Police Officer Jokes



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Police Officer Jokes


Why did the police officers arrest the blue crayon?

Because it was in the blue.

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It is the middle of the night and Laura wakes up to find that her husband is out of bed.

She dresses in her robe and goes downstairs to find him sitting in front of a turned off TV, holding a cup of coffee and looking into the distance, lost in some sad thought.

“What’s the matter, honey?” she asks. “Why the heck are you down here at this hour?”

Her husband looks up at her, “Do you remember when we started dating, when you were just 17?”

“Sure,” she answers, puzzled.

Her husband groaned in sadness, “And do you remember when your father the sheriff caught us fooling around?”

Wife: “Yes, of course.”

“And do you remember how he shoved his shotgun in my face and said ‘You either marry her or I’ll put you in jail for 20 years!’?”

“Yea I do, why are you so nostalgic all of a sudden?!” she demanded to know.

The husband wiped a tear from his cheek and said,“It’s just... I would have been out today.”

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A sloth named Herman is walking through the forest one day.

A gang of snails approaches him and beats him up.

Herman is left at the bottom of a tree with several cuts and bruises. Several hours later he gathers up enough strength to go to a local police station.

Herman walks into the Sergeant’s office.

“What happened to you? the officer asks.

“A gang of snails beat me up,” Herman replied.

“Can you describe what they looked like?”

“I don’t know,” the sloth says. “It all happened so fast.”

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One fine day Ole decided to take Lena for a drive in his new car.

As they were driving through town, a policeman pulled them over and told Ole that he was doing 50 miles an hour in a 30 zone.

“Oh no,” Ole protested, “I was only doing tirty, officer.”

“No, you were doing fifty,” replied the cop.

“Really, officer, I was only doing tirty”, Ole replied stubbornly.

“Well,” bellowed the cop, “I clocked you doing FIFTY!”

At that point, Lena, sitting in the back seat and trying to be helpful, spoke up, “Officer, you really shouldn’t argue with Ole ben he’s been drinking.”

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An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet. As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck.

He rushes to the phone and calls 911.

“I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!”

“Okay sir, we have dispatched officers, they should be there in about an hour.”

“An hour?! But they’ll be long gone by then!”

“I’m sorry, sir, but there are no officers in your area.”

The farmer hangs up angrily, waits 10 minutes and then calls 911 again.

“Hi, it’s me again. Don’t worry about sending those cops, I’ve just shot the robbers,” and he hangs up.

Less then 10 minutes later, three cop cars and a helicopter arrive and the robbers are arrested.

The sergeant goes up to the house and bangs on the door. The farmer opens it in his dressing gown and holding a cup of tea.

“What’s going on here!? You said you shot the robbers!”

“You said there were no officers in my area.”

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A sailor was drilling holes in an oligarch’s yacht.

A police officer approaches the sailor and asks him what he is doing.

The sailor puts down the drill and says, “Oh, me? Uhhhm... as a matter of fact, I am here to bless the ship.”

The police officer looks skeptical, “You’re here to bless the ship?”

Sailor: “Yes, that’s right! I am making it very holy.”

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Deathrow’s last meal.

The officer asks the inmate what would be his last meal.

The inmate replies, “I want mangoes”.

Officer says, “It is not mango season yet.”

Inmate says, “I guess I would just have to wait.”

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An alcoholic wakes up in jail on New Year’s Eve.

He asks the first police officer he sees, “Why am I here?”

“For drinking,” replies the officer.

“Great,” says the man, “When do we start?”

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A blonde crashed a helicopter.

The police officer asked her what happened.

She says, “It got cold, so I turned off the fan.”

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Officer: “Do you know why I stopped you?”

Blonde: “Because I didn’t pull out of the donut shop too fast?”

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A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car.

After looking the man over he says, “Sir, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?”

The man gets really annoyed and says, “Officer, I couldn’t help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?”

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Three women escape from prison—a blonde and two brunettes—and to get away from the cops they hide in an abandoned farmhouse.

Inside the house, there are three sacks that the escapees crawl into when the police search the building.

One of the cops sees the sacks and yells, “There are just three burlap sacks in here!”

To which his partner replies, “Then kick them just to be sure it’s not them hiding”.

The officer goes and kicks one with a brunette in it and she yells, “MEEEYYOWW!”

The officer says, “Oh, it’s just a stupid cat in there.”

So he kicks the one with the other brunette in it and she yells, “RUUFFF RUFFF!”

The officer says, “Oh, it’s just a stupid dog!”

Then he kicks the sack with the blonde in it and she yells, “POTATOES!”

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One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.

The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, “Who owns the property?”

The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer says, “I’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.”

The old gentleman says, “Well, you go right ahead, but whatever you do, don’t go into that field over yonder,” pointing out a fenced parcel of land.

The officer says, “Mister, I’m a law enforcement officer authorized by the federal government of our nation.”

Reaching into his pocket, he removes his badge and shoves it right in the old boy’s face, “You see my badge, buddy? This badge means that I’m allowed to go wherever I wish, anytime I wish. Do you understand me? No questions asked.”

The old gentleman nodded his head yes politely, softly apologized, and went about his chores.

A short time later, the old gentleman heard someone screaming in absolute terror, coming from where he’d told the officer not to go.

He looked over at the pasture and saw the officer running for his life, chased by a very angry bull.

With every step, the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it appeared likely that the policeman would be gored by the bull’s horns before he could reach safety.

Realizing the horrible danger that the policeman was in, the old gentleman ran to the field’s fence as fast as he could, determined to do whatever he could to help.

Reaching the edge of the pasture, the old gentleman quickly climbed to the top of the fence, waving his arms frantically and screamed at the very top of his voice, “Your badge, officer, show him your BADGE!”

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It is my first time in court and I heard the judge shouting, “Order!”

So I replied, “Fried chicken, mac and cheese, and cola.”

Now I’m being escorted out by two officers. I think we are going to a restaurant.

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