Pee Jokes

Enjoy our team's carefully selected Pee Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!

Pee Jokes

Yo mama so stupid when they told her she had no common sense she said, โ€œYouโ€™re wrong!โ€ and slammed 2 pennies onto the table.

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Yo mama so poor when she found a penny she thought she had hit the lottery.

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Mortal: โ€œWhat is a million years like to you?โ€

God: โ€œLike one second.โ€

Mortal: โ€œWhat is a million pounds like to you?โ€

God: โ€œLike one penny.โ€

Mortal: โ€œCan I have a penny?โ€

God: โ€œJust a second...โ€

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What do you call a penny that thinks for itself?

A centient.

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Do you know that the plural of penny is pence?

But we just say pennies because it makes more cents.

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Did you hear about the woman who tried to bribe the police with pennies?

She was taken in by the coppers.

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Have you ever tried looking at a penny under a microscope?


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What do a bass guitar solo and peeing your pants have in common?

Itโ€™s quiet and embarrassing.

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Two U.S. Marines boarded a flight headed for Raleigh, North Carolina. One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.

Just before takeoff, a U.S. Army Ranger headed for Fort Bragg sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff, the Ranger kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, โ€œI need to get up and get a Coke.โ€

โ€œDonโ€™t get up,โ€ said the Army Ranger, โ€œIโ€™m in the aisle seat, Iโ€™ll get it for you.โ€

As soon as he left, one of the Marines picked up the Rangerโ€™s shoe and spat in it.

When the Ranger returned with the Coke, the other Marine said, โ€œThat looks good, Iโ€™d really like one, too.โ€

Again, the Army Ranger obligingly went to fetch it.

While he was gone the other Marine picked up the Rangerโ€™s other shoe and spat in it.

When the Ranger returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.

As the plane was landing, the Army Ranger slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

โ€œWhy does it have to be this way?โ€ he asked. โ€œHow long must this go on? This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in Cokes?โ€

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A man was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.

โ€œWhat seems to be the problem?โ€ asked the bee.

โ€œIโ€™m out of petrol,โ€ the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.

Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.

After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

โ€œTry it now,โ€ said the bee.

The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.

โ€œWow!โ€ the man exclaimed. โ€œWhat did you put in my petrol tank?โ€

โ€œBP,โ€ answered the bee.

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Why are friends a lot like snow?

If you pee on them, they disappear.

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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, โ€œWell, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. Iโ€™m not sure the IRS finds that believable.โ€

โ€œIโ€™m a great gambler, and I can prove it,โ€ says Grandpa. โ€œHow about a demonstration?โ€

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, โ€œOkay. Go ahead.โ€

Grandpa says, โ€œIโ€™ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.โ€

The auditor thinks a moment and says, โ€œItโ€™s a bet.โ€

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditorโ€™s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, โ€œNow, Iโ€™ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.โ€

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isnโ€™t blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpaโ€™s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

โ€œWant to go double or nothing?โ€ Grandpa asks. โ€œIโ€™ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.โ€

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides thereโ€™s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he canโ€™t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditorโ€™s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpaโ€™s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

โ€œAre you okay?โ€ the auditor asks.

โ€œNot really,โ€ says the attorney. โ€œThis morning, when Grandpa told me heโ€™d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that youโ€™d be happy about it!โ€

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Why did the man named Penny keep shaving his beard?

A Penny shaved is a Penny earned.

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Love is a lot like peeing your pants.

Only you can feel the warm sensation from such an experience.

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An accountant is walking down the street when he comes across a bum.

โ€œSpare some loose change?โ€ asks the bum.

โ€œAnd why should I do that?โ€ asks the accountant.

โ€œBecause Iโ€™m broke. Havenโ€™t got a penny to my name and nothing to eat,โ€ says the bum.

โ€œI see,โ€ says the accountant. โ€œAnd how does this compare to the same quarter last year?โ€

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Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his pee as a canned beverage.

Itโ€™s now called Red Bull.

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Why did Neil Armstrong pee right after he made his first step on the moon?

He wanted to go where no man had gone before.

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