Psychology Jokes



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Psychology Jokes


Why did the astronaut go to therapy with Uranus?

It had too many emotional craters.

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A man goes to a marriage counselor all by himself.

Confused, the marriage counselor says, โ€œThis is quite odd, as usually this works better when both partners attend therapy together. Since you already paid for this session, I guess we will just have to pretend she is here and role play. Iโ€™ll be your wife.โ€

The man instantly stiffens up and looks very nervous.

Counselor: โ€œHoney, are you not happy in our marriage?โ€

Man: โ€œI canโ€™t complain about that.โ€

Counselor: โ€œIs it the relations?โ€

Man: โ€œI canโ€™t complain about that either.โ€

Counselor: โ€œWell, is it the way I treat you?โ€

Man: โ€œNope. Definitely canโ€™t complain about that.โ€

Getting frustrated about the lack of any insight, the counselor breaks character and says, โ€œI donโ€™t think this is really going anywhere without your wife present. Why donโ€™t you bring her with you?โ€

Man: โ€œNo, that wonโ€™t work at all. It has to be just you and me. No role playing, either.โ€

Counselor: โ€œWell, why is that?โ€

Man: โ€œTo you, I can complain!โ€

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The therapist said to me, โ€œYour wife has complained that you never buy her flowers, what do you say to that?โ€

I said, โ€œTo be honest, I had no idea my wife even sold flowers.โ€

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The couples therapist said, โ€œSo, tell me what brings you here today?โ€

My wife said, โ€œItโ€™s really difficult to live with him. Heโ€™s so literal.โ€

I said, โ€œMy truck.โ€

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My therapist told me to write letters to people I hated and then burn them.

Iโ€™ve done that, but now what do I do with the letters?

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Whatโ€™s the human psychology behind all this toilet paper hoarding?

Thatโ€™s just how we roll.

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A psychology professor starts his lecture by telling the students, โ€œToday weโ€™ll learn about the three stages of human emotion: surprise, irritation, and rage.โ€

With that, he takes his phone out of his pocket, puts it on speaker, and dials a random number.

โ€œHello, may I please speak to Dave?โ€ says the professor when the other person answers.

โ€œNo, Iโ€™m sorry, you have the wrong number,โ€ says the person on the other end.

โ€œYou see that students, thatโ€™s surprise. Now allow me to show you what irritation sounds like.โ€

He picks up the phone again, and dials the same number.

When it answers, the professor asks, โ€œHi, can Dave come to the phone?โ€

โ€œI told you you have the wrong number!โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s irritation, my friends,โ€ says the professor. โ€œNow, letโ€™s look at what rage looks like.โ€

He picks up the phone and dials the number again.

When it answers he asks, โ€œIs Dave available?โ€

โ€œLISTEN, YOU IDIOT. IF YOU CALL THIS NUMBER AGAIN, Iโ€™LL COME OVER, BREAK THAT PHONE IN HALF AND SHOVE IT WHERE THE SUN DONโ€™T SHINE!!!โ€

โ€œAnd thatโ€™s rage.โ€

โ€œProfessor, you forgot the fourth stage,โ€ says a young man in the front row.

โ€œAnd what might that be?โ€ asks the professor.

โ€œItโ€™s called the stage of total confusion. Allow me to demonstrate.โ€

He comes up to the podium, takes the professorโ€™s phone and dials the same number.

โ€œHello, this is Dave, has somebody called me today?โ€

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My wife has a minor in psychology.

I guess you could say sheโ€™s a little...

Psycho.

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Johnny paid his way through college by waiting in a restaurant.

โ€œWhatโ€™s the usual tip?โ€ asked a customer.

โ€œWell,โ€ said Johnny, โ€œThis is my first day, but the other guys said that, if I got five dollars out of you, Iโ€™d be doing great.โ€

โ€œIs that so?โ€ growled the customer. โ€œIn that case, hereโ€™s twenty dollars.โ€

โ€œThanks. Iโ€™ll put it in my college fund,โ€ Johnny said.

โ€œBy the way, what are you studying?โ€ asked the customer.

โ€œApplied psychology.โ€

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Iโ€™m writing a book about reverse psychology.

Please donโ€™t buy it.

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Wife to therapist: โ€œHe always misunderstands simple questions.โ€

Therapist to husband: โ€œWhat does she mean?โ€

Husband: โ€œItโ€™s a feminine pronoun.โ€

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Dating me is like dating your therapist who is also your mom and is also very disappointed in you.

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I have degrees in Politics, Economics and Psychology.

I donโ€™t have a job, but at least I know why.

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The relationship between a man and a woman is a psychological one.

The woman is psycho, the man is logical.

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My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start.

So far today, I have finished two bags of chips and a chocolate cake.

I feel better already.

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What did the therapist say to the moon?

Donโ€™t worry, youโ€™re just going through a phase.

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