Pun Jokes for Adults



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Pun Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Pun Jokes


A monocle walks into a bar.

After a few drinks, he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him.

β€œSorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don’t allow smoking in here. You’ll have to step outside to smoke.”

So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile, a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled.

They try to get free, but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become. The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head.

β€œHey, you two!” he shouts. β€œStop making spectacles of yourselves!”

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What did the apple teacher say to her student?

β€œHelp me orange the chairs please!”

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The student asked the teacher, β€œCashew a question?”

And the teacher replied, β€œNut now”.

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My wife is really into Do-It-Yourself. Every time I ask her to fix something, she says β€œOh, do it yourself!”.

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I just walked past a man in shorts carrying a really long stick and I asked him, β€œAre you a pole vaulter?”

He said, β€œNo, I’m German, how did you know my name was Walter?”

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A man walks up to the pearly gates.

Saint Peter asks, β€œHow did you get here?”

The man answers, β€œFlu.”

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Friend: β€œWhere were you?”

Me: β€œI got sick and had to rush to the doctor.”

Friend: β€œFlu?”

Me: β€œNah, just drove really fast.”

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β€œThe word of the day is β€˜contagious’,” said the teacher. β€œWho can use it in a sentence?”

Little Jenny stood up and said, β€œMy dad has a cold and said it’s contagious.”

The teacher praised Jenny and ask for an example from another student.

Billy stood up and said, β€œMiss, my mum has the flu, and I think it’s contagious.”

Happy with Billy’s response, the teacher asked for one more student to stand up and give an example.

Little Johnny stood up, β€œMiss, my next door neighbor is painting his house with a 1-inch brush and my dad said it’s going to take the contagious.”

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Guy outside: β€œ911! 911!”

Guy inside: β€œWhat’s going on out there? Why are you yelling 911?”

Guy outside: β€œEmerge and see!”

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Dispatcher: β€œ911, what is your emergency?”

Caller: β€œI heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.”

Dispatcher: β€œDo you have an address?”

Caller: β€œNo, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?”

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So I was driving on the free way today when I got cut off by an ambulance.Β All of a sudden, one of the back doors swung open, and a cooler popped out and rolled out to the shoulder.

I stopped and picked it up. I opened it and found what looked to be a severed toe. I immediately called 911.

The operator said, β€œ911, what’s your emergency?”

I said, β€œYes, I was driving behind an ambulance and a cooler with a severed toe fell out! If you can please inform me what hospital it’s going to, I can deliver it right now!”

The operator replied, β€œI’m sorry sir, but you can’t transport that. You need a specially certified vehicle to do so.”

I asked, β€œWhat kind of vehicle would that be?”

The operator said, β€œA toe-truck!”

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A doctor and an archeologist start flirting.

After a while of, the doctor asks: β€œWhat do you do for a living?”

β€œI’m an archeologist,” she answers.

The doctor responds: β€œThen I guess this isn’t going to work out, you will constantly be dating other people.”

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Adam meets a witch.

The witch tells him: β€œTell me I am pretty, or you will be cursed!”

Adam: β€œSorry, but I don’t find you attractive.”

Witch: β€œTake that back, or you most surely will be cursed!

Adam: β€œNope. You’re hideous.”

The witch then transformed him into an ant.

Witch: β€œLook where your rudeness brought you!”

Adam: β€œYeah, this sucks, but you still look like a moldy potato.”

Witch: β€œVery well, then. You will remain in this form until you repent and call me pretty!”

He is still adamant.

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Registered nurse: β€œSorry for the wait!”

Man: β€œIt’s alright, I’m patient.”

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Two flies are playing soccer on a plate.

One says to the other, β€œYou’d better pick up your game, Louie, we’re playing in the cup tomorrow.”

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An ant approaches an elephant and asks, β€œWould you like to play?”

β€œSure,” replies the elephant.

β€œSo, what’s your favorite game?” the ant inquires.

β€œSquash,” says the elephant.

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A boxer was throwing nothing but right hooks at a punching bag.

His trainer walked up and asked, β€œWhat gives?”

The boxer replied, β€œI’m exercising my rights.”

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Broccoli looks into the trunk of his car.

He sees an extra tire and exclaims, β€œOh! I have a-spar-a-gus!”

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Customer: β€œWaiter!Β Waiter!Β What is the moldy stuff?”

Waiter: β€œThat’s a bean taco.”

Customer: β€œI’m sure it’s been a taco, but what is it now?!?”

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A hot dog and a hamburger are having a drink at the bar.

The hot dog says, β€œI’ve got some bad news for you and I can either sugarcoat it or give it to you straight.”

The hamburger replies, β€œPlease, beef frank.”

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A guy claims to have made a 20 lb hot dog.

A butcher says, β€œAh, that’s bologna.”

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The hot dog asked his friend, β€œHave you been to the German nightclub yet?”

His friend hadn’t, it was too krauted.

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A yam and a hot dog are having a heart-to-heart.

Yam: β€œCan I be candied with you?”

Hot dog: β€œIn that case, let me be frank.”

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One place where I lived had unusual sounds at night.

It sounded sort of like hundreds of chickens, but very faint and only under the darkest moon.

Turns out the place had been built over an old egg and chicken farm, which had become haunted by the noises of the deceased chickens.

We had a poultrygeist.

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An Alien visited the Solar system and ate Jupiter.

When asked how it was the Alien replied simply:

β€œGastronomical.”

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A Korean martial artist was giving away chocolate bars.

I asked if I could have 2.

He said, β€œNo, you can taek-won-do.”

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Son: β€œHey dad, can you guess what is worse than no moon?”

Dad: β€œNo sun?”

Son: β€œYou don’t even want to take a guess?”

Dad: β€œNo sun!”

Son: β€œYou’re so stubborn, the answer is no sun.”

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The arrogant baker declared, β€œYou’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”

The customer agreed, β€œIt must be the double glazing.”

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As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply.

After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves...

So Noah asked them, β€œWhy aren’t you multiplying?”

The snakes replied, β€œWe can’t, we’re adders.”

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An ice cream, a creme brulee and a slice of cheesecake joined the army, but they abandoned their fellow soldiers on their first deployment.

They are wanted for dessertion.

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β€œMan, my sinuses are on fire!”

β€œAn allergy?”

β€œNo, a metaphor.”

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My brother wanted a dinosaur as a gift for his birthday.

Then I told him, β€œThey’re all extinct.”

Hearing that, he said, β€œNo, I don’t want a stinky dinosaur.”

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My 2 year old sister’s stinky feet were smelling like cheese.

My dad was wondering what happened, so I told him that she had chee-toes.

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There was a company that sent people to everyone’s homes and claimed that they could track you from your smell.

But they couldn’t do that without your con-scent.

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There was a bad smell coming from a dumpster.

So, my mother made my sister burn some spices to cover it.

She used pap-reek-her.

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I lost my watch at a party once.

An hour later I saw some guy stepping on it while he was harassing some woman at that party.

Infuriated, I immediately went over, punched him and broke his nose.

β€œNo one does that to a woman, not on my watch!”

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Two leprechauns are in the forest and one starts eating mushrooms, so the other one says to him, β€œAre you having fun, Gus?”

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A mushroom walks up to a tomato and asks him out on a date.

As the evening wears on, the tomato is just sitting there, not saying much and looking miserable.

β€œWhat’s wrong?” the mushroom says. β€œAren’t you enjoying yourself?”

β€œI guess I’m just not a fun-gi,” says the tomato.

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Whilst holidaying in France I saw a group of mushrooms performing Queen covers.

I said, β€œYou’re brilliant, what’s the band called?”

They replied, β€œWe are the Champignons, my friend.”

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Fourteen mushrooms were sitting at a lunch table. One more asked to join.

One of them said, β€œSorry there is not mush-room.”

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So a mushroom walks into a bar.

The bartender says, β€œWe don’t serve mushrooms here. You’re always ruining jokes.”

The mushroom says, β€œCome on. I’m a fun-gi.”

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Scientists say they may be able to synthesize a completely clean biofuel using the enzymes in finely shredded fungi, such as mushrooms...

Some critics have questioned the ethics of the process, but admit they are comforted by the researchers’ strong morel fiber.

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Two mushrooms were talking about politics.

One mushroom said, β€œI think that women shouldn’t be allowed to vote.”

The other said, β€œThat’s a shiitake.”

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A man was deathly allergic to mushrooms.

After a huge fight, his wife cooked a mushroom into his dinner. He ate it and died.

The morel of the story... killed him.

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Patient: β€œDoctor, doctor! I’ve swallowed my money!”

Doctor: β€œTake this, and we’ll see if there’s any change in the morning.”

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My friend was telling me about a wedding he is going to next year.

He said he’ll be wearing the same kilt as the groom.

I love the idea, but I’m really not sure how they’re both going to fit into it.

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I said to my wife, β€œDid you hear my last pun?”

She replied, β€œI hope so!”

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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, β€œHey.”

The horse said, β€œNah, just beer, please. I just ate.”

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A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asked him, β€œWhy the long face?”

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I complained to my math teacher that it was too cold in the classroom.

He told me to stand in the corner. Because the corner is 90 degrees.

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