Phone Jokes



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Phone Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Phone Jokes


A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence.

He pulls him out and says, โ€œSorry, you know the law, youโ€™ve got to go back across the border right now.โ€

The Mexican man pleads with them, โ€œNo, noooo Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!โ€

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, โ€œIโ€™m going to make it hard for him.โ€

He says, โ€œOk, Iโ€™ll let you stay if you can use three English words in a sentence. The three words are โ€˜greenโ€™, โ€˜pinkโ€™, and โ€˜yellowโ€™.โ€

The Mexican man thinks, then says, โ€œHmmm, okay. The phone, it went green, green, green. I pink it up and sez โ€œyellow?โ€.โ€

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The wife tried to scare her husband by leaving him a breakup letter after he returned home late.

She left a note, saying:

Iโ€™ve had enough and have left you. Donโ€™t bother coming after me.

Then she hid under the bed to see his reaction.

After a short while, her husband comes home, and she could hear him in the kitchen before he comes into the bedroom.

She could see him walk towards the dresser and pick up the note.

After a few minutes, he wrote something on it before picking up the phone and calling someone.

โ€œSheโ€™s finally gone... Yeah, I know... Iโ€™m coming to see you... Put on that nightgown I like... Love you... Canโ€™t wait to see you...โ€

He hung up, grabbed his keys, and left.

She heard the car drive off as she came out from under the bed.

Seething with rage and with tears in her eyes, she grabbed the note to see what he wrote.

โ€œI can see your feet. Weโ€™re out of bread. Be back in five minutes.โ€

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A guyโ€™s wife and kids all came down with the flu.

Upon returning home from the doctorโ€™s office with his four kids, he turned his attention to his ailing wife.

After preparing some chicken soup for her, he picked up the phone to call her doctor.

The receptionist picked up, and he related the situation to her.

She then told him that the office was going to be closed for a couple of days, but that his wife could have an appointment in 3 days.

He went ballistic and yelled into the phone, โ€œThree days?! The doctor canโ€™t see her for three days?! She could be dead by then!โ€ Calmly, the voice at the other end of the line replied, โ€œIf so, would you please call to cancel the appointment?โ€

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The phone rang in the principalโ€™s office.

Principal: โ€œHello?โ€

Caller: โ€œUmm, yes, hi, my son wonโ€™t be coming to school today because heโ€™s got the flu.โ€

Principal: โ€œOK, and who may I ask is speaking?โ€

Caller: โ€œUmm, my dad.โ€

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How did a wife challenge her husband during his heart attack?

By asking for his phoneโ€™s passcode before calling 911.

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A 911 operator gets a call.

โ€œ911, whatโ€™s your emergency?โ€ the operator asks.

โ€œIโ€™m smoking,โ€ replied a middle-aged woman.

โ€œSorry, maโ€™am, but you shouldnโ€™t be calling 911. Please contact an expert, if you need help,โ€ the operator hangs up the phone.

The phone rings again.

โ€œ911, whatโ€™s your emergency?โ€ the operator asks again.

โ€œIโ€™m smoking,โ€ replied the same woman.

โ€œSorry, maโ€™am, but you should not be calling 911. You are aware you called us just now, correct?โ€

Woman: โ€œYeah.โ€

โ€œWell, then please do not call us unless you have a proper emergency. Thank you,โ€ the operator hangs up the phone.

The phone rings again.

โ€œI swear to god, if itโ€™s that woman, Iโ€™m going to have a seizure,โ€ the operator mumbles under his breath.

โ€œ911, whatโ€™s your emergency?โ€ the operator asks again.

โ€œIโ€™m smoking,โ€ replied the same woman.

โ€œExcuse me, but you know itโ€™s a crime for prank calls like this, right? Please contact an expert if you have problems with any smoking issues,โ€ he hangs up the phone.

It rings again, with the same number.

The operator, clearly infuriated, picks up the phone, โ€œYOUโ€™RE NOT SUPPOSED TO CALL THIS NUMBER IF YOU DONโ€™T HAVE AN EMERGENCY!โ€

Woman: โ€œSorry, but...โ€

Operator: โ€œNO BUTS! IF YOU HAVE A PROBLEM WITH SMOKING, PLEASE CONTACT AN EXPERT! DO YOU HAVE AN ACTUAL EMERGENCY?!โ€

โ€œYes, I do.โ€

โ€œWhat is it, then?!โ€

โ€œIโ€™m on fire.โ€

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โ€œ911, where is your emergency?โ€

โ€œDamn, she gave me the wrong number.โ€

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The phone rang at my work.

My boss asked, โ€œWhy donโ€™t you answer it?โ€

I said, โ€œIโ€™ll let it ring for a while. That way theyโ€™ll think I have other stuff to do than talk on the phone.โ€

My boss shouted, โ€œANSWER IT NOW!โ€

I picked up the phone and said, โ€œ911, whatโ€™s the emergency?โ€

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I just dropped my phone in the bath.

Now itโ€™s syncing.

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Today I donated a watch, a phone and $500 to a poor guy.

You canโ€™t know the happiness I felt as I saw him put his knife back in his pocket.

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It was recently announced that a franchise was building a new Taco Bell in Tuscaloosa.

The university responsed, โ€œWhy do we need another phone company?โ€

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Did you know that someone tried contacting the aboriginals in Australia via smoke signal?

But the line was always busy.

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An iPhone and a firework were arrested on New Yearโ€™s Eve.

One was charged and the other was let off.

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Who was Alexander Graham Kowalski?

The first telephone Pole.

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Pepito is writing a composition and asks his father, โ€œDad, how do you spell mobile phone?โ€

Father: โ€œHow it sounds.โ€

Pepito: โ€œAnd if it is in vibrate mode?โ€

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What number do you call in a Taco emergency?

Nine Juan Juan.

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Me using the Siri App on my iPhone.

Me: โ€œSiri, call my wife.โ€

Siri: โ€œSamantha McLaughlin is not in your contacts.โ€

Me: โ€œSamantha Gibbs is my wife.โ€

Siri: โ€œIโ€™ve added Samantha Gibbs as your wife.โ€

Me: โ€œCall my wife.โ€

Siri: โ€œWhich wife?โ€

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Why did Steve Jobs live his last moments in regret?

They say your life flashes before your eyes just before you die.

Unfortunately for Steve Jobs, his iPhone 4S didnโ€™t have a Flash player installed.

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Chuck Norris told his iPhone 2G it was a iPhone 4.

He can now multi task and use face time.

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Why is Apple offering a free case for all iPhone 6 buyers?

It doesnโ€™t help with reception, but protects the iPhone when you throw it against the wall after dropping another call.

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Why did Minnie hang up the phone on Mickey?

She was feeling Goofy at the time.

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I entered what I ate today into my new fitness app on my phone.

It sent an ambulance to my house.

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iPhone users, donโ€™t bother sending the Meteor emoji to your Android friends.

It wonโ€™t have the same impact.

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I had to call an electrician out today after getting my finger stuck in the socket while trying to plug in my iPhone.

I canโ€™t believe how much I was charged.

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Today I asked my daughter for a phone book.

She said, โ€œYouโ€™re such a boomer,โ€ and handed me her phone.

So, now, the spiders are dead, my daughterโ€™s phone is broken and sheโ€™s really mad at me.

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A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, โ€œYou are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.โ€

The frog is thrilled, โ€œThis is great! Will I meet her at a party?โ€

โ€œNo,โ€ says his advisor, โ€œin her biology class.โ€

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A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

The trainee shouts back, โ€œAnd do you know who you are talking to, you fool?!โ€

โ€œNo,โ€ replied the CEO indignantly.

โ€œGood!โ€ replied the trainee, and slams down the phone.

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A telephone rang.

โ€œHello! Is your phone number 444-4444?โ€

โ€œYes, it is,โ€ came the reply.

โ€œThank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone.โ€

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Millennial superstitions:

If your phone drops in the toilet bowl, you will have seven years of frustrating eyebrows.

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Why did Gen Zโ€™er bring a ladder to the concert?

They wanted to get a better view of the band on their smartphones.

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Why do Stormtroopers only have iPhones?

Because they couldnโ€™t find the Androids they were looking for.

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A politician visits a rural area to gain appeal for the upcoming elections.

He schedules a meeting with the local leaders to discuss problems the town has been experiencing so that he could provide help and solutions.

โ€œGovernor, our town has been experiencing two big problems,โ€ says one of the leaders.

The politician pounds his table, โ€œOk, tell me what they are,โ€ย he impatiently replies, all the while looking around to confirm if the excessive display got a favorable response.

โ€œOK, our first problem is a flu outbreak, but we lack doctors and hospitals, and the second one is...โ€

The politician cuts him off, โ€œStop right there, Iโ€™ll make some calls,โ€ as the politician animatedly grabs his phone, punches the numbers, and makes his calls.

โ€œYes! Yes! That would be great, tomorrow then,โ€ he loudly replies before punching another number for another call. โ€œYes, a hospital, I will pay for it personally.โ€

He hangs up and turns to everyone, โ€œGood news, everyone! I have arranged for a group of doctors to come here tomorrow and check on those afflicted,โ€ he loudly proclaims. โ€œI have also called for the immediate construction of a hospital, which would begin as soon as we are able to find a suitable area today. Now, what was your other problem?โ€

โ€œYes, our second problem is that we donโ€™t have cellphone coverage here.โ€

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A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up.

The boss says, โ€œWhat happened to your ears?โ€

He says, โ€œYesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.โ€

The boss says, โ€œWell, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?โ€

He says, โ€œWell, geez, I had to call the doctor.โ€

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Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, โ€œItโ€™s the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning, on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.โ€

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist & demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, โ€œNow, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast & hurried out to the car, just to realize that Iโ€™d locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.โ€

โ€œThen, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.โ€

โ€œWhen I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.โ€

He continued, โ€œThen I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.

โ€œWhen I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.โ€

โ€œMeanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let-up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.โ€

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Why do wolves howl at the moon?

Cause they donโ€™t know how to use cell phones.

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I saw my wife using her phone to record her getting a haircut.

I think sheโ€™s planning to watch the highlights later.

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Yo mama so stupid she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.

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Yo mama so stupid she put her phone in airplane mode and thought she could fly.

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How did the telephone boyfriend propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.

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A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled-up newspaper around his head.

Wife: โ€œWhat are you doing dear?โ€

Husband: โ€œSwatting flies. I got three males and two femalesโ€

Wife: โ€œHow on Earth do you know which gender they were?โ€

Husband: โ€œEasy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.โ€

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Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.

Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.

โ€œWait a minute,โ€ she said. โ€œI had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.โ€

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Mama always said โ€œWork until your bank account looks like a phone number.โ€

Well, I did it! Bank balance: 911!

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โ€œMum, I just won this phone in a race!โ€

โ€œWho was in the race?โ€

โ€œThe owner of the phone and the police. I think theyโ€™re at the door to congratulate me.โ€

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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, โ€œI hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.โ€

โ€œPop, what are you talking about?!โ€ the son screams.

โ€œWe canโ€™t stand the sight of each other any longer,โ€ the old man says.

โ€œWeโ€™re sick and tired of each other, and Iโ€™m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.โ€ And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

โ€œLike Heck, theyโ€™re getting a divorce,โ€ she shouts. โ€œIโ€™ll take care of this.โ€

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, โ€œYou are NOT getting divorced! Donโ€™t do a single thing until I get there. Iโ€™m calling my brother back and weโ€™ll both be there tomorrow. Until then donโ€™t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?!โ€ And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, smiles, and turns to his wife.

โ€œTheyโ€™re coming for Easter and paying their own way.โ€

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Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, โ€œI need your weight, not your phone number.โ€

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Why donโ€™t blondes call 911 when they are in an emergency?

Because they canโ€™t find the number eleven on their phone.

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