweeper.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s been raining for 3 days without stopping.

My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window.

If the rain doesnโ€™t stop tomorrow, Iโ€™ll have to let her in.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When I was a kid I could go to the store with only $5 and come home with bread, milk, hot dogs and my favorite candy.

You canโ€™t do that these days...

Too many damned security cameras.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I havenโ€™t spoken a word to my wife in years.

She hates to be interrupted.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Itโ€™s cleaning day today.

Iโ€™ve already polished off a whole chocolate bar.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


It always takes two to create trouble in a marriage.

The wife and the mother-in-law.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


When I won the lottery, I decided to share it with my ex-wife.

So I rang her and said, โ€œGuess what, I won the jackpot.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I went to Dunkinโ€™ Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box...

Iโ€™ve been banned for life from that shop.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My boyfriend and I broke up.

He wanted to get married... I didnโ€™t want him to.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I like to show my girlfriend whoโ€™s the boss in our house.

I do this by holding a mirror up to her face.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A family was driving in their car through an Arizona desert.

When they ran into a family of skunks.

They stop the car and get out so that they could check on the family of skunks to make sure they were alright.

They found all of the skunks to be ok except for one little baby skunk.

The wife then asked the husband if they could take the baby skunk to the vet to get it the medical attention that it needed.

They come up at the California border checkpoint and the wife starts freaking out, โ€œThereโ€™s no way they let us take this skunk across the border, what are we gonna do?โ€

The husband thinks for a second and says, โ€œHey I got it! Take the baby skunk and put it under your dress.โ€

The wife replies, โ€œWell what about the smell?โ€

The husband says, โ€œItโ€™ll be alright, just hold its nose.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Pulled out a couple of nose hairs to see if it hurts.

Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train, it seems very painful.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A jockey is walking down the road leading a racehorse when he bumps into a friend.

โ€œWhat are you planning to do with that nag?โ€ the man asks.

โ€œRace it,โ€ replies the jockey, surprised.

โ€œWell, by the look of it,โ€ the man says, โ€œyouโ€™ll win!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I keep trying to get into horse racing, but theyโ€™re too fast for me.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Patient: โ€œDoctor, doctor! Iโ€™ve broken my arm in three places!โ€

Doctor: โ€œWell, stop going to those places then.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I tried to pay my taxes to the IRS with a smile.

Turns out they prefer money.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.

A woman with a small dog walked up to sit on another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.

The man asked, โ€œWould you mind if I throw him a bit?โ€

โ€œNot at all,โ€ the woman replied.

The man picked the dog up and tossed him over a wall.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man left for work one Friday morning.

Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, โ€œHow would you like it if you didnโ€™t see me for two or three days?โ€

โ€œThat would be fine with meโ€, he replied.

Monday went by and he didnโ€™t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Last night I made fish tacos.

They looked at them and just swam away.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My kids wonโ€™t eat their tacos for dinner, so I had to throw them out.

Then I ate their tacos.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Today I made a big pot of pasta,

but when I went to dump the pot into the sink, I think I strained something.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and chess, but I stopped after my son broke my PlayStation.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I emailed Netflix and asked if they had Batman Forever.

They said, โ€œNo, just until the end of June.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.

One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles.

He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After a while he tried 10-pound potato sacks, then 50-pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute.

Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, โ€œDo you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?โ€

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

โ€œDo you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?โ€

The little boy nodded yes.

โ€œSo,โ€ the coach continued, โ€œIโ€™m sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldnโ€™t argue, curse, or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?โ€

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, โ€œAnd when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, itโ€™s not good sportsmanship to call your coach โ€œa worthless idiotโ€ is it?โ€ Again the little boy nodded.

โ€œGood,โ€ said the coach. โ€œNow go over there and explain all that to your parents.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I burned 2000 calories today.

I fell asleep while baking pizza in the oven.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I got a job at a paperless office.

Everything was great until I needed to use the bathroom.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


What would happen if you took the school bus home?

The police would make you bring it back!

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Teachers deserve a lot of credit.

Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldnโ€™t need it.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was going to buy a pocket calculator.

But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet.

โ€œWill I be able to race this horse again?โ€ he asks.

The vet replies: โ€œOf course you will, and youโ€™ll probably win!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was going to go greyhound racing this weekend but decided against it...

Theyโ€™re too fast. Iโ€™d never win.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


I was in a bar some days ago when a beautiful girl asked me, โ€œWhat do you do?โ€

I replied, โ€œI race motorcycles.โ€

She asked further, โ€œDo you usually win many races?โ€

I said, โ€œNo, the bikes are much faster than I am.โ€โ€ฌ

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


Diet day 1:

I removed all the fattening food from my house.

It was delicious.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A woman in England gives birth every 30 seconds.

She must be exhausted.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A couple goes to the cinema.

โ€œTwo tickets, please,โ€ says the man.

โ€œHobbit?โ€ asks the cashier lady.

โ€œNo, thatโ€™s my wife.โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A man in a French restaurant asks the waiter, โ€œDo you have frog legs?โ€

The waiter looks offended, โ€œNo, Iโ€™ve always walked like that!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A guy had to ask his neighbor for help getting his new sofa inside the flat because it got stuck in the door.

After about twenty minutes of vigorous pushing and maneuvering, the guy pants, โ€œI think weโ€™ll have to call it a day. Thereโ€™s no way weโ€™re getting it inside.โ€

The neighbor looks at him slowly, โ€œWait, inside?!โ€

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My neighbors listen to great music.

Whether they like it or not.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

Then we met.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


















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