Jokes About Pharmacy



Enjoy our team's carefully selected Pharmacy Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!



Pharmacy Jokes


Funniest Pharmacy Jokes



For a long time, I was told I should weigh myself naked because itโ€™s the most accurate way of measuring my weight.

If thatโ€™s true, I still donโ€™t get why I was kicked out of the pharmacy.

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Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Devon, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way, they pass a pharmacy. Jacob suggests they go in.

Jacob addresses the man behind the counter, โ€œAre you the owner?โ€

The Pharmacist answers, โ€œYes.โ€

Jacob: โ€œWeโ€™re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œOf course we do.โ€

Jacob: โ€œMedicine for rheumatism?โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œDefinitely.โ€

Jacob: โ€œMedicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimerโ€™s?โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œYes, a large variety. The works.โ€

Jacob: โ€œWhat about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinsonโ€™s disease?โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œAbsolutely.โ€

Jacob: โ€œEverything for heartburn and indigestion?โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œWe sure do.โ€

Jacob: โ€œYou sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œAll speeds and sizes.โ€

Jacob: โ€œIn that case, weโ€™d like to use this store for our wedding presents list.โ€

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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy, picked out a box of feminine product, and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, โ€œSon, how old are you?โ€

โ€œEight,โ€ the boy replied.

The man continued, โ€œDo you know what these are used for?โ€

The boy replied, โ€œNot exactly, but they arenโ€™t for me. Theyโ€™re for him. Heโ€™s my brother. Heโ€™s four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you will be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he canโ€™t do either.โ€

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A pharmacist is going over the directions on a prescription bottle with an elderly patient.

โ€œBe sure not to take this more often than every 4 hours,โ€ the pharmacist says. โ€œDonโ€™t worry,โ€ replies the patient. โ€œIt takes me 4 hours to get the lid off.โ€

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A rabbit walks into a pharmacy and asks, โ€œDo you sell carrots?โ€

The pharmacist, surprised, responds, โ€œNo, this is a pharmacy.โ€

The rabbit leaves only to return the next day and ask the same question.

This time, the man responds, โ€œAs I said before, no. Go to a grocery store.โ€

Again, the rabbit leaves and returns the following day with the same question.

Annoyed, the pharmacist says, โ€œLook, rabbit, for the last time, we do not sell carrots. If you ask this once more, I swear I will punch you in the face.โ€

On the next day, the rabbit returns and asks, โ€œDo you sell carrots?โ€

Furious, the pharmacist punches the rabbit so hard that its teeth get completely shattered.

The rabbit leaves... and comes back the next day,

โ€œDo ya seh cahot juys?โ€

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A pharmacist returns to his shop from lunch to find a man leaning against the wall.

โ€œWhatโ€™s wrong with him?โ€ He asks his assistant.

โ€œHe came in for some cough syrup,โ€ explains the assistant. โ€œBut I couldnโ€™t find any, so I sold him a bottle of laxatives instead.โ€

โ€œWhat!โ€ The pharmacist says, horrified. โ€œYou canโ€™t treat a cough with laxatives!โ€

โ€œOf course you can,โ€ the assistant declares. โ€œLook at him โ€“ heโ€™s far too scared to cough.โ€

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Conversation between a pharmacist and a female customer.

Woman: โ€œI need to buy some arsenic.โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œWhy do you need arsenic?โ€

Woman: โ€œI need arsenic because I want to give it to my husband.โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œWHAT?โ€

Woman: โ€œYou heard me! I want to give it to my husband!โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œWhy on earth would you want to do that?โ€

Woman: โ€œBecause heโ€™s having an affair with YOUR wife!!!โ€

Pharmacist: โ€œWell why didnโ€™t you tell me you had a prescription?โ€

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Short Pharmacy Jokes



A pharmacist looks out the front of the store and sees a woman holding a bottle jumping up and down in the parking lot.

The pharmacist walks out to the parking lot and asks the woman whatโ€™s the matter.

She replies, โ€œI saw it said โ€œShake Wellโ€ after I took it.โ€

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Lily went to a nearby pharmacy to buy her partner some deodorant.

A salesclerk comes up to her and asks what sheโ€™s looking for.

โ€œIโ€™m looking for some deodorant for my boyfriend, but I donโ€™t know what kind he uses.โ€

โ€œIs it the ball type?โ€

โ€œNo,โ€ she replied. โ€œItโ€™s for his armpits.โ€

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Lady says to pharmacist, โ€œWhy does my prescription medication have 40 side effects?โ€

Pharmacist replies, โ€œCause thatโ€™s all weโ€™ve documented so far.โ€

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The customer gets a topical cream.

Direction: Apply locally two times a day.

The customer says to the pharmacist, โ€œI canโ€™t apply locally, Iโ€™m going overseas.โ€

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A guy walks into a pharmacy: โ€œI have extreme headaches, my belly cramps, I feel like Iโ€™m about to vomit and my back hurts like something tears the muscles apart. Do you have something?โ€

Pharmacists: Nope, I feel fine!

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Chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, โ€œDo you have any acetylsalicylic acid?โ€

โ€œYou mean aspirin?โ€ asked the pharmacist.

โ€œThatโ€™s it! I can never remember that word.โ€

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Blonde enters the pharmacy.

โ€œDo you have a pregnancy test?โ€

โ€œYes, we do.โ€

โ€œAre questions hard?โ€

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A man goes into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups.

The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the manโ€™s face.

โ€œWhat did you do that for?โ€ the man asks.

โ€œWell, you donโ€™t have the hiccups anymore, do you?โ€

The man says, โ€œNo, but my wife out in the car still does!โ€

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A doctor is giving a talk at a symposium. Like any good public speaker, he wrote his speech out on notecards.

Unfortunately, when he gets up to the podium, he finds that he just canโ€™t read his notes.

So, he says to the audience, โ€œIs there a pharmacist in the house?โ€

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Pharmacy Jokes One-Liners



My Sister works at a pharmacy.

As a pharmasister.

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Pharmacists find their work to be very encapsulating.

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I just got a job at a pharmacy. The pay isnโ€™t great...

But the percs are amazing!

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My pharmacist recently lost his arm.

Now I call him my โ€œphacistโ€.

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Today at the pharmacy I saw a woman without a face mask buying a pregnancy test.

She clearly isnโ€™t a fan of protection.

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Funny Pharmacy Puns



Did you hear about the pharmacist who got hit with a bottle of omega-3?

They are okay, the injuries were superfishoil.

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Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.

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A newborn pony walks into a pharmacy.

He asks the pharmacist, โ€œDo you have any Cepacol lozenges? Iโ€™m a little hoarse.โ€

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Our local politician just opened a neighborhood pharmacy store.

He is now a piller of the community.

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What do you call a pharmacist working at a veterinary drug company?

A FARM-ASSIST.

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How many pharmacists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, every six hours for the next ten days.

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Why should you be quiet inside a pharmacy?

You might wake the sleeping pills.

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Medication Jokes One-Liners



I was always told you lose a lot of friends after deciding to better yourself.

I never believed it until all of my friends disappeared after I started taking my schizophrenia medication.

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The bad news: I took the wrong medication today.

The good news: For the next 3 months Iโ€™m protected against heartworms and fleas.

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โ€œAlcohol may intensify the effects of this medicationโ€

I never know if this is a warning or a suggestion...

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My doctor must be a very visual person.

Whenever I have a cold he holds out my medication and says โ€œvitamins, seeโ€.

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My wife mentioned that she couldnโ€™t remember if she took her anti-anxiety medication.

I asked if she was worried about it.

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This is probably one of the most worrisome statistics to emerge in recent years.

25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness.

Thatโ€™s scary.

It means 75% are running around untreated.

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A miracle drug is one that has now the same price as last year.

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Funny Long Pharmacy Jokes



Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.

Tearfully she explained, โ€œItโ€™s the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning, on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone.โ€

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist & demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, โ€œNow, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast & hurried out to the car, just to realize that Iโ€™d locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.โ€

โ€œThen, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.โ€

โ€œWhen I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook.โ€

He continued, โ€œThen I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing.

โ€œWhen I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke.โ€

โ€œMeanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let-up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer. And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.โ€

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A woman hurried to a pharmacy to pick up the medication.

When she got back to the car, she found her keys locked inside.

The woman found an old rusty coat hanger on the ground.

She looked at it and said, โ€œI donโ€™t know how to use this.โ€

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.

Within five minutes an old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said, โ€œYes, my husband is sick. I forgot my keys in the car. Can you use this hanger to unlock my car?โ€

He said, โ€œSure.โ€

He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.

She hugged the man and through tears said, โ€œThank you, God, for sending me such a very nice man.โ€

The man heard her little prayer and replied, โ€œLady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft.โ€

The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, โ€œOh, thank you, God! You even sent me a professional!โ€

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One day an Irishman called Seamus went into a pharmacy in Clonmel. He reached into his jacket pocket and took out a bottle of Irish whiskey and a teaspoon.

Seamus proceeded to pour some of the amber liquid into the teaspoon and offered it to the chemist.

โ€œCould you taste this for me, please?โ€ asked Seamus.

The chemist took the teaspoon, put it into his mouth, swilled the liquid around, and swallowed it.

โ€œDoes that taste sweet to you?โ€ says Seamus.

โ€œNo, not at all,โ€ says the pharmacist.

โ€œOh thatโ€™s a relief,โ€ says Seamus. โ€œDoctor Flannigan told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar.โ€

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An elderly woman went into the pharmacy. When the pharmacist asked why she was there, she replied, โ€œIโ€™d like to have some birth control pills.โ€

Taken aback, the pharmacist thought for a minute and then said, โ€œExcuse me, Mrs. Smith, but youโ€™re 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?โ€

The woman responded, โ€œThey help me sleep better.โ€

The pharmacist thought some more and continued, โ€œHow in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?โ€

The woman said, โ€œI put them in my granddaughterโ€™s orange juice and I sleep better at night.โ€

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A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of

feminine product for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

The salesgirl says confused, โ€œSir, I thought you were looking for some

feminine product for your wife?โ€

He answers, โ€œYou see, itโ€™s like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause itโ€™s so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she.โ€

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A somewhat advanced society has figured out how to package basic knowledge in pill form.

A student, needing some learning, goes to the pharmacy and asks what kind of knowledge pills are available.

The pharmacist says, โ€œHereโ€™s a pill for English literature.โ€

The student takes the pill and swallows it and has new knowledge about English literature!

โ€œWhat else do you have?โ€ asks the student.

โ€œWell, I have pills for art history, biology and world history,โ€ replies the pharmacist.

The student asks for these, swallows them and has new knowledge about those subjects.

Then the student asks, โ€œDo you have a pill for math?โ€

The pharmacist says, โ€œWait just a moment,โ€ and goes back into the storeroom and brings back a whopper of a pill and plunks it on the counter.

โ€œI have to take that huge pill for math?โ€ inquires the student.

The pharmacist replied, โ€œWell, you know... math always was a little hard to swallow.โ€

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A man walks into a pharmacy and asks the man behind the counter, after dropping off his prescription, โ€œExcuse me, but what time do you close on Sunday?โ€

He replies, โ€œOh, we donโ€™t close on Sunday.โ€

Pleasantly surprised, the man picks up some other items and leaves.

The next dayโ€”Sundayโ€”the man goes to pick up his prescription, only to find a closed sign hanging on the door of the pharmacy. Peeved at the lying pharmacist, he trudges back home and waits Monday.

Monday morning, right as the pharmacist unlocks the door, the man is running up to him, shouting.

โ€œHey! You said that you never closed on Sundays, but when I came around yesterday, you were closed! What gives?โ€

The pharmacist looks at the man and says, โ€œWell, we in fact did not close yesterday, because we never even opened!โ€

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