Phone Jokes

Enjoy our team's carefully selected Phone Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!

Phone Jokes

Pepito is writing a composition and asks his father, β€œDad, how do you spell mobile phone?”

Father: β€œHow it sounds.”

Pepito: β€œAnd if it is in vibrate mode?”

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What number do you call in a Taco emergency?

Nine Juan Juan.

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Me using the Siri App on my iPhone.

Me: β€œSiri, call my wife.”

Siri: β€œSamantha McLaughlin is not in your contacts.”

Me: β€œSamantha Gibbs is my wife.”

Siri: β€œI’ve added Samantha Gibbs as your wife.”

Me: β€œCall my wife.”

Siri: β€œWhich wife?”

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Why did Steve Jobs live his last moments in regret?

They say your life flashes before your eyes just before you die.

Unfortunately for Steve Jobs, his iPhone 4S didn’t have a Flash player installed.

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Chuck Norris told his iPhone 2G it was a iPhone 4.

He can now multi task and use face time.

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Why is Apple offering a free case for all iPhone 6 buyers?

It doesn’t help with reception, but protects the iPhone when you throw it against the wall after dropping another call.

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Why did Minnie hang up the phone on Mickey?

She was feeling Goofy at the time.

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I entered what I ate today into my new fitness app on my phone.

It sent an ambulance to my house.

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iPhone users, don’t bother sending the Meteor emoji to your Android friends.

It won’t have the same impact.

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I had to call an electrician out today after getting my finger stuck in the socket while trying to plug in my iPhone.

I can’t believe how much I was charged.

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Today I asked my daughter for a phone book.

She said, β€œYou’re such a boomer,” and handed me her phone.

So, now, the spiders are dead, my daughter’s phone is broken and she’s really mad at me.

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A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline.

His Personal Psychic Advisor tells him, β€œYou are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you.”

The frog is thrilled, β€œThis is great! Will I meet her at a party?”

β€œNo,” says his advisor, β€œin her biology class.”

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A man joins a big corporate empire as a trainee.

The trainee shouts back, β€œAnd do you know who you are talking to, you fool?!”

β€œNo,” replied the CEO indignantly.

β€œGood!” replied the trainee, and slams down the phone.

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A telephone rang.

β€œHello! Is your phone number 444-4444?”

β€œYes, it is,” came the reply.

β€œThank Goodness! Could you call 911 for me? I super-glued my finger to the phone.”

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Millennial superstitions:

If your phone drops in the toilet bowl, you will have seven years of frustrating eyebrows.

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Why did Gen Z’er bring a ladder to the concert?

They wanted to get a better view of the band on their smartphones.

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Why do Stormtroopers only have iPhones?

Because they couldn’t find the Androids they were looking for.

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A politician visits a rural area to gain appeal for the upcoming elections.

He schedules a meeting with the local leaders to discuss problems the town has been experiencing so that he could provide help and solutions.

β€œGovernor, our town has been experiencing two big problems,” says one of the leaders.

The politician pounds his table, β€œOk, tell me what they are,” he impatiently replies, all the while looking around to confirm if the excessive display got a favorable response.

β€œOK, our first problem is a flu outbreak, but we lack doctors and hospitals, and the second one is...”

The politician cuts him off, β€œStop right there, I’ll make some calls,” as the politician animatedly grabs his phone, punches the numbers, and makes his calls.

β€œYes! Yes! That would be great, tomorrow then,” he loudly replies before punching another number for another call. β€œYes, a hospital, I will pay for it personally.”

He hangs up and turns to everyone, β€œGood news, everyone! I have arranged for a group of doctors to come here tomorrow and check on those afflicted,” he loudly proclaims. β€œI have also called for the immediate construction of a hospital, which would begin as soon as we are able to find a suitable area today. Now, what was your other problem?”

β€œYes, our second problem is that we don’t have cellphone coverage here.”

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A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up.

The boss says, β€œWhat happened to your ears?”

He says, β€œYesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I accidentally answered the iron.”

The boss says, β€œWell, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other ear?”

He says, β€œWell, geez, I had to call the doctor.”

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Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, β€œIt’s the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning, on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.”

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist & demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, β€œNow, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast & hurried out to the car, just to realize that I’d locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.”

β€œThen, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.”

β€œWhen I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.”

He continued, β€œThen I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.

β€œWhen I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.”

β€œMeanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let-up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.”

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Why do wolves howl at the moon?

Cause they don’t know how to use cell phones.

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I saw my wife using her phone to record her getting a haircut.

I think she’s planning to watch the highlights later.

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Yo mama so stupid she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.

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Yo mama so stupid she put her phone in airplane mode and thought she could fly.

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How did the telephone boyfriend propose to his girlfriend?

He gave her a ring.

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A woman came home to find her retired husband waving a rolled-up newspaper around his head.

Wife: β€œWhat are you doing dear?”

Husband: β€œSwatting flies. I got three males and two females”

Wife: β€œHow on Earth do you know which gender they were?”

Husband: β€œEasy: three were on the beer, and the other two were on the phone.”

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Little Johnny had finished his summer vacation and gone back to school.

Two days later his teacher phoned his mother to tell her that he was misbehaving.

β€œWait a minute,” she said. β€œI had Johnny with me for three months and I never called you once when he misbehaved.”

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Mama always said β€œWork until your bank account looks like a phone number.”

Well, I did it! Bank balance: 911!

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β€œMum, I just won this phone in a race!”

β€œWho was in the race?”

β€œThe owner of the phone and the police. I think they’re at the door to congratulate me.”

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An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, β€œI hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

β€œPop, what are you talking about?!” the son screams.

β€œWe can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says.

β€œWe’re sick and tired of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.” And he hangs up.

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

β€œLike Heck, they’re getting a divorce,” she shouts. β€œI’ll take care of this.”

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, β€œYou are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?!” And she hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone, smiles, and turns to his wife.

β€œThey’re coming for Easter and paying their own way.”

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Yo momma is so fat when she got on the scale it said, β€œI need your weight, not your phone number.”

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Why don’t blondes call 911 when they are in an emergency?

Because they can’t find the number eleven on their phone.

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