Enjoy our team's carefully selected Pee Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
Preschools and bars have the same rule.
You pee your pants, you go home.
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The physics student asks to go to the bathroom. Professor asks, “Liquid, Solid or Gas?”
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Wife: “Do men wipe after they pee?”
Aging husband: “Yes. Wipe the floor, wipe the rim, wipe the wall…”
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Two nuns who worked in a hospital were out driving in the country when they ran out of gas.
As they were standing beside their car on the shoulder of the road, a truck approached them, noticing the nuns in distress, the trucker stopped and offered to help.
When the nuns explained they had run out of gas, the trucker said he would be more than happy to drain some from his tank, but he didn’t have a bucket or a can.
Hearing this, one of the nuns dug out a clean bedpan from the trunk and asked the trucker if it would do. He said it would and proceeded to drain a couple of quarts into the pan.
He then handed the pan to the sisters, got back into his truck, and waved goodbye.
While the nuns were carefully pouring the precious fuel into their gas tank, a cop happened by.
He stopped and watched them for a few moments, then said, “Sisters, somehow I don’t think that’s going to work, but I sure do admire your faith.”
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In North Korea, you cannot throw fruits in the snow.
As they don’t have the right to freeze peach.
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Yo mama so stupid when they told her she had no common sense she said, “You’re wrong!” and slammed 2 pennies onto the table.
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Yo mama so poor when she found a penny she thought she had hit the lottery.
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Mortal: “What is a million years like to you?”
God: “Like one second.”
Mortal: “What is a million pounds like to you?”
God: “Like one penny.”
Mortal: “Can I have a penny?”
God: “Just a second...”
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What do you call a penny that thinks for itself?
A centient.
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Do you know that the plural of penny is pence?
But we just say pennies because it makes more cents.
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Did you hear about the woman who tried to bribe the police with pennies?
She was taken in by the coppers.
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Have you ever tried looking at a penny under a microscope?
...magnificent.
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What do a bass guitar solo and peeing your pants have in common?
It’s quiet and embarrassing.
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Two U.S. Marines boarded a flight headed for Raleigh, North Carolina. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.
Just before takeoff, a U.S. Army Ranger headed for Fort Bragg sat down in the aisle seat.
After takeoff, the Ranger kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes, and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, “I need to get up and get a Coke.”
“Don’t get up,” said the Army Ranger, “I’m in the aisle seat, I’ll get it for you.”
As soon as he left, one of the Marines picked up the Ranger’s shoe and spat in it.
When the Ranger returned with the Coke, the other Marine said, “That looks good, I’d really like one, too.”
Again, the Army Ranger obligingly went to fetch it.
While he was gone the other Marine picked up the Ranger’s other shoe and spat in it.
When the Ranger returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Army Ranger slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
“Why does it have to be this way?” he asked. “How long must this go on? This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in Cokes?”
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A man was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
“What seems to be the problem?” asked the bee.
“I’m out of petrol,” the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.
Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
“Try it now,” said the bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
“Wow!” the man exclaimed. “What did you put in my petrol tank?”
“BP,” answered the bee.
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A stairway builder was retiring.
On his last workday the manager held a speech for him in the lunchroom.
“This man has worked here for over 40 years! Just imagine the number of stairs built by you alone! I reckon, on the day you die, you could stack them on top of each other and reach heaven!”
The retiring builder, a bit red from embaresment, responded quietly, “Oh, thank you for your kind words, but I have mostly been building basement stairs...”
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Why are friends a lot like snow?
If you pee on them, they disappear.
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One day, Einstein has to speak at an important science conference.
On the way there, he tells his driver that looks a bit like him, “I’m sick of all these conferences. I always say the same things over and over!”
The driver agrees, “You’re right. As your driver, I attended all of them, and even though I don’t know anything about science, I could give the conference in your place.”
“That’s a great idea!” says Einstein. “Let’s switch places then!”
So they switch clothes and as soon as they arrive, the driver dressed as Einstein goes on stage and starts giving the usual speech, while the real Einstein, dressed as the car driver, attends it.
But in the crowd, there is one scientist who wants to impress everyone and thinks of a very difficult question to ask Einstein, hoping he won’t be able to respond. So this guy stands up and interrupts the conference by posing his very difficult question.
The whole room goes silent, holding their breath, waiting for the response.
The driver looks at him, dead in the eye, and says, “Sir, your question is so easy to answer that I’m going to let my driver reply to it for me.”
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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!”
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A racist man called me a terrorist for having long hair, a long beard, and being Middle Eastern.
Later I saw him at church giving a speech about how everyone needs a Middle Eastern guy with long hair and a beard in their lives.
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Why did the man named Penny keep shaving his beard?
A Penny shaved is a Penny earned.
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Elon’s opening speech for the Tesla Solar Roof really got my attention...
Who knew there were thousands of hot shingles in my area?!
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Memo from Director-General to Manager:
Today at 11 o’clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes.
As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park.
Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleven when I will deliver a short speech introducing the eclipse and giving some background information.
Safety goggles will be made available at a small cost.
Memo from Manager to Department Head:
Today at ten to eleven, all staff should meet in the car park. This will be followed by a total eclipse of the sun, which will disappear for two minutes.
For a moderate cost, this will be made safe with goggles.
The Director-General will deliver a short speech beforehand to give us all some background information. This is not something that can be seen every day.
Memo from Department Head to Floor Manager:
The Director-General will today deliver a short speech to make the sun disappear for two minutes in the eclipse.
This is something that can not be seen every day, so staff will meet in the car park at ten or eleven.
This will be safe if you pay a moderate cost.
Memo From Floor Manager to Supervisor:
Ten or eleven staff are to go to the car park, where the Director-General will eclipse the sun for two minutes.
This doesn’t happen every day. It will be safe, but it will cost you.
Memo from Supervisor to staff:
Some staff will go to the car park today to see the Director-General disappear.
It is a pity this doesn’t happen every day.
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Love is a lot like peeing your pants.
Only you can feel the warm sensation from such an experience.
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A doctor is giving a talk at a symposium. Like any good public speaker, he wrote his speech out on notecards.
Unfortunately, when he gets up to the podium, he finds that he just can’t read his notes.
So, he says to the audience, “Is there a pharmacist in the house?”
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An accountant is walking down the street when he comes across a bum.
“Spare some loose change?” asks the bum.
“And why should I do that?” asks the accountant.
“Because I’m broke. Haven’t got a penny to my name and nothing to eat,” says the bum.
“I see,” says the accountant. “And how does this compare to the same quarter last year?”
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Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage.
It’s now called Red Bull.
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Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?
He wanted to go where no man had gone before.
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