Poop Jokes: Funny and Hilarious!



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Poop Jokes


Important Announcement:

In light of the rising frequency of human and grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field.

They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren’t expecting them.

They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung:

1. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur.

2. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

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Why do so many people like to do word puzzles in the bathroom?

Because it’s the best place for a vowel movement.

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What is the definition of bravery?

A man with diarrhea chancing a fart.

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What’s the definition of a surprise?

A fart with a lump in it.

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An Indian walks into a cafΓ© with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.

He says to the waiter, β€œMe want coffee.”

The waiter says, β€œSure chief, coming right up.”

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket of manure, throws it into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning, the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.

He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, β€œMe want coffee.”

The waiter says, β€œWhoa, Tonto. We’re still cleaning up your mess from the last time you were here. What the heck was that all about, anyway?”

The Indian smiles and proudly says, β€œMe in training for upper management: come in, drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for the rest of the day.”

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A guy walks into the doctor’s office and says, β€œDoc, I haven’t had a bowel movement in a week!”

The doctor gives him a prescription for a mild laxative and tells him, β€œIf it doesn’t work, let me know.”

A week later, the guy is back, β€œDoc, still no movement!”

The doctor says, β€œHmm, guess you need something stronger,” and prescribes a powerful laxative.

Still another week later, the poor guy is back, β€œDoc, STILL nothing!”

The doctor, worried, says, β€œWe’d better get some more information about you to try to figure out what’s going on. What do you do for a living?”

β€œI’m a musician, I play the drums.”

The doctor looks up and says, β€œWell, that’s it! Here’s $10. Go get something to eat!”

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On the day my friends were hosting my birthday celebration, I had diarrhea.

I was a party pooper.

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I was having random bouts of diarrhea but I couldn’t figure out what was causing it.

Then I started keeping track.

I realized it was only happening when I would wear those polo shirts with the little alligator stitched on them.

Turns out I’m Lacoste intolerant.

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What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?

A Salad Shooter.

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What do you give an elephant with diarrhea?

Plenty of room.

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From now on, I will avoid food that gives me diarrhea.

It’s a solid plan.

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What do diarrhea and eye colour have in common?

It runs in your genes.

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My mother-in-law has a massive case of diarrhea.

She won’t find out until she unpacks her luggage.

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What’s faster: lightning, light, or diarrhea?

Diarrhea. Because I ran like lightning to the bathroom, turned on the light, but the diarrhea was already there.

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First friend: β€œI poop every morning at 8 a.m.”

Second friend: β€œHey, it’s good to be regular. What’s the problem?”

First friend, β€œI wake up at 9 a.m.”

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You never really appreciate what you’ve got until it’s gone.

Toilet paper is a good example.

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Politicians are like diapers.

They need to be changed often, and for the same reasons.

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Children are like farts.

Your own are just about bearable, but everyone else’s are horrendous.

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They said pooping is a call of nature.

So is farting a missed call?

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œI did up.”

β€œI did up, who?”

β€œEww, you did a poo?”

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Knock! Knock!

β€œWho’s there?”

β€œI eep.”

β€œI eep, who?”

β€œGross, you eat poo?!”

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Why hasn’t anyone ever seen ghost poop?

Because it’s invisible.

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Where does Spider-Man poop?

Web-ever he wants.

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Yo mama so fat she pooped out the Death Star!

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Yo mama so dumb she thought Call of Duty was a game about pooping.

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NASA sent a probe to all of the planets in our solar system but quit after Uranus...

They found it to be a poophole.

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What is blue and lies under a mushroom?

Smurf poop.

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Chuck Norris eats gummy bears and poops out grizzly bears.

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Chuck Norris once ate a Rubik’s Cube and pooped it out solved.

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