Enjoy our team's carefully selected Profession Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
When does a farmer dance?
When he drops the beet.
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Why shouldn’t you hire a volleyball player to be your bartender?
The service may be excellent, but he’ll try to spike all the drinks.
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Some local engineers took a train for a service.
But the vicar said it was blocking the aisle.
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I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed.
He said, “I’m not sure; it’s hard to keep track.”
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What kind of ears do trains have?
Engin-eers.
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What do you call an Arabic dairy farmer?
A milk sheikh.
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Where do bowlers go when they need a new team shirt?
New Jersey.
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What excuse did the bowler give when he was accused of stealing?
“I was framed!”
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After hours of waiting for the bowling alley to open...
We finally got the ball rolling.
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Bowlers do not make good employees.
This is because 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
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Good bowlers always keep their minds out of the gutter.
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A policeman pulls a farmer over for speeding and proceeds to write him a ticket.
The farmer says, “Yeah, we call them that because we see them circling around the rear ends of horses.”
The policeman says, “Hmmm. Did you just call me a horse’s ass?”
The farmer says, “Oh, no sir, officer. I have way too much respect for those who serve in law enforcement to ever say such a thing.”
The policeman says, “Well, that’s a good thing, then.”
The farmer adds, “But it’s hard to fool those circle flies.”
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A monocle walks into a bar.
After a few drinks, he starts to feel pretty good (and a little uncoordinated). He reaches for a cigarette, but the bartender stops him.
“Sorry, buddy, but due to city ordinances we don’t allow smoking in here. You’ll have to step outside to smoke.”
So the monocle hops off the bar stool and grabs his cigarettes to head outside. Meanwhile, a second monocle emerges from the bathroom. They bump into each other as they cross paths and fall to the floor, hopelessly entangled.
They try to get free, but the more they struggle, the more tangled they become. The bartender looks down on this travesty and shakes his head.
“Hey, you two!” he shouts. “Stop making spectacles of yourselves!”
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. “How did Thanksgiving go at your place?” the bartender asks.
“Oh, it went fine. Had a lot of family over and the wife prepared the meal. I helped out, though. She got a little stressed out and told me she needed some peace and quiet in the kitchen so she could finish cooking,” the guy says. “So I removed all the batteries from the smoke detectors.”
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What is a bad bowler’s favorite holiday?
Thanksgiving because they finally get a turkey.
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What do you call bread baked by a poet?
Poet-rye.
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If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
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The barman in the pub looked over at me and said, “Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?”
“Why would I want two empty glasses?” I asked.
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I asked a window cleaner if he liked his job.
He said he could see himself doing windows every day.
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If you were to clean a vacuum, would you be a vacuum cleaner?
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When you clean a vacuum cleaner, you become a vacuum cleaner.
So if I show someone a shower, do I become a shower?
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Dev was a coder and wanted to marry a girl, but his parents opposed.
DEVELOPED.
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Why do programmers and coders hate nature?
It has too many bugs.
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Why didn’t the polite coder get hired?
The job required SASS.
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What does a coder do when he’s tired of life?
He writes byebyeworld.c.
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What did the coder say to his coder girlfriend?
You had me at “hello world”.
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Why do coders get Halloween confused with Christmas?
Because OCT 31 = DEC 25.
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I once saw a couple of coders get into a fight.
It was so vicious, they almost made physical contact.
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What is messy coder’s blood group?
Type O.
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Why do java coders wear glasses?
Because they don’t C#.
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A guy runs into a bar, and yells, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?”
The bartender says, “Three feet tall.”
The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”
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A man was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a bar for a drink.
Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.
As the man threw a few bucks into her cup, the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society, how it was the root of all the city’s problems.
Slightly annoyed at having to listen to the nun, the man told her, “Listen, sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn’t make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs, and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!”
The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, “I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you, but alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed...”
“Look there you go again,” said the man, “How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even tried alcohol?”
“Of course not!” gasped the nun, “The evil alcohol has never touched my lips.”
“Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?”
“Well, I really don’t know ...”
“I’ll tell you what, come into the bar with me, and I’ll buy you a drink. One drink. I’ll prove to you that evil is not inside the glass, it’s inside the person.”
“Oh, I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it’s out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you’ve aroused a curiosity in me.”
“Well, let’s go inside and settle this.”
“No, my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this? Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this scotch you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I’ll try it.”
“You’re on!” said the guy.
The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup.
He went into the bar and said to the bartender, “Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please.”
The bartender sighed and said, “Is that darn “nun” out there again?!”
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In their small village, a couple was famous for the husband being 102 years old and his wife being 98 years old, and both in terrific condition, working their farm every day and having the bodies of much younger people.
One day, a visitor to the village, curious about the couple, approached the old man at his farm. The old man was cutting wood without a shirt on, sweat glistening on a body that seemed to belong to a man half his age.
The visitor introduced himself and asked the old man, “I hear you are 102!”
“That’s correct,” said the old man with a smile.
“Wow, I must say, you look in amazing shape!”
“Thank you,” said the old man humbly.
“Do you mind if I ask...”
“How am I this healthy at my age?” finished the old man. “Help me carry this wood back home, and I’ll tell you.”
The visitor agrees and they make their way inside.
“You see,” said the old man, “I’ve been married for 75 years. Now, when we got married, I made a little arrangement with the wife. Every time we have an argument, the loser of said argument must run for 5 kilometers. Seeing as we have a pretty typical marriage, I’ve been running 5 kilometers almost every day for 75 years! That’s why I’m in the great shape I am.”
“But if that’s the case,” said the puzzled visitor, “how come your wife is in such great shape too?”
“Well,” smiled the old man, “she usually runs after me to make sure I finish the whole five.”
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What happens when a computer engineer fails flirting with a waitress?
Error in connecting to the server.
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What did the 30-year-old computer engineer say on his birthday?
“I’m just a byte older.”
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A farmer named Rick had a car accident.
In court, the trucking company’s lawyer was questioning Rick. “Didn’t you say, at the moment of the accident, ‘I’m fine’,” asked the lawyer?
Rick responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the...”
“I did not ask you for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine’?”
Rick said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer, and I was driving down the road.”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I’m trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time, the judge was fairly interested in Rick’s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie.”
Rick thanked the judge and proceeded. “Well, as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurting real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his rifle and shot her between the eyes.
Then the patrolman came across the road, rifle still in hand, looked at me and said ‘how are you feeling?’. Now, what the heck would YOU say?”
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A man sitting at a bar after work shares with the bartender why he is looking so stressed, “I’m not sleeping well. I have nightmares about a monster under my bed, and I am too embarrassed to seek help.”
A patron nearby overhears this and introduces himself, “I overheard your story, and I am a psychiatrist. Maybe I can help. The first thing is you recognize these are only dreams, and that is obvious, so I should be able to help you in a few sessions. Here’s my card, give me a call.”
A few weeks pass and the same two are once again at the bar after work.
The psychiatrist says to the other guy, “Hi, how goes the nightmares? I never heard from you, so I hope you are doing okay.”
The other guy says, “Things are great, the bartender helped me.”
Psychiatrist, “The bartender helped you? You needed a trained professional to help you, what possibly could a bartender do that a psychiatrist couldn’t?”
The other guy says, “He told me to saw the legs off my bed.”
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What do you call a farmer with a physical therapy degree?
A chirotractor.
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A group of engineers and computer scientists from the same university are attending a conference in the next town. They decide to take the train.
The engineers buy one ticket each. The computer scientists scratch their heads, pool their cash, and buy a single ticket.
The engineers think this is strange but watching computer scientists get in trouble should be fun.
The conductor comes around to get the tickets, and all the computer scientists disappear into the bathroom.
The conductor knocks on the bathroom door and says, “Ticket please.”
They slide the ticket under the door, pool their savings, have a few drinks and arrive at the conference in good form.
On the way home, the engineers buy a single ticket. The computer scientists pool their money and buy all the tickets except one. The engineers scratch their heads, but decide not to worry about it and head to the bar.
The conductor comes around, and the engineers pile into the bathroom.
The computer scientist without a ticket promptly walks over to the bathroom, knocks on the door and says, “Ticket please.”
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Yo daddy so bald Mr. Clean got jealous.
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What do you get when you cross a robot and a tractor?
A transfarmer.
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How did the farmer find his lost cow?
He tractor down.
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What do farmers use to make crop circles?
A pro-tractor.
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A farm boy accidentally overturned his tractor one day.
The farmer, who lived on the next farm, heard the noise and yelled over to the boy, “Hey Joe, don’t worry about it. Come in and have something to eat with us. I’ll help you get the tractor up later.”
“That’s mighty nice of you,” Joe replied, “But I don’t think Pa would like me to.”
“Aw, come on, boy,” the farmer insisted.
“Well, okay,” the boy finally agreed, and added, “But Pa won’t like it.”
After a hearty dinner, Joe thanked the neighbor for his hospitality and said, “I feel much better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset.”
“Don’t be silly!” the neighbor said with a smile. “By the way, where is he?”
Joe said, “Under the tractor.”
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A farmer was driving along the road with a load of fertilizer.
A little boy playing in front of his house saw him and called, “What’ve you got in your truck?”
“Fertilizer,” the farmer replied.
“What are you going to do with it?” asked the little boy.
“Put it on strawberries,” answered the farmer.
“You ought to live here,” the little boy advised him. “We put sugar and cream on ours!”
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What is the definition of a farmer?
Someone is good in their field.
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What did the farmer say to his workers on Labor Day?
“I don’t carrot all, take the day off and lettuce celebrate!”
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A cricketer walks into a hospital with blood pouring out of his eyes.
The doctor says, “Ebola?”
And the cricketer replies, “Nah, I’m a batsman.”
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Four men at a bar discuss the most difficult sport to play.
The first man, wide as a dishwasher and having huge muscles all over, says, “I’m a football player, it’s the hardest sport in the world to play! You’ve gotta be in top physical condition and have excellent situational awareness.”
The second man, an older gentleman wearing a collared shirt, says, “Sorry champ, but the actual hardest sport to play is golf. Every swing of the club is a calculated symphony of body mechanics; the mental fortitude you need is unreal!”
The third man, adorned in a gray peacoat, says, “Gentleman, I have played in chess tournaments across 3 continents, and I can assure you that chess is the most difficult sport of all. You need to memorize and recall 30,000 moves before you can even face a college team!”
They all drink and then turn their attention to the fourth man who had baggy eyes and calloused fingers.
The football player says, “What do you do?”
The man replies, “Well I’m a cricket player.”
“I’m sure you think cricket is the hardest thing to play then?”
The man says, “You bet it is! Do you know how hard it is to get those things to chirp in key?”
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Who is the best cricket player?
Batman.
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Some wise guys show a civil engineer an 8 ounce glass with 4 ounces of water in it.
They ask him the age old question, “Is the glass half empty or half full?”
The civil engineer responds, “The glass is twice as big as it needs to be.”
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A female civil engineer is doing a field survey and finds a talking frog.
“Kiss me and I’ll turn into a prince and marry you,” it says.
The engineer excitedly picks up the frog and continues with her job. And she doesn’t kiss it.
Finally the frog asks, “Aren’t you going to kiss me?”
She says, “What? No. I don’t have time to be with a prince. But a talking frog—that’s a keeper!”
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What do you call the child of a civil engineer?
A truss fund baby.
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You might be a civil engineer if you think that when people around you yawn, it’s because they did not get enough sleep.
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What’s the difference between a doctor and a civil engineer?
A doctor kills people one at a time.
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What’s the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons, civil engineers build targets.
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Sometimes it pays to stay in bed on Monday.
Rather than spending the rest of the week debugging Monday’s code.
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My father was an Allied war hero. He single-handedly destroyed 4 Messerschmitts, 9 Heinkel bombers, and 11 Stuka dive bombers.
He was the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
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What is the common thing between an entrepreneur and a suicide bomber?
Do the job well on the first try and they are set for life.
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How do you call a suicide bomber with Tourette’s?
A ticking time bomb.
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How do you know all suicide bombers self identify as being old?
They are all boomers in the end.
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Why are jokes about suicide bombers are not funny.
Well for starters, their delivery is just everywhere.
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Did you hear about the influencer who became a suicide bomber?
At first he had barely any followers, but then he blew up.
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What do you call a suicide bomber that can tell the future?
A tarot-ist.
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An F-15 pilot was assigned to escort an aged B-52 Bomber
Being a bit bored he started executing loops and rolls, never worried about being able to catch up to his lumbering charge.
He got on the radio to boast to the BUFF pilot, “Ha! Anything you can do, I can do better!”
The bomber pilot replies, “Oh, yeah? Let’s see you do this!” and keeps flying straight and level.
The fighter jock asks, “Um... What did you do?”
The B-52 pilot says, “I just shut down two engines.”
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What’s suicide bombers’ biggest fear?
Dying alone.
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A suicide bomber instructor says to his trainees, “Alright men, I’m only going to show you this once”.
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Where do suicide bombers go after they die?
Everywhere!
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What’s the difference between an architect and an engineer?
If architects built all the buildings, they would fall down on their own.
If engineers built all the buildings, they’d be so ugly, we’d tear them all down.
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A teacher walks into a bar with his friends on Teachers’ Day evening and says, “Can I have a beer.”
The barman says, “I don’t know, can you?”
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On the occasion of Teachers’ Day, the teacher was having a casual chat with his students.
Teacher: “Neil, what do you want to be when you grow up?”
Neil: “Sir, I want to be just like you.”
Teacher, impressed: “And why is that?”
Neil: “Because even I love doing nothing.”
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On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
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A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink.
“Why of course”, comes the reply.
The first man then asks, “Where are you from?”
“I’m from Scotland”, replies the second man.
The first man responds, “You don’t say, I’m from Scotland too! Let’s have another round to Scotland.”
“Of Course”, replies the second man.
Curious, the first man then asks, “Where in Scotland are you from?”
“Aberdeen”, comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it”, says the first man. “I’m from Aberdeen too! Let’s have another drink to Aberdeen.”
“Of course”, replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks, “What school did you go to?”
“Saint Andrews”, replies the second man. “I graduated in ’62.”
“This is unbelievable!”, the first man says. “I went to Saint Andrew’s and graduated in ’62, too!”
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar.
“What’s been going on?”, he asks the bartender.
“Nothing much,” replies the bartender. “The MacClyde twins are drunk again.”
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Two Karens are out for lunch.
The waiter approaches them and asks, “Is anything OK?”
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Why do Java developers wear glasses?
Because they can’t C#.
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The internet connection at my farm was really sketchy, so I moved the modem to the barn.
Now I have stable wifi.
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A hunter shoots a flying goose one day.
Proud of his hit he walks to fetch it only to see a farmer waiting for him, holding the goose.
“Sorry sir, this goose is mine. I shot it,” explains the hunter.
The farmer replies with a smirk, “But it landed on my property, so it’s mine.”
“Excuse me? You can’t just take what’s mine! Hand it over, right now!” The hunter is clearly angry.
The farmer’s grin gets bigger.
“Alright alright,” the farmer says calmingly. “Let’s settle this with a simple game we use around here to resolve an argument. The winner will keep the goose. The rules are simple. I’ll kick you in the nuts and see how much time it takes you to recover. Then you’ll do the same to me. Whoever recovers faster is the winner.”
The hunter, provoked and angry, agrees immediately.
The two get ready, the farmer kicks first. He takes a full swing and hits the hunter right between the legs.
The hunter nearly blacks out. A moment passes before he screams in agonizing pain, holding his crotch. His knees give in and he falls face-first onto the ground.
Time passes and the hunter does his best to endure the pain and get back up.
Eventually, still in pain, the hunter gets back onto his feet.
With teary eyes and a sore throat he says, “Now it’s my turn!”
The farmer looks at him smiling, shakes his head and goes, “Nah, man, It’s fine, you can have it. Here’s the goose, I didn’t want it anyway,” and walks off, laughing out loud.
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A gnome walks into a bar and the bartender starts a tab for him. The gnome keeps pounding them away, one after the other.
After a few hours, the gnome decides to call it a night.
The bartender hands him his tab when the gnome realizes he left his wallet at home.
He turns to the bartender and says, “Sorry, I’m a little short.”
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What do you call a red-haired baker?
The ginger bread man.
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Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.
One said, “It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints.”
Another said, “No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections.”
The last said, “Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?”
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How many Apple engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.
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What is a software developer?
A person who does precision guesswork based on unreliable data provided by those with questionable knowledge.
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What did the Java code say to the C code?
You’ve got no class.
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A computer software developer asks God, “Where will I go after I die?”
God: “Onto a DAT tape and into offline storage.”
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What is software?
It’s the part of a computer you can’t hit.
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A web developer walks into a restaurant.
He immediately leaves in disgust as the restaurant was laid out in tables.
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Why did the developer use a credit card to buy all the gifts?
Becuase he had cleared all his cache.
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What happens when developers ask a silly question?
They get a silly ANSI.
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Why did the Java developer quit his job?
Because he didn’t get arrays.
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Why did the Java developer teach his young kids about single quotes?
Because they build character.
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How many developers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. It’s a hardware problem.
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A man walked into a Florida bar with his crocodile and asked the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?”
Bartender: “Sure.”
Man: “Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my crocodile.”
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A young cricketer was proud of his progress as a batsman and invited his mother-in-law along to watch him play, hoping to impress her.
At the crease, he turned to the wicketkeeper and said, “I’m anxious to do well and really hit this ball. That’s my wife’s mother over there.”
“Don’t be silly,” said the wicketkeeper. “You’ll never hit her from here.”
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I recently played in a Star Wars themed cricket match.
Every time the ball was delivered the umpire struck back.
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A crab walks into a bar.
The barman says, “I can’t serve you mate, you’re already walking sideways.”
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I asked the waiter, “Do you serve crabs here?”
He said, “Take a seat. We serve everybody.”
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I bought a chessboard cake from the baker’s today.
I took one bite and said, “It’s stale, mate.”
He seemed surprised and said, “No, mate.”
I handed it to him and said, “Check mate.”
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A brain walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint of beer please.”
The barman looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asks the brain.
“You’re already out of your head.”
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Did you hear about the baker who robbed a bank?
He came in with buns glazing.
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I lost my job as a baker when I made a customer violently choke.
It was my manager’s fault for telling me to put my hair in a bun.
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An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet. As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.
He rushes to the phone and calls 911.
“I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!”
“Okay sir, we have dispatched officers, they should be there in about an hour.”
“An hour?! But they’ll be long gone by then!”
“I’m sorry, sir, but there are no officers in your area.”
The farmer hangs up angrily, waits 10 minutes and then calls 911 again.
“Hi, it’s me again. Don’t worry about sending those cops, I’ve just shot the robbers,” and he hangs up.
Less then 10 minutes later, three cop cars and a helicopter arrive and the robbers are arrested.
The sergeant goes up to the house and bangs on the door. The farmer opens it in his dressing gown and holding a cup of tea.
“What’s going on here!? You said you shot the robbers!”
“You said there were no officers in my area.”
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A blind man visits Texas.
When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed, “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop.
The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge bar stool and orders a beer.
A mug is placed between his hands, “Wow, these drinks are big!”
The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”
After downing a few drinks, the blind man asks where the bathroom is.
“Second door to the right,” says the bartender.
The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in.
Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
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A man runs into a bar and shouts, “Quick! How tall is a penguin?!”
The bartender says, “Depends. Less than 3 feet.”
The man cries out, “Oh my God! I just drove over a nun!”
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What do farmers give their wives on Valentine’s Day?
Hogs and kisses.
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I asked my friend if he’d bought his wife a gift for Valentine’s Day.
He’s a bit of a chauvinist pig, so he surprised me when he replied, “Yeah, I’ve got her a belt and a bag.”
I said, “That’s very thoughtful of you. I hope she appreciates it.”
He said, “So do I. And hopefully the vacuum cleaner will work much better now.”
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A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.
“How’s the New Year’s resolution coming?” the bartender asks.
“Great, I went to the gym today and I already lost 10 pounds,” the guy replies. “Seriously, I have no idea where I misplaced those weights.”
😄 😄 😄
If a baker assaults somebody with a baguette...
Can he be charged with assault with a breadly weapon?
😄 😄 😄
What’s the lazy baker’s favorite recipe?
Loaf bread.
😄 😄 😄
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, “Why have you got a fried egg on your head?”
The man replies, “Because boiled eggs fall off.”
😄 😄 😄
An aristocrat, his chef and chief engineer were set to be executed during the French Revolution.
The aristocrat is brought to the guillotine and said, “I am not afraid of my mortality. I refuse a blindfold and I wish to be face up, so I can look death straight in the eyes!”
The executioner accepted this request, placed the man in the guillotine and pulled the lever... but nothing happened! The blade did not drop! It was declared an act of God and proof of his innocence, and he was released.
The chef is brought to the guillotine and requests to be beheaded face up as well. And again, when the executioner pulled the lever, the blade remained motionless! The chef was released and joined his master.
Finally, the engineer is brought to the executioner. He, too, requests to lie supine.
As the executioner is about to pull the lever, the engineer exclaims, “OH! I see your problem!”
😄 😄 😄
A farmer has transported his watermelons to a roadside stand to sell.
At the end of the day there are a couple hundred left, and he isn’t looking forward to the tedious process of loading them back on the truck, taking them back to the farm, then reversing the process the next morning.
He comes up with a labor-saving solution: Next to the bin where his melons are carefully arranged, he places a large sign saying “ONE OF THESE IS POISONED”.
Reassured, he goes home to sleep.
In the morning, he comes back to find that someone has written on his sign “Now there are two”.
😄 😄 😄
I’ve been going to the gym for five years now, and I still don’t have abs.
It sucks being the cleaner.
😄 😄 😄
Two hunters are walking along in the deep of autumn, stalking a buck, when they come across a clean-cut, 10-ft diameter hole, that goes too deep to see the bottom.
“A sinkhole?” one hunter asks, “How deep does this go?”
The other shrugs.
The first hunter looks around and finds a stick, drops it down the ten-foot hole, and leans over trying to hear it hit the bottom of the hole.
They pause for a moment in silence, but hear nothing.
“Something heavier,” they agree.
The second hunter finds a rock about the size of a softball and drops it down as well, leaning over trying to hear it.
They pause for a moment in silence, but hear nothing.
Just as the second hunter turns around, the first finds a cinder block. They nod, thinking surely this will be heavy enough to make a noise as it hits the bottom.
They both heave the cinder block down the clean-cut, ten-foot, seemingly bottomless pit. They lean over, just as before, cupping their hands around their ears.
Suddenly, a loud racket comes up from behind them. They both dodge out of the way as a brown goat sprints past them, nearly knocking them in, and dives headfirst down the hole, into the darkness below.
Shocked at this occurrence, both hunters agree to speak to the owner of the land they’d been on. They find the farmer’s house and knock on her door.
When she answers, both of them attempt to explain what had happened.
“We found this ten-foot hole about a quarter mile that way,” one said. “It’s clean-cut and we couldn’t tell how deep it was. We dropped a stick and didn’t hear anything, we tried a rock too and didn’t hear anything either. Then this goat came barreling past us, nearly knocked us in, and dove straight down.”
The farmer looked puzzled.
“Was it a brown goat?” she asked.
The two hunters nodded, and the farmer shook her head.
“That’s impossible, I had him tied to a cinder block.”
😄 😄 😄
A man drove by a farm every day on his way to work, and he always saw a pig in the front yard.
One morning on his way in, he noticed the pig had a wooden leg. It was odd, but he put it out of his mind.
A couple of weeks later, he saw the pig had a second wooden leg. No longer able to contain his curiosity, we stopped by the next day on his way home and knocked on the farmer’s door.
An old man answered, and he asked him about the pig with the wooden legs. The old man thought for a few minutes before answering.
“Well, son, let me tell you about this here pig.
One day I was out plowing in the back forty, and my tractor hit a rut. It tipped over and trapped me under it. I was pinned down and slowly pushed into the mud, where I knew I was going to be smothered and die.
This pig saw what happened, ran back to the farm, and made a huge ruckus. Then, when people came out to see what was going on, he led them to me.
Yep, that pig saved my life that day.”
The man agreed that was an amazing story, but he still didn’t understand about the wooden legs.
The old farmer thought some more, then told him another story.
“Well, a couple of nights ago, my wife and I were sleeping in the house when the barn caught fire. The wind was kicking up, and it was spreading to the main house.
If it weren’t for that there pig banging on the windows and squealing and raising Cain, we would have died in that fire.
Pig saved our lives, no doubt about it.”
The man was flabbergasted, “Sir, I will grant you that is a marvelous animal, but I still don’t understand why it has two wooden legs?”
The old farmer looked out into the yard and nodded to the pig, “Son, you must be a city boy, because everybody knows a pig that good, you don’t eat all at once.”
😄 😄 😄
“Got any crackers?” asked the duck of the bartender.
The bartender replies, “No, get out of here!”
The duck returns after a few minutes and asks, “Got any crackers?”
The bartender yells, “No! If you ask me again, I’m gonna nail your beak shut!”
The duck returns in a half hour, “Got any nails?”
Bartender: “NO! Get out of here!”
Duck: “Got any crackers?”
😄 😄 😄
An old Fiat breaks down on a remote road
The driver discovers he has no service and can’t call for help. Just as he starts walking, a shiny new BMW stops next to him.
“Hey man, having car trouble?” the driver asks.
“I’m afraid so,” the driver of the Fiat answers.
“Tell you what, my car is strong enough, I’ll tow you to the nearest garage,” says the BMW driver.
The Fiat driver is overjoyed at this and together they couple the little hatchback to the BMW using a rope.
As the BMW driver gets in, the Fiat driver asks him something, “This is an old car, so please drive carefully.”
The BMW driver nods his head, “Just honk if I’m going too fast.” With that, he gets in and they drive away.
They drive for a while, when suddenly a Porsche races by them. The BMW driver doesn’t like this blow to his ego at all and starts chasing down the Porsche.
As they race down the road, they pass a farm.
The farmer looks at the spectacle and walks inside.
“What’s the matter with you? You look like you’ve seen a ghost,” his wife says.
The farmer replies, “I just saw a BMW and Porsche racing, and an old Fiat honking to get past.”
😄 😄 😄
Two elderly farmers were reminiscing about the good old days.
“When I had my ranch, I could get up in the morning, get in my old Chevy truck, and drive all day, and still be on my property,” says the Texas farmer.
The old farmer from Kentucky said, “Yeah, I had a truck like that once too... You should have got a Ford, hell. They’ll get ya all the way ta town and back!”
😄 😄 😄
A mechanical engineer, a software engineer and a purchasing agent are on their way to an industry event when their rental car gets a flat tire.
The purchasing agent says, “We need to buy a new tire.”
The mechanical engineer says, “No, I think I can fix this one.”
And the software engineer says, “Let’s drive on it for a while, maybe it’ll fix itself.”
😄 😄 😄
A farmer goes to the bank for a loan. He needs money to lay in his annual crop of peanuts. Times have been hard and he’s hopeful the bank will lend him the funds to buy seed and hopefully, he can get a good crop.
The banker apologizes and explains that, although many farmers have asked, peanuts crops have been so poor that the bank is simply unwilling to loan to anyone planning to plant peanuts. However, the banker says, the bank is willing to loan on other crops. The banker recommends sunflowers.
The farmer is devastated, but eventually agrees to give sunflowers a try. Anything to get the loan and get some seed in the ground, he says.
At harvest time, another farmer asks how the sunflowers worked out.
The farmer admits that they’ve done very well—so well that he expects to be able to pay back the bank, put money away for the winter and even, possibly, have money left over for next year’s peanuts!
😄 😄 😄
A guy walks into a bar, grabs a seat, and orders a whiskey double, neat.
The bartender prepares his drink with great delicacy and brings it right over.
The gentleman reaches into his blazer, searching frantically. This catches the bartender’s attention, so he monitors the patron out of the corner of his eye.
Finally, the man finds what he’s looking for and sighs a sigh of relief. He pulls out a straw and takes a sip of his whiskey.
The perplexed bartender grabs his attention, “I’m terribly sorry sir, was your glass dirty?”
To which the man replies surprised, “Oh no no everything’s fine! I just promised my wife I’d never put my lips on another glass of whiskey again.”
😄 😄 😄
A man walks into a bar, then goes to the bathroom. He comes out, goes to the bartender.
He says, “You’ve got a great place, but my buddy was here last night, and he said you have golden urinals. Where are they?” The bartender turns to the band and yells, “Frank, I’ve got a lead on the guy who ruined your sax!”
😄 😄 😄
A guy was in a bar drinking beer.
He would finish his beer, pull out his wallet and look at a picture of his wife, order another beer, take out his wallet, and look at a picture of his wife.
He did this several times. Finally, the bartender asks, why after you finish a beer you take out your wallet and look at a picture of your wife.
The guy says, “As soon as she starts looking better to me, I go home.”
😄 😄 😄
Two friends are walking their dogs together. One has a big black lab, while the other has a minuscule chihuahua.
They pass a bar and the lab owner says, “Let’s get a beer.”
The chihuahua walker complains, “That would be great, but we can’t take our dogs in there.”
The first responds, “Watch me.”
The lab owner strolls in with her dog and orders a beer.
The bartender tells her, “Sorry, you can’t bring your dog in here.”
“He’s my seeing-eye dog,” the woman replies, feigning offense.
The bartender quickly apologizes and serves her the beer.
The other woman follows, her chihuahua in tow, and orders a beer as well.
Again the bartender says there are no dogs allowed in the bar.
“He’s my seeing-eye dog,” the woman replies.
“Yeah, right,” the bartender says, “A chihuahua? Give me a break.”
Without missing a beat, the woman replies, “They gave me a chihuahua?!”
😄 😄 😄
The guy goes into a pub.
He orders 7 pints of beer. He drinks the first pint, the third pint, the 5th and the 7th pint, and gets up to leave.
The barman says, “Why are you not drinking the other three pints?”
He says, “Doctors orders.”
“What do you mean by that?” asks the barman.”
“I am on medication and my doctor said to me the odd pint is okay.”
😄 😄 😄
A hot dog and a hamburger walk into a bar.
The bartender immediately tells them, “I’m sorry, but we don’t serve food here.”
😄 😄 😄
Why do the Avengers keep calling Spider-Man over to fix their computer?
Because they heard he’s a web developer.
😄 😄 😄
Have you ever seen how they throw the ball into the crowd after winning the game?
I found out that this is frowned upon in bowling.
😄 😄 😄
I went bowling once. I threw the ball down the lane and got a strike.
The result was that I am now banned from the swimming pool.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the man reach the bowling alley before his friends?
To get the ball rolling.
😄 😄 😄
I wanted to go bowling, but the pins were on strike.
😄 😄 😄
Thought I would be fine having another drink. Woke up later in an alley.
Then, the bowling ball hit me.
😄 😄 😄
A mathematician, and physicist, and an engineer are asked to find the volume of a red rubber ball.
The mathematician knows that the volume of a sphere has been mathematically determined so he measures the radius and puts it into the proper formula.
The physicist knows that Archimedes discovered how to determine the volume of an object so they submerge it in water and record the change in water level.
The engineer finds the number on the ball then pulls out their book of red rubber balls and finds its specifications.
😄 😄 😄
A guy walked into a bar with a monkey.
The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.
Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.
He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the balls.
To everyone’s amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.
The bartender looked at the guy and said, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”
“No, what?”
“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table – whole!”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy, “He eats everything in sight, don’t worry, I’ll pay for the cue ball.”
The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the monkey ate, and left.
Two weeks later the guy came back and had his monkey with him.
He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar.
The monkey found a cherry on the bar.
He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.
Then the monkey found a peanut and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it.
The bartender asked, “Did you see what that filthy ape just did?”
“No, what?” asked the man.
“Well, he stuck both a cherry and a peanut up his arse, then he pulled them out and ate them.”
“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. “He’ll eat anything, but ever since he had to take out that cue ball, he measures everything first.”
😄 😄 😄
A lawyer, a priest, and an engineer meet each week for a game of golf.
One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt.
Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find the manager.
“What’s with that group of players? They’re the worst I’ve ever seen! They’re holding up the course!”
The manager looks sheepish, “They’re retired firefighters, they lost their eyesight running into a burning orphanage to save the children. They love golf, so I let them play for free for charity.”
The priest looks ashamed of himself, “As a man of God, I feel terrible for getting angry at those men. At my next sermon, I’ll see if I can get a collection going for their families.”
The lawyer likewise looks chagrined, “Same here, I’ll check with my firm and see if we can’t open a case to get them awarded restitution for their pain and injuries.”
The engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the cow jump over the Harvest Moon?
Because the farmer had cold hands!
😄 😄 😄
It’s so hot that farmers are feeding ice to the chickens so they won’t lay boiled eggs.
😄 😄 😄
A guy goes into a bar in the middle of the day.
It’s quiet and practically deserted. He sits alone, thinking about the twists and turns his life has taken.
He hears a soft voice: “Nice tie.”
He looks around, but he doesn’t see anyone.
The voice speaks again: “Great haircut.” A few moments later: “Congratulations on your promotion.”
He waves over to the bartender to ask her if she hears anything.
The bartender says, “That’s the pretzels, they’re complimentary.”
😄 😄 😄
A man walks into a bar sporting the worst haircut you’ve ever seen.
“Give me two shots of Jack Daniels,” he says to the bartender. “One for me, and one for you.”
“You know, I don’t drink on the job,” the bartender says, pouring the man a shot.
Downing the drink, the man replies, “And that’s why I like you better than my barber!”
😄 😄 😄
An alien spacecraft lands in a rice paddy in rural Japan and out comes a silver-suited alien, who floats over to an old rice farmer standing in amazement.
“Human creature,” the alien bellows, “we last visited your planet a hundred thousand of your earth years ago. Tell us how you have evolved since then.”
The old man recovers himself, thinks for a moment and says, “Well, way back a long time ago, we were a crude bunch, no doubt. We’d take any old stick and walk down to the seashore, looking for something to eat. When we saw something, stab out came the stick, right through the fish or crab or urchin or whatever, and we’d eat it right off the stick.”
“That is truly a primitive state and in accordance with our records. But how have you evolved?”
“Oh, nowadays we use two sticks.”
😄 😄 😄
A doctor and an engineer went into a chocolate store.
As they were busy looking around, doctor stole 3 chocolate bars.
As they left the store, the doctor said to the engineer, “Man! I’m the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolates and no one saw me. You can’t beat that!”
The engineer replied, “You wanna see something better? Let’s go back to the shop and I’ll show you real stealing.”
So they went to the counter and the engineer said to the shop boy, “Do you wanna see magic?”
The shop boy replied, “Yes!!!”
The engineer said, “Give me one chocolate bar.”
The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it.
Then he asked for a second, and he ate that as well.
Finally, he asked for the third and finished that one too.
The shop boy asked, “But where’s the magic?”
The engineer replied, “Check in my friend’s pocket, and you’ll find them!”
😄 😄 😄
A bearded man walks into a bar, “Everybody’s drinks are on me tonight!”
He then drank his beer, went to the restroom, and shaved his beard.
later he went to the bartender and asked, “How much should I pay?”
“No, sir, a bearded gentleman has paid for your drink tonight.”
“Ok,” and he left.
😄 😄 😄
A Vietnamese farmer was working in the rice paddy field when he sees his son running to him.
“Father, father look,” the kid points to a newspaper and says excitedly. “The Americans have gone to the moon.”
The farmer drops his plow and asks excitedly, “All of them?”
“No, just 3,” replies the kid.
“Damn it!” The father shakes his head in disappointment and goes back to the field.
😄 😄 😄
Who is the first farmer to walk on the moon?
Neil Farmstrong.
😄 😄 😄
What did the sign on the baker’s door read when she wanted to be alone?
Donut disturb.
😄 😄 😄
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
😄 😄 😄
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
😄 😄 😄
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
He got tired of the HOLE business.
😄 😄 😄
Why did the cops arrest the donut baker?
He was caught pinching the salt.
😄 😄 😄
My mom’s sister is good at cleaning stuff, especially any stinky laundry.
We call her a deodor-aunt.
😄 😄 😄
An anteater walks into a bar.
“Having a nice day?” asks the barman.
“Noooooooo, noooooo, noooooo!” says the anteater.
“Why the long nos?” asks the barman.
“It’s always been like this,” says the anteater.
😄 😄 😄
So a mushroom walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve mushrooms here. You’re always ruining jokes.”
The mushroom says, “Come on. I’m a fun-gi.”
😄 😄 😄
I always wanted a life like a Disney princess.
I should have specified not the part where they are stuck at home, cleaning the whole day.
😄 😄 😄
The house cleaner told me that she was going to start working from home, so she sent me a list of chores.
😄 😄 😄
One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.
The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, “Who owns the property?”
The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.
The officer says, “I’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.”
The old gentleman says, “Well, you go right ahead, but whatever you do, don’t go into that field over yonder,” pointing out a fenced parcel of land.
The officer says, “Mister, I’m a law enforcement officer authorized by the federal government of our nation.”
Reaching into his pocket, he removes his badge and shoves it right in the old boy’s face, “You see my badge, buddy? This badge means that I’m allowed to go wherever I wish, anytime I wish. Do you understand me? No questions asked.”
The old gentleman nodded his head yes politely, softly apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old gentleman heard someone screaming in absolute terror, coming from where he’d told the officer not to go.
He looked over at the pasture and saw the officer running for his life, chased by a very angry bull.
With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it appeared likely that the policeman would be gored by the bull’s horns before he could reach safety.
Realizing the horrible danger that the policeman was in, the old gentleman ran to the field’s fence as fast as he could, determined to do whatever he could to help.
Reaching the edge of the pasture, the old gentleman quickly climbed to the top of the fence, waving his arms frantically, and screamed at the very top of his voice, “Your badge, officer, show him your BADGE!”
😄 😄 😄
A blonde buys two horses and she can’t tell them apart.
So she asks the farmer next door what to do. He says to cut one of their tails off.
So she does. But then the other horse’s tail gets caught in a bush and rips off.
So she can’t tell them apart again.
She asks the farmer for advice a second time. He tells her to cut one of the horses’ ears.
So she does. But then the other horse gets its ear ripped in a barbed wire fence. She is still confused.
She asks the farmer what to do. He tells her to measure them.
She comes back and says, “The white horse is 2 inches taller than the black horse!”
😄 😄 😄
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says, “Hey.”
The horse said, “Nah, just beer, please. I just ate.”
😄 😄 😄
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender asked him, “Why the long face?”
😄 😄 😄
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “And what starting salary are you looking for?”
The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”
The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?”
The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow! Are you kidding?”
The interviewer replies, “Yeah, but you started it.”
😄 😄 😄
Every Friday a guy would walk into a bar and order 3 beers.
Then he’d sit at a table, drink each one by himself and leave.
He does this every Friday for a few weeks until the bartender becomes so curious he has to ask the guy about this routine.
“Well, you see I have two buddies and we always would have a beer with each other when we were together. But now they’ve both moved to different parts of the country.
We still keep up the tradition, where we’re at, and have just one beer for each of us on Friday nights.”
His curiosity satisfied the bartender goes back to serving his other customers.
This goes on for several months until one day the guy comes in and orders only 2 beers.
Seeing how sad the fellow is the bartender brings him his 2 beers and offers condolences for his loss.
Confused the guy asks why the bartender was offering condolences.
“It’s just that since you normally order 3 beers, but tonight you only ordered 2, I just figured something must have happened to one of your buddies.”
“Oh no, we’re all just fine. It’s just that it’s Lent and I gave up drinking till Easter.”
😄 😄 😄
A farmer plays a prank on Easter Sunday.
After the egg hunt, he sneaks into the chicken coop and replaces every white egg with a brightly colored one.
Minutes later, the rooster walks in.
He spots the colored eggs, then storms out and beats up the peacock.
😄 😄 😄
An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic.
He puts a sign outside the clinic “A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500, we’ll pay you $1,000 if we fail”.
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: “I have lost my sense of taste.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “This is Gasoline!”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “But that is Gasoline!”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 11 and put 3 drops in the patient’s eyes.”
The nurse walks in carrying box 22.
Doctor: “Wait, that’s the box with the gasoline in it!”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your vision back! That will be $500.”
😄 😄 😄
Me: “What’s the Wi-Fi password?”
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.”
Me: “OK, I’ll have a Coke.”
Bartender: “Three dollars.”
Me: “There you go. So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?”
Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.”
😄 😄 😄
So a five-dollar bill walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey, this is a singles bar.”
😄 😄 😄
Bula decides it’s time to become a businessman, so after reading many chicken jokes, it seems like a chicken farm would be the best idea.
Said and done. First, buy 100 chickens, after the second month another 100, and keep it for a whole year.
After a year, at the New Year’s Eve party, he meets Johnny, who used to say the best chicken jokes before.
Johnny: “Well, how’s the business going?”
Bula: “Bad brother, sorry about everything!”
Johnny: “Why?”
Bula: “I don’t have any chickens anymore!”
Johnny: “Good god, why?”
Bula: “If I know, I think I’m doing something wrong. Either I plant them too deeply or don’t water them enough, but one doesn’t raise the hen.”
😄 😄 😄
A chicken and an egg walk into a bar.
The barman says, “Who’s first?”
😄 😄 😄
How does the German baker greet his customers?
Gluten Morgen!
😄 😄 😄
