Jokes With Punchlines



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Punchline Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Punchline Jokes


A man rushed to dial 911 one evening when his wife displayed early signs of a stroke.

โ€œDonโ€™t worry, sir,โ€ reassured the dispatcher. โ€œEmergency services are on their way. Just try to remain calm and stay with her until they arrive.โ€

โ€œHow long will the ambulance be?โ€ the man asked.

โ€œAbout eighteen feet,โ€ replied the dispatcher.

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An orchestra conductor calls 911, โ€œHelp! My oboe player swallowed his reed! What do I do?โ€

The 911 operator says, โ€œSimple. Have a muted trumpet cover the part.โ€

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The phone rang at my work.

My boss asked, โ€œWhy donโ€™t you answer it?โ€

I said, โ€œIโ€™ll let it ring for a while. That way theyโ€™ll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.โ€

My boss shouted, โ€œANSWER IT NOW!โ€

I picked up the phone and said, โ€œ911, whatโ€™s the emergency?โ€

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A biker is riding a new motorbike on the highway.

While passing a car, he knocks on the window.

The driver of the car opens the window, โ€œYes?โ€

โ€œEver driven a Honda motorbike?โ€

โ€œNo, I havenโ€™t.โ€

The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window.

The driver of the car opens the window, โ€œYes?โ€

โ€œEver driven a Honda motorbike?โ€

โ€œNo, I havenโ€™t.โ€

Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch.

A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker.

Covered in blood, the biker asks, โ€œEver driven a Honda motorbike?โ€

โ€œYes, I have. I had a Honda for 20 years.โ€

The biker says, โ€œTell me, where are the brakes?โ€

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One night, after a long evening of drinking, Jim was thrown out of the bar as usual. On his way home, he spotted a nun walking down the road.

After looking at her twice, he ran over and tackled her, then proceeded to beat the living shit out of her.

Some people passing by spotted this and called the police.

As the police were pulling him away in handcuffs, he looked back and shouted, โ€œI thought youโ€™d be tougher than that, Batman!โ€

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One evening, as she was sitting by the window of her room in the convent, Sister Ruth opened the letter from home that her parents had sent to her.

Inside the letter, was a $100 bill, a generous gift from her parents.

Sister Ruth smiled at the gesture, pondering what to do with the money, since living in the convent she didnโ€™t really need any.

As she read the letter, sitting by the window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against the lamp post below.

Quickly, she wrote โ€œDonโ€™t despair. Sister Ruthโ€, on a piece of paper.

She then wrapped the $100 bill in it, managed to catch the manโ€™s attention, and tossed the paper out of the window to him.

The stranger picked it up, then with a puzzled expression on his face and a tip of his hat, off he went down the street.

The next day, Sister Ruth was told that a man was at the door of the convent, and he insisted on seeing her.

She went downstairs, where she found the stranger waiting for her.

Without a word, he handed her a huge wad of $100 bills.

โ€œWhatโ€™s this?โ€ she asked, puzzled and confused.

โ€œThatโ€™s the $8,000 you have coming, Sisterโ€, the man replied. โ€œDonโ€™t Despair won the race at 80:1 odds!โ€

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Two nuns stand by the road, holding a sign which reads, โ€œYouโ€™re headed down a dark and dangerous path, turn back before itโ€™s too late!โ€

The next busy driver, who looks at the inscription, shows a finger and disappears behind the curve. A second later, a loud crash is heard.

One of the nuns thoughtfully says, โ€œSister, shall we just write โ€˜Attention, the bridge is demolishedโ€™?โ€

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A guy runs into a bar, and yells, โ€œQuick! How tall is a penguin?โ€

The bartender says, โ€œThree feet tall.โ€

The guy says, โ€œOh my God! I just ran over a nun!โ€

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A man was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a bar for a drink.

Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup, the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society, how it was the root of all the cityโ€™s problems.

Slightly annoyed at having to listen to the nun, the man told her, โ€œListen, sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesnโ€™t make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs, and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!โ€

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, โ€œI see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed...โ€

โ€œLook there you go again,โ€ said the man, โ€œHow can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even tried alcohol?โ€

โ€œOf course not!โ€ gasped the nun, โ€œThe evil alcohol has never touched my lips.โ€

โ€œDo you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?โ€

โ€œWell, I really donโ€™t know ...โ€

โ€œIโ€™ll tell you what, come into the bar with me, and Iโ€™ll buy you a drink. One drink. Iโ€™ll prove to you that evil is not inside the glass, itโ€™s inside the person.โ€

โ€œOh, I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, itโ€™s out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit youโ€™ve aroused a curiosity in me.โ€

โ€œWell, letโ€™s go inside and settle this.โ€

โ€œNo, my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this? Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this scotch you mentioned. Bring it out to me and Iโ€™ll try it.โ€

โ€œYouโ€™re on!โ€ said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup.

He went into the bar and said to the bartender, โ€œTwo scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please.โ€

The bartender sighed and said, โ€œIs that darn โ€œnunโ€ out there again?!โ€

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One night, a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.

โ€œMy daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures, and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish,โ€ said God.

โ€œDear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy, and I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing. I feel content in all ways,โ€ said the nun.

โ€œThere must be something you would have of me,โ€ said God.

โ€œWell, there is one thing,โ€ she said.

โ€œJust name it,โ€ said God.

โ€œItโ€™s those blond jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to stop.โ€

โ€œConsider it done,โ€ said God. โ€œBlonde jokes shall be stricken from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I could do just for you.โ€

โ€œThere is one thing. But itโ€™s really small, and not worth your time,โ€ said the nun.

โ€œName it. Please,โ€ said God.

โ€œItโ€™s the M&Mโ€™s,โ€ said the nun. โ€œTheyโ€™re so hard to peel.โ€

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The wise old Mother Superior from County Tipperary was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superiorโ€™s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother Superior drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she had drunk the whole glass down to the last drop.

โ€œMotherโ€, the nuns pleaded, โ€œPlease give us some wisdom before you die.โ€

She raised herself up in bed with a pious look on her face and said, โ€œDonโ€™t sell that cow.โ€

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While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.

One asked the other if she would like a beer. The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.

The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem.

She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, โ€œThis is for washing our hair.โ€

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer, โ€œThe curlers are on me.โ€

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A man calls home to his wife and says, โ€œHoney, I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. Weโ€™ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion Iโ€™ve been wanting, so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. Weโ€™re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.โ€

The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy, but being a good wife, she does exactly what her husband asked.

The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good.

The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?

He says, โ€œYes! Lots of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didnโ€™t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?โ€

โ€œI did, theyโ€™re in your tackle box.โ€

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Friend 1:ย โ€œI just invented something to help get people out of bed in the morning. Itโ€™s called โ€œRise and Shine Juiceโ€.

Friend 2:ย โ€œCool! Whatโ€™s in it?โ€

Friend 1:ย โ€œYeast and shoe polish.โ€

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Went to the seaside for a vacation last year.

The landlady said to me, โ€œWe charge twenty pounds a nightโ€”bed and breakfastโ€”or twelve pounds if you make your own bed.โ€

โ€œOh, all right,โ€ I said, โ€œIโ€™ll make the bed.โ€

And the landlady gave me a saw, a hammer and some nails.

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On New Yearโ€™s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.

At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.

As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

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Whenever autumn comes around, I like to walk around and collect the colorful leaves.

It sounds better than saying Iโ€™m a street sweeper.

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Itโ€™s been raining for 3 days without stopping.

My wife is in depression, she is standing and looking through the window.

If the rain doesnโ€™t stop tomorrow, Iโ€™ll have to let her in.

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When I was a kid I could go to the store with only $5 and come home with bread, milk, hot dogs and my favorite candy.

You canโ€™t do that these days...

Too many damned security cameras.

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I havenโ€™t spoken a word to my wife in years.

She hates to be interrupted.

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Itโ€™s cleaning day today.

Iโ€™ve already polished off a whole chocolate bar.

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It always takes two to create trouble in a marriage.

The wife and the mother-in-law.

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My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

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When I won the lottery, I decided to share it with my ex-wife.

So I rang her and said, โ€œGuess what, I won the jackpot.โ€

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I went to Dunkinโ€™ Donuts and ordered 4 blueberry donuts and the cashier asked if I wanna box...

Iโ€™ve been banned for life from that shop.

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My boyfriend and I broke up.

He wanted to get married... I didnโ€™t want him to.

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I like to show my girlfriend whoโ€™s the boss in our house.

I do this by holding a mirror up to her face.

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A family was driving in their car through an Arizona desert.

When they ran into a family of skunks.

They stop the car and get out so that they could check on the family of skunks to make sure they were alright.

They found all of the skunks to be ok except for one little baby skunk.

The wife then asked the husband if they could take the baby skunk to the vet to get it the medical attention that it needed.

They come up at the California border checkpoint and the wife starts freaking out, โ€œThereโ€™s no way they let us take this skunk across the border, what are we gonna do?โ€

The husband thinks for a second and says, โ€œHey I got it! Take the baby skunk and put it under your dress.โ€

The wife replies, โ€œWell what about the smell?โ€

The husband says, โ€œItโ€™ll be alright, just hold its nose.โ€

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Pulled out a couple of nose hairs to see if it hurts.

Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the train, it seems very painful.

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A jockey is walking down the road leading a racehorse when he bumps into a friend.

โ€œWhat are you planning to do with that nag?โ€ the man asks.

โ€œRace it,โ€ replies the jockey, surprised.

โ€œWell, by the look of it,โ€ the man says, โ€œyouโ€™ll win!โ€

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I keep trying to get into horse racing, but theyโ€™re too fast for me.

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Patient: โ€œDoctor, doctor! Iโ€™ve broken my arm in three places!โ€

Doctor: โ€œWell, stop going to those places then.โ€

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I tried to pay my taxes to the IRS with a smile.

Turns out they prefer money.

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A man was sitting on a park bench eating a hot dog.

A woman with a small dog walked up to sit on another bench across from the man. Almost immediately, the little dog began barking incessantly at the man while he ate.

The man asked, โ€œWould you mind if I throw him a bit?โ€

โ€œNot at all,โ€ the woman replied.

The man picked the dog up and tossed him over a wall.

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A man left for work one Friday morning.

Instead of going home after work, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spending all his wages. When he finally got home on Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife. After a while she stopped nagging and said, โ€œHow would you like it if you didnโ€™t see me for two or three days?โ€

โ€œThat would be fine with meโ€, he replied.

Monday went by and he didnโ€™t see his wife.

Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same result.

Thursday, the swelling went down just enough for him to see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

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Last night I made fish tacos.

They looked at them and just swam away.

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My kids wonโ€™t eat their tacos for dinner, so I had to throw them out.

Then I ate their tacos.

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Today I made a big pot of pasta,

but when I went to dump the pot into the sink, I think I strained something.

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I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and chess, but I stopped after my son broke my PlayStation.

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I emailed Netflix and asked if they had Batman Forever.

They said, โ€œNo, just until the end of June.โ€

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My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me, when I was a little boy myself, how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.

One story was how he had developed his arm and shoulder muscles.

He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After a while he tried 10-pound potato sacks, then 50-pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute.

Next, he started putting potatoes in the sacks.

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At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, โ€œDo you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?โ€

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

โ€œDo you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?โ€

The little boy nodded yes.

โ€œSo,โ€ the coach continued, โ€œIโ€™m sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldnโ€™t argue, curse, or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?โ€

Again the little boy nodded.

He continued, โ€œAnd when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, itโ€™s not good sportsmanship to call your coach โ€œa worthless idiotโ€ is it?โ€ Again the little boy nodded.

โ€œGood,โ€ said the coach. โ€œNow go over there and explain all that to your parents.โ€

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I burned 2000 calories today. I fell asleep while baking pizza in the oven.

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I got a job at a paperless office.

Everything was great until I needed to use the bathroom.

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What would happen if you took the school bus home?

The police would make you bring it back!

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Teachers deserve a lot of credit.

Of course, if we paid them more, they wouldnโ€™t need it.

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I was going to buy a pocket calculator.

But then I thought, who cares how many pockets I have.

๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„ ๐Ÿ˜„


A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet.

โ€œWill I be able to race this horse again?โ€ he asks.

The vet replies: โ€œOf course you will, and youโ€™ll probably win!โ€

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I was going to go greyhound racing this weekend but decided against it...

Theyโ€™re too fast. Iโ€™d never win.

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I was in a bar some days ago when a beautiful girl asked me, โ€œWhat do you do?โ€

I replied, โ€œI race motorcycles.โ€

She asked further, โ€œDo you usually win many races?โ€

I said, โ€œNo, the bikes are much faster than I am.โ€โ€ฌ

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Diet day 1:

I removed all the fattening food from my house.

It was delicious.

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A woman in England gives birth every 30 seconds.

She must be exhausted.

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A couple goes to the cinema.

โ€œTwo tickets, please,โ€ says the man.

โ€œHobbit?โ€ asks the cashier lady.

โ€œNo, thatโ€™s my wife.โ€

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A man in a French restaurant asks the waiter, โ€œDo you have frog legs?โ€

The waiter looks offended, โ€œNo, Iโ€™ve always walked like that!โ€

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A guy had to ask his neighbor for help getting his new sofa inside the flat because it got stuck in the door.

After about twenty minutes of vigorous pushing and maneuvering, the guy pants, โ€œI think weโ€™ll have to call it a day. Thereโ€™s no way weโ€™re getting it inside.โ€

The neighbor looks at him slowly, โ€œWait, inside?!โ€

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My neighbors listen to great music.

Whether they like it or not.

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My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

Then we met.

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