Psychiatrist Jokes



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Psychiatrist Jokes


A man sitting at a bar after work shares with the bartender why he is looking so stressed, β€œI’m not sleeping well. I have nightmares about a monster under my bed, and I am too embarrassed to seek help.”

A patron nearby overhears this and introduces himself, β€œI overheard your story, and I am a psychiatrist. Maybe I can help. The first thing is you recognize these are only dreams, and that is obvious, so I should be able to help you in a few sessions. Here’s my card, give me a call.”

A few weeks pass and the same two are once again at the bar after work.

The psychiatrist says to the other guy, β€œHi, how goes the nightmares? I never heard from you, so I hope you are doing okay.”

The other guy says, β€œThings are great, the bartender helped me.”

Psychiatrist, β€œThe bartender helped you? You needed a trained professional to help you, what possibly could a bartender do that a psychiatrist couldn’t?”

The other guy says, β€œHe told me to saw the legs off my bed.”

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Why don’t you hear psychiatrists when they go to the bathroom?

The p is silent.

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How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

It only takes one, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to want to change.

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A guy barges into a psychiatrist’s office and screams, β€œDoctor! I have suicidal tendencies! What do I do?!”

The doctor calmly answers, β€œPay me in advance.”

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A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.

The psychiatrist says, β€œMy god, whoever did this needs help!”

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My psychiatrist said I have a narcissistic personality.

I don’t know what that means, but must be pretty good if I’ve got it.

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My therapist says I’m narcissistic.

How can someone who’s perfect be narcissistic?

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My doctor said that my narcissistic tendencies cause me to misread social interactions.

I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

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I’ve given up social media for the New Year, and I am trying to make friends outside Facebook while applying the same principles.

Every day, I walk down the street and tell passersby what I’ve eaten, how I feel, what I did the night before, and what I will do tomorrow. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog, and me gardening. I also listen to their conversations and tell them I love them.

And it works. I alreadyΒ have three people following me... two police officers and a psychiatrist.

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β€œDoctor,” a man told his psychiatrist, β€œmy wife thinks I’m crazy because I like sausages.”

β€œThat’s nonsense,” said the psychiatrist. β€œI like sausages myself.”

β€œYou do!” the man shrieked. β€œYou should come and see my collection, I’ve got thousands!”

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Your mama so ugly the psychiatrist makes her lie face down.

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Psychiatrist: β€œWhat seems to be the problem?”

Patient: β€œI think I'm a chicken.”

Psychiatrist: β€œHow long has this been going on?”

Patient: β€œEver since I came out of my shell.”

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