Philosophy Jokes



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Philosophy Jokes


An elderly rabbi was once on an airplane to Israel sitting next to a self-professed atheist. They were amicably chatting the whole trip.

Now and then, the rabbi’s grandchild, sitting in another row, would come over to him, bringing him a drink, or asking if he could get anything to make him more comfortable.

After this happened several times, the atheist sighed, β€œI wish my grandchildren would treat me with such respect. They hardly even say hello to me. What’s your secret?”

The rabbi replied, β€œThink about it. To my grandchildren, I am two generations closer to Adam and Eve, the two individuals made by the hand of God. So they look up to me.

But according to the philosophy which you teach your grandchildren, you are two generations closer to being an ape. So why should they look up to you?”

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What’s a skunk’s philosophy of life?

Eat, stink and be merry.

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You hear about the werewolf who majored in philosophy?

Now he’s a whywolf.

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What’s a pickle’s life philosophy?

Never a dill moment.

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Philosophy:

A study which enables man to be unhappy more intelligently.

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What does a philosophy student feel when they fail a module on empiricism?

Hume-iliation.

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I made a mistake at a philosophy conference.

They asked me for a lecture on Daoism, but I misunderstood. I talked about filial piety and deference to superiors instead.

I apologized for the Confucian.

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It’s nearing the end of the semester at a prestigious university of philosophy.

The 100+ students wait eagerly for the professor to enter the auditorium and begin their final exam. They all have their notebooks out, as the final is open book.

The professor enters and, without saying a word, puts his chair on top of his podium.

He announces to the class, β€œUsing everything that you know about philosophy, I want you to write an essay proving to me that this chair does not exist”.

The students begin furiously writing, all except one guy sitting in the far back. He writes something down, turns it in, and is gone in less than a minute.

A week passes and the students gather outside to view their grades, looking upon the posting in utter horror. Every one of them had failed the course... all except the one guy.

The students then gathered around him and ask him anxiously how he proved that the chair did not exist.

His reply:

β€œWhat chair?”

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Last night I went to a comedy and philosophy convention.

Laughed more than I thought.

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As I stared into the refrigerator I realized I was finally using my philosophy degree.

β€œWhy am I here?”

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An engineer, a scientist, a mathematician, and a philosopher are hiking through the hills of Scotland, when they see a lone black sheep in a field.

The engineer says, β€œWhat do you know, it looks like the sheep around here are black.”

The scientist looks at him skeptically and replies, β€œWell, at least SOME of them are.”

The mathematician considers this for a moment and replies, β€œWell, at least ONE of them is.”

Then the philosopher turns to them and says, β€œWell, at least ON ONE SIDE.”

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Dean to the physics department:

β€œWhy do I always have to give you guys so much money for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff? Why couldn’t you be more like the math departmentβ€”all they need is pencils, paper, and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper.”

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A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice.

Father: β€œMy son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy.”

The boy picks up his date, and they stare at each other for a long time.

The boy’s nervousness builds, but he then asks, β€œDo you like potato pancakes?”

β€œNo,” comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.

Boy: β€œDo you have a brother?”

Girl: β€œNo.”

After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card, β€œIf you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?”

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