Enjoy our team's carefully selected Parent Jokes. Laugh yourself and share the funniest jokes with your friends!
It was a regular day in first grade, and the teacher asked all the students to tell her something about what their parents do for a living.
Some kids knew and gave a good description, while others didn’t really understand their parents’ jobs and gave vague descriptions or none at all.
When they got to Little Johnny, he stood up and said, “My dad cuts people in half.”
“Oh, really?” asked the teacher with a smile, “You mean he’s a magician?”
“I don’t know,” said Johnny.
“A surgeon, maybe?” asked the teacher.
“I don’t know,” repeated Johnny.
“Then why do you think he cuts people in half?” asked the confused teacher.
“Because I have two half brothers and three half sisters.”
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When I told my parents my wife had come down with the flu, my dad said, “Well, have you tried euthanasia?”
In the background, I could hear my mom yell, “For the last time, Henry, it’s pronounced ‘Echinacea!’, ‘Echinacea!!!’.”
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911 operator: “911, what’s your emergency?”
Me: “Hi, I need to report a kidnapping. My son is taking a nap in my room right now.”
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911 operator: “What’s your emergency?”
Kangaroo: “I can’t find my children.”
Kangaroo 911: “Did you check your pockets?”
Kangaroo: “Oh, never mind.”
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A boy calls 911.
“911, what is your emergency?”
The boy replied, “My parents are fighting, and I’m scared..”
“Well, who’s your father?”
“Well, that’s what they’re fighting about.”
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I once accidentally poured glue in my son’s corn flakes.
He’s never talked to me again.
😄 😄 😄
My wife and I had no idea what happiness meant until we had kids.
But by then, it was too late.
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The old mosquito puts the little baby’s to bed and tells them, “If you are good, tomorrow I’m going to take you to the nudists.”
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Remember when you ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s?
His parents were pissed.
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Sherlock was gardening when Watson came over and asked what he was planting.
“A lemon tree, my dear Wat-son.”
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My son and I both have knee problems.
It is a joint issue.
😄 😄 😄
If Joker and Harley Quinn have a son.
The name is Joaquin.
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I taught my son speed reading and I’m proud to say that he managed to finish “Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone” in an hour and a half.
I know it’s only six words, but it’s a start.
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“Why are you using our daughter as a guitar?” my wife asked.
“You told me to rock her to sleep,” I replied.
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A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Wa-Mart in a buggy.
Each time she put something in the basket, she would say “And here’s something for you, Diploma” or “This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma” and so on.
Eventually a bewildered shopper who’d heard all this finally asked, “Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?”
The grandmother replied, “I sent my daughter to the University of Virginia, and this is what she came home with!”
😄 😄 😄
Dear Father,
university i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love, Your $on.
After receiving his son’s letter, the father immediately replies by sending a letter back.
Dear David,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy.
Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love, Dad
😄 😄 😄
What do you call a ginger kid who’s good at martial arts?
The Carroty Kid.
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What is it called when two redheads have a kid?
Ginger bred.
😄 😄 😄
My wife asked me to prepare our 4-year-old ginger son for his first day at school.
So I punched him and stole his lunch money.
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I don’t believe in hitting my children as punishment.
So I teach them Fortnite dances and send them to school so that other kids can beat them instead.
😄 😄 😄
Why are baby flamingos so badly behaved?
Because the parents never put their foot down.
😄 😄 😄
For Father’s Day, my wife and kid made me breakfast in bed.
I’d have preferred they made it in the kitchen, but it’s the thought that counts.
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When is Father’s Day?
Nine months after Father’s Night.
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My kids are buying me gifts for Father’s Day.
I hope I can afford it.
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An old country gentleman sent his son off to engineering school.
Four years later, upon his son’s return, he asked him what he had learned at college.
The son replied, “Pi r square.”
The dad exclaimed, “You didn’t learn nothin’, boy! Pie are round, bread’s square.”
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What did the drummer call his twin sons?
Tom.
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What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two.
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Why did the Java developer teach his young kids about single quotes?
Because they build character.
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Today I asked my daughter for a phone book.
She said, “You’re such a boomer,” and handed me her phone.
So, now, the spiders are dead, my daughter’s phone is broken and she’s really mad at me.
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My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,
“Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?”
A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.
I’m really happy that my prayer worked.
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A child asks, “Mommy, does God use our bathroom?”
The mother replies, “No, darling. Why do you ask?”
The child says, “Because every morning daddy bangs on the door and shouts, “Oh God, are you still in there?!”
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Why shouldn’t you let kids watch big band performances on TV?
Too much sax and violins.
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My kid has a stuffed alpaca toy.
I call it her Dolly Llama.
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My Millennial son called me for the first time in a year and a half.
I changed the Netflix password.
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Millennial milestone:
I finally moved out of my parents and moved in with my girlfriend. Her parents were supportive, too. They even let us bring food upstairs.
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Children are like farts.
Your own are just about bearable, but everyone else’s are horrendous.
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The lawyer’s son wanted to follow in his father’s footsteps, so he went to law school and graduated with honors. Then he went home to join his father’s firm.
At the end of his first day at work, he rushed into his father’s office and said, “Father, father! In one day I broke the Smith case that you’ve been working on for so long!”
His father yelled, “You idiot! We’ve been living on the funding of that case for ten years!”
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An eight-year-old girl went to the office with her Dad on a “Take Your Kid to Workday”.
As they were walking around the office, the young girl was getting crankier and crankier, crying and sobbing.
Her father asked what was wrong with her.
As the concerned office staff gathered around, she sobbed loudly, “Daddy, where are all the clowns you said you worked with?!”
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I can’t believe my parents support my choice of profession.
I told them that I wanted to become a stand-up comedian and they laughed at me!
😄 😄 😄
Having your own child is like living in a frat house—nobody sleeps, everything’s broken, and there’s a lot of throwing up.
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A woman goes into labor and at the hospital the doctor says, “Through the miracles of science, we’ve invented a new machine that will transfer the pain of childbirth to your husband. Would you be the first couple to try it out?”
So the husband and wife talk about it and agree that it’s only fair that they share the pain together.
They get hooked up to the machine and as she gets further along the husband gets a little skittish and says, “OK, listen, I know this is going to be super painful, so let’s start it at about 3.”
The doctor turns on the machine and before long the husband says, “Wow, this is nothing! Go ahead and turn it to 5.”
A couple more minutes go by, and again he says, “Man, this is easy, let’s go up to 7.”
The husband still sits there calmly and as the baby gets closer he says, “Gee honey, I don’t get what all the fuss is about, this is nothing. You women have been complaining about how horrible this is, but it’s a breeze. Gimme everything.”
So the doctor turns it up all the way.
The woman has the best, most painless delivery ever, and the husband just sits there like a champ with barely a grimace on his face.
Afterward, the doctor interviews them and the man is still in disbelief over how effortless it was and says he’d gladly do it all again, “I barely felt anything, men are so much tougher than women.”
Then, after the woman recovers, they gather their things and take their newborn home with them.
... and find the delivery driver lying dead on the front porch.
😄 😄 😄
My son’s asked for a strange Christmas present this year. It’s really cheap though so I don’t mind.
I’m not sure why he wants an eggs box though.
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A Man was watching TV one day, when all of a sudden he began screaming in terror.
“Don’t go in the Church!” he cried. “It’s a trap!”
“Mom, is Dad watching a horror movie?” his son asked.
“No, dear, he’s watching our wedding video,” the mom replied.
😄 😄 😄
A parent gave her kid some sound advice before going to accounting school:
Study hard, so you can be audit you can be.
😄 😄 😄
A boy was feeling very nervous about his first date, so went to his father for advice.
Father: “My son, there are three subjects that always work with women: food, family, and philosophy.”
The boy picks up his date, and they stare at each other for a long time.
The boy’s nervousness builds, but he then asks, “Do you like potato pancakes?”
“No,” comes the answer, and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.
Boy: “Do you have a brother?”
Girl: “No.”
After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card, “If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?”
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A Sunni and a Shia Muslim have a child together.
They name her Sushi.
😄 😄 😄
What does an avocado call its children?
Avo-kiddos.
😄 😄 😄
What did the dad turkey say to his stubborn child?
“If your mother could see you now, she’d be turning over in her gravy.”
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“All the kids make fun of me,” the boy cried to his mother, “They say I have a big head.”
“Don’t listen to them,” his mother comforted him, “You have a beautiful head. Now stop crying and go to the store for ten pounds of potatoes.”
Boy: “Where’s the shopping bag?”
Mother: “I haven’t got one, use your hat.”
😄 😄 😄
What did the flower say when her son went off to college?
“I be-leaf in you.”
😄 😄 😄
I let my kids pick my Halloween costume this year.
They chose a hot dog... this is going to be my wurst Halloween ever.
😄 😄 😄
Son: “Dad, why did you and mom name my sister Rose?”
Dad: “Because your mother loves Roses.”
Son: “Oh... OK. Thanks, Dad!”
Dad: “No problem, Costco Hot Dog.”
😄 😄 😄
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
You rocket!
😄 😄 😄
My son identifies as a crescent moon.
I’m worried, but my wife says it’s just a phase.
😄 😄 😄
When the moon is being super grumpy, its parents turn to each other and say, “Gibbous strength!”
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On his 16th birthday, I thought my son deserved to know the truth about his being adopted.
So when he got home from school, I said to him, “Steve, do you mind sitting down, I’ve got something to tell you.”
“Dad, guess what?!” he shouted excitedly.
“Steve, this is important.” I urged.
“No way, Dad. Listen!”
“Steve. Please. Don’t make this hard for me. It’s about your mum and me.”
“Dad! Shut up! I’ve just won £250,000 on a scratch card!”
“That’s amazing son! Your old Dad’s really made up for you!”
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Why did the daughter start eating donuts?
Because her mother said, “You better eat hole foods.”
😄 😄 😄
My kids are the sunshine of my life.
Over-exposition invariably leads to burnout.
😄 😄 😄
When we go to the beach with the kids, we use a really strong sunblock.
It’s SPF 80: You squeeze the tube, and a sweater comes out.
😄 😄 😄
A young Arab boy asks his father, “What is that strange hat you are wearing?”
The father said, “Why, my son, it is a “chechia”. In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”
“And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.
“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father, “It is very simple. This is a “djbellah”. As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My “djbellah” protects the entire body.”
The son then asked, “But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?”
“These are “babouches” my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These “babouches” keep us from burning our feet.”
“So tell me then,” added the boy.
“Yes, my son...”
“Why are we living in Birmingham and still wearing all this shit?
😄 😄 😄
A girl visited her boyfriend, which was still living with his mother, at his house.
His mother had Puritan principles.
The mother, as long as the girl was there, didn’t even try to hide her dislike feelings for his son’s choice.
“Mom, can I escort Helen?”
The girl, waiting to hear a cold-hearted “no”, she surprised hear.
“Sure... You can! Escort her... to the corner with your eyes!”
😄 😄 😄
Before having a kid the most important thing to ask yourself is:
“Am I ready to watch the exact same cartoon on repeat for the next 4 years?”
😄 😄 😄
One night, Sally was saying goodnight to her parents and grandparents.
“Good night Mom, good night Dad, good night Grandma, goodbye Grandpa.”
Her dad asked her, “Why goodbye?”
“Oh, I dunno, I just felt like it.”
The very next day, her grandpa died.
That evening, Sally was saying goodnight again.
“Good night Mom, good night Dad, goodbye Grandma.
Her dad was very suspicious but said nothing.
The very next day, Sally’s grandma died.
That night, when Sally said “Good night Mom, goodbye Dad”, Sally’s dad began to panic. He knew this couldn’t just be a coincidence.
So early the very next day, he went to work, locked his office door, and hid under his desk until late in the afternoon.
Eventually, he decided he should probably go home, or his wife might get worried.
He managed to arrive home safely and asked his wife how her day had been.
“Oh, it was just awful!” she replied. “The Milkman died!”
😄 😄 😄
Me: “Good night, kids!”
Kids: “Good night, dad!”
Me: “Good night, monster under the bed who eats bad kids!”
Wife (through radio under the bed): “Good night!”
😄 😄 😄
My son is three years old and I took him shopping.
When we got home, he had a chocolate bar in his pocket.
Now, I didn’t buy it and he certainly didn’t buy it, so I marched him straight back to the shopping center and went to the jewelers.
😄 😄 😄
“Dad, did you ever fall in love?”
“Yes, son. I did once.”
“And, what happened?”
“In the beginning it was fantastic, but then your mother found out.”
😄 😄 😄
A young Jewish mom walks her son to the school bus corner on his first day of kindergarten.
“Behave, my bubaleh,” she says.
“Take good care of yourself and think about your mother, tataleh!”
“And come right back home on the bus, schein kindaleh.”
“Your mommy loves you a lot, my ketsaleh!”
At the end of the school day, the bus comes back and she runs to her son and hugs him.
“So what did my pupaleh learn on his first day of school?”
The boy answers, “I learned my name is David.”
😄 😄 😄
I used to play tennis, baseball, basketball and chess, but I stopped after my son broke my PlayStation.
😄 😄 😄
A first-grade teacher can’t believe her student isn’t hepped up about the Super Bowl.
“It’s a huge event. Why aren’t you excited?”
“Because I’m not a football fan. My parents love basketball, so I do too,” says the student.
“Well, that’s a lousy reason,” says the teacher. “What if your parents were morons? What would you be then?”
“Then I’d be a football fan.”
😄 😄 😄
At one point during a game, the coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a foul is called, you shouldn’t argue, curse, or attack the referee. Do you understand all that?”
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, “And when I take you out of the game so another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach “a worthless idiot” is it?” Again the little boy nodded.
“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your parents.”
😄 😄 😄
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.
😄 😄 😄
A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?”
And the father replied, “I don’t know, son, I’m still paying for it.”
😄 😄 😄
The baby tomato was running late for school. Guess what his mommy said?
“Come on, ketch-up!”
😄 😄 😄
An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Pop, what are you talking about?!” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the old man says.
“We’re sick and tired of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.” And he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.
“Like Heck, they’re getting a divorce,” she shouts. “I’ll take care of this.”
She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, “You are NOT getting divorced! Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?!” And she hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone, smiles, and turns to his wife.
“They’re coming for Easter and paying their own way.”
😄 😄 😄
When Chuck Norris turned 18, his parents moved out.
😄 😄 😄
When Chuck Norris’s parents had nightmares, they would come to his bedroom.
😄 😄 😄
I put so much more effort into naming my first Wi-Fi than my first child.
😄 😄 😄
The dad says, “A man is someone who is responsible and cares for their family.”
The kid replies, “I hope one day I can be a man just like mom!”
😄 😄 😄
After a prolonged drought when the rain came, all the animals in the forest were happy except the Kangaroo.
When the others asked him what the reason was for such sadness, the Kangaroo revealed that the rain meant that all its kids would now be playing inside.
😄 😄 😄
A man hunts a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.
Both he and his wife decide that they’ll play a game with the kids. They’ll give them a clue and get them to guess what it is.
At mealtime, the kids are eager to know what the meat is on their plates, so they beg their dad for the clue.
“Well,” he says, “it’s what mommy calls me sometimes”.
The little girl screams, “Don’t eat it! It’s an asshole!”
😄 😄 😄
A man frantically calls the doctor and says, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart now!”
“Is this her first child?” the doctor responds.
The man replies, “No! This is her husband!”
😄 😄 😄
A child asked his father, “How were people born?”
So his father said, “Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on.”
The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, “We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now.”
The child ran back to his father and said, “You lied to me!”
His father replied, “No, your mom was talking about her side of the family.”
😄 😄 😄
A family was having dinner once when the youngest boy asked his father whether worms tasted nice when we eat them. Both the parents reprimanded the little boy and told him that these things shouldn't be discussed over the dinner table.
When the father asked the boy after dinner why he had asked such a question, he replied, “Papa, I think worms taste okay because there was one in your spaghetti.”
😄 😄 😄
